KINGS OF COMEDY
All right, guys, it's finally time for what we've all been waiting for.
Come with me.
All the best, guys. All the best.
All the best.
This has just come in.
The person who is going to continue his journey with us on this show today
has made it in with just one point.
So, Rakesh, back to you now.
Please do away with the suspense already
and tell us who is going to stay with us.
Hasmukh.
This is fucking fixed! The show is fucking rigged!
-What the hell? -Hasmukh, Hasmukh.
We're very happy to tell you
that you've made it with just one point, only one point.
Hasmukh! Hasmukh! Hasmukh!
We're all very happy for you. Please stay with us and continue watching.
Hasmukh is the lucky winner today, saved by a whisker.
I am Vishal Malhotra, and I will be back again tomorrow on...
-Comedy-- -Kings of Comedy!
See you tomorrow! Well done, man. Well done!
Hey, wait.
-Take him away. -Sir...
Shouldn't we investigate a little?
Naik, how long have you been on the job?
-Three months, sir. -And me?
You'll be retiring in three months.
Naik, I can figure out what the case is
just by looking at the body. Understand? Take him away.
Vaikunth Shastri.
Got what he deserved.
He was a lawyer, estate agent, pimp, fixer,
and fuck knows what else he was up to.
But, sir, that place has been closed for several months now.
And we didn't find any suicide note either.
-Your phone. -What, sir?
Give me your phone.
Let's go grab a drink, and your problem will be solved.
Come on.
Here you go. Suicide note.
Take a printout and file it.
Case closed.
But, sir, this could be a murder.
Yup, this is a murder. Jameel Indori killed him.
How can you be so sure?
Last night, at Avalon Bar, Shastri had a spat with one of Jameel Indori's men.
And how do you know this?
Jameel Indori is a feared man in the film industry.
The building's watchman saw
Kings of Comedy's Hasmukh entering the building
Sir.
I don't think this case is as simple as it looks.
The watchman saw two people with Shastri.
Who were they?
How did this happen, Jimmy?
I can't understand a thing.
Hasmukh.
-Have a sip of tea. -No.
Just have a sip.
Jimmy...
-How does it taste? -It's cold. It's got no feel.
Exactly! Got it?
It took us 51 minutes to get here, through all that traffic.
We need to strike when the iron is hot.
Sit.
Why did you go to meet Shastri?
-He was a lawyer. -He's our lawyer.
He's our lawyer and always will be. What happened?
Dropped from the 12th floor.
I hope he didn't get hurt.
No, not at all. This is his hobby.
Every morning he gets up, goes to the 12th floor and jumps down.
Look, he took us there to show us an apartment.
That's all.
-I see. -Apartment...
Is that all? There's no bad blood between you guys?
-No. There was no bad blood. -No.
-No bad blood? -No.
Look here.
Do you recognize this guy?
That's the guy we met outside...
We saw him outside when we went to meet Mr. Shastri.
I told you so. Case closed.
-Who is it? -Guys, Promila...
Hi, Rhea, do come in.
What's the matter?
These officers were just asking us if we've seen this guy.
We were just telling them that we have.
Yeah.
Isn't he the same guy who got into a fight at Avalon the other day?
Yes, he is. He's the same guy. The one we were telling you about.
Indori. Case closed.
KINGS OF COMEDY
What did you do on stage yesterday?
I am really going out on a limb for you,
so you better let me know if you'll be able to do this.
I'm sorry, ma'am, I messed up.
I got scared and--
Hasmukh, no one gives a damn about your fears.
Everyone has problems. Even I have a dozen problems of my own.
Don't give me your excuses.
You're here to work, aren't you? Will you be able to do this?
-Can you? -Yes.
Can I trust you?
I trusted you, Rakesh. I trusted you.
You are not at all ashamed, Rakesh?
I've made you who you are today.
That has no value for you?
The fact that I built your career,
I made you the Rakesh Pandit, is of no value to you?
Please just tell me.
You're leaving me for some girl?
You've revealed your true self, and that's a good thing.
-There is no truth to it, my love. -Who is your love--
This is exactly what happened the last time with Promila.
That's true, sir.
She always plays favorites and only promotes them.
Ajay, how much are we paying, Hasmukh?
Sir, 15 lakhs per episode.
-We could get 15 performers at that price. -Exactly my point, sir.
Hello. Hello, Ms. Promila.
Promises and more promises, but what's the outcome?
You'd said Hasmukh will create a sensation but...
Sir, he hasn't spoken a single line that I've written.
-Can you stop your whining? -Shut up.
-Sir, I just feel that if-- -Please. Hello, please.
We can clearly see the result of your feelings.
And we've heard enough from you.
Today, I am going to talk, and you're-- Please look at me.
Now, I am going to talk and you're going to listen.
The CCTV footage from the penthouse.
There are no copies, are there?
No, I've erased everything from the hard drive.
-That's the one and only copy. -See you.
Sir, you were going to say something.
Yeah...
You were going to say something, sir.
Yeah... I was going to say that
even God forgives one mistake.
And, well, I am just a common man. Right?
That boy Hasmukh is very talented.
He's destined to go a long way, you'll see. Talk to him.
And you two, stop with your jealousy, okay?
Stop tattling to me.
Especially you, bearded guy.
People are just so envious. Talk to that boy.
Thank you, sir.
Hasmukh.
Madam Promila left Pratap completely speechless.
What a lady.
She's got this magical power!
That's "charisma," you mean charisma.
You always know what I am saying.
You understand me so well.
Rhea, I got to go.
Vicky.
Vicky...
Work...
The shoot will be fine.
Everything is going to be okay.
-Bye. -See you later.
She even gave you a hug. Why are you still sulking?
I'll leave, too. I am not feeling too well.
You'll feel worse alone. Stay here and watch TV with us.
-Wait. -Put something on.
Let me play something.
What do you feel?
This is good.
This is a good channel. Good choice.
-Hasmukh, I'll be right back. -Yeah.
I'll be back in ten. Actually, I'll be back in five.
Go on.
-Hello. -Jimmy, what are you doing?
-Jimmy! -Why you feeling shy?
-Jimmy... -We're not doing anything.
-Jimmy... Jimmy... -Does this feel good?
-Jimmy! -I was saying...
-Slower. -Close the door.
Let's sing the praises of Lord Krishna
I didn't leave the door open.
Jimmy!
Let go of him!
You lied, you fucking asshole! You lied to the police!
Call the police. I've murdered someone.
I murdered Shastri. Call the police!
The truth eventually comes walking to us.
What's up, dumbfuck?
You're back to where you belong.
Eventually, the world had to find out what a big loser you are.
The bigger the stage, the bigger the embarrassment.
Go back, son.
Go back home. Go back to cleaning, washing, dusting.
That's where you belong. Go back.
You don't have the fire in your belly!
I am not going anywhere.
Look...
I have the fire within.
And it burns fiercer than the fire that burned in my uncle's factory's furnace.
Hasmukh! Hasmukh!
Have you lost your mind?
What was that?
Was it a bad dream?
No. Reality.
I'm never going to go back, Jimmy. Never!
I've got to win at the show tonight.
I must get the feel.
Sujoy Agarwal must still be in his hotel.
Well done!
I'll ask the guy for advice.
These big shots love giving free advice.
And then somehow I'll bring him close to the bathroom.
What if he doesn't want to go to the bathroom?
Just leave that to me.
Then I'll tell him that I am going inside to pee. He'll follow me inside.
You can't just tell someone to pee if he doesn't want to, Jimmy.
When a guy's drunk,
all you need to do is say the word in front of him, and he'll want to pee.
And then,
it'll just be you, your belt, and Agarwal will be dead meat.
Yeah. It's a nice dialogue for our play.
Of course, this is all for our play.
-You'll remember everything, right? -Yes. I'm ready to entertain.
Yeah, all for entertainment.
-Hasmukh's vanity? -Back.
Jameel bhai. Hello.
How are you?
Hi, Rhea.
-Hello. -Good morning. You guys are here early.
Yes, the traffic here scares us, so...
Don't worry, you'll get used to it.
Look at that, our very own KK.
When are you returning my money?
And who's the meatloaf?
Your show can go to hell for all I care.
Where is my money?
Jameel Indori.
I'll pay you on the 1st. I promise.
He started out as a light man in the industry.
I've been listening to your excuses for two months now. 1st, 5th, 7th, 10th, 15th.
Nowadays he's involved in all kinds of legal and illegal businesses.
He runs the entire Film City.
Do you know about the B-grade film producer Kallu Patel?
Yeah.
-Indori used to be his lap dog. -I see.
But then how did his luck turn?
One day, Kallu was very drunk,
and he asked Indori to lick his feet.
Lick my feet!
Later that day, Indori laced everyone's drinks
with strong doses of sleeping pills.
When everyone fell asleep,
he scooped out their eyes with a spoon
and put them in a pickle jar.
He did that?
Take his car.
He also fixes matches.
-Not the car-- -Move.
KK had placed a bet.
Please Jameel bhai.
And lost the money.
All right, very well, fine then.
Why are you-- He's a new guy. Please, Jameel bhai.
Please don't do this.
My BMW...
Jameel bhai, I will pay you back.
Jameel bhai, for my sake. Hey, stop the car.
Don't you dare start the car. Jameel bhai...
You will have to drive over my body. Come on!
What the hell! Come on.
Jameel bhai, please...
Have you lost your mind?
Weren't you listening to the list of his accomplishments?
He's a big gangster! A gangster!
So what if he's a big gangster? One should think big, right?
The only thing that will be big is our graves. I can't commit this murder.
Then who are we going to sacrifice?
You won't kill the good people and you're terrified of the bad.
Just kill me then.
Jimmy, please stop being a drama queen.
Why not? I am just making your life easier by ending my life.
Let's go back to Saharanpur.
Mr. Shrivastava, I know you don't murder people.
You're a good man.
See, Wasim.
KK is old news now.
The real winner is this guy.
How do you do it? How do you write this?
It just comes to me.
I wake up in the morning, close my eyes and manage to hit the right note.
Every creative person has some kind of lucky charm.
Yes.
We've heard that even you have a lucky charm.
Yes, I do.
Some have a lucky tree.
Some have a lucky eye.
But you have a lucky pond, don't you?
Yes, the pond.
That's why I always shoot at least one scene from my films there.
Sir, could we also see this pond?
Of course, I'll take you there.
And then you can comfortably sit there, with one eye closed...
and write all you want.
I've heard a lot of stories about your pond.
We'll take him to the pond.
There will be fewer people out there.
You take care of your business there. I'll handle the rest.
I'll make his body vanish right there in the pond.
Why don't we go there and continue our chat? It'll be nice to be out.
Yeah, we'll go there. Why don't you have some snacks first?
Get some spoons.
No need for spoons. We prefer using our hands.
Okay.
We heard the story about Kallu.
That's pretty diabolical, I must say.
That's just a story.
Word on the street is Kallu is still alive.
It's important to maintain an image to keep one's influence.
Jameel bhai, Sunny has slapped Baby at the movie set.
Don't you dare touch me!
I'm not like the rest of your girlfriends!
Quiet! Be quiet!
Now look, I have a heavy hand. It isn't my fault.
Come on, let's go inside, come on.
Stop this right now!
Sir! Please, let me go. Let go of me.
Take ma'am to the doctor
and tell the director to take a couple of shots without her.
Sir, this is between us. Tell him. Tell him, Sweety!
Sir, this is completely wrong...
-Mr. Sunny... -Sir...
...the last time you held ma'am's hand with love...
she suffered a fracture.
One more thing! Just one more thing.
If you ever lay a hand on a woman again,
you will awaken the demon inside me,
and then I'm sure you know what'll happen next.
-Wasim! -Yes, sir.
Give him whatever he's owed.
Leave me, let me go!
Indori, you don't know who I am.
I'll fuck your happiness, you asshole! Let me go!
Let me go!
I'm really embarrassed about this episode.
I rarely ever lose my temper but
these kind of people drive you to the edge.
We had a completely different opinion about you.
But you're nothing like we thought.
Hasmukh! Hasmukh! Hasmukh!
Hey, sexy.
You don't have any excuse today. Who will you blame it on this time?
Let's see how long you can keep up your act.
Please settle down.
Leave your worries behind.
And please smile a little.
What happened? Did someone die?
Once, a wife said to her husband,
"My feet are aching. Can you massage them?"
The husband replied, "Is your neck hurting, too?"
Once, a wife asked her husband,
"Darling, does this dress make me look fat?"
The husband replied, "No, of course not. Every dress makes you look fat."
The real jokes are not in our books.
They're written on the faces of Indian women.
Such is the condition of women.
When alive, they are burnt in the oven
and after you die, you expect them to sacrifice their lives.
You take her entire house as dowry,
but keep her in the kitchen after she gets married.
Others might think it's cruelty, but we look at it as love.
By the way, ladies, when you smile...
you look beautiful.
Give a big round of applause for your beautiful faces.
Wait. Wait. Not for yourself, but applaud your parents.
After all, they get the credit for how you look.
And if you're beautiful, you can get away with anything in life.
Have you ever seen a good-looking guy in jail? No.
Even if a good-looking guy kills someone,
the law will still hang some ugly guy instead.
Whether justice is served or not,
at least we're reducing the ugly population of the world.
And look at you girls.
You love Hrithik, Tiger, Salman, and Akshay.
But it's your average Joe who buys you popcorn during the intermission.
If a guy is good-looking, society lets him get away with anything.
If he beats someone up, they say, "Wow! He's an action hero."
If he cheats you out of your money, they say, "What great business acumen."
And if he raises his hand at a woman...
yes, they say, "These things happen sometimes."
All right, before I go, here's another joke for you.
Once, a wife said to her husband...
Nothing.
Respect women.
Women are like time.
If you don't respect time, it slips away.
Hasmukh! Hasmukh!
My name is Hasmukh. Good night.
ONE LAST JOKE BEFORE I LEAVE. ONCE, A WIFE ASKED HER HUSBAND...
Hasmukh! Hasmukh! Hasmukh! Hasmukh!
Fantastic.
Let's go.
Jimmy... Here.
Well done, Hasmukh.
You were absolutely amazing, my dream-weaver!
Really?
Do you hear all that cheering?
It will drown out every voice that has ever spoken against you.
Understood?
Congratulations! Brilliant!
This is exactly what we want.
Jimmy...
Wasim went to see Shastri after you?
Yes.
But he was at the Hyderabad airport at the time.
Tension.
When tension arrives, pension departs.