1
00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:16,391
Hey, babe. Come on, babe, seriously.
Just a quick one.

2
00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:17,851
Fuck off!

3
00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:25,734
I'm not scared…

4
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:31,197
…Of dying and I don't really care

5
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,616
If it's peace you find in dying…

6
00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:38,121
Well, then, let the time be near…

7
00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,623
-Oh shit!
-Oh! Oh! Oh!

8
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,543
Dude, I didn't see you there. I'm sorry.
Oh! No, no. No, no. No, no!

9
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,795
God dammit, man!

10
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,381
Way down there
I hear that it's cold way down there

11
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:52,052
Yeah, crazy cold way down there

12
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,929
And when I die and when I'm gone…

13
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:55,930
Oh shit!

14
00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:56,973
Son of a bitch!

15
00:00:57,056 --> 00:01:00,685
There'll be one child born in this world
To carry on, to carry on…

16
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,145
Whoa! No!

17
00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:03,855
Damn!

18
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:07,067
Oh shit!

19
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:09,736
Hey, guys. I'll give you 50 bucks
for one of your bikes.

20
00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:15,450
Give me your board!

21
00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:16,868
Sorry, dude.

22
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:21,498
Here I go, ha!

23
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:24,125
Hey, hey

24
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:25,502
Here comes the devil

25
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,003
Right behind…

26
00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:28,129
Oh! Watch out.

27
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:30,590
Look out, children! Here he comes!

28
00:01:30,673 --> 00:01:33,468
Give it up for Matt McCusker, everybody!

29
00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:38,264
Don't want to go by the devil

30
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:40,058
Don't want to go by the demon

31
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,893
Don't want to go by Satan

32
00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:43,978
Don't want to die uneasy

33
00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:45,980
Thank you.

34
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,440
Thank you, guys.

35
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,194
Holy fuck, man.

36
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:52,654
Ontario, California.

37
00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:55,031
This… this place is the best, man.

38
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,951
Everyone told me, "Don't fucking film
in Ontario, California."

39
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:02,664
They said, "Don't film in the land
of the most giant Mexicans ever."

40
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,586
I don't know what they're feeding
you guys here, man.

41
00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:11,339
Must be that nixtalized masa.

42
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,094
A lot of beautiful couples here.
That's nice.

43
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:18,596
I like to see the couples, man.
You guys are important to me.

44
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:22,350
I come to these shows and it's like…
I think about you guys afterwards.

45
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,353
I'm just alone, shivering in my bed.

46
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,107
"I wonder what that guy
in the Hawaiian shirt is doing right now."

47
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,901
"Kissing and touching his girlfriend."

48
00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:35,446
It is crazy.
I've been married for so long.

49
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:38,575
I can't even wrap my head around
the concept of a girlfriend anymore.

50
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,535
Does anyone here…
Do you guys live together?

51
00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,328
-Yeah.
-Okay, you guys live together.

52
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,956
Does anyone here have a girlfriend
they don't live with?

53
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:46,457
Right there?

54
00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,376
Yeah, that's… that's fucking crazy.

55
00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:51,421
She just comes to your house
and then leaves?

56
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:54,924
Like a hooker? That's…

57
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:57,343
That's nuts.

58
00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:02,932
Living with a woman is crazy.
Every man needs to do it, though.

59
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,809
It's good for a man. Every man needs that.

60
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:08,730
Like, a woman's critical gaze
hovering over every aspect of your life.

61
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,942
Just following you around the house.
Like, "What are you doing right now?"

62
00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:17,071
After ten years, it wears you down, man.

63
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,239
Now, at the end of the day,

64
00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,241
I don't know
what to do with myself anymore.

65
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,869
I just stand in my kitchen
like a Tesla robot.

66
00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,414
Until my wife walks by
and she goes, "Go to bed."

67
00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:28,124
I'm like, "My bad, you're right, sorry."

68
00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,711
"Sorry I was awake.
Yes, shouldn't have done that."

69
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,841
And then you gotta seduce your wife.
Nobody tells you that when you're little.

70
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,010
You gotta seduce your wife.

71
00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:42,555
When I was a little boy,
and I carried this idea into my adulthood,

72
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:46,309
I just assumed that, like,
once you got married, it was on tap.

73
00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:50,521
Not the case.

74
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:53,733
When I was a little boy,
I would get jealous of my uncles.

75
00:03:53,816 --> 00:03:55,068
I'd see them out at parties.

76
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:57,570
I'm like, "They can have sex
with my aunts whenever they want."

77
00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:58,655
"That's so cool."

78
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:02,116
"Oh!"

79
00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:05,620
I was young. I didn't know
which ones were my dad's sisters.

80
00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:07,080
All mixed up, I don't know.

81
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,877
Yeah, it sucks, man.

82
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:15,880
Here's the thing. You gotta seduce
your wife when you're married.

83
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:18,591
You gotta, like…
You gotta come up with new tricks.

84
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,302
And after a while, it's just like…
You just run out.

85
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:24,138
After ten years, I can take my best stuff,

86
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:25,974
my most surefire moves…

87
00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:27,642
Nothing, man.

88
00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:29,310
I'm talking high-level shit.

89
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,230
You know, like an ice-cold boner
on her back in the middle of the night.

90
00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,526
No effect.

91
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:41,781
It's like a fly landing on a horse's ass.
She just twitches her muscle and…

92
00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:44,575
It slips off.

93
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,872
And your wife, when you want
to have sex with your wife,

94
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:53,167
like, that's the only person in the world
you can have sex with.

95
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:56,296
And you'll come to them,
and they're just like, "No."

96
00:04:57,922 --> 00:04:59,507
It's not like we're at the grocery store.

97
00:04:59,590 --> 00:05:02,301
I'm in the bread aisle, like,
"Touch my dick. Quick, nobody's looking."

98
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,681
No, we're in bed. We're naked together.

99
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:09,767
At the end of the day, I'm like,
"What if we combined our bodies

100
00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:10,852
in mutual pleasure?"

101
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:15,398
"Remember our vows in front of our family?
Wasn't that nice?"

102
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,192
"Should we have sex right now?"

103
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,823
Doesn't even bat an eyelash.
She'll be like, "No!"

104
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,118
"Why would I do that with you?"
I'm like, "Yeah, you're right. My bad."

105
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:30,830
It hurts, man.

106
00:05:30,913 --> 00:05:34,334
Your wife will just look you in the eye
and be like, "Nah, it's not happening."

107
00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:37,378
And honestly, I don't feel bad
because, like, here's the thing.

108
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:40,214
We are… Like, women aren't
as horny as guys. I hate to say it.

109
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,092
A lot of women are like, "We're horny."
It's like, "Yeah, kind of, dude."

110
00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:45,053
"Kind of."

111
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:47,305
Like, you guys, like,
just don't care, man.

112
00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:50,892
And it's like… I'll tell my wife,
I'm like, "It's been six days."

113
00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,770
Like she has any idea
what I'm going through.

114
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:57,940
And she'll just laugh at me.
She's like, "You're ridiculous."

115
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:02,028
If she has her period, I can't be like,
"Dude, you've had it for half your life."

116
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:03,112
"Fucking figure it out."

117
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:07,950
I would never. Because I think
periods hurt. I believe her.

118
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:11,329
I'm like, "That's got to be horrible,
terrible and, you know, uncomfortable."

119
00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:14,248
But to put it in perspective,
all that pain from a period,

120
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,583
that's one egg.

121
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,126
That's coming from one egg.

122
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,921
Guys, we have 70 trillion sperm cells…

123
00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:23,424
…just fighting to the death in our bodies.

124
00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:25,927
Like, "Move us the fuck out of here now!"

125
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:30,390
Just like dudes hanging off a helicopter.
Like, "Drop us, we're going in now. Go!"

126
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,314
No, man. It's tough.

127
00:06:38,981 --> 00:06:42,318
It's tough, man. You know,
I'm a horny guy. And, you know, it's like…

128
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:46,531
I love my wife to death. And it's like
she just really doesn't have any idea.

129
00:06:46,614 --> 00:06:49,742
I can tell by, like,
the ideas she comes up with.

130
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:52,870
She came up to me recently and she was
like, "We should do a couple's massage."

131
00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:54,205
I thought it was something else.

132
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:56,332
I was like,
"If you're ready for that, I'm down."

133
00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:02,171
No, it's just a regular massage.
It's even worse.

134
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,550
A couple's massage is you and your wife
in the same room in two twin beds

135
00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:07,135
like brother and sister, like…

136
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,807
And then your wife falls asleep
in, like, four seconds.

137
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:15,560
Just passes out on the table
and you're left alone

138
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,688
to have the most harrowing
sexual experience of your life.

139
00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:24,068
You're just laying there. There's a lady
massaging oil into your butt cheeks.

140
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,737
You're harder than you've ever been.

141
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:28,489
Hands down.

142
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:32,535
They whisper to you. They gotta stop that.
They're whispering in your ear.

143
00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:34,328
Like, "How's the pressure?"

144
00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:38,124
I'm like, "It's pretty good. I'm pushing
all the way down."

145
00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:43,129
You guys realize
the reason you're supposed…

146
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:44,464
The point of a massage…

147
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,924
You know what's supposed to happen?
You're supposed to come.

148
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,552
Believe it or not.

149
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,388
After a stranger rubs
your body for an hour,

150
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,182
you're not supposed
to pop up off the table

151
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:57,268
and be like, "Pleasure doing business
with you. Thank you very much."

152
00:07:57,768 --> 00:07:59,145
"Back to work I go."

153
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,025
Yeah, I'm a horny guy,
but here's the thing.

154
00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:06,777
I've never cheated on my wife
and I never will cheat on my wife, man.

155
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:10,615
I'm happy about that. But that evil energy
is still in my body all the time.

156
00:08:11,699 --> 00:08:13,242
I would never fuck around with my wife,

157
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:16,370
but if I see an attractive lady getting
into an elevator 40 feet ahead of me,

158
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,540
it's like, I'm only human,
I'm gonna walk as fast as I can.

159
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,711
Just to get in the elevator with her
and smell her and stuff.

160
00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:29,800
I'm being honest.

161
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:34,680
But once I'm in there,
I'll, like, I'll use my evil for good.

162
00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,682
I'll start protecting her in there.

163
00:08:37,558 --> 00:08:40,228
"You know, there's a lot of creeps
and perverts out there, ma'am."

164
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,232
"I should know. I used to be one myself."

165
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:45,858
Pow!

166
00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:50,613
"If I could have one of your hairs
as payment, that would be ideal."

167
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:56,202
"I'm gonna put it between my butt cheeks
and take a walk later."

168
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:03,751
But the worst is when you just happen
to get off on the same floor of the hotel.

169
00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:06,045
That's when I feel really bad
for the lady.

170
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:08,881
Because you get to the seventh floor
and they get kind of cocky.

171
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:11,676
They're like, "Have a good night."
You're like, "The night's not over."

172
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,680
From her perspective.

173
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:18,015
And it's pure coincidence.

174
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,308
She's room 713

175
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,562
and you're, like, 402 at the Days Inn
a couple miles down the street.

176
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,067
But you swore an oath to protect her.

177
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:31,529
So you shall.

178
00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:35,032
It's tough, man. I'm a horny guy.

179
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,450
I am.

180
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:39,954
I'm a horny guy living in the worst state
for horny guys. I live in Texas.

181
00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:41,956
You can't go on Pornhub in Texas.

182
00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:44,709
You can, but you gotta show
your ID to the government.

183
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:47,545
I had no idea. I moved there.
I set down the last box.

184
00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:49,797
I was like, "Finally, I can relax.
My family's asleep."

185
00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:53,718
Finally.

186
00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,137
Just a long scroll of text.

187
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:57,555
Your governor actually made it

188
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,849
so you have to show your identification
to go on Pornhub.

189
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,768
And I was furious. I was like,
"Who the fuck is this governor?"

190
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,938
"I'm gonna beat this guy's ass."

191
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:09,358
Then I looked it up. Our governor's
in a wheelchair. I didn't know that.

192
00:10:10,484 --> 00:10:13,487
His name is Greg Abbott.
He's in a wheelchair. I felt bad.

193
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,449
I had to delete a couple of tweets.
I was like, "This is not a good look."

194
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:18,909
Can't threaten that guy.

195
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:22,288
The more I live there, though,
I'm kind of like, I don't know,

196
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:23,456
I'm coming around to it.

197
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:25,958
It's an effective way
to stop people from watching porn

198
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,419
because I don't want to watch it
like that, I want to stop.

199
00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:32,423
Like, that is a real firewall,
having to use your ID to look at Pornhub.

200
00:10:32,506 --> 00:10:36,510
Has anyone here actually showed
their driver's license to go on Pornhub,

201
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:37,928
by a round of applause?

202
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,680
Yeah, not a single fucking person.

203
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:44,060
I don't know if you've ever been
about to watch porn and masturbate,

204
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,228
and you had to stare
at your own driver's license.

205
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,274
That's a real moment with yourself.

206
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,445
It's just you from two years ago
and you're like, "I'm sorry, man."

207
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,697
"I don't know what I'm doing."

208
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,284
I found a work-around, by the way.

209
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,661
If you're ever in Texas
and you want to go on Pornhub,

210
00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:04,664
I just use my wife's driver's license.

211
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,544
Party under her account
for a couple hours.

212
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:13,881
That's my goal.

213
00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:16,967
I want to go so hard this year
that they suspend her driver's license.

214
00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:20,846
Just to see if they're paying attention.

215
00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:24,600
I want my wife to go to the DMV to renew,

216
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:28,354
and just have some old southern man
be like, "What the hell?"

217
00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:35,111
Greg Abbott wheels out, like,
"Son of a gun! It's her. It's really her!"

218
00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,030
"Quite the nocturnal creature, ain't ya?"

219
00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:44,870
But no, I love my wife.
My wife… my wife's a cool lady.

220
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,998
Love my wife to death. I don't know
if you guys can tell by my swag.

221
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,668
I do have a Black wife.
I'm not bragging. It's like…

222
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:53,087
I don't know. Thank you. Look…

223
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:55,172
Uh…

224
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:58,467
It's kind of racist you guys are cheering,
but I'll forgive that.

225
00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:03,139
You guys are freaking out.
I don't even care. Honestly, I don't.

226
00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:05,516
I will say as a white guy
with a Black wife,

227
00:12:05,599 --> 00:12:07,309
it is on the tip of your tongue
all the time.

228
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,728
You can't wait to tell people.

229
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:12,857
I'll be at the grocery store.
"Sir, do you want us to bag for you?"

230
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,359
I'm like, "I have a Black wife.
I don't know, whatever you do."

231
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,236
"Your call."

232
00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:20,698
No, I don't even care. I swear to God,
I don't give a fuck, man. I…

233
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,324
We've been together for so long.

234
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,453
You know, something like race,
that just melts away after ten years.

235
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:28,664
Like, dude, I forget my wife's Black
half the time. I swear to God.

236
00:12:28,747 --> 00:12:31,709
There's mornings I wake up
and I'm just like, "Jesus fucking Christ!"

237
00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:35,921
"Oh, my love."

238
00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:39,300
"You startled me there."

239
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,429
"Can we kiss? No. What the fuck?!"

240
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:51,395
I'm fucking around. The real difference is
my wife is very extroverted and outgoing.

241
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,564
And I'm actually an introverted guy,
believe it or not.

242
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:56,233
I can do stand-up for hundreds of people.
It doesn't bother me.

243
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,527
But if my wife has, like,
two of her friends at our house,

244
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,404
like, I can't do that for some reason.

245
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,949
I'll just sit there and watch
my wife's friends for, like, 20 minutes.

246
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,286
And it's not my fault
because women can be rude, man.

247
00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:10,664
Women will come into your house
and just talk shit right to your face.

248
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,709
I've met a couple of her friends
for the first time.

249
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,670
They said the same thing to me.
They go, "Oh, you do stand-up?"

250
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:18,506
"I could never see you doing that."

251
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,635
I wouldn't go into their house
and meet their husband. "You're in sales?"

252
00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:24,595
"You strike me as weak and ineffective."

253
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,932
"Beautiful home."

254
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,683
"Come on, girl."

255
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,854
So now I'm in my head like,
"Who the fuck is this lady?"

256
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:36,774
My wife's in my ear like,
"Say something. You're being rude."

257
00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,984
"You haven't talked.
It doesn't matter what you say."

258
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,529
I'm like, "Dude, it matters
what I say right now."

259
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,781
You can't be on the edge of a convo

260
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:46,992
and just out of nowhere be like,
"Fuck it, I saw a dead turtle today. Uh…"

261
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,953
"Uh…"

262
00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:51,539
"Ah, fuck, they didn't even hear me."

263
00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:54,375
"All right, let's do it again
from the top."

264
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,754
But yeah, my wife's
one of those people, like,

265
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,257
she'll talk about anything
in front of anybody,

266
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:02,675
and I don't like that, man.

267
00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:04,843
We were out together recently
and she turned to me,

268
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,137
and she was like,
"I think you have social anxiety."

269
00:14:07,638 --> 00:14:09,932
I'm like, "Dude, we're at a party.
Shut the fuck up!"

270
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,892
"What are you doing?"

271
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:16,564
"I'm fine as long as I eat a tortilla chip
every 37 seconds. I'm good."

272
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:20,234
"I don't need you telling everyone
I have fucking party aids

273
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:21,694
or whatever you're making up."

274
00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:23,487
"Jesus!"

275
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,366
I have a trick at parties.

276
00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:28,909
If I'm uncomfortable at a party,

277
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:32,162
I try to find someone at the party
a little more awkward than myself.

278
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:34,915
Then in my head…
This is the key, you gotta do it silently.

279
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,668
In my head, I go, "Look at
that fucking loser, what a piece of shit."

280
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,547
And then I talk to that person all night.

281
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,675
I was at a party recently,

282
00:14:44,758 --> 00:14:47,720
and, you know, I was just, like,
doing this weird little thing I do.

283
00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:51,640
And I just so happened… Nothing to do
with her, you know, lifestyle or whatever.

284
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:56,145
I just so happened to, like,
just, like, lock in on this lesbian lady.

285
00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:59,982
And it was nothing… You know, it was just
what she was doing drew my attention.

286
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:03,527
She was arguing with her father
at a party, which was crazy.

287
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:06,280
I don't know what they're arguing about,
probably the family business,

288
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:07,781
if I had to guess, I don't know.

289
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:10,826
"I can run the mill, Dad.
Give me the goddamn chance."

290
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:14,955
I… I don't know. "Don't undermine me
in front of the guys, you motherfucker."

291
00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:18,417
But what happened was,
she got in her dad's face at a party

292
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,211
and was like, "Fuck you,"
and stormed out of the party.

293
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:24,590
And I was like, "That's crazy."
That was a revelation for me.

294
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:29,094
I was like, "That's being bad at parties.
My wife's right. I'm just in my head."

295
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:30,804
"It doesn't matter what I say."

296
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:34,224
"Next conversation I see,
I'm jumping in, no questions asked."

297
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:37,895
And I walked up and I saw my wife talking
to another Black lady about wigs,

298
00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:39,605
and I was like, "All right, uh…"

299
00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:43,776
"Hmm."

300
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,821
"Let's test this theory. Let's see."

301
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:50,991
And I'm not crazy. I observed.

302
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,702
I observed for a little bit.
I sat and watched in my…

303
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,621
My wife was praising her, like, weirdly.

304
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,832
My wife was like, "It looks so good,
I can't even tell it's a wig."

305
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,292
I kind of came up from behind.

306
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,753
I was like,
"Your wig does look fantastic, ma'am."

307
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:07,174
"My name's Matt.
This is my Black wife beside me."

308
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:09,885
"No big deal."

309
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:14,765
But then I did, I just kind of like,
you know, went off script.

310
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:18,560
I was like, "When my wife wears wigs,
looks like she's on the run from the FBI."

311
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,645
"She looks crazy."

312
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:24,191
For real, I swear to God,
I actually did that. It was not good.

313
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:26,068
It was a bad day for me.

314
00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:29,363
On that day, I made not one,
but two Black enemies for life.

315
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,992
It's bad.

316
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,202
I had to go outside
and find that big lesbian lady,

317
00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:36,578
and recharge my powers.

318
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:41,250
I feel bad. If I'm being honest,
I feel bad for regular gay people.

319
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,419
You know, can I be open with you guys?

320
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:44,753
I feel bad.

321
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:48,966
Remember regular gay people, like,
two dudes in sweaters blowing each other?

322
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:51,301
Classic gay guys.

323
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,803
You don't see them anymore.

324
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:54,304
You know what happened?

325
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:57,057
I feel like trans people watched
regular gay people being gay,

326
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,726
and they're like, "You think that's gay?"

327
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:00,310
"Get the fuck out of the way."

328
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:05,315
For real, if you're a young gay kid
wanting to come out to your father,

329
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:07,276
it's like, don't even waste his time.

330
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,155
No, you're just going to bother your dad.

331
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:15,534
He's out in the garage, just, like,
twisting a wrench on an old motor.

332
00:17:16,034 --> 00:17:18,203
You walk up with your scripted bullshit.

333
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,540
You're like, "Oh, Dad,
I think I want to kiss other boys."

334
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:24,960
Just throws down a greasy rag.

335
00:17:25,043 --> 00:17:27,921
He's like, "We all want
to kiss other boys, all right?"

336
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:37,473
"Son, kissing boys
is just dude stuff now."

337
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,518
"Go mow the lawn, all right?"

338
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,897
"You can kiss your buddies
when you're done."

339
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:50,319
"But do it here where I can keep an eye
on you guys and make sure you're all…"

340
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:53,238
He's a cool dad, come on.

341
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:58,368
Yeah.

342
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:02,456
I don't know what the kids are doing.
I don't know what the kids are up to.

343
00:18:02,539 --> 00:18:04,750
Is anyone here 21, by the way?
Any 21-year-olds?

344
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,752
Hell yeah, we got you right there.

345
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:08,796
I'm just trying to find
the dumbest people in here.

346
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:14,760
It's true, you're dumb as fuck.
I'm… I'm sorry, it's the truth.

347
00:18:14,843 --> 00:18:16,553
Here's the problem. It's not your fault.

348
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,890
When you're 21, you're so dumb
and you think you're so smart.

349
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:21,642
It's a bad combination.

350
00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:25,479
You think you're so smart because you have
nothing to compare yourself to at 21.

351
00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:28,315
When you're 21, you just look back
to when you were, like, 11.

352
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,277
That's your baseline.

353
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:35,739
You're just walking around like,
"Dude, I am crushing it right now."

354
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:39,284
"Drove myself to work
every day this week."

355
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,914
"Went to the grocery store twice."

356
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,918
Here's the thing, though, man.

357
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,962
What happens is, you turn 31,

358
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:53,924
and everyone goes, "Oh my God,
I think I've fucked my entire life up."

359
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:56,593
"Oh no!"

360
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,097
But that's good,
because at 31, you get perspective.

361
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:03,350
You go, "Whoa, if I knew I was dumb then,

362
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:06,478
when I'm 41, I'm gonna know
that I was dumb now."

363
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:10,607
And what happens is, as you get older
and older, you just keep getting up there,

364
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:13,068
and then one day,
right before you die, you go,

365
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,779
"Oh my God,
I've been dumb my whole fucking life!"

366
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:18,699
And then you die.

367
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:21,034
Unfortunately.

368
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:25,414
I will say, though, at 21, there are
things you can do to set yourself up

369
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:26,957
for, you know, the long term.

370
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,042
-Can I ask you, do you have a credit card?
-No.

371
00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:29,960
-No?
-No.

372
00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:31,628
No, just not fucking with them?

373
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:35,924
Who else is 21? What about you,
do you have a credit card, sir?

374
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:36,925
I've got five.

375
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,844
You've got five? Dude, come on.

376
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:42,014
"Yeah, I'm under a mountain
of fucking debt, dude."

377
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:47,352
What's your credit limit,
if you don't mind me asking?

378
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,897
-Like, 2,000.
-2,000? Right, player, that's what's up.

379
00:19:52,816 --> 00:19:55,068
Young, rich, big dick, bro.
That's what's up, man.

380
00:19:57,779 --> 00:20:00,908
Let me ask you this. Do you pay your
credit card back on time? That's my point.

381
00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:02,618
-Do you pay your credit card on time?
-Yes.

382
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:05,204
That's where you're fucking up.
That's what I'm trying to tell…

383
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:08,582
Only a fool would do that.

384
00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:11,585
What's the penalty
for not paying your credit card?

385
00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:15,631
Nothing! You fucking dumbass,
you know what they do? Every seven years…

386
00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:19,051
I'm gonna school you guys, this whole
front row of fucking horny studs

387
00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:20,135
right up here.

388
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,597
Every seven years, the debt resets.

389
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,474
It's actually,
and I say this with respect,

390
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,142
it's a Jewish rule, I swear to God.

391
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,356
Look it up, it's in the Old Testament.
It's called the Jubilee.

392
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,735
It's in Leviticus and Deuteronomy.
I'm not lying.

393
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:40,572
I was 21, I just spent all that money.

394
00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:42,783
I just fucking threw
that thing in the trash.

395
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,494
Set myself up for life.

396
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:49,831
You know what the penalty is
for not paying your credit card? Nothing!

397
00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:54,503
Just a lady from Minnesota calls you
every day for a month, that's it.

398
00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:59,633
She would call me every day
and be like, "Oh, you owe us $2,500."

399
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:03,637
And all I had to do, legally speaking,
was go, "No, I don't," and just hang up.

400
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:08,183
But then there are levels
to debt collection.

401
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,102
I don't know if you know this.
There are levels.

402
00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:12,229
Like, eventually,
just, like, some dude started…

403
00:21:12,312 --> 00:21:15,190
I don't know if it was her older brother.
I don't know who this guy was.

404
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,653
This guy called me up one morning
at 7:00 a.m. with a major attitude.

405
00:21:19,736 --> 00:21:22,155
Called me up, he goes,
"What are you, sleeping?"

406
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,700
I swear to God.
He goes, "What are you, sleeping?"

407
00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:27,661
"A real man goes to work
so he can pay his debts."

408
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:31,790
It's like, "Dude, you're just mad that
you paid money for my negative money."

409
00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:39,172
"Which, businessman to businessman,
not a good move."

410
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:44,094
He was furious. He was like,
"What do you know about business?"

411
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:46,179
It's like, "Dude,
I'm up 2,500 bucks right now."

412
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:52,436
"I'm the only one making any fucking money
around here in this place."

413
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:55,397
Thank you.

414
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:57,316
I'm trying to tell you.

415
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,698
But then there is a third and final level
to debt collection.

416
00:22:04,781 --> 00:22:07,075
This actually sucks.
It gets kind of intense.

417
00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:09,995
What they do is, at the third level,
they call your family

418
00:22:10,078 --> 00:22:11,788
to tell them what a giant loser you are.

419
00:22:12,789 --> 00:22:13,915
That hurts.

420
00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:17,669
They called my cousin
when I was with my cousin.

421
00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:21,131
It was insane. I… I was
at my cousin's house just smoking weed.

422
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:23,425
They called my cousin.
He started freaking out.

423
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:26,345
He was like, "Dude, you owe
the credit card company money?"

424
00:22:27,929 --> 00:22:31,141
"Like, dude, relax. Just tell them
I'm dead, all right? It's all good."

425
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:35,771
He played it off pretty good.
He was like, "Oh, yeah, he's dead."

426
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:38,065
"I just talked to him, actually.
He's dead."

427
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:43,570
And then they asked my cousin
a follow-up question.

428
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:46,198
I didn't hear the question.
They asked my cousin, "How did he die?"

429
00:22:46,281 --> 00:22:47,949
Which is crazy. "How did he die?"

430
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,952
My cousin's an asshole. He was like,
"He died from having too much gay sex."

431
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:54,581
It's not funny, man.

432
00:22:55,624 --> 00:22:57,042
For real, that's immature.

433
00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:58,835
Put me in a weird position.

434
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,670
I had to call back right away.
"Hey, it's me."

435
00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:02,130
"Yeah, right, you wish."

436
00:23:07,177 --> 00:23:10,806
"Not that it's any of your business,
but actually, uh, what happened was,

437
00:23:10,889 --> 00:23:13,391
I broke my neck
eating pussy on a ski lift."

438
00:23:17,145 --> 00:23:19,523
"Talking to that lady from Minnesota
who called earlier?"

439
00:23:21,566 --> 00:23:24,528
"Turns out squirt does freeze.
I don't know if you know that."

440
00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:28,824
"There was a lot of it that day."

441
00:23:29,616 --> 00:23:32,786
"Had to shut down the mountain, actually.
Couldn't ski on it."

442
00:23:35,163 --> 00:23:38,208
I don't know, 21 is so cool.
I love 21. That's a cool age, man.

443
00:23:38,291 --> 00:23:40,460
Do you guys use dating apps?
Can I ask you guys that?

444
00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:41,670
-No.
-Okay.

445
00:23:41,753 --> 00:23:42,879
Instagram.

446
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:43,964
Oh, all right, dude.

447
00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:48,176
Old-fashioned way, I see.

448
00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:52,764
"I sent her a letter on the Pony Express."

449
00:23:56,768 --> 00:23:57,978
Sick, dude.

450
00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:02,524
A lot of 21-year-old men have, like,
a thing where they're kind of like,

451
00:24:02,607 --> 00:24:03,650
"I don't need that shit."

452
00:24:03,733 --> 00:24:05,777
It's like, use it.
What the fuck are you doing?

453
00:24:05,861 --> 00:24:07,571
Dating apps are a good technology.

454
00:24:07,654 --> 00:24:11,867
It's like doing math and being like,
"You can have that calculator. I'm good."

455
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:15,787
Use the tool. What are you talking about?

456
00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:17,539
That's amazing.

457
00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:20,000
Dating apps are the first time
in human history

458
00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:23,420
a young man can lay in the safety
and comfort of his own bedroom,

459
00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:25,338
and just summon babes out of the ether.

460
00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:31,428
You can literally just lay there
farting in your boxers.

461
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:35,056
It's like, "Yeah, family's
really important to me too."

462
00:24:35,140 --> 00:24:36,641
"Ugh!"

463
00:24:38,768 --> 00:24:40,061
That's awesome, man.

464
00:24:40,562 --> 00:24:42,481
Dude, when I was 21,
back in the old world,

465
00:24:42,564 --> 00:24:43,732
I had to go to a bar.

466
00:24:43,815 --> 00:24:46,776
And back then, there'd just be women
dancing together in little groups like…

467
00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:49,654
Like the deserts miss the rain…

468
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:52,449
And if you wanted to talk to one of them,

469
00:24:52,532 --> 00:24:55,327
you had to stand, like,
ten feet away in the shadows…

470
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:58,413
…and just get hammered for an hour.

471
00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:03,502
And then just summon the insane courage
to jump out of nowhere

472
00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:05,962
and start dancing on her ass.

473
00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:10,383
It was like breaking in a wild horse.

474
00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:12,469
You're like, "God dammit,
she's nervous as hell."

475
00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:15,514
"Ah, she's bucking on me."

476
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:19,559
"I'd better kiss her from behind
to calm her down."

477
00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:21,728
"Nope, all right, what the fuck?"

478
00:25:22,479 --> 00:25:25,148
The whole time, you're fighting off
her biggest, fattest friend.

479
00:25:25,232 --> 00:25:27,609
You're like,
"Get the fuck off, all right?"

480
00:25:28,318 --> 00:25:30,362
"Call off your fat protector, please."

481
00:25:32,656 --> 00:25:34,032
It was barbaric.

482
00:25:35,158 --> 00:25:36,952
I'm glad we don't do that anymore.

483
00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:40,622
A lot of younger people are like, "It's
embarrassing to say you met on the apps."

484
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,166
It's like, that's nothing.
I have friends, the way they met…

485
00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:46,086
I know a guy who met his wife

486
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:49,422
by being in a bar
and he just punched her in the ass.

487
00:25:49,923 --> 00:25:51,925
And now they have four kids.
That's their story.

488
00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:55,887
I love technology, man.

489
00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:57,764
I think technology makes
our life easy. I do.

490
00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,892
Every app on my phone I like.
It makes my life better, dude.

491
00:26:00,976 --> 00:26:03,061
Uber Eats, amazing.

492
00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:04,729
Fucking mobile banking.

493
00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:07,440
But honestly, Airbnb might be
my favorite, for real.

494
00:26:07,524 --> 00:26:09,776
I don't know
if you guys remember before Airbnb.

495
00:26:09,859 --> 00:26:12,404
Dude, back before Airbnb,
it was almost impossible

496
00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:14,197
to jerk off in a stranger's house.

497
00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:20,328
I don't know how my dad did it. I swear
to God, I don't know how he did it.

498
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:24,332
Now I can make an appointment
anywhere across the country.

499
00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:27,002
They're like, "Mr. McCusker,
we've left you some towels."

500
00:26:27,085 --> 00:26:29,170
I'm like, "You guys better get
the hell out of here."

501
00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:30,839
"You have about half an hour."

502
00:26:31,506 --> 00:26:33,049
"Keep the pictures up. They're fine."

503
00:26:35,218 --> 00:26:36,845
All right, all right.

504
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:39,139
Yeah!

505
00:26:40,849 --> 00:26:42,392
Fair enough.

506
00:26:46,062 --> 00:26:48,607
God dammit, man. I don't know.
Thirty-nine years old.

507
00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:51,985
I don't know if you guys can tell. I look
like shit. You guys can probably tell.

508
00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:53,445
Thirty-nine, man.

509
00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:54,904
Yeah, well, here's the thing.

510
00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:59,159
I thought, like, at 39, coming up to 40,
I'd have more of my life figured out.

511
00:26:59,242 --> 00:27:02,954
The big questions maybe, you know,
a little demystified or whatever,

512
00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:04,372
but, like, I don't know, man.

513
00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:07,292
I… I'm just as confused as ever, like…

514
00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:09,669
Here's one thing
that's really weighing on me.

515
00:27:09,753 --> 00:27:11,755
I don't think I'll ever figure this out,

516
00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:14,466
but when do I get naked
in the gym locker room?

517
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,095
Is that just a decision I make myself?

518
00:27:19,596 --> 00:27:21,848
Just one day, just be like, just…

519
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:26,102
Or do I just show a little bit at a time,
just every day, just a little more?

520
00:27:26,853 --> 00:27:29,105
Or am I going to be taken aside
by two old men

521
00:27:29,189 --> 00:27:31,274
with the biggest, longest asses ever?

522
00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:32,984
Like, "Walk with me, son."

523
00:27:34,319 --> 00:27:35,695
"Prepare the initiates."

524
00:27:37,947 --> 00:27:40,033
It makes no sense
because old guys are the ones

525
00:27:40,116 --> 00:27:41,576
getting naked in the gym locker room.

526
00:27:41,659 --> 00:27:44,871
They don't give a fuck. They'll just bust
their dicks out. No problem.

527
00:27:44,954 --> 00:27:46,373
Just chat with each other.

528
00:27:46,456 --> 00:27:48,416
But then they're
the most, like, homophobic

529
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:50,835
and sexually repressed beings
on the planet.

530
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:53,838
Then they'll do four push-ups
and just bust their dicks out,

531
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:55,632
and be like, "Hey, how you doin'?"

532
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,343
And then dudes my age and younger,

533
00:27:58,426 --> 00:28:01,096
we have a towel around our boxers,
like, "Don't look."

534
00:28:01,596 --> 00:28:03,640
But then we'll fuck around
about gay stuff.

535
00:28:03,723 --> 00:28:06,267
My friend could grab my ass
and be like, "You're turning me on."

536
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:10,313
"Just kidding. We love girls.
Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Yo!"

537
00:28:11,439 --> 00:28:12,816
"It's the best night ever."

538
00:28:15,652 --> 00:28:18,697
If I did that to my dad,
he would punch me until I died.

539
00:28:20,573 --> 00:28:21,908
He would never stop.

540
00:28:24,327 --> 00:28:25,829
It makes no sense.

541
00:28:26,579 --> 00:28:30,166
I actually… I swear to God, I tried this
just so I could, like, understand.

542
00:28:30,250 --> 00:28:32,544
I tried to get naked
in the gym locker room.

543
00:28:32,627 --> 00:28:35,004
I thought, "Maybe this is, like,
a lost rite of passage."

544
00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:37,257
"Like, I'll feel like a man.
I'll come out."

545
00:28:37,340 --> 00:28:40,927
"I have fucking gray hair. It's time
I show these guys my dick. I have to."

546
00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:45,724
And I'll be honest, it started off good.
It started off pretty.

547
00:28:45,807 --> 00:28:49,310
I was in the shower area. I'll be honest,
I was working something up.

548
00:28:52,814 --> 00:28:55,734
Nothing crazy, just like a humble offering
for my elders.

549
00:28:58,945 --> 00:29:01,489
I wasn't going to get all the way hard.
That'd be rude.

550
00:29:02,490 --> 00:29:05,702
Just pop out like, "Ha ha,
the young ram has appeared. Yeah!"

551
00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:10,331
No, I… It was, like, a tasteful display.

552
00:29:10,832 --> 00:29:14,210
It would have been like the formal wear
equivalent, if you guys will.

553
00:29:14,294 --> 00:29:16,796
Like something my mom would see
and be like, "You look handsome."

554
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:17,839
"That's very nice."

555
00:29:20,633 --> 00:29:22,719
You know, I was feeling good.
I was locked in.

556
00:29:22,802 --> 00:29:25,805
I'm like, "This is, you know, this is…
I don't mind presenting this."

557
00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:30,268
And I walked out into the locker room area
and I don't know what I was thinking.

558
00:29:30,351 --> 00:29:34,481
I just like… I just made eye contact
with a guy accidentally, which is fine.

559
00:29:34,564 --> 00:29:36,608
You can do that,
but I instinctively covered.

560
00:29:36,691 --> 00:29:40,612
You cannot cover your penis.
It's totally against gym rules.

561
00:29:41,613 --> 00:29:43,198
I covered, and the guy just looked at me.

562
00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:46,451
I was like, "I'm sorry, mister.
Can you call my mom? I'm sorry."

563
00:29:47,785 --> 00:29:52,332
"I'm just a 39-year-old, gray-haired boy
lost in the world of men."

564
00:29:53,291 --> 00:29:55,376
I blew it.
I, for real, blew it. I actually…

565
00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:57,462
Did you ever turn the lights on
on a mouse?

566
00:29:57,962 --> 00:30:00,256
I just scampered
along the perimeter of the wall like…

567
00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:04,177
Wasn't a good look.

568
00:30:05,178 --> 00:30:06,262
Could have been great.

569
00:30:06,346 --> 00:30:08,223
I could have found
the biggest, oldest naked man

570
00:30:08,306 --> 00:30:09,724
and just wrestled him to the ground.

571
00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:11,935
Like, "Teach me your ways."

572
00:30:12,936 --> 00:30:14,979
It would have been like school
in Ancient Greece.

573
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,732
That was school in Ancient Greece.
You would wrestle a man.

574
00:30:17,816 --> 00:30:19,651
He would teach you
about math and outer space.

575
00:30:19,734 --> 00:30:21,820
It's like, how did we lose that?

576
00:30:23,571 --> 00:30:25,532
Although, you guys probably know
how we lost that.

577
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:27,158
If you know history at all,

578
00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:29,536
traditionally,

579
00:30:29,619 --> 00:30:30,995
in an Ancient Greek school,

580
00:30:31,079 --> 00:30:32,413
the student, male student,

581
00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:34,707
would have to blow
the teacher, male teacher.

582
00:30:34,791 --> 00:30:36,793
No big deal. Guy on guy.

583
00:30:38,878 --> 00:30:40,255
I mean, it's not as bad.

584
00:30:41,297 --> 00:30:43,258
No, that's a thing. You can look that up.

585
00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:44,884
In Ancient Greece, the, you know…

586
00:30:45,385 --> 00:30:47,053
the boy had to blow the teacher.

587
00:30:47,554 --> 00:30:50,682
And the weird thing is, you know,
other than a boy blowing a teacher,

588
00:30:50,765 --> 00:30:53,601
the weird thing is,
the Ancient Greeks thought

589
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:56,437
everyone was gonna be stoked
on them about that.

590
00:30:56,521 --> 00:30:58,273
Like, they didn't do this,
like, hush-hush.

591
00:30:58,356 --> 00:31:02,443
They were, like, painting water vases,
like, old men tickling boys' balls

592
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:05,071
and were like,
"Everyone's going to love this."

593
00:31:05,822 --> 00:31:07,031
And not even 100 years later,

594
00:31:07,115 --> 00:31:10,451
the Romans were like, "What the fuck
are you guys doing? Stop it."

595
00:31:12,495 --> 00:31:14,914
People judge that. People talk
about Ancient Greece like that.

596
00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:17,417
They're like, "I would never suck
someone's dick for math."

597
00:31:17,500 --> 00:31:21,254
And it's like, "Yeah, now you wouldn't,
not with a free public education."

598
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,300
Imagine if it was 3,000 years ago

599
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:27,844
and you're the son
of, like, a poor dirt farmer,

600
00:31:27,927 --> 00:31:31,598
not a single scrap of academic knowledge
in your entire family.

601
00:31:31,681 --> 00:31:34,475
You walk outside. You're like,
"Great, the sun's mad at me again."

602
00:31:34,559 --> 00:31:35,727
"God dammit!"

603
00:31:38,021 --> 00:31:41,190
You go to the market, you try to buy
turnips, money's just been invented.

604
00:31:41,274 --> 00:31:43,526
You're like, "I don't know
what's going on."

605
00:31:44,819 --> 00:31:48,406
Then a guy in, like, a sick robe
just comes down the hillside.

606
00:31:48,489 --> 00:31:50,658
Just a cloaked master
walks up on you, like,

607
00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:54,120
"Did you know
that two straight lines go on forever?"

608
00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:00,335
"Do they ever intersect?"

609
00:32:00,418 --> 00:32:02,545
He's like, "Suck my dick,
I'll tell you right now."

610
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:10,094
Dude, it sounds crazy, but some teachers
today still do practice the ancient ways.

611
00:32:15,224 --> 00:32:18,937
Hey, we have some Pythagoreans
still among us.

612
00:32:22,023 --> 00:32:23,900
Nah, pedophiles,
that's where I draw the line.

613
00:32:23,983 --> 00:32:26,861
That's not funny.
That is not funny stuff, man.

614
00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:28,196
I don't like that stuff.

615
00:32:28,279 --> 00:32:30,365
I never really…
I never really liked pedophiles,

616
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:35,370
but, like, once I had kids, I was like,
"These guys are for sure a problem."

617
00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:37,246
"That's…"

618
00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:39,540
It would terrify me
because there's, like, web pages.

619
00:32:39,624 --> 00:32:42,126
You can look up, like, uh,
Megan's Law or whatever,

620
00:32:42,210 --> 00:32:44,796
and it'll show you
every pedophile in your zip code.

621
00:32:44,879 --> 00:32:48,591
When I had my first kid, I would lay awake
at night, like, "What would I do?"

622
00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:51,094
Like, "What would I really do
if I was at a playground

623
00:32:51,177 --> 00:32:54,514
and I just saw, you know, you saw
a pedophile, the van, the kid in there?"

624
00:32:54,597 --> 00:32:57,058
I would just drill it in my head.
I go in, I pop the door.

625
00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:58,226
It's a clean operation.

626
00:32:58,309 --> 00:33:01,854
Pop the door, grab the pedophile,
free the kid, call the cops, done.

627
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:03,356
Like, 30 seconds, I'd time it.

628
00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:08,403
But then as the nights went on, I got,
like, a week into this mental practice,

629
00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:11,823
eventually, it became, like,
a gross ego thing for myself.

630
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:14,826
By, like, night six,
I was, like, smashing through the glass.

631
00:33:14,909 --> 00:33:16,244
I got the pedophile in a headlock.

632
00:33:16,327 --> 00:33:18,496
I'm making out
with the kid's mom out the window.

633
00:33:20,873 --> 00:33:23,042
Little kid's like,
"Mister, your muscles are really big."

634
00:33:23,126 --> 00:33:25,169
I'm like, "Yeah, you fucking like this?"

635
00:33:26,504 --> 00:33:29,590
My dick falls out of my shorts.
I'm like, "Not again, son of a bitch!"

636
00:33:29,674 --> 00:33:31,801
"I hate when that happens."

637
00:33:34,929 --> 00:33:36,264
But you know what happened to me?

638
00:33:36,347 --> 00:33:38,349
It was actually… I kind of deserve this.

639
00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:41,394
One night, I fell asleep.
I was so tired, I passed out.

640
00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:44,689
And I had the dream, I had the same dream,
but I wasn't in control of it.

641
00:33:44,772 --> 00:33:47,442
And you know in dreams
when, like, you try to punch,

642
00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:49,402
but your arms are just like noodles?

643
00:33:49,485 --> 00:33:53,072
That happened to me, and that night,
that pedophile just beat my ass.

644
00:33:54,365 --> 00:33:55,408
For hours.

645
00:33:55,908 --> 00:33:58,911
I felt bad. All I could do was look
at the kid, like, "Life's tough, buddy."

646
00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:00,663
"I don't know what to tell you."

647
00:34:01,831 --> 00:34:02,957
"You'll see."

648
00:34:04,167 --> 00:34:06,669
No, I ended up in the dream
freeing the kid, believe it or not.

649
00:34:06,753 --> 00:34:10,131
I had no hands, so, you know,
I had to blow the pedophile to completion.

650
00:34:11,758 --> 00:34:13,092
By any means, man.

651
00:34:13,801 --> 00:34:14,927
Save the kid.

652
00:34:19,098 --> 00:34:22,143
No, that'd be…
that'd be a crazy Clint Eastwood movie.

653
00:34:22,643 --> 00:34:24,937
That was his last… his magnum opus.

654
00:34:25,021 --> 00:34:27,273
Clint Eastwood just walking around
with that tough scowl

655
00:34:27,356 --> 00:34:28,941
through, like, a recess yard.

656
00:34:29,525 --> 00:34:31,527
Dodgeball tumbles by.

657
00:34:32,028 --> 00:34:33,237
High noon, he just walks up,

658
00:34:33,321 --> 00:34:35,865
like, "How about you suck
on someone your own size?"

659
00:34:39,368 --> 00:34:41,537
No, I'm bringing up
the pedophile stuff on purpose.

660
00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:43,581
I'm just… I'm doing that
just to demonstrate…

661
00:34:43,664 --> 00:34:46,834
Like, look, there's horrible stuff
in the world. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

662
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:48,878
There's horrible stuff
happening all the time.

663
00:34:48,961 --> 00:34:51,214
I feel like it's up to you
as an individual

664
00:34:51,297 --> 00:34:53,841
to, like, find something you love
that brings you joy

665
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:55,468
and just get into that every day.

666
00:34:55,551 --> 00:34:58,679
Don't get lost in all the negative news
coming from every side.

667
00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:00,515
Even, like, little shit.
You know what I like?

668
00:35:00,598 --> 00:35:03,392
People laugh at me.
I like those Lime scooters, man.

669
00:35:03,976 --> 00:35:05,603
Dude, there's so much engineering goes

670
00:35:05,686 --> 00:35:08,022
into each and every one
of those scooters, it's crazy.

671
00:35:08,106 --> 00:35:10,566
Every one of those Lime scooters…
I don't know if you know this.

672
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:13,736
Every single Lime scooter,
and I've tested this out,

673
00:35:13,820 --> 00:35:16,614
is a little bit faster
than every homeless person ever.

674
00:35:18,157 --> 00:35:19,033
Come on.

675
00:35:19,867 --> 00:35:22,745
Dude, I feel like a king on those things.
I'm riding around.

676
00:35:22,829 --> 00:35:24,122
People are asking me for stuff.

677
00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:26,207
I'm like, "Sorry,
we don't carry cash in the future."

678
00:35:30,002 --> 00:35:31,504
Let's bunny-hop them. Tsh-tsh!

679
00:35:33,464 --> 00:35:35,716
No, I feel bad.
I feel bad for homeless people. I do.

680
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:38,344
It's just a weird…
Homelessness is a weird problem.

681
00:35:38,427 --> 00:35:40,763
You just have these guys
that are just outside.

682
00:35:41,264 --> 00:35:44,100
That's the issue.
These guys are outside and I feel bad.

683
00:35:44,183 --> 00:35:47,937
And then they lay down, and I'm like,
"You're being a drama queen. Come on."

684
00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:50,356
"I get it, it's tough,
but just stand the fuck up."

685
00:35:50,439 --> 00:35:52,608
"Let's not… Let's not get ridiculous."

686
00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:57,154
I feel bad for them. And nobody knows
what to do. That's the worst part.

687
00:35:57,238 --> 00:35:59,907
Like, it's a…
like, a very apparent problem.

688
00:35:59,991 --> 00:36:02,451
Like, even the highest offices
of Washington, D.C.

689
00:36:02,535 --> 00:36:04,245
are, like, scratching their heads.

690
00:36:04,328 --> 00:36:06,038
Like, the best solution I've heard…

691
00:36:06,122 --> 00:36:07,915
I've heard people say
we should take the malls,

692
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:10,001
now that they're, like, old
and nobody wants them,

693
00:36:10,084 --> 00:36:13,462
and just put homeless people in there,
turn them into, like, a homeless place,

694
00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:15,882
which is like, "That's not a bad plan.
What's phase two?"

695
00:36:15,965 --> 00:36:17,341
And they're like, "I don't know."

696
00:36:18,634 --> 00:36:21,220
"You just wanna lock 'em in a building,
that's your plan?"

697
00:36:21,721 --> 00:36:23,514
"We have that, it's called jail."

698
00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:27,351
"We turn the white ones into Nazis.
Nothing's perfect, but you know…"

699
00:36:29,103 --> 00:36:32,440
My thing is, I feel like the term
"homelessness" is the problem.

700
00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:35,818
Homelessness implies
that it's a purely physical situation.

701
00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:39,238
Like, they'd have you believe
that the problem is, at its root,

702
00:36:39,322 --> 00:36:41,699
that we had these guys that were inside,

703
00:36:42,408 --> 00:36:44,076
and now they're outside.

704
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:47,455
And if we could just get them back inside…

705
00:36:48,456 --> 00:36:51,417
Stubborn little suckers they are,
I'll tell you, man.

706
00:36:52,335 --> 00:36:53,753
And we're good.

707
00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:57,924
Maybe that's the case for some of 'em.
They're outside, you get 'em back inside.

708
00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:01,886
They're like, "Oh, yeah,
I remember inside. This place is chill."

709
00:37:02,386 --> 00:37:04,055
"I could totally do this again."

710
00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:07,475
But then there's
the real deal homeless people.

711
00:37:07,558 --> 00:37:09,852
And their problem is not so much
that they're outside.

712
00:37:09,936 --> 00:37:12,146
It's that they're always going…

713
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:13,481
"Whoa!"

714
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:14,815
"Sir! Sh!"

715
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:18,653
"I'm trying to get you in the mall, dude.
What are you doing?"

716
00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:22,114
"What, are you crazy or something?"

717
00:37:23,532 --> 00:37:26,452
I don't know, man. Maybe the mall's
the move, if you think about it.

718
00:37:26,953 --> 00:37:29,872
For real, man, we're giving all these jobs
to these fake plastic mannequins.

719
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:30,790
It's like…

720
00:37:30,873 --> 00:37:32,500
What if?

721
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:37,505
Imagine walking past the Foot Locker,
there's four dudes in the window just…

722
00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:47,473
That would catch your eye.

723
00:37:47,556 --> 00:37:50,226
You'd be like, "Goddamn, those sweatpants
look comfortable as hell."

724
00:37:52,561 --> 00:37:55,022
"What kind of fabric lets you sleep
standing up? I like that."

725
00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:59,860
"Must be that new Lycra stuff
or whatever the hell that shit's called."

726
00:38:02,071 --> 00:38:04,573
I'll be honest, I worry
about the homeless people a little bit.

727
00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:08,077
But I'm a dad. I worry about my kids.
That's the thing I worry about the most.

728
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:10,579
I'm worried about kids in general
with the iPads.

729
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:13,833
Just like, there's kids five hours a day
facing a fucking iPad.

730
00:38:13,916 --> 00:38:17,586
I'm always, like, wondering, like,
"Dude, what if ten years from now we learn

731
00:38:17,670 --> 00:38:21,507
that, like, looking at the iPad all day
is just as bad as hitting kids?"

732
00:38:21,590 --> 00:38:23,342
You know what I mean?

733
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:26,595
Then it's like, "Dude, we could have been
hitting these kids the whole time."

734
00:38:29,849 --> 00:38:32,852
iPads are expensive, man.
They're, like, 450 bucks.

735
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:36,522
I want to hit my kids so bad.

736
00:38:36,605 --> 00:38:37,857
You guys have no idea.

737
00:38:38,899 --> 00:38:40,943
Know how easy that would make my life?

738
00:38:41,527 --> 00:38:42,820
It would be so easy.

739
00:38:42,903 --> 00:38:45,614
Like, a huge chunk of having…
I have a three and a five-year-old.

740
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:49,035
A huge chunk of having little kids
is just being late

741
00:38:49,118 --> 00:38:52,038
and having annoying conversations
that make you later.

742
00:38:52,538 --> 00:38:54,123
We'll be 15 minutes late for school.

743
00:38:54,206 --> 00:38:56,917
They'll be like,
"Dad, why do we have to wear pants?"

744
00:38:58,419 --> 00:39:01,380
"Because I'll go to jail.
I don't know. Just put them on."

745
00:39:01,881 --> 00:39:04,800
When all I have to really do is be like,
"Pants, let me think. Here's why."

746
00:39:04,884 --> 00:39:05,926
"Yeah!"

747
00:39:09,597 --> 00:39:11,557
Hit 'em into each other
like billiard balls. Just…

748
00:39:16,771 --> 00:39:19,648
Clap it up if you think we should hit kids
a little bit. I'm just curious.

749
00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:21,275
Okay.

750
00:39:24,236 --> 00:39:26,155
Whistling's a bit much. That's…

751
00:39:30,701 --> 00:39:31,952
Whoo!

752
00:39:32,828 --> 00:39:33,788
Finally.

753
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:38,584
I don't know. Look, I get it.
I don't think it's crazy.

754
00:39:38,667 --> 00:39:41,921
I wouldn't judge you guys. I don't hit
my kids, but whatever you guys gotta do.

755
00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:46,175
For me, the thing about hitting kids
that's weird to me,

756
00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:47,718
it's, like, a logical hang-up.

757
00:39:47,802 --> 00:39:50,888
My thing is, if you can hit kids,
which a lot of you are passionate about…

758
00:39:52,556 --> 00:39:53,766
Yeah, whatever.

759
00:39:54,266 --> 00:39:56,102
My thing is, if you can hit kids,

760
00:39:56,185 --> 00:39:58,729
by that logic,
you should at least be able to push women.

761
00:39:58,813 --> 00:40:00,981
That's all I'm saying.

762
00:40:01,649 --> 00:40:04,026
You're telling me I can beat the shit
out of someone this big.

763
00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:06,153
Half the room's like,
"Kick their fucking ass."

764
00:40:07,321 --> 00:40:09,073
But if someone yea high's in my face,

765
00:40:09,156 --> 00:40:10,908
like, "The sponge doesn't belong
in the sink,"

766
00:40:10,991 --> 00:40:12,993
I can't be like,
"All right, back the fuck up."

767
00:40:15,454 --> 00:40:17,706
"Enough about this fucking sponge, lady."

768
00:40:19,333 --> 00:40:22,586
"I don't care how it smells.
Just shut up about it."

769
00:40:26,465 --> 00:40:28,551
I'm just sick of grandparents,
all these older people,

770
00:40:28,634 --> 00:40:31,846
they try to tell you, "You don't know
how easy you have it. We had ten kids."

771
00:40:31,929 --> 00:40:33,973
It's like, "Dude, shut the fuck up."

772
00:40:34,473 --> 00:40:36,517
Seriously, all these older people,
"We had ten kids."

773
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:38,477
It's like, "Yeah, you beat
the shit out of them."

774
00:40:39,478 --> 00:40:42,273
You know how easy that would be?
Give me 14 kids.

775
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:45,276
If I could walk in every day
like Darth Vader, just…

776
00:40:54,702 --> 00:40:56,954
You see a baby,
just squash it like a bug on the ground.

777
00:40:57,037 --> 00:41:00,708
Like, "Ew, who the hell let that
in the house? Shut the back door."

778
00:41:00,791 --> 00:41:02,209
"Come on."

779
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,673
You lay in your bed.
Your whole house is crying.

780
00:41:09,425 --> 00:41:11,635
Just chilling. You're like,
"Oh, what a day!"

781
00:41:14,471 --> 00:41:17,600
Your wife's hyping you up.
She's like, "You're such a great father."

782
00:41:19,602 --> 00:41:20,686
"I know."

783
00:41:22,229 --> 00:41:25,733
"Now, how about you shut the hell up
and let a man sleep? God dammit!"

784
00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:30,654
Then you die and the whole town's like,
"He was a great man."

785
00:41:31,697 --> 00:41:33,491
"An honorable fellow."

786
00:41:35,576 --> 00:41:37,077
Having kids is hard, man.

787
00:41:37,161 --> 00:41:40,289
It's hard because, like,
you love your kids so much.

788
00:41:40,372 --> 00:41:42,833
And, like, they're always pissing you off,

789
00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:45,753
which just sets up a cycle where, like,
you love them, they piss you off,

790
00:41:45,836 --> 00:41:47,421
then you disappoint them, they get sad.

791
00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:50,633
You just feel horrible. I do it
all the time, man. You're always tired.

792
00:41:50,716 --> 00:41:53,636
I was with my five-year-old daughter
recently. We were walking at nighttime.

793
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:55,804
We were out too late.
I'm trying to get her home.

794
00:41:55,888 --> 00:41:57,348
She's just taking forever walking.

795
00:41:57,431 --> 00:41:59,767
I'm like, "Will you hurry the fuck up?
Come on."

796
00:42:00,267 --> 00:42:01,268
You gotta keep it cool.

797
00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:05,105
And then she just stopped mid-walk,
and she was like, "Daddy, look, the moon."

798
00:42:05,189 --> 00:42:07,650
It should've been a good moment,
but my first reaction was like,

799
00:42:07,733 --> 00:42:11,570
"You don't even like the moon, you're
so fucking fake. Come on. Let's go."

800
00:42:11,654 --> 00:42:12,571
"Shut up."

801
00:42:17,952 --> 00:42:20,246
I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my kids.

802
00:42:20,329 --> 00:42:21,872
We always do the same stuff together

803
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:24,208
and we're having
two totally different experiences.

804
00:42:24,291 --> 00:42:25,334
They're having a ball.

805
00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:28,087
I'm just on the outside of it
all the time, just paying for it all.

806
00:42:29,463 --> 00:42:31,882
It sucks. We do the same thing,
totally different experiences.

807
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:34,468
Watch TV together.
We'll watch, like, Ms. Rachel.

808
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:36,804
Dude, totally different planes
of existence.

809
00:42:36,887 --> 00:42:37,930
My daughters are watching.

810
00:42:38,013 --> 00:42:39,848
They're like,
"Daddy, look, a purple triangle."

811
00:42:39,932 --> 00:42:42,434
I'm like, "Be quiet. I heard a rumor
her nipples are pierced."

812
00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:43,936
"I'm trying to see if it's true."

813
00:42:52,820 --> 00:42:53,988
Yep.

814
00:42:55,155 --> 00:42:58,033
Thinks she can hide those big fat titties
in those overalls.

815
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:00,619
Not from me.

816
00:43:03,455 --> 00:43:05,833
After a while, I'll be like,
"You girls go look at the moon."

817
00:43:05,916 --> 00:43:07,042
"Go look at the moon."

818
00:43:08,294 --> 00:43:11,005
"Daddy's gonna watch Ms. Rachel
by himself."

819
00:43:12,381 --> 00:43:14,383
I remember being a kid. I loved it, man.

820
00:43:14,466 --> 00:43:18,095
When you're a kid, you're just like
this innocent… just a ball of flesh,

821
00:43:18,178 --> 00:43:21,515
just totally shamelessly
enjoying yourself all the time.

822
00:43:21,598 --> 00:43:24,435
When I was a little kid, I would lay
on my stomach, eating pizza,

823
00:43:24,518 --> 00:43:26,312
watching TV in front of my whole family,

824
00:43:26,395 --> 00:43:29,023
and just jam my dick into the floor.

825
00:43:30,232 --> 00:43:33,277
No concern. I'd be like…

826
00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:35,529
Mom would be like, "Are you all right?"

827
00:43:35,613 --> 00:43:38,574
I'd be like, "Yeah, I'm
really comfortable. Thanks, Mom."

828
00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:41,869
Any question that came to my head
would get answered.

829
00:43:41,952 --> 00:43:43,662
I'd be like,
"Mom, what happens when we die?"

830
00:43:43,746 --> 00:43:45,664
"You go to heaven
with God and your grandparents."

831
00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:49,043
I'm like, "Yeah, I knew that."

832
00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:54,798
Now I just have kids. And I was like,
"Damn, I didn't know this was this hard."

833
00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:57,009
It's so hard, man, like…

834
00:43:57,092 --> 00:43:59,219
And here's the thing, like,
'cause you love your kids,

835
00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:02,389
but then you do stuff with them
and you're like, "This kind of sucks."

836
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:05,434
It hurts to think that.

837
00:44:05,934 --> 00:44:08,812
I brought my kids to the beach
for the first time and I love the beach.

838
00:44:08,896 --> 00:44:10,105
The beach is my favorite place.

839
00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:13,025
And I'm like, "All right, I got
my favorite people at my favorite place."

840
00:44:13,108 --> 00:44:14,109
"What can go wrong?"

841
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:17,196
And then I got to the beach
and I was like,

842
00:44:17,279 --> 00:44:19,490
"I'm just babysitting
in a more challenging terrain."

843
00:44:19,573 --> 00:44:20,574
"This sucks."

844
00:44:22,910 --> 00:44:24,578
Did you ever bring little kids
to the beach?

845
00:44:24,662 --> 00:44:26,497
They try to die the whole time.

846
00:44:28,123 --> 00:44:30,626
And the ocean doesn't help.
The ocean's like, "Give me your kids."

847
00:44:32,544 --> 00:44:33,587
"No!"

848
00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:38,384
Nobody's looking. You're like,
"Fuck it, take one of them. You guys…"

849
00:44:41,095 --> 00:44:42,262
Yeah, man, it's tough.

850
00:44:42,346 --> 00:44:44,765
I try to tell people who are dating,
younger dating couples.

851
00:44:44,848 --> 00:44:47,935
Like, I don't like to bog you guys down
with this shit, but like…

852
00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:52,648
God, man, you are running into a wall
a thousand miles an hour.

853
00:44:52,731 --> 00:44:55,567
You have no idea. Every young couple
dating, you see them out.

854
00:44:55,651 --> 00:44:57,194
It's like, young people dating,

855
00:44:57,277 --> 00:44:59,405
it's like two egos rubbing
against each other.

856
00:44:59,488 --> 00:45:01,824
It's like, "And then my dreams
will come true."

857
00:45:01,907 --> 00:45:03,701
"And then your dreams will come true."

858
00:45:05,285 --> 00:45:06,370
"It's amazing!"

859
00:45:06,453 --> 00:45:07,955
Meanwhile, you know what marriage is?

860
00:45:08,038 --> 00:45:09,915
Marriage is two people
looking at each other,

861
00:45:09,998 --> 00:45:11,625
going, "You're a piece of shit."

862
00:45:13,585 --> 00:45:15,379
Both realizing the other person's right

863
00:45:15,462 --> 00:45:17,256
and going, "I love you.
Let's die together."

864
00:45:19,299 --> 00:45:22,136
"Let's set up this 401(k)
and just get fat as hell."

865
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:26,932
It's a beautiful thing.
Marriage is a sacrament, man.

866
00:45:27,474 --> 00:45:30,978
Not to be taken lightly.
It's a vehicle to transcend the self.

867
00:45:31,478 --> 00:45:33,939
Every couple I know, I'm like,
"How are you preparing for that?"

868
00:45:34,022 --> 00:45:37,401
They're like, "We just had paella
last night. It was pretty interesting."

869
00:45:37,901 --> 00:45:40,195
"You're not gonna eat paella
when you're married."

870
00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:42,740
You know what you eat
when you're married? Chicken breast.

871
00:45:45,075 --> 00:45:45,993
It's true.

872
00:45:46,076 --> 00:45:49,163
You eat chicken breast
every day for the rest of your life.

873
00:45:49,246 --> 00:45:50,998
Every day's the same.

874
00:45:51,081 --> 00:45:53,125
I wake up, I text my wife,
"Hey, just so you know,

875
00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:54,543
my life's harder than your life."

876
00:45:54,626 --> 00:45:56,003
"Shut the fuck up about it."

877
00:45:57,004 --> 00:45:59,757
She's like, "You're like living
with a child. It's so embarrassing."

878
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:02,759
I'm like, "You've been on your period
for two weeks. Call a doctor. Ew!"

879
00:46:07,097 --> 00:46:08,682
I crush her every time.

880
00:46:10,684 --> 00:46:11,894
Never worth it.

881
00:46:12,895 --> 00:46:16,023
Every day at 4:30, I'm like,
"Fuck, why did I say all that stuff?"

882
00:46:17,483 --> 00:46:18,859
"Gotta send the peacemaker text."

883
00:46:18,942 --> 00:46:23,447
I'm like, "Hey, got a little crazy
this morning. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

884
00:46:23,530 --> 00:46:24,656
"Love you, babe."

885
00:46:26,325 --> 00:46:27,951
"What's for dinner?" "Chicken breast."

886
00:46:28,035 --> 00:46:30,579
"You never fucking touch me,
I swear to fucking God!"

887
00:46:30,662 --> 00:46:32,372
"Fuck!"

888
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,669
Yeah, my wife's mad right now.
We never went on a honeymoon.

889
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:39,296
She's like, "You owe me a honeymoon."

890
00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:41,673
But we had kids together
before we got married.

891
00:46:41,757 --> 00:46:45,219
So from my perspective, it's like,
"Hey, I hear you, but you fucked up."

892
00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:46,553
"That's not my problem."

893
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:49,807
"Should have been more careful."

894
00:46:53,519 --> 00:46:55,896
No, I'm gonna take my wife
on a honeymoon. I am.

895
00:46:55,979 --> 00:46:58,524
I'm gonna take my wife
on a surprise honeymoon to Saudi Arabia.

896
00:46:58,607 --> 00:46:59,900
That's where we're gonna go.

897
00:47:01,693 --> 00:47:04,029
Just straighten her ass out
once and for all.

898
00:47:05,155 --> 00:47:07,908
Huge surprise. Blindfold on her.

899
00:47:08,408 --> 00:47:10,327
Hops off the plane. She's doing her shit.

900
00:47:10,410 --> 00:47:14,039
She's like, "This place is too hot.
This is why you can't plan anything."

901
00:47:14,122 --> 00:47:15,958
Some dude comes out
from behind a fruit stall.

902
00:47:16,041 --> 00:47:18,418
"She cannot talk to you like that."

903
00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:20,754
"Not here!"

904
00:47:22,005 --> 00:47:23,882
I'm like, "Yeah, go talk to her.
Go tell her."

905
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:28,178
Picks up a rock. I'm like,
"No, no, no, no! Whoa, whoa, sir!"

906
00:47:29,513 --> 00:47:31,098
"Tag her in the gut. Just a little…"

907
00:47:32,516 --> 00:47:35,644
"Just get in her face. Like, a little
scared-straight action. Just scare her."

908
00:47:36,937 --> 00:47:38,730
My wife's tough, man.
My wife's a tough lady.

909
00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:40,941
She really is.
My wife's from the South Side of Chicago.

910
00:47:41,024 --> 00:47:43,443
Did I tell you I have a Black wife?
I don't know if I told you.

911
00:47:45,696 --> 00:47:48,740
From the South Side of Chicago.
South Side of Chicago is cool, by the way.

912
00:47:48,824 --> 00:47:51,410
It definitely kind of like
took me by surprise a little bit.

913
00:47:51,493 --> 00:47:53,954
Here's the thing, like,
because I lived in Philly for years.

914
00:47:54,037 --> 00:47:58,166
And Philly's, like, a racially mixed city.
It's a big city, but it's pretty mixed.

915
00:47:58,250 --> 00:48:00,586
And I just assumed
Chicago would be the same way.

916
00:48:00,669 --> 00:48:03,255
And then I went to the South Side
of Chicago. I had to look it up.

917
00:48:03,338 --> 00:48:07,134
It's 99.9% Black,
which I have no problems with.

918
00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:11,138
My problem is,
I think it might be 100% Black.

919
00:48:14,266 --> 00:48:17,561
I think they're fudging the numbers
and someone needs to come clean.

920
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:22,900
I thought I'd at least see a fraction
of a white guy while I was there.

921
00:48:24,818 --> 00:48:26,153
And I like when I go there,

922
00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:29,406
but at first, my wife's family were,
like, too protective of me almost.

923
00:48:29,489 --> 00:48:31,908
It was emasculating.
They're like, "Stay inside with us."

924
00:48:31,992 --> 00:48:33,869
"Don't go outside by yourself."

925
00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:37,748
And one day, I just spazzed. I was like,
"I'll go outside right fucking now."

926
00:48:38,415 --> 00:48:41,460
It was like a purely white spaz.
I was like, "I'm going for a jog."

927
00:48:41,543 --> 00:48:43,462
And they're like, "No, don't, please."

928
00:48:43,545 --> 00:48:45,339
"Anything but that."

929
00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:49,217
"Anything but zone two cardio.
Don't do that."

930
00:48:51,178 --> 00:48:53,972
And I was like, "You guys should have
some more faith in this place."

931
00:48:54,056 --> 00:48:56,892
And I went for a mile-and-a-half run
on the South Side of Chicago.

932
00:48:56,975 --> 00:48:58,727
I got back.
My wife's family were really nice.

933
00:48:58,810 --> 00:49:01,063
"How was your run?"
I checked my time on my Apple Watch.

934
00:49:01,146 --> 00:49:03,106
I was like,
"Damn, I smashed all my records."

935
00:49:07,069 --> 00:49:08,236
Didn't feel good.

936
00:49:10,906 --> 00:49:14,409
Nobody cares. Interracial relationships,
no one cares. That's a good thing.

937
00:49:14,493 --> 00:49:18,455
But I will say once you have kids,
then you have interracial grandparents.

938
00:49:18,538 --> 00:49:19,706
That can be a little tricky.

939
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:23,043
'Cause, you know, they're not used
to team-building projects as much yet.

940
00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:26,463
Like, dude, like,
my mother-in-law, sweet lady.

941
00:49:26,546 --> 00:49:30,258
Like, she's said enough things to lead me
to believe that she might be worried

942
00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:32,469
that her grandkids are gonna be,
like, "too white."

943
00:49:32,552 --> 00:49:34,596
And then my wife gets mad at me
for some reason.

944
00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:37,224
She's like, "That's disrespectful to you.
Say something to her."

945
00:49:37,307 --> 00:49:39,518
I'm like, "I am never going
to say anything."

946
00:49:40,602 --> 00:49:42,688
"What are you doing?"

947
00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:44,815
And then I try
to make my wife feel better.

948
00:49:44,898 --> 00:49:48,151
I'm like, "Look, I'm sure
my mom is, like, wondering the same,

949
00:49:48,235 --> 00:49:50,070
like a parallel set of concerns."

950
00:49:52,739 --> 00:49:54,449
My wife's like,
"What are you talking about?"

951
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:57,703
I'm like, "We'll just make these kids
Black as hell. Forget what I said."

952
00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:02,290
"I'll stop wearing
orthopedic running shoes if I have to."

953
00:50:02,374 --> 00:50:04,918
"We'll figure this out. It's a family."

954
00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:09,589
The race stuff's whatever.
My main problem right now is gender stuff.

955
00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:11,967
I'm in a house with pretty much all women.

956
00:50:12,050 --> 00:50:14,094
It's… I have a wife, two daughters.

957
00:50:14,177 --> 00:50:15,679
I have a boy dog, thank God.

958
00:50:16,888 --> 00:50:18,557
I just grab his dick every chance I get.

959
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:19,474
I just…

960
00:50:21,643 --> 00:50:23,562
Just honk him every morning.

961
00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:26,565
"That's guy stuff. Watch out."

962
00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,987
Nah, I don't grab my dog's dick.
I'm kidding around.

963
00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:35,699
My kids actually do that.
It's a problem in our house.

964
00:50:36,700 --> 00:50:38,201
Like, "We're rubbing his belly."

965
00:50:38,285 --> 00:50:40,370
I'm like, "His eyes
are rolling back, all right?"

966
00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:42,622
"Move up."

967
00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:48,462
No, but I'm fucking around.
The real thing is like…

968
00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:51,423
Right now, I'm trying
to understand my wife better

969
00:50:51,506 --> 00:50:53,842
so I can understand my daughters better
when they get older.

970
00:50:53,925 --> 00:50:55,427
And I'm making a real effort, man.

971
00:50:55,510 --> 00:50:57,512
Just like those little things
that, like, women do.

972
00:50:57,596 --> 00:51:00,640
A lot of times, you're like, "Yeah,
whatever." I'm trying to understand, like…

973
00:51:00,724 --> 00:51:03,226
Like the classic ones.
My wife takes forever to get ready.

974
00:51:03,310 --> 00:51:06,104
Before, I would follow her
around the house, trying to help her out.

975
00:51:06,188 --> 00:51:07,647
Like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

976
00:51:08,690 --> 00:51:12,694
"Put on some pants, you fucking psycho.
Come on, we're gonna be late."

977
00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:14,738
Just trying to be a good husband.

978
00:51:14,821 --> 00:51:16,490
Then one day, she snapped.

979
00:51:16,573 --> 00:51:18,992
She was like, "You'll never understand
what I'm dealing with."

980
00:51:19,076 --> 00:51:21,787
"Just go away from me right now."
And I said, "You know what?"

981
00:51:21,870 --> 00:51:24,456
"There's gotta be some piece
to your experience I'm missing."

982
00:51:24,539 --> 00:51:27,125
"Take your time getting ready.
I'm gonna figure out what that is."

983
00:51:27,209 --> 00:51:30,462
Dude, as soon as I opened my mind,
the answer came to me in a flash.

984
00:51:30,545 --> 00:51:33,423
I know why women take so long
to get ready. I can explain it right now.

985
00:51:33,507 --> 00:51:36,176
It's like… All right, guys,
you know we all have penises, right?

986
00:51:37,177 --> 00:51:40,639
You know we all have big fat dicks,
the exact same size and shape?

987
00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:44,684
How God made us
as brothers in that regard?

988
00:51:44,768 --> 00:51:45,852
Yeah!

989
00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:47,312
-Yeah!
-Exactly.

990
00:51:48,730 --> 00:51:49,856
No, but as a guy,

991
00:51:49,940 --> 00:51:53,401
90% of your physical anxiety
is bound up in your penis area.

992
00:51:53,485 --> 00:51:57,072
You get out of the shower, you look
at your dick, you're like, "Mother fuck…"

993
00:51:58,740 --> 00:52:02,160
Just check it like a bad poker hand.
You're like, "Son of a bitch!"

994
00:52:09,209 --> 00:52:12,295
Yeah, I'm gonna have to bluff my way
through this one.

995
00:52:14,047 --> 00:52:16,633
But then as a guy, you put on pants
and you're like, "I look great."

996
00:52:16,716 --> 00:52:18,468
"Where the fuck is my wife?"

997
00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:23,014
Women don't have that, so all that anxiety
gets spread across their whole bodies.

998
00:52:23,098 --> 00:52:26,017
Women's bodies are their penises.
You guys follow me?

999
00:52:27,227 --> 00:52:30,939
And they're out on display for everybody
to rank, judge, and compare all the time.

1000
00:52:31,022 --> 00:52:33,608
It's like, dude, imagine
if all your clothes showed the exact size

1001
00:52:33,692 --> 00:52:35,235
and shape of your flaccid penis.

1002
00:52:37,195 --> 00:52:40,574
We'd be in the mirror for hours, like,
"I hate my outfit, just go without me."

1003
00:52:40,657 --> 00:52:43,785
"I have nothing to wear!"

1004
00:52:46,037 --> 00:52:49,541
Your wife's on her phone, she's like,
"It looks huge. Hurry the fuck up!"

1005
00:52:53,211 --> 00:52:55,505
Just pop out of a pile of cargo shorts,

1006
00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:58,758
like, "Really, you think
it's long and fat? Crazy?"

1007
00:53:00,176 --> 00:53:03,763
She's gotta look you in the eye and be
like, "Yeah, it's fucking massive, man."

1008
00:53:03,847 --> 00:53:05,307
"Come on, let's go."

1009
00:53:05,932 --> 00:53:08,185
"I told you today,
it was huge when you woke up."

1010
00:53:10,270 --> 00:53:11,396
"Okay."

1011
00:53:12,522 --> 00:53:14,858
"Can you drive, please?"

1012
00:53:16,651 --> 00:53:19,279
And then on top of that,
I told you I have daughters.

1013
00:53:19,362 --> 00:53:22,407
My wife just expected
that I'd know how to maintain a vagina.

1014
00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:25,785
Just day two of having a kid,
she's like, "Your turn."

1015
00:53:25,869 --> 00:53:27,996
I'm like, "Can I shadow you
for a little bit here?"

1016
00:53:28,079 --> 00:53:29,873
"My turn?"

1017
00:53:31,291 --> 00:53:33,752
I'm not trying to be gross,
but every baby goes in their diaper,

1018
00:53:33,835 --> 00:53:35,212
but girls, like, it comes up.

1019
00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:38,423
Like, they don't have those mud flaps
to block all that action.

1020
00:53:40,592 --> 00:53:42,636
Imagine learning that by surprise.

1021
00:53:42,719 --> 00:53:44,429
I didn't know that.
You know how I found out?

1022
00:53:44,512 --> 00:53:45,764
One day, I picked up my daughter

1023
00:53:45,847 --> 00:53:48,099
and I was like,
"She shit her pussy, call the doctor!"

1024
00:53:48,183 --> 00:53:50,268
"What the fuck?!"

1025
00:53:56,358 --> 00:53:58,109
I got all paranoid looking at my wife,

1026
00:53:58,193 --> 00:54:00,695
like, "Does this happen to you
and you don't tell me? What the…?"

1027
00:54:02,572 --> 00:54:04,824
"Is this why we can't do stuff
all the time?"

1028
00:54:07,410 --> 00:54:10,580
Is this what you girls are always
whispering about in the bathroom?

1029
00:54:14,167 --> 00:54:16,795
My wife's barking orders. She's like,
"Front to back, back to front."

1030
00:54:16,878 --> 00:54:19,631
I'm like, "Dude, I've only ever seen these
in the dark before, right?"

1031
00:54:21,591 --> 00:54:24,511
"Can you help me out here? Hold up
a lava lamp or something? Come on."

1032
00:54:24,594 --> 00:54:25,762
Whoo!

1033
00:54:25,845 --> 00:54:29,849
And on top of that, like,
this is, like, a three-day-old person.

1034
00:54:30,475 --> 00:54:32,894
So I… I got to learn on a little tiny one.

1035
00:54:34,062 --> 00:54:36,648
It's like a little pussy Hot Wheels.
It's not even real.

1036
00:54:38,191 --> 00:54:42,320
I got a jeweler's loupe on 10X.
I'm like, "What the fuck, you know?"

1037
00:54:43,321 --> 00:54:45,240
"The detail's incredible on this."

1038
00:54:46,199 --> 00:54:47,867
"It's like a model village."

1039
00:54:50,578 --> 00:54:52,956
I know, and the worst part is,
I'm getting pretty good at it

1040
00:54:53,039 --> 00:54:54,749
and I don't know how to feel about that.

1041
00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:56,876
Just a weird skill set.

1042
00:54:57,377 --> 00:54:59,838
I don't do, like, T-shirts
or anything after the show,

1043
00:54:59,921 --> 00:55:01,965
but any women in the front,
I can shine you guys up.

1044
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,383
If you guys want a little buffer…

1045
00:55:04,551 --> 00:55:05,719
No problem.

1046
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:09,097
Not in a weird way.
Just think of me as your father doing it.

1047
00:55:09,180 --> 00:55:10,307
That's all I'm saying.

1048
00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:13,810
Come on, guys, be mature.

1049
00:55:17,230 --> 00:55:19,149
It's the nooks and crannies.

1050
00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:24,612
No, I'm fucking around.
I do want to say this.

1051
00:55:24,696 --> 00:55:26,656
You know, I was talking
about hitting kids,

1052
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:30,160
and just for the record,
I do want to hit my kids so bad.

1053
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:32,787
I'm not taking that back.
I want to hit them.

1054
00:55:32,871 --> 00:55:34,497
But I don't. I don't hit my kids.

1055
00:55:34,581 --> 00:55:36,708
If you hit your kids, I'm not judging you.

1056
00:55:36,791 --> 00:55:38,126
I'm actually kind of jealous.

1057
00:55:39,252 --> 00:55:40,211
I don't hit my kids.

1058
00:55:40,295 --> 00:55:42,505
What I do,
and I think it's just as effective,

1059
00:55:42,589 --> 00:55:44,215
I lie to my kids all the time.

1060
00:55:44,299 --> 00:55:45,717
I tell them scary lies.

1061
00:55:46,301 --> 00:55:49,137
And I think it works even better
because it hits that fear center

1062
00:55:49,220 --> 00:55:51,765
without you, like,
you know, punching them.

1063
00:55:52,265 --> 00:55:53,516
You can get the same result.

1064
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:57,604
I tell my kids, like, fucked-up, horrible,
scary things that I make up.

1065
00:55:57,687 --> 00:55:59,689
And you can tell a kid anything.

1066
00:55:59,773 --> 00:56:02,567
And they believe it 100% of the time.

1067
00:56:02,650 --> 00:56:05,653
You can say anything to a kid every time.
They're like, "Really?"

1068
00:56:07,197 --> 00:56:09,824
And in your head,
you're like, "Dumbass," but you have to…

1069
00:56:10,950 --> 00:56:12,660
You gotta mask your face and be like,

1070
00:56:12,744 --> 00:56:15,580
"Yeah, Santa Claus is gonna kill Mommy.
I'm trying to tell you."

1071
00:56:16,915 --> 00:56:19,667
"If you go to bed right now,
I'll see what I can do, all right?"

1072
00:56:21,336 --> 00:56:22,379
It works every time.

1073
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:25,215
The problem is, when you lie to your kids,
they never forget the lie.

1074
00:56:25,298 --> 00:56:27,884
And the lie always comes back
to get you eventually.

1075
00:56:27,967 --> 00:56:29,803
Usually, like, months down the line,

1076
00:56:29,886 --> 00:56:32,889
but then you just come up
with another lie, smooth that one over.

1077
00:56:32,972 --> 00:56:35,975
One day, when they're old enough,
you're like, "There's no Santa Claus."

1078
00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:38,853
"Me and your mother are getting a divorce.
Get the fuck out."

1079
00:56:39,854 --> 00:56:41,314
"Yeah, it's your fault. Sh!"

1080
00:56:43,691 --> 00:56:46,319
No, to give you an example,
so we're at the airport recently.

1081
00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:49,364
There's me, my wife,
the three-year-old, the five-year-old.

1082
00:56:49,447 --> 00:56:51,449
The five-year-old's being
a maniac, running around,

1083
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:53,284
smacking people in the head
in the terminal.

1084
00:56:53,368 --> 00:56:54,869
My wife's mad at me for some reason.

1085
00:56:54,953 --> 00:56:57,080
She's like, "Are you gonna do
something about that?"

1086
00:56:57,163 --> 00:56:59,374
"This is my fucking fault?
What the fuck…?"

1087
00:57:00,583 --> 00:57:01,918
And I do, I love my wife.

1088
00:57:02,001 --> 00:57:04,462
When we fly,
I don't know what it is about flying,

1089
00:57:04,546 --> 00:57:06,089
she turns into a different person.

1090
00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:08,842
She'll have this, like,
150-point checklist.

1091
00:57:08,925 --> 00:57:11,344
Always forgets one thing
and just takes it out on me.

1092
00:57:12,137 --> 00:57:13,096
We get through security.

1093
00:57:13,179 --> 00:57:16,057
She's like, "I forgot my phone charger,
magnetic strap case holder."

1094
00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:17,308
"Why didn't you remind me?"

1095
00:57:17,392 --> 00:57:20,019
It's like, "Will you shut the fuck up
about this checklist?"

1096
00:57:20,645 --> 00:57:23,982
I walk away. I'm like, "Fuck,
I forgot to wipe my ass. God dammit!"

1097
00:57:24,065 --> 00:57:25,775
"Shit!"

1098
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:28,987
"Son of a bitch!"

1099
00:57:30,738 --> 00:57:32,824
We're in the airport.
We're arguing. It's embarrassing.

1100
00:57:32,907 --> 00:57:34,159
We're having a hushed argument.

1101
00:57:34,242 --> 00:57:36,119
The middle of the argument,
my five-year-old saw…

1102
00:57:36,202 --> 00:57:38,288
You know the wheelchairs
at the airport for old people?

1103
00:57:38,371 --> 00:57:41,624
They put them in the wheelchair and just
kind of dump them in the plane like a…

1104
00:57:42,625 --> 00:57:44,586
It's like a wheelbarrow
full of mulch, just…

1105
00:57:45,628 --> 00:57:46,629
Load 'em up.

1106
00:57:47,422 --> 00:57:50,425
My five-year-old daughter saw
an empty wheelchair being pushed.

1107
00:57:50,508 --> 00:57:53,094
She didn't know what it was.
And she was like, "What's that?"

1108
00:57:53,178 --> 00:57:55,680
Mid-argument, my wife, like,
split an eye off.

1109
00:57:55,763 --> 00:57:57,515
"That's where they put kids
who don't listen."

1110
00:57:57,599 --> 00:58:00,685
"They put them in the wheelchair and take
them away from their families forever."

1111
00:58:02,437 --> 00:58:03,897
Then she looked at me, like, "Right?"

1112
00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:06,733
I'm like, "You want me to cosign
that crazy fucking bullshit?"

1113
00:58:08,985 --> 00:58:11,905
But you gotta be united fronts.
To be like, "Girls, your mother's right."

1114
00:58:11,988 --> 00:58:13,698
"We're gonna sell you
to the Mexican cartel

1115
00:58:13,781 --> 00:58:15,033
if you don't knock it off."

1116
00:58:16,743 --> 00:58:19,204
I have to give it to my wife.
It worked. It worked so well.

1117
00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:22,415
My daughters were, like, quiet
and respectful for the rest of the time.

1118
00:58:22,499 --> 00:58:24,751
They're holding my leg
getting onto the plane.

1119
00:58:24,834 --> 00:58:26,711
They're like, "Dad,
you won't let them take me?"

1120
00:58:26,794 --> 00:58:29,506
I was like, "I won't, but your mom will.
She's a fucking bitch."

1121
00:58:30,215 --> 00:58:33,343
"Actually, ask Mommy for one of the wipes
out of the diaper bag. Go."

1122
00:58:34,844 --> 00:58:35,929
"Say it's for you."

1123
00:58:40,099 --> 00:58:42,268
It was great, but like I said,
they never forget the lie,

1124
00:58:42,352 --> 00:58:44,312
and the lie always comes back to get you.

1125
00:58:44,395 --> 00:58:46,272
And in this case,
it was almost instantaneous.

1126
00:58:46,356 --> 00:58:49,359
We had, like, an hour-and-a-half flight,
real quick. We get off the plane.

1127
00:58:49,442 --> 00:58:51,277
My wife took the three-year-old
to the bathroom.

1128
00:58:51,361 --> 00:58:54,489
It's me and the five-year-old
just watching the plane deboard.

1129
00:58:54,572 --> 00:58:57,992
And halfway through that process,
a kid her age comes off

1130
00:58:58,826 --> 00:59:00,453
in a fucking wheelchair.

1131
00:59:02,497 --> 00:59:04,832
And I just watched my daughter go, "Oh!"

1132
00:59:07,627 --> 00:59:08,920
Dude, I didn't know what to do.

1133
00:59:09,003 --> 00:59:12,465
I covered her whole face and was like,
"Shut the fuck up. Don't move."

1134
00:59:13,466 --> 00:59:15,385
"Don't talk. Don't breathe."

1135
00:59:16,511 --> 00:59:18,888
"Oh, stop licking my hand. What the fuck?"

1136
00:59:21,474 --> 00:59:25,186
And she was terrified.
She was like, "Dad, he wasn't listening."

1137
00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:28,815
I didn't know what to do. I was like,
"That's the Governor of Texas."

1138
00:59:28,898 --> 00:59:30,900
"Come on, he's after your mom.
Have some respect."

1139
00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:32,819
You guys are awesome. Thank you so much.

1140
00:59:32,902 --> 00:59:35,238
Thank you. Have a good night.

1141
00:59:36,739 --> 00:59:37,573
Thank you.

1142
00:59:47,750 --> 00:59:49,002
Oh, fuck.

1143
00:59:52,755 --> 00:59:53,589
Sorry.
k.