[gentle harmonica music playing]
[man yawns]
[sighs]
Hey, babe. Come on, babe, seriously. Just a quick one.
Fuck off!
[man sighs]
["And When I Die" by Blood, Sweat & Tears playing]
♪ I'm not scared… ♪
[plate smashes]
♪ …Of dying and I don't really care ♪
♪ If it's peace you find in dying… ♪
[man 1 retches]
♪ Well, then, let the time be near… ♪
-[man 2] Oh shit! -[man 1] Oh! Oh! Oh!
Dude, I didn't see you there. I'm sorry. Oh! No, no. No, no. No, no!
-[groans] -God dammit, man!
♪ Way down there I hear that it's cold way down there ♪
♪ Yeah, crazy cold way down there ♪
♪ And when I die and when I'm gone… ♪
[man 1] Oh shit!
Son of a bitch!
♪ There'll be one child born in this world To carry on, to carry on… ♪
-[shouting] -[man 1] Whoa! No!
-[Taser zapping] -[man 1] Damn!
["And When I Die" continues playing]
[man 1] Oh shit!
Hey, guys. I'll give you 50 bucks for one of your bikes.
[groans loudly]
[gasps]
Give me your board!
[grunts] Sorry, dude.
♪ Here I go, ha! ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Here comes the devil ♪
♪ Right behind… ♪
[man 1] Oh! Watch out.
♪ Look out, children! Here he comes! ♪
[announcer] Give it up for Matt McCusker, everybody!
[cheering]
♪ Don't want to go by the devil ♪
♪ Don't want to go by the demon ♪
♪ Don't want to go by Satan ♪
♪ Don't want to die uneasy ♪
-Thank you. -[cheering continues]
Thank you, guys.
-[applause] -[audience member whoops]
Holy fuck, man.
Ontario, California.
-This… this place is the best, man. -[laughter]
Everyone told me, "Don't fucking film in Ontario, California."
[laughter]
They said, "Don't film in the land of the most giant Mexicans ever."
[laughter]
I don't know what they're feeding you guys here, man.
Must be that nixtalized masa.
[laughter]
A lot of beautiful couples here. That's nice.
I like to see the couples, man. You guys are important to me.
I come to these shows and it's like… I think about you guys afterwards.
I'm just alone, shivering in my bed.
[laughter]
"I wonder what that guy in the Hawaiian shirt is doing right now."
[laughter]
"Kissing and touching his girlfriend."
[laughter]
It is crazy. I've been married for so long.
I can't even wrap my head around the concept of a girlfriend anymore.
Does anyone here… Do you guys live together?
-Yeah. -[Matt] Okay, you guys live together.
Does anyone here have a girlfriend they don't live with?
Right there?
Yeah, that's… that's fucking crazy.
She just comes to your house and then leaves?
[laughter]
Like a hooker? That's…
[laughter]
That's nuts.
[laughter]
Living with a woman is crazy. Every man needs to do it, though.
It's good for a man. Every man needs that.
Like, a woman's critical gaze hovering over every aspect of your life.
Just following you around the house. Like, "What are you doing right now?"
[laughter]
After ten years, it wears you down, man.
Now, at the end of the day,
I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I just stand in my kitchen like a Tesla robot.
[laughter]
Until my wife walks by and she goes, "Go to bed."
I'm like, "My bad, you're right, sorry."
[laughter]
"Sorry I was awake. Yes, shouldn't have done that."
And then you gotta seduce your wife. Nobody tells you that when you're little.
You gotta seduce your wife.
When I was a little boy, and I carried this idea into my adulthood,
I just assumed that, like, once you got married, it was on tap.
[laughter]
Not the case.
When I was a little boy, I would get jealous of my uncles.
I'd see them out at parties.
I'm like, "They can have sex with my aunts whenever they want."
"That's so cool."
[laughter]
"Oh!" [chuckles]
I was young. I didn't know which ones were my dad's sisters.
All mixed up, I don't know.
[laughter]
-[Matt chuckles] -[laughter continues]
Yeah, it sucks, man.
Here's the thing. You gotta seduce your wife when you're married.
You gotta, like… You gotta come up with new tricks.
And after a while, it's just like… You just run out.
After ten years, I can take my best stuff,
my most surefire moves…
Nothing, man.
I'm talking high-level shit.
You know, like an ice-cold boner on her back in the middle of the night.
[laughter]
No effect.
[laughter]
It's like a fly landing on a horse's ass. She just twitches her muscle and…
[laughter]
It slips off.
And your wife, when you want to have sex with your wife,
like, that's the only person in the world you can have sex with.
And you'll come to them, and they're just like, "No."
[laughter]
It's not like we're at the grocery store.
I'm in the bread aisle, like, "Touch my dick. Quick, nobody's looking."
[laughter]
No, we're in bed. We're naked together.
At the end of the day, I'm like, "What if we combined our bodies
in mutual pleasure?"
[laughter]
"Remember our vows in front of our family? Wasn't that nice?"
[laughter]
"Should we have sex right now?"
[laughter]
Doesn't even bat an eyelash. She'll be like, "No!"
"Why would I do that with you?" I'm like, "Yeah, you're right. My bad."
-[laughter] -[Matt chuckles]
It hurts, man.
Your wife will just look you in the eye and be like, "Nah, it's not happening."
And honestly, I don't feel bad because, like, here's the thing.
We are… Like, women aren't as horny as guys. I hate to say it.
A lot of women are like, "We're horny." It's like, "Yeah, kind of, dude."
[laughter]
"Kind of."
Like, you guys, like, just don't care, man.
And it's like… I'll tell my wife, I'm like, "It's been six days."
Like she has any idea what I'm going through.
[laughter]
And she'll just laugh at me. She's like, "You're ridiculous."
If she has her period, I can't be like, "Dude, you've had it for half your life."
"Fucking figure it out."
[laughter]
I would never. Because I think periods hurt. I believe her.
I'm like, "That's got to be horrible, terrible and, you know, uncomfortable."
But to put it in perspective, all that pain from a period,
that's one egg.
That's coming from one egg.
Guys, we have 70 trillion sperm cells…
[laughter]
…just fighting to the death in our bodies.
Like, "Move us the fuck out of here now!"
Just like dudes hanging off a helicopter. Like, "Drop us, we're going in now. Go!"
[laughter]
[Matt chuckles]
No, man. It's tough.
It's tough, man. You know, I'm a horny guy. And, you know, it's like…
I love my wife to death. And it's like she just really doesn't have any idea.
I can tell by, like, the ideas she comes up with.
She came up to me recently and she was like, "We should do a couple's massage."
I thought it was something else.
I was like, "If you're ready for that, I'm down."
[laughter]
No, it's just a regular massage. It's even worse.
A couple's massage is you and your wife in the same room in two twin beds
like brother and sister, like…
[laughter]
And then your wife falls asleep in, like, four seconds.
Just passes out on the table and you're left alone
to have the most harrowing sexual experience of your life.
[laughter]
You're just laying there. There's a lady massaging oil into your butt cheeks.
You're harder than you've ever been.
Hands down.
They whisper to you. They gotta stop that. They're whispering in your ear.
Like, "How's the pressure?"
I'm like, "It's pretty good. I'm pushing all the way down." [grunts loudly]
[audience chuckling]
You guys realize the reason you're supposed…
The point of a massage…
You know what's supposed to happen? You're supposed to come.
-Believe it or not. -[laughter]
After a stranger rubs your body for an hour,
you're not supposed to pop up off the table
and be like, "Pleasure doing business with you. Thank you very much."
"Back to work I go."
[laughter]
Yeah, I'm a horny guy, but here's the thing.
I've never cheated on my wife and I never will cheat on my wife, man.
I'm happy about that. But that evil energy is still in my body all the time.
[laughter]
I would never fuck around with my wife,
but if I see an attractive lady getting into an elevator 40 feet ahead of me,
it's like, I'm only human, I'm gonna walk as fast as I can.
[laughter]
Just to get in the elevator with her and smell her and stuff.
[laughter]
I'm being honest.
[laughter]
But once I'm in there, I'll, like, I'll use my evil for good.
I'll start protecting her in there.
"You know, there's a lot of creeps and perverts out there, ma'am."
[laughter]
"I should know. I used to be one myself."
-[laughter] -[softly] Pow!
"If I could have one of your hairs as payment, that would be ideal."
[laughter]
"I'm gonna put it between my butt cheeks and take a walk later."
[laughs]
[audience laughing]
But the worst is when you just happen to get off on the same floor of the hotel.
That's when I feel really bad for the lady.
Because you get to the seventh floor and they get kind of cocky.
They're like, "Have a good night." You're like, "The night's not over."
-[laughs suggestively] -[audience laughter]
From her perspective.
And it's pure coincidence.
She's room 713
and you're, like, 402 at the Days Inn a couple miles down the street.
[laughter]
But you swore an oath to protect her.
[laughter]
So you shall.
It's tough, man. I'm a horny guy.
-I am. -[laughter]
I'm a horny guy living in the worst state for horny guys. I live in Texas.
You can't go on Pornhub in Texas.
You can, but you gotta show your ID to the government.
I had no idea. I moved there. I set down the last box.
I was like, "Finally, I can relax. My family's asleep."
[laughter]
Finally.
Just a long scroll of text.
Your governor actually made it
so you have to show your identification to go on Pornhub.
And I was furious. I was like, "Who the fuck is this governor?"
[laughter]
"I'm gonna beat this guy's ass."
Then I looked it up. Our governor's in a wheelchair. I didn't know that.
[laughter]
His name is Greg Abbott. He's in a wheelchair. I felt bad.
I had to delete a couple of tweets. I was like, "This is not a good look."
[laughter]
Can't threaten that guy.
The more I live there, though, I'm kind of like, I don't know,
I'm coming around to it.
It's an effective way to stop people from watching porn
because I don't want to watch it like that, I want to stop.
Like, that is a real firewall, having to use your ID to look at Pornhub.
Has anyone here actually showed their driver's license to go on Pornhub,
by a round of applause?
Yeah, not a single fucking person.
[laughter]
I don't know if you've ever been about to watch porn and masturbate,
and you had to stare at your own driver's license.
[laughter]
That's a real moment with yourself.
[laughter]
It's just you from two years ago and you're like, "I'm sorry, man."
-"I don't know what I'm doing." -[laughter]
I found a work-around, by the way.
If you're ever in Texas and you want to go on Pornhub,
I just use my wife's driver's license.
[laughter]
Party under her account for a couple hours.
[laughter]
That's my goal.
I want to go so hard this year that they suspend her driver's license.
[laughter]
Just to see if they're paying attention.
I want my wife to go to the DMV to renew,
and just have some old southern man be like, "What the hell?"
[laughter]
Greg Abbott wheels out, like, "Son of a gun! It's her. It's really her!"
"Quite the nocturnal creature, ain't ya?"
[laughter]
[Matt chuckles]
But no, I love my wife. My wife… my wife's a cool lady.
Love my wife to death. I don't know if you guys can tell by my swag.
I do have a Black wife. I'm not bragging. It's like…
-[cheering] -I don't know. Thank you. Look…
-[cheering, applause] -Uh…
It's kind of racist you guys are cheering, but I'll forgive that.
-[laughter] -[Matt chuckles]
You guys are freaking out. I don't even care. Honestly, I don't.
I will say as a white guy with a Black wife,
it is on the tip of your tongue all the time.
-You can't wait to tell people. -[laughter]
I'll be at the grocery store. "Sir, do you want us to bag for you?"
I'm like, "I have a Black wife. I don't know, whatever you do."
[laughter]
"Your call."
No, I don't even care. I swear to God, I don't give a fuck, man. I…
We've been together for so long.
You know, something like race, that just melts away after ten years.
Like, dude, I forget my wife's Black half the time. I swear to God.
There's mornings I wake up and I'm just like, "Jesus fucking Christ!"
[laughter]
"Oh, my love."
[laughter]
"You startled me there."
[laughter]
"Can we kiss? No. What the fuck?!"
[laughter]
I'm fucking around. The real difference is my wife is very extroverted and outgoing.
And I'm actually an introverted guy, believe it or not.
I can do stand-up for hundreds of people. It doesn't bother me.
But if my wife has, like, two of her friends at our house,
like, I can't do that for some reason.
I'll just sit there and watch my wife's friends for, like, 20 minutes.
[laughter]
And it's not my fault because women can be rude, man.
Women will come into your house and just talk shit right to your face.
[laughter]
I've met a couple of her friends for the first time.
They said the same thing to me. They go, "Oh, you do stand-up?"
"I could never see you doing that."
[laughter]
I wouldn't go into their house and meet their husband. "You're in sales?"
"You strike me as weak and ineffective."
[laughter]
"Beautiful home." [chuckles]
"Come on, girl."
So now I'm in my head like, "Who the fuck is this lady?"
My wife's in my ear like, "Say something. You're being rude."
"You haven't talked. It doesn't matter what you say."
I'm like, "Dude, it matters what I say right now."
You can't be on the edge of a convo
and just out of nowhere be like, "Fuck it, I saw a dead turtle today. Uh…"
-[laughter] -"Uh…"
"Ah, fuck, they didn't even hear me."
"All right, let's do it again from the top."
But yeah, my wife's one of those people, like,
she'll talk about anything in front of anybody,
and I don't like that, man.
We were out together recently and she turned to me,
and she was like, "I think you have social anxiety."
I'm like, "Dude, we're at a party. Shut the fuck up!"
-[laughter] -"What are you doing?"
"I'm fine as long as I eat a tortilla chip every 37 seconds. I'm good."
[laughter]
"I don't need you telling everyone I have fucking party aids
or whatever you're making up."
-[laughter] -"Jesus!"
I have a trick at parties.
If I'm uncomfortable at a party,
I try to find someone at the party a little more awkward than myself.
Then in my head… This is the key, you gotta do it silently.
In my head, I go, "Look at that fucking loser, what a piece of shit."
[laughter]
And then I talk to that person all night.
[laughter]
I was at a party recently,
and, you know, I was just, like, doing this weird little thing I do.
And I just so happened… Nothing to do with her, you know, lifestyle or whatever.
I just so happened to, like, just, like, lock in on this lesbian lady.
And it was nothing… You know, it was just what she was doing drew my attention.
She was arguing with her father at a party, which was crazy.
I don't know what they're arguing about, probably the family business,
if I had to guess, I don't know.
"I can run the mill, Dad. Give me the goddamn chance."
I… I don't know. "Don't undermine me in front of the guys, you motherfucker."
[laughter]
But what happened was, she got in her dad's face at a party
and was like, "Fuck you," and stormed out of the party.
And I was like, "That's crazy." That was a revelation for me.
I was like, "That's being bad at parties. My wife's right. I'm just in my head."
"It doesn't matter what I say."
"Next conversation I see, I'm jumping in, no questions asked."
And I walked up and I saw my wife talking to another Black lady about wigs,
and I was like, "All right, uh…"
[laughter]
"Hmm."
"Let's test this theory. Let's see."
And I'm not crazy. I observed.
I observed for a little bit. I sat and watched in my…
My wife was praising her, like, weirdly.
My wife was like, "It looks so good, I can't even tell it's a wig."
I kind of came up from behind.
I was like, "Your wig does look fantastic, ma'am."
[laughter]
"My name's Matt. This is my Black wife beside me."
[laughter]
"No big deal."
[audience chuckling]
But then I did, I just kind of like, you know, went off script.
I was like, "When my wife wears wigs, looks like she's on the run from the FBI."
"She looks crazy."
[laughter]
For real, I swear to God, I actually did that. It was not good.
-[laughter] -It was a bad day for me.
On that day, I made not one, but two Black enemies for life.
[laughter]
[sighs] It's bad.
I had to go outside and find that big lesbian lady,
and recharge my powers.
[laughter]
I feel bad. If I'm being honest, I feel bad for regular gay people.
You know, can I be open with you guys?
I feel bad.
Remember regular gay people, like, two dudes in sweaters blowing each other?
-Classic gay guys. -[laughter]
You don't see them anymore.
You know what happened?
I feel like trans people watched regular gay people being gay,
and they're like, "You think that's gay?"
"Get the fuck out of the way."
[laughter]
For real, if you're a young gay kid wanting to come out to your father,
it's like, don't even waste his time.
[laughter]
No, you're just going to bother your dad.
He's out in the garage, just, like, twisting a wrench on an old motor.
You walk up with your scripted bullshit.
You're like, "Oh, Dad, I think I want to kiss other boys."
-[mimics sobbing] -[laughter]
Just throws down a greasy rag.
He's like, "We all want to kiss other boys, all right?"
[laughter]
[sighs loudly]
"Son, kissing boys is just dude stuff now."
[laughter]
"Go mow the lawn, all right?"
"You can kiss your buddies when you're done."
[laughter]
"But do it here where I can keep an eye on you guys and make sure you're all…"
[laughter]
He's a cool dad, come on.
[laughter]
[Matt chuckles]
Yeah.
I don't know what the kids are doing. I don't know what the kids are up to.
Is anyone here 21, by the way? Any 21-year-olds?
-[whooping] -Hell yeah, we got you right there.
I'm just trying to find the dumbest people in here.
-[laughter] -[Matt clears throat]
It's true, you're dumb as fuck. I'm… I'm sorry, it's the truth.
Here's the problem. It's not your fault.
When you're 21, you're so dumb and you think you're so smart.
It's a bad combination.
You think you're so smart because you have nothing to compare yourself to at 21.
When you're 21, you just look back to when you were, like, 11.
[laughter]
That's your baseline.
You're just walking around like, "Dude, I am crushing it right now."
[laughter]
"Drove myself to work every day this week."
[laughter]
"Went to the grocery store twice."
[laughter]
Here's the thing, though, man.
What happens is, you turn 31,
and everyone goes, "Oh my God, I think I've fucked my entire life up."
[laughter]
"Oh no!"
But that's good, because at 31, you get perspective.
You go, "Whoa, if I knew I was dumb then,
when I'm 41, I'm gonna know that I was dumb now."
And what happens is, as you get older and older, you just keep getting up there,
and then one day, right before you die, you go,
"Oh my God, I've been dumb my whole fucking life!"
[laughter]
And then you die.
[laughter]
Unfortunately.
I will say, though, at 21, there are things you can do to set yourself up
for, you know, the long term.
-Can I ask you, do you have a credit card? -No.
-[Matt] No? -No.
No, just not fucking with them?
[laughter]
Who else is 21? What about you, do you have a credit card, sir?
[man] I've got five.
You've got five? Dude, come on.
"Yeah, I'm under a mountain of fucking debt, dude."
[laughter]
[clears throat]
What's your credit limit, if you don't mind me asking?
-Like, 2,000. -2,000? Right, player, that's what's up.
[laughter]
Young, rich, big dick, bro. That's what's up, man.
-[audience laughs] -[Matt laughs]
Let me ask you this. Do you pay your credit card back on time? That's my point.
-Do you pay your credit card on time? -Yes.
That's where you're fucking up. That's what I'm trying to tell…
[laughter]
Only a fool would do that.
What's the penalty for not paying your credit card?
Nothing! You fucking dumbass, you know what they do? Every seven years…
I'm gonna school you guys, this whole front row of fucking horny studs
right up here.
[laughter]
Every seven years, the debt resets.
It's actually, and I say this with respect,
it's a Jewish rule, I swear to God.
[laughter]
Look it up, it's in the Old Testament. It's called the Jubilee.
[laughter]
It's in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. I'm not lying.
I was 21, I just spent all that money.
I just fucking threw that thing in the trash.
[laughter]
Set myself up for life.
[laughter]
You know what the penalty is for not paying your credit card? Nothing!
[laughter]
Just a lady from Minnesota calls you every day for a month, that's it.
[laughter]
She would call me every day and be like, "Oh, you owe us $2,500."
And all I had to do, legally speaking, was go, "No, I don't," and just hang up.
[laughter]
But then there are levels to debt collection.
I don't know if you know this. There are levels.
Like, eventually, just, like, some dude started…
I don't know if it was her older brother. I don't know who this guy was.
[laughter]
This guy called me up one morning at 7:00 a.m. with a major attitude.
Called me up, he goes, "What are you, sleeping?"
I swear to God. He goes, "What are you, sleeping?"
"A real man goes to work so he can pay his debts."
It's like, "Dude, you're just mad that you paid money for my negative money."
[laughter]
"Which, businessman to businessman, not a good move."
[laughter]
He was furious. He was like, "What do you know about business?"
It's like, "Dude, I'm up 2,500 bucks right now."
[laughter]
"I'm the only one making any fucking money around here in this place."
[laughter]
[applause]
Thank you.
I'm trying to tell you.
[applause continues]
But then there is a third and final level to debt collection.
This actually sucks. It gets kind of intense.
What they do is, at the third level, they call your family
to tell them what a giant loser you are.
[laughter]
That hurts.
They called my cousin when I was with my cousin.
It was insane. I… I was at my cousin's house just smoking weed.
They called my cousin. He started freaking out.
He was like, "Dude, you owe the credit card company money?"
[laughter]
"Like, dude, relax. Just tell them I'm dead, all right? It's all good."
[laughter]
He played it off pretty good. He was like, "Oh, yeah, he's dead."
"I just talked to him, actually. He's dead."
[laughter]
And then they asked my cousin a follow-up question.
I didn't hear the question. They asked my cousin, "How did he die?"
Which is crazy. "How did he die?"
My cousin's an asshole. He was like, "He died from having too much gay sex."
-[laughs loudly] -[audience laughter]
It's not funny, man.
[laughter]
For real, that's immature.
Put me in a weird position.
I had to call back right away. "Hey, it's me."
"Yeah, right, you wish." [laughs]
[audience laughter]
"Not that it's any of your business, but actually, uh, what happened was,
I broke my neck eating pussy on a ski lift."
[laughter]
"Talking to that lady from Minnesota who called earlier?"
[laughter]
"Turns out squirt does freeze. I don't know if you know that."
[laughter]
"There was a lot of it that day."
"Had to shut down the mountain, actually. Couldn't ski on it."
[chuckles]
I don't know, 21 is so cool. I love 21. That's a cool age, man.
Do you guys use dating apps? Can I ask you guys that?
-[man] No. -Okay.
[man] Instagram.
Oh, all right, dude.
[laughter]
Old-fashioned way, I see.
[laughter]
"I sent her a letter on the Pony Express."
-[audience laughter] -[Matt chuckles]
Sick, dude.
A lot of 21-year-old men have, like, a thing where they're kind of like,
"I don't need that shit."
It's like, use it. What the fuck are you doing?
Dating apps are a good technology.
It's like doing math and being like, "You can have that calculator. I'm good."
[laughter]
Use the tool. What are you talking about?
That's amazing.
Dating apps are the first time in human history
a young man can lay in the safety and comfort of his own bedroom,
and just summon babes out of the ether.
[laughter]
You can literally just lay there farting in your boxers.
It's like, "Yeah, family's really important to me too."
[makes fart sound] "Ugh!"
[laughter]
That's awesome, man.
Dude, when I was 21, back in the old world,
I had to go to a bar.
And back then, there'd just be women dancing together in little groups like…
♪ Like the deserts miss the rain… ♪
[laughter]
And if you wanted to talk to one of them,
you had to stand, like, ten feet away in the shadows…
[laughter]
…and just get hammered for an hour.
[laughter]
And then just summon the insane courage to jump out of nowhere
and start dancing on her ass.
[laughter]
[moans]
It was like breaking in a wild horse.
You're like, "God dammit, she's nervous as hell."
[laughter]
"Ah, she's bucking on me."
"I'd better kiss her from behind to calm her down."
"Nope, all right, what the fuck?"
The whole time, you're fighting off her biggest, fattest friend.
You're like, "Get the fuck off, all right?"
"Call off your fat protector, please."
[laughter]
It was barbaric.
I'm glad we don't do that anymore.
A lot of younger people are like, "It's embarrassing to say you met on the apps."
It's like, that's nothing. I have friends, the way they met…
I know a guy who met his wife
by being in a bar and he just punched her in the ass.
And now they have four kids. That's their story.
[laughter]
I love technology, man.
I think technology makes our life easy. I do.
Every app on my phone I like. It makes my life better, dude.
Uber Eats, amazing.
Fucking mobile banking.
But honestly, Airbnb might be my favorite, for real.
I don't know if you guys remember before Airbnb.
Dude, back before Airbnb, it was almost impossible
to jerk off in a stranger's house.
[laughter]
I don't know how my dad did it. I swear to God, I don't know how he did it.
[laughter]
Now I can make an appointment anywhere across the country.
They're like, "Mr. McCusker, we've left you some towels."
I'm like, "You guys better get the hell out of here."
"You have about half an hour."
"Keep the pictures up. They're fine."
-[chuckles] -[audience laughter]
All right, all right.
[laughter]
[man] Yeah!
Fair enough. [laughs]
[audience laughter]
[Matt chuckles]
God dammit, man. I don't know. Thirty-nine years old.
I don't know if you guys can tell. I look like shit. You guys can probably tell.
-[cheering] -Thirty-nine, man.
Yeah, well, here's the thing.
I thought, like, at 39, coming up to 40, I'd have more of my life figured out.
The big questions maybe, you know, a little demystified or whatever,
but, like, I don't know, man.
I… I'm just as confused as ever, like…
Here's one thing that's really weighing on me.
I don't think I'll ever figure this out,
but when do I get naked in the gym locker room?
[laughter]
Is that just a decision I make myself?
Just one day, just be like, just…
Or do I just show a little bit at a time, just every day, just a little more?
Or am I going to be taken aside by two old men
with the biggest, longest asses ever?
Like, "Walk with me, son."
"Prepare the initiates."
[laughter]
It makes no sense because old guys are the ones
getting naked in the gym locker room.
They don't give a fuck. They'll just bust their dicks out. No problem.
Just chat with each other.
But then they're the most, like, homophobic
and sexually repressed beings on the planet.
Then they'll do four push-ups and just bust their dicks out,
and be like, "Hey, how you doin'?"
[laughter]
And then dudes my age and younger,
we have a towel around our boxers, like, "Don't look."
But then we'll fuck around about gay stuff.
My friend could grab my ass and be like, "You're turning me on."
"Just kidding. We love girls. Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Yo!"
[laughter]
"It's the best night ever."
[laughter]
If I did that to my dad, he would punch me until I died.
[laughter]
He would never stop.
[laughter]
It makes no sense.
I actually… I swear to God, I tried this just so I could, like, understand.
I tried to get naked in the gym locker room.
I thought, "Maybe this is, like, a lost rite of passage."
"Like, I'll feel like a man. I'll come out."
"I have fucking gray hair. It's time I show these guys my dick. I have to."
[laughter]
And I'll be honest, it started off good. It started off pretty.
I was in the shower area. I'll be honest, I was working something up.
[laughter]
Nothing crazy, just like a humble offering for my elders.
[laughter]
I wasn't going to get all the way hard. That'd be rude.
[laughter]
Just pop out like, "Ha ha, the young ram has appeared. Yeah!"
[laughter]
No, I… It was, like, a tasteful display.
It would have been like the formal wear equivalent, if you guys will.
Like something my mom would see and be like, "You look handsome."
"That's very nice."
[laughter]
You know, I was feeling good. I was locked in.
I'm like, "This is, you know, this is… I don't mind presenting this."
And I walked out into the locker room area and I don't know what I was thinking.
I just like… I just made eye contact with a guy accidentally, which is fine.
You can do that, but I instinctively covered.
You cannot cover your penis. It's totally against gym rules.
[laughter]
I covered, and the guy just looked at me.
I was like, "I'm sorry, mister. Can you call my mom? I'm sorry."
[laughter]
"I'm just a 39-year-old, gray-haired boy lost in the world of men."
I blew it. I, for real, blew it. I actually…
Did you ever turn the lights on on a mouse?
I just scampered along the perimeter of the wall like…
[makes squeaking sound]
[chuckles]
Wasn't a good look.
Could have been great.
I could have found the biggest, oldest naked man
and just wrestled him to the ground.
Like, "Teach me your ways."
It would have been like school in Ancient Greece.
That was school in Ancient Greece. You would wrestle a man.
He would teach you about math and outer space.
It's like, how did we lose that?
[laughter]
Although, you guys probably know how we lost that.
If you know history at all,
traditionally,
in an Ancient Greek school,
the student, male student,
would have to blow the teacher, male teacher.
No big deal. Guy on guy.
[laughter]
I mean, it's not as bad.
[laughter]
No, that's a thing. You can look that up.
In Ancient Greece, the, you know…
the boy had to blow the teacher.
And the weird thing is, you know, other than a boy blowing a teacher,
the weird thing is, the Ancient Greeks thought
everyone was gonna be stoked on them about that.
Like, they didn't do this, like, hush-hush.
They were, like, painting water vases, like, old men tickling boys' balls
and were like, "Everyone's going to love this."
And not even 100 years later,
the Romans were like, "What the fuck are you guys doing? Stop it."
[laughter]
People judge that. People talk about Ancient Greece like that.
They're like, "I would never suck someone's dick for math."
And it's like, "Yeah, now you wouldn't, not with a free public education."
[laughter]
Imagine if it was 3,000 years ago
and you're the son of, like, a poor dirt farmer,
not a single scrap of academic knowledge in your entire family.
You walk outside. You're like, "Great, the sun's mad at me again."
"God dammit!"
[laughter]
You go to the market, you try to buy turnips, money's just been invented.
You're like, "I don't know what's going on."
[laughter]
Then a guy in, like, a sick robe just comes down the hillside.
Just a cloaked master walks up on you, like,
"Did you know that two straight lines go on forever?"
[laughter]
"Do they ever intersect?"
He's like, "Suck my dick, I'll tell you right now."
[laughter]
Dude, it sounds crazy, but some teachers today still do practice the ancient ways.
[laughter]
Hey, we have some Pythagoreans still among us.
[laughter]
Nah, pedophiles, that's where I draw the line.
That's not funny. That is not funny stuff, man.
I don't like that stuff.
I never really… I never really liked pedophiles,
but, like, once I had kids, I was like, "These guys are for sure a problem."
-"That's…" -[laughter]
It would terrify me because there's, like, web pages.
You can look up, like, uh, Megan's Law or whatever,
and it'll show you every pedophile in your zip code.
When I had my first kid, I would lay awake at night, like, "What would I do?"
Like, "What would I really do if I was at a playground
and I just saw, you know, you saw a pedophile, the van, the kid in there?"
I would just drill it in my head. I go in, I pop the door.
It's a clean operation.
Pop the door, grab the pedophile, free the kid, call the cops, done.
Like, 30 seconds, I'd time it.
[laughter]
But then as the nights went on, I got, like, a week into this mental practice,
eventually, it became, like, a gross ego thing for myself.
By, like, night six, I was, like, smashing through the glass.
I got the pedophile in a headlock.
I'm making out with the kid's mom out the window.
[laughter]
Little kid's like, "Mister, your muscles are really big."
I'm like, "Yeah, you fucking like this?"
[laughter]
My dick falls out of my shorts. I'm like, "Not again, son of a bitch!"
-[laughter] -"I hate when that happens."
But you know what happened to me?
It was actually… I kind of deserve this.
One night, I fell asleep. I was so tired, I passed out.
And I had the dream, I had the same dream, but I wasn't in control of it.
And you know in dreams when, like, you try to punch,
but your arms are just like noodles?
That happened to me, and that night, that pedophile just beat my ass.
[laughter]
For hours.
I felt bad. All I could do was look at the kid, like, "Life's tough, buddy."
"I don't know what to tell you." [chuckles]
[laughter]
"You'll see."
No, I ended up in the dream freeing the kid, believe it or not.
I had no hands, so, you know, I had to blow the pedophile to completion.
[laughter]
By any means, man.
Save the kid.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
No, that'd be… that'd be a crazy Clint Eastwood movie.
That was his last… his magnum opus.
Clint Eastwood just walking around with that tough scowl
through, like, a recess yard.
Dodgeball tumbles by.
High noon, he just walks up,
like, "How about you suck on someone your own size?"
[laughter]
[chuckles]
No, I'm bringing up the pedophile stuff on purpose.
I'm just… I'm doing that just to demonstrate…
Like, look, there's horrible stuff in the world. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
There's horrible stuff happening all the time.
I feel like it's up to you as an individual
to, like, find something you love that brings you joy
and just get into that every day.
Don't get lost in all the negative news coming from every side.
Even, like, little shit. You know what I like?
People laugh at me. I like those Lime scooters, man.
Dude, there's so much engineering goes
into each and every one of those scooters, it's crazy.
Every one of those Lime scooters… I don't know if you know this.
Every single Lime scooter, and I've tested this out,
is a little bit faster than every homeless person ever.
[laughter]
Come on.
Dude, I feel like a king on those things. I'm riding around.
People are asking me for stuff.
I'm like, "Sorry, we don't carry cash in the future."
[mimics buzzing sound]
[laughter]
Let's bunny-hop them. Tsh-tsh!
[laughter]
No, I feel bad. I feel bad for homeless people. I do.
It's just a weird… Homelessness is a weird problem.
You just have these guys that are just outside.
That's the issue. These guys are outside and I feel bad.
And then they lay down, and I'm like, "You're being a drama queen. Come on."
"I get it, it's tough, but just stand the fuck up."
"Let's not… Let's not get ridiculous."
[laughter]
I feel bad for them. And nobody knows what to do. That's the worst part.
Like, it's a… like, a very apparent problem.
Like, even the highest offices of Washington, D.C.
are, like, scratching their heads.
Like, the best solution I've heard…
I've heard people say we should take the malls,
now that they're, like, old and nobody wants them,
and just put homeless people in there, turn them into, like, a homeless place,
which is like, "That's not a bad plan. What's phase two?"
And they're like, "I don't know."
[laughter]
"You just wanna lock 'em in a building, that's your plan?"
"We have that, it's called jail."
"We turn the white ones into Nazis. Nothing's perfect, but you know…"
[laughter]
My thing is, I feel like the term "homelessness" is the problem.
Homelessness implies that it's a purely physical situation.
Like, they'd have you believe that the problem is, at its root,
that we had these guys that were inside,
and now they're outside.
And if we could just get them back inside…
[laughter]
Stubborn little suckers they are, I'll tell you, man.
And we're good.
Maybe that's the case for some of 'em. They're outside, you get 'em back inside.
They're like, "Oh, yeah, I remember inside. This place is chill."
"I could totally do this again."
But then there's the real deal homeless people.
And their problem is not so much that they're outside.
It's that they're always going… [shouts angrily]
-"Whoa!" -[laughter]
"Sir! Sh!"
[laughter]
"I'm trying to get you in the mall, dude. What are you doing?"
[laughter]
"What, are you crazy or something?"
[laughter]
I don't know, man. Maybe the mall's the move, if you think about it.
For real, man, we're giving all these jobs to these fake plastic mannequins.
It's like…
-[laughter] -What if?
[laughter]
Imagine walking past the Foot Locker, there's four dudes in the window just…
[laughter]
[applause]
[laughter continues]
That would catch your eye.
You'd be like, "Goddamn, those sweatpants look comfortable as hell."
[laughter]
"What kind of fabric lets you sleep standing up? I like that."
[laughter]
"Must be that new Lycra stuff or whatever the hell that shit's called."
[chuckles]
I'll be honest, I worry about the homeless people a little bit.
But I'm a dad. I worry about my kids. That's the thing I worry about the most.
I'm worried about kids in general with the iPads.
Just like, there's kids five hours a day facing a fucking iPad.
I'm always, like, wondering, like, "Dude, what if ten years from now we learn
that, like, looking at the iPad all day is just as bad as hitting kids?"
-[laughter] -You know what I mean?
Then it's like, "Dude, we could have been hitting these kids the whole time."
[laughter]
iPads are expensive, man. They're, like, 450 bucks.
I want to hit my kids so bad.
You guys have no idea.
[laughter]
Know how easy that would make my life?
It would be so easy.
Like, a huge chunk of having… I have a three and a five-year-old.
A huge chunk of having little kids is just being late
and having annoying conversations that make you later.
We'll be 15 minutes late for school.
They'll be like, "Dad, why do we have to wear pants?"
[laughter]
"Because I'll go to jail. I don't know. Just put them on."
When all I have to really do is be like, "Pants, let me think. Here's why."
"Yeah!"
[laughter]
Hit 'em into each other like billiard balls. Just…
[makes collision sounds]
[laughter]
Clap it up if you think we should hit kids a little bit. I'm just curious.
-[audience clapping] -Okay.
[audience member whistles]
Whistling's a bit much. That's…
[laughter]
[whistles]
Whoo!
Finally.
-[laughter] -[man groans]
I don't know. Look, I get it. I don't think it's crazy.
I wouldn't judge you guys. I don't hit my kids, but whatever you guys gotta do.
[laughter]
For me, the thing about hitting kids that's weird to me,
it's, like, a logical hang-up.
My thing is, if you can hit kids, which a lot of you are passionate about…
[laughter]
Yeah, whatever.
My thing is, if you can hit kids,
by that logic, you should at least be able to push women.
-That's all I'm saying. -[laughter]
You're telling me I can beat the shit out of someone this big.
Half the room's like, "Kick their fucking ass."
[laughter]
But if someone yea high's in my face,
like, "The sponge doesn't belong in the sink,"
I can't be like, "All right, back the fuck up."
[laughter]
"Enough about this fucking sponge, lady."
[laughter]
"I don't care how it smells. Just shut up about it."
[laughter]
I'm just sick of grandparents, all these older people,
they try to tell you, "You don't know how easy you have it. We had ten kids."
It's like, "Dude, shut the fuck up."
Seriously, all these older people, "We had ten kids."
It's like, "Yeah, you beat the shit out of them."
[laughter]
You know how easy that would be? Give me 14 kids.
If I could walk in every day like Darth Vader, just…
[makes sharp buzzing sounds]
[laughter]
-[makes continuous buzzing sound] -[laughter]
You see a baby, just squash it like a bug on the ground.
Like, "Ew, who the hell let that in the house? Shut the back door."
-[laughter] -"Come on."
[makes whooshing sound]
You lay in your bed. Your whole house is crying.
[laughter]
Just chilling. You're like, "Oh, what a day!"
[laughter]
Your wife's hyping you up. She's like, "You're such a great father."
[laughter]
"I know." [sighs]
[laughter]
"Now, how about you shut the hell up and let a man sleep? God dammit!"
[laughter]
Then you die and the whole town's like, "He was a great man."
[laughter]
"An honorable fellow."
Having kids is hard, man.
It's hard because, like, you love your kids so much.
And, like, they're always pissing you off,
which just sets up a cycle where, like, you love them, they piss you off,
then you disappoint them, they get sad.
You just feel horrible. I do it all the time, man. You're always tired.
I was with my five-year-old daughter recently. We were walking at nighttime.
We were out too late. I'm trying to get her home.
She's just taking forever walking.
I'm like, "Will you hurry the fuck up? Come on."
You gotta keep it cool.
And then she just stopped mid-walk, and she was like, "Daddy, look, the moon."
It should've been a good moment, but my first reaction was like,
"You don't even like the moon, you're so fucking fake. Come on. Let's go."
"Shut up."
-[audience laughter] -[Matt chuckles]
I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my kids.
We always do the same stuff together
and we're having two totally different experiences.
They're having a ball.
I'm just on the outside of it all the time, just paying for it all.
[laughter]
It sucks. We do the same thing, totally different experiences.
Watch TV together. We'll watch, like, Ms. Rachel.
Dude, totally different planes of existence.
My daughters are watching.
They're like, "Daddy, look, a purple triangle."
I'm like, "Be quiet. I heard a rumor her nipples are pierced."
"I'm trying to see if it's true."
[laughter]
[laughter continues]
[applause]
[cheering]
Yep.
Thinks she can hide those big fat titties in those overalls.
[laughter]
Not from me.
After a while, I'll be like, "You girls go look at the moon."
"Go look at the moon."
[laughter]
"Daddy's gonna watch Ms. Rachel by himself." [chuckles]
[laughter]
I remember being a kid. I loved it, man.
When you're a kid, you're just like this innocent… just a ball of flesh,
just totally shamelessly enjoying yourself all the time.
When I was a little kid, I would lay on my stomach, eating pizza,
watching TV in front of my whole family,
and just jam my dick into the floor.
[laughter]
No concern. I'd be like… [grunts]
-[laughter] -Mom would be like, "Are you all right?"
I'd be like, "Yeah, I'm really comfortable. Thanks, Mom." [grunts]
[laughter]
Any question that came to my head would get answered.
I'd be like, "Mom, what happens when we die?"
"You go to heaven with God and your grandparents."
I'm like, "Yeah, I knew that." [grunts loudly]
Now I just have kids. And I was like, "Damn, I didn't know this was this hard."
It's so hard, man, like…
And here's the thing, like, 'cause you love your kids,
but then you do stuff with them and you're like, "This kind of sucks."
[laughter]
It hurts to think that.
I brought my kids to the beach for the first time and I love the beach.
The beach is my favorite place.
And I'm like, "All right, I got my favorite people at my favorite place."
"What can go wrong?"
[laughter]
And then I got to the beach and I was like,
"I'm just babysitting in a more challenging terrain."
"This sucks."
[laughter]
Did you ever bring little kids to the beach?
They try to die the whole time.
[laughter]
And the ocean doesn't help. The ocean's like, "Give me your kids."
-[makes crashing wave sound] -[laughter]
"No!"
Nobody's looking. You're like, "Fuck it, take one of them. You guys…"
-[audience laughter] -[chuckles]
Yeah, man, it's tough.
I try to tell people who are dating, younger dating couples.
Like, I don't like to bog you guys down with this shit, but like…
God, man, you are running into a wall a thousand miles an hour.
You have no idea. Every young couple dating, you see them out.
It's like, young people dating,
it's like two egos rubbing against each other.
It's like, "And then my dreams will come true."
"And then your dreams will come true."
[mimics excited squeals]
"It's amazing!"
Meanwhile, you know what marriage is?
Marriage is two people looking at each other,
going, "You're a piece of shit."
[laughter]
Both realizing the other person's right
and going, "I love you. Let's die together."
[laughter]
"Let's set up this 401(k) and just get fat as hell." [groans]
[laughter]
It's a beautiful thing. Marriage is a sacrament, man.
Not to be taken lightly. It's a vehicle to transcend the self.
Every couple I know, I'm like, "How are you preparing for that?"
They're like, "We just had paella last night. It was pretty interesting."
"You're not gonna eat paella when you're married."
You know what you eat when you're married? Chicken breast.
[laughter]
It's true.
You eat chicken breast every day for the rest of your life.
-[laughter] -Every day's the same.
I wake up, I text my wife, "Hey, just so you know,
my life's harder than your life."
"Shut the fuck up about it."
[laughter]
She's like, "You're like living with a child. It's so embarrassing."
I'm like, "You've been on your period for two weeks. Call a doctor. Ew!"
[laughter]
[audience member claps]
I crush her every time.
[laughter]
Never worth it.
Every day at 4:30, I'm like, "Fuck, why did I say all that stuff?"
[laughter]
"Gotta send the peacemaker text."
I'm like, "Hey, got a little crazy this morning. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Love you, babe."
[laughter]
"What's for dinner?" "Chicken breast."
"You never fucking touch me, I swear to fucking God!"
-"Fuck!" -[laughter]
Yeah, my wife's mad right now. We never went on a honeymoon.
She's like, "You owe me a honeymoon."
But we had kids together before we got married.
So from my perspective, it's like, "Hey, I hear you, but you fucked up."
"That's not my problem."
[laughter]
"Should have been more careful."
[laughter]
No, I'm gonna take my wife on a honeymoon. I am.
I'm gonna take my wife on a surprise honeymoon to Saudi Arabia.
That's where we're gonna go.
[laughter]
Just straighten her ass out once and for all.
[laughter]
Huge surprise. Blindfold on her.
Hops off the plane. She's doing her shit.
She's like, "This place is too hot. This is why you can't plan anything."
Some dude comes out from behind a fruit stall.
[in Saudi Arabian accent] "She cannot talk to you like that."
[laughter]
"Not here!"
I'm like, "Yeah, go talk to her. Go tell her."
[laughter]
Picks up a rock. I'm like, "No, no, no, no! Whoa, whoa, sir!"
[laughter]
"Tag her in the gut. Just a little…"
[laughter]
"Just get in her face. Like, a little scared-straight action. Just scare her."
My wife's tough, man. My wife's a tough lady.
She really is. My wife's from the South Side of Chicago.
Did I tell you I have a Black wife? I don't know if I told you.
[laughter]
From the South Side of Chicago. South Side of Chicago is cool, by the way.
It definitely kind of like took me by surprise a little bit.
Here's the thing, like, because I lived in Philly for years.
And Philly's, like, a racially mixed city. It's a big city, but it's pretty mixed.
And I just assumed Chicago would be the same way.
And then I went to the South Side of Chicago. I had to look it up.
It's 99.9% Black, which I have no problems with.
My problem is, I think it might be 100% Black.
[laughter]
I think they're fudging the numbers and someone needs to come clean.
[laughter]
I thought I'd at least see a fraction of a white guy while I was there.
[laughter]
And I like when I go there,
but at first, my wife's family were, like, too protective of me almost.
It was emasculating. They're like, "Stay inside with us."
"Don't go outside by yourself."
And one day, I just spazzed. I was like, "I'll go outside right fucking now."
It was like a purely white spaz. I was like, "I'm going for a jog."
And they're like, "No, don't, please."
-[laughter] -"Anything but that."
"Anything but zone two cardio. Don't do that."
[laughter]
And I was like, "You guys should have some more faith in this place."
And I went for a mile-and-a-half run on the South Side of Chicago.
I got back. My wife's family were really nice.
"How was your run?" I checked my time on my Apple Watch.
I was like, "Damn, I smashed all my records."
[laughter]
Didn't feel good.
-[audience laughter] -[chuckles]
Nobody cares. Interracial relationships, no one cares. That's a good thing.
But I will say once you have kids, then you have interracial grandparents.
That can be a little tricky.
'Cause, you know, they're not used to team-building projects as much yet.
[laughter]
Like, dude, like, my mother-in-law, sweet lady.
Like, she's said enough things to lead me to believe that she might be worried
that her grandkids are gonna be, like, "too white."
And then my wife gets mad at me for some reason.
She's like, "That's disrespectful to you. Say something to her."
I'm like, "I am never going to say anything."
[laughter]
-"What are you doing?" -[laughter]
And then I try to make my wife feel better.
I'm like, "Look, I'm sure my mom is, like, wondering the same,
like a parallel set of concerns."
[laughter]
My wife's like, "What are you talking about?"
I'm like, "We'll just make these kids Black as hell. Forget what I said."
[laughter]
"I'll stop wearing orthopedic running shoes if I have to."
"We'll figure this out. It's a family."
[laughter]
The race stuff's whatever. My main problem right now is gender stuff.
I'm in a house with pretty much all women.
It's… I have a wife, two daughters.
I have a boy dog, thank God.
[laughter]
I just grab his dick every chance I get.
I just…
[laughter]
Just honk him every morning.
[laughter]
"That's guy stuff. Watch out."
[grunts]
[chuckles]
Nah, I don't grab my dog's dick. I'm kidding around.
[laughter]
My kids actually do that. It's a problem in our house.
[laughter]
Like, "We're rubbing his belly."
I'm like, "His eyes are rolling back, all right?"
[laughter]
"Move up."
[laughter]
No, but I'm fucking around. The real thing is like…
Right now, I'm trying to understand my wife better
so I can understand my daughters better when they get older.
And I'm making a real effort, man.
Just like those little things that, like, women do.
A lot of times, you're like, "Yeah, whatever." I'm trying to understand, like…
Like the classic ones. My wife takes forever to get ready.
Before, I would follow her around the house, trying to help her out.
Like, "What the fuck are you doing?"
[laughter]
"Put on some pants, you fucking psycho. Come on, we're gonna be late."
Just trying to be a good husband.
-[laughter] -Then one day, she snapped.
She was like, "You'll never understand what I'm dealing with."
"Just go away from me right now." And I said, "You know what?"
"There's gotta be some piece to your experience I'm missing."
"Take your time getting ready. I'm gonna figure out what that is."
Dude, as soon as I opened my mind, the answer came to me in a flash.
I know why women take so long to get ready. I can explain it right now.
It's like… All right, guys, you know we all have penises, right?
[laughter]
You know we all have big fat dicks, the exact same size and shape?
[laughter]
How God made us as brothers in that regard?
-Yeah! -[men cheering]
-[man] Yeah! -Exactly.
[applause]
No, but as a guy,
90% of your physical anxiety is bound up in your penis area.
You get out of the shower, you look at your dick, you're like, "Mother fuck…"
[laughter]
Just check it like a bad poker hand. You're like, "Son of a bitch!"
[laughter]
Yeah, I'm gonna have to bluff my way through this one. [chuckles]
[laughter]
But then as a guy, you put on pants and you're like, "I look great."
"Where the fuck is my wife?"
Women don't have that, so all that anxiety gets spread across their whole bodies.
Women's bodies are their penises. You guys follow me?
[laughter]
And they're out on display for everybody to rank, judge, and compare all the time.
It's like, dude, imagine if all your clothes showed the exact size
and shape of your flaccid penis.
[laughter]
We'd be in the mirror for hours, like, "I hate my outfit, just go without me."
[desperately] "I have nothing to wear!"
[laughter, applause]
Your wife's on her phone, she's like, "It looks huge. Hurry the fuck up!"
[laughter]
Just pop out of a pile of cargo shorts,
like, "Really, you think it's long and fat? Crazy?"
[laughter]
She's gotta look you in the eye and be like, "Yeah, it's fucking massive, man."
"Come on, let's go."
"I told you today, it was huge when you woke up."
[laughter]
[sniffs]
"Okay."
[meekly] "Can you drive, please?"
[laughter]
[chuckles] And then on top of that, I told you I have daughters.
My wife just expected that I'd know how to maintain a vagina.
Just day two of having a kid, she's like, "Your turn."
I'm like, "Can I shadow you for a little bit here?"
-[laughter] -"My turn?"
I'm not trying to be gross, but every baby goes in their diaper,
but girls, like, it comes up.
Like, they don't have those mud flaps to block all that action.
[laughter]
Imagine learning that by surprise.
I didn't know that. You know how I found out?
One day, I picked up my daughter
and I was like, "She shit her pussy, call the doctor!"
-[laughter] -"What the fuck?!"
[laughter continues]
I got all paranoid looking at my wife,
like, "Does this happen to you and you don't tell me? What the…?"
[laughter]
"Is this why we can't do stuff all the time?"
[laughter]
Is this what you girls are always whispering about in the bathroom?
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
My wife's barking orders. She's like, "Front to back, back to front."
I'm like, "Dude, I've only ever seen these in the dark before, right?"
[laughter]
"Can you help me out here? Hold up a lava lamp or something? Come on."
-[laughter] -[man] Whoo!
And on top of that, like, this is, like, a three-day-old person.
So I… I got to learn on a little tiny one.
[laughter]
It's like a little pussy Hot Wheels. It's not even real.
[laughter]
I got a jeweler's loupe on 10X. I'm like, "What the fuck, you know?"
[laughter]
"The detail's incredible on this."
"It's like a model village."
[laughter]
I know, and the worst part is, I'm getting pretty good at it
and I don't know how to feel about that.
-[laughter] -Just a weird skill set.
I don't do, like, T-shirts or anything after the show,
but any women in the front, I can shine you guys up.
If you guys want a little buffer…
[laughter]
No problem.
Not in a weird way. Just think of me as your father doing it.
That's all I'm saying.
[laughter]
Come on, guys, be mature.
[laughter]
[chuckles softly]
It's the nooks and crannies. [laughs]
[audience laughter]
No, I'm fucking around. I do want to say this.
You know, I was talking about hitting kids,
and just for the record, I do want to hit my kids so bad.
I'm not taking that back. I want to hit them.
But I don't. I don't hit my kids.
If you hit your kids, I'm not judging you.
I'm actually kind of jealous.
[laughter]
I don't hit my kids.
What I do, and I think it's just as effective,
I lie to my kids all the time.
I tell them scary lies.
And I think it works even better because it hits that fear center
without you, like, you know, punching them.
You can get the same result.
I tell my kids, like, fucked-up, horrible, scary things that I make up.
And you can tell a kid anything.
And they believe it 100% of the time.
You can say anything to a kid every time. They're like, "Really?"
[laughter]
And in your head, you're like, "Dumbass," but you have to…
[laughter]
You gotta mask your face and be like,
"Yeah, Santa Claus is gonna kill Mommy. I'm trying to tell you."
[laughter]
"If you go to bed right now, I'll see what I can do, all right?"
[laughter]
It works every time.
The problem is, when you lie to your kids, they never forget the lie.
And the lie always comes back to get you eventually.
Usually, like, months down the line,
but then you just come up with another lie, smooth that one over.
One day, when they're old enough, you're like, "There's no Santa Claus."
"Me and your mother are getting a divorce. Get the fuck out."
[laughter]
"Yeah, it's your fault. Sh!"
-[audience laughter] -[Matt chuckles]
No, to give you an example, so we're at the airport recently.
There's me, my wife, the three-year-old, the five-year-old.
The five-year-old's being a maniac, running around,
smacking people in the head in the terminal.
My wife's mad at me for some reason.
She's like, "Are you gonna do something about that?"
"This is my fucking fault? What the fuck…?"
[laughter]
And I do, I love my wife.
When we fly, I don't know what it is about flying,
she turns into a different person.
She'll have this, like, 150-point checklist.
Always forgets one thing and just takes it out on me.
We get through security.
She's like, "I forgot my phone charger, magnetic strap case holder."
"Why didn't you remind me?"
It's like, "Will you shut the fuck up about this checklist?"
I walk away. I'm like, "Fuck, I forgot to wipe my ass. God dammit!"
-[laughter] -"Shit!"
"Son of a bitch!"
[laughter]
We're in the airport. We're arguing. It's embarrassing.
We're having a hushed argument.
The middle of the argument, my five-year-old saw…
You know the wheelchairs at the airport for old people?
They put them in the wheelchair and just kind of dump them in the plane like a…
[laughter]
It's like a wheelbarrow full of mulch, just…
[laughter]
Load 'em up.
My five-year-old daughter saw an empty wheelchair being pushed.
She didn't know what it was. And she was like, "What's that?"
Mid-argument, my wife, like, split an eye off.
"That's where they put kids who don't listen."
"They put them in the wheelchair and take them away from their families forever."
[laughter]
Then she looked at me, like, "Right?"
I'm like, "You want me to cosign that crazy fucking bullshit?"
[laughter]
But you gotta be united fronts. To be like, "Girls, your mother's right."
"We're gonna sell you to the Mexican cartel
if you don't knock it off."
[laughter]
I have to give it to my wife. It worked. It worked so well.
My daughters were, like, quiet and respectful for the rest of the time.
They're holding my leg getting onto the plane.
They're like, "Dad, you won't let them take me?"
I was like, "I won't, but your mom will. She's a fucking bitch."
"Actually, ask Mommy for one of the wipes out of the diaper bag. Go."
[laughter]
"Say it's for you."
-[audience laughter] -[Matt chuckles]
It was great, but like I said, they never forget the lie,
and the lie always comes back to get you.
And in this case, it was almost instantaneous.
We had, like, an hour-and-a-half flight, real quick. We get off the plane.
My wife took the three-year-old to the bathroom.
It's me and the five-year-old just watching the plane deboard.
And halfway through that process, a kid her age comes off
in a fucking wheelchair.
[laughter]
And I just watched my daughter go, "Oh!"
[laughter]
Dude, I didn't know what to do.
I covered her whole face and was like, "Shut the fuck up. Don't move."
[laughter]
"Don't talk. Don't breathe."
"Oh, stop licking my hand. What the fuck?"
[laughter]
And she was terrified. She was like, "Dad, he wasn't listening."
I didn't know what to do. I was like, "That's the Governor of Texas."
"Come on, he's after your mom. Have some respect."
You guys are awesome. Thank you so much.
-[cheering, applause] -Thank you. Have a good night.
Thank you.
[cheering continues]
[gentle guitar and harmonica music playing]
[Matt] Oh, fuck.
[grunts]
Sorry.
[gentle music continues]
[waves lapping on shore]
[music stops]
[waves roaring]
n shore]