♪ Now let me welcome everybody to the Wild Wild West ♪
♪ A state that's untouchable like Eliot Ness ♪
♪ The track hits your eardrum like a slug to your chest ♪
♪ Pack a vest for your Jimmy in the city of sex ♪
♪ We in that Sunshine State where the bomb-ass hemp be ♪
♪ The state where you never find a dance floor empty ♪
-♪ California ♪ -♪ California ♪
-♪ Knows how to party ♪ -♪ Knows how to party ♪
-♪ California ♪ -♪ West Coast ♪
It's another beautiful day.
Eighty-two degrees of opportunity.
The Japanese Club's, uh, "Say Sayonara to Gluten" bake sale
is going on to raise awareness
for the whitewashing of Asian roles...
uh, in Hollywood.
So let's all bite into some mochi
and give the Japanese Club a special arigato for our friends with...
our friends with celiac disease.
Homecoming tickets go on sale this weekend.
This year's theme: “Ring, Ring. Who's Calling? Bling, Bling.”
Remember, every day is a chance to be great. As Jay-Z says,
"Don't go with the flow. Be the flow."
Thank you, Principal Burr,
for those inspiring words.
Uh, where were we? Jaden Thompson McGee.
-Present. -Jaden Unger.
-Yeah. -Jaden Hoyles.
New phone, who dis?
Josh Wheeler?
Wheeler?
Hey, that's me. Josh, not Jaden.
There are, like, 20 Jadens in this school.
Parents think that they're being unique, but it's an army of vanilla.
Not like I'm anything special. I'm a C student.
C as in “crappy.” C as in “cannot catch a break.”
C as in “let's just see how bad things are.”
Climate change deniers are standing waist-deep in hurricane water.
Corporations make billions off of nerd culture, making outsiders like...
the new insiders, leaving the truly odd with...
no way to self-identify.
And little dictators with big egos?
Well, they can launch a nuke with a tweet! And then one day-- Whoa!
--they did.
So whatever your problems were...
Dad won't spring for a larger data plan?
Mom won't buy that adorbs top at Urban Outfitters?
It's all baby food now.
Now I'm an A. A as in “awesome,”
A as in “the apocalypse was the best thing that ever happened.”
A as in “all you people need to buckle up.”
‘Cause I wanna show you just how sweet the end of the world...
actually is.
So what's life like during the apocalypse? In a word?
Extra. Be the flow.
My digs belonged to some Armenian gangster, but he's gone,
so I invoked the ancient rites where finders are keepers
and losers are weepers.
It's one of the only rules left because there are no adults.
Everyone over the age of 18 is gone.
Well... mostly.
The bombs must've been biological.
Most adults melted into goo,
and the rest turned into what we like to call "Ghoulies."
She hasn't texted me back.
I hear the new David Chang restaurant
is supposed to be awesome-sauce.
I should cancel my Facebook account. It's too divisive.
I know it seems like they're having a conversation, but they're not.
They only say the last stupid thing that they were thinking.
But that doesn't mean that they're harmless.
They will rip your head off and chug your blood.
I mean, look at this guy.
It's like Prime Rib Night at the Golden Corral down there.
But mostly, life is like living in Grand Theft Auto...
...except better.
♪ Take off Let me see you take off ♪
Woo-hoo!
♪ Light 'em up, time up ♪
♪ Take a shot, get a tab, run it up ♪
♪ One round ain't enough, double up ♪
♪ It's going down like three, two, one ♪
♪ Adrenaline, whole crew comin' in ♪
♪ Charged up, guess who plug 'em in ♪
♪ You can't win Shocked 'em again ♪
♪ Tell me when to go ♪
♪ Charged up And my crew out of control... ♪
Oh, crap.
A Yamashiro katana,
Honshū Province.
Television taught me every good sword has a name.
I mean, Excalibur, Vorpal, Longclaw, Sting... Needle!
I shall name mine...
Sam.
Ever since the bombs fell, animals have been mutating.
That used to be a pug.
So messed up, right?
No. No!
I really liked that place too.
So when shopping for a new home, you have to ask yourself,
“Can I build a minefield, or a moat, or a drawbridge to protect it?”
No? Move on.
Also, don't pick one with an unexploded missile in the front yard.
That's a deal-breaker.
Psst.
Shh.
Baron Triumph.
Help me! Anyone!
Please, help me!
Please, help!
That turd lord catches kids and purees them into hummus.
The apocalypse didn't eliminate the assholes.
It made them worse.
We have to rise above.
Every day is a chance to be great.
Be the flow.
Ghoulies, depraved flesh eaters on motorcycles,
and mutated animals aren't the only threats.
The bombs dropped six months ago, and all of the kids who survived
have more or less maintained their circle of friends.
Among the tribes are the Disciples of Kardashia,
the 4-H Club, the Jocks, the STEM Punks,
and countless other small tribes occupying their own territory.
The borders shift, so it's best to stay in your own lane.
Now, that's promising.
East-facing windows, nice location.
And Jesus makes a great security system.
Damn.
Some kids already called dibs.
Rule three: keep to yourself. I've avoided everyone since the boom.
Some kids... are worse than Ghoulies.
Things just got different.
Josh!
-Sam. - Josh!
Josh!
Lookie here!
A party crasher.
Hey, bros, what does the Golf Team do
to those who crash our party?
Whoa!
Easy.
I heard a scream and thought there might be some trouble.
-What're you doing back there? -We're doing none of your business.
Buzz off, fly, unless you want to die.
Rhyming? Really, Jerry? Really?
Just kinda roll with it, Terry.
You sound like a knob with a dictionary, Jerry.
We're on the same team, Gary.
-Yo, Gary's just triggered, Barry. -Enough! I make the threats.
I'm team captain. It says so on my shirt.
And I say one of you doesn't belong here.
Gary, Barry, Jerry, Larry and... what's your name?
-Josh. -Tennis Josh?
-No. -Little Josh with the big truck?
-No. -Gay Josh or Other Gay Josh?
Just Josh, okay? You guys don't know me.
Well, now you're Wasting-Our-Time- And-Got-Himself-Dead Josh!
- Whoa, damn!
Soon-To-Be-Dead Josh has got himself some brass.
Most scabs possum, but you...
Oh, you are interesting, bro.
I've got a killer origin story.
It's got revenge, and drama, and fights, and love.
True love.
We've been sans Snap for months.
Entertain us...
and you just might live.
Okay, my story?
I moved here before the start of school.
-You wanted to see me, Principal Burr? -Oh, Josh.
Josh, come on in.
Have a seat.
Hmm.
How's the move from Toronto?
Uh, yeah, good.
Hmm. You fitting in okay?
Yeah. Good.
Like your classes?
Yeah. Good.
Are you a fan of the walnut, Josh?
California is one of the biggest growers of nuts in the world.
We're not all celebrities and sunshine.
I know it's more on-trend to like almonds right now.
Can't go into a Starbucks without somebody asking for a splash of almond milk.
And cashews?
The cashew is a cross-cultural masterpiece.
But for me, it's the walnut,
the healthiest food in the world.
Filled with Vitamin E, phytonutrients...
Brain food, they call it. And that's all well and good, but...
you know why I like it?
Uh, why?
Because the toughest shell can be cracked.
-Are those for me? -These? Oh, no.
No, no.
No, these are plastic.
No, this is a nut-free campus. I'm sorry I wasn't clear about that.
Justin Salts, Terrence Markazian,
Erika Kim...
they even smell a nut, it's death.
Hospital trip, the whole thing.
Is that an allegory?
It's a metaphor.
A metaphor more. Moving isn't easy.
Not knowing anybody.
Well, now you know me.
Are you trying to bore us to death?
Yo, your story is tired, bro.
-Five percent Rotten Tomato, if that. - I don't get it.
How did a noob like you survive out here for six months all on his lonesome?
I can fish, hunt, rig solar panels, and purify water from my own urine,
which is even grosser than it sounds.
- What are you, MacGyver? - No.
I'm Canadian.
You're a value added.
We could use someone like you.
I don't know how to do golf.
I was thinking more of like, hmm...
I don't know, a slave.
Ugh, I object to that terminology.
Indentured American?
Better.
Josh has some serious skills, unlike you foot lickers.
You're coming with us, Just Josh.
Now, we can do this the hard way
or the harder way.
What's the hard way?
We put an electric dog collar on and shock you into being our...
indentured American.
And the harder way?
-We put the collar on your junk. -That's my favorite.
Thanks.
But no thanks.
You see, I have a sacred mission to accomplish.
This is a nut-free campus. Sorry that I wasn't clear about that.
Justin Salts, Terrence Markazian,
Erika Kim...
they even smell a nut, it's death.
-Come in. - You wanted to see me, Mr. Burr?
Sam Dean, meet Josh Wheeler.
Josh, this is Sam.
She's gonna show you around and answer any questions you have.
That's right. I named my sword after her.
You would too.
- Hey, Sam! -Hey.
-Hi, guys. -Hola, Señorita Sam.
Hola, Ms. Rodriguez.
How do you have so many friendlies?
-Who are you? - I'm Sam Dean.
Two syllables, two boys' names. Sam, Dean.
Like, Sam as in Samantha?
Sam as in Samaira.
Is that-- is that like an England thing?
Uh, no. My mum is an engineer, and she worked in Jaipur,
so I am the definition of cultural appropriation.
Samaira.
It means "enchanting," which is pretty cringe.
Samaira is a kind of girl
who Instagrams an inspirational quote over a peace sign selfie.
Sam doesn't have any kind of social media platform.
Sam still likes riding her old BMX bike.
Sam's thinking of getting a tattoo but is too indecisive to choose.
Wait, hang on.
No one is friends with everyone unless they're, like, a cheerleader.
-Are you a cheerleader? -Uh, no. But only because irony is dead.
So what are you?
I'm...
interested.
Look.
Competitive fidget spinners, creepypasta eaters,
the meow-sters, E-sportos.
Shannon Vinnecour recreated Gondor in Minecraft.
And Todd Altman self-identifies his gender as a seahorse.
The horse of the sea.
I don't think that we have those in Canada.
Probably not.
I get it.
-You're nice. -Nice?
Nice is what you say when you have nothing else to say about someone.
It's lame. I'm not nice.
Everyone seems to like you.
I'm a human Sorting Hat.
Principal Burr just uses me to help figure out where the new students click.
So where do I belong?
Who are your people?
I lived in a small town with small people.
It's still jocks, and nerds, and cheerleaders, and...
me.
You're challenging, Josh Wheeler.
And I do like a challenge.
- Hey! - Shut up.
Sam Dean is way above your orbit.
-She's like stratosphere! -She does have great tits, though.
Hey! This is love, and love is more important than boobs.
Nothing is more important than boobs.
I am in love with Sam Dean,
and I promised to keep her safe from thunder buckets of crap like you.
Now, let the girl go,
and we'll leave you to whatever circle jerk you have planned for tonight.
That's tomorrow night. Tomorrow is Tuesday, right?
-Shut the fuck up, Barry. -Gender norms don't exist anymore.
Hey!
Give me the girl.
-We're leaving. - Sorry.
Can't.
We're on a mission to round up stragglers. And that means you too.
Gary... ...collar this dog.
Take another fucking step, and you're dead.
Well, fuck you, loser!
Oh, my God!
Is this what you were trying to do?
I was trying to cut it clean off. It was gonna be rad!
Get it out, fuck-knuckle.
Can't. It's stuck in the bone!
Bone.
Shut your face, Gary. Kill this guy.
Kill him a lot!
Hold on, Terry!
Get out of there, Sam!
Go! Sam!
Any of you shit-dips move,
and we have Burning Man Festival early.
Angelica?
Fuck!
Six months.
Six months looking for Sam, and just when I think I finally find her,
it's Angelica?
Angelica might be ten, but she's a total fuck--
I wanna say a word that I can't use
because I don't want to use bad words to describe young women.
I'm part of the solution.
Look, hey, Terry. Let's just forget about this, man.
You guys keep her.
You can't just leave me here, you sphincter stain.
-What about all that hero shit? -That was before I knew it was you.
-What's wrong with me? -Angelica,
I babysat you, like, three times,
and every time, you either tried to light me or my stuff on fire.
Sorry to interrupt,
but your sword is still stuck in my fucking hand!
Listen! I'm leaving.
And if you wanna live, you're not gonna follow.
Yeah, and why is that?
Because I just used my blade to make a PB&J.
Raspberry jam,
extra crunchy peanut butter.
And if you don't get an EpiPen,
you'll go into anaphylactic shock, right, Terry?
How did you know I have an allergy?
You may not know me...
but I know you, Terrence Markazian.
This is a nut-free campus. Sorry that I wasn't clear about that.
Justin Salts, Terrence Markazian...
Terrence Markazian...
they even smell a nut, it's death.
You just made the wrong enemy.
Your life is over, bro!
Toss yourself to the Ghoulies, they'll be kinder!
You'll never survive on your own!
I won't be alone once I find Sam.
You'd really leave me back there, all by myself, defenseless?
Oh, please. Even the Ghoulies are scared of you.
Hmm. Fucking mutants should be. They melt better than Barbie dolls.
Bye-bye, Angelica.
You didn't lace your sword with peanuts. You hate PB&J.
They don't know that.
Psychos get psychosomatic symptoms.
That's smart.
You're not smart.
The world is backwards, Angelica. I just fit in way better now.
The child who boasts like a man may count his pubes on one hand.
This is why I avoid people.
Because street samurai are a thing now.
Nice sword.
I see you listened to the wisdom I dropped, Joshua Wheeler.
Wesley Fists? This guy was a dick.
I've been trying to tell you.
Please let me put you on game.
You need a blade, Jaden.
That was rule number one in the 15th century.
Why not the 21st?
-Nice. -Nice?
This is an exact replica of the blade the legendary Toshirō Mifune
wielded in Throne of Blood.
So why do you have it?
We can't all be three-time world gymnastics champion, Kurt Thomas,
who employed the precision of gymnastics and the deadly force of karate
in the 1985 classic Gymkata.
No one gets your movie references, dude.
Josh understands what I'm talking about. Hey, yo, Vanilla Ice,
tell Hoyles here swords are the perfect weapon.
Oh, I mean, I don't know. I'd probably take a gun over a sword.
A gun? Guns don't have names.
Swords have all the best names.
Please, tell me what gun is better than a sword?
Uh, I don't know.
Sniper rifle?
A sniper rifle! How many rounds you think you got?
Awesome. Let's say a 30-round mag?
How long do you think that's gonna last you?
Not long.
All I gotta do is wait for your bullets to be gone,
and then answer...
with honed steel.
Patience is knowing the mulberry leaf will soon become a silk robe.
Principal Burr, back me up!
You would take a sword over a gun?
Oh, I don't know, Wes. I usually play Sombra in Overwatch.
You play as a girl?
Sombra has thermoptic camo. I like that.
You can't hit what you can't see.
And let's not talk about guns,
because if you do, technically, I have to write a police report,
and technically, they have to file that with the FBI,
and technically, you'll be on a watch list.
But I support all of our amendments, especially
your right to not be late for third period. Gentlemen.
What the fuck?
I'm sorry.
Oh, too slow! Stay goosey!
What do you want, Wesley?
If you're running with the Golf Club, you're missing a polo shirt.
I'm a pacifist now...
atoning for crimes I committed in my previous life,
on a path to enlightenment.
Don't start samurai crap with me. Your dad was my dentist.
Proper flossing has no impact on my dedication to the Bushido Code.
I've sworn an oath to help guide lost spirits through the wasteland.
I'm not lost.
-I just wanna find-- -Sam Dean?
I know.
I saw your tags.
"I am here." I did a little...
Sherlock-and-popping, figured you were fishing for her.
-Do you know where she is? -Well, I heard from Claire Richter,
who runs with the Cheermazons, that Scooter Kauffman heard the STEM Punk tribe
saw Sam hanging in the mall.
The mall is Baron Triumph territory.
I came to tell you that the soul stealer stole your lady.
Um, douchers? It's go time.
Hey!
I'm signaling Turbo for reinforcements.
-Trouble at the Golf Club, Mona. -Shut the fuck up.
Golfers don't rate as athletes. They've got tiny balls.
Besides, American Ninja Idol is on.
♪ Today is the greatest ♪
♪ Day I've ever known ♪
♪ Can't live for tomorrow ♪
Oh, shi--
That's good.
I did it! I won!
No.
Feel like hunting some new recruits?
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
- Where are you, Josh? - Can't hide forever.
- Here, Joshie, Joshie! - We're gonna find you.
Really? You think this is a good time to get high?
Bubonic Chronic helps me focus in times of stress.
Can I have a hit?
We are not lighting the Golf Team on fire.
Come on.
Yo!
This place has everything!
Food, water...
a tub of Aquaphor.
O negative blood for transfusions!
Quilted toilet paper.
Party supplies, Tide Pods... What are you washing?
Damn near all the Settlers of Catan.
I thought you would've been taken out in the first round, Josh Wheeler.
But check you out!
-I am impressed. - This is just my old apartment.
I just use it for storage.
Yeah, storage.
Flowers? Andes Mints?
-You expecting some company? -I thought that Sam might come here.
I've been looking for her for months.
I think what we had was special.
You know, it was weird. It was like...
a hit teen rom-com, but spread out over a bunch of episodes
that you could just binge in one sitting.
Let's cut to the montage?
♪ Staring in your eyes ♪
♪ Everything simplifies ♪
♪ Leave it all behind ♪
♪ Everything simplifies ♪
♪ All we need is nothing more ♪
♪ When everything simplifies ♪
♪ You and I need nothing more... ♪
Give me a sec to tidy up.
Whoa, I can handle a little mess.
What's so embarrassing?
Oh, just grabbing my Pokémon cards. You know, Pikachu, Charmander.
I even have a Mewtwo, which is... You know, gotta catch 'em all.
Just don't want you to think that I'm some kind of... weirdo.
"Call Grandma, no texts. The future scares her."
What's this?
That's, uh...
That's my mom.
After the divorce,
my mom got custody, and we moved here.
But she leaves the house at the crack of dawn
and doesn't get home until after dinner, so...
I have a Post-it parent.
Sam, meet my mom.
Mom... this is Sam.
And your Pokémon cards?
Uh, I actually have a huge collection, but they're back in Toronto with my dad.
Wow.
I am a weirdo.
But not a total weirdo.
Sorry, I just...
I don't want a pity peck for our first kiss. You know?
Josh...
You could be broody and bleak, but you're not.
Your superpower is your honesty.
Radical honesty.
You're not trying to be anyone else but yourself.
Thanks for telling me where Sam is.
You guys can just take whatever you want and go.
And what if Sam's not at the mall?
-What if she's dead? -She's not.
Look, my mom used to leave me Post-it notes, but this one...
this one is Sam's writing.
She left it here for me.
If Sam is out there, I'm not giving up.
Everyone can hear that... right?
Shit.
It's Turbo Bro Jock.
Turbo Bro?
You mean, Turbo Pokaski?
I can't believe some parent named their kid Turbo.
They might as well have named him Adolf or Bully.
Turbo gathered all the jocks into one tribe.
Football, baseball, golf, et cetera.
-He's the bad guy. - How'd they find us?
We found it here!
Bubonic Chronic.
Bubonic Chronic?
Wesley?
Little pig, little pig.
Let us in! Or we'll huff, and we'll puff,
and we'll kick the shit out of you.
We have to get out of here, Josh.
You and I are not a thing, Angelica.
If I kaboom those Jocks to ash, can I stay on your team?
I don't have a team.
I'm a genius with very flexible morality. You need me!
I agree with the petulant dwarf. You require our assistance.
Uh-uh. Both of you, unsubscribe. You two made my life hell in high school.
I've done a great many things that've besmirched my soul.
A rōnin seeks forgiveness through action.
Having other people around is just trouble, okay?
-I'm going to find Sam. That's it.
It's not on me to forgive you for being a jerk in high school, Wesley.
And I'm not babysitting you anymore, Angelica.
-Look, I'm sorry I was such a shit. -No, you're not.
No, I'm not. But we have no idea what's going on here.
We don't know why the adults turned into Ghoulies or why kids didn't.
But those are just kids out there.
Fascist bullies who saw Mad Max too many times and dressed like assholes,
but still kids.
The only way we're gonna find answers and survive is if we stay together.
These douchebags wanna party?
Let's throw 'em a real rager.
Throw the rocks!
Pussies!
They're not coming out, Turbo.
We gotta turn up, Turbo.
We're savage AF, Turbo.
No one ducks our tribe, Turbo.
Let's bust through this goal line, Turbo.
Yeah, Turbo!
I'm dirty! Josh!
Make it rain!
♪ Yours is a history that's written in stone ♪
♪ There was a lady who had built her own throne ♪
♪ You could have anything that you ever asked ♪
♪ To live in the moment and remove your mask ♪
Is that all you got, losers? You're gonna have to do better than that!
Ghoulies!
Holy shit!
We gotta go.
What did they do?
Get the fu--
- Come on. - Come on.
There's an alley off Lexington Ave. Goes straight to the mall.
You guys take that, I'll take Glendale to Colorado.
We need to stay together.
We stay together, they'll catch us. Those Jocks have a hard-on for me.
I'll lose them and meet you by the rear entrance of Dick's.
Rear.
Fine. Get your balls in gear, boys.
Uh...
Tracks!
You can run, but you can't hide, sucker!
God, I can't believe I'm gonna get caught.
And the worst part...
I'd probably still be with Sam if I just went to that dumb football game.
Hike!
Oh, shit.
Ah...
-Sam! - Josh!
-Sam, where are you? -I can't see. I'm bleeding!
Josh! Josh, follow emergency lockdown procedures! Find your buddy!
-I'm gonna find you! - Josh, I'm scared!
-I... Josh-- -Sam?
Sam!
You know what?
I promised Sam, and I'm not stopping until I find her.
Get him!
Nobody messes with the Golf Team!
Damn, these some chain chains.
Dead end.
There's a sale.
Ten percent off Groove Pants at Lululemon.
There's a sale.
Spark me, Samurai.
Ten percent off Groove Pants at Lululemon.
Stupid Russian-made flamethrower!
-I can't open it! -I'm almost empty.
-You gotta kill her! -There's a sale!
Ten percent off Groove Pants at Lululemon.
I'm a pacifist!
Plus, this poor white girl just wants some yoga pants.
As an empiricist, I find the need to redeem your soul
to be hopelessly naive and fucking stupid.
Oh, shit! My sword!
-You suck at hero-ing. -I saved your stupid lives, twice.
Now, hurry. Turbo's on my ass.
Um... No, he's not.
Why aren't they chasing you?
Baron Triumph.
Oh, shit.
Anyone know who the hell this twat herder really is?
I heard he's Marco Lions, that gearhead that lived in Hollywood.
Didn't your old bestie Jaden Hoyles ride a motorcycle like that?
Well, Hoyles is a real prick.
Whoever he is, here he comes.
What the...
So what's like life in the apocalypse?
It's never what you'd expect.