[spray paint can rattles]
[spraying]
So what's life like in the apocalypse?
It's never what you'd expect.
What are you doing?
Stop looking at me and turn around.
[exhales]
Is this the thing where you won't reveal Baron Triumph to make people watch?
You know they call that schmuck bait, right?
Like at the end of a season when they kill a main character,
but it's actually another dude's guts getting eaten by zombies,
and the guy that you love is fine.
People hate that.
No way, I'm not going in the mall.
The most embarrassing story of my life happened in there,
and I never wanna live it again.
It'd be like stabbing myself in the heart,
pulling it out, eating it, pooping it, and then putting it back into my chest.
Okay, fine. Shit, let's just go.
There weren't chains in my flashback.
So I'm here to hang with Sam,
even though I kind of told her I hate the mall.
No one really like malls today. They're dying.
Online shopping is popping a cap in the ass
of these monuments of capitalism,
but it wasn't always that way.
The first mall in America was built in Edina, Minnesota, in 1956.
It had ample parking, always 70 degrees,
and skylights made every day sunny.
I mean, you could be handsome or beautiful...
or you could eat anything you want.
Wanna try our dill pickle gelato?
Yes. Yes, I would. Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
Ugh!
Truth is, malls are important.
The first mall was built in sixth-century Athens, and it changed us forever.
The hunters fighting for survival
became shoppers hunting for a good Labor Day mattress sale.
-Oh... -[Hoyles] Oooh.
Looks like Wheeler launched a preemptive strike in his pants.
-[Wesley] Damn! -Premie creamy.
-[Turbo] Hoyles, you're the worst. -[laughs]
What're you gonna do?
[Josh groans]
[gasps]
Oh...
[sighs]
Here's another reason I hate the mall: pants.
I have a long torso, and I can never find pants in my size.
Nothing fits.
Ugh.
Point is, I, like my pants,
didn't fit in. But now, today,
I'm living the Armageddon dream.
I have everything I ever wanted:
freedom, cars, big jar of Nutella.
Only thing I'm missing is... Sam.
And I'd never see her again if I threw down with Baron Triumph.
But then, this happened.
'Sup, turds.
This is who we've been scared of?
A light breeze could kick his ass.
[Wesley] I thought it was gonna be Hoyles. This is...
Who is this again?
It's Eli.
You may not remember him, but you've all seen Eli before.
Eli Cardashyan?
I prefer Eazy-E.
Eli isn't a real Kardashian Kardashian. Same name...
spelled different, which explains most everything about Eli.
I am the definition of cultural appropriation.
Eli's parents only bought knockoffs. Check his kicks.
Pikeys, not Nikes...
with a fish, not a swoosh.
What're you gonna do?
And I know what you're thinking. How can this kid be a killer cannibal?
He's not. Look closer.
Shoulder pads, lifts in his boots.
It's not even a Triumph motorcycle.
And training wheels?
[laughs] It's fine.
It's fine!
He's a knockoff Baron Triumph.
Knockoff?
Yo, I'm the OG gangsta of the SG Valley.
King of bling, raja of the shopping center.
Sure, fine, but who else is here with you?
Where's Sam Dean?
-Do I look like her publicist? -Sam's not here?
Sorry, it's just me and my girlf, Mavis.
You have the entire mall? You?
I'm dominating.
While you nooblets have been playing the apocalypse on easy mode,
I'm the boss level.
You used aluminum foil to write "Triumph" on your bike.
Pshht!
After the bomb exploded and everyone scampered like Smurfs,
who came here and locked this shit tighter than a nun's vag?
Eli. Who's living like the Sultan of Dubai?
-Eli. -You mean the Sultan of Brunei.
What? No. Where is Brunei, huh?
Dubai, where sultans like me rule empires.
You know, one lap a day dressed like this keeps all you looters away,
so how you like me now, Wesley Fists?
I like you just fine.
-Why wouldn't I? -Oh, we are mortal enemies,
like Moriarty and Holmes. Batman and the Joker.
Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar.
You are my nemesis, and I will have revengeance.
Who are you again?
[motorcycle engine revs]
Look what you assholes did! You brought the death demon here!
Us? You're the one imitating him. It was probably your tricycle.
-Faster, he's almost here. -[Eli] Get your own mall, this one's mine.
We're finna get eaten out here.
Got it.
Hey!
[Angelica] There's power and air conditioning.
[Josh] Everything is so clean.
It still smells like Cinnabon.
Solar panels on the roof.
This is an island of paradise in an ocean of poop.
[metallic clanging]
This way, quick.
Go under. We'll be safe in here.
What the hell?
I'm not sharing my kingdom with you sheep.
No one busts into Eli's mall. And don't even try to escape.
Every door is locked or booby trapped.
[laughs]
Booby.
Wesley Fists led the state in sacks last season.
Take him out, Samurai.
To fight someone so obviously inferior would be dishonorable.
One punch, Wesley, come on.
-One punch. -Such actions go against my code.
Code? You never even lifted a finger when Hoyles used to fuck with me.
This isn't about what we did in high school, Joshua.
[woman screaming]
What the fuck is in here with us?
Ooh, a Ghoulie witch.
Once upon a time,
she was a normal girl who liked hanging out at the mall.
But now, she's got mad powers, and she will fuck your shit up.
She is unkillable, and she is hangry. [chuckles]
There's no such thing as witches.
Well, a few months ago, there weren't mutant squirrels or Ghoulies either.
That's right. And when the Witch eats your intestines like spaghetti,
you'll think, "I never should've dissed King Eli."
Eli...
[sighs] Don't worry. I'll convince him to let you out.
I'mma go full Gandhi on his ass.
Hunger strike.
[Witch screaming]
[grunts]
[Jerry] Nice form.
Perfect spiral. It's my fault you missed my face, Turbo.
Stop trying to brownnose the boss, Jerry.
We don't deserve this shit.
Yeah, we did our job rounding up laggers, scouting tribes for you to conquer.
We're full-fledged Lemon Pledge. Teamwork makes the dream work.
[Mona] You boys are faux jocks.
You're here by the grace of Turbo.
And how do you repay his charity?
You cost him his perfect record, 18 and 0 versus the apocalypse.
Defeated by a complete unknown.
-A rookie! -His name is Josh.
Tennis Josh?
-No. -Little Josh with the big truck?
-Nope. -Gay Josh or Other Gay Josh?
Just Josh. Josh Wheeler.
[yells]
You know what you need, Turbo? A win.
Get rid of the stank of defeat with the antiperspirant of victory.
-What do you know of victory, Terry? -[Gary] That's Jerry.
-Terry's dead. -R-I-P, Terry.
-Playing the back nine in heaven. -Shh.
I'm captain now, says so on my shirt.
You know, Turbo, you're a conqueror who pwns.
Make the other tribes pay for the protection you provide.
Assert your authority.
You'll see just how well you are loved.
Should we send up a group text
and make these plebes suck up to your apex-ness?
-[grunts] -[groans]
[coughing] Ouch.
[retching]
[Angelica] We can't open the gate.
It's rigged with an IED.
This is some Hunger Games-level shit.
But the truth is, this place is awesome.
There's food, beds, and a ton of hair straighteners.
[Witch screaming]
So there's a critter problem.
My parents' home had raccoons. Sames.
-I can take care of varmints. -Wait, we're not killing anyone.
This was the last place Sam was seen.
She's the only kid I knew who loved the mall.
What if she's this Witch?
-You think she turned Ghoulie? -You said it yourself.
We have no idea what's going on.
If there's even a chance, I have to help Sam.
Eye roll. You only like Sam 'cause she may have touched your dick.
[sighs] This is not about getting some handy from some rando.
This is love.
Sam is the only actual good person I have ever met.
Here,
let me show you.
Sam. Hey!
Hey. Bold trousers.
Pretty cool, right?
-Yeah. -[chuckles] So...
what are we doing here?
You and I are gonna save the world.
How are two teenagers in the mall gonna accomplish that?
Vlogging. Get your phone out.
Vlog-- vlogging? That's a little yesterday of you.
Look, there's so much shit-shaming going on people's Insta stories and posts,
we're all Novocained.
I just wanna see what happens
if/when people get an actual, real-life compliment.
Not everyone deserves a compliment.
Oh, I'm so gonna prove you wrong, Eeyore.
If I had a gauntlet, I'd throw it.
Well, there's a sale at the gauntlet depot.
[laughs]
Um...
Okay, okay, start with Huntley over there.
Oh. Challenge accepted.
Roll the camera.
Hey, Jess... Jessica.
Um...
So I'm making this vlog, and I just wanted to say...
I love your taste in music. Beastie Boys deep cuts
and The Regrettes. Your playlists are on lock repeat.
Thanks.
Your memes are social currency.
They are!
[laughs]
-Principal Burr. -Hi, Sam.
You have a kind and compassionate heart.
Oh, well, thank you. That's all that cardio.
Mona. Mona, hi, hello.
I just wanted to tell you, you have the best tits.
Like, fearless cleavage.
You're a femme future leader.
If you're making fun of me, Sam Dean, I swear I'll gas-pedal your box.
[inaudible]
See, this is why people love Sam...
because she cares about everyone.
Hey, why the face?
It's not like I'm not having fun, you know, saving the world and all,
I just... I don't know, I thought that we were gonna hang.
[sniffs]
Are you wearing Drakkar Noir?
-Spritzed by an overzealous perfumer. -Hair brushed, nice shirt, those pants.
Please stop talking about the pants.
You look like you're about to hit up brunch at the Olive Garden.
Who doesn't like brunch?
You didn't think this was a hang. You thought this was a hang hang.
I just... I thought that we... we'd...
You wanna know what I love about you, Josh Wheeler?
[Sam] What the shit, Hoyles?
[Hoyles] Hey, Fap Rag.
Scuffed my kicks. Lick 'em clean, loser.
Wesley, call off your dog.
No one controls Hoyles.
You just gotta microwave popcorn and enjoy the show.
-Turbo, come on. -I'm posting this to WorldStar.
Just because you were held back three years
doesn't mean you have to be such a fucking prick, Hoyles.
Get down and taste my leather,
or I will destroy your face.
[scoffs]
[Sam] Josh. Josh!
[panting] Sam won the bet.
Our video made everyone feel...
you know, loved.
Except you. You ran away from Hoyles.
Sam must've been so attracted to the smell of your pussy after that.
[Witch screaming]
Stay here.
Do you even know how hard it is to catch a Ghoulie?
My dad taught me about hunting.
You couldn't catch herpes
if you stuck your dick in a jello ambrosia made of hooker saliva and pineapples.
Just because there are no parents,
doesn't mean you have to swear like a racist grandma.
Please, I haven't changed.
Well, I have.
I'm not running away. I'm saving Sam.
[banging]
[Witch yells]
[snarling]
[Josh] Sam!
[growls]
Sam?
[growls]
[Angelica singing] ♪ I'm a little teapot, short and stout ♪
♪ Here is my handle Here is my spout ♪
♪ When I get all steamed up Hear me shout ♪
♪ Tip me over And pour me out ♪
[growls]
Shit.
[growls]
Angelica!
Dummy.
-Dummy? -[Angelica] Hey, dummy.
[screams]
So, is that thing your girly-friend?
Sam? It's me.
-It's Josh. -[Witch] Josh.
Josh Wheeler?
Yeah! That's right.
Josh Wheeler?
Present.
That's not Sam. That's not fucking Sam at all.
That's not Sam. Not Sam. I'm not fucking Sam at all. Not at all.
Ms. Crumble?
You guys remember Ms. Crumble, right?
-Jaden Unger. -[Jaden] Yeah.
Jaden Hoyles.
[Hoyles] New phone, who dis?
[students laugh]
Josh Wheeler?
Hey!
What's up your butt? This is amazing.
It's just my biology teacher.
You dim bulb, you're missing the point.
She's a grown-up who can say more than one sentence.
-She survived! -No.
This is not survival.
This is like having your eyes Krazy Glued open
and being forced to watch Teletubbies.
Kids! Kids! Kids! Kids! Kids! Kids! Kids! Kids! Kids! Kids! Kids! Kids!
Hey! Settle down!
[crying]
[Eli] Save me, Lord, from evildoers.
May red-hot coals fall on their faces and burn them.
May they be thrown in a vat of acid or other stuff that hurts.
And by evildoers, Lord,
I'm talking about Baron Triumph and anyone who breaks in my mall to swipe my shit.
Including Wesley Fists,
who is my nemesis and deserves to have his testicles munched on by fire ants.
Your peaceful servant, Eli.
I don't think that's from the Bible.
It's new. The Book of Judgy.
If Triumph figures out how to get in here, we're toast.
I mean, literally. Look at me, I'm delicious.
I don't know why you harbor ill will toward me,
but you should let Josh and Angelica out to fight off Triumph.
I have a zero tolerance immigration policy.
If you don't want to be detained with the Ghoulie Witch, don't come.
You let your girlfriend Mavis in.
-Where is she at? Let me talk to her. -You can't. Mavis is shy.
[thudding]
[mouthing]
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist, Eli.
Indira Gandhi said that.
[lighter clicks]
You smoke top-shelf dank. You must have some hard munchies.
Look there.
Chocolate, corn syrup, and, mmm,
that sweet-ass hydrogenated soybean oil. Whoo!
I mean, I prefer hydrogenated palm kernel oil,
but I'm starving.
Where did you get an anvil?
Target.
Your survival tactics are based on cartoons.
You're not Bugs Bunny.
And you're not a samurai.
You're a true piece of shit, Wesley Fists.
I worked for a year at my aunt's threading salon.
I plucked thousands of thick, black leg hairs
off ancient Armenian grandmas.
It was all so I could buy a pair of turtledove Yeezy knockoffs.
And the day I unboxed my shoes,
you and Hoyles chased me down and stole my kicks.
And when they didn't fit you, you tossed them over a telephone wire.
The child I was is not the man I hope to become.
How different can you really be?
How pacifist are you, samurai?
[grunting]
[groans]
I'm sorry for what I did to you.
Do you feel better?
-Kinda. -Me too.
[clicks]
[laughs]
Were you looking for the real gate keys? [laughs]
This fucking boy.
[heavy metal music playing]
[music stops]
Tribes of Glendale,
how will you honor the great Turbo Bro Jock?
The Disciples of Kardashia offer you kegs of IPA Gold.
[sheep bleats]
This is not like the watered-down swill
that we had to overpay Lonny for at the Gas and Gulp
when our fake IDs didn't work at Vons.
No, tonight,
you party with keg stands and beer pong.
-[grunts] -Next!
I am Melkyar Darksbane, formerly known as Beth,
of the tribe Animal Style of clan 4-H.
Thanks to your beneficence,
we have bred a healthy and thick stock of sheep.
-[grunts] -Next!
STEM Punks have nothing to offer.
You dare come empty-handed?
Well, uh, we built your empire:
engineered those generators, constructed those sweet-ass rides.
Any tech we salvage, any food we find, you bully us into handing it over.
We have nothing.
Face it,
you're assholes.
[crowd gasps]
Turbo?
Oh... [laughs]
-Oh, the shit worked! -Yes!
We're in charge now.
Geeks have inherited the Earth.
Finally, people will bow down to science.
Everybody, bow down to us!
I said bow. I said bow!
[low growl]
[boy 1] He's alive!
[boy 2] He's alive!
[low growl]
[boy 1] Turbo lives.
[Turbo grunts]
You nerds don't have dibs on smarts.
Finally found a use for the Golf Team.
[grunts]
You broke the Emma González Accords.
We're not playing with guns.
For these crimes,
the STEM Punks will be giving us the gift of their lives.
Tonight, we party like it's Friday.
Shabbat shalom, bitches!
[cheering]
-[Jock] Get him! -[indistinct cheering]
[low growl]
[grunts, pants]
[screaming]
[grunting]
[growling]
Ms. Crumble was my teacher,
one of the few that I even liked,
and she was actually there that day at the mall with Sam.
[boy coughing]
Shh.
Hey, Ms. Crumble.
Have you seen that Josh Wheeler kid around?
-Who? -Never mind.
[whispers] Hi!
Hey.
-How long have you been in here? -Almost all day.
Also hid in a bathroom and under a mattress.
Are you hungry? I, um... Let's see. I have...
crushed Goldfish and stale SkinnyPop.
Oh, crushed Goldfish, please.
If Hoyles is trying to kick your ass, why don't you just leave?
Those stupid jocks are everywhere,
and Sam Dean has my phone. I can't find her.
You don't think that maybe you can get them to stop, do you, Ms. Crumble?
[scoffs]
Oh, you know my name's not Crumble, right?
Oh, my God. I cried in class once
'cause I couldn't get these stupid kids to stop looking at their phones.
[sighs] I just lost my shit.
From then on, everyone started calling me Crumble.
Everyone. Students, parents, teachers.
Why don't you just correct them?
Someone hacked into the school computer,
so now all my class lists come up as Ms. Crumble,
and, oh, my parking pass says "Ms. Crumble."
And every time I try to change it, it just goes right back.
Well, what's your real name?
Doesn't matter,
'cause my checks were made out to Ms. Crumble,
and the bank wouldn't cash them, so...
I had to legally change my name to Ms. Crumble.
God, that's the worst hero origin story ever, right?
[exhales sharply] Okay, you know, the mall doesn't close for another five hours,
so you might be here a while, and I'm gonna...
I'm sorry that I can't help you.
Look, I gotta go.
No! You can't leave now.
This is a big fucking deal here. She's not like other Ghoulies.
She talks. Listen.
Did you know that dragonflies have shovel-shaped penises?
See? She says words and has thoughts.
She is still a kind of person. Maybe there are other ones like her.
Maybe our parents aren't gone gone.
We have to stay here and study her.
There is no "we," Angelica. I get that you miss your mom, but this?
She's not gonna bring your parents back.
I need to go and find Sam.
As soon as I figure out how to get past Eli's locked and booby-trapped doors.
I can get you out.
I have a key.
Where did I put it?
Ladies? Have you seen my keys?
[shushes]
[mutters]
I put them on a clapper. Okay.
[beeping]
See? I knew they were here, I just have to find them.
[beeping]
I think the sound is coming from you.
I remember now. I ate the keys.
I needed the iron. Hold on.
[hisses and gurgles]
This is the best thing I have ever seen,
and I once saw a robot kill a monkey in a knife fight in Thailand.
[gurgling]
Hi, Nikki, there you are.
Hey, did you see my keys down there?
She says they're further down, but I cannot reach them.
I'll do it!
Your arms are like little nubs!
But your arms are...
big and tender, Josh.
Are you gonna eat my arm?
I don't know.
[laughs]
-Josh? -Yeah, just a sec.
[sighs]
Okay.
[softly] Be the flow.
[soft growl]
[groans]
[groaning]
Almost, almost!
Got it!
Ugh!
[exhales deeply]
I'll see you around.
Josh?
Come on. You're no hunter.
You're running away, just like you did from Hoyles.
You could have a tribe here. We could learn so much.
Why do you think you have to do this all alone?
-Bye-bye, Angelica-- -[grunting]
Oh! Fuck! Get off me now! Shit!
Crapsicles! I left my molotovs in my bag.
-[Josh] Get off me! -Don't die!
[growling]
[motorcycle revving]
You see anything?
[Eli] I don't see shit.
[clanging]
Please tell me that's one of your traps.
That's not my booby.
[Wesley] Where are we?
What's that stench?
This elevator leads to the dumpsters.
No one in their right mind would come in that way.
Triumph isn't in his right mind.
[elevator starts]
Yo, he's coming up up. Shut the power down.
No! Hell no! By the time I get there, he'll already be inside.
We have to hold the line here.
You ain't Leonidas. This ain't Sparta!
Triumph has fully modded heavy armor.
Your arrows might as well be Nerf.
Then draw your sword and help me fight.
Check it. I'm a pacifist.
My highness can't help Your Highness,
but I know two people who can.
-[Josh groans] -[Ghoulie] There's a sale.
Ten percent off Groove Pants at Lululemon.
[growls]
This sucks!
I always thought that my death would be epic.
You know, like one of those scenes they put on '70s vans.
Like me and Sam versus a horde of Ghoulies.
But my life isn't even flashing before my eyes.
All I see is one single moment.
If only I called her,
or taken a few more steps, I'd have found Sam.
But I hesitated.
I was scared.
[explosion]
-[rumbling] -[glass shattering]
[growling]
Oh, shit!
[grunts]
[Josh] Oh, God.
-Eli? -You better be worth it.
Come on.
[grunting]
-I can't hold it! -All right, let him in.
[ululates]
Hoyles! Man!
This does not need to end in violence.
-Wes! -[heavy breathing]
-[groans] -[screaming]
[Crumble grunting]
[speaking in Spanish]
What the fuck was that?
-I wanted to help you. -How did you get out of the store?
I can turn myself into a mist,
and then I float through the cracks. Watch!
[Crumble grunts]
♪ Are you ready, girls and boys? ♪
♪ Are you ready to make some noise? ♪
♪ Are you ready to lose control? ♪
♪ Are you ready... ♪
Move!
RIP, Harry.
-That was Jerry. -Brother gave his life for a noble cause.
So we can get wasted, eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow--
-We die? -No.
What? Die? No.
Tomorrow's weight training, leg day.
And we never, never skip leg day!
Who wants it?
Figure it out.
-Here, bro. -Here.
[Larry] Bro. Bro!
You're missing the party.
Why are you in here?
What's on your mind, hoss?
[Sam] So I'm making this vlog, and I just wanted to say... I love your taste in mu--
So, can we trust her?
[Angelica] She only attacked me 'cause I was bleeding.
But everything she's eating is high in iron,
so she's trying to find something to feed on other than blood.
That shows intelligence.
If eating pillow stuffing is intelligent, I'm Stephen Hawking.
She didn't eat Josh, and she just saved our lives from Triumph.
-[Wesley] Maybe she does have superpowers? -[Eli] Yeah.
She stinks worse than my papy's... [speaks Armenian]
I don't know what that means, and I don't wanna,
but for reals, thanks for letting us stay.
I love my girl Mavis and all,
but maybe I was kinda lonely.
I get why you kept everyone out of this place. It is...
-cherry. -Yeah.
And, Eli,
I'm sorry for all the things I did to you in the past.
It's cool.
And the present.
You're a dick.
We can't trust that you won't kill us in our sleep, so you stay on your side,
we stay on ours.
[laughs]
You think I'm gonna let you take half my shit?
Nah, you'll do whatever I want.
You belong to me, Wesley Fists.
I know your secret.
Everyone knows I'm gay. Wake up, nobody cares about that shit anymore.
Not that. The other secret.
The reason you're a pacifist.
I know what you did in the apocalypse.
I know all, Samurai. I know all!
[Angelica] You're no hunter. You're running away,
just like you did from Hoyles.
You could have a tribe here. We could learn so much.
Why do you think you have to do this all alone?
[imitates echo] Alone. Alone.
Angelica!
Get the fuck out of here.
[sighs] Shit.
You can stop hiding now.
I know this is weird and all,
but you and I, we need to talk.
But does the world end if we do?
This isn't a time travel paradox.
You're from the future. I'm from the past.
Kinda sounds like time travel.
No, this is just a visual representation of talking to yourself.
I'm remembering this moment, how you, or I, felt hiding in the bathroom.
-God, I hate malls. -And pants.
Fucking pants.
[laughs]
-So the world doesn't end if we talk? -Oh, no, the world ends.
It's just not our fault.
Oh, shit. For real?
-Sorry. -Don't be.
We're actually crushing the apocalypse. We have everything we ever wanted:
-freedom, cars, a sword. -With the big jar of Nutella?
The big jar of Nutella.
Nice.
So, how does it end?
War, I think. Korea, Russia, Taylor Swift.
There was a meme with a cat. Honestly, I wasn't paying attention.
No, not the end of the world.
The end of my story.
Hoyles beats the shit out of you.
[sighs] That's a really shitty ending.
I know.
That's why I'm here.
I'm here to remind you that you have to embrace the pain.
No matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets,
because...
because Sam is worth it.
This helped.
[sighs deeply] Thanks.
[sighs]
It wasn't for you.
["This Year" playing]
♪ I broke free on a Saturday morning ♪
♪ I put the pedal to the floor ♪
♪ Headed north on Mills Avenue ♪
♪ And listened to the engine roar ♪
♪ I am gonna make it through this year ♪
♪ If it kills me ♪
-Loser. -Later, bitch.
Oh, my God. Josh.
-Hey. -Hey.
Here, put this on.
You must think I'm such a coward.
You wanna know what I love about you?
Your trousers.
[laughs]
♪ I am gonna make it through this year ♪
♪ If it kills me ♪
[screaming]
-What the hell are you doing? -I have to cut my hand off.
I got bit. I can't turn into a Ghoulie.
Oh, you poor, sad, stupid asshole.
They're not zombies. This isn't The Walking Dead.
If you asked me, you'd still have your finger, schmuck.
So what's life like in the apocalypse...