[spray paint can rattles]
[spraying]
[inaudible]
[Ms. Crumble] Miss Dean?
Sorry?
What are the three polymorphic qualities of the sunflower?
Polymorphic qualities?
It can be more than one thing.
Uh... Right.
Yes, uh, the sunflower...
is a food.
It is also, um...
an anti-inflammatory medicine,
and it is also...
quite fetching.
Well, not bad for not paying attention.
[students laugh]
[Ms. Crumble] Yes, the sunflower is food and medicine,
but it is also a hyperaccumulator,
which means it can remove
radiation and heavy metals from contaminated soil.
So it is a very powerful...
and yes, very pretty...
flower,
my queen.
[laughs]
Hyperaccumulator.
Okay. So, you can see it's bringing up all of the heavy metals.
The lead, the zinc, the nickel...
[bell ringing]
[Principal Burr] [over speaker] Black alert. All students and staff,
there was a tree nut incident on campus.
While homemade, gluten-free, flax meal cupcakes might seem harmless,
there are invisible dangers in every kitchen.
Remember your ABC's.
A, allergies are serious.
B, bring packaged food, that is labeled nut free...
-Killin' it, Sam. -Thanks.
...and is not made on shared equipment with nuts.
C, carry your EpiPen.
Luckily, the afflicted individual only experienced moderate anaphylaxis
before being treated by Nurse Megan.
Remember, serious allergies don't only affect your fellow students,
but staff as well.
You never know who might be susceptible.
Now, let's all enjoy a safe, nut-free pep rally.
Buzz! Buzz!
Too much?
-Hey. -Hi.
Homecoming, y'all!
[All] Whoo!
-Put them on notice! -Whoo!
-We gonna play! -Whoo!
["Someone to Love" plays]
♪ I don't want to give up ♪
♪ Everybody wants love ♪
♪ Tell me how you got here ♪
♪ Oh, no, tell me if you still care ♪
♪ You don't wanna be here ♪
♪ That to me is very clear ♪
♪ Love is like a hot mess ♪
♪ Oh, no, girl, you know I need this ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Someone to love ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ I wanted someone to love ♪
♪ Burn me up and over ♪
♪ Flip over your shoulder ♪
♪ Dukes up in the daisies ♪
♪ No, girl Girl, you turning crazy ♪
♪ Blood over the carpet ♪
♪ Oh, no, I can't seem to stop it ♪
♪ Leave me on the floor, dear ♪
♪ 'Cause there's nothing left to see here ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Someone to love ♪
-[coughing] -[laughs]
Give...
[breathing heavily]
I'm starving.
Let's get Postmates.
What do you fancy?
Um...
The Cheesecake Factory?
You always want the Cheesecake Factory.
-They have something for everyone. -We're getting ramen.
-No. It has hard boiled eggs. -You can get it without the eggs.
But it has seaweed.
You can get it without the seaweed.
You know, the Cheesecake Factory has soup.
It's time to expand your horizons, Josh.
What are you ordering?
Is it ramen?
Sam, I really don't like ramen.
Or is it Mexican? 'Cause I don't like Mexican either.
I like nachos, but they don't travel.
Well, I don't like sushi.
I don't like Chinese. I don't like Thai food. Lemongrass is disgusting.
Or falafel.
No Indian.
No curry.
No yogurt.
Nothing green.
No phuh.
Or pho?
Am I saying it right? Pha?
Whatever it is, I don't like it.
[sighs]
Are you seriously not gonna tell me what you ordered?
You're just gonna have to wait 43 minutes until our driver Wyatt arrives.
So...
what could we possibly do in 43 minutes?
Are we...
Are we really doing sex?
We are really doing sex.
And it's not the weed?
No.
I mean, it's a smidge of the weed, but more of the I want to.
Mm... On a Friday, before lunch?
-Are you changing the Postmates order? -No.
This is a consent app.
It lets each person know what the other is willing or not willing to do.
This is a really long list.
Yeah, well, there's a lot of different positions,
different appetites.
Different people get aroused by different things.
What's pegging?
You wouldn't be interested in that.
A Lucky Pierre?
We can't even do that.
Oh, Strawberry Shortcake.
What's that?
It's not the same as the Cheesecake Factory.
Huh.
Okay.
Josh.
-Josh. -Yeah?
Come on.
Do you want to have sex with me?
Yes.
Do I want to have sex with you?
Yes.
We have achieved consent.
Wait.
Hang on.
Just a sec.
[sighs]
[phone vibrating]
-[Sam] Oh, your mom's calling. -[Josh] Decline.
[phone vibrates]
She's calling again.
Do you think she knows we ditched?
I don't know. Maybe. Probably not.
Might she be coming back early?
Uh... No, she's in San Diego today.
Even if she left now, she wouldn't be back 'till...
what? Eight?
[phone dings]
Oh, she's texted.
What does it say?
"Call your dad."
Do you want to call your dad, Josh?
Josh?
What are you doing in there?
[pop music playing]
Nice sheets.
Oh, um, they're satin.
I had a 20% off coupon at Bed Bath & Beyond.
I also got them in taupe, if you prefer that.
No.
These are just brilliant.
Cool.
Oh, the candle's rosewater scented.
[sniffs] Oh! Yes it is.
You have achieved peak chill, my friend.
Oh...
-Here. -Oh.
Thanks.
Here.
Thanks.
Here.
Is it in?
No.
Okay, um...
Oh. How about now?
Uh...
No.
I'm sorry. I keep slipping.
Yeah, it's the sheets.
Maybe we should switch to taupe.
I don't think that's the issue.
Okay, um...
-Maybe if you just... -I... Okay.
Let me do this.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Now's the time when you move around and stuff.
Great.
-Got it. -Yeah.
Okay.
Oh!
[Sam screams] Fuck!
-I'm really sorry I broke your face. -I'm fine.
Let me look.
-It's still bleeding. -Okay, yeah, just...
just give it a minute.
Sam, we should go to the ER.
Then our parents will know we ditched.
-You might have a bruise. -Yeah.
Nothing makeup can't fix.
But you're homecoming queen.
Gender neutral royalty.
No.
No, definitely a queen.
I've been practicing my wave.
That's very elegant.
I am British.
You know, you're not taking this very seriously.
It's just a thing that happened.
No, you made this happen with your video.
I just wanted to make people feel good.
I didn't mean to generate a following, or become an influencer,
or a queen.
You know when my dad used to take me hunting,
he'd tell me Arthurian legends.
Now, I hated hunting,
but I liked pretending that I was a knight,
King Arthur.
I'd make myself a sword
and a shield with three crowns,
just like Arthur.
I'd go on quests through the forest searching for my Guinevere.
Hey. Guinevere was Lancelot's sidepiece.
Only in some versions, yes.
In others, she was kidnapped by King Melwas.
King Arthur spent a year gathering an army just to rescue her.
But Arthur and Guinevere fought monsters, and witches, and Amazons.
Guinevere wanted to save the world.
You wanted to save the world.
You are a queen.
[laughs]
I'm sorry I broke your face.
[chuckles]
It'll get better,
the sex.
It's just those sheets, man.
-I thought satin would be romantic. -Yeah. Very, very romantic.
Unfortunately, one cannot achieve thrust against satin.
[laughs]
I didn't think you wanted to look at Yoda or Luke Skywalker.
You know sex doesn't have to be on a bed.
It could be...
on a table,
a chair,
a sofa,
the kitchen counter, if you're both the right height,
the bathroom, the shower,
but not every shower.
The one with the bench or the cubbyhole.
What you're really looking for is leverage.
That is a lot of places.
Not really.
I mean, I haven't had sex...
uh, on a boat, or a train,
most modes of transportation.
Blimps. No blimps.
Not that one does much blimp riding.
I mean, zeppelins might come back into fashion,
but I don't think I'll ever be into public fornication.
Your face has gone all pouty.
I'm... I'm fine.
No one's first time is good.
I thought it was our first time.
The satin sheets.
-Of course. -I thought this was special.
It is special.
It's not exactly how I pictured it.
Satin sheets and a broken hymen?
How many people have you slept with?
Was it with anyone that I know?
Does it matter?
No.
Okay, that pause was so big,
they're gonna use it as the mansion on the next season of The Bachelor.
It doesn't matter, okay? Just forget it.
The peas are melting.
Twenty-two.
I've slept with 22 people.
Wait.
Thirty...
...ish.
Or was it 40?
Forty-three.
Fifty blokes...
and girls,
and a contortionist from Cirque du Soleil,
and Hoyles.
Twice.
It's just a question.
-I'm just curious. -Does it change how you see me?
I just don't know why you didn't tell me about this, Sam.
I don't know why I would.
Because we're together?
It's not 1950. I'm not your girl.
We're what, then?
You are such a child.
The consent app has my sexual history.
Take a gander if you're so fucking curious.
I may not be a virgin, Josh,
but you did make me bleed.
That...
That's my mom's bedroom!
Sam?
[thumping]
Sam!
What are you doing?
["Seashore" playing]
♪ You're talkin' to me like a child ♪
♪ Hey, I've got news I'm not a little girl ♪
♪ And no, I won't give you a little twirl ♪
♪ You're talkin' to me like I'm sad ♪
♪ Hey, I've got news I'm not doin' too bad ♪
♪ Even though sometimes I might get real mad ♪
♪ You're talkin' to me like a child ♪
♪ But my words are growin' stronger ♪
♪ And my legs keep gettin' longer ♪
♪ I'm like nobody else ♪
♪ So you can just go fuck yourself ♪
♪ I do a lot of stupid stuff ♪
♪ But don't act like you're so tough
♪ Fight fire with fire And you'll get burned ♪
♪Hey, I think right about now Is your turn ♪
♪ Earplugs won't save you anymore ♪
♪ They'll leave you washed up On the seashore ♪
[doorbell rings]
[delivery man] Postmates.
Hey.
Good afternoon.
Um... Sorry it took me so long to get...
You ordered, like, a lot of food.
Could you take it to the kitchen?
It's just there.
Oh, yeah.
[sighs heavily]
One more.
Sam.
You guys must be really hungry.
Yeah.
I'm, like, so, so starving.
[man chuckles awkwardly]
Okay. Um...
All right.
Okay, that's, uh...
everything.
Do you want me to, you know, make sure you
got it all?
Yeah. [clears throat]
I'm gonna go.
An absolute pleasure, darling. Ta-ta!
Okay.
This...
is Bazun Chet Jiao.
Batsun Chet Jow.
Bazun Chet Jiao.
What is it?
It's Burmese shrimp.
Right?
It's good.
-Okay, next. -Yeah.
This dip, here?
Armenian muhammara.
Try that.
Mm.
Oh. This Shandong beef roll will change your life forever.
-That's good. -The best.
Wait, what's in here?
[Sam gasps]
Peanut cup fudge ripple...
from The Cheesecake Factory.
You know, just in case you hated all this.
You're smart and sophisticated and can say stuff like...
Bazun Jet Jow.
Bazun Chet Jiao.
And I like The Cheesecake Factory.
You, Josh, are real...
and terrifically uncomplicated.
Hey, were you really going to do anything with that Postmates driver?
I wanna go swimming.
You know, we're supposed to wait an hour to go in the pool after we eat.
[squeals]
-[groans] -No, please. I like it.
I love you.
[laughs]
[chuckles]
Yeah, don't say that.
No, but I do.
You don't know enough about me to know if you love me.
Whoa, are...
Are you crying?
No.
It's just...
everyone has this idea about me...
but no one knows me.
I mean, they want me to carry roses on the homecoming float.
-Roses. -What's wrong with roses?
A homecoming queen with roses. My sash should say #obvious.
Oh, being homecoming queen is a big deal.
Why are you hating on it?
I only won because of that stupid video.
Everyone loves your video.
Have you read the comments?
@LoboLover said,
"I bet Sam Dean thinks her British accent makes her sound charming,
but really she sounds like Arya Stark's incest baby."
User 5318008 said,
"I like Sam's video. The only thing it's missing is tits...
because she has none."
Those are just haters and trolls.
Everyone needed to see how amazing you are.
But that's not me, Josh.
It's the best parts of me cut together with great music.
I wish you hadn't posted it.
What kind of flower would you rather carry?
A sunflower.
Sunflowers are polymorphs.
They can be more than one thing at once.
They're food, medicine,
and they can even absorb heavy metals and radiation.
We, you and I, Josh,
we've gotta be sunflowers.
This is the time
we're supposed to experiment,
find who we are.
But how can I when I am terrified
that some asshole out there is going to post a comment that shreds my soul?
I should be able to fuck whoever I want, whenever I want without judgment.
Before today, you thought I was a virgin,
and now I'm what?
The neighborhood bicycle?
Queen Guinevere, the Skunked of Avalon?
Why do you get to be a stud if you bang me,
but I'm an easy fuck oven if I have sex with anyone else?
You want a girly-friend.
A sweetheart.
A blow-up doll who will do the things that you want her to do.
Well, guess what, Wheeler?
I might wanna be polyamorous.
I might wanna join a thruple,
or be asexual, or demi, or gyne.
The dusty, old names like "virgin" and "slut"
were made by men to put women
in Barbie doll packages with easy to read labels.
Well,
I'm no queen.
I am not a queen.
Not a queen,
or a slag,
or the saint that everyone seems to think I am on social media.
I'm a kid.
I don't know who I am.
I know who you are.
Who am I?
You're Sam Dean.
[breathing heavily]
You okay?
Yeah.
[phone vibrates]
-It's your mom. -Decline.
She's called, like, four times this afternoon.
-I'm gonna pick up. -No.
-Don't. -Hello, Mrs. Wheeler.
No, sorry, Josh is absent and can't come to the phone right now,
and as you know, I am the reigning queen of Glendale, and my noble knight is...
Yeah. Yeah, he's here.
Hey, Mom. Sorry, I meant to call you back.
What's happened?
Josh, what's going on?
Josh?
Is everything okay?
My dad...
My dad died.
Josh, I am so sorry. I...
Is there anything I can do?
You're gonna be late for your homecoming game.
I can miss it.
Just go.
Please.
-I don't think you should be alone. -I mean it, Sam. Go!
Leave me alone!
What?
Why are you mad at me?
He was dying.
And I was too distracted trying to get into your pants.
That's not fair.
You think you're so smart...
and experienced, that the world is this amazing place, but it's not.
People are awful.
And you have no idea what pain and rejection feel like.
You have no idea how real people feel.
How I feel!
You have all of these friends
and people that love you, genuinely love you.
You're beautiful. You're homecoming queen.
Yeah.
I feel so awful for you.
Your life must be terrible.
You have everything in the world that normal people want,
and you're still complaining.
I mean, come on! Do you even hear yourself?
You're upset.
You don't mean any of that.
Yeah.
Why don't you go and fuck Andy...
or Scooter...
or Noah?
Fucking Hoyles!
You looked on my phone.
You looked at the consent app!
Josh!
You wanna know who you are?
You're a slut, Samaira.
["Thinking About You" playing]
♪ You were a hard-faced kid ♪
♪ That was new on the block ♪
♪ And a lone life force ♪
♪ That nobody could stop ♪
♪ You had a mind of black and gold... ♪
[Wesley] You look like a homecomin' queen!
We're supposed to be spending this time finding out who we really are,
and you, my friend, are the only one who's brave enough to try.
That is why you're royalty.
I'm just tryin' to survive.
I got friends.
Finding that one person who really gets...
There are so many conditions on unconditional love.
♪ You were my heart-shaped queen ♪
♪ On your way to school ♪
♪ You were a paperback girl ♪
♪ Back before it was cool ♪
♪ You were a bird shot down ♪
♪ With your feathers all red ♪
♪ With your face turned up ♪
♪ And your arms outstretched ♪
♪ Now come on ♪