[Jughead] It was over.
The evils of Stonewall Prep had been vanquished.
And life in Riverdale, more or less, picked up where it had left off.
But at its heart, Riverdale was and is a wicked little town.
So, no one was surprised when a third round of sinister videotapes
was delivered to our doorsteps.
♪ You know the sun is in your eyes ♪
♪ And hurricanes and rains And black and cloudy skies ♪
♪ You're running up and down that hill ♪
♪ You turn it on and off at will ♪
♪ There's nothing here To thrill or bring you down ♪
♪ And if you've got no other choice ♪
♪ You know you can follow my voice ♪
♪ Through the dark turns and noise Of this wicked little town ♪
♪ The Fates are vicious And they're cruel ♪
♪ You learn too late You've used two wishes like a fool ♪
♪ The pious, hateful and devout ♪
♪ You're turning tricks Till you're turned out ♪
♪ The wind so cold, it burns You're burning out, blowing round ♪
♪ And then you're someone you are not ♪
♪ And Riverdale, it ain't the spot ♪
♪ Remember Mrs. Lot and ♪
[all] ♪ When she turned around ♪
♪ And if you've got no other choice ♪
♪ You know you can follow my voice ♪
♪ Through the dark turns and noise Of this wicked little town ♪
[Jughead] No one slept much that night...
as they waited for a new day to dawn.
Daddy?
You have a doctor's appointment, don't you?
Which I'll go to as soon as I finish my coffee.
[Hiram grunting]
Come on.
[grunts] Little help. Little help!
[exhales sharply]
-Holy crap, Mr. Lodge. -Thanks, Archie.
Maybe you should ease up... you know, considering your condition.
What the hell are you talking about?
Veronica told me that you're sick.
Well, clearly, my daughter's confused because I'm perfectly healthy.
But if she is concerned for some unfounded reason,
then you'll agree that... she doesn't need to know about this.
-Mr. Lodge, look, if you need help-- -What I need is privacy.
This is not your business, nor hers frankly.
Do we understand each other, Archie?
Yes, sir. We do.
All right, take a plate off.
So, I talked to all your teachers,
and we figured out a way for you to catch up on all of your classes.
Phew. That's not daunting at all.
-[scoffs] There's an index? -Mm-hm.
And it's color-coded.
Red is for American History.
You missed the midterm, so you can catch up by writing an essay
on either the Trail of Tears or the Salem witch trials.
-Salem witch trials, definitely. -Mm-hm. Blue, English.
You can choose amongst Steinbeck's The Pearl,
Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea and London's The Call of the Wild
-for your book report. -[sighs]
What, you already read all three of them.
No, I know. It's just-- Writing a book report?
Now I know how Sisyphus must've felt.
Given how far behind I am on literally every topic,
is it even worth trying to catch up at this point?
Look, I know this is a lot.
It's a lot of work, but it's only for a couple of months,
just to make sure that you graduate... with me.
What is more important than that?
Jughead. What a surprise. What do you need?
Something to stimulate my brain as I plow through this pile of work
that Betty has lined up for me.
I was thinking, in between writing these mind-numbing essays,
I can help you review the latest round of videotapes from our mysterious voyeur.
Absolutely. I could use some help scrubbing through the footage.
The voyeur's stepping up his or her game, filming more and more houses.
I don't ever wanna see what would happen if he found his way inside a house.
Thank you.
Oh, uh...
One more thing.
If you could keep my moonlighting on the DL?
You mean from Betty?
How about this? I won't bring it up to her unless she asks me directly.
Thank you.
Here you go, Principal Honey.
Another list of sign-ups for the variety show.
Hmm. Well, I've reviewed the acts submitted so far.
They mostly seem fine, with one exception.
Yours.
I'm sorry, but you won't be allowed to do a number from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
That show is...
It's not appropriate for students and families.
It was on Broadway.
-There's a movie version of it. -An R-rated movie version.
Look, why don't you do a number from a classic musical,
like Oklahoma! or Carousel?
Instead of some niche, downtown, cabaret show
that would be more appropriate for pre-Nazi Berlin?
Hedwig is not a niche show.
It celebrates identities, genders, expressions of all kinds.
And it speaks to my entire generation.
We are relentlessly slammed with crisis after crisis.
And we take it, and we're numb, yes,
but also screaming on the inside.
Please, just...
Just listen to us.
We're people, not numbers.
We're Generation Z.
["Random Number Generation" playing]
♪ All our feelings and thoughts ♪
♪ Expressed in ones and in oughts ♪
♪ In endless spiraling chains ♪
♪ You can't decode or explain 'Cause you are so analog ♪
♪ God, dog, I, eye, I, God, dog ♪
♪ We're the random number ♪
♪ Generation, we are ♪
♪ Random number generated ♪
♪ We are random numbers ♪
♪ In the regime of the solid state ♪
♪ Wheels spin as you iterate ♪
♪ K is X squared minus 1 ♪
♪ But 0.54321 ♪
♪ When X is taken times 2 That's when we're coming for you ♪
♪ We're the random number ♪
♪ Generation, we are ♪
♪ Random number generated, we are ♪
♪ Hey, here we are ♪
♪ We're the random number ♪
♪ Generation, we are ♪
♪ Random number generated ♪
♪ We are random numbers ♪
[school bell rings]
You see, the music of Hedwig is the perfect fit for--
Mr. Keller, you can either pick a different song,
or recuse yourself from the variety show and all your attendant duties.
Effective immediately.
Damn it.
[Kevin] Late breaking news.
I am now singing "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'"
from Oklahoma! for the variety show.
What happened to Hedwig?
Honey nixed it.
Said it was too controversial.
Kevin, if you wanna do Hedwig,
you should do Hedwig.
He'd yank me offstage before the first note.
Hell, I don't even think you should wait for the variety show.
I think you should go rogue.
Go rogue in what way?
Okay.
You know I support you,
and I think you're an amazing writer, Jug,
but this feels a little... phoned-in.
There's typos and incomplete sentences,
and I'm not even sure what the thesis is.
Yeah, okay.
Maybe I'll go offline,
hole myself up in the bunker after school and really focus on it.
Play Thomas Pynchon for a while.
[school bell ringing]
[Veronica] Ooh. He comes bearing gifts.
And some news.
I know this seems a little last minute...
but I signed us up for the variety show.
To perform as a band.
Well, obviously, I'm completely in.
You know I support you kids and your rock 'n' roll,
but I really have to finish these essays,
or else my girlfriend over there is gonna lock me in the stocks.
It's true, Jug has a lot of work to do,
but I think you can take a little time out for this.
I mean, look, it's senior year,
and we promised we'll start taking advantage of that.
Agreed.
-Does this band have a name? -Mmm.
It's The Archies.
What, was the "Me, Me, Me's" taken?
-Look, we can change the name. -[Veronica] No.
"The Archies."
-I like it. -[feedback over PA]
[Kevin over PA] What's up, Riverdale? Are you trying to tear me down?
That's-- Wait. That's not...?
Well, sorry, I'm the new Berlin Wall, baby.
Now get your asses to the music room!
["Tear Me Down" playing]
♪ I was born on the other side Of a town ripped in two ♪
♪ I made it over the great divide ♪
♪ Now I'm coming for you ♪
[cheering]
♪ Enemies and adversaries ♪
♪ They try and tear me down ♪
♪ You want me, baby, I dare you ♪
♪ Try and tear me down ♪
[cheering continues]
♪ There ain't much of a difference ♪
♪ Between a bridge and a wall ♪
♪ Without me right in the middle, babe ♪
♪ Whoa, you would be nothing at all! ♪
♪ Enemies and adversaries ♪
♪ They try and tear me down ♪
♪ You want me, baby, I dare you ♪
♪ Try and tear me down ♪
♪ From East Berlin to Junction City ♪
♪ Hello, Mr. Honey ♪
♪ Hello, Riverdale ♪
♪ You wanna try and tear me down? ♪
You're done, Mr. Keller!
You're off the variety show.
♪ Come on and tear ♪
[crowd cheering]
♪ Come on and tear me down ♪
[feedback squeals]
I said, you're done! You hear me?
You're done!
[Betty] Okay, I'm gonna try it.
[all whooping]
Okay, can we please order pizza from Little Cicero's?
-Ugh. -Guys,
it is not a sleepover without greasy pizza. Right, Kev?
Kev?
Sorry, it's just--
Working on the variety show made me feel like
I was reconnecting with the old, pre-Farm Kevin.
Mr. Honey didn't just take that away. He made me feel like I was nothing.
Like I didn't matter.
[sighs]
You know, something that makes me feel better...
["Wig in a Box" playing]
♪ On nights ♪
♪ Like this ♪
♪ When the world's a bit amiss ♪
♪ And the lights go down ♪
♪ Across the trailer park ♪
♪ I put on some makeup ♪
♪ Turn on the tape deck ♪
♪ And put the wig back on my head ♪
Ooh.
♪ Suddenly, I'm Miss Midwest Midnight Checkout Queen ♪
♪ Until I head home And I put myself to bed ♪
I hear what you're saying, Betty,
but I'm not sure even a makeover montage will help.
♪ I look back on where I'm from ♪
♪ Look at the woman I've become ♪
♪ And the strangest things Seem suddenly routine ♪
♪ I look up from my vermouth On the rocks ♪
♪ A gift-wrapped wig still in the box ♪
♪ Of towering velveteen ♪
♪ I put on some makeup ♪
♪ Some LaVern Baker ♪
♪ And pull the wig down from the shelf ♪
♪ Suddenly, I'm Miss Beehive, 1963 ♪
♪ Until I wake up And I turn back to myself ♪
♪ Some girls they have natural ease ♪
♪ They wear it any way they please ♪
♪ With their French flip curls And perfumed magazines ♪
♪ Wear it up ♪
♪ Let it down ♪
♪ This is the best way that I've found ♪
♪ To be the best you've ever seen ♪
♪ I put on some makeup, oh ♪
♪ Turn on the eight-track Ah, ah, ah, oh ♪
♪ I'm pulling the wig Down from the shelf ♪
♪ Suddenly I'm Miss Farrah Fawcett from TV ♪
♪ Until I wake up And I turn back to myself ♪
♪ Shag, bi-level, bob Dorothy Hamill do ♪
♪ Sausage curls, chicken wings It's all because of you ♪
♪ It's all because of you It's all because of you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
Oh, my... [sighs]
-Hey, Kev. -Yeah?
What if, for the variety show,
we all performed songs from Hedwig?
[Veronica] Yeah.
As a sign of solidarity.
And as president of the Student Body and Riverdale High's LGBTQIA Alliance,
I promise you, I will sit down with Principal Humbug and make this right.
[over jukebox] ♪ Love we, we shared ♪
♪ Our love ♪
On behalf of Kevin Keller and the entire student body,
we urge you to hear our plea.
Hedwig is not some fringe, downbeat musical.
It's fun.
It's an old-fashioned, red-blooded, American musical comedy
with something for everyone.
Including those of us who are more straight-laced.
Allow us to demonstrate.
["Sugar Daddy" playing]
♪ I've got a sweet tooth For licorice drops and jelly roll ♪
♪ Hey, Sugar Daddy ♪
♪ Cheryl needs some sugar in her bowl ♪
♪ I'll lay out fine china on the linen Polish up the chrome ♪
♪ If you've got some sugar for me Sugar Daddy, bring it home ♪
♪ Black strap molasses You're my cherry blossom, honey bear ♪
♪ Sugar Daddy, Sugar Daddy ♪
♪ Bring me Versace blue jeans Black designer underwear ♪
♪ Sugar Daddy, Sugar Daddy ♪
♪ We'll dress up like the disco-dancing Jet set in Milan and Rome ♪
♪ If you've got some sugar for me Sugar Daddy, bring it home ♪
That's enough, Miss Blossom.
♪ Oh, the thrill of control ♪
♪ Like a Blitzkrieg on the roll ♪
-♪ It's the sweetest taste I've known ♪ -♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ So, if you've got some sugar Bring it home ♪
♪ Oh, yeah Come on, Sugar Daddy, bring it home ♪
What? No applause?
You just proved my point.
Did you even listen to the lyrics you sang?
Hedwig and the Angry Inch is highly sexualized.
[scoffs] How queer-phobic of you.
And if every student at Riverdale High changed their variety show act
to a number from Hedwig, what would you do then?
Hm. Well, Miss Topaz...
I would make the following announcement.
Any student who performs a song from Hedwig
will be barred from senior prom.
Now...
as you like to say, Miss Blossom...
toodles.
[cell phone buzzing]
[Archie] So, what happened exactly?
Daddy's downplaying it.
He says he missed a step and stumbled,
but it's still scary and confusing.
He's been going to the doctor. He just told us he was getting better.
Ronnie, I don't want you to worry...
but your dad's been working out at the gym.
Okay.
Well, he was bench-pressing, and the bar slipped.
Luckily, I was there to catch it, but...
I don't think he's been going to the doctor as regularly as he says.
And you haven't told me this before, why?
He said it was nothing.
And when Hiram Lodge asks you to shut your mouth and mind your own business,
-you mind your own business. -No, no!
You drag him to the car,
and you drive him to the doctor yourself.
-That wasn't an option, Ronnie. -So, you do nothing instead?
This is my life, Archie. My father's life.
How could you be so short-sighted?
[VCR whirring]
[Betty] Jughead!
I came to surprise you with a study break.
-Tell me this is not what it looks like. -It's not.
Oh, so you're not lying to me about doing your homework
while you try to crack some new unsolvable mystery?
I'm doing both.
I went to the mat for you with Mr. Honey and with all of your teachers.
-I didn't ask you to do that. -I'm trying to make sure you graduate.
Jug, I'm trying to make sure we stay together, that we have a future.
I'm sorry, in what future are we not together?
I'm going to New Haven in a few months, Jug.
That is happening. Where are you going to be?
I thought I'd be your dorm-husband,
just eating pizza while you studied criminal psych.
Yeah, well, I would rather that than this dead-end Jughead.
Oh, the Jughead that was brained with a rock?
I'm sorry I'm different now. I guess death just changes a person.
["Exquisite Corpse" playing]
♪ Inside I'm hollowed out Outside's a paper shroud ♪
♪ And all the rest's illusion ♪
♪ That there's a will and soul That we can wrest control ♪
♪ From chaos and confusion ♪
♪ A collage! ♪
♪ I'm all sewn up ♪
♪ A montage! ♪
♪ I'm all sewn up ♪
How do you think I feel?
♪ A random pattern With a needle and thread ♪
♪ The overlapping way diseases Are spread ♪
♪ Through a tornado body With a hand grenade head ♪
♪ And the legs are two lovers entwined ♪
-I was trying to do the right thing. -You weren't thinking.
Give me a break, Veronica. It's been a crappy year.
♪ Oh, God, I'm all sewn up A hardened razor-cut ♪
♪ Scar map across my body ♪
♪ And you can trace the lines Through misery's design ♪
♪ That map across my body ♪
♪ A collage! ♪
♪ I'm all sewn up ♪
♪ A montage! ♪
♪ I'm all sewn up ♪
♪ The automatist's undoing ♪
♪ The whole world starts unscrewing ♪
♪ As time collapses and space warps, oh ♪
♪ You see decay and ruin ♪
♪ I tell you, "No, no, no ♪
♪ You make such an exquisite corpse" ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ A collage! ♪
♪ I'm all sewn up ♪
♪ A montage! ♪
♪ I'm all sewn up ♪
♪ I'm all sewn up! ♪
-[knock on door] -Principal Honey,
I need to alert you to a situation that's taking place in the hallway.
And the games begin.
Consider this a peaceful protest, Mr. Honey.
Though I will weaponize these babies if I have to.
Clearly, you are all...
very passionate about what you're feeling.
But hot heads lead to unpredictability.
And anger.
Violence.
So, I'm afraid...
the most prudent action to take at this moment is to...
cancel the variety show.
[students groaning]
Hi, sorry I'm late.
Betty?
I forgot to text you guys that rehearsal is canceled.
Oh.
I kind of screwed up with Veronica.
Well, Jughead and I just got in a fight, too, actually, so...
Yeah, man, I'm sorry.
This is not what I wanted this week to be.
I wanted us to have fun.
When was the last time that happened?
That time we ordered sea monkeys from the back of a comic book was fun.
[both laugh]
-Yeah, we peaked in the first grade. -Yeah.
When I saw that sign-up sheet...
I flashed back to sophomore year.
I was on stage, freezing up from stage fright.
Until I saw my dad.
And suddenly, I could just... play.
He gave me the biggest hug afterwards.
He was so proud of you.
He was always so happy whenever you played.
Look, just because Veronica and Jughead aren't here
doesn't mean we can't rehearse.
All right.
["Origin of Love" playing]
♪ When the earth was still flat And clouds made of fire ♪
♪ And mountains stretched up to the sky Sometimes higher ♪
♪ Folks roamed the earth Like big rolling kegs ♪
♪ They had two sets of arms They had two sets of legs ♪
♪ They had two faces peering Out of one giant head ♪
♪ So they could watch all around them As they talked, while they read ♪
♪ And they never knew nothing of love ♪
♪ It was before, mm ♪
♪ The origin of love ♪
-♪The origin of love ♪ -♪ The origin of love ♪
♪ The last time I saw you We just split in two ♪
♪ You were looking at me I was looking at you ♪
♪ You had a way so familiar I could not recognize ♪
♪ 'Cause you had blood on your face And I had blood in my eyes ♪
♪ And the children of the moon Look like a fork stuck on a spoon ♪
♪ They were part sun, part earth Part daughter, part son ♪
♪ Oh, the origin of love ♪
♪ Now the gods grew quite scared Of our strength and defiance ♪
♪ And Thor said, "I'm gonna kill them all With my hammer ♪
♪ Like I killed the giants" ♪
♪ And then he grabbed up some bolts He let out a laugh ♪
♪ Said, "I'll split them Right down the middle ♪
♪ Gonna cut them right up in half" ♪
♪ And then storm clouds gathered above Into great balls of fire ♪
♪ And then fire shot down From the sky in bolts ♪
♪ Like shining blades of a knife ♪
♪ And it ripped right through the flesh ♪
♪ Of the children of the sun And the moon and the earth ♪
♪ And Osiris and the gods of the Nile ♪
♪ Gathered up a big storm ♪
♪ To blow a hurricane ♪
♪ To scatter us away In a flood of wind and rain ♪
♪ A sea of tidal waves To wash us all away ♪
♪ And if we don't behave They'll cut us down again ♪
Hi.
One fully-researched, thoroughly-proofed,
MLA-formatted essay on the Salem witch trials.
I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
I do.
I'm sorry.
Jug...
it's okay.
No, it's not.
I shouldn't have been as ticked off as I was that you had faith in me.
-You okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.
Okay.
I really need to finish that essay on Call of the Wild.
But you can distract me anytime you want.
-Bye. -Bye.
Penny for your thoughts, handsome?
Ronnie...
I wanted to give you this, Archie.
It was too short notice to get cupcakes from Magnolia, so these are from Pop's...
but you deserve an official Veronica Lodge "I'm sorry."
You're sorry?
I am.
I was... scared...
and lashing out, but at the wrong person.
The truth is, you didn't need to come clean to me, but you did.
Thanks to that, I got a doctor who said it was lucky he saw Daddy when he did.
Because it could've been much worse than a fall.
-So, thank you... Archiekins. -Veronica, I--
So, more good news.
Though Honey canceled the variety show at school,
Kevin called me with an amazing idea.
To host it at La Bonne Nuit.
So, me, you, Betty and Jughead will all get to perform together, after all.
-Isn't that amazing? -Yeah, that's awesome.
The show must go on, as they say.
Even in our wicked little town.
["Wicked Little Town (Reprise)" playing]
♪ Forgive me for I did not know ♪
♪ 'Cause I was just a boy ♪
♪ And you were so much more ♪
♪ And when everything Starts breaking down ♪
♪ You take the pieces off the ground ♪
♪ And show this wicked town Something beautiful and new ♪
♪ And there's no mystical design ♪
♪ No cosmic lover pre-assigned ♪
♪ There's nothing you can find ♪
♪ That cannot be found ♪
♪ 'Cause with all the changes We've been through ♪
♪ It seems the stranger's always you ♪
♪ Alone again in some new Wicked little town ♪
♪ When you've got no other choice ♪
♪ You know you can follow my voice ♪
♪ Through the dark turns and noise Of this wicked little town ♪
♪ Oh, it's a wicked ♪
♪ Little town ♪
♪ Goodbye, wicked ♪
-♪ Little town ♪ -♪ Little town ♪
[applause]
[feedback squeals]
Ladies and gentlemen, for our final performance of the evening,
I am beyond honored to introduce, for the first time ever,
The Archies!
[cheers and applause]
[FP] Get him, boy!
[whoops]
["Midnight Radio" playing]
♪ Rain falls hard ♪
♪ Burns dry ♪
♪ A dream or a song ♪
♪ That hits you so hard ♪
♪ It's filling you up ♪
♪ And suddenly you're gone ♪
♪ Breathe, feel, love ♪
♪ Give free ♪
♪ Know in your soul ♪
♪ Like your blood knows the way ♪
♪ From your heart to your brain ♪
♪ Know that you're whole ♪
♪ And you're shining Like the brightest star ♪
♪ A transmission On the midnight radio ♪
♪ Here's to Ronnie ♪
♪ And Archie ♪
♪ And Betty ♪
♪ And Jughead ♪
-♪ And Choni ♪ -♪ And Choni ♪
[Archie and Jughead] ♪ And Reggie ♪
Yeah!
♪ And me ♪
♪ And all the strange rock 'n' rollers ♪
♪ You know you're doing all right ♪
♪ So, hold on to each other ♪
♪ You gotta hold on tonight ♪
♪ And you're shining Like the brightest star ♪
♪ A transmission On the midnight radio ♪
♪ And you're spinning Your new 45's ♪
♪ With all the misfits and the losers ♪
♪ Well, you know you're rock 'n' rollers ♪
♪ Spinning to ♪
♪ Your rock 'n' roll ♪
[crowd cheering]
♪ Lift up your hands ♪
♪ Lift up your hands... ♪
[Jughead] There's a problem that comes once you get caught up on your homework.
Your mind wanders and evil creeps back in.
Was the voyeur somewhere amongst us in the crowd?
Playing his long game?
Turning the temperature up ever so slowly...
so that by the time we frogs realized we were being boiled alive,
it was too late.
[panting over TV]
♪ Lift up your hands ♪
[cheering] your hands ♪