[Jughead] The year is 1955,
and nothing like this has ever happened in Riverdale.
One of our own, Ethel Muggs, had stumbled into the sock hop,
covered in, we would soon find out, her parents' blood.
Both were dead, stabbed multiple times.
[door opens]
What did Ethel say?
Did she see the killer?
Well, your friend's keeping mum,
but, uh, she claims that the milkman killed her parents.
Willie?
He's 70 years old.
He is.
-You gonna bring him in for questioning? -It's late, and Willie could use his rest.
So we'll talk to him tomorrow after he's done his morning deliveries.
It's tragic, yes.
But why bring her here, Alice?
She has nowhere else to go, Hal.
Her parents are dead.
It's the least we can do for her.
Don't you think?
Think how this will affect Betty.
That's all I ever think about, is the well-being of this family.
Which is more than I can say for you.
We're gonna make up my sister's old room for you.
Here are some fresh towels.
If you need anything at any point, just come find me, okay?
[sobbing]
I don't know what else they want me to say.
It's almost like they think that maybe I...
Ethel, is there anyone who saw you before you went back to your house?
Anyone who could be an alibi?
No.
No. I was alone.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
Please try to rest, okay?
We're here for you.
Whatever you need.
[Jughead] But Betty's entreaties did little to comfort Ethel,
who didn't say another word that night,
which only added to the mystery.
Was Ethel hiding something?
And why did her milkman story sound so familiar to me?
["Taboo" playing]
♪ Listen to the winds From the desert's burning waste ♪
♪ Hear the words in a fire When it crackles to you ♪
♪ The devil is a woman A red-headed woman ♪
♪ A fiery-headed woman ♪
♪ Taboo... ♪
It is high time that you got yourself a boyfriend, Cheryl.
Mother,
I don't have time for boys. I'm far too busy.
[Penelope] Doing what?
Painting naked ladies?
Mother!
What nerve. That's homework for art class.
You could help, you know.
Isn't there some nice, normal boy you could introduce her to?
I'm just worried she's, uh,
developing unnatural proclivities, shall we say.
What are you talking about, Mom?
Find your sister a suitable match, immediately.
Do I make myself clear?
That was quite the scene at the sock hop.
Do you know that poor girl?
Not really.
I mean, she's Ethel. She kind of keeps to herself.
Well, not to pivot gracelessly, but...
listen, Archie, I'm really sorry we got off on the wrong foot.
Could we maybe try again?
I really appreciate the apology.
Look, the truth is, Veronica, I just-- I don't think we're a good match.
I mean, you're too much of a handful for a guy like me.
What happened to the Muggs family is a tragedy.
It's all the children are talking about.
Their parents are calling,
asking how we plan to address this situation.
Well, I believe the most prudent course of action
is to simply carry on with the week's pre-approved lesson plans.
Yes.
What's on the docket this week, Ms. Bell?
Well, in fact, the juniors are scheduled
to have their PTA-approved sexual education lecture.
But we could postpone it.
On the contrary. I will give the lecture myself.
Splendid idea, Dr. Werthers.
Business as usual.
That's the ticket.
Tough luck about Veronica, chum.
Guess it wasn't in the cards for you two.
Yeah, I guess not.
It's probably for the best.
Girls like Veronica run hot and cold,
and it takes a certain kind of man to ride that roller coaster.
A man like you, I'm guessing?
Pretty much.
But if you're hankering for a steady girlfriend,
Cheryl's available.
Cheryl?
Thanks, but no thanks.
Why not? You don't think my sister's a honey?
No, I mean, come on, Cheryl's gorgeous.
-But-- -But what?
Well, she's always seemed a little standoffish to me.
I mean, I've never seen her with a steady boyfriend.
Oh, she's had boyfriends.
College guys mostly.
You know what they say about girls who like older men, right?
No, what--?
What do they say?
They're a lot more...
open-minded
than most high school girls, if you catch my drift.
You take Cheryl out,
you're made in the shade, daddy-o.
Something tells me she'd really go for a stud like you.
Think about it at least.
["Woojamacooja" playing]
♪ Wooja ♪
♪ Woojamacooja ♪
♪ Since the day we met... ♪
Hey, Blossom, wait up.
What is it, Serpentina?
I'm putting on a little performance at the Dark Room tonight,
and I have a feeling it might razz your berries.
Hmm. Kindly mark me down as a definitive "no, thank you."
Ta-ta.
[Lizzo chuckles]
Same old Topaz, always going after the straight-laced square girls.
-You know there's no future there for you? -I'm not so sure about that.
What's your problem, Topaz?
Am I too much woman for you?
My problem with you
is that you're a high school dropout and you're too territorial.
-I'll see you at the Dark Room. -What makes you think I'm going?
Get over yourself, Lizzo.
I know you wouldn't miss it.
Kevin.
You okay?
You seem a little froggy.
You know, jumpy. Like you're avoiding someone.
No.
Uh, I had too much High Point this morning.
It's okay, Kevin.
What are you doing tonight?
Do you wanna come to an open mic at the Dark Room?
A bunch of us hepcats are performing.
["I Wish I Didn't Love You So" playing]
Um...
Dark Room.
Isn't that the beatnik hangout?
It's a coffee house, Kevin.
Do you have plans or not?
I was gonna maybe see The Seven Year Itch with Betty.
But she might like going to the Dark Room.
She won't regret it.
And, uh...
And neither will you.
♪ I wish I didn't love you so... ♪
[door opens]
Cheryl. I've been looking for you.
Cool painting.
Why, pray tell, have you been searching for moi?
Um, what are you doing tonight? I was wondering if you wanted
to go see The Seven Year Itch with me at the Babylonium.
I've already seen it and found it egregiously overrated.
-Oh. Okay, well-- -However,
there is an event at the Dark Room tonight.
Some sort of poetry reading.
I wasn't going to attend in fear of being slimed by a greaser,
but with a proper escort, I might relent.
-Poetry reading? -Mm-hm.
Well, I've actually just started writing poetry myself--
How peachy keen for you.
Pick me up at 7?
Hey, doll face.
Wanna go to the Babylonium tonight?
The Seven Year Itch is playing.
Drop dead, Julian.
If you're still pining after Andrews, don't hold your breath.
Word on the street is
he's going to some thing at the beatnik bar tonight with Cheryl.
I wanna go.
To the Dark Room.
I didn't know you were into the whole beatnik scene.
Oh, I'm into a lot of scenes, Julian.
Pick me up at 8.
[Keller] Sorry to bother you there, Willie, but we gotta follow every lead.
Even the crazy ones.
Let me walk you out.
[door opens, then closes]
Ethel.
What happened?
It wasn't the milkman.
Or at least not that milkman.
So it was another milkman?
Or someone dressed like one. I don't know.
Jughead,
I'm really, really scared.
What if Sheriff Keller starts to think that I did it?
Well, why would he do that?
You know those pretend covers I'm always drawing?
Yeah. They're super boss.
Do you remember my meat grinder cover?
Yeah.
Oh. Oh, God, Ethel.
Ethel's drawing depicted a girl, who happened to look like Ethel,
shoving dismembered body parts,
that happened to look like they belonged to her parents,
into a meat grinder.
It was a goof, Jughead.
[sighs]
I was just mad at my parents for not letting me go see The Tingler,
and now I'm afraid that Sheriff Keller is gonna... misinterpret it.
-Where's the drawing? -In my hope chest.
I would get it myself, but I just--
I don't think I can face going back into that house.
Not so soon.
Okay.
It's fine. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna go tonight. Yeah.
Excuse me, young lady. Where do you think you're going?
Kevin and I are going to a poetry reading.
Not before you march over to Ethel's house
and bring that girl back another change of clothes or two.
Chop, chop.
[ominous music playing]
Bingo.
[door opens nearby]
The cops.
[Jughead] Here's why Ethel's milkman story sounded so familiar.
It reminded me of a comic book Pep had published.
One of their most infamous issues
about a lunatic who escapes from an insane asylum,
dresses up as the town milkman, and starts murdering people.
Ethel and I had both read it.
Then again, everyone had.
I'm sure it was a coincidence. It had to be.
But it wouldn't look good for Ethel to be caught with it, no matter what.
And to the republic that falls short
One nation, under siege
Indefensible
With liberty and justice for none
All are beat
Gratitude
[audience snapping fingers]
Keen, but what does it mean?
Uh, it's art, Betty. It doesn't need to mean anything.
I mean, it didn't even rhyme, really.
Poetry doesn't have to rhyme.
Here. This might help make the evening more tolerable.
[exotic drum & flute music playing over speakers]
Immortal Aphrodite
On your shimmering throne
Daughter of Zeus, weaver of wiles
I pray thee
Crush not my spirit nor my soul
With anguish and distress
Oh, queen
Come release me from cruel cares
Let my heart accomplish All that it desires
In mine as I am yours
Take me
[moans]
[audience snapping fingers and cheering]
I wanna leave.
-What? -Take me home, now.
Good night, Cheryl.
I had a real nice time.
["Hiding My Tears with a Smile" playing]
-I wasn't expecting that. -Walk me to school tomorrow?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
It's a date.
Toodles.
♪ Hiding my tears ♪
♪ With a smile ♪
[exotic drum & flute music playing]
[school bell ringing]
[Kevin] Oh, my golly.
Who knew the Dark Room was gonna be such a gas?
Isn't Clay just an astonishing writer?
I can't stop thinking about his poem.
I'm still reeling from Toni's dance poem.
It was pretty sexy, don't you think?
[chuckles] I suppose.
You suppose?
Kevin.
It was jaw-dropping.
["Little Things Mean a Lot" playing]
♪ Blow me a kiss from across the room ♪
♪ Say I look nice when I'm not ♪
♪ Touch my hair as you pass my chair ♪
♪ Little things ♪
♪ Mean a lot ♪
As I'm sure you're aware, based on your eager, sweaty faces,
today's lesson will be focusing
on the fundamentals of sexual reproduction.
Your bodies are changing right now.
It can be a confusing time.
You have many questions, no doubt.
But first, first,
let's begin with a very useful diagram.
Much can be gleaned from the typical American flower,
whose sole function,
with its colorful petals and its pleasing contour, is pollination.
Or reproduction.
I'm so confused.
What do flowers and bees have to do with us?
Nothing. I don't know what that speech was about.
But recently, I got my hands on a copy of Kingsley's Guide to Human Sexuality.
That's got the real skinny.
This is ridiculous.
If you fuddy-duddies truly wanna learn about S-E-X,
we have to stop talking about it and start doing it.
I'm gonna host a make-out party and you're all coming.
Thanks, but no thanks.
I'm a germophobe.
-Is that, like, an orgy? -[Veronica] No.
It's kissing games.
Spin the Bottle, Post Office, Seven Minutes in Heaven, Pony Ride.
And trust me, nothing is ever gonna be the same again.
[Jughead] In that moment, before our very eyes,
Veronica Lodge became a Georgia O'Keeffe lotus,
and Archie Andrews a hapless bumblebee.
Gosh, a real-life make-out party.
I'll have to check my book to see what Dr. Kingsley says about them.
[Veronica] Between you and me, it all boils down to this.
Boys think they're in charge,
but it's all about our pleasure, not theirs.
Well, right now, I don't think either me or Kevin are experiencing much pleasure.
Hmm.
The more direct you can be with your beau, the better.
I've botched it playing coy with Archie,
but I'll make my desires crystal clear to him at the party.
[Cheryl scoffs]
Hey, Blossom.
You didn't stick around after my performance last night.
Did you dig it?
It was a little... avant-garde for my sensibilities.
Archie thought the same.
You have heard we're going steady, have you not?
Yeah, we've all seen you parade him around like he's some prize stud.
You don't have to go to some make-out party
to pretend to be somebody you're not.
Why exactly does everyone presume to know my personal life?
You're worse than my hobgoblin mother, and that's saying a lot.
[door opens]
Kev. Can we talk for a sec?
It's about the make-out party.
Yeah. I was thinking, why don't we ditch that?
No. We're going.
It's happening tonight, Kevin. You and me.
Because you say that you love me,
and now it's time that you proved it.
We'll cut right to the chase, Jughead.
Did you break into Ethel Muggs' house yesterday?
Uh, I'm pretty sure that I was at home, writing and eating hamburgers.
Because there's a neighbor there
that reported someone matching your description.
A teenager wearing a crown exiting a window.
Well, it wasn't me.
-Hmm. -You are a...
Well, you're a bit of an odd duck, aren't you, Mr. Jones?
A loner.
Like Miss Muggs.
Is she your girlfriend?
She's just a friend.
Are you protecting her now?
Maybe you helped her do something bad, and now you have to protect yourself too.
I wasn't at Ethel Muggs' house last night, and I'm not her boyfriend
or an odd-duck loner, whatever that means.
In fact, I'm going to a party tonight.
-With all the cool kids. -[Werthers scoffs]
-Really? -[Jughead] And for the record,
the Ethel that I know would not kill her parents.
You're barking up the wrong tree. Now can I go, please?
Yeah.
You're free to go.
Oh, enjoy your party tonight.
[Kevin] Oh, hey-- Uh, hey, Clay.
Um, thought I missed the locker-room rush.
What can I say? I love a long, lingering shower.
[exotic music playing]
Um, are-- Are you going to that, um, make-out party?
I don't think so.
Why not?
'Cause...
I like boys, Kevin.
And I don't think it's that kind of party.
Uh, that-- That makes sense.
Obviously, most people don't know that about me.
I hope I can trust you to be discreet.
Of course, Clay.
Uh, I gotta go. Um...
-Gotta get ready. -All right.
[Archie] Hey, Betty.
You know that, um,
sex book you mentioned?
I was wondering if I could have a little read.
Um, just so I can...
brush up before the make-out party.
Of course.
What did you think of Dr. Kingsley?
I mean, I think I get it. I just-- I...
But how does it all start?
That's the easy part.
Okay, so say you're sitting side by side
next to Cheryl, like this.
Maybe some music starts playing.
["A Certain Smile" playing on record player]
Now you might wanna say something like:
"Cheryl, would you like to get a bit more comfortable?"
[clears throat]
Say, would you like to get a bit more comfortable?
Why, yes, I would.
♪ ...so many lovely things ♪
♪ Suddenly you know why fairies sing... ♪
Then she might...
do this.
Oh.
And then what?
And then...
Oh.
-I'm sorry, Betty. -Oh, no. It's okay.
-It's-- -I'm sorry.
♪ ...to haunt your heart again ♪
[chattering]
[jazz music playing on record player]
Now, before we break off and retreat
into The Pembrooke's various dark corners,
I thought we could warm up
with a perfectly innocent round of Post Office.
Now, boys, each of you is holding an envelope containing a number,
which corresponds to one of us girls.
You must deliver your envelope to that girl,
along with a kiss.
Fangs, would you like to get us started?
Reveal your number and the girl you'll be kissing.
[exhales sharply] Okay.
Number 2.
That's me.
Bet you've never kissed a greaser before.
I don't even eat French fries, but rules are rules.
Forgive me, Midge.
Don't worry, square.
I brushed my teeth earlier this week.
Ugh.
Oh, whoa, was that cheating?
It's skirting the edge,
but hopefully Kevin will give us what we all want,
which is a real kiss.
Kevin?
Uh, Number 3.
I'm three.
Hold your head still.
All right, let's just get this over with.
One?
That's me.
This ought to be good.
Fun.
Nice to meet you, by the way.
Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Thank you.
Five.
Wow. That's me.
How did that happen?
Excuse me, brother.
I guess this is what's known as a date with destiny.
[funky jazz music playing]
She's gonna suffocate him.
But what a way to go.
I think I got your gum.
You can keep it. It's triple bubble.
I guess that leaves me and the Wild One.
Luckily, I've had all my shots.
Yeah, that's not a kiss, preppy.
This is a kiss.
Okay.
Now that all of our lips are appropriately lubricated,
we pair off.
I, for instance, might sneak off with--
Come along, Archie.
Let's find a private space away from prying eyes.
What do you say? Shall we go to your room?
Actually...
You.
[Jughead] Me?
You just hit the jackpot, Holden Caulfield.
I guess that leaves the two of you.
-We could finish what you started. -In your dreams, prepster.
I will, however, let you drive me home in that sweet ride of yours.
["Milkman Keep Those Bottles Quiet" playing]
♪ Milkman, keep those bottles quiet ♪
♪ Can't use that jive on my milk diet ♪
-[door closes] -Don't, Hal.
I've already called Social Services.
And she's going back to school tomorrow.
[clears throat] Thank you, Alice.
Of course, dear.
♪ I don't want your kisses If I can't feel love... ♪
Look, I don't know what it is that you plan on doing to me,
but I should let you know the only reason I'm here
is because I don't want people thinking I'm a miscreant
that helped Ethel murder her parents.
Funny.
Sounds exactly like something a miscreant murderer would say.
Relax.
I just needed a warm body to help me get away from Julian Blossom.
That guy's an octopus.
Well, glad I could help.
By the way, what was with that Holden Caulfield reference?
Well, isn't that your thing? "Everybody's phony except me"?
No, I just meant that not everyone in Riverdale goes around
name-dropping literary antiheroes.
People do read in Los Angeles, you know.
♪ And I don't want your lovin' If I can't have... ♪
So, what's your dealio?
If you're not dating Ethel, then who are you dating?
Uh...
Who has time for dating?
What with all these comics to read, and burgers to eat,
and monster movies to watch?
I like monster movies. The scarier the better.
I'll tell you my favorite if you tell me yours.
Ladies first.
Creature from the Black Lagoon.
-Really? -Yeah.
-That's actually my favorite too. -Really?
I love it. You kind of remind me of the girl in the white bathing suit.
-Julie Adams? -Mm-hm.
I get that a lot.
["To Tell the Truth" playing over speakers]
♪ To tell the truth, I am lonely ♪
♪ And all my nights are blue ♪
♪ To tell the truth, I love you ♪
♪ Honest, oh, honest, I do ♪
♪ To tell the truth, I miss you ♪
♪ To tell the truth... ♪
You're not excited.
Of course I am.
No, you're not, Kev.
I can tell that you're not excited.
You're not... aroused.
Maybe if we just keep kissing, it'll...
["I'm a Woman" playing over speakers]
You can move your right hand a little higher if you want.
♪ I'm a woman ♪
♪ That wears the finest hose Yes, I'm a woman... ♪
Not that high, Archie.
As my nana likes to say,
let's leave room for the Holy Spirit, okay?
♪ And I'm a woman That don't have a Northern feel ♪
♪ You know, a woman... ♪
-Archie, your right hand again. -Oh.
I'm sorry if I'm screwing this up.
I just-- I'm excited.
And a little nervous, maybe, because...
you're so experienced.
You're used to going out with college guys.
-Who told you that? -Julian.
Why were you and Julian talking about me?
Well, I mean, he suggested that I ask you out.
He said we might hit it off.
Archie, I'm going to be honest with you.
I've never been with a college guy.
I've actually never really been with any guy.
But...
I'm quite certain we can figure it out together.
Definitely.
[Betty] Dear diary,
the make-out party was unsurprisingly a disaster.
I want Kevin to want me.
I want to feel desired. I want to feel sexy. I want--
["Hoo Doo You Baby" playing]
♪ I'm gonna hoo doo you, baby ♪
♪ And set your soul on fire... ♪
[Betty] I'm not sure how much more of this I can take before I explode, diary.
Something has to change.
And soon.
♪ I'm gonna make you mine 'Cause that is my desire... ♪
My dear boy.
Any updates on our little project?
We're made in the shade, Mother. I got Cheryl together with Archie,
and I'm fairly certain they're going steady now.
Very good, Julian. Well done.
[approaching footsteps]
Good morning, Mother.
Julian.
Cheryl Marjorie Blossom, what is that lesion on your neck?
It's a hickey, Mother.
And I suppose you both should know Archie pinned me last night.
-[coughs] -And I mean really pinned me.
As in, all the way pinned me.
-Barf. -[car horn honking]
That must be Archie. He's driving me to school.
I'd say he's a true gentleman, but the truth is,
Archie is a total animal. Toodles.
-[Penelope groans] -[door slams]
Kevin.
I have something for you.
What is it?
Kingsley's Guide to Human Sexuality.
-Betty, we're at school. -You need to read it.
Think of this as your own personal sex education, Kevin.
Finals are coming up and it's time to start cramming.
Betty.
Hey. Just wanted to say fun party last night.
Sorry I had to cut out early, but, you know,
I'm playing the long game.
Really? With who?
I'd rather not say. Yet.
But how did it go with Bazooka Jones?
Well, if you really must know,
Jughead and I spent the entire night together...
talking.
Holy hell.
Are you making a play for that crown-wearing clown?
Let's just say, I'm not ruling it out.
[students chattering]
[girl 1] There she is.
[girl 2] Oh, my God. It's her.
Everyone's looking at me like I'm a murderer.
Hey. This is all going to blow over.
As soon as the actual killer is caught, okay?
For right now, just take it nice and slow.
[Bell on PA] Attention, students.
Will Ethel Muggs and Jughead Jones please come to the principal's office?
Ethel Muggs and Jughead Jones,
please report to the principal's office.
Let me guess, you'd like to know who was canoodling at the make-out party?
We searched your train car, Jughead,
right after you left for school this morning.
-Wha--? Why? -[Keller] In any case,
we found some pretty damning evidence stuffed underneath your mattress.
Care to explain, Miss Muggs?
Mr. Jones? lain, Miss Muggs?