1 00:00:04,212 --> 00:00:08,133 I don't have to remind you gentlemen that this meeting never took place. 2 00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:10,093 Of course not, Mayor Blossom. 3 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:14,931 Has Ethel Muggs been talking much since she's been with the Sisters? 4 00:00:15,014 --> 00:00:15,974 Not a peep. 5 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:20,228 Sister Woodhouse has imposed a vow of silence. 6 00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,648 -Very good. What about the PTA? -[Featherhead] Parents are still upset. 7 00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:27,152 It's all they talk about at our meetings. "Who killed Mr. and Mrs. Muggs?" 8 00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:30,655 As long as people remain focused on this murder case, 9 00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:34,784 the more precarious our grasp of the situation becomes. 10 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:41,291 -What's the sheriff's office doing? -Tom is trying to find this "milkman." 11 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:44,085 -And the murder weapon. -Why is he doing that? 12 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,841 I have the murder weapon right here. 13 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,177 What are you getting at, Fredreich? 14 00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:55,513 We have to stop rehashing the Muggs murder case 15 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:59,392 and start making sure that something like it never happens again. 16 00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:02,896 Now, in my extensive research, in case after case, 17 00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:06,566 comic books are the influencing factor 18 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:10,528 in most incidents of juvenile delinquency and teen violence. 19 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:14,783 They are a moral scourge, gentlemen, 20 00:01:14,866 --> 00:01:18,203 and their creators criminal degenerates. 21 00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:20,955 That's what the PTA should be talking about. 22 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,958 Comic books, not the Muggs. 23 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:30,340 And I believe I know exactly how to make that happen. 24 00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:39,224 Well, look who strolls in whenever his heart desires. 25 00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:41,810 -What do you want, kid? -I was just in the neighborhood. 26 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,646 -Where is everyone? -All out with a stomach bug. 27 00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:47,816 -I'm under more water than the Titanic. -Can I help? 28 00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:50,485 -I need a full issue. -I can do that. 29 00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:53,154 -Written by tomorrow morning. -No problem, Mr. Fieldstone. 30 00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,031 I'm fast, I'm a great speller. 31 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:58,701 Four stories, seven pages each, zero margin for error. 32 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,204 I'll write them on spec. If you like them, then great. 33 00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,832 If not, there's plenty more where that came from. 34 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:04,749 All right. 35 00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:09,003 If you have trouble coming up with some ideas, 36 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:10,213 take these springboards. 37 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:11,798 Talk them through with Bernie. 38 00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:13,591 I will. I won't let you down. 39 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:14,968 Bernie! 40 00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:21,891 Gosh, Bernie, all these stories have been done to death. 41 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:25,562 -Aren't there any original ideas anymore? -Says the teenager. 42 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,357 Bernie, you're a genius. 43 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:33,695 What about stories about teenagers and high school? 44 00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:35,822 Pep Comics doesn't have any of those, right? 45 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:40,410 Uh-- Al says he doesn't relate to them. But teenagers do buy our books. 46 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,745 Well, shucks, me and my friends do. 47 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:47,709 What about a narrator that's actually a witchy lunch lady? 48 00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:49,460 Or a creepy janitor? 49 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:54,299 We can call it "Homeroom of Horrors." Huh? 50 00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:58,636 -You think Mr. Fieldstone will bite? -Sure. Give it a whirl. 51 00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:08,897 There's my little tortured genius. 52 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:12,191 Think you could take a break from writing the next great American novel 53 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:14,986 and take this glamor-gal to go see a fun flick? 54 00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:20,450 Diabolique is playing at the Babylonium, and I know you don't mind subtitles. 55 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:23,286 Ooh. Could we go tomorrow maybe? I'm on deadline. 56 00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:26,372 Al has asked me to write an entire issue by morning. 57 00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:28,041 An entire issue? 58 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,793 Sounds like a bit of a coup for you. 59 00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:34,005 Yeah, it is. But it's also a lot of pressure. 60 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:36,424 Though if I do a bang-up job on these pages tonight, 61 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:38,927 Fieldstone could ask me to be one of his go-to's. 62 00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:43,222 Okay. Okay, my French thriller about murderous school teachers can wait. 63 00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,975 But since I'm here, maybe I can help you. 64 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:49,312 -How far have you gotten? -I'm almost done with my first story. 65 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:51,439 I'm all ears. What's it about? 66 00:03:51,522 --> 00:03:54,275 Sports-themed. Because what's scarier than gym class? 67 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:57,570 And it has a narrator, like all of my yell­ yarns will. 68 00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,572 Um, called the Key-Keeper. 69 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,243 I had one of the artists at Pep Comics do a mock-up. 70 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,703 -It's pretty nifty, right? -The niftiest. 71 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,372 Looks like a real charmer. 72 00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:11,250 [Key-Keeper] Well, well, well. 73 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:14,879 If it isn't another problem child. 74 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:18,633 You're looking for a little mischief and mayhem, aren't you? 75 00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:21,886 Well, maybe I can be of some assistance. 76 00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:26,474 I'm the Key-Keeper, you see. 77 00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:30,561 The midnight custodian of this schoolhouse of horrors. 78 00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:36,067 Come along and let's wake the dead with a real spine-twister, shall we? 79 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:44,325 I call this sordid little tale "Keep Your Head in the Game." 80 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:45,243 [whistle blows] 81 00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:49,289 Every team has one. The runt, the klutz, the pipsqueak. 82 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:55,086 On the Bulldogs basketball team, that half-pint was Dilton Doiley, 83 00:04:55,169 --> 00:04:59,299 who was short, near-sighted, and uncoordinated. 84 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,762 At the end of one particularly grueling practice, 85 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:08,433 Coach Kleats had the team line up for free throws. 86 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:12,353 No one could leave until everyone had made a basket. 87 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:16,190 But Dilton couldn't make a shot to save his life. 88 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:20,320 Come on, Doiley, get your head in the game. 89 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,078 Maybe you need a little motivation. 90 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:31,456 [whistle blows] 91 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,793 [Key-Keeper] Coach Kleats had the other players start running laps 92 00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:39,505 until Dilton sunk one lousy bucket. 93 00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:41,132 You're a dead man, Doiley. 94 00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:43,551 [Key-Keeper] Poor Dilton. 95 00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:49,057 He would soon learn the true meaning of the term "foul play." 96 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,019 What the hell is wrong with you, Doiley? 97 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,980 [stuttering] I-- I'm sorry, fellas. 98 00:05:57,356 --> 00:05:58,441 I'm trying my best. 99 00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:02,987 Why are you even here if you can't make one stinking basket? 100 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,031 I just wanted to be part of a team. 101 00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:07,075 Then be the damn water boy. 102 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:10,495 Hmm. It's like what Coach Kleats said... 103 00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:13,331 you gotta get your head in the game. 104 00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:16,250 How...? How do I do that? 105 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:19,378 Maybe a night stuffed in a locker will help you figure it out. 106 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:23,257 What? No, guys! Guys! Guys, please! Please, don't do it. 107 00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:27,178 No, please. Please, please. You don't understand. Stop! I can't-- 108 00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:29,806 -Don't leave me here! -Hey, maybe this isn't such a good idea. 109 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:30,765 Stuff it, Andrews 110 00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:32,892 [Dilton] I can't be here alone. Please. 111 00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:34,602 -Doiley's gotta learn. -[Dilton] I can't-- 112 00:06:34,685 --> 00:06:36,604 He's gonna start pulling his weight... 113 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,651 or we're gonna murder him. 114 00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:43,903 [Julian chuckles] 115 00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:45,279 No, don't go! 116 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,115 Please! Please, don't go! 117 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:51,202 Don't leave me here! I can't do this! No! No! Please! 118 00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:55,039 [Key-Keeper] What these merciless jocks didn't know 119 00:06:55,123 --> 00:07:01,796 was that Dilton Doiley was born morbidly claustrophobic. 120 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:07,802 [breathing heavily] 121 00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:09,220 [door opens] 122 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:16,686 So by the time the day shift found and released Dilton the next morning, 123 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:22,650 Dilton had suffered a complete psychotic break. 124 00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:27,447 He was a changed man. 125 00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:30,491 A mad man, you might say. 126 00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:34,495 Hell-bent on revenge against the Bulldogs. 127 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:42,587 Then it was just a matter of lying in wait for his teammates to reconvene 128 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:45,965 for basketball practice later that afternoon. 129 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:51,721 Luckily, Dilton had the perfect hidey-hole from which to pop out 130 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,056 and surprise his teammates. 131 00:07:55,600 --> 00:08:00,897 After which, Dilton could dedicate himself to perfecting his free-throw technique. 132 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,399 Gotta keep my head in the game. 133 00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:07,403 -Gotta keep my head in the game. -[Kleats] Attaboy, Doiley. 134 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,200 [eerie music playing] 135 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:30,551 [Kleats screaming] 136 00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:32,845 Gotta keep my head in the game. 137 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,515 Gotta keep my head in the game. 138 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:36,682 [Kleats] Help! 139 00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,601 Gotta keep my head in the game. 140 00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:42,855 Gotta keep my head in the game. Gotta keep my head in the game. 141 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,074 Good for Dilton. Those awful bullies got what was coming to them. 142 00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:57,245 Exactly. And you see, that's what nitwits like Werthers just don't understand. 143 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:58,663 What exactly? 144 00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:03,125 These so-called "degenerate comics" are actually bite-sized morality tales. 145 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,587 Especially those that involve Julian Blossom getting his head chopped off. 146 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,714 I mean, you joke, but it's true. 147 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,634 Yes, comics can be over-the-top and bloody sometimes, 148 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,595 but in these stories, people that break the rules get punished. 149 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,639 People who are cruel to others get punished. 150 00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,641 People who have lustful sex get punished. 151 00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:20,226 Lustful sex, did you say? 152 00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:24,188 -Tell me more about that, Juggiekins. -[chuckles] 153 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:27,024 I've got a tale for you. And it starts, believe it or not, 154 00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,985 on a dark and stormy night. 155 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:33,114 With a flat tire near an isolated mansion, 156 00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:38,202 and a young, strapping man in need of assistance. 157 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,912 [thunder rumbling and crashing] 158 00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:44,166 Yes? May I help you? 159 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:48,462 I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, ma'am, but my hot rod got a flat tire. 160 00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:52,341 -Must have ran over a nail or something. -Oh, how dreadful. 161 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:55,595 And now, here you are stranded, you poor dear. 162 00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,597 Why don't you come inside? 163 00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:01,058 You can use our telephone to call a garage. 164 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,186 At this hour? Oh, they'll be closed, ma'am. 165 00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:07,982 Would it be too much trouble if I stayed the night? 166 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:12,278 That way, in the morning, I can call the garage and I'll be out of your hair. 167 00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:14,113 I suppose. 168 00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:17,867 But I'm afraid the storm has knocked out our power, 169 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,952 but you can warm yourself by the fire. 170 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,413 Well, come in. Come in. 171 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:24,498 Oh, you look a fright. 172 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,881 [Key-Keeper] They say a picture is worth a thousand words, 173 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:36,677 but I only need two for this one: "Hubba, hubba." 174 00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:41,265 [clears throat] 175 00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:44,143 Thank you for the tea, ma'am, it's... 176 00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:46,562 I already feel better. 177 00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:50,983 There's not much in this world that a strong cup of tea 178 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,361 and a roaring fire can't fix. 179 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:56,614 And you're welcome to stay in my guest room tonight. 180 00:10:57,406 --> 00:10:59,992 Thank you, ma'am. That's very kind of you. 181 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:05,289 However, there are one or two ground rules you must observe. 182 00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:08,459 Of course. Of course. Anything. 183 00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:14,006 Once you are in your room, you must stay there all night. 184 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:19,595 And you must lock the door and keep it locked for the entire night. 185 00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:23,391 Any particular reason why? 186 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:27,895 Alas, yes. I'm not alone in this house. 187 00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:33,818 My granddaughter lives with me, and she's not quite in her right mind. 188 00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:39,824 She has this compulsive craving for intimate physical, 189 00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:45,162 some might even say inappropriate touching. 190 00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:47,748 -Really? -Oh, yes. 191 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:49,875 She's ravenous for it. 192 00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:53,379 Can't keep her hands to herself. 193 00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,884 Wow, that's... 194 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,471 I mean, that sounds-- Wow. 195 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:08,185 She's even been known to sneak into the bedrooms of strange young men 196 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,895 in the middle of the night 197 00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:13,983 in order to get her fix, as it were. 198 00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:19,905 Is... 199 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,869 -that your granddaughter? -Mm-hm. 200 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:28,789 Yes, it is. She's beautiful, isn't she? 201 00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:34,837 Well, it's getting late. Let's get you settled, shall we? 202 00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,180 [Key-Keeper] Surely some rules were meant to be broken. 203 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:49,852 Especially when the consequences might prove to be downright titillating. 204 00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:55,649 [door creaking] 205 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,032 [approaching footsteps] 206 00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:11,707 [Cheryl] You're here. 207 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:13,918 You came. 208 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:19,465 -Are you the old lady's granddaughter? -Yes, I'm Cheryl. 209 00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:22,343 I'm so glad you're here. 210 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:27,264 It's been so long since I've gotten to touch... like this. 211 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:30,559 I sure am happy to be here too. 212 00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:33,020 -Let me just light a candle. -No. No. 213 00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:34,688 -Oh. -No. 214 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,442 What we're about to do is best done in darkness. 215 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:39,777 Now kiss me. 216 00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:44,031 And let me feel you. 217 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:51,830 [Key-Keeper] Avert your eyes, pervert, and turn the page... 218 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:56,252 to a bright new day. 219 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,219 [Nana Rose] How was your night, young man? 220 00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:07,388 Did you sleep well? 221 00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:12,184 It was incredible. [chuckles] 222 00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,020 Thank you again for the hospitality. 223 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:19,692 I, uh... I saw your granddaughter, I think. 224 00:14:19,775 --> 00:14:20,693 By the window. 225 00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:25,030 So, what's wrong with her? Some kind of mental illness? 226 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:29,952 Oh, Cheryl was once youthful and vibrant like any young girl her age. 227 00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:34,415 But she wanted adventure, and I couldn't help but indulge her. 228 00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:40,170 She took a trip to some tropical jungle in some far-off place, 229 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:43,757 and unfortunately, while she was there, 230 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:47,386 she contracted a rare form of leprosy. 231 00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:52,016 Leprosy? 232 00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:56,020 Horrible, terrible, disfiguring disease. 233 00:14:56,103 --> 00:15:00,691 Rotting her swollen flesh away, and incredibly painful. 234 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:07,114 Now she can't be around other people because it's so very contagious, you know. 235 00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:12,119 But-- I mean, you don't... 236 00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:15,873 Oh, no. I was exposed as a child 237 00:15:15,956 --> 00:15:17,416 and so I'm immune. 238 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:19,335 I don't suppose you... 239 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,587 Am immune? No. 240 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:25,299 Mercifully, she'll soon succumb to the leprosy and die. 241 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:29,470 Which is why I do everything in my power to ensure 242 00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:34,308 that she relishes her final days on Earth. 243 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:37,561 [stammering] Wait, what do you mean by that? 244 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,315 It was no accident that brought you here, young man. 245 00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:45,486 How do you think those nails got on to that road? 246 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:49,031 I did warn you. 247 00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:54,703 I gave you a chance to lock that door and be a good boy. 248 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:58,040 And now you're almost certainly infected as well. 249 00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,959 [Cheryl] After last night, we're going to be together, 250 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:02,670 forever and ever. 251 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,463 'Til death do us part. 252 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:07,383 [screaming] 253 00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:16,475 Well, that was grotesque. 254 00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,019 What was the moral there? 255 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,938 Don't trust creepy old ladies 256 00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:24,942 and their nymphomaniac, leprosy-ridden granddaughters? 257 00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:28,529 Well, it's more of a "curiosity killed the cat" message, 258 00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:29,988 -I think. -Ah. 259 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:33,117 Or, don't engage in heavy petting in the dark with someone 260 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,327 if you haven't got proper protection. 261 00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:40,582 You know, I'm hearing that Archie and Cheryl broke up. 262 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,752 And that, in the end, they didn't do much more than neck. 263 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:49,383 Oh, yeah? Well, who can keep up with all the horny teens at Riverdale High? 264 00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:52,302 I mean, what else is there to do? 265 00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:55,431 It's why God created high school. 266 00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:02,563 So there'd be a place where boys could chase girls and vice versa. 267 00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:04,273 Yeah. 268 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:09,403 I mean, girls will do just about anything to get a boy's attention. 269 00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:13,031 Including feigning an interest in comic books, apparently. 270 00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:20,456 [Key-Keeper] Every school has one. 271 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:23,083 The plain Jane with the ponytail mane. 272 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,294 The sweater-set waiting for better-yet, 273 00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:29,048 whom none of the boys seem to sic their sights on. 274 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:33,135 Bland Betty was little more than an invisible girl. 275 00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:40,225 Yes, my foul fiends, Betty's prospects of landing a date were very grave, indeed. 276 00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:44,980 So she followed the advice of her favorite beauty mags. 277 00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:47,816 And, now, how can I help you, hon? 278 00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,070 I would like a new look, please. 279 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:55,157 Oh. What's giving you the gringles, dollface? 280 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,326 I just feel so... 281 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,245 unseen. 282 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:04,208 All the girls at my school have beaus, and it's just like I'm a... 283 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,419 ghost. 284 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:11,131 I need something else, something new. 285 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:14,009 Something amazing that will get all the boys' attention. 286 00:18:14,092 --> 00:18:17,721 Well, I gotta tell you, this ponytail, it's doing you no favors. 287 00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:22,267 But, but, but, I just came back from my fabulous honeymoon abroad, 288 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,312 and there's this new hairstyle that is all the rage in Europe. 289 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:26,772 Really? What is it? 290 00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,399 It's called "The Beehive." 291 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,151 Beehive? 292 00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:33,904 Sounds sophisticated. 293 00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:34,863 Oh, it is. 294 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,616 So we tease up all your hair, put in some extensions, 295 00:18:37,699 --> 00:18:39,660 and then roll it all up into a dome. 296 00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:41,245 Just like a hive. 297 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,664 A "hive" hive? 298 00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:46,125 I know it sounds silly, but wait till you see it. 299 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,710 All the girls in England and France, they just love it. 300 00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:50,629 And the boys, they're crazy about it. 301 00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:54,341 And, on my mother's grave, may she rest in peace, 302 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:59,012 you're gonna get all the attention you've ever wanted and then some. 303 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,891 What the heck, if it's good enough for the Parisians, 304 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,309 it's good enough for me. 305 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:05,519 Oh, smart girl. 306 00:19:05,602 --> 00:19:07,271 You're gonna look so chic. 307 00:19:07,354 --> 00:19:09,690 Now, there's just one thing. 308 00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:12,067 Once we get your goldilocks up into the hive, 309 00:19:12,150 --> 00:19:15,154 you're not gonna be able to wash your hair or undo it ever. 310 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,949 Oh, well, how do I maintain it? 311 00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:20,534 With this hairspray. 312 00:19:20,617 --> 00:19:22,870 Use throughout the day as needed. 313 00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:27,583 Oh, well, my mom says I'm supposed to wash my hair every other day 314 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,126 or at least once a week. 315 00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:32,754 With all due respect to your dear mama, I'm the professional. 316 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:35,340 And you do wanna look beautiful, am I right? 317 00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:38,135 ["She's Sweet" playing] 318 00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:42,181 [Key-Keeper] The next day, an all-new Betty showed up at school. 319 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:46,226 Her coif climbed to such heights, it rivaled the Tower of Babel. 320 00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:49,980 And similarly, it got everybody talking. 321 00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:52,941 All the boys went "goo-goo-gaga." 322 00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:59,781 And as for the girls, well, they were positively gangrene with envy. 323 00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:07,956 ♪ Her lips are so red Her eyes are so blue ♪ 324 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,084 ♪ They sparkle like morning dew... ♪ 325 00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,336 [Veronica coughing] 326 00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,466 Watch where you're spraying, Betty. 327 00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,092 You know that ridiculous hairstyle 328 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:24,056 will never change the fact you'll always be a ponytail princess on the inside? 329 00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:29,311 [Key-Keeper] Betty didn't care what Cheryl and Veronica thought. 330 00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:32,606 In fact, that was the first time they'd spoken to her. 331 00:20:32,689 --> 00:20:35,275 And once Betty got that blush of attention, 332 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:39,655 well, she started needing it, feeding off it. 333 00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:41,615 The more hairspray she put in her hair, 334 00:20:41,698 --> 00:20:44,201 the heavier and more shellacked it became, 335 00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:46,912 and the more the boys noticed her. 336 00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:49,206 Can I carry your books to class, Betty? 337 00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:50,832 Aw, gee, thanks, Julian. 338 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,711 Hey, uh, Betty. Can I take you out this Friday night, please? 339 00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:57,130 Archie. I'll think about it. 340 00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:01,385 [Key-Keeper] And Betty stayed true to her word. 341 00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:05,138 She didn't wash her hair or undo it, ever. 342 00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,891 She even slept in her beehive, 343 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:11,645 putting more hairspray on before tucking herself in at night. 344 00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:16,650 And that's when the very bad thing happened. 345 00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:25,993 I swear, in all my years, I've never seen a cuter couple. 346 00:21:26,576 --> 00:21:28,412 She's a cool cookie now, isn't she, Pop? 347 00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:29,997 What do you mean "now"? 348 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,832 Betty's always been a peach. 349 00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:36,044 You're making me blush, Archie. 350 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,754 Hey, I'm a lucky cat. 351 00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:39,548 I'm going out with the ginchiest girl 352 00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:41,758 with the ginchiest hair at Riverdale High. 353 00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:43,969 -["I Got Stung" playing over jukebox] -Mm! 354 00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,888 Best song ever. Come on, snake, let's rattle. 355 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:47,848 Okay. 356 00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:56,189 ♪ I got stung by a sweet honey bee Oh, what a feeling come over me ♪ 357 00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:00,902 Betty, is everything all right? 358 00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:03,030 Whoa, Betty. 359 00:22:04,531 --> 00:22:06,158 Something's not... 360 00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:07,826 Betty? Betty! 361 00:22:07,909 --> 00:22:08,952 Betty. 362 00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:12,080 Someone get some help. 363 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:14,458 Betty's having some kind of fit. 364 00:22:14,958 --> 00:22:16,460 Someone call the hospital! 365 00:22:16,543 --> 00:22:18,670 Oh, God, Betty. 366 00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:22,007 [Key-Keeper] No one could guess how a young girl like Betty, 367 00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:25,302 so full of life, would just drop dead. 368 00:22:26,344 --> 00:22:31,141 Then again, maybe the town's coroner will have the answers. 369 00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:32,350 So young. 370 00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:34,352 So beautiful. 371 00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,606 And what a fascinating hairstyle. 372 00:22:38,982 --> 00:22:39,941 Hmm. 373 00:22:54,456 --> 00:22:55,290 Oh, my. 374 00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:59,419 What have we here? 375 00:22:59,503 --> 00:23:01,588 No. No! 376 00:23:03,173 --> 00:23:04,424 Please, no. 377 00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:07,385 No. Anything but spiders! 378 00:23:07,469 --> 00:23:11,765 [Key-Keeper] Turns out, Betty's hair attracted more than just boys. 379 00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:15,727 A black widow spider had crawled into her tresses that night 380 00:23:15,811 --> 00:23:19,397 and laid a batch of eggs in that ginchy hive of hers. 381 00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:22,317 And when those itsy-bitsy spiders hatched, 382 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,111 they chewed into her brain, 383 00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:28,115 which is what triggered Betty's deadly diner bug-out. 384 00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:29,366 Poor, sweet Betty. 385 00:23:29,449 --> 00:23:31,993 She had to learn her lessons the hard way. 386 00:23:32,661 --> 00:23:37,290 Beauty is only skin deep, and vanity kills. 387 00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:45,966 "Beauty is only skin deep"? 388 00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:47,968 "Vanity kills"? 389 00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:51,346 Are these actually different lessons, 390 00:23:51,429 --> 00:23:53,598 or variations on a theme? 391 00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:57,018 And what's wrong with wanting to look good? 392 00:23:57,102 --> 00:23:58,478 Boys do the same thing. 393 00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:01,898 They toss weights around to turn themselves into he-men. 394 00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:02,983 Uh... 395 00:24:03,066 --> 00:24:06,486 At any rate, by my count, you're down to your last story 396 00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:09,114 and I still haven't had a starring role in one. 397 00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:12,742 Well, say, that's a notion. 398 00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:15,912 Something romantic would be nice. 399 00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:19,416 Or something that focuses on female friendship. 400 00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:23,670 Yeah. What if we did a flip of the classic teenage love triangle? 401 00:24:23,753 --> 00:24:27,424 One in which the girls don't go at each other's throats and catfight. 402 00:24:28,091 --> 00:24:29,926 Now you're singing my tune. 403 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:35,765 Presenting, my fourth and final story of the evening. 404 00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:39,686 A terror-tale I'm calling "My Better Half." 405 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,191 Archie's a good egg, 406 00:24:44,274 --> 00:24:48,069 but a half-wit when it comes to decision-making. 407 00:24:48,945 --> 00:24:53,074 He struggles with the most basic of all multiple-choice questions. 408 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:56,912 Should he go for A, the girl next door? 409 00:24:56,995 --> 00:25:00,916 Or, B, the rich starlet-socialite? 410 00:25:00,999 --> 00:25:04,252 But, in a rare stroke of mad genius, 411 00:25:04,336 --> 00:25:07,881 Archie chose C, both of the above. 412 00:25:07,964 --> 00:25:10,300 So on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, 413 00:25:10,383 --> 00:25:11,801 Archie takes Betty out. 414 00:25:11,885 --> 00:25:14,054 And on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, 415 00:25:14,137 --> 00:25:16,223 he takes out Veronica. 416 00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:19,017 The one downside to this break-neck schedule 417 00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:24,147 was that Archie would, on occasion, collapse from sheer exhaustion. 418 00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:26,524 But it was nothing that couldn't be rectified 419 00:25:26,608 --> 00:25:28,360 with a strong cup of coffee. 420 00:25:28,443 --> 00:25:29,861 Or four. 421 00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:35,700 But even for a strapping young buck, six dates a week will wear a fella out. 422 00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:38,245 That's why Archie saved Sundays for himself. 423 00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:42,165 To rest, recover, and replenish for the week ahead. 424 00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:49,339 Now, you might think Archie would try to keep his relationships a secret, 425 00:25:49,422 --> 00:25:50,840 but he didn't. 426 00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:53,843 Betty and Veronica knew he was dating the other. 427 00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:58,848 Still, each girl wanted Archie all to herself. 428 00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:02,811 They're playing Double Indemnity at the Babylonium tomorrow night, 429 00:26:02,894 --> 00:26:05,146 if you want to play a little back-row bingo. 430 00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:07,899 Oh, I wish I could swing it, but I got plans. 431 00:26:07,983 --> 00:26:10,819 Meaning, you've got a date with Veronica. 432 00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:13,488 When are you gonna drop that vapid airhead? 433 00:26:13,571 --> 00:26:15,657 Oh, please, don't get razzled. 434 00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:16,908 Why shouldn't I? 435 00:26:17,575 --> 00:26:21,162 Having to share my beau with that smelly tomboy. 436 00:26:21,746 --> 00:26:22,956 Don't I make you happy? 437 00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:24,291 Of course you do. 438 00:26:24,374 --> 00:26:26,334 Then why aren't I enough? 439 00:26:27,502 --> 00:26:29,671 Oh, come on. It's not like that. 440 00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:32,674 Hey, you guys are both so different. 441 00:26:33,133 --> 00:26:35,218 But let me let you in on a little secret. 442 00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:40,307 [whispers] You're my favorite. 443 00:26:41,975 --> 00:26:43,601 -Really? -Really? 444 00:26:43,685 --> 00:26:45,145 Oh, Archie. 445 00:26:49,399 --> 00:26:51,109 How do you do it, Andrews? 446 00:26:51,192 --> 00:26:53,737 Two broads at the same time. What's your secret? 447 00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:56,781 All right, listen, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once, okay? 448 00:26:57,574 --> 00:26:59,659 You tell them what they wanna hear. 449 00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:02,912 That, yes, I'm seeing other girls, but... 450 00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:05,415 I'm only serious about you. 451 00:27:05,999 --> 00:27:09,627 You feed them the same three simple words. 452 00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:15,050 "You're my favorite." 453 00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:20,180 Technically, that's four words, 454 00:27:20,263 --> 00:27:21,723 "You're" is a contraction. 455 00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:23,308 "You are my favorite." 456 00:27:23,391 --> 00:27:25,769 -Four words. -Shut up, Doiley. 457 00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:28,313 We're learning from Don Juan here. 458 00:27:29,439 --> 00:27:31,941 But don't you ever get... 459 00:27:33,276 --> 00:27:34,402 exhausted? 460 00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:39,199 Sure, but that's why God invented Sundays, and coffee. 461 00:27:39,282 --> 00:27:40,533 [boys chuckling] 462 00:27:41,785 --> 00:27:45,413 Things might've kept humming along as-is until graduation day, 463 00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:48,625 but the Good Ship Archie was headed for an iceberg. 464 00:27:48,708 --> 00:27:50,710 Valentine's Day, 465 00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:53,797 which, this year, disastrously, landed on a Sunday. 466 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:57,133 So, Veronica, who's the lucky guy taking you out for Valentine's Day? 467 00:27:57,842 --> 00:27:59,177 Archiekins, of course. 468 00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:02,013 Keep dreaming. Archie is my date. 469 00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:05,266 You know, Betty, for a smart girl, you really are dense. 470 00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:08,436 Archie is gonna spend V-Day with his best girl. 471 00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:10,480 And that's me. 472 00:28:10,563 --> 00:28:12,315 -Says you. -Says him. 473 00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:15,819 Archiekins says the only reason he spends time with you 474 00:28:15,902 --> 00:28:18,113 is because you're a charity case. 475 00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:21,699 First of all, he hates being called "Archiekins." 476 00:28:22,283 --> 00:28:26,079 Second of all, the only reason he spends any time with you at all 477 00:28:26,162 --> 00:28:28,790 is because your ego is so fragile, 478 00:28:28,873 --> 00:28:31,960 he's afraid you might do something desperate or crazy 479 00:28:32,043 --> 00:28:33,294 if he breaks up with you. 480 00:28:33,378 --> 00:28:35,505 He said I'm fragile? 481 00:28:35,588 --> 00:28:37,715 Aw, as a Glamourge Egg. 482 00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:39,884 Well, he told me you're so high-strung, 483 00:28:39,968 --> 00:28:43,054 you sometimes take your mom's sleeping pills to go to bed. 484 00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:45,432 -He told you that? -Mm-hm. 485 00:28:46,057 --> 00:28:48,810 Sounds like someone's been playing you two for fools. 486 00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:54,858 [both] That rat fink. 487 00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:56,860 Archie, you have to choose right now. 488 00:28:56,943 --> 00:28:59,028 Who's gonna be your date for Valentine's Day? 489 00:28:59,112 --> 00:29:00,655 And after you pick me, of course, 490 00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:02,866 you need to end things with Betty, permanently. 491 00:29:02,949 --> 00:29:05,994 Ladies, ladies. Let's all calm down. 492 00:29:06,077 --> 00:29:06,995 In fact... 493 00:29:08,413 --> 00:29:10,623 neither of you can be my date on Valentine's Day. 494 00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:11,833 [both] Why not? 495 00:29:14,127 --> 00:29:15,545 'Cause I'm taking my mom. 496 00:29:16,546 --> 00:29:20,383 You see, it's her first Valentine's Day without my dad, and... 497 00:29:21,885 --> 00:29:24,012 And, well, she needs me. 498 00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:27,390 I hope you guys can understand. 499 00:29:27,474 --> 00:29:29,642 Archie, of course we understand. 500 00:29:29,726 --> 00:29:31,686 That's so sweet and thoughtful. 501 00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:33,897 I'm sorry we pressured you. 502 00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:35,648 Me too. It was her idea. 503 00:29:36,274 --> 00:29:39,027 Well, you guys shouldn't have to miss out on Valentine's Day 504 00:29:39,110 --> 00:29:39,986 on account of me. 505 00:29:40,069 --> 00:29:42,155 There must be some other guys you can go out with. 506 00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:43,698 Yeah, Betty. Find somebody else. 507 00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:44,699 No. 508 00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:46,034 No, it's really okay. 509 00:29:46,117 --> 00:29:49,162 There's an extra-credit report that I've been putting off, so... 510 00:29:49,245 --> 00:29:52,540 As for me, Mademoiselle published a recipe for an egg-white face mask 511 00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:55,001 I've been dying to try, so that'll keep me busy. 512 00:29:55,752 --> 00:29:59,422 Okay, so you're both staying in this Sunday night, then? 513 00:30:06,054 --> 00:30:08,473 -[door opens] -[jazz music playing over speakers] 514 00:30:08,556 --> 00:30:11,267 But when Sunday night rolled around, 515 00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:16,147 Betty and Veronica decided against staying in 516 00:30:16,231 --> 00:30:20,109 and went on a Valentine's date together. 517 00:30:20,735 --> 00:30:22,153 [door opens, bells jingle] 518 00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:26,407 So imagine their surprise when who should walk in, but... 519 00:30:30,495 --> 00:30:31,746 He wouldn't. 520 00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:33,122 He couldn't. 521 00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:35,458 [both] That rat fink. 522 00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:42,549 Wait. 523 00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:44,092 Whatever you're about to do... 524 00:30:45,927 --> 00:30:47,679 I have a much better idea. 525 00:30:57,146 --> 00:30:58,106 Betty. 526 00:30:59,315 --> 00:31:00,149 Veronica. 527 00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:01,359 What's going on? 528 00:31:01,442 --> 00:31:04,362 We were wondering how your Valentine's date went with your mom. 529 00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:07,282 Yeah. It was nice. 530 00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:08,241 Quiet. 531 00:31:09,617 --> 00:31:10,451 Why? 532 00:31:10,535 --> 00:31:13,871 Well, because a night off gave us a chance to reflect, 533 00:31:13,955 --> 00:31:16,583 and since you've been having such a hard time 534 00:31:16,666 --> 00:31:18,710 deciding between the two of us, 535 00:31:19,294 --> 00:31:20,336 we were thinking... 536 00:31:21,796 --> 00:31:23,715 What If you had us both? 537 00:31:26,843 --> 00:31:28,845 At the exact same time? 538 00:31:29,596 --> 00:31:32,432 For a very, very special date. 539 00:31:34,684 --> 00:31:35,810 Really? 540 00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:36,936 [both] Really. 541 00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:40,273 Say no more. 542 00:31:40,982 --> 00:31:42,358 I'll pick you both up tonight. 543 00:31:42,442 --> 00:31:45,945 We'll head over to Lovers' Lane. I know the perfect spot. Nice and private. 544 00:31:46,487 --> 00:31:50,033 Actually, Betty had an interesting idea. 545 00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:53,411 I was thinking we could meet in shop class. 546 00:31:53,494 --> 00:31:54,954 After hours, of course. 547 00:31:55,830 --> 00:31:57,290 Why would we go there? 548 00:31:57,832 --> 00:31:58,917 Don't you know? 549 00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,252 It's soundproof. 550 00:32:01,794 --> 00:32:06,674 And we plan on making a lot of noise. 551 00:32:13,181 --> 00:32:16,017 [both] Come, Archie. Join us. 552 00:32:20,563 --> 00:32:22,065 Wait. 553 00:32:22,148 --> 00:32:23,983 You're forgetting something. 554 00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,028 Your coffee. 555 00:32:28,071 --> 00:32:31,741 We took the liberty of brewing it extra strong for you tonight. 556 00:32:31,824 --> 00:32:34,911 Guys, I really don't think I'm gonna need a boost tonight. 557 00:32:34,994 --> 00:32:37,580 Now, now, no need to posture. 558 00:32:38,122 --> 00:32:41,209 You'll want all your energy for what we have planned. 559 00:32:41,292 --> 00:32:42,251 Promise. 560 00:32:42,335 --> 00:32:44,629 Cross our hearts and hope to die. 561 00:32:50,885 --> 00:32:51,886 Mm. 562 00:32:59,018 --> 00:33:00,978 [echoing] Everything all right, Archiekins? 563 00:33:01,854 --> 00:33:03,606 Yeah. No, I'm good. I just... 564 00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,122 Someone's waking up, Vee. 565 00:33:19,205 --> 00:33:21,374 [Veronica] I think you're right, Bee. 566 00:33:21,457 --> 00:33:23,126 Welcome back, handsome. 567 00:33:25,795 --> 00:33:26,629 What's happening? 568 00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:29,382 Apologies if you're experiencing a splitting headache. 569 00:33:29,465 --> 00:33:33,052 I wasn't sure how many of my mom's sleeping pills to slip into your coffee. 570 00:33:33,136 --> 00:33:35,638 Whatever it is, I'm sure we can figure it out. 571 00:33:35,722 --> 00:33:38,141 But it's already been figured out, silly. 572 00:33:38,224 --> 00:33:40,560 Trust us, this is a perfect solution. 573 00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:43,688 After all, a problem shared is a problem solved. 574 00:33:43,771 --> 00:33:44,939 Shall we, Vee? 575 00:33:45,023 --> 00:33:46,274 [Veronica] After you, Bee. 576 00:33:46,357 --> 00:33:48,443 Wait, wait, wait. Wait! 577 00:33:48,526 --> 00:33:51,029 Wait, hold on! Hold on! 578 00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:56,242 [screams] 579 00:33:56,325 --> 00:33:59,120 Stop! Stop, stop, stop! 580 00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:02,040 This won't hurt... much. 581 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,876 [in unison] We just wanna double our fun. 582 00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:07,128 [screaming] 583 00:34:07,211 --> 00:34:09,213 [jubilant '50s pop music playing] 584 00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:19,640 [Key-Keeper] Here, for the first time, 585 00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:22,894 Betty and Veronica are with their beloved Archie 586 00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:26,022 on the same night, at the same time, 587 00:34:26,105 --> 00:34:31,235 secure in the knowledge that they'll never have to share him again. 588 00:34:32,028 --> 00:34:35,156 Didn't I tell you he was a half-wit? 589 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:37,033 [Key-Keeper chuckling] 590 00:34:43,706 --> 00:34:44,791 [Jughead] Well? 591 00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:47,877 What did you think of the tag-team twist at the end? 592 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,588 O. Henry, eat your heart out, am I right? 593 00:34:51,130 --> 00:34:52,548 I have... 594 00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:54,717 opinions. 595 00:34:55,301 --> 00:34:56,135 Okey-dokey. 596 00:34:57,970 --> 00:35:00,681 I'm detecting a pattern, Jughead. 597 00:35:01,724 --> 00:35:05,561 The sexual politics in most of your stories are... 598 00:35:06,145 --> 00:35:07,814 troubling, to say the least. 599 00:35:09,023 --> 00:35:11,109 Veronica, gosh. 600 00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:14,237 You may be overthinking this. 601 00:35:14,987 --> 00:35:16,864 These stories are just meant to be a gas. 602 00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:18,241 For whom? 603 00:35:18,741 --> 00:35:21,410 Not teen girls. Not when you're depicting them like... 604 00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,539 shallow, crazy killers. 605 00:35:25,081 --> 00:35:26,499 Is that what you think of us? 606 00:35:27,291 --> 00:35:28,709 No. Of course not. 607 00:35:29,252 --> 00:35:31,129 The boys aren't great shakes, either. 608 00:35:31,212 --> 00:35:33,589 So you admit you're demonizing women? 609 00:35:34,173 --> 00:35:35,091 Veronica... 610 00:35:36,175 --> 00:35:37,260 it's just a comic book. 611 00:35:44,767 --> 00:35:45,685 Anyhoo... 612 00:35:46,727 --> 00:35:47,645 I'm done now. 613 00:35:48,229 --> 00:35:51,315 Why don't we catch that last showing of Diabolique at the Babylonium? 614 00:35:51,858 --> 00:35:54,610 -What do you say? My treat. -I think... 615 00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:58,072 I'll take a page from your last story... 616 00:35:58,865 --> 00:35:59,991 and split. 617 00:36:02,368 --> 00:36:05,121 What's going on? Are we not copacetic anymore? 618 00:36:05,204 --> 00:36:06,581 Of course we are. 619 00:36:06,664 --> 00:36:08,624 I'm just tired, is all. 620 00:36:09,292 --> 00:36:11,252 I'll catch you at school tomorrow. Promise. 621 00:36:11,335 --> 00:36:12,628 [thunder rumbling] 622 00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:15,131 [Jughead] And, as easy as that, 623 00:36:15,798 --> 00:36:19,552 whatever soap bubble Veronica and I had been in just burst. 624 00:36:21,053 --> 00:36:23,890 Tomorrow, at school, things would be different. 625 00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:29,896 We'd no longer be the Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller of Riverdale High. 626 00:36:29,979 --> 00:36:31,314 We'd pass each other in the hall, 627 00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:33,441 but she'd once again be the beautiful socialite 628 00:36:33,524 --> 00:36:35,860 and I'd be the Melvin who writes comic books. 629 00:36:36,527 --> 00:36:40,531 The kind that hopefully weren't corrupting the youth of America. 630 00:36:41,157 --> 00:36:42,992 [Featherhead] "Don't be fooled by their name. 631 00:36:43,075 --> 00:36:45,161 These publications are anything but comic. 632 00:36:45,244 --> 00:36:47,830 In their pages, crime is glorified. 633 00:36:48,456 --> 00:36:52,126 Acts of wanton carnality are celebrated. 634 00:36:53,419 --> 00:36:54,962 Stabbings, and beheadings, 635 00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:56,797 and disembowelings are commonplace, 636 00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:58,716 vividly depicted, 637 00:36:58,799 --> 00:37:02,136 and offered up to our children like so much bubblegum. 638 00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:05,890 And if anyone doubts the insidious effects of this subversive medium, 639 00:37:05,973 --> 00:37:09,977 let me stress what my extensive research has proven time and again. 640 00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:12,730 There is a direct and undeniable link 641 00:37:12,813 --> 00:37:17,234 between gruesome acts of brutality depicted in the pages of comic books 642 00:37:17,318 --> 00:37:20,321 and similar acts of savagery committed in real life 643 00:37:20,404 --> 00:37:23,282 by the juveniles who read these comic books. 644 00:37:24,075 --> 00:37:25,910 Our children are being seduced. 645 00:37:25,993 --> 00:37:27,245 By violence. 646 00:37:27,328 --> 00:37:28,329 By sex. 647 00:37:28,955 --> 00:37:29,997 By depravity. 648 00:37:30,831 --> 00:37:35,294 Their innocence must be preserved by any means necessary." 649 00:37:36,629 --> 00:37:40,424 I congratulate you, Dr. Werthers. That's a brilliant editorial. 650 00:37:40,967 --> 00:37:43,469 The soon-to-be-forgotten Muggs murders, 651 00:37:44,011 --> 00:37:46,305 small potatoes compared to the threat to America 652 00:37:46,389 --> 00:37:48,266 that you have outlined for us tonight. 653 00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:49,809 Thank you, Mr. Mayor. 654 00:37:49,892 --> 00:37:52,937 I consider it my civic and moral duty. 655 00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:55,773 That's why these so-called creators 656 00:37:55,856 --> 00:38:00,695 of these dangerous and morally reprehensible stories 657 00:38:00,778 --> 00:38:02,279 must be held accountable, 658 00:38:02,363 --> 00:38:05,700 and punished to the full extent of the law. 659 00:38:08,995 --> 00:38:10,955 [Fieldstone] I've been reading your stories, Jones, 660 00:38:11,038 --> 00:38:14,250 and I gotta say, I love them. This is incredible stuff. 661 00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:16,585 Thank you, Mr. Fieldstone. I, um... 662 00:38:17,670 --> 00:38:20,089 -I needed a win today. -How come? 663 00:38:21,048 --> 00:38:23,926 Ah. Let me guess. Girl trouble? 664 00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:25,052 Yeah. 665 00:38:25,886 --> 00:38:26,721 I... 666 00:38:27,596 --> 00:38:29,765 had this sweet thing going with this one gal, 667 00:38:29,849 --> 00:38:32,685 but then she read my comics, and then... 668 00:38:33,644 --> 00:38:37,648 Well, she took it the wrong way. I don't think she liked what I was saying. 669 00:38:37,732 --> 00:38:39,525 I don't even know what that means. 670 00:38:39,608 --> 00:38:43,446 But you busted your ass to turn those stories around overnight. 671 00:38:44,071 --> 00:38:47,074 And I think you deserve a little something extra for that. 672 00:38:47,158 --> 00:38:48,617 -A bonus? -Oh, God, no. 673 00:38:48,701 --> 00:38:49,660 What, are you nuts? 674 00:38:49,744 --> 00:38:51,620 No, I'm thinking credit. 675 00:38:51,704 --> 00:38:53,247 -Your name-- -On the cover? 676 00:38:53,330 --> 00:38:56,125 God, no. A byline. 677 00:38:56,667 --> 00:38:58,169 On the inside, but still. 678 00:38:58,252 --> 00:38:59,503 It's my name in print. 679 00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:02,840 Oh, golly, that would be incredible, Mr. Fieldstone. 680 00:39:02,923 --> 00:39:04,342 My friends would flip. 681 00:39:04,425 --> 00:39:08,346 How does Jughead "Jugular" Jones sound for a byline? 682 00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:10,556 Oh. [whistles] 683 00:39:10,639 --> 00:39:12,933 -I'm crazy for it. -Yeah. 684 00:39:13,017 --> 00:39:14,852 Now, you listen to me, kid. 685 00:39:14,935 --> 00:39:17,646 I don't know much, but do I know this. 686 00:39:17,730 --> 00:39:20,900 Girls come and go, but your name in print? 687 00:39:21,442 --> 00:39:24,987 That's a thing that'll make people sit up and take notice. 688 00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:27,698 [Jughead] Little did any of us imagine 689 00:39:27,782 --> 00:39:30,910 how prophetic Mr. Fieldstone's words would turn out to be. ght.