[Jughead] After Dr. Werthers' editorial,
comic books were periodicals non grata in Riverdale,
just as I'd become one of Pep Comics' go-to writers.
And speaking of Pep Comics,
I noticed some of their recent output bore an uncanny resemblance
to stories written by my favorite pulp writer of all time, Brad Rayberry.
But where was Rayberry's credit?
-[door closes] -Mr. Fieldstone,
the comic book that you just published is, beat for beat,
exactly like a story that Brad Rayberry published ten years ago.
Hold on.
The Rayberry story is called November County.
Ours is called November Country.
Is Pep Comics in the business of plagiarizing?
That is an ugly word we never use here, all right?
But it's all coming back to me now.
I dimly remember trying to reach out to this Rayberry guy about a rights inquiry,
but he never returned my calls, so I just assumed he was probably dead.
You know, I've been here a couple of days now
and I've observed a few things.
Take a break, Archie.
Your mom's concerned about you.
And so am I.
The lying, the sneaking around, that business with the Blossom girl.
Your grades are mediocre, and you're not pulling your weight around the house.
How do you think your dad would feel? Think he'd be proud?
What did he say to you before he went off to war?
Remind me.
He said that I should take care of Mom and be the man of the house.
That's right.
Now, do you think you've lived up to that?
No.
Well, you're going to start.
Right now.
Come with me.
Mom, I'm sorry if I've been disrespecting you lately.
I promise I'll be a better son to you.
Thank you, Archie.
I know you will, honey.
Good man.
Tomorrow, we'll talk to your principal about getting your grades up.
["I Feel So Good" playing]
♪ I feel so ♪
♪ Good ♪
♪ Right now ♪
[school bell ringing]
Veronica, can I bend your ear?
Sure, Betty.
What's on your mind?
I was just wondering...
what's sex like?
My goodness.
And I've barely just had my morning java.
Well, all I'm doing is reading about it,
and I just wanted to talk to someone with, you know, first-hand experience.
Okay.
Truth time.
Now, you can't tell anyone, because I have a reputation to uphold,
but, entre nous,
I haven't actually gone all the way with a boy.
Not yet.
I just assumed because you're so...
sexy.
Thanks for noticing.
But, Betty, you don't have to have sex to be sexy.
But how do you--?
How do I carry myself more like you?
Well, there are all sorts of tricks a woman can use
to revel in her body and feel more sensual.
Perfume is one.
Or a heel that puts a sway in your step.
But my favorite little trade secret...
is wearing sexy lingerie.
Lingerie?
I like the way it makes me feel.
The soft fabric against my skin,
knowing that it makes my body look fantastic.
Say, why don't you give lingerie a whirl?
Come over to The Pembrooke after school and try some on.
Okay. Sure.
Good morning, Antoinette.
Here's your novel back.
What did you think of it?
Um...
I like the cover.
There's something aesthetically pleasing
about two voluptuous, feminine forms in close proximity to each other.
Voluptuous, huh?
Well, how about you and I go to the Dark Room
and grab a cappuccino in privacy,
where we can feed each other apple butter about the cover art?
No, I couldn't possibly. I'm far too busy getting ready to relaunch my Vixens.
Oh, yes.
Your paper shakers.
I would ask you to join,
but I'm sure being a cheerleader is far too square
for a girl greaser like you.
Sir, I swear on a stack of Bibles
that I'm gonna double down on my schoolwork and get my grades up.
I wanna be at least a B student.
I'm happy to hear that, Archie.
I feel as if there's much...
untapped potential within you.
[chuckles softly]
And, Frank, your timing couldn't be better.
I wonder, might I have a word with you in private?
Of course.
Archie, will you excuse us?
Uh, sure.
Okay, girls, let's fire it up and see what we're working with.
["Too Darn Hot" playing]
♪ It's too darn hot ♪
Hope I'm not too late.
I'm sorry, you're not on our list.
-Better luck next year-- -Evelyn.
Are you the captain?
Oh. No, that's right. That would be me.
So quit biting at my ankles and shut your trap.
You're not too late, Toni.
In fact, you're first up.
I assume you prepared a routine.
I did.
We got the pep
We got the...
["Too Darn Hot" playing]
♪ It's too darn hot ♪
♪ I'd like to sup with my baby tonight ♪
♪ Refill the cup with my baby tonight ♪
♪ I'd like to sup with my baby tonight ♪
♪ Refill the cup with my baby tonight ♪
♪ But I ain't up to my baby tonight ♪
♪ 'Cause it's too darn hot... ♪
[Toni] Riverdale High School
That's our team
Well, razz my berries and put them in a jelly jar.
I haven't seen that kind of pom-pom technique in years.
Since I alone speak for the Vixens,
I would like to officially offer you a spot on the squad.
-Shouldn't we wait 'til we've seen--? -Evelyn.
Until you've proven you can do more than regurgitate a Doris Day shuffle,
I suggest you zip it.
So, looks like I'll be sticking around a while.
Principal Featherhead asked me to be the basketball team's head coach.
Oh, that's great news, Frank.
[Frank] Now that the war's over,
Featherhead wants to bring the Bulldogs back.
Tryouts are tomorrow after school.
I expect to see you there.
Well, if it's all the same to you, I think I might sit this season out.
But you love basketball.
I've been told to focus on my studies, Mom.
Archie, you're young. You can study and play basketball.
You don't want me on the team.
I'm no good. I'm out of practice.
Archie.
It's okay, Mary.
If Archie doesn't feel like he's fit to play,
he can contribute another way...
as a water boy.
[scoffs]
[jazz music playing over record player]
What's the tale, nightingale?
Come out and let me see.
[Betty sighs] I-- I'm not sure.
Don't be modest, Betty. It's just us girls.
I knew it.
I knew it would look perfect on you.
Well, how do you feel?
Sexy as sin?
Hardly. I feel... embarrassed.
Why?
Bettie Page herself would go ape for you.
This was a silly idea.
-I'm gonna change. -Betty, wait.
Come here.
Give yourself a minute to get used to the lace.
Deep breaths.
Now look at yourself.
Look at your beautiful body and repeat after me.
[echoing] I am a gorgeous, powerful, sexy siren
at the height of my womanly powers.
And may God have mercy on the boys of Riverdale High.
[knock on door]
[door unlocks]
Oh, wow.
Mr. Rayberry, uh, I'm Jughead Jones.
I'm a writer over at Pep Comics in Riverdale,
and I know for a fact
they are plagiarizing and publishing your stories for monetary gain.
Huh?
They're ripping you off.
[chain unhooks]
I think you should send them a cease and desist letter
or sue them or something.
Yeah. Hold on. Hold on.
You're employed by Pep Comics?
And you want me to sue Pep Comics? Why?
Well, that might be a bit extreme, but, uh...
[chuckles]
I think you're the tops, and you shouldn't be treated this way.
I, um...
I'm sure it's just some kind of misunderstanding.
Uh, it's...
It's not. It's theft.
I went through all of Pep Comics' back issues.
They've poached, like, eight of your stories.
Um, this is just the latest one.
[Cheryl] Spit it out, Evelyn.
I have some concerns
about our new Vixen, Toni Topaz.
Feeling threatened should only make you work harder.
I just don't think that we should have girls like Toni on our squad.
You best choose your next words very carefully, Evelyn.
Riverdale High is fully integrated, as are the Vixens.
-If you have a problem with that-- -My problem isn't Toni being Black.
Well, it's with the fact that everyone knows she's a lezzie.
And I wouldn't be comfortable naked in the locker room with her.
I don't know where you heard such a disgusting rumor, Evelyn,
but let me clue you in.
Toni Topaz is not a...
whatever that word is.
I wouldn't tolerate such behavior on my squad,
so shut your damn mouth about it.
Now put an egg in your shoe and beat it.
A new episode of Oh, Mija! is about to begin
and you are not invited to stay and watch.
[Lizzo] Topaz.
Scuttlebutt is you're a paper shaker now.
What happened?
Let me guess.
Still bird-dogging that redheaded closet case?
Not that I have to justify my actions to you, Lizzo,
you're currently looking
at Riverdale High's first Black cheerleader ever.
Now, that may not mean a lot to you, but it does to me.
So it's political for you?
Yeah, I got it. That makes sense.
Damn, Topaz, you must really be on the hook.
Not that I blame you.
That's one cherry lollipop I'd happily lick.
[Lizzo giggles]
[clears throat]
What the heck did you do with my car?
That hot rod was an unnecessary distraction, Archie.
It's safe and sound. You'll get it back once your grades are where they should be.
How do you expect me to get to school?
You can walk.
Take the bus, ride your bike.
Or you can hitch a ride with me, but you'd better hustle.
You don't wanna be late for your first day as water boy.
Well? Are you wearing them?
Don't flip out, but I am not.
Betty, how will you ever get used to lace panties
if you don't wear them every day?
I know, but there's gym class later today,
and I didn't want people to see me in them and think I was some kind of nymphomaniac.
Yet another word invented by men who wanna gaslight women.
Anyway, now that I'm your new wingwoman, I've been thinking...
it's time we found you a man
who can appreciate what an incredible, powerful,
beautiful knockout you are.
So now that you and Kevin are no more, who do you have your eye on?
There is someone, actually.
Don't be coy. Who's the lucky duck?
It's Archie.
Yes, Archie is a teen dreamboat, isn't he?
Well, you're in luck.
I spied him in the lounge mere seconds ago.
So why don't you march on in there and ask him out?
Let's do it now before you can talk yourself out of it.
Hi, Archie.
Betty, hey.
What's the scoop?
The scoop is...
do you maybe wanna go to the movies with me?
The movies?
Heck, yeah, Betty. I'd love to take you to the movies.
[Betty] Really?
But I can't.
I can't right now.
It's my Uncle Frank. He's being a real pain in the ass.
He's got me on a trip for biscuits, making me the team water boy.
Maybe he'll ease up in the next couple weeks,
and we can go then?
Of course. Yeah, another time is fine.
[Betty sniffles]
At least he was nice enough to come up with an excuse.
Or it's the truth.
And you just need to let Archie work out his family strife for a bit.
Say, why don't we nab ourselves a couple of good time boys
and go on a double date?
With... With who?
Isn't there an all-boys private school down the lane?
You mean Stonewall Prep?
Mm. J'adore private school boys.
So sexually frustrated,
so easy to torment and manipulate.
[Betty] Hmm.
["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]
Let's see what we have here.
The Story of Forbidden Feminine Love.
I knew it.
Excuse me. Can I help you with something, Evelyn?
It's strange, Toni.
When I asked her, Cheryl insisted that you weren't gaga for girls.
This book tells a different story.
As a matter of fact, I read all kinds of books.
So how about you quit sticking your nose in my business
before I serve you up a knuckle sandwich?
Can you dig it?
Now, why don't you tell me exactly what Cheryl said?
So, what do you think? First issue, hot off the presses.
This is so boss, boss.
To see it in full color and in print with my name...
That's just the final proof.
[approaching footsteps]
Which one of you shucksters is Al Fieldstone?
I am. Who are you?
Brad Rayberry. You've been plagiarizing my short stories for your comic books.
Hey, now. What's to say that two different writers
couldn't have had similar ideas concurrently?
Once, maybe.
But eight times?
You think that's gonna pass muster in the courts?
The courts? [chuckles] You listen to me, pal.
I have got the top lawyers in New York on retainer.
Uh, fellas, acknowledging that someone at some time
might have read a book and been inspired by it,
what if we put Mr. Rayberry's name
on all future reprints of stories that are similar to his
and pay him a modest but appropriate fee for the rights to adapt his work?
How much dough are we talking about?
-How about--? -How about...
a $2 adaptation fee per story?
Deal. But I wanna be compensated for the 8 stories you've already adapted.
Comprende?
[exhales sharply] Deal.
-[door bell jingling] -Well, all's well that ends well.
Eh, Mr. Rayberry?
We shall see.
-So how's this gonna work, anyway? -It's up to you.
You, um, could adapt your own stories,
or you could get a different Pep Comics writer to do it.
Writers like you, maybe?
It would be an honor, sir.
I love all your stories in all the different pulp magazines.
Weird Tales, Startling Stories, Fantastic Adventures.
Does, uh, your old man approve of your literary aspirations?
-Mine sure as hell didn't. -Couldn't tell you.
Did he leave the mortal coil? I'm sorry.
Oh, no. Uh...
He lives in Toledo, I think. He, uh...
There was this big, messy robbery in town a few years back,
and he was the prime suspect.
So he hopped on his bike and split from Riverdale.
Have you written about that?
No.
You should.
You write anything other than funny books?
Yeah. No, I write short stories, but it's been a while.
If I wrote a short story, would you read it?
[sighs] Crud. We were having such a swell time.
I'm yanking your chain. [chuckles]
Sure, I would.
Now, pass me the ketchup, will you?
["Lead Me Father" playing]
♪ When my hands are tired ♪
♪ And my step is slow ♪
♪ Walk beside me ♪
♪ And give me the strength to go ♪
♪ Fill my face with your courage ♪
♪ So defeat won't show ♪
♪ Pick me up when I stumble ♪
♪ So the world won't know ♪
♪ Lead me, Father ♪
♪ With the staff of life ♪
♪ Give me the strength for a song ♪
♪ That the words I sing ♪
♪ Might more strength bring ♪
♪ To help some poor troubled ♪
♪ Weary worker along ♪
[Frank whistling]
Good morning.
-I have good news for you, Archie. -What's that?
I got you a job pumping gas at Pop's.
That's what being man of the house means, Archie.
Taking on multiple responsibilities.
Jughead, this is fat city.
We have to celebrate. Wanna go to Pop's and treat us to burgers?
Man, I wish I could.
But after school, I'm going over to Mr. Rayberry's house.
I want him to read this new story I wrote.
-Cheryl Blossom, we got a big problem. -I concur. It's Midge, right?
No. It's you telling Evelyn Evernever that I don't like girls.
She put down that you were lezzie.
I defended your honor and reputation.
That's the problem.
You don't get to speak for me. You don't get to define me.
You don't get to put me in a box.
I was just trying to protect you.
I don't need a savior.
I'm not ashamed of who I am or who I like.
I never have been, and I never will be.
I don't know what you want me to say.
I'm sorry.
I'm done wasting my time on you, Cheryl, and I'm done with all this pussyfooting.
So I hope that you get to wherever you're going.
But I'm getting off this train. Life's too damn short.
Wait, Toni.
You're right.
I...
am attracted to girls.
Well, that's a start.
And I think maybe, um...
I'm attracted to you.
You think, or you know?
I... I know.
Finally...
we're getting somewhere.
[Jughead] Hey, Mr. Rayberry.
I brought a short story, some prose I wrote last night.
Would you look at it? Just give me your 2 cents?
Sure, but I'm not gonna pull any punches.
Of course. Thank you.
-[kettle whistling] -You want some tea?
Heck, yes.
Be right back. Make yourself comfortable.
[Rayberry humming]
[mellow jazz music playing]
Wait, so Kevin and Clay are also...?
Yeah.
But not many people know about them, so don't go around quoting it.
No. No, of course not.
When I was 10,
my mother and her sister had an awful falling out.
My Aunt Carol ended up moving to Greenwich Village to be a writer.
My mother called her awful things, Toni.
Like...
a sapphic sexual deviant.
Wow.
That was around the time that I started realizing
maybe I was like Aunt Carol.
Even though I'd never get to live like her.
Loving women.
I knew I liked girls as much as I liked boys
for as long as I could remember.
My parents caught me necking
with my neighbor Glenda when I was 13 years old.
Then they kicked me out of the house.
Oh, no, Toni.
And then I moved in with my grandma.
And I can be exactly who I wanna be.
Your grandmother approves?
More or less.
I always believed if I didn't want my family to disown me,
I would have to spend my life playing a part.
That's what that whole thing with Archie was, a role.
And now?
Now...
I'm ready for something else.
I can dig that.
["Hey Speed Queen" playing over jukebox]
♪ Hey speed queen, looking real fine now Hey, speed queen... ♪
[car horn honks]
Archie Andrews,
Riverdale's resident grease monkey.
-You need to fill up, Julian? -Sure do.
And some, uh, air in the tires.
So, Betty, is it true your parents run the television station?
Yeah, they do. RIVW.
How come you're not on their dance show, Riverdale Grandstand?
Oh, I don't know, uh, it's a pretty big time commitment.
Three hours every day after school.
Gee, don't you like to dance?
Of course she does.
Anyway, what do you two cool cats like to do
when you're not out on the town with Riverdale High's ginchiest gals?
-[Willie] We're on the debate team. -[Walter] And the basketball team.
-[Willie] And the Honor Society. -[Walter] And the Quill and Skull.
[Willie] Walter!
[Pop] Hey there, Archie.
Thought my newest gas attendant might need a little pick-me-up.
Yeah, you don't know the half of it, Pop.
Heard they're getting the basketball team going again now that the war is over.
Yeah. Yeah, my uncle's the coach.
You know, I used to watch your dad play when he was in school.
Best rebounder Riverdale High had ever seen.
Well, he and I, we used to play a lot growing up.
Right up until...
he went off to the war.
Proud of him for serving our country the way he did.
He was a true hero.
Yeah, he was, Pop.
He honest to gosh was.
[Jughead] I read until the sun came up.
Mr. Rayberry's novel, The Jupiter Journals,
was like Flash Gordon as if Fitzgerald had written it.
And I couldn't believe that Mr. Rayberry was just letting it sit
unpublished in a cardboard box.
[Veronica] So, Betty,
what happened when Willie walked you home last night?
Nothing. No butterflies.
Oh, dear. Is it that your heart's still set on Archie, do you think?
Yes, which means I'm doomed.
Betty, we talked about this.
Romeo and Juliet had logistical problems, but they figured it out.
Veronica, they both died.
Not until Act 5.
And only after they lost their cherries, I might add.
Anyways, I have an idea.
One way to get close to someone
is by having long, meaningful, late-night conversations with them.
So why don't you and Archie
wait for your respective gatekeeping adults to go to sleep,
then call each other up on the telephone.
Start having intimate heart-to-hearts, and get to know each other that way.
I wish, but Archie doesn't have a telephone in his bedroom.
Shoot. Are you sure?
I am. I can look into Archie's room from mine.
Sorry, you can look into Archie's bedroom window from yours?
-Does this mean you've glimpsed him--? -Yes. Many, many times.
Betty, I think I have to see this floor show for myself.
What time does the curtain usually go up?
[Julian] Hey, grease monkey.
When I got home last night, I noticed a smudge on my windshield.
Bring it back to the station. I'll take another crack at it.
I'll do that. In the meantime, how about you get me a soda from the cafeteria?
Water boy.
[all chuckling]
Why don't you get it yourself, Julian?
I would, but I'm saving my energy so I can obliterate your dad's record
against Centerville this weekend.
I mean, somebody's gotta do it. And it's clearly not gonna be--
[boy 1] Hey, hey!
[boy 2] Fight!
Mary, I just got here and I heard what happened.
I'll talk to Featherhead and straighten out this mess.
Back off, Frank. I'm his mother. I'll take this round.
[blowing whistle]
Gather up, girls. I've decided on assignments for this season.
For starters, Toni Topaz will perch at the top our Vixens' pyramid.
-But I'm always the flyer. -Not this year.
-This is outrageous. -No. This is cheerleading.
Of course, if you're feeling frosted by my leadership choices,
you're welcome to quit, Evelyn. Immediately.
I'll stay.
-Sorry, what was that? -I'll stay.
Ah. Fab. Now, on to other business.
[Mary] Archie, tell me what's going on.
I saw you and your father play basketball practically every day.
You love it. So why don't you wanna play on the team?
Is it because of Uncle Frank?
No.
No, it's not Frank.
It's...
Well, you said it, Mom.
Basketball was something Dad and I did together.
Whenever I walk into a gym or pick up a ball...
I think about Dad, and suddenly it's like there's an anvil on my heart.
And if I played, I just know all I'd be thinking
is I wish Dad were here watching me from the stands.
I understand.
I wish that too.
And then there's the other thing.
If I played...
what if I wasn't good enough?
-What if I tarnished Dad's memory? -Oh, Archie.
I know Frank suggested that your father wouldn't be proud of you,
but that is simply not true.
Your father would be so proud.
Listen, you don't have to play basketball if you don't want to.
But nothing would make your father happier than to see you play on his team.
Maybe even wearing his number.
Nothing would make me happier too.
And one way or the other, I'm gonna ask Frank to ease up on you.
[door closes]
Mr. Rayberry, I really hope you don't get upset, but...
I read your novel.
Golly, I... I loved it.
You have got to get this published.
Uh... Just a minute.
You... You stole my manuscript?
Only for a night.
You are as much of a thief as Fieldstone.
-Oh, Mr. Rayberry, please, I-- -No. Get out of here.
-And give me my manuscript. -Yeah. No, I'll go.
But you have got to get this published. I can help you.
Get out of my house.
Pretty swinging how you gave that Evernever chick what for.
I always strive for the best cheer team possible.
Well, I'd like to show you my appreciation.
Would that be okay?
More than okay.
["Lover's Prayer" playing]
♪ Lord, show me ♪
♪ If he really loves me ♪
♪ Tell me, does he ♪
♪ Truly care? ♪
♪ If the love... ♪
[sighs] This isn't exactly what I imagined our stakeout would be like.
What exactly did you imagine?
Truthfully, Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly in Rear Window.
[Betty] Hmm.
[Veronica] Hello.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming
with an emergency flatter bum alert.
God bless America. [chuckles]
Stand back, Ringling Brothers,
because this is the greatest show on earth.
Ooh, do you have binoculars?
Never mind. We don't even need them with the size of Archie's bulging...
muscles.
Mayday. Duck and cover.
Oh, my God. I should have known.
The same thing happened to Jimmy Stewart.
Yeah, but at least he was trying to catch a murderer.
We're just Peeping Pattys. [groans]
-[Veronica] Did you get any sleep? -Not a wink. You?
The same.
But it gave me time to think.
If he did see us, then he's probably just as embarrassed as we are
and won't say a word about it.
I mean, it's positively shameless the way he struts around like a peacock,
flashing those absurd abdominal muscles of his.
[Archie clears throat]
Howdy, ladies.
-How's it going? -Archie, good morning.
Veronica, would you mind giving Betty and I a minute?
In private?
Of course. Betty, we'll catch up anon.
Archie...
Keep up the good work.
So I... saw you...
and Veronica last night.
Looking at me.
Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
Betty, it's okay.
I liked it.
You know, my uncle's got me real busy during the day,
but every night I end up in my room.
Every night I end up in my bedroom too.
What if we ended up in our bedrooms...
at the same time?
And looked at each other?
How about tonight? Say, midnight?
Yeah. I'll be there.
Same.
And I'll be wearing something special.
Okay.
All right. Well, I gotta run to the gym, Betty, but, uh, I...
I sure am excited.
-Betty, I'm really excited. -[chuckles] Me too. Like, beyond excited.
Hey, water boy, stay on the sidelines. Court's for players only.
Good. 'Cause I'm here to play.
You can't just let him on the team, coach.
How do we even know if he's any good?
Any other questions?
All right, then. Let's keep warming up.
I'm not doing this for you, Uncle Frank. I'm doing this for myself, and for my mom.
And my dad.
I respect that, Archie.
Dr. Werthers, I confiscated this from Dilton Doiley today.
It is like fighting a hydra, Mrs. Thornton.
Cut off one head, another grows in its place.
Yes.
Except this particular head was written by one of our students.
Jughead Jones.
["Smoke Rings" playing]
♪ Tell me, where do they go ♪
♪ Those smoke rings I blow each night? ♪
♪ What do they do ♪
♪ Those circles of blue and white? ♪
♪ Why do they seem ♪
♪ To picture a dream of love? ♪
[clock ticking]
♪ Why do they fade ♪
♪ My phantom parade of love? ♪
♪ Puff, puff, puff ♪
♪ Puff your cares away ♪
♪ Puff, puff, puff ♪
♪ Night and day ♪
♪ Blow, blow them through the air ♪
♪ Silky little rings ♪
♪ Those little smoke rings I love ♪
♪ Please take me above with you ♪
♪ Blow, blow them through the air ♪
♪ Silky little rings... ♪
Betty--
What in the actual hell is going on here?
What in God's name are you doing? n here?