Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Aaron Chen.
Can you hear me?
Hey, hello. How's it going?
Yeah, sick. Um…
This is the biggest show I've done in New York, uh, since--
Yeah.
It's the biggest one I've done since I left the cast of Shen Yun.
Some of the best days of my life, I must say.
Nah, it's good to be out here in New York.
It's good. I know you guys haven't seen a lot of this.
Um, this--
You don't have this combo.
Uh…
Guys that look like this and sound like this.
This is--
I'm Chinese-Australian.
My dad, he moved from China to Australia to give us a better life.
I moved to America to make it worse again.
Uh…
Nah.
I love America. It's, uh, going in a great direction.
Uh…
There are Chinese people in Australia. We've got Chinese guys.
There's a lot of them.
I went to a school that was 90% Chinese and Indian kids.
Which you can't officially legislate.
Like…
You're not allowed to just pick them. Uh…
But you can make the tests really hard.
I was doing the exam, I'm like,
"These questions are difficult in a way that's racist."
You know?
I was very offended doing the test.
I've been travelling around America. I've been all around.
I've been to the South.
Your enemy. Um…
I like the South. I do. I like it. It gets a bad--
I like the South. It's one of my favorite directions.
Uh…
I like it so much,
When people say things are going south, I say good.
You know?
Let's go further. Let's go to Mexico. You know?
I've been all around. I've been to San Francisco.
Oh yeah.
Every time I go back,
these commies are up to something new there.
These commies-- They've got driverless cars now.
You seen this? Waymo.
Waymo. I like it.
I hope we eliminate all humans.
You know?
One day I'd love to perform to just Waymo.
That'd be good.
Those commies.
It's good to be out here. What a place, you know?
It took me a long time to fly out here.
From Australia to America, 22 hours in the air.
That's unbelievable. They've got meals on the plane now.
They always had that, but it's, um…
It's still going, you know.
They only have two options, chicken or fish.
That's all they ever had.
And that's not enough information, you know?
What's the chicken? What's the fish?
They don't tell you in the carts. They go quick.
So you're not allowed to ask them questions.
I panic, you know? I say, "Fish."
But it turns out that chicken is a pasta.
Which is my absolute favorite.
Chicken Alfredo. Oh my gosh.
Fish was a milkshake. Uh…
Horrible stuff.
But you guys got good airlines here.
Beautiful airlines. Um…
Very nice.
I flew on Southwest Airlines.
You heard about this?
They have a thing called open seating.
You can pick whichever seat you want when you're on the plane.
It's unbelievable. I didn't know that.
They didn't tell me that. There was no e-mail.
I found out when I was on the plane.
That's Squid Games, you know?
You know, I was having a panic attack in the aisle.
People were stepping over my body.
I got the worst seat on the plane, you know?
I just had to sit there, think about my life.
It was horrible.
At one point in the flight, a woman got up to go to the toilet.
I took her seat.
She comes back, like, "What's going on?" I'm like, "It's open seating, lady!"
You know, I'm using her iPad.
Looking after her child.
Very good kid. Very good.
I was like, "No more chips until you finish your fish smoothie."
"We gotta… come on."
I came to New York two years ago.
I flew in. I landed via JFK Airport.
What a beautiful airport this is.
It's really good. Really nice.
They got great Wi-Fi.
Unbelievable Wi-Fi.
You gotta log into the Wi-Fi.
They don't just let you on. You log on, right?
And they got a log-on page.
At the bottom of the log-on page, there's a box you can click.
And it says, "Would you like to receive JFK Airport news?"
I'm like, who's that for? You know?
Who wants JFK Airport news?
But I accidentally clicked it on the way to logging in.
So now I'm getting JFK Airport news.
But I don't even read the regular news.
So my main source of news…
…is JFK Airport news.
That's not helpful, you know?
New York's a high-level city.
You know about this?
This is a low-level crowd.
This is, um…
A lot of low-level guys in here. They're low-level.
No, I'm serious. I was at a dinner party the other night.
Not to brag. Um…
And I was sat next to one of these guys, right?
High-level guy.
And I was doing pretty good. You know?
I was keeping up.
If you saw me, you'd be like, "This guy's keeping up."
And I was, right?
But at one point, he turns to me and he's like,
"What do you think about the conflict in Ukraine?"
And I was like…
"How about the renovations at Hudson News?"
Like…
"What do you think about that?" You know?
'Cause if you want to talk, we can talk.
But it does have to be about JFK, you know?
Like, let's be reasonable.
I don't know. There are conflicts. I do know about them.
They've got more than technology now.
I've seen it. They've got tanks.
Oh, my goodness.
How did they come up with that?
Some believe at war, the invention…
A guy, he must have saw a gun.
He'd be like,
"Yeah, I'd like to drive that."
But it's good to be here in America, USA.
What a pla-- Whoa.
She loves it. Um…
It's great. It's great to be here.
It's hard to come here, you know?
It takes a lot to come here. You've got to get a visa.
Anyone here got a visa?
You're on a-- What are you on?
-An E-3. -E-3 visa.
This is a rare visa.
This is an Australian's only visa.
It was a gift from America to Australia because we helped out in the Iraq war.
So for us, it was not a pointless war.
We got a visa out of it, you know?
Get them, boys.
And we did get them. Uh, we got them.
Visa secured. Um…
I'm not on that visa. I didn't support the war.
She loves it. Uh…
She really likes it.
I'm on a visa. It's called the O-1 visa.
That's alien of extraordinary ability.
This is it.
What I'm doing right now, no American could do.
This is…
This is Australian excellence.
Um--
It's a hard process to get the visa.
It's very difficult, you know? It took me one year.
It cost me $10,000.
Australian dollars, so 20 USD.
It was… a lot for me. Um…
And at the end of it, they make you do a 100-part questionnaire.
And it's psycho.
It's a psycho questionnaire. I never--
Question 1, it lures you in.
Question 1, "What's your name?"
At that point, I'm pretty confident. You know? I think I got this. But, uh…
Questions 90 to 100, they go crazy.
Question 90, "Have you ever been involved in a terrorist organization?"
Question 95,
"Have you been a government official in charge during a genocide?"
And then question 100,
the last question they ask you before you enter America is,
"Have you ever employed a child soldier?"
I'm reading these questions and I'm like, I guess everyone has to fill out forms.
You know? Like, there's some guy out there answering yes to these.
Who is that?
Just like a warlord?
He's sitting with his child soldier?
He's like, "I'm sorry, kid, I don't think we're going to Broadway."
"I don't know if you'll get to see Nicole Scherzinger in Cats."
I don't know if she's in Cats. Um…
It's good to be here in New York. What a place.
I went to the Natural History Museum.
Yeah.
I took my friend, who's a vegan,
and they had an exhibition,
it was on carnivorous plants.
I'm like, these guys are the opposite, you know?
Like…
Who's gonna get who?
But it's…
Things are on a different scale in America, you know?
You guys do things on a big scale.
It's, um-- 'Cause, like--
For example, your most famous statue is called the Statue of Liberty.
It represents all your freedom, all in one statue.
You've got the Washington Monument.
That represents something also.
In Australia, our most famous statue, it's called The Big Banana.
It represents a regular banana.
But we wanted to see how big we can get it.
Turns out, pretty bloody big.
But it's good to be out here.
What a place, huh?
You do have to be brave to live in New York.
Only some of the bravest guys live here.
There's a lot of bravery.
I saw a guy jumping over the turnstiles at the subway.
What?
That's unbelievable.
I could never do that. I'd crawl under.
Uh…
You've gotta be brave to live here, you know?
'Cause you can get tricked.
I'm getting tricked.
I'm serious. They're tricking me a lot.
You know these guys, they sell the charities at you?
They've got the vests on. You know, they've got the clipboard.
They're good.
They're unbelievable, you know?
They're always tricking me.
They've got little riddles, you know?
They've got traps and stuff.
If you get any of them wrong, you have to solve world hunger.
It's…
The first trap they have, is they say, "I love your shirt."
It took me two or three times to realize they did not love my shirt.
This is not a coincidence, you know?
What I learnt is you're meant to say, "Thank you so much," and you keep walking.
Right? You've got to ignore these guys.
But then they've got a second riddle.
And they say, "Do you know the only state that ends with the letter K?"
That's very hard not to stop for.
That's very intriguing.
I'm like, "I don't know."
"Kentucky?"
And they say, "No."
"It's New York."
Isn't that charming?
Isn't that nice?
That's where we are right now.
The answer was beneath our feet.
This is unbelievable!
But you get it wrong. I had to give them all my credit cards.
But I've adapted, you know?
You've got to adapt to the city. I'm adapting.
I know what you're supposed to do.
The other day they tried to get me. They work in twos, you know?
I'm walking on the street.
One of them comes up to me. He's like, "I like your shirt."
I say, "Thank you."
And I keep going.
And the other guy, he goes, "Well, do you know the only state--?"
And I say, "New York."
He perishes.
He's dead.
Keep going, you know?
You've gotta be brave. People are brave here.
People are obsessed with crimes in New York.
They love it.
They love, um--
I know they're obsessed 'cause you guys got an app called Citizen.
-Yes! -Yeah, get it, girl.
It's, uh… it's unbelievable, you know?
This app, if you don't know what it is, it shows you a map of New York City.
And it shows you every single crime going on at that exact moment.
There's a second map on there.
It shows you every registered sex offender that lives near you.
It's unbelievable--
People are obsessed with this app. There's a premium function.
You can pay money to it, you know?
I think you match with them. Um…
I don't know. I don't know.
Sorry. Um…
It's good to be out. It's a busy, busy city.
Can we all admit that?
Very busy, this city. Very busy.
Some people, they even call it-- They call it the city that…
is very busy.
It's… it's busy.
Some people are so busy, they're eating overnight oats.
Have you heard about this?
They don't have time in the morning to make oatmeal.
They've gotta make it the night before.
That's too busy.
Oatmeal is not traditionally a 24-hour dish, you know?
We never had to plan for oatmeal before.
For hundreds of years, we've been making oatmeal when we feel like it.
It's too busy.
Since moving here, I've become too busy for overnight oats.
When I go to sleep, I put the oats in my mouth, you know?
I wake up and I swallow. I'm like…
Let's go.
But you have to eat oats. You do.
That's what they say. It's a super food.
You know about this?
It's… the food system is all messed up, I swear.
They've got microplastics now.
You heard about this?
One of my friends, he was telling me, allegedly,
the average person eats one credit card a week.
That's too much.
I take one bite, I'm like, that's enough, you know?
But you gotta eat healthy, you know? You do have to eat healthy.
I've been having smoothies.
You guys don't do smoothies?
I'm doing smoothies. You've gotta do smoothies now.
I don't know what to put in the smoothies.
I don't know who to trust. I've just got everything in there.
Anyone-- Any-- Anything anyone says you've gotta put in a smoothie,
I'll put it in there, you know?
I don't know who to trust. Left wing, right wing?
They all have great ideas on smoothies.
I've got elk meat and AstraZeneca, you know?
I'm having diarrhea and autism.
But…
No, it's crazy to be out here.
It's a beautiful place, America.
Because you guys have diversity here.
Not in this room, but…
Generally there is diversity, you know?
It's beautiful.
We've got diversity in Australia.
But we've got different guys to you.
You guys have got different guys here.
And I think that's nice.
I think that's good. It's good to see new guys.
I've been seeing new--
I saw a Korean man yelling at a Hasidic Jew
in Spanish.
Isn't that beautiful?
Isn't that what we've been working towards?
That's gorgeous. That's nice.
It's 'cause you have Latin culture.
Latin culture is infused into American society.
It's beautiful, you know?
We don't really have Latin culture in Australia.
We've got a couple of guys.
They're called Guzman y Gomez.
They…
They're kind of entrepreneurs.
It's a part of American society.
I love it. I've been embracing it a lot.
I went to a Mexican restaurant.
It's… called Chipotle.
Very beautiful culture. Very beautiful.
I went to a Mexican restaurant one time in Los Angeles.
And it was a beautiful restaurant. Very long line. I was lining up.
I was lining up behind this middle-aged man,
and he was with his mother.
And they were speaking Spanish to each other.
That's traditional.
At one point, he leaves a line to go get his mother a menu.
But he also got me a menu.
Isn't that gorgeous?
That's really nice.
That's really…
So I look him in the eyes and I say,
"Gracias."
He looks at me. He says, "I speak English."
"You don't need to practice your Spanish on me."
And that's a learning moment for me, you know?
I'm humbled. I'm not from around here.
All I can-- I bow my head and I say,
"Lo siento."
But…
But my life's not going well. I, um…
I'm serious. I realized my life wasn't going well
because Spotify recommended me a playlist called Sad Girl Vibes.
Uh…
It's not good, man. The world's gone nasty.
The Internet's gone nasty.
Don't you think? Internet's very nasty now.
I was on, um, gmail.com.
Very nasty stuff they got going on.
They got a new notification.
It says, "You sent this e-mail four days ago."
They haven't replied.
It's like, you don't need to tell me that.
I've been thinking about that for four days, you know?
It's nasty, you know?
They have a thing now, it's called AI.
I heard they're introducing it at JFK Airport. It's…
I heard it's going to affect the future of jobs.
That's what it's saying.
It's saying the jobs-- The article I was reading,
it was saying the jobs that are most secure,
they're the ones you can define just by reading the job title.
Just by reading the job title, you need to know what the job's about.
Jobs like a soccer player.
That's really good, you know?
Nurse. That's a doing word.
Yeah, yeah.
Not to brag, but stand-up comedy, that's very secure.
Comedy. Make people laugh.
It even tells you what position to do it in, you know? Like…
Upright. Um…
But I get worried, because I have a family friend,
and he's a management consultant.
I can't even begin to know what that is, you know?
I don't even know what management is.
I guess you manage, but so does everyone, you know?
Even people who are struggling.
You say, "Do you need help?"
They say, "I'll manage," you know?
I'm worried about him on multiple levels, because, um, even "family friend…"
That's someone who's neither family nor a friend, you know?
That's a guy you have to hang out with 'cause of your dad.
But my life's not going well, um…
I'm serious.
I clogged my drain the other day.
I did. I clogged it right up.
I had to get a bottle of Drano.
This guy, he shows me around the store for like ten minutes.
At the end of it, he's like, "This is unbelievable."
"I have no idea where they're putting it."
I was like, "I thought you were 'them,'" you know? Like…
But I go home, I take the Drano home.
This drain is clogged up.
It's really bad.
I had to pour the whole bottle of Drano down there to get it unclogged.
I thought that's what you're supposed to do.
I told my friend this.
He said, "That's disgusting."
It's like, "Do you know how bad that is for the dolphins?"
And to be honest, like, I didn't even consider the dolphins, you know?
I didn't know that it got to them.
That's so far away.
I'm on the seventh floor.
But when he told me that, I felt horrible, you know?
Like, I was disgusted with myself.
I had to make a peace offering.
I poured a can of tuna down there.
Please have that, you know, please.
It wouldn't really go down, so I had to put a little bit of Drano to…
…ease it through, you know?
We got to get it to the dolphins.
Other stuff's going well. I got a dishwasher.
Yeah, thank you.
That's the biggest clap of the show.
That's…
I got a dishwasher. It's been going pretty good.
I used to rinse the dishes before I put them in.
But I heard that you're not supposed to do that, you know?
I heard that if you rinse them before you put them in,
it's actually really bad for the dishwasher's self-confidence.
It needs to be built on trust, you know?
I don't risk it anymore. I go dining now.
I'm eating out. You guys dine?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Hell yeah.
You guys dine?
-Yeah. -Wow.
-Table for two? -Table for two.
Pretty good.
I've been doing table for one.
Nothing wrong with that. It's not illegal yet. Um…
They're probably gonna try to make it. But I, um…
Table for one. You can book online.
Resy.com.
What is this, an open table crowd?
I'm…
I'm booking online. I, um…
I am table for one.
They always ask you if it's an occasion.
I always put something, you know?
'Cause it's funny.
On the page, it looks funny.
Table for one, there's an occasion?
Are you kidding me?
That's unbelievable.
You get there, it's not funny.
They're very sad for you, you know?
"Happy anniversary." You know? Like…
But, I mean, yeah, I've been dining out too much, probably.
I've been dining out a lot.
My body is falling apart.
It's falling apart. I got--
I had a tooth that was decaying so bad, I went to the dentist, and she's like,
"Yeah, we're gonna have to put a crown on it."
I was like, "Why are you putting a crown on that one?"
"That's the worst tooth."
"You've gotta put it on the canines."
I love those dogs.
But she's like, "No, it's urgent. We're gonna have to do it now."
And, um, she did the root canal, put the crown on,
and she's like, "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, but, um, you're gonna have to hold off
from flossing that area for about two weeks."
And I was like, "I've been holding off for a lot longer than that."
"On your word, doc."
My body's falling apart.
I got a fungal infection on my toe, you know?
Sorry to have to tell you that, but that is what's going on in my life.
And I went to the doctor's and he said, "You know, in the past,
traditionally, how people would prevent infection,
they used to urinate on the feet."
I was like, "I'm gonna need a second opinion on that
before you do it."
Like, you know? Like…
But I need to get into shape.
I do. I'm a family man now.
I've got a sister. Um…
I've got a sister.
I'm trying to get into shape. I'm getting inspired.
I watched my friend do the triathlon.
That's running, swimming, and cycling.
I don't think I've done those activities in the same calendar year, you know?
It's very inspiring.
I've got to get inspired to work.
I've been watching sports.
You seen this?
They're fit, these guys. I, um…
I've been watching soccer.
I watched a game just today, you know?
At halftime, they got the commentators to come on,
talk about the first half of the match.
And one of them, he was talking about a player.
He said, "This is the most creative player we've ever seen."
"He's like a book with hundreds of pages
and every page is different."
I'm like, that's every book.
If your book has the same pages, I'd say your book is broken, you know?
You need to get a new book.
But I'm doing it now, I'm working out.
I go and I work out.
I go to a gym.
I go to one of these gyms, everyone's looking gorgeous, you know?
You know these? Some gyms, people don't look good.
The gym I'm at, everyone's gorgeous.
But they work out with an intensity in their eyes
that suggests that they don't believe they look good.
That's a real tragedy.
It breaks my heart, you know?
I have to remind people, you know?
I announce it in the change room.
Uh…
I'm like, "Fellas, you're looking good!"
"You're looking nice!"
The ladies are good too.
I don't go-- I yell it into the change room.
There's no laws against that. Um…
Not yet.
But I don't know. It's good to be out here, you know?
I'm married now, thank you.
Yeah.
What a beautiful institution.
I, um…
I went to Thailand for the honeymoon.
Ooh…
Yep.
I love Thailand.
I told my dad this. I texted him.
I said, "We're going to Thailand for the honeymoon."
He doesn't text back. He calls back immediately.
He's like, "Don't go to Thailand."
"They're harvesting the organs of Taiwanese nationals."
And immediately I know what's going on, right?
'Cause my dad, he's on an app called WeChat.
And what this is, it's a Chinese messaging app
where all my family have a group chat with one another,
and they share, uh, conspiracy theories,
often in the form of a JPEG.
Um…
And the one of that day was about harvesting Taiwanese organs.
I pushed back. I'm like, "Dad, I'm not Taiwanese."
He knows that, you know?
We've known each other quite some time.
But he's adamant. He keeps pushing, right?
I want to convince him once and for all that these are conspiracy theories.
Like, anyone can do them.
I'm pretty good at Photoshop.
So what I did was I got a picture of the Australian prime minister,
and I put a caption on it.
I said that they're beheading Chinese people in Hornsby.
That's where he lives. And…
I post that in the group chat.
Ten minutes later, the group chat's going crazy. It's…
My uncle calls me. He's like, "We're locking down." You know?
I defied my father's orders. I went to Thailand anyway.
Beautiful country.
It's one of the great massage cultures.
You've got, um, Thailand,
Sweden…
And that's it.
But, uh…
They have, um, these massage places
that are run entirely by female ex-prisoners.
It's beautiful.
'Cause a lot of society, they write these women off, right?
Some of them have petty crime charges.
Some of them even have assault charges.
But these places, they see these women and they said,
"What you did,
could you focus that on the neck and the shoulders?"
Like…
My dad's a great guy. He's a good guy.
He helped me invent my signature, you know?
He sat me down, I was eight years old.
He was like, "You're a man now."
And I remember, it was such a tender moment.
He helped me do every, like, jag and every curve of the signature.
Beautiful.
Immediately after, he helped me commit my first tax fraud.
He…
Like, "Sign here, where it says you work for me."
And, um, I didn't work for him.
So I was reluctant, you know?
But he had to take me to his accountant to try to strong-arm me.
And she's a Chinese woman, and she was really flexing on me.
And how you do this in Chinese culture
is you bring up a lot of stories from history,
show off your knowledge.
Like, you've got to know a lot of idioms, stuff like that.
And she sits me down, and she's like, "Do you know Michelangelo?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
I thought it was a turtle.
Um…
But she says, "When he finished building the Statue of David…"
And I was like, "There's another one."
Um…
"But when he finished, uh, someone came up to him,
and they said, 'Was it hard?'"
"And he said, 'No, it was easy.'"
"'I just took away from the marble everything that wasn't David.'"
And I was like, "What's that got to do with my tax return?" You know?
And she said, "Well, the block of marble, that's your income."
"David, that's your tax return."
And I didn't know what that meant. Um…
But I thought we were both going to jail, for sure.
But it's good being married.
Beautiful thing to be married. I, uh…
My wife, she moved from Australia, uh, to America with me.
She quit her corporate job in Australia.
And now she's at culinary school.
After that, we'll send her to cleaning school.
Uh, sorry for saying that.
I, uh…
Uh, but a lot of you did like it, so…
I wanted to cut that out of the special, but you liked it too much.
Um…
She goes to a culinary school in, uh, Manhattan.
It's called the Institute of Culinary Education.
That's ICE. Uh…
It's an unbelievable time to be going to a school called ICE.
They like the name, they think it's good, uh…
Some big letters on her backpack, ICE.
She catches the subway like that.
I'm like, "I'm gonna get a different one."
I, uh…
If you want to go to culinary school in New York,
the two options that you have is ICE
or the Culinary Institute of America.
CIA.
This is unbelievable.
She's going to have to do a post-grad abroad, um,
she's going to Al-Qaeda.
It's a beautiful school.
But it's good to be married.
We're having a couple of arguments.
That's healthy.
That's beautiful.
Our main source of argument at the moment is how we sort the laundry.
You know? How we organize the clothes.
'Cause I'm quite a simple guy.
Like, a simpleton, that kind of thing. You know?
I have a very simple system of organizing my laundry.
It follows the human form.
It goes top shelf, tops.
Bottom shelf, bottoms.
Middle shelf, obviously belts.
But she has a much more complex system. You know? She's very intelligent.
She tries to trick me, and…
She doesn't just have three categories. She's got sub-categories.
And some of the categories are subjective, you know?
She's got a category called "cute little tops."
I'm like, "How am I supposed to do that?"
You know? We're having big fights.
I'm like, "Honey, I don't think that top's that cute."
But it's taking me a long time to sort the laundry, you know?
So I've been reading the tags.
There's stuff in--
There's content, you know?
I didn't know there was content. Everywhere you look, you can find content.
Um…
That's really good. There's content on the tag.
I was reading one of the shirts, and one of the tags, it said,
"I'm made of 100% recycled plastic bottles."
I was shocked. I took the shirt up to her. I said, "We're doing pretty well."
"I can get you something better, you know."
"Made of anything you want."
"Even new bottles."
Like, "We can… we can do that."
But that's not to say that I don't have crazy clothes of my own.
I've got a set of pajamas.
That's tops and bottoms.
Where's that going? You know?
Can't go with the belts. It, um…
But the pajama, the top, it's a button-down top, right?
And that's more formal than I wear day-to-day.
I imagine an outside observer looking in.
They'd see me take off my T-shirt and putting on a button-down.
They'd be like, "This guy is serious about sleep."
I'm like, let's hit those KPIs.
Uh…
But since we moved in together, we have new stuff.
There's new stuff in the house.
It's unbelievable. I didn't--
The bathroom has more things.
Before I got married, I had three liquids.
You had the hand wash, um, toothpaste,
and then three-in-one.
And that would cover all realms of the body.
Um…
But now we've got a lot of liquids. There's new sauces.
We've got a skincare regime now.
And it is a regime.
Very oppressive.
It's…
It's daily.
There's new liquids that I've never heard of before.
The other day she said to me, um, "Can you pass the toner?"
And I was like, "We don't have a printer." You know? Like…
But it's good. You know, it's, um…
You've got to put the effort in.
That's really my advice. You do.
I've been putting the effort in.
I did, um, the love language test.
It's so important.
It's one of the most important things you can do.
And I did it. I, um…
I did the love language test.
It turns out my love language is not gift-giving.
Um, and it was my wife's birthday the other week.
So what I did was, I put my hand on her shoulder.
And I said, "Good on you."
That's, uh, words of affirmation.
And touch, you know? Kinda…
I got her two things. Um…
Really spoiled her.
It's quality time too, two hours straight. We did it, um…
"Good on you. Good on you." You know?
She does like quality time. She loves it.
She loves going to cultural events.
Isn't that good?
We went to the opera together. We went-- I, um…
I struggled, I must admit, uh…
She's like, "Why are you closing your eyes?"
I'm like, "I'm really into it."
Uh… yeah.
"But I think you were snoring."
I was like, "I was singing along." Uh…
I love that bit. I, um…
But you learn a lot from being married. You do. I have been learning a lot.
Um, before I got married, I had the same pillow for ten years.
I didn't know you weren't allowed.
I thought that was good. Like, cost per use.
That kind of thing, you know?
By the time I was finished with it, it was wafer thin.
It was a memory foam pillow, you know?
Ran out of storage space.
Yeah.
When I got married,
I found out that you're not allowed to have one pillow for ten years.
It's disgusting.
It's against God. Um…
You have to have four pillows all the time.
Two of the pillows you use.
And two of the pillows you put on the floor straight away.
Every single night.
You never use them, right?
Your neck couldn't sustain that angle for the duration of the night.
These are decorative pillows.
What are they decorating?
The other pillows.
It's unbelievable.
They're high quality pillows too.
In my household, these pillows, they're the same as the main pillows.
That's a lot of potential going wasted on the floor every night.
They're like, "Put me on, coach."
"I could change this up."
They're waiting for the main pillows to get drooled out.
And I am drooling.
I, uh, hate to admit it,
but I have to wear a mouth guard to go to sleep.
Anyone do that?
It's humiliating. It's…
It's horrible to admit. It's…
'Cause back in the day, mouth guards,
they were reserved for professional boxers,
um, NFL players.
But nowadays,
my life's gotten so stressful, that the act of going to sleep
is the same as blunt force head trauma.
It's humiliating wearing this thing.
And so many oats get stuck in it, it's…
But it's good.
We've been traveling. We travel.
We went to, um, Mexico.
Ooh…
What a beautiful place. Mexico City.
There's a few attempted claps tonight.
We went to Mexico City.
We went to watch the lucha libre. You know about this?
You don't have to start.
We saw the lucha libre.
These guys, the luchas, they wear the masks.
You know these guys? They wear the masks, um, if you don't know the lucha.
The most famous lucha is, um, called Jack Black.
And, uh, we went to watch the lucha libre.
The first match we watched,
it was between a lucha, the guy wearing the mask,
and he was fighting a caveman.
And everyone was booing the caveman. I didn't know what was going on.
So I had to ask someone, "What's happening?"
And he said that they like the lucha more
'cause the lucha is more traditional.
But I would have thought that the caveman is more traditional.
You know, that's one of the original guys.
But if you thought that I was confused,
my wife didn't know that wrestling was fake.
So she thought that this was a real fight,
and they were still choosing to backflip.
You know, like they…
They thought that was a good use of their time.
Her mind was blown.
She took like 100 Instagram stories on the night.
All with the captions like, "Wow."
Like, "OMG."
Like, it was the best night of both of our lives.
It was unbelievable.
At one point in the fight, a little person came into the ring.
And he threw the referee out of the ring.
And at that point, I thought, "The jig is up."
The jig was not up.
She turns to me, she's like, "Is that allowed?"
I'm like, "I don't know. It's a real perversion of justice."
You know?
We were walking home from the night, from the event.
And we were both feeling very good.
We were on cloud nine.
But as we were walking, the pieces started to fall into place.
And she started to get messages from back home, from her friends.
They're like, "You do know that wrestling isn't real?"
And she was furious at me.
She was like, "Why didn't you tell me that wrestling was fake?"
And I was like, "I wouldn't know where to begin."
Like, "Do you know that cavemen aren't around?"
Like, we…
"We don't have that anymore," um…
Dude, this is a beautiful crowd.
What a beautiful crowd.
This is amazing. What a night, huh?
Any of you come to this show 'cause you know me from Fisk?
A few Fisk-heads.
If you don't know what Fisk is, it's, um, kind of a legal comedy.
It's created by the Australian government.
And, um…
I think it's a psy-op.
I, uh…
No, it changed my life.
'Cause before I did Fisk,
I was just doing stand-up comedy, you know.
And I always looked like this.
This is all I had to offer. Um…
And I would go on YouTube and Instagram to see the demographics,
like who was watching the stuff.
And it was always 90% male, 25 to 34.
Anyone fit that demographic?
This is not a good demographic.
A lot of incels.
Um…
These guys, they don't come out to the show.
They're busy planning something.
I don't know what. I, uh…
But it was a very dark path I was going down.
It couldn't continue that way.
But then God intervened.
He sent the prophet, Kitty Flanagan.
And she cast me in this show Fisk.
Overnight, the demographic changed.
Women, 45 to 54.
What a beautiful sound.
This is…
Overnight, these angels descended into my shows.
These beautiful white angels.
Uh…
They love coming to the shows. They, um…
But that's why I had to leave Australia.
I had to get away from all these mamas.
All right, that's my time. Thank you very much, New York! phics,