WEBVTT

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Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Aaron Chen.

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Can you hear me?

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Hey, hello. How's it going?

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Yeah, sick. Um…

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This is the biggest show
I've done in New York, uh, since--

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Yeah.

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It's the biggest one I've done
since I left the cast of Shen Yun.

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Some of the best days of my life,
I must say.

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Nah, it's good to be out here in New York.

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It's good. I know you guys
haven't seen a lot of this.

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Um, this--

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You don't have this combo.

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Uh…

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Guys that look like this
and sound like this.

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This is--

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I'm Chinese-Australian.

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My dad, he moved from China to Australia
to give us a better life.

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I moved to America to make it worse again.

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Uh…

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Nah.

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I love America.
It's, uh, going in a great direction.

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Uh…

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There are Chinese people in Australia.
We've got Chinese guys.

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There's a lot of them.

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I went to a school
that was 90% Chinese and Indian kids.

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Which you can't officially legislate.

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Like…

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You're not allowed to just pick them. Uh…

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But you can make the tests really hard.

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I was doing the exam, I'm like,

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"These questions are difficult
in a way that's racist."

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You know?

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I was very offended doing the test.

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I've been travelling around America.
I've been all around.

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I've been to the South.

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Your enemy. Um…

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I like the South. I do. I like it.
It gets a bad--

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I like the South.
It's one of my favorite directions.

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Uh…

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I like it so much,

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When people say things are going south,
I say good.

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You know?

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Let's go further.
Let's go to Mexico. You know?

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I've been all around.
I've been to San Francisco.

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Oh yeah.

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Every time I go back,

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these commies are up to
something new there.

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These commies--
They've got driverless cars now.

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You seen this? Waymo.

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Waymo. I like it.

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I hope we eliminate all humans.

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You know?

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One day I'd love to perform to just Waymo.

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That'd be good.

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Those commies.

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It's good to be out here.
What a place, you know?

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It took me a long time to fly out here.

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From Australia to America,
22 hours in the air.

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That's unbelievable.
They've got meals on the plane now.

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They always had that, but it's, um…

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It's still going, you know.

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They only have two options,
chicken or fish.

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That's all they ever had.

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And that's not enough information,
you know?

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What's the chicken? What's the fish?

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They don't tell you in the carts.
They go quick.

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So you're not allowed
to ask them questions.

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I panic, you know? I say, "Fish."

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But it turns out that chicken is a pasta.

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Which is my absolute favorite.

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Chicken Alfredo. Oh my gosh.

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Fish was a milkshake. Uh…

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Horrible stuff.

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But you guys got good airlines here.

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Beautiful airlines. Um…

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Very nice.

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I flew on Southwest Airlines.

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You heard about this?

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They have a thing called open seating.

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You can pick whichever seat you want
when you're on the plane.

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It's unbelievable. I didn't know that.

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They didn't tell me that.
There was no e-mail.

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I found out when I was on the plane.

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That's Squid Games, you know?

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You know, I was having a panic attack
in the aisle.

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People were stepping over my body.

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I got the worst seat on the plane,
you know?

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I just had to sit there,
think about my life.

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It was horrible.

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At one point in the flight,
a woman got up to go to the toilet.

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I took her seat.

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She comes back, like, "What's going on?"
I'm like, "It's open seating, lady!"

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You know, I'm using her iPad.

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Looking after her child.

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Very good kid. Very good.

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I was like, "No more chips
until you finish your fish smoothie."

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"We gotta… come on."

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I came to New York two years ago.

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I flew in. I landed via JFK Airport.

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What a beautiful airport this is.

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It's really good. Really nice.

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They got great Wi-Fi.

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Unbelievable Wi-Fi.

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You gotta log into the Wi-Fi.

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They don't just let you on.
You log on, right?

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And they got a log-on page.

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At the bottom of the log-on page,
there's a box you can click.

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And it says, "Would you like
to receive JFK Airport news?"

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I'm like, who's that for? You know?

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Who wants JFK Airport news?

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But I accidentally clicked it
on the way to logging in.

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So now I'm getting JFK Airport news.

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But I don't even read the regular news.

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So my main source of news…

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…is JFK Airport news.

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That's not helpful, you know?

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New York's a high-level city.

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You know about this?

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This is a low-level crowd.

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This is, um…

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A lot of low-level guys in here.
They're low-level.

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No, I'm serious.
I was at a dinner party the other night.

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Not to brag. Um…

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And I was sat next to
one of these guys, right?

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High-level guy.

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And I was doing pretty good. You know?

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I was keeping up.

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If you saw me, you'd be like,
"This guy's keeping up."

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And I was, right?

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But at one point,
he turns to me and he's like,

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"What do you think
about the conflict in Ukraine?"

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And I was like…

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"How about the renovations
at Hudson News?"

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Like…

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"What do you think about that?" You know?

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'Cause if you want to talk, we can talk.

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But it does have to be about JFK,
you know?

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Like, let's be reasonable.

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I don't know. There are conflicts.
I do know about them.

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They've got more than technology now.

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I've seen it. They've got tanks.

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Oh, my goodness.

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How did they come up with that?

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Some believe at war, the invention…

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A guy, he must have saw a gun.

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He'd be like,

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"Yeah, I'd like to drive that."

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But it's good to be here in America, USA.

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What a pla-- Whoa.

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She loves it. Um…

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It's great. It's great to be here.

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It's hard to come here, you know?

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It takes a lot to come here.
You've got to get a visa.

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Anyone here got a visa?

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You're on a-- What are you on?

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-An E-3.
-E-3 visa.

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This is a rare visa.

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This is an Australian's only visa.

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It was a gift from America to Australia
because we helped out in the Iraq war.

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So for us, it was not a pointless war.

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We got a visa out of it, you know?

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Get them, boys.

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And we did get them. Uh, we got them.

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Visa secured. Um…

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I'm not on that visa.
I didn't support the war.

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She loves it. Uh…

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She really likes it.

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I'm on a visa. It's called the O-1 visa.

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That's alien of extraordinary ability.

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This is it.

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What I'm doing right now,
no American could do.

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This is…

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This is Australian excellence.

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Um--

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It's a hard process to get the visa.

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It's very difficult, you know?
It took me one year.

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It cost me $10,000.

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Australian dollars, so 20 USD.

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It was… a lot for me. Um…

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And at the end of it,
they make you do a 100-part questionnaire.

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And it's psycho.

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It's a psycho questionnaire. I never--

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Question 1, it lures you in.

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Question 1, "What's your name?"

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At that point, I'm pretty confident.
You know? I think I got this. But, uh…

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Questions 90 to 100, they go crazy.

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Question 90, "Have you ever been
involved in a terrorist organization?"

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Question 95,

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"Have you been a government official
in charge during a genocide?"

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And then question 100,

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the last question they ask you
before you enter America is,

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"Have you ever employed a child soldier?"

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I'm reading these questions and I'm like,
I guess everyone has to fill out forms.

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You know? Like, there's some guy out there
answering yes to these.

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Who is that?

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Just like a warlord?

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He's sitting with his child soldier?

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He's like, "I'm sorry, kid,
I don't think we're going to Broadway."

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"I don't know if you'll get to
see Nicole Scherzinger in Cats."

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I don't know if she's in Cats. Um…

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It's good to be here in New York.
What a place.

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I went to the Natural History Museum.

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Yeah.

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I took my friend, who's a vegan,

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and they had an exhibition,

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it was on carnivorous plants.

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I'm like, these guys are the opposite,
you know?

00:10:47.563 --> 00:10:48.564 align:center
Like…

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Who's gonna get who?

00:10:49.732 --> 00:10:51.942 align:center
But it's…

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Things are on a different scale
in America, you know?

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You guys do things on a big scale.

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It's, um-- 'Cause, like--

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For example, your most famous statue
is called the Statue of Liberty.

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It represents all your freedom,
all in one statue.

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You've got the Washington Monument.

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That represents something also.

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In Australia, our most famous statue,
it's called The Big Banana.

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It represents a regular banana.

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But we wanted to see
how big we can get it.

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Turns out, pretty bloody big.

00:11:34.610 --> 00:11:36.153 align:center
But it's good to be out here.

00:11:36.237 --> 00:11:38.030 align:center
What a place, huh?

00:11:38.656 --> 00:11:41.409 align:center
You do have to be brave
to live in New York.

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Only some of the bravest guys live here.

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There's a lot of bravery.

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I saw a guy jumping over the turnstiles
at the subway.

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What?

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That's unbelievable.

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I could never do that. I'd crawl under.

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Uh…

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You've gotta be brave
to live here, you know?

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'Cause you can get tricked.

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I'm getting tricked.

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I'm getting tricked.

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I'm serious. They're tricking me a lot.

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You know these guys,
they sell the charities at you?

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They've got the vests on.
You know, they've got the clipboard.

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They're good.

00:12:14.859 --> 00:12:16.610 align:center
They're unbelievable, you know?

00:12:16.694 --> 00:12:17.737 align:center
They're always tricking me.

00:12:17.820 --> 00:12:19.822 align:center
They've got little riddles, you know?

00:12:19.905 --> 00:12:21.741 align:center
They've got traps and stuff.

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If you get any of them wrong,
you have to solve world hunger.

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It's…

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The first trap they have,
is they say, "I love your shirt."

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It took me two or three times
to realize they did not love my shirt.

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This is not a coincidence, you know?

00:12:38.257 --> 00:12:41.469 align:center
What I learnt is you're meant to say,
"Thank you so much," and you keep walking.

00:12:41.552 --> 00:12:43.429 align:center
Right? You've got to ignore these guys.

00:12:43.512 --> 00:12:45.389 align:center
But then they've got a second riddle.

00:12:46.307 --> 00:12:50.436 align:center
And they say, "Do you know the only state
that ends with the letter K?"

00:12:51.604 --> 00:12:53.564 align:center
That's very hard not to stop for.

00:12:55.024 --> 00:12:56.859 align:center
That's very intriguing.

00:12:56.942 --> 00:12:58.736 align:center
I'm like, "I don't know."

00:12:58.819 --> 00:12:59.779 align:center
"Kentucky?"

00:13:01.489 --> 00:13:02.698 align:center
And they say, "No."

00:13:03.324 --> 00:13:04.325 align:center
"It's New York."

00:13:05.951 --> 00:13:07.578 align:center
Isn't that charming?

00:13:08.746 --> 00:13:09.955 align:center
Isn't that nice?

00:13:10.039 --> 00:13:12.583 align:center
That's where we are right now.

00:13:12.666 --> 00:13:15.628 align:center
The answer was beneath our feet.

00:13:15.711 --> 00:13:17.755 align:center
This is unbelievable!

00:13:18.255 --> 00:13:21.383 align:center
But you get it wrong.
I had to give them all my credit cards.

00:13:22.760 --> 00:13:23.886 align:center
But I've adapted, you know?

00:13:23.969 --> 00:13:26.430 align:center
You've got to adapt to the city.
I'm adapting.

00:13:26.514 --> 00:13:28.182 align:center
I know what you're supposed to do.

00:13:28.265 --> 00:13:30.768 align:center
The other day they tried to get me.
They work in twos, you know?

00:13:30.851 --> 00:13:32.144 align:center
I'm walking on the street.

00:13:32.228 --> 00:13:34.480 align:center
One of them comes up to me.
He's like, "I like your shirt."

00:13:34.563 --> 00:13:35.606 align:center
I say, "Thank you."

00:13:35.689 --> 00:13:36.815 align:center
And I keep going.

00:13:36.899 --> 00:13:39.693 align:center
And the other guy, he goes,
"Well, do you know the only state--?"

00:13:39.777 --> 00:13:41.028 align:center
And I say, "New York."

00:13:42.446 --> 00:13:43.364 align:center
He perishes.

00:13:43.447 --> 00:13:45.741 align:center
He's dead.

00:13:45.824 --> 00:13:47.284 align:center
Keep going, you know?

00:13:49.662 --> 00:13:51.705 align:center
You've gotta be brave.
People are brave here.

00:13:51.789 --> 00:13:54.083 align:center
People are obsessed with crimes
in New York.

00:13:54.166 --> 00:13:55.167 align:center
They love it.

00:13:55.251 --> 00:13:56.210 align:center
They love, um--

00:13:56.293 --> 00:14:00.589 align:center
I know they're obsessed
'cause you guys got an app called Citizen.

00:14:00.673 --> 00:14:02.883 align:center
-Yes!
-Yeah, get it, girl.

00:14:05.219 --> 00:14:07.763 align:center
It's, uh… it's unbelievable, you know?

00:14:07.847 --> 00:14:12.852 align:center
This app, if you don't know what it is,
it shows you a map of New York City.

00:14:12.935 --> 00:14:16.772 align:center
And it shows you every single crime
going on at that exact moment.

00:14:17.481 --> 00:14:18.774 align:center
There's a second map on there.

00:14:18.858 --> 00:14:21.986 align:center
It shows you every registered sex offender
that lives near you.

00:14:22.069 --> 00:14:22.903 align:center
It's unbelievable--

00:14:22.987 --> 00:14:25.698 align:center
People are obsessed with this app.
There's a premium function.

00:14:25.781 --> 00:14:28.284 align:center
You can pay money to it, you know?

00:14:28.367 --> 00:14:30.494 align:center
I think you match with them. Um…

00:14:30.578 --> 00:14:32.997 align:center
I don't know. I don't know.

00:14:33.080 --> 00:14:35.332 align:center
Sorry. Um…

00:14:36.500 --> 00:14:38.711 align:center
It's good to be out.
It's a busy, busy city.

00:14:38.794 --> 00:14:40.671 align:center
Can we all admit that?

00:14:40.754 --> 00:14:42.840 align:center
Very busy, this city. Very busy.

00:14:42.923 --> 00:14:46.594 align:center
Some people, they even call it--
They call it the city that…

00:14:47.261 --> 00:14:48.178 align:center
is very busy.

00:14:48.262 --> 00:14:50.097 align:center
It's… it's busy.

00:14:50.180 --> 00:14:53.475 align:center
Some people are so busy,
they're eating overnight oats.

00:14:54.852 --> 00:14:56.186 align:center
Have you heard about this?

00:14:56.770 --> 00:14:59.857 align:center
They don't have time in the morning
to make oatmeal.

00:14:59.940 --> 00:15:02.443 align:center
They've gotta make it the night before.

00:15:02.526 --> 00:15:03.986 align:center
That's too busy.

00:15:05.404 --> 00:15:09.241 align:center
Oatmeal is not traditionally
a 24-hour dish, you know?

00:15:09.325 --> 00:15:12.786 align:center
We never had to plan for oatmeal before.

00:15:12.870 --> 00:15:16.206 align:center
For hundreds of years, we've been
making oatmeal when we feel like it.

00:15:17.750 --> 00:15:19.335 align:center
It's too busy.

00:15:19.418 --> 00:15:22.880 align:center
Since moving here,
I've become too busy for overnight oats.

00:15:23.380 --> 00:15:26.091 align:center
When I go to sleep,
I put the oats in my mouth, you know?

00:15:27.217 --> 00:15:29.011 align:center
I wake up and I swallow. I'm like…

00:15:29.094 --> 00:15:31.305 align:center
Let's go.

00:15:34.391 --> 00:15:36.226 align:center
But you have to eat oats. You do.

00:15:37.478 --> 00:15:40.397 align:center
That's what they say. It's a super food.

00:15:40.481 --> 00:15:41.857 align:center
You know about this?

00:15:42.816 --> 00:15:46.987 align:center
It's… the food system
is all messed up, I swear.

00:15:47.071 --> 00:15:49.490 align:center
They've got microplastics now.

00:15:49.990 --> 00:15:50.908 align:center
You heard about this?

00:15:50.991 --> 00:15:53.410 align:center
One of my friends,
he was telling me, allegedly,

00:15:53.494 --> 00:15:57.748 align:center
the average person
eats one credit card a week.

00:15:59.375 --> 00:16:00.668 align:center
That's too much.

00:16:02.544 --> 00:16:05.756 align:center
I take one bite,
I'm like, that's enough, you know?

00:16:08.092 --> 00:16:11.804 align:center
But you gotta eat healthy, you know?
You do have to eat healthy.

00:16:11.887 --> 00:16:14.556 align:center
I've been having smoothies.

00:16:15.224 --> 00:16:16.850 align:center
You guys don't do smoothies?

00:16:18.143 --> 00:16:20.854 align:center
I'm doing smoothies.
You've gotta do smoothies now.

00:16:20.938 --> 00:16:23.190 align:center
I don't know what to put in the smoothies.

00:16:23.273 --> 00:16:26.777 align:center
I don't know who to trust.
I've just got everything in there.

00:16:26.860 --> 00:16:30.364 align:center
Anyone-- Any-- Anything anyone says
you've gotta put in a smoothie,

00:16:30.447 --> 00:16:32.282 align:center
I'll put it in there, you know?

00:16:32.366 --> 00:16:34.952 align:center
I don't know who to trust.
Left wing, right wing?

00:16:36.078 --> 00:16:38.622 align:center
They all have great ideas on smoothies.

00:16:39.123 --> 00:16:41.709 align:center
I've got elk meat
and AstraZeneca, you know?

00:16:43.335 --> 00:16:45.754 align:center
I'm having diarrhea and autism.

00:16:49.383 --> 00:16:50.676 align:center
But…

00:16:51.385 --> 00:16:54.596 align:center
No, it's crazy to be out here.

00:16:56.682 --> 00:16:59.017 align:center
It's a beautiful place, America.

00:16:59.101 --> 00:17:01.979 align:center
Because you guys have diversity here.

00:17:02.980 --> 00:17:05.774 align:center
Not in this room, but…

00:17:05.858 --> 00:17:08.444 align:center
Generally there is diversity, you know?

00:17:08.527 --> 00:17:09.445 align:center
It's beautiful.

00:17:09.528 --> 00:17:11.822 align:center
We've got diversity in Australia.

00:17:12.322 --> 00:17:14.491 align:center
But we've got different guys to you.

00:17:15.951 --> 00:17:17.745 align:center
You guys have got different guys here.

00:17:17.828 --> 00:17:19.038 align:center
And I think that's nice.

00:17:20.080 --> 00:17:23.208 align:center
I think that's good.
It's good to see new guys.

00:17:23.292 --> 00:17:24.209 align:center
I've been seeing new--

00:17:24.293 --> 00:17:28.505 align:center
I saw a Korean man
yelling at a Hasidic Jew

00:17:29.006 --> 00:17:30.049 align:center
in Spanish.

00:17:32.092 --> 00:17:33.761 align:center
Isn't that beautiful?

00:17:34.344 --> 00:17:37.014 align:center
Isn't that what
we've been working towards?

00:17:37.097 --> 00:17:39.683 align:center
That's gorgeous. That's nice.

00:17:39.767 --> 00:17:41.185 align:center
It's 'cause you have Latin culture.

00:17:41.268 --> 00:17:44.271 align:center
Latin culture is infused
into American society.

00:17:44.354 --> 00:17:45.689 align:center
It's beautiful, you know?

00:17:45.773 --> 00:17:48.692 align:center
We don't really
have Latin culture in Australia.

00:17:48.776 --> 00:17:50.527 align:center
We've got a couple of guys.

00:17:52.488 --> 00:17:54.615 align:center
They're called Guzman y Gomez.

00:17:54.698 --> 00:17:56.825 align:center
They…

00:17:56.909 --> 00:17:59.078 align:center
They're kind of entrepreneurs.

00:17:59.953 --> 00:18:01.455 align:center
It's a part of American society.

00:18:01.538 --> 00:18:03.999 align:center
I love it. I've been embracing it a lot.

00:18:04.082 --> 00:18:07.002 align:center
I went to a Mexican restaurant.

00:18:07.086 --> 00:18:08.796 align:center
It's… called Chipotle.

00:18:10.172 --> 00:18:12.299 align:center
Very beautiful culture. Very beautiful.

00:18:12.382 --> 00:18:16.053 align:center
I went to a Mexican restaurant
one time in Los Angeles.

00:18:16.136 --> 00:18:19.473 align:center
And it was a beautiful restaurant.
Very long line. I was lining up.

00:18:19.556 --> 00:18:21.892 align:center
I was lining up
behind this middle-aged man,

00:18:21.975 --> 00:18:23.811 align:center
and he was with his mother.

00:18:23.894 --> 00:18:26.688 align:center
And they were speaking Spanish
to each other.

00:18:26.772 --> 00:18:27.898 align:center
That's traditional.

00:18:29.608 --> 00:18:33.403 align:center
At one point, he leaves a line
to go get his mother a menu.

00:18:33.487 --> 00:18:35.489 align:center
But he also got me a menu.

00:18:36.073 --> 00:18:37.825 align:center
Isn't that gorgeous?

00:18:37.908 --> 00:18:39.284 align:center
That's really nice.

00:18:39.368 --> 00:18:40.410 align:center
That's really…

00:18:40.494 --> 00:18:43.121 align:center
So I look him in the eyes and I say,

00:18:43.205 --> 00:18:44.039 align:center
"Gracias."

00:18:46.625 --> 00:18:48.585 align:center
He looks at me.
He says, "I speak English."

00:18:49.753 --> 00:18:52.381 align:center
"You don't need
to practice your Spanish on me."

00:18:52.881 --> 00:18:55.300 align:center
And that's a learning moment
for me, you know?

00:18:55.384 --> 00:18:57.636 align:center
I'm humbled. I'm not from around here.

00:18:57.719 --> 00:19:00.764 align:center
All I can-- I bow my head and I say,

00:19:00.848 --> 00:19:02.224 align:center
"Lo siento."

00:19:20.784 --> 00:19:21.827 align:center
But…

00:19:21.910 --> 00:19:24.454 align:center
But my life's not going well. I, um…

00:19:26.498 --> 00:19:28.709 align:center
I'm serious.
I realized my life wasn't going well

00:19:28.792 --> 00:19:32.963 align:center
because Spotify recommended me
a playlist called Sad Girl Vibes.

00:19:33.046 --> 00:19:35.048 align:center
Uh…

00:19:36.008 --> 00:19:38.760 align:center
It's not good, man.
The world's gone nasty.

00:19:39.469 --> 00:19:41.054 align:center
The Internet's gone nasty.

00:19:41.138 --> 00:19:43.473 align:center
Don't you think?
Internet's very nasty now.

00:19:43.557 --> 00:19:45.309 align:center
I was on, um, gmail.com.

00:19:47.144 --> 00:19:49.938 align:center
Very nasty stuff they got going on.

00:19:50.022 --> 00:19:51.356 align:center
They got a new notification.

00:19:51.440 --> 00:19:54.318 align:center
It says, "You sent this e-mail
four days ago."

00:19:54.401 --> 00:19:55.944 align:center
They haven't replied.

00:19:57.362 --> 00:19:59.031 align:center
It's like, you don't need to tell me that.

00:20:00.032 --> 00:20:02.576 align:center
I've been thinking about that
for four days, you know?

00:20:03.869 --> 00:20:05.120 align:center
It's nasty, you know?

00:20:05.204 --> 00:20:08.749 align:center
They have a thing now, it's called AI.

00:20:09.625 --> 00:20:13.170 align:center
I heard they're introducing it
at JFK Airport. It's…

00:20:18.759 --> 00:20:21.178 align:center
I heard it's going to
affect the future of jobs.

00:20:21.261 --> 00:20:22.596 align:center
That's what it's saying.

00:20:22.679 --> 00:20:24.932 align:center
It's saying the jobs--
The article I was reading,

00:20:25.015 --> 00:20:26.975 align:center
it was saying
the jobs that are most secure,

00:20:27.059 --> 00:20:30.145 align:center
they're the ones you can define
just by reading the job title.

00:20:30.229 --> 00:20:33.690 align:center
Just by reading the job title,
you need to know what the job's about.

00:20:33.774 --> 00:20:35.567 align:center
Jobs like a soccer player.

00:20:36.610 --> 00:20:38.612 align:center
That's really good, you know?

00:20:39.196 --> 00:20:41.323 align:center
Nurse. That's a doing word.

00:20:44.493 --> 00:20:45.786 align:center
Yeah, yeah.

00:20:47.454 --> 00:20:50.666 align:center
Not to brag, but stand-up comedy,
that's very secure.

00:20:51.708 --> 00:20:53.252 align:center
Comedy. Make people laugh.

00:20:53.335 --> 00:20:56.922 align:center
It even tells you what position
to do it in, you know? Like…

00:20:57.005 --> 00:20:59.049 align:center
Upright. Um…

00:20:59.132 --> 00:21:01.760 align:center
But I get worried,
because I have a family friend,

00:21:01.843 --> 00:21:04.137 align:center
and he's a management consultant.

00:21:04.638 --> 00:21:07.182 align:center
I can't even begin
to know what that is, you know?

00:21:07.265 --> 00:21:09.685 align:center
I don't even know what management is.

00:21:09.768 --> 00:21:12.938 align:center
I guess you manage,
but so does everyone, you know?

00:21:14.398 --> 00:21:16.191 align:center
Even people who are struggling.

00:21:16.900 --> 00:21:18.193 align:center
You say, "Do you need help?"

00:21:18.277 --> 00:21:20.112 align:center
They say, "I'll manage," you know?

00:21:21.154 --> 00:21:25.409 align:center
I'm worried about him on multiple levels,
because, um, even "family friend…"

00:21:29.371 --> 00:21:32.749 align:center
That's someone who's neither family
nor a friend, you know?

00:21:32.833 --> 00:21:35.544 align:center
That's a guy you have to hang out with
'cause of your dad.

00:21:40.215 --> 00:21:42.551 align:center
But my life's not going well, um…

00:21:42.634 --> 00:21:43.510 align:center
I'm serious.

00:21:43.593 --> 00:21:45.554 align:center
I clogged my drain the other day.

00:21:47.347 --> 00:21:48.765 align:center
I did. I clogged it right up.

00:21:48.849 --> 00:21:50.809 align:center
I had to get a bottle of Drano.

00:21:50.892 --> 00:21:54.062 align:center
This guy, he shows me around the store
for like ten minutes.

00:21:54.146 --> 00:21:56.898 align:center
At the end of it, he's like,
"This is unbelievable."

00:21:56.982 --> 00:21:58.942 align:center
"I have no idea where they're putting it."

00:22:00.235 --> 00:22:02.738 align:center
I was like, "I thought you were 'them,'"
you know? Like…

00:22:03.947 --> 00:22:06.408 align:center
But I go home, I take the Drano home.

00:22:06.491 --> 00:22:08.994 align:center
This drain is clogged up.

00:22:09.077 --> 00:22:10.037 align:center
It's really bad.

00:22:10.120 --> 00:22:12.956 align:center
I had to pour the whole bottle of Drano
down there to get it unclogged.

00:22:13.040 --> 00:22:15.292 align:center
I thought that's what
you're supposed to do.

00:22:15.375 --> 00:22:16.335 align:center
I told my friend this.

00:22:16.418 --> 00:22:18.003 align:center
He said, "That's disgusting."

00:22:19.004 --> 00:22:21.715 align:center
It's like, "Do you know how bad
that is for the dolphins?"

00:22:22.466 --> 00:22:25.677 align:center
And to be honest, like, I didn't even
consider the dolphins, you know?

00:22:26.678 --> 00:22:28.388 align:center
I didn't know that it got to them.

00:22:28.889 --> 00:22:30.515 align:center
That's so far away.

00:22:31.266 --> 00:22:32.934 align:center
I'm on the seventh floor.

00:22:34.519 --> 00:22:37.147 align:center
But when he told me that,
I felt horrible, you know?

00:22:37.230 --> 00:22:38.982 align:center
Like, I was disgusted with myself.

00:22:39.066 --> 00:22:41.360 align:center
I had to make a peace offering.

00:22:41.443 --> 00:22:43.487 align:center
I poured a can of tuna down there.

00:22:45.614 --> 00:22:47.324 align:center
Please have that, you know, please.

00:22:47.824 --> 00:22:50.952 align:center
It wouldn't really go down,
so I had to put a little bit of Drano to…

00:22:52.579 --> 00:22:53.663 align:center
…ease it through, you know?

00:22:53.747 --> 00:22:56.666 align:center
We got to get it to the dolphins.

00:23:00.337 --> 00:23:02.756 align:center
Other stuff's going well.
I got a dishwasher.

00:23:02.839 --> 00:23:04.508 align:center
Yeah, thank you.

00:23:07.803 --> 00:23:09.388 align:center
That's the biggest clap of the show.

00:23:09.471 --> 00:23:12.474 align:center
That's…

00:23:12.557 --> 00:23:15.477 align:center
I got a dishwasher.
It's been going pretty good.

00:23:15.560 --> 00:23:18.438 align:center
I used to rinse the dishes
before I put them in.

00:23:18.522 --> 00:23:21.233 align:center
But I heard that you're not
supposed to do that, you know?

00:23:21.316 --> 00:23:23.860 align:center
I heard that if you rinse them
before you put them in,

00:23:23.944 --> 00:23:26.905 align:center
it's actually really bad
for the dishwasher's self-confidence.

00:23:26.988 --> 00:23:30.450 align:center
It needs to be built on trust, you know?

00:23:32.327 --> 00:23:35.497 align:center
I don't risk it anymore. I go dining now.

00:23:35.997 --> 00:23:37.749 align:center
I'm eating out. You guys dine?

00:23:37.833 --> 00:23:39.418 align:center
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

00:23:39.501 --> 00:23:40.710 align:center
Hell yeah.

00:23:42.504 --> 00:23:43.422 align:center
You guys dine?

00:23:43.505 --> 00:23:44.589 align:center
-Yeah.
-Wow.

00:23:44.673 --> 00:23:46.800 align:center
-Table for two?
-Table for two.

00:23:46.883 --> 00:23:48.260 align:center
Pretty good.

00:23:49.511 --> 00:23:51.721 align:center
Pretty good.
I've been doing table for one.

00:23:52.806 --> 00:23:55.934 align:center
Nothing wrong with that.
It's not illegal yet. Um…

00:23:56.017 --> 00:23:58.478 align:center
They're probably gonna try to make it.
But I, um…

00:23:58.562 --> 00:24:00.856 align:center
Table for one. You can book online.

00:24:02.232 --> 00:24:03.525 align:center
Resy.com.

00:24:05.277 --> 00:24:07.237 align:center
What is this, an open table crowd?

00:24:10.991 --> 00:24:12.451 align:center
I'm…

00:24:18.540 --> 00:24:20.750 align:center
I'm booking online. I, um…

00:24:20.834 --> 00:24:21.960 align:center
I am table for one.

00:24:22.043 --> 00:24:24.129 align:center
They always ask you if it's an occasion.

00:24:24.629 --> 00:24:26.798 align:center
I always put something, you know?

00:24:26.882 --> 00:24:28.675 align:center
'Cause it's funny.

00:24:28.758 --> 00:24:30.719 align:center
On the page, it looks funny.

00:24:30.802 --> 00:24:32.804 align:center
Table for one, there's an occasion?

00:24:34.055 --> 00:24:35.849 align:center
Are you kidding me?

00:24:35.932 --> 00:24:37.934 align:center
That's unbelievable.

00:24:39.311 --> 00:24:41.188 align:center
You get there, it's not funny.

00:24:43.565 --> 00:24:45.442 align:center
They're very sad for you, you know?

00:24:48.612 --> 00:24:50.405 align:center
"Happy anniversary." You know? Like…

00:24:56.745 --> 00:24:59.456 align:center
But, I mean, yeah,
I've been dining out too much, probably.

00:24:59.539 --> 00:25:00.832 align:center
I've been dining out a lot.

00:25:00.916 --> 00:25:02.959 align:center
My body is falling apart.

00:25:03.043 --> 00:25:04.586 align:center
It's falling apart. I got--

00:25:04.669 --> 00:25:08.381 align:center
I had a tooth that was decaying so bad,
I went to the dentist, and she's like,

00:25:08.465 --> 00:25:11.009 align:center
"Yeah, we're gonna
have to put a crown on it."

00:25:11.092 --> 00:25:13.261 align:center
I was like,
"Why are you putting a crown on that one?"

00:25:13.345 --> 00:25:14.679 align:center
"That's the worst tooth."

00:25:16.181 --> 00:25:18.266 align:center
"You've gotta put it on the canines."

00:25:18.808 --> 00:25:20.101 align:center
I love those dogs.

00:25:22.229 --> 00:25:24.773 align:center
But she's like, "No, it's urgent.
We're gonna have to do it now."

00:25:24.856 --> 00:25:27.776 align:center
And, um, she did the root canal,
put the crown on,

00:25:27.859 --> 00:25:29.611 align:center
and she's like, "I'm sorry."

00:25:29.694 --> 00:25:31.780 align:center
"I'm sorry, but, um,
you're gonna have to hold off

00:25:31.863 --> 00:25:34.991 align:center
from flossing that area
for about two weeks."

00:25:35.492 --> 00:25:38.703 align:center
And I was like, "I've been holding off
for a lot longer than that."

00:25:38.787 --> 00:25:40.914 align:center
"On your word, doc."

00:25:43.208 --> 00:25:45.126 align:center
My body's falling apart.

00:25:45.210 --> 00:25:47.796 align:center
I got a fungal infection
on my toe, you know?

00:25:47.879 --> 00:25:51.841 align:center
Sorry to have to tell you that,
but that is what's going on in my life.

00:25:51.925 --> 00:25:56.221 align:center
And I went to the doctor's and he said,
"You know, in the past,

00:25:56.304 --> 00:25:58.723 align:center
traditionally, how people
would prevent infection,

00:25:58.807 --> 00:26:00.850 align:center
they used to urinate on the feet."

00:26:01.851 --> 00:26:04.896 align:center
I was like, "I'm gonna need
a second opinion on that

00:26:04.980 --> 00:26:05.814 align:center
before you do it."

00:26:05.897 --> 00:26:08.900 align:center
Like, you know? Like…

00:26:09.776 --> 00:26:11.236 align:center
But I need to get into shape.

00:26:11.319 --> 00:26:13.655 align:center
I do. I'm a family man now.

00:26:13.738 --> 00:26:15.490 align:center
I've got a sister. Um…

00:26:17.158 --> 00:26:17.993 align:center
I've got a sister.

00:26:18.076 --> 00:26:21.079 align:center
I'm trying to get into shape.
I'm getting inspired.

00:26:21.162 --> 00:26:23.748 align:center
I watched my friend do the triathlon.

00:26:24.249 --> 00:26:27.043 align:center
That's running, swimming, and cycling.

00:26:27.127 --> 00:26:31.047 align:center
I don't think I've done those activities
in the same calendar year, you know?

00:26:31.548 --> 00:26:33.091 align:center
It's very inspiring.

00:26:33.174 --> 00:26:34.718 align:center
I've got to get inspired to work.

00:26:34.801 --> 00:26:36.761 align:center
I've been watching sports.

00:26:36.845 --> 00:26:37.721 align:center
You seen this?

00:26:39.180 --> 00:26:41.850 align:center
They're fit, these guys. I, um…

00:26:41.933 --> 00:26:43.643 align:center
I've been watching soccer.

00:26:43.727 --> 00:26:46.730 align:center
I watched a game just today, you know?

00:26:46.813 --> 00:26:49.107 align:center
At halftime,
they got the commentators to come on,

00:26:49.190 --> 00:26:51.026 align:center
talk about the first half of the match.

00:26:51.109 --> 00:26:52.944 align:center
And one of them,
he was talking about a player.

00:26:53.028 --> 00:26:56.656 align:center
He said, "This is the most creative player
we've ever seen."

00:26:56.740 --> 00:26:59.868 align:center
"He's like a book with hundreds of pages

00:26:59.951 --> 00:27:01.870 align:center
and every page is different."

00:27:02.662 --> 00:27:04.205 align:center
I'm like, that's every book.

00:27:06.416 --> 00:27:11.629 align:center
If your book has the same pages,
I'd say your book is broken, you know?

00:27:11.713 --> 00:27:13.548 align:center
You need to get a new book.

00:27:14.215 --> 00:27:16.176 align:center
But I'm doing it now, I'm working out.

00:27:16.259 --> 00:27:17.677 align:center
I go and I work out.

00:27:17.761 --> 00:27:18.928 align:center
I go to a gym.

00:27:19.012 --> 00:27:22.682 align:center
I go to one of these gyms,
everyone's looking gorgeous, you know?

00:27:22.766 --> 00:27:25.310 align:center
You know these?
Some gyms, people don't look good.

00:27:26.353 --> 00:27:28.730 align:center
The gym I'm at, everyone's gorgeous.

00:27:28.813 --> 00:27:31.232 align:center
But they work out
with an intensity in their eyes

00:27:31.316 --> 00:27:34.402 align:center
that suggests that
they don't believe they look good.

00:27:34.986 --> 00:27:37.489 align:center
That's a real tragedy.

00:27:37.572 --> 00:27:39.824 align:center
It breaks my heart, you know?

00:27:39.908 --> 00:27:42.327 align:center
I have to remind people, you know?

00:27:42.410 --> 00:27:43.995 align:center
I announce it in the change room.

00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:45.497 align:center
Uh…

00:27:45.580 --> 00:27:47.957 align:center
I'm like, "Fellas, you're looking good!"

00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:50.043 align:center
"You're looking nice!"

00:27:50.126 --> 00:27:51.169 align:center
The ladies are good too.

00:27:51.252 --> 00:27:53.546 align:center
I don't go--
I yell it into the change room.

00:27:54.714 --> 00:27:56.800 align:center
There's no laws against that. Um…

00:28:00.011 --> 00:28:01.054 align:center
Not yet.

00:28:05.141 --> 00:28:08.978 align:center
But I don't know.
It's good to be out here, you know?

00:28:09.062 --> 00:28:11.272 align:center
I'm married now, thank you.

00:28:11.356 --> 00:28:13.525 align:center
Yeah.

00:28:14.275 --> 00:28:16.069 align:center
What a beautiful institution.

00:28:16.152 --> 00:28:17.237 align:center
I, um…

00:28:17.320 --> 00:28:20.073 align:center
I went to Thailand for the honeymoon.

00:28:20.156 --> 00:28:21.658 align:center
Ooh…

00:28:21.741 --> 00:28:23.618 align:center
Yep.

00:28:23.702 --> 00:28:24.703 align:center
I love Thailand.

00:28:24.786 --> 00:28:26.705 align:center
I told my dad this. I texted him.

00:28:26.788 --> 00:28:30.125 align:center
I said, "We're going to Thailand
for the honeymoon."

00:28:30.208 --> 00:28:32.627 align:center
He doesn't text back.
He calls back immediately.

00:28:33.211 --> 00:28:34.879 align:center
He's like, "Don't go to Thailand."

00:28:34.963 --> 00:28:38.174 align:center
"They're harvesting the organs
of Taiwanese nationals."

00:28:39.426 --> 00:28:42.053 align:center
And immediately
I know what's going on, right?

00:28:42.137 --> 00:28:44.848 align:center
'Cause my dad,
he's on an app called WeChat.

00:28:45.849 --> 00:28:48.268 align:center
And what this is,
it's a Chinese messaging app

00:28:48.351 --> 00:28:50.895 align:center
where all my family have a group chat
with one another,

00:28:50.979 --> 00:28:53.815 align:center
and they share, uh, conspiracy theories,

00:28:53.898 --> 00:28:55.692 align:center
often in the form of a JPEG.

00:28:55.775 --> 00:28:58.027 align:center
Um…

00:28:58.111 --> 00:29:01.823 align:center
And the one of that day
was about harvesting Taiwanese organs.

00:29:02.323 --> 00:29:05.034 align:center
I pushed back.
I'm like, "Dad, I'm not Taiwanese."

00:29:06.035 --> 00:29:07.829 align:center
He knows that, you know?

00:29:08.621 --> 00:29:10.623 align:center
We've known each other quite some time.

00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:13.877 align:center
But he's adamant. He keeps pushing, right?

00:29:13.960 --> 00:29:17.130 align:center
I want to convince him once and for all
that these are conspiracy theories.

00:29:17.213 --> 00:29:18.840 align:center
Like, anyone can do them.

00:29:18.923 --> 00:29:21.092 align:center
I'm pretty good at Photoshop.

00:29:21.176 --> 00:29:25.054 align:center
So what I did was I got a picture
of the Australian prime minister,

00:29:25.138 --> 00:29:26.347 align:center
and I put a caption on it.

00:29:26.431 --> 00:29:29.851 align:center
I said that they're beheading
Chinese people in Hornsby.

00:29:31.311 --> 00:29:33.188 align:center
That's where he lives. And…

00:29:34.189 --> 00:29:35.607 align:center
I post that in the group chat.

00:29:35.690 --> 00:29:38.776 align:center
Ten minutes later,
the group chat's going crazy. It's…

00:29:39.402 --> 00:29:42.030 align:center
My uncle calls me.
He's like, "We're locking down." You know?

00:29:44.949 --> 00:29:48.578 align:center
I defied my father's orders.
I went to Thailand anyway.

00:29:48.661 --> 00:29:49.579 align:center
Beautiful country.

00:29:49.662 --> 00:29:52.040 align:center
It's one of the great massage cultures.

00:29:53.249 --> 00:29:54.959 align:center
You've got, um, Thailand,

00:29:55.460 --> 00:29:56.544 align:center
Sweden…

00:29:58.213 --> 00:29:59.130 align:center
And that's it.

00:30:02.801 --> 00:30:03.718 align:center
But, uh…

00:30:03.802 --> 00:30:06.095 align:center
They have, um, these massage places

00:30:06.179 --> 00:30:09.974 align:center
that are run entirely
by female ex-prisoners.

00:30:10.058 --> 00:30:10.892 align:center
It's beautiful.

00:30:10.975 --> 00:30:13.478 align:center
'Cause a lot of society,
they write these women off, right?

00:30:13.561 --> 00:30:15.939 align:center
Some of them have petty crime charges.

00:30:16.022 --> 00:30:18.358 align:center
Some of them even have assault charges.

00:30:18.441 --> 00:30:21.361 align:center
But these places,
they see these women and they said,

00:30:21.444 --> 00:30:22.654 align:center
"What you did,

00:30:23.154 --> 00:30:25.156 align:center
could you focus that
on the neck and the shoulders?"

00:30:25.240 --> 00:30:27.242 align:center
Like…

00:30:31.037 --> 00:30:33.623 align:center
My dad's a great guy. He's a good guy.

00:30:33.706 --> 00:30:36.209 align:center
He helped me invent my signature,
you know?

00:30:36.292 --> 00:30:37.877 align:center
He sat me down, I was eight years old.

00:30:37.961 --> 00:30:39.254 align:center
He was like, "You're a man now."

00:30:39.337 --> 00:30:41.548 align:center
And I remember,
it was such a tender moment.

00:30:41.631 --> 00:30:45.093 align:center
He helped me do every, like, jag
and every curve of the signature.

00:30:45.176 --> 00:30:46.052 align:center
Beautiful.

00:30:46.135 --> 00:30:49.430 align:center
Immediately after, he helped me
commit my first tax fraud.

00:30:49.514 --> 00:30:50.682 align:center
He…

00:30:50.765 --> 00:30:52.725 align:center
Like, "Sign here,
where it says you work for me."

00:30:52.809 --> 00:30:55.353 align:center
And, um, I didn't work for him.

00:30:55.436 --> 00:30:57.230 align:center
So I was reluctant, you know?

00:30:57.313 --> 00:31:01.484 align:center
But he had to take me to his accountant
to try to strong-arm me.

00:31:01.568 --> 00:31:05.863 align:center
And she's a Chinese woman,
and she was really flexing on me.

00:31:05.947 --> 00:31:08.366 align:center
And how you do this in Chinese culture

00:31:08.449 --> 00:31:11.578 align:center
is you bring up
a lot of stories from history,

00:31:11.661 --> 00:31:12.620 align:center
show off your knowledge.

00:31:12.704 --> 00:31:15.206 align:center
Like, you've got to know a lot of idioms,
stuff like that.

00:31:15.290 --> 00:31:19.335 align:center
And she sits me down, and she's like,
"Do you know Michelangelo?"

00:31:19.836 --> 00:31:21.379 align:center
And I was like, "Yeah."

00:31:21.462 --> 00:31:22.839 align:center
I thought it was a turtle.

00:31:22.922 --> 00:31:24.924 align:center
Um…

00:31:27.051 --> 00:31:30.763 align:center
But she says, "When he finished
building the Statue of David…"

00:31:30.847 --> 00:31:32.724 align:center
And I was like, "There's another one."

00:31:32.807 --> 00:31:34.809 align:center
Um…

00:31:36.728 --> 00:31:39.022 align:center
"But when he finished, uh,
someone came up to him,

00:31:39.105 --> 00:31:41.524 align:center
and they said, 'Was it hard?'"

00:31:41.608 --> 00:31:43.776 align:center
"And he said, 'No, it was easy.'"

00:31:43.860 --> 00:31:47.947 align:center
"'I just took away from the marble
everything that wasn't David.'"

00:31:48.698 --> 00:31:51.326 align:center
And I was like, "What's that got to do
with my tax return?" You know?

00:31:52.410 --> 00:31:55.330 align:center
And she said, "Well, the block of marble,
that's your income."

00:31:55.914 --> 00:31:58.291 align:center
"David, that's your tax return."

00:32:00.126 --> 00:32:02.629 align:center
And I didn't know what that meant. Um…

00:32:02.712 --> 00:32:05.006 align:center
But I thought
we were both going to jail, for sure.

00:32:07.842 --> 00:32:09.552 align:center
But it's good being married.

00:32:09.636 --> 00:32:11.846 align:center
Beautiful thing to be married. I, uh…

00:32:11.929 --> 00:32:15.266 align:center
My wife, she moved from Australia,
uh, to America with me.

00:32:15.350 --> 00:32:17.518 align:center
She quit her corporate job in Australia.

00:32:17.602 --> 00:32:19.562 align:center
And now she's at culinary school.

00:32:22.815 --> 00:32:25.109 align:center
After that, we'll send her
to cleaning school.

00:32:31.783 --> 00:32:33.159 align:center
Uh, sorry for saying that.

00:32:33.242 --> 00:32:35.244 align:center
I, uh…

00:32:35.870 --> 00:32:38.790 align:center
Uh, but a lot of you did like it, so…

00:32:40.750 --> 00:32:44.837 align:center
I wanted to cut that out of the special,
but you liked it too much.

00:32:44.921 --> 00:32:46.172 align:center
Um…

00:32:47.548 --> 00:32:49.842 align:center
She goes to a culinary school
in, uh, Manhattan.

00:32:49.926 --> 00:32:53.513 align:center
It's called the
Institute of Culinary Education.

00:32:53.596 --> 00:32:56.099 align:center
That's ICE. Uh…

00:32:56.182 --> 00:32:59.268 align:center
It's an unbelievable time
to be going to a school called ICE.

00:32:59.352 --> 00:33:02.772 align:center
They like the name,
they think it's good, uh…

00:33:02.855 --> 00:33:05.149 align:center
Some big letters on her backpack, ICE.

00:33:06.526 --> 00:33:08.653 align:center
She catches the subway like that.

00:33:08.736 --> 00:33:10.905 align:center
I'm like, "I'm gonna get a different one."

00:33:10.988 --> 00:33:13.783 align:center
I, uh…

00:33:13.866 --> 00:33:16.244 align:center
If you want to go to culinary school
in New York,

00:33:16.327 --> 00:33:18.663 align:center
the two options that you have is ICE

00:33:18.746 --> 00:33:21.290 align:center
or the Culinary Institute of America.

00:33:22.291 --> 00:33:23.251 align:center
CIA.

00:33:24.544 --> 00:33:26.629 align:center
This is unbelievable.

00:33:26.713 --> 00:33:29.882 align:center
She's going to have to do
a post-grad abroad, um,

00:33:29.966 --> 00:33:31.092 align:center
she's going to Al-Qaeda.

00:33:31.175 --> 00:33:33.511 align:center
It's a beautiful school.

00:33:35.638 --> 00:33:36.848 align:center
But it's good to be married.

00:33:36.931 --> 00:33:38.725 align:center
We're having a couple of arguments.

00:33:38.808 --> 00:33:40.476 align:center
That's healthy.

00:33:40.560 --> 00:33:41.728 align:center
That's beautiful.

00:33:43.187 --> 00:33:46.524 align:center
Our main source of argument at the moment
is how we sort the laundry.

00:33:46.607 --> 00:33:48.609 align:center
You know? How we organize the clothes.

00:33:48.693 --> 00:33:50.486 align:center
'Cause I'm quite a simple guy.

00:33:50.570 --> 00:33:53.072 align:center
Like, a simpleton,
that kind of thing. You know?

00:33:53.156 --> 00:33:55.825 align:center
I have a very simple system
of organizing my laundry.

00:33:55.908 --> 00:33:58.202 align:center
It follows the human form.

00:33:58.286 --> 00:34:00.163 align:center
It goes top shelf, tops.

00:34:00.246 --> 00:34:02.040 align:center
Bottom shelf, bottoms.

00:34:02.123 --> 00:34:04.417 align:center
Middle shelf, obviously belts.

00:34:06.335 --> 00:34:09.922 align:center
But she has a much more complex system.
You know? She's very intelligent.

00:34:10.006 --> 00:34:12.759 align:center
She tries to trick me, and…

00:34:12.842 --> 00:34:15.970 align:center
She doesn't just have three categories.
She's got sub-categories.

00:34:16.054 --> 00:34:18.848 align:center
And some of the categories
are subjective, you know?

00:34:18.931 --> 00:34:21.476 align:center
She's got a category
called "cute little tops."

00:34:23.728 --> 00:34:25.438 align:center
I'm like, "How am I supposed to do that?"

00:34:25.521 --> 00:34:26.981 align:center
You know? We're having big fights.

00:34:27.065 --> 00:34:29.108 align:center
I'm like, "Honey, I don't think
that top's that cute."

00:34:34.113 --> 00:34:37.575 align:center
But it's taking me a long time
to sort the laundry, you know?

00:34:37.658 --> 00:34:39.744 align:center
So I've been reading the tags.

00:34:39.827 --> 00:34:40.828 align:center
There's stuff in--

00:34:40.912 --> 00:34:42.705 align:center
There's content, you know?

00:34:42.789 --> 00:34:45.958 align:center
I didn't know there was content.
Everywhere you look, you can find content.

00:34:46.042 --> 00:34:47.251 align:center
Um…

00:34:47.335 --> 00:34:49.921 align:center
That's really good.
There's content on the tag.

00:34:50.004 --> 00:34:52.715 align:center
I was reading one of the shirts,
and one of the tags, it said,

00:34:52.799 --> 00:34:56.969 align:center
"I'm made of 100%
recycled plastic bottles."

00:34:57.053 --> 00:35:00.598 align:center
I was shocked. I took the shirt up to her.
I said, "We're doing pretty well."

00:35:01.599 --> 00:35:03.601 align:center
"I can get you something better,
you know."

00:35:04.602 --> 00:35:06.395 align:center
"Made of anything you want."

00:35:06.479 --> 00:35:07.563 align:center
"Even new bottles."

00:35:07.647 --> 00:35:11.192 align:center
Like, "We can… we can do that."

00:35:11.692 --> 00:35:14.445 align:center
But that's not to say
that I don't have crazy clothes of my own.

00:35:14.529 --> 00:35:16.656 align:center
I've got a set of pajamas.

00:35:16.739 --> 00:35:19.033 align:center
That's tops and bottoms.

00:35:19.116 --> 00:35:21.077 align:center
Where's that going? You know?

00:35:21.869 --> 00:35:24.413 align:center
Can't go with the belts. It, um…

00:35:24.497 --> 00:35:27.875 align:center
But the pajama, the top,
it's a button-down top, right?

00:35:27.959 --> 00:35:30.503 align:center
And that's more formal
than I wear day-to-day.

00:35:31.879 --> 00:35:33.840 align:center
I imagine an outside observer looking in.

00:35:33.923 --> 00:35:38.052 align:center
They'd see me take off my T-shirt
and putting on a button-down.

00:35:39.303 --> 00:35:41.472 align:center
They'd be like,
"This guy is serious about sleep."

00:35:42.598 --> 00:35:44.433 align:center
I'm like, let's hit those KPIs.

00:35:44.517 --> 00:35:46.185 align:center
Uh…

00:35:46.269 --> 00:35:49.188 align:center
But since we moved in together,
we have new stuff.

00:35:49.272 --> 00:35:51.274 align:center
There's new stuff in the house.

00:35:51.357 --> 00:35:52.817 align:center
It's unbelievable. I didn't--

00:35:52.900 --> 00:35:54.777 align:center
The bathroom has more things.

00:35:55.820 --> 00:35:58.990 align:center
Before I got married, I had three liquids.

00:36:00.032 --> 00:36:02.910 align:center
You had the hand wash, um, toothpaste,

00:36:02.994 --> 00:36:04.453 align:center
and then three-in-one.

00:36:06.038 --> 00:36:08.207 align:center
And that would cover
all realms of the body.

00:36:08.291 --> 00:36:09.584 align:center
Um…

00:36:09.667 --> 00:36:12.795 align:center
But now we've got a lot of liquids.
There's new sauces.

00:36:13.880 --> 00:36:16.465 align:center
We've got a skincare regime now.

00:36:16.549 --> 00:36:17.550 align:center
And it is a regime.

00:36:17.633 --> 00:36:18.593 align:center
Very oppressive.

00:36:18.676 --> 00:36:21.512 align:center
It's…

00:36:22.555 --> 00:36:23.389 align:center
It's daily.

00:36:23.472 --> 00:36:27.185 align:center
There's new liquids
that I've never heard of before.

00:36:27.268 --> 00:36:31.147 align:center
The other day she said to me, um,
"Can you pass the toner?"

00:36:31.230 --> 00:36:33.858 align:center
And I was like, "We don't have a printer."
You know? Like…

00:36:41.449 --> 00:36:43.910 align:center
But it's good. You know, it's, um…

00:36:43.993 --> 00:36:46.120 align:center
You've got to put the effort in.

00:36:49.040 --> 00:36:50.666 align:center
That's really my advice. You do.

00:36:50.750 --> 00:36:52.293 align:center
I've been putting the effort in.

00:36:52.376 --> 00:36:55.296 align:center
I did, um, the love language test.

00:36:55.379 --> 00:36:56.672 align:center
It's so important.

00:36:57.757 --> 00:36:59.884 align:center
It's one of the most important things
you can do.

00:36:59.967 --> 00:37:02.595 align:center
And I did it. I, um…

00:37:02.678 --> 00:37:03.888 align:center
I did the love language test.

00:37:03.971 --> 00:37:06.515 align:center
It turns out my love language
is not gift-giving.

00:37:06.599 --> 00:37:09.060 align:center
Um, and it was my wife's birthday
the other week.

00:37:10.353 --> 00:37:13.147 align:center
So what I did was,
I put my hand on her shoulder.

00:37:13.648 --> 00:37:14.857 align:center
And I said, "Good on you."

00:37:16.943 --> 00:37:19.237 align:center
That's, uh, words of affirmation.

00:37:19.320 --> 00:37:21.530 align:center
And touch, you know? Kinda…

00:37:21.614 --> 00:37:24.450 align:center
I got her two things. Um…

00:37:24.533 --> 00:37:25.993 align:center
Really spoiled her.

00:37:26.577 --> 00:37:30.414 align:center
It's quality time too, two hours straight.
We did it, um…

00:37:30.498 --> 00:37:33.376 align:center
"Good on you. Good on you." You know?

00:37:33.459 --> 00:37:35.878 align:center
She does like quality time. She loves it.

00:37:35.962 --> 00:37:38.047 align:center
She loves going to cultural events.

00:37:38.130 --> 00:37:39.548 align:center
Isn't that good?

00:37:41.384 --> 00:37:44.261 align:center
We went to the opera together.
We went-- I, um…

00:37:44.345 --> 00:37:48.224 align:center
I struggled, I must admit, uh…

00:37:48.307 --> 00:37:49.976 align:center
She's like,
"Why are you closing your eyes?"

00:37:50.059 --> 00:37:52.019 align:center
I'm like, "I'm really into it."

00:37:52.103 --> 00:37:55.189 align:center
Uh… yeah.

00:37:55.272 --> 00:37:56.774 align:center
"But I think you were snoring."

00:37:56.857 --> 00:37:59.151 align:center
I was like, "I was singing along." Uh…

00:38:01.570 --> 00:38:03.239 align:center
I love that bit. I, um…

00:38:06.784 --> 00:38:10.204 align:center
But you learn a lot from being married.
You do. I have been learning a lot.

00:38:10.288 --> 00:38:14.375 align:center
Um, before I got married,
I had the same pillow for ten years.

00:38:15.793 --> 00:38:17.420 align:center
I didn't know you weren't allowed.

00:38:19.046 --> 00:38:21.090 align:center
I thought that was good.
Like, cost per use.

00:38:21.173 --> 00:38:22.383 align:center
That kind of thing, you know?

00:38:22.466 --> 00:38:25.011 align:center
By the time I was finished with it,
it was wafer thin.

00:38:26.470 --> 00:38:28.889 align:center
It was a memory foam pillow, you know?

00:38:28.973 --> 00:38:30.433 align:center
Ran out of storage space.

00:38:30.516 --> 00:38:32.518 align:center
Yeah.

00:38:33.310 --> 00:38:34.145 align:center
When I got married,

00:38:34.228 --> 00:38:37.356 align:center
I found out that you're not allowed
to have one pillow for ten years.

00:38:37.440 --> 00:38:39.483 align:center
It's disgusting.

00:38:39.567 --> 00:38:41.736 align:center
It's against God. Um…

00:38:41.819 --> 00:38:44.030 align:center
You have to have four pillows
all the time.

00:38:45.031 --> 00:38:46.907 align:center
Two of the pillows you use.

00:38:46.991 --> 00:38:49.827 align:center
And two of the pillows
you put on the floor straight away.

00:38:51.078 --> 00:38:52.788 align:center
Every single night.

00:38:53.289 --> 00:38:54.665 align:center
You never use them, right?

00:38:54.749 --> 00:38:59.462 align:center
Your neck couldn't sustain that angle
for the duration of the night.

00:38:59.545 --> 00:39:01.505 align:center
These are decorative pillows.

00:39:02.006 --> 00:39:03.507 align:center
What are they decorating?

00:39:04.008 --> 00:39:06.427 align:center
The other pillows.

00:39:06.510 --> 00:39:07.428 align:center
It's unbelievable.

00:39:07.511 --> 00:39:09.638 align:center
They're high quality pillows too.

00:39:09.722 --> 00:39:14.101 align:center
In my household, these pillows,
they're the same as the main pillows.

00:39:14.185 --> 00:39:18.022 align:center
That's a lot of potential going wasted
on the floor every night.

00:39:18.522 --> 00:39:20.024 align:center
They're like, "Put me on, coach."

00:39:21.108 --> 00:39:22.109 align:center
"I could change this up."

00:39:22.193 --> 00:39:24.862 align:center
They're waiting for the main pillows
to get drooled out.

00:39:25.738 --> 00:39:27.156 align:center
And I am drooling.

00:39:27.239 --> 00:39:28.741 align:center
I, uh, hate to admit it,

00:39:28.824 --> 00:39:32.119 align:center
but I have to wear a mouth guard
to go to sleep.

00:39:32.620 --> 00:39:33.788 align:center
Anyone do that?

00:39:35.039 --> 00:39:38.042 align:center
It's humiliating. It's…

00:39:38.793 --> 00:39:40.795 align:center
It's horrible to admit. It's…

00:39:41.545 --> 00:39:43.964 align:center
'Cause back in the day, mouth guards,

00:39:44.048 --> 00:39:46.675 align:center
they were reserved
for professional boxers,

00:39:47.218 --> 00:39:49.428 align:center
um, NFL players.

00:39:49.512 --> 00:39:50.346 align:center
But nowadays,

00:39:50.429 --> 00:39:54.725 align:center
my life's gotten so stressful,
that the act of going to sleep

00:39:54.809 --> 00:39:57.436 align:center
is the same as blunt force head trauma.

00:40:00.147 --> 00:40:01.607 align:center
It's humiliating wearing this thing.

00:40:01.690 --> 00:40:04.443 align:center
And so many oats get stuck in it, it's…

00:40:10.032 --> 00:40:10.866 align:center
But it's good.

00:40:10.950 --> 00:40:13.035 align:center
We've been traveling. We travel.

00:40:13.119 --> 00:40:15.704 align:center
We went to, um, Mexico.

00:40:15.788 --> 00:40:17.415 align:center
Ooh…

00:40:17.498 --> 00:40:20.084 align:center
What a beautiful place. Mexico City.

00:40:24.130 --> 00:40:26.590 align:center
There's a few attempted claps tonight.

00:40:30.344 --> 00:40:31.554 align:center
We went to Mexico City.

00:40:31.637 --> 00:40:34.890 align:center
We went to watch the lucha libre.
You know about this?

00:40:34.974 --> 00:40:36.475 align:center
You don't have to start.

00:40:39.103 --> 00:40:40.438 align:center
We saw the lucha libre.

00:40:40.521 --> 00:40:43.274 align:center
These guys, the luchas,
they wear the masks.

00:40:43.357 --> 00:40:47.069 align:center
You know these guys? They wear the masks,
um, if you don't know the lucha.

00:40:47.153 --> 00:40:50.614 align:center
The most famous lucha
is, um, called Jack Black.

00:40:53.117 --> 00:40:55.035 align:center
And, uh, we went to watch the lucha libre.

00:40:55.119 --> 00:40:56.662 align:center
The first match we watched,

00:40:56.745 --> 00:40:59.457 align:center
it was between a lucha,
the guy wearing the mask,

00:40:59.540 --> 00:41:01.750 align:center
and he was fighting a caveman.

00:41:02.585 --> 00:41:05.921 align:center
And everyone was booing the caveman.
I didn't know what was going on.

00:41:06.005 --> 00:41:07.673 align:center
So I had to ask someone,
"What's happening?"

00:41:07.756 --> 00:41:10.551 align:center
And he said that they like the lucha more

00:41:10.634 --> 00:41:12.761 align:center
'cause the lucha is more traditional.

00:41:12.845 --> 00:41:15.556 align:center
But I would have thought that
the caveman is more traditional.

00:41:16.557 --> 00:41:19.018 align:center
You know, that's one of the original guys.

00:41:19.518 --> 00:41:21.061 align:center
But if you thought that I was confused,

00:41:21.145 --> 00:41:23.939 align:center
my wife didn't know
that wrestling was fake.

00:41:25.566 --> 00:41:28.027 align:center
So she thought that this was a real fight,

00:41:28.110 --> 00:41:29.945 align:center
and they were still choosing to backflip.

00:41:30.029 --> 00:41:31.071 align:center
You know, like they…

00:41:32.406 --> 00:41:34.950 align:center
They thought that was
a good use of their time.

00:41:36.076 --> 00:41:36.911 align:center
Her mind was blown.

00:41:36.994 --> 00:41:39.079 align:center
She took like 100 Instagram stories
on the night.

00:41:39.163 --> 00:41:40.873 align:center
All with the captions like, "Wow."

00:41:40.956 --> 00:41:42.500 align:center
Like, "OMG."

00:41:42.583 --> 00:41:45.169 align:center
Like, it was the best night
of both of our lives.

00:41:45.252 --> 00:41:46.462 align:center
It was unbelievable.

00:41:46.545 --> 00:41:49.715 align:center
At one point in the fight,
a little person came into the ring.

00:41:50.216 --> 00:41:52.468 align:center
And he threw the referee out of the ring.

00:41:53.511 --> 00:41:56.347 align:center
And at that point,
I thought, "The jig is up."

00:41:58.307 --> 00:41:59.892 align:center
The jig was not up.

00:42:00.392 --> 00:42:02.520 align:center
She turns to me,
she's like, "Is that allowed?"

00:42:05.439 --> 00:42:07.983 align:center
I'm like, "I don't know.
It's a real perversion of justice."

00:42:08.067 --> 00:42:10.236 align:center
You know?

00:42:10.319 --> 00:42:13.697 align:center
We were walking home from the night,
from the event.

00:42:13.781 --> 00:42:15.324 align:center
And we were both feeling very good.

00:42:15.407 --> 00:42:17.243 align:center
We were on cloud nine.

00:42:17.326 --> 00:42:20.037 align:center
But as we were walking,
the pieces started to fall into place.

00:42:20.120 --> 00:42:23.123 align:center
And she started to get messages
from back home, from her friends.

00:42:23.207 --> 00:42:26.001 align:center
They're like, "You do know
that wrestling isn't real?"

00:42:27.670 --> 00:42:29.380 align:center
And she was furious at me.

00:42:29.880 --> 00:42:32.800 align:center
She was like, "Why didn't you tell me
that wrestling was fake?"

00:42:32.883 --> 00:42:35.177 align:center
And I was like,
"I wouldn't know where to begin."

00:42:36.595 --> 00:42:38.514 align:center
Like, "Do you know
that cavemen aren't around?"

00:42:38.597 --> 00:42:40.683 align:center
Like, we…

00:42:42.768 --> 00:42:44.728 align:center
"We don't have that anymore," um…

00:42:46.146 --> 00:42:47.731 align:center
Dude, this is a beautiful crowd.

00:42:47.815 --> 00:42:50.025 align:center
What a beautiful crowd.

00:42:50.109 --> 00:42:52.111 align:center
This is amazing. What a night, huh?

00:42:52.194 --> 00:42:55.698 align:center
Any of you come to this show
'cause you know me from Fisk?

00:42:57.491 --> 00:42:58.576 align:center
A few Fisk-heads.

00:42:58.659 --> 00:43:02.204 align:center
If you don't know what Fisk is,
it's, um, kind of a legal comedy.

00:43:02.288 --> 00:43:05.249 align:center
It's created by the Australian government.

00:43:05.332 --> 00:43:07.293 align:center
And, um…

00:43:07.376 --> 00:43:08.627 align:center
I think it's a psy-op.

00:43:08.711 --> 00:43:10.254 align:center
I, uh…

00:43:10.337 --> 00:43:12.923 align:center
No, it changed my life.

00:43:13.007 --> 00:43:14.341 align:center
'Cause before I did Fisk,

00:43:14.425 --> 00:43:17.678 align:center
I was just doing stand-up comedy,
you know.

00:43:17.761 --> 00:43:19.305 align:center
And I always looked like this.

00:43:20.431 --> 00:43:22.933 align:center
This is all I had to offer. Um…

00:43:23.017 --> 00:43:26.437 align:center
And I would go on YouTube and Instagram
to see the demographics,

00:43:26.520 --> 00:43:28.731 align:center
like who was watching the stuff.

00:43:28.814 --> 00:43:33.319 align:center
And it was always 90% male, 25 to 34.

00:43:33.819 --> 00:43:35.404 align:center
Anyone fit that demographic?

00:43:37.573 --> 00:43:39.241 align:center
This is not a good demographic.

00:43:41.118 --> 00:43:42.369 align:center
A lot of incels.

00:43:42.453 --> 00:43:44.371 align:center
Um…

00:43:44.455 --> 00:43:46.248 align:center
These guys,
they don't come out to the show.

00:43:46.332 --> 00:43:48.667 align:center
They're busy planning something.

00:43:50.002 --> 00:43:52.296 align:center
I don't know what. I, uh…

00:43:52.379 --> 00:43:54.465 align:center
But it was a very dark path
I was going down.

00:43:54.548 --> 00:43:56.550 align:center
It couldn't continue that way.

00:43:56.634 --> 00:43:58.969 align:center
But then God intervened.

00:43:59.053 --> 00:44:01.388 align:center
He sent the prophet, Kitty Flanagan.

00:44:02.723 --> 00:44:04.433 align:center
And she cast me in this show Fisk.

00:44:04.516 --> 00:44:06.894 align:center
Overnight, the demographic changed.

00:44:06.977 --> 00:44:09.480 align:center
Women, 45 to 54.

00:44:11.940 --> 00:44:13.400 align:center
What a beautiful sound.

00:44:13.484 --> 00:44:15.152 align:center
This is…

00:44:15.235 --> 00:44:18.739 align:center
Overnight, these angels
descended into my shows.

00:44:19.239 --> 00:44:21.575 align:center
These beautiful white angels.

00:44:21.659 --> 00:44:22.785 align:center
Uh…

00:44:24.453 --> 00:44:27.081 align:center
They love coming to the shows. They, um…

00:44:27.164 --> 00:44:29.416 align:center
But that's why I had to leave Australia.

00:44:29.500 --> 00:44:32.336 align:center
I had to get away from all these mamas.

00:44:32.419 --> 00:44:35.047 align:center
All right, that's my time.
Thank you very much, New York!
phics,