WEBVTT

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[lorry reversing]

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♪ I'm not afraid to die today ♪

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♪ I could've chose somebody else to love ♪

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♪ Give me the gun ♪

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♪ I'll take the blame ♪

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♪ And cover up
Your darker shade of blood ♪

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♪ I'll feel the rain ♪

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♪ And turn the pain into coal ♪

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[keys jingling]

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Hello?

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[door creaks]

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[woman speaking Hindi on TV]

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Mummy? Baba?

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Q?

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[suspenseful music playing]

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Fuck!

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[woman] Why not? I'm his partner.
You can tell me if he's here or not.

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You can't keep him.

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You can't keep him unless you charge him.
Have you charged him?

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[female officer] Listen,
like I said to you before--

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I need to know if he's here.
I've been sat there for over an hour now.

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[female officer] Listen,
someone is going to come

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and talk to you in a minute.
So you need to go take a seat--

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[woman] Okay. I'll give you ten minutes
and then I'm taking your name and number.

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[Shah] Hi. I'd like to--

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[tapping keyboard]

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Yeah, I'd like to report a missing family.

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Whole family's gone missing, have they?

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Yes. I think they've been kidnapped
by terrorists.

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But domestic ones.

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[whispers] The white ones.

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-[Shah] Q-U-R-R...
-[officer] Q-U-R...

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[Shah] Erm, A-T.

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Hyphen. U-L. Hyphen. A-I-N.

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-[officer] Two hyphens, okay.
-Yeah. That's what she goes by, Q.

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[officer clears throat] Okay,
I wanna go back to the, erm,

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-the "bust-up"...
-[Shah] Mmm-hmm.

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...that you said you had with your family.

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Well, that's not really that relevant.

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What, erm, 'cause what I'm saying is,
if you just hack into this,

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this was set up in the living room,
so whatever has taken place

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will definitely have been
recorded on this.

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-[officer] Yeah, so...
-So if we can just get into that--

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So that's a very different
kind of investigation.

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-It's a much longer process.
-Yeah, cybercrime, really.

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And this falls under missing persons.

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So, all we're trying to do
is just help you find--

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Why didn't you report the pig's head
when you first got it?

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Sorry, Rog,
just that detail stuck with me,

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-d'you know what I mean?
-Yeah, yeah, of course.

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That was... That's different.

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I'm reporting this crime now--

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Alleged crime.

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I'm sorry, maybe I'm being
a bit paranoid here.

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Am I like a suspect
or something like that in this case?

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Easy now. You know, no one said
anything about a suspect.

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[officer 2]
We just need to ask questions, sir,

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in order to conduct
a proper investigation.

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So that's why I'm asking,
why didn't you report the pig's head?

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I thought I could handle it myself
with my private security consultant.

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You got a security consultant?

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'Cause I'm an actor and I'm in the news.

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Sorry, you're in the-- You're in the news?

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Yeah. I might be the next James Bond.

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[Rogers snickers]

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Wait, wait, wait, wait.

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So you're saying that you're actually,
like, a famous actor?

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I didn't say famous, no. I just said--
Well, actually, yes.

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My Bond callback
is later on this afternoon.

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But I can't be there if I'm here
and I'm here because my--

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Right, so I'm just making sure.
We've got private security detail,

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auditioning to be the next...

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-[Shah] James Bond.
-James Bond.

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-James Bond.
-007.

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And got sent the severed pig's head
by racist trolls.

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I did. Because they don't want me to be
the next James Bond.

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Right, which is why these people
have also abducted your family?

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That's my current working theory, yeah.

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[the pig head] You sound
completely fucking mental.

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[officer 2] Okay, mate.

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Erm, give us a few minutes,
and we'll be right back.

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All right.

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-[Rogers clears throat]
-[door opens]

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[door closes]

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You've got to be kidding me!

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[the pig head] What in the shitting hell
are you doing, man?

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[Shah shushes]
If you keep your mouth shut,

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then maybe I can focus.

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[the pig head] Focus on this,
you sentient ballbag.

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You should be at home
preparing for the audition.

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-Shut up!
-[the pig head] Ouch!

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And you most certainly should not be here.

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You're not the hero of this story.

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To them, you're the villain.

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-Trust me.
-They're gonna google me.

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And when they do,
they're gonna see all the Bond chat

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and they're gonna see
that I'm telling the truth.

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[the pig head] And then
they can tell the papers

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how you showed up here
with a severed pig's head.

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Think, you turgid gimp.

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Think!

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[drum roll music playing]

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Fuck!

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[indistinct conversation]

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[horns honking]

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-[Shah] Sorry!
-[woman] Watch where you're going!

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[the pig head] Be cool, man.
Police are gonna be watching.

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No, they're not.
I'm just looking for my family.

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-That's not a crime, is it?
-[the pig head] Hey! Calm the fuck down.

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-I saved you back there.
-All right. Okay, I'm sorry.

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-And thank you.
-[the pig head] That's more like it.

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All you've got to do is walk normally.

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Very weird walk, man.

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [exhales]

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-[the pig head] Be normal.
-None of this is normal!

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[frantic music playing]

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[the pig head] Ouch!

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Oh, whoopsie-daisy.

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[the pig head] Gently, cock fingers.

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Okay, lock the doors.

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Close the curtains.

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Let's run lines.
Audition's in eight hours.

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Wait! Wait, where are you going?

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[Shah] I need to find the right USB.

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[the pig head] The only camera
that matters is at the screen test.

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Shah, time's running out!

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Say the words with me!

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[clears throat]

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Do you want to know
what it's like doing the dirty work?

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Fighting everyone and being no one.

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I don't live with myself.

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-I live--
-[Shah] Come on, come on!

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[the pig head] Hello?

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I'm giving you gold here.

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Fucking yes! That's right, motherfucker.

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-[opens bag]
-Urgh!

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[the pig head] This is all a distraction.

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Classic self-sabotage.

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[Shah] Oh, shit. Come on.

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[keyboard clacking]

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-[access denied beep]
-Fuck.

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[the pig head] You're not afraid
for your family.

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-You're afraid of success.
-[access denied beep]

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Even if they have been kidnapped,
you're no superhero spy.

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Becoming one should be our focus.

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[access denied beep]

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Why don't you try helping for a change?

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[the pig head] I am helping!

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The only version of you that has any value
to your family or anyone else is Bond.

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Shut the fuck up!

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[the pig head] Oh, God,
Zulfi's as basic as they come.

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-Try his birthday, obviously.
-Oh!

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[scoffs]

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-[access denied beep]
-Oh, fuck!

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[the pig head]
You don't even know his birthday?

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Some brother you are.
Okay, are we done now?

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Can we get back to work?

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The security consultant?

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[Shah] Oh, yeah...

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[the pig head] If you were this obsessive
about your craft, you'd have a career.

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[siren wailing distantly]

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[suspenseful music playing]

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[vehicles passing]

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[train station announcement]
This is a security message.

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If you see something
that doesn't look right,

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speak to staff
or text British Transport Police on 61016.

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[the pig head] This is a waste of time.

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-Oh, shit!
-[the pig head] What?

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[Shah] Er, we've got a problem.
We've got dogs.

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[the pig head] Oh, dear.
I'm dry-aged, you realise.

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Turn around now.

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[Shah] I can't turn around.
They've spotted us. It'll be suspicious.

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[the pig head] You're a sweaty brown man
with a blood-stained duffel bag.

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You're already fucking suspicious.

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Let's just chill out, okay?
Just have some faith.

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-I'm an actor, aren't I?
-[the pig head] Oh, God.

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[dog barks]

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Excuse me, sir.

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I'm not doing anything.

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I'm not even here to catch a train.

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[the pig head] Oh, God...

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-[dog barking]
-[the pig head] No! No! Get back!

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-Do you mind if we take a look in the bag?
-Sorry?

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[the pig head] Down, boy!

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-What's in the bag, sir?
-[the pig head] Stop, you fucker!

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-[K-9 officer] Sir?
-That won't be necessary.

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[speaking indistinctly]

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Yep.

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-If you say so.
-Good man.

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[K-9 officer] Have a good day.

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How'd you do that?

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Well, I've still got a few tricks
up my sleeve

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when it comes to law enforcement.

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-Must be nice to be tall and white, huh?
-[laughing]

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The membership has its privileges.
Shall we?

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-It's a complete fucking mess.
-Mm.

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-I tried to go to the police.
-Well, there's your first mistake there.

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Come on, man.
We're gonna find your family, all right?

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-Okay. Okay.
-Yeah?

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Yeah, it feels good to hear you say that.
'Cause nobody believes me.

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[the pig head] I like him.
He makes me feel safe.

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Gonna put a call out on something
called the Kilner System, all right?

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Now, luckily,
Wembley is CCTV'd to the hilt.

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So if your family have been
on any street actually in London

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in the last eight hours,

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I will be able to track
their exact location down to the inch.

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And as soon as I get a ping,
you'll be the first to know, all right?

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-Really?
-Yeah, man. All good.

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That's fucking amazing. Thank you.

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I didn't realise your, erm,
your company had that kind of reach.

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My company has the biggest reach there is.

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All right? Don't worry-- Look, listen.
Here's the thing, right?

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Your family, that's today's problem, yeah?
What about tomorrow's problem?

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Now, do you want to be reactive,
or do you want to be proactive?

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-I wanna be proactive.
-Of course you fucking do.

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You are on the precipice
of something massive,

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and all that backlash
that you've been experiencing recently,

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it will only get worse.
Trust me, I know.

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I've fucked the audition,

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and my prospects have
gone down the toilet, so...

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Listen, I wouldn't be here
talking to you now if that was the case.

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Would I?

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So you've got your recall later, correct?

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-Yeah.
-Yeah...

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So you're gonna go in there,
you're gonna do your audition,

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and when you do,

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those "decision makers"
will be primed in your favour.

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-What, I'm--
-Do you understand?

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Well, how, how...

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How are you gonna do that?

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Are you MI5?

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It's okay.

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Holy fuck. Okay.

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It's not a big deal.

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It's not a big deal. Okay, listen to me.

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I'm the only call
you'll ever need to make.

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We've got your back.

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What?

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-There's a catch, isn't there?
-No...

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I mean, look, every relationship's
a two-way street, isn't it? So...

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Basically, what we're trying to do is,
we just wanna build bridges...

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er, to your community.

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And in order to do that,
we rely on individuals, such as yourself,

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just to help us with, erm, messaging.

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You know, as a prominent Muslim,
and soon to be more so,

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your voice,
it carries a lot of weight, Shah.

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So let's use it. Yeah?

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Right.

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[the pig head] Shah, let's sidebar. Now!

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Just remember we're the good guys. Yeah?

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Don't forget that.

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[the pig head] Shah!

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Obviously. I just need the toilet.
I'm gonna be right back.

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-All right, mate, yeah.
-Don't go anywhere. Thank you.

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I'll be here.

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So? I mean, that sounds shady as shit. No?

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[the pig head] Shah, I was wrong.

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Going to Nigel was a masterstroke,
albeit an accidental one.

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What are you talking about?
He wants me to be a snitch!

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[the pig head] Snitch? He's not asking you
to honey trap an ayatollah, is he?

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He's offering you the role of a lifetime
in exchange for some light PR work.

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-I'm not a sell-out fed, sorry.
-Sell-out?

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Well, pardon me, Nelson pissing Mandela.

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You want to star in a franchise
that brazenly sells watches,

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cars and the British Secret Service.

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This is the only way
you will land this role.

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I guess I just always thought
I was someone who represents...

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us to them.
You know, not fucking them to us.

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[the pig head] You're not representing
them or us.

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This is about you, Shah,
and who you want to be.

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And put simply, do you want to be
talking to a pig's head in a toilet,

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panicking about your career
and your family,

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or do you want to be the hero
of this story? The ultimate shitting hero.

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Because that, my friend,
is what is on the table.

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[the pig head] Shah?

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Shah, what the hell are you doing, man?

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Hello?

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I'm improvising.

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[the pig head] Oh, God. Actors!

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[shushes]

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Fuck off.

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[intense music playing]

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Fuck.

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Move!

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Watch out!

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[inaudible]

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[the pig head] Okay, okay.

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What in Satan's gusset did you just do?

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We were this close.

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Answer me!

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-Hello?
-[the pig head] Oh, God, more improv.

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No one's watching,
you malodorous piss-flap.

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What's your problem, man?

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My problem is that I care about you, Shah.
I want to make you better.

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No, 'cause you say
that you're trying to help me,

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but all you do is shit on me!

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[the pig head] It's tough love,
and it's the only voice you understand.

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If I humiliate you, it's to save you

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from the bigger humiliation
of remaining as you are!

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You wanna chill out.

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I'm in control now.

16:47.208 --> 16:48.666
And I know where we're going.

16:50.625 --> 16:53.958
[the pig head] No, no, no!
Please don't fake hang up on me.

16:55.333 --> 16:56.458
You need me.

17:21.708 --> 17:24.541
[the pig head] Fine,
I'm willing to try things your way.

17:24.625 --> 17:29.333
But if we want to be Bond,
why are we at Taliban HQ?

17:29.416 --> 17:32.583
These savage little Ewoks
only hold us back.

17:35.291 --> 17:37.000
Don't leave me out here!

17:39.375 --> 17:41.750
[soft music playing]

17:56.625 --> 17:58.833
[indistinct prayers]

18:02.125 --> 18:03.625
[Shah] Excuse me. Sorry.

18:04.375 --> 18:07.083
Excuse me? Assalamu-Alaikum.
Uncle? Can I have a word, please?

18:07.166 --> 18:09.291
Why are you calling me uncle?
We're the same age.

18:09.375 --> 18:11.333
Are we? I mean, I'm sorry.

18:11.416 --> 18:13.666
I'm actually here to look for someone.

18:13.750 --> 18:17.250
Someone who's gone missing. My brother.
Zulfi? I think you know him.

18:17.333 --> 18:20.500
He's the big guy who does the cabs.
Have you, have you seen him?

18:20.583 --> 18:22.625
Salaams, we're just about
to start prayer.

18:22.708 --> 18:24.166
Come and join us,
and then afterwards, we can talk.

18:24.250 --> 18:26.625
[Shah] Okay.
It's just a bit of an emergency.

18:26.708 --> 18:28.750
Excuse me. Assalamu-Alaikum, everyone.

18:28.833 --> 18:30.541
My family has gone missing.

18:30.625 --> 18:34.625
Erm, my parents,
Parvez Latif and my mother, Tahira Latif.

18:34.708 --> 18:37.583
My siblings Zulfi and Q-urrat-ul-ain?

18:38.541 --> 18:41.916
I think some of you know them.
I was just wondering if, er...

18:43.166 --> 18:44.333
if you might have heard anything.

18:44.416 --> 18:46.208
I was just hoping someone
might be able to help.

18:46.291 --> 18:47.333
[man] Pig!

18:48.166 --> 18:51.875
Pig's head! Pig! Pig's head!
[speaking other language]

18:52.666 --> 18:54.666
[in English] Someone's left a pig's head
at the front gate.

18:54.750 --> 18:55.916
[all gasp]

18:57.375 --> 19:00.375
You're probably
best to leave that... alone. It's...

19:04.375 --> 19:05.708
Well, it's...

19:05.791 --> 19:07.083
He's with me.

19:07.166 --> 19:09.000
It's... It's mine!

19:09.083 --> 19:10.708
It's mine. [chuckles]

19:10.791 --> 19:12.875
[congregation shouting]

19:15.458 --> 19:17.083
[man] Get out of here! Move!

19:19.000 --> 19:20.958
[the pig head] Go the other way!

19:21.041 --> 19:22.541
[shouting continues]

19:22.625 --> 19:24.375
[the pig head] Quick, down here!

19:30.458 --> 19:31.458
[Shah panting]

19:43.708 --> 19:44.708
[skinhead] Oi!

19:46.083 --> 19:47.083
Get him!

19:48.083 --> 19:49.208
Get the Paki!

19:49.291 --> 19:52.250
[the pig head] Shit!
Look what you've done, Shah.

19:58.125 --> 20:00.000
You owe me an apology, mate!

20:00.625 --> 20:02.541
Under 90 seconds for the algorithm, yeah?

20:04.750 --> 20:08.041
[the pig head] I told you,
your failures would catch up to you.

20:08.125 --> 20:11.625
-IDF bastard!
-Who recruited you? Mossad?

20:11.708 --> 20:13.666
-IDF!
-100% Mossad.

20:13.750 --> 20:15.250
[the pig head] I told you.

20:15.333 --> 20:16.416
[woman] He's not Dev Patel.

20:16.500 --> 20:18.458
He's much too short.

20:19.333 --> 20:21.458
[the pig head]
You can't handle them alone.

20:22.375 --> 20:24.916
I told you that you need to be...

20:29.250 --> 20:30.250
Him.

20:52.166 --> 20:53.541
[intense music playing]

20:57.333 --> 20:58.416
[grunting]

21:13.708 --> 21:14.708
[grunting]

21:17.125 --> 21:19.000
[screaming]

21:20.583 --> 21:22.333
[grunting]

21:32.125 --> 21:33.666
[woman groans]

21:37.208 --> 21:38.208
[the pig head] Yes.

21:39.291 --> 21:43.458
Yes, the strong must replace the weak.

21:48.916 --> 21:51.041
Your turn now, Shah.

21:51.125 --> 21:53.083
[intense music playing]

22:02.041 --> 22:03.041
[honks honking]

22:14.875 --> 22:17.291
[the pig head] This is the only way.

22:17.375 --> 22:19.708
Can't you see? Surrender!

22:20.958 --> 22:22.375
Surrender!

22:37.708 --> 22:38.750
-[tyres screech]
-[Shah grunts]

22:51.916 --> 22:52.916
[groans]

22:55.458 --> 22:56.958
[woman] Oh, my God, are you okay?

22:57.041 --> 22:58.041
[groans]

23:05.500 --> 23:08.083
No... No...

23:13.000 --> 23:15.375
No... No...

23:18.750 --> 23:20.791
[the pig head] How bad is it?

23:20.875 --> 23:22.250
No, no, no. It's not bad. It's not bad.

23:22.333 --> 23:25.208
-It's not too bad.
-I feel like it's pretty bad.

23:25.291 --> 23:27.083
It feels like I'm missing an eye.

23:27.166 --> 23:28.583
Am I missing an eye?

23:28.666 --> 23:32.000
You're gonna be okay, all right?
You're gonna be okay.

23:32.083 --> 23:35.666
[the pig head] Oh, it's cold.
It's so cold.

23:35.750 --> 23:37.541
I don't want to die.

23:37.625 --> 23:39.666
[Shah] Stay! I can't do this without you.

23:39.750 --> 23:42.958
[the pig head] I know. You really can't.

23:43.041 --> 23:45.708
That other guy, though,

23:45.791 --> 23:49.750
the one chasing you, he had potential.

23:49.833 --> 23:53.041
Why? Why did you resist?

23:53.750 --> 23:54.791
[Shah] You tell me.

23:54.875 --> 23:58.208
You're the only one who gets it.
You're the only one who gets me.

23:58.708 --> 24:00.041
That's why I need you.

24:01.500 --> 24:02.625
But I don't even know...

24:04.291 --> 24:05.375
who you were.

24:05.458 --> 24:09.000
[the pig head]
I was who you needed me to be,

24:09.083 --> 24:12.208
hidden inside the voice
of Patrick Stewart.

24:12.916 --> 24:14.375
Which is weird.

24:14.458 --> 24:15.791
[laughs]

24:16.333 --> 24:19.291
[the pig head]
You might want to unpack that.

24:19.375 --> 24:20.416
[chuckles]

24:20.500 --> 24:22.041
[Shah] No, no, no. Don't go.

24:22.125 --> 24:25.125
No-- We're a team, okay?

24:25.750 --> 24:28.291
[the pig head] Good luck without me.

24:30.833 --> 24:32.000
[weakly] Dickhead.

24:33.500 --> 24:34.500
Hey...

24:36.083 --> 24:37.083
Hey.

24:39.083 --> 24:40.083
Hey!

24:42.125 --> 24:45.166
[sombre music playing]

24:51.125 --> 24:57.041
♪ And that's just the price of it all ♪

25:03.208 --> 25:07.875
♪ That's just the price of it all ♪

25:16.541 --> 25:19.500
♪ It's written on these walls ♪

25:19.583 --> 25:22.458
♪ Through the rise and fall ♪

25:22.541 --> 25:28.500
♪ I know I can't pretend
That this will never end ♪

25:28.583 --> 25:32.875
♪ If in the end we die
Then our loss... ♪

25:32.958 --> 25:38.916
♪ Well, that's just the price of it all ♪