WEBVTT

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[lorry reversing]

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♪ I'm not afraid to die today ♪

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♪ I could've chose somebody else to love ♪

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♪ Give me the gun ♪

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♪ I'll take the blame ♪

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♪ And cover up
Your darker shade of blood ♪

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♪ I'll feel the rain ♪

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♪ And turn the pain into coal ♪

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[keys jingling]

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Hello?

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[door creaks]

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[woman speaking Hindi on TV]

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Mummy? Baba?

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Q?

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[suspenseful music playing]

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Fuck!

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[woman] Why not? I'm his partner.
You can tell me if he's here or not.

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You can't keep him.

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You can't keep him unless you charge him.
Have you charged him?

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[female officer] Listen,
like I said to you before--

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I need to know if he's here.
I've been sat there for over an hour now.

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[female officer] Listen,
someone is going to come

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and talk to you in a minute.
So you need to go take a seat--

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[woman] Okay. I'll give you ten minutes
and then I'm taking your name and number.

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[Shah] Hi. I'd like to--

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[tapping keyboard]

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Yeah, I'd like to report a missing family.

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Whole family's gone missing, have they?

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Yes. I think they've been kidnapped
by terrorists.

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But domestic ones.

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[whispers] The white ones.

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-[Shah] Q-U-R-R...
-[officer] Q-U-R...

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[Shah] Erm, A-T.

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Hyphen. U-L. Hyphen. A-I-N.

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-[officer] Two hyphens, okay.
-Yeah. That's what she goes by, Q.

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[officer clears throat] Okay,
I wanna go back to the, erm,

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-the "bust-up"...
-[Shah] Mmm-hmm.

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...that you said you had with your family.

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Well, that's not really that relevant.

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What, erm, 'cause what I'm saying is,
if you just hack into this,

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this was set up in the living room,
so whatever has taken place

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will definitely have been
recorded on this.

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-[officer] Yeah, so...
-So if we can just get into that--

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So that's a very different
kind of investigation.

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-It's a much longer process.
-Yeah, cybercrime, really.

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And this falls under missing persons.

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So, all we're trying to do
is just help you find--

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Why didn't you report the pig's head
when you first got it?

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Sorry, Rog,
just that detail stuck with me,

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-d'you know what I mean?
-Yeah, yeah, of course.

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That was... That's different.

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I'm reporting this crime now--

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Alleged crime.

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I'm sorry, maybe I'm being
a bit paranoid here.

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Am I like a suspect
or something like that in this case?

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Easy now. You know, no one said
anything about a suspect.

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[officer 2]
We just need to ask questions, sir,

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in order to conduct
a proper investigation.

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So that's why I'm asking,
why didn't you report the pig's head?

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I thought I could handle it myself
with my private security consultant.

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You got a security consultant?

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'Cause I'm an actor and I'm in the news.

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Sorry, you're in the-- You're in the news?

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Yeah. I might be the next James Bond.

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[Rogers snickers]

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Wait, wait, wait, wait.

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So you're saying that you're actually,
like, a famous actor?

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I didn't say famous, no. I just said--
Well, actually, yes.

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My Bond callback
is later on this afternoon.

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But I can't be there if I'm here
and I'm here because my--

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Right, so I'm just making sure.
We've got private security detail,

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auditioning to be the next...

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-[Shah] James Bond.
-James Bond.

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-James Bond.
-007.

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And got sent the severed pig's head
by racist trolls.

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I did. Because they don't want me to be
the next James Bond.

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Right, which is why these people
have also abducted your family?

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That's my current working theory, yeah.

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[the pig head] You sound
completely fucking mental.

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[officer 2] Okay, mate.

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Erm, give us a few minutes,
and we'll be right back.

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All right.

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-[Rogers clears throat]
-[door opens]

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[door closes]

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You've got to be kidding me!

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[the pig head] What in the shitting hell
are you doing, man?

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[Shah shushes]
If you keep your mouth shut,

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then maybe I can focus.

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[the pig head] Focus on this,
you sentient ballbag.

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You should be at home
preparing for the audition.

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-Shut up!
-[the pig head] Ouch!

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And you most certainly should not be here.

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You're not the hero of this story.

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To them, you're the villain.

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-Trust me.
-They're gonna google me.

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And when they do,
they're gonna see all the Bond chat

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and they're gonna see
that I'm telling the truth.

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[the pig head] And then
they can tell the papers

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how you showed up here
with a severed pig's head.

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Think, you turgid gimp.

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Think!

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[drum roll music playing]

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Fuck!

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[indistinct conversation]

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[horns honking]

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-[Shah] Sorry!
-[woman] Watch where you're going!

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[the pig head] Be cool, man.
Police are gonna be watching.

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No, they're not.
I'm just looking for my family.

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-That's not a crime, is it?
-[the pig head] Hey! Calm the fuck down.

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-I saved you back there.
-All right. Okay, I'm sorry.

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-And thank you.
-[the pig head] That's more like it.

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All you've got to do is walk normally.

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Very weird walk, man.

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [exhales]

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-[the pig head] Be normal.
-None of this is normal!

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[frantic music playing]

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[the pig head] Ouch!

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Oh, whoopsie-daisy.

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[the pig head] Gently, cock fingers.

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Okay, lock the doors.

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Close the curtains.

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Let's run lines.
Audition's in eight hours.

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Wait! Wait, where are you going?

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[Shah] I need to find the right USB.

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[the pig head] The only camera
that matters is at the screen test.

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Shah, time's running out!

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Say the words with me!

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[clears throat]

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Do you want to know
what it's like doing the dirty work?

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Fighting everyone and being no one.

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I don't live with myself.

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-I live--
-[Shah] Come on, come on!

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[the pig head] Hello?

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I'm giving you gold here.

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Fucking yes! That's right, motherfucker.

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-[opens bag]
-Urgh!

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[the pig head] This is all a distraction.

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Classic self-sabotage.

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[Shah] Oh, shit. Come on.

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[keyboard clacking]

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-[access denied beep]
-Fuck.

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[the pig head] You're not afraid
for your family.

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-You're afraid of success.
-[access denied beep]

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Even if they have been kidnapped,
you're no superhero spy.

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Becoming one should be our focus.

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[access denied beep]

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Why don't you try helping for a change?

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[the pig head] I am helping!

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The only version of you that has any value
to your family or anyone else is Bond.

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Shut the fuck up!

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[the pig head] Oh, God,
Zulfi's as basic as they come.

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-Try his birthday, obviously.
-Oh!

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[scoffs]

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-[access denied beep]
-Oh, fuck!

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[the pig head]
You don't even know his birthday?

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Some brother you are.
Okay, are we done now?

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Can we get back to work?

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The security consultant?

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[Shah] Oh, yeah...

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[the pig head] If you were this obsessive
about your craft, you'd have a career.

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[siren wailing distantly]

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[suspenseful music playing]

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[vehicles passing]

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[train station announcement]
This is a security message.

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If you see something
that doesn't look right,

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speak to staff
or text British Transport Police on 61016.

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[the pig head] This is a waste of time.

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-Oh, shit!
-[the pig head] What?

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[Shah] Er, we've got a problem.
We've got dogs.

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[the pig head] Oh, dear.
I'm dry-aged, you realise.

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Turn around now.

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[Shah] I can't turn around.
They've spotted us. It'll be suspicious.

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[the pig head] You're a sweaty brown man
with a blood-stained duffel bag.

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You're already fucking suspicious.

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Let's just chill out, okay?
Just have some faith.

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-I'm an actor, aren't I?
-[the pig head] Oh, God.

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[dog barks]

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Excuse me, sir.

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I'm not doing anything.

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I'm not even here to catch a train.

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[the pig head] Oh, God...

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-[dog barking]
-[the pig head] No! No! Get back!

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-Do you mind if we take a look in the bag?
-Sorry?

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[the pig head] Down, boy!

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-What's in the bag, sir?
-[the pig head] Stop, you fucker!

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-[K-9 officer] Sir?
-That won't be necessary.

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[speaking indistinctly]

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Yep.

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-If you say so.
-Good man.

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[K-9 officer] Have a good day.

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How'd you do that?

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Well, I've still got a few tricks
up my sleeve

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when it comes to law enforcement.

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-Must be nice to be tall and white, huh?
-[laughing]

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The membership has its privileges.
Shall we?

00:10:40.625 --> 00:10:42.541 align:center
-It's a complete fucking mess.
-Mm.

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-I tried to go to the police.
-Well, there's your first mistake there.

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Come on, man.
We're gonna find your family, all right?

00:10:47.791 --> 00:10:48.791 align:center
-Okay. Okay.
-Yeah?

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Yeah, it feels good to hear you say that.
'Cause nobody believes me.

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[the pig head] I like him.
He makes me feel safe.

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Gonna put a call out on something
called the Kilner System, all right?

00:10:57.375 --> 00:11:00.291 align:center
Now, luckily,
Wembley is CCTV'd to the hilt.

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So if your family have been
on any street actually in London

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in the last eight hours,

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I will be able to track
their exact location down to the inch.

00:11:07.666 --> 00:11:10.416 align:center
And as soon as I get a ping,
you'll be the first to know, all right?

00:11:10.500 --> 00:11:13.041 align:center
-Really?
-Yeah, man. All good.

00:11:13.125 --> 00:11:15.083 align:center
That's fucking amazing. Thank you.

00:11:15.166 --> 00:11:18.250 align:center
I didn't realise your, erm,
your company had that kind of reach.

00:11:18.333 --> 00:11:20.750 align:center
My company has the biggest reach there is.

00:11:20.833 --> 00:11:22.625 align:center
All right? Don't worry-- Look, listen.
Here's the thing, right?

00:11:22.708 --> 00:11:26.125 align:center
Your family, that's today's problem, yeah?
What about tomorrow's problem?

00:11:26.208 --> 00:11:30.250 align:center
Now, do you want to be reactive,
or do you want to be proactive?

00:11:30.333 --> 00:11:32.291 align:center
-I wanna be proactive.
-Of course you fucking do.

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You are on the precipice
of something massive,

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and all that backlash
that you've been experiencing recently,

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it will only get worse.
Trust me, I know.

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I've fucked the audition,

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and my prospects have
gone down the toilet, so...

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Listen, I wouldn't be here
talking to you now if that was the case.

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Would I?

00:11:51.666 --> 00:11:54.125 align:center
So you've got your recall later, correct?

00:11:55.583 --> 00:11:56.750 align:center
-Yeah.
-Yeah...

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So you're gonna go in there,
you're gonna do your audition,

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and when you do,

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those "decision makers"
will be primed in your favour.

00:12:09.375 --> 00:12:11.208 align:center
-What, I'm--
-Do you understand?

00:12:11.291 --> 00:12:12.458 align:center
Well, how, how...

00:12:13.166 --> 00:12:14.708 align:center
How are you gonna do that?

00:12:19.708 --> 00:12:20.791 align:center
Are you MI5?

00:12:23.375 --> 00:12:24.833 align:center
It's okay.

00:12:24.916 --> 00:12:26.208 align:center
Holy fuck. Okay.

00:12:26.291 --> 00:12:27.333 align:center
It's not a big deal.

00:12:27.416 --> 00:12:29.166 align:center
It's not a big deal. Okay, listen to me.

00:12:29.875 --> 00:12:32.541 align:center
I'm the only call
you'll ever need to make.

00:12:34.125 --> 00:12:35.125 align:center
We've got your back.

00:12:38.458 --> 00:12:39.666 align:center
What?

00:12:39.750 --> 00:12:41.958 align:center
-There's a catch, isn't there?
-No...

00:12:42.875 --> 00:12:47.541 align:center
I mean, look, every relationship's
a two-way street, isn't it? So...

00:12:49.083 --> 00:12:52.500 align:center
Basically, what we're trying to do is,
we just wanna build bridges...

00:12:52.583 --> 00:12:54.291 align:center
er, to your community.

00:12:54.375 --> 00:12:57.916 align:center
And in order to do that,
we rely on individuals, such as yourself,

00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:00.083 align:center
just to help us with, erm, messaging.

00:13:00.166 --> 00:13:03.750 align:center
You know, as a prominent Muslim,
and soon to be more so,

00:13:03.833 --> 00:13:06.333 align:center
your voice,
it carries a lot of weight, Shah.

00:13:06.416 --> 00:13:08.916 align:center
So let's use it. Yeah?

00:13:10.375 --> 00:13:11.791 align:center
Right.

00:13:11.875 --> 00:13:14.333 align:center
[the pig head] Shah, let's sidebar. Now!

00:13:14.416 --> 00:13:16.583 align:center
Just remember we're the good guys. Yeah?

00:13:16.666 --> 00:13:17.833 align:center
Don't forget that.

00:13:18.458 --> 00:13:19.500 align:center
[the pig head] Shah!

00:13:20.583 --> 00:13:22.666 align:center
Obviously. I just need the toilet.
I'm gonna be right back.

00:13:22.750 --> 00:13:25.000 align:center
-All right, mate, yeah.
-Don't go anywhere. Thank you.

00:13:25.083 --> 00:13:26.458 align:center
I'll be here.

00:13:29.916 --> 00:13:33.541 align:center
So? I mean, that sounds shady as shit. No?

00:13:33.625 --> 00:13:35.000 align:center
[the pig head] Shah, I was wrong.

00:13:35.083 --> 00:13:39.291 align:center
Going to Nigel was a masterstroke,
albeit an accidental one.

00:13:39.375 --> 00:13:42.458 align:center
What are you talking about?
He wants me to be a snitch!

00:13:42.541 --> 00:13:46.083 align:center
[the pig head] Snitch? He's not asking you
to honey trap an ayatollah, is he?

00:13:46.166 --> 00:13:51.666 align:center
He's offering you the role of a lifetime
in exchange for some light PR work.

00:13:51.750 --> 00:13:53.916 align:center
-I'm not a sell-out fed, sorry.
-Sell-out?

00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:57.333 align:center
Well, pardon me, Nelson pissing Mandela.

00:13:57.416 --> 00:14:01.750 align:center
You want to star in a franchise
that brazenly sells watches,

00:14:01.833 --> 00:14:05.000 align:center
cars and the British Secret Service.

00:14:05.083 --> 00:14:09.041 align:center
This is the only way
you will land this role.

00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:12.916 align:center
I guess I just always thought
I was someone who represents...

00:14:13.416 --> 00:14:17.458 align:center
us to them.
You know, not fucking them to us.

00:14:17.541 --> 00:14:20.791 align:center
[the pig head] You're not representing
them or us.

00:14:20.875 --> 00:14:24.458 align:center
This is about you, Shah,
and who you want to be.

00:14:24.541 --> 00:14:28.416 align:center
And put simply, do you want to be
talking to a pig's head in a toilet,

00:14:28.500 --> 00:14:30.708 align:center
panicking about your career
and your family,

00:14:30.791 --> 00:14:36.333 align:center
or do you want to be the hero
of this story? The ultimate shitting hero.

00:14:36.416 --> 00:14:39.541 align:center
Because that, my friend,
is what is on the table.

00:14:54.791 --> 00:14:55.791 align:center
[the pig head] Shah?

00:14:57.333 --> 00:15:00.708 align:center
Shah, what the hell are you doing, man?

00:15:02.083 --> 00:15:03.083 align:center
Hello?

00:15:03.166 --> 00:15:04.208 align:center
I'm improvising.

00:15:04.291 --> 00:15:06.583 align:center
[the pig head] Oh, God. Actors!

00:15:09.458 --> 00:15:10.666 align:center
[shushes]

00:15:15.250 --> 00:15:16.250 align:center
Fuck off.

00:15:19.916 --> 00:15:21.333 align:center
[intense music playing]

00:15:26.708 --> 00:15:27.750 align:center
Fuck.

00:15:38.083 --> 00:15:39.250 align:center
Move!

00:15:45.875 --> 00:15:46.916 align:center
Watch out!

00:15:51.375 --> 00:15:52.375 align:center
[inaudible]

00:16:07.833 --> 00:16:09.458 align:center
[the pig head] Okay, okay.

00:16:09.541 --> 00:16:12.000 align:center
What in Satan's gusset did you just do?

00:16:12.083 --> 00:16:13.791 align:center
We were this close.

00:16:15.458 --> 00:16:16.458 align:center
Answer me!

00:16:17.166 --> 00:16:20.041 align:center
-Hello?
-[the pig head] Oh, God, more improv.

00:16:20.125 --> 00:16:23.500 align:center
No one's watching,
you malodorous piss-flap.

00:16:23.583 --> 00:16:24.625 align:center
What's your problem, man?

00:16:24.708 --> 00:16:29.250 align:center
My problem is that I care about you, Shah.
I want to make you better.

00:16:29.333 --> 00:16:30.791 align:center
No, 'cause you say
that you're trying to help me,

00:16:30.875 --> 00:16:32.208 align:center
but all you do is shit on me!

00:16:32.291 --> 00:16:35.833 align:center
[the pig head] It's tough love,
and it's the only voice you understand.

00:16:35.916 --> 00:16:38.000 align:center
If I humiliate you, it's to save you

00:16:38.083 --> 00:16:42.041 align:center
from the bigger humiliation
of remaining as you are!

00:16:42.125 --> 00:16:43.250 align:center
You wanna chill out.

00:16:44.458 --> 00:16:45.500 align:center
I'm in control now.

00:16:47.208 --> 00:16:48.666 align:center
And I know where we're going.

00:16:50.625 --> 00:16:53.958 align:center
[the pig head] No, no, no!
Please don't fake hang up on me.

00:16:55.333 --> 00:16:56.458 align:center
You need me.

00:17:21.708 --> 00:17:24.541 align:center
[the pig head] Fine,
I'm willing to try things your way.

00:17:24.625 --> 00:17:29.333 align:center
But if we want to be Bond,
why are we at Taliban HQ?

00:17:29.416 --> 00:17:32.583 align:center
These savage little Ewoks
only hold us back.

00:17:35.291 --> 00:17:37.000 align:center
Don't leave me out here!

00:17:39.375 --> 00:17:41.750 align:center
[soft music playing]

00:17:56.625 --> 00:17:58.833 align:center
[indistinct prayers]

00:18:02.125 --> 00:18:03.625 align:center
[Shah] Excuse me. Sorry.

00:18:04.375 --> 00:18:07.083 align:center
Excuse me? Assalamu-Alaikum.
Uncle? Can I have a word, please?

00:18:07.166 --> 00:18:09.291 align:center
Why are you calling me uncle?
We're the same age.

00:18:09.375 --> 00:18:11.333 align:center
Are we? I mean, I'm sorry.

00:18:11.416 --> 00:18:13.666 align:center
I'm actually here to look for someone.

00:18:13.750 --> 00:18:17.250 align:center
Someone who's gone missing. My brother.
Zulfi? I think you know him.

00:18:17.333 --> 00:18:20.500 align:center
He's the big guy who does the cabs.
Have you, have you seen him?

00:18:20.583 --> 00:18:22.625 align:center
Salaams, we're just about
to start prayer.

00:18:22.708 --> 00:18:24.166 align:center
Come and join us,
and then afterwards, we can talk.

00:18:24.250 --> 00:18:26.625 align:center
[Shah] Okay.
It's just a bit of an emergency.

00:18:26.708 --> 00:18:28.750 align:center
Excuse me. Assalamu-Alaikum, everyone.

00:18:28.833 --> 00:18:30.541 align:center
My family has gone missing.

00:18:30.625 --> 00:18:34.625 align:center
Erm, my parents,
Parvez Latif and my mother, Tahira Latif.

00:18:34.708 --> 00:18:37.583 align:center
My siblings Zulfi and Q-urrat-ul-ain?

00:18:38.541 --> 00:18:41.916 align:center
I think some of you know them.
I was just wondering if, er...

00:18:43.166 --> 00:18:44.333 align:center
if you might have heard anything.

00:18:44.416 --> 00:18:46.208 align:center
I was just hoping someone
might be able to help.

00:18:46.291 --> 00:18:47.333 align:center
[man] Pig!

00:18:48.166 --> 00:18:51.875 align:center
Pig's head! Pig! Pig's head!
[speaking other language]

00:18:52.666 --> 00:18:54.666 align:center
[in English] Someone's left a pig's head
at the front gate.

00:18:54.750 --> 00:18:55.916 align:center
[all gasp]

00:18:57.375 --> 00:19:00.375 align:center
You're probably
best to leave that... alone. It's...

00:19:04.375 --> 00:19:05.708 align:center
Well, it's...

00:19:05.791 --> 00:19:07.083 align:center
He's with me.

00:19:07.166 --> 00:19:09.000 align:center
It's... It's mine!

00:19:09.083 --> 00:19:10.708 align:center
It's mine. [chuckles]

00:19:10.791 --> 00:19:12.875 align:center
[congregation shouting]

00:19:15.458 --> 00:19:17.083 align:center
[man] Get out of here! Move!

00:19:19.000 --> 00:19:20.958 align:center
[the pig head] Go the other way!

00:19:21.041 --> 00:19:22.541 align:center
[shouting continues]

00:19:22.625 --> 00:19:24.375 align:center
[the pig head] Quick, down here!

00:19:30.458 --> 00:19:31.458 align:center
[Shah panting]

00:19:43.708 --> 00:19:44.708 align:center
[skinhead] Oi!

00:19:46.083 --> 00:19:47.083 align:center
Get him!

00:19:48.083 --> 00:19:49.208 align:center
Get the Paki!

00:19:49.291 --> 00:19:52.250 align:center
[the pig head] Shit!
Look what you've done, Shah.

00:19:58.125 --> 00:20:00.000 align:center
You owe me an apology, mate!

00:20:00.625 --> 00:20:02.541 align:center
Under 90 seconds for the algorithm, yeah?

00:20:04.750 --> 00:20:08.041 align:center
[the pig head] I told you,
your failures would catch up to you.

00:20:08.125 --> 00:20:11.625 align:center
-IDF bastard!
-Who recruited you? Mossad?

00:20:11.708 --> 00:20:13.666 align:center
-IDF!
-100% Mossad.

00:20:13.750 --> 00:20:15.250 align:center
[the pig head] I told you.

00:20:15.333 --> 00:20:16.416 align:center
[woman] He's not Dev Patel.

00:20:16.500 --> 00:20:18.458 align:center
He's much too short.

00:20:19.333 --> 00:20:21.458 align:center
[the pig head]
You can't handle them alone.

00:20:22.375 --> 00:20:24.916 align:center
I told you that you need to be...

00:20:29.250 --> 00:20:30.250 align:center
Him.

00:20:52.166 --> 00:20:53.541 align:center
[intense music playing]

00:20:57.333 --> 00:20:58.416 align:center
[grunting]

00:21:13.708 --> 00:21:14.708 align:center
[grunting]

00:21:17.125 --> 00:21:19.000 align:center
[screaming]

00:21:20.583 --> 00:21:22.333 align:center
[grunting]

00:21:32.125 --> 00:21:33.666 align:center
[woman groans]

00:21:37.208 --> 00:21:38.208 align:center
[the pig head] Yes.

00:21:39.291 --> 00:21:43.458 align:center
Yes, the strong must replace the weak.

00:21:48.916 --> 00:21:51.041 align:center
Your turn now, Shah.

00:21:51.125 --> 00:21:53.083 align:center
[intense music playing]

00:22:02.041 --> 00:22:03.041 align:center
[honks honking]

00:22:14.875 --> 00:22:17.291 align:center
[the pig head] This is the only way.

00:22:17.375 --> 00:22:19.708 align:center
Can't you see? Surrender!

00:22:20.958 --> 00:22:22.375 align:center
Surrender!

00:22:37.708 --> 00:22:38.750 align:center
-[tyres screech]
-[Shah grunts]

00:22:51.916 --> 00:22:52.916 align:center
[groans]

00:22:55.458 --> 00:22:56.958 align:center
[woman] Oh, my God, are you okay?

00:22:57.041 --> 00:22:58.041 align:center
[groans]

00:23:05.500 --> 00:23:08.083 align:center
No... No...

00:23:13.000 --> 00:23:15.375 align:center
No... No...

00:23:18.750 --> 00:23:20.791 align:center
[the pig head] How bad is it?

00:23:20.875 --> 00:23:22.250 align:center
No, no, no. It's not bad. It's not bad.

00:23:22.333 --> 00:23:25.208 align:center
-It's not too bad.
-I feel like it's pretty bad.

00:23:25.291 --> 00:23:27.083 align:center
It feels like I'm missing an eye.

00:23:27.166 --> 00:23:28.583 align:center
Am I missing an eye?

00:23:28.666 --> 00:23:32.000 align:center
You're gonna be okay, all right?
You're gonna be okay.

00:23:32.083 --> 00:23:35.666 align:center
[the pig head] Oh, it's cold.
It's so cold.

00:23:35.750 --> 00:23:37.541 align:center
I don't want to die.

00:23:37.625 --> 00:23:39.666 align:center
[Shah] Stay! I can't do this without you.

00:23:39.750 --> 00:23:42.958 align:center
[the pig head] I know. You really can't.

00:23:43.041 --> 00:23:45.708 align:center
That other guy, though,

00:23:45.791 --> 00:23:49.750 align:center
the one chasing you, he had potential.

00:23:49.833 --> 00:23:53.041 align:center
Why? Why did you resist?

00:23:53.750 --> 00:23:54.791 align:center
[Shah] You tell me.

00:23:54.875 --> 00:23:58.208 align:center
You're the only one who gets it.
You're the only one who gets me.

00:23:58.708 --> 00:24:00.041 align:center
That's why I need you.

00:24:01.500 --> 00:24:02.625 align:center
But I don't even know...

00:24:04.291 --> 00:24:05.375 align:center
who you were.

00:24:05.458 --> 00:24:09.000 align:center
[the pig head]
I was who you needed me to be,

00:24:09.083 --> 00:24:12.208 align:center
hidden inside the voice
of Patrick Stewart.

00:24:12.916 --> 00:24:14.375 align:center
Which is weird.

00:24:14.458 --> 00:24:15.791 align:center
[laughs]

00:24:16.333 --> 00:24:19.291 align:center
[the pig head]
You might want to unpack that.

00:24:19.375 --> 00:24:20.416 align:center
[chuckles]

00:24:20.500 --> 00:24:22.041 align:center
[Shah] No, no, no. Don't go.

00:24:22.125 --> 00:24:25.125 align:center
No-- We're a team, okay?

00:24:25.750 --> 00:24:28.291 align:center
[the pig head] Good luck without me.

00:24:30.833 --> 00:24:32.000 align:center
[weakly] Dickhead.

00:24:33.500 --> 00:24:34.500 align:center
Hey...

00:24:36.083 --> 00:24:37.083 align:center
Hey.

00:24:39.083 --> 00:24:40.083 align:center
Hey!

00:24:42.125 --> 00:24:45.166 align:center
[sombre music playing]

00:24:51.125 --> 00:24:57.041 align:center
♪ And that's just the price of it all ♪

00:25:03.208 --> 00:25:07.875 align:center
♪ That's just the price of it all ♪

00:25:16.541 --> 00:25:19.500 align:center
♪ It's written on these walls ♪

00:25:19.583 --> 00:25:22.458 align:center
♪ Through the rise and fall ♪

00:25:22.541 --> 00:25:28.500 align:center
♪ I know I can't pretend
That this will never end ♪

00:25:28.583 --> 00:25:32.875 align:center
♪ If in the end we die
Then our loss... ♪

00:25:32.958 --> 00:25:38.916 align:center
♪ Well, that's just the price of it all ♪

