WEBVTT 00:12.520 --> 00:15.600 Please welcome to the stage, Sarah Millican! 00:25.840 --> 00:26.799 Aah! 00:28.279 --> 00:30.080 Thank you so much! 00:30.160 --> 00:31.680 So lovely! 00:31.760 --> 00:33.839 Aah! 00:33.920 --> 00:35.720 Thank you so much! That's so lovely. 00:35.800 --> 00:36.879 How are you? Are you well? 00:36.960 --> 00:40.000 -Yes! -Give me a cheer if you're upstairs. 00:40.080 --> 00:41.960 -Whoo! -That's pretty good. 00:42.040 --> 00:44.480 -Downstairs? -Whoo! 00:44.559 --> 00:46.480 We're all here. Let's get started. 00:46.559 --> 00:48.960 Thank you so much for coming. I was standing at the side there. 00:49.040 --> 00:53.360 Do you ever get where you can smell gravy on yourself, but you can't find it? 00:54.559 --> 00:56.599 It's somewhere here. What's also alarming 00:56.680 --> 00:58.760 is I can smell a little bit of piss as well. 00:59.760 --> 01:02.720 I can only assume that's my leggings coming through my tits 01:02.800 --> 01:05.200 and quacking out the top, that's what's happening there. 01:05.280 --> 01:08.880 Apologies to the people in the front row if this is not what you're expecting. 01:08.960 --> 01:11.680 Maybe it's exactly what you're expecting. 01:11.759 --> 01:14.360 I never understand why people get tickets for the front row for me. 01:14.440 --> 01:16.320 I know for other people, it's a really good view, 01:16.399 --> 01:18.800 but for me, it's a terrible fucking angle. 01:19.479 --> 01:21.680 It's all tits and chins. 01:21.759 --> 01:25.119 And now piss as well. Piss and tits and chins. 01:25.200 --> 01:26.640 You lucky buggers. 01:30.839 --> 01:34.080 You getting a strong whiff of it all the way back there, are you, flower? 01:34.160 --> 01:37.000 I'm so sorry. You're right in a direct line. 01:37.080 --> 01:39.479 I'll try not to quack at any point. 01:39.560 --> 01:41.199 I'm so sorry! 01:43.479 --> 01:46.040 My show, as you know, is called Late Bloomer. 01:46.119 --> 01:48.640 I've always considered myself to be a late bloomer. 01:48.720 --> 01:50.880 From what you understand of the term already, 01:50.960 --> 01:54.119 give me a whoo if you think you're a late bloomer like me. 01:54.199 --> 01:56.839 -Whoo! -Oh, there's quite a few of you in. Okay. 01:56.920 --> 01:59.720 So I've been trying to work out what the rest of you are. 02:00.520 --> 02:04.919 The Internet thinks the opposite of a late bloomer is a child prodigy. 02:05.640 --> 02:08.759 I can see quite a lot of you down here. I'm gonna say no to that. 02:09.759 --> 02:11.720 I think it's 'cause they're basing it on education, 02:11.799 --> 02:15.640 when I think it's more to do with how old you were when you first had sex. 02:15.720 --> 02:19.000 What's that, a sex prodigy? That doesn't sound right, does it? 02:19.080 --> 02:21.440 Early slut? That's not very nice. 02:22.560 --> 02:24.720 The term I've come up with… I think you're gonna like it. 02:24.799 --> 02:28.560 To me, if you're not a late bloomer, you're an eager beaver. 02:28.640 --> 02:31.840 Some of you won't know which one you are. 02:31.920 --> 02:35.000 Luckily, I've made a handy list to help you decide. 02:35.080 --> 02:37.080 Here we go. "Late bloomer, 02:37.160 --> 02:39.840 sweet 16 and never been kissed." 02:39.920 --> 02:42.040 "Eager beaver, sweet 16 02:42.120 --> 02:44.440 and already been fisted." 02:47.840 --> 02:51.640 There's loads over there! 02:52.200 --> 02:54.440 I was trying to work out what the cutoff age is, 02:54.519 --> 02:56.200 if it is about when you first had sex. 02:56.280 --> 02:59.040 'Cause some people have sex for the first time when they're quite young, 02:59.120 --> 03:01.440 and other people wait and have it when they're a bit older. 03:01.519 --> 03:03.239 Wait? I'm not sure I waited. 03:03.320 --> 03:06.000 Rather just none was available to me 03:06.640 --> 03:09.040 when I was shopping for cock. 03:10.760 --> 03:12.160 "Your basket is empty." 03:18.519 --> 03:21.560 "Late bloomer, had no talents as a child." 03:21.640 --> 03:23.560 When I was a kid, maybe 10 or 11 years old, 03:23.640 --> 03:26.320 we had a talent assembly at school where whatever talent you had, 03:26.399 --> 03:28.440 you could perform it in the assembly. 03:28.519 --> 03:31.519 One little girl played the piano 'cause she'd had piano lessons. 03:31.600 --> 03:34.600 I don't know if I can hide my hatred of her very well. 03:34.679 --> 03:36.080 Another little girl did ballet… 03:36.160 --> 03:38.239 …'cause she'd had ballet lessons. 03:38.760 --> 03:40.359 I hadn't had any of that kind of lesson. 03:40.440 --> 03:42.640 I was determined, though, to be involved in the assembly. 03:42.720 --> 03:46.000 I told the teacher that my talent was looking after animals, 03:46.079 --> 03:47.600 which is A, not a talent, 03:47.679 --> 03:49.840 and B, even if it is, I'm not sure I had it, 03:49.920 --> 03:51.679 'cause they all died. 03:52.359 --> 03:55.760 I don't know how much is my fault. When you're little, you have little animals. 03:55.840 --> 03:57.359 You have hamsters, budgies, rabbits. 03:57.440 --> 03:58.679 You have things that don't last. 03:58.760 --> 04:01.239 Live sounds better. Things that don't live very long. 04:01.760 --> 04:05.200 Also you shouldn't keep a hamster longer than it wants to stay. 04:06.160 --> 04:08.560 That's like the old saying, "If you love someone…" 04:08.640 --> 04:10.000 "Let them go." 04:10.079 --> 04:12.239 "Bury them in the garden." That's right. 04:14.119 --> 04:16.920 "Eager beaver, however, tap dance from 5, 04:17.000 --> 04:21.039 clarinet at 7, netball team at 12, disco dancing at 14, 04:21.120 --> 04:23.400 sucking cocks at 16." 04:24.560 --> 04:27.240 There's some at the back clapping already! 04:28.320 --> 04:31.720 "Late bloomer, first kiss very late." 04:31.800 --> 04:33.960 Now, for that, I don't count hands or posters. 04:34.039 --> 04:37.560 I think your first kiss has to be another person, generally speaking. 04:37.640 --> 04:40.000 Also, where do kids get their posters from these days? 04:40.080 --> 04:42.240 There's no Woolworths, there's no Athena. 04:42.320 --> 04:45.440 Are they just kissing their phones? Is that what they're doing? 04:45.520 --> 04:49.160 I used to spend many an hour on a Saturday in Woolworths just doing this. 05:00.200 --> 05:03.320 It was like a very early Tinder, wasn't it? 05:05.240 --> 05:07.840 "Swipe left for Chesney Hawkes." 05:08.640 --> 05:10.560 That's what late bloomers were doing on Saturdays, 05:10.640 --> 05:14.320 while eager beavers were buying lipsticks and touching winkies. 05:16.680 --> 05:20.560 Eager beaver, however, kissed everyone sort of uncomfortably early. 05:20.640 --> 05:23.160 Sometimes I see a group of kids, group of adults with the kids, 05:23.240 --> 05:25.160 and one adult will point at one kid and go, 05:25.240 --> 05:28.680 "Eeh, look, she's got herself a boyfriend!" 05:28.760 --> 05:32.680 And I think, "They're five years old, you fucking weirdo perverts." 05:32.760 --> 05:35.520 "And it's her cousin. What the fuck's happening here?" 05:38.680 --> 05:42.000 "Late bloomer, never accidentally pregnant." 05:45.520 --> 05:47.800 Brace yourselves. 05:47.880 --> 05:49.000 "Eager beaver, 05:49.080 --> 05:50.240 many abortions." 05:50.320 --> 05:51.479 Now… 05:53.160 --> 05:54.960 Such a great reaction! 05:55.039 --> 05:57.280 You did what I call the "move-on laugh." 05:57.359 --> 05:59.039 "Ha ha ha! Ooh, no." 06:01.359 --> 06:03.880 I'm pro-abortion, it's fine. 06:03.960 --> 06:07.560 "Eager beaver, drank in the park, even on a school night." 06:09.760 --> 06:12.840 "Phwoar!" Good response. 06:12.919 --> 06:15.359 "Late bloomer, drank only at Christmas, 06:15.440 --> 06:18.560 in full view of approving parents." 06:20.120 --> 06:23.599 "Eager beaver, saw New Year's Eve as an opportunity 06:23.680 --> 06:28.680 to get fingered or a hand job in a McDonald's toilet." 06:31.599 --> 06:36.400 Should auld acquaintance be forgot 06:36.479 --> 06:38.799 "Ten! Nine!" 06:39.640 --> 06:41.359 "Eight!" 06:41.440 --> 06:42.640 "Seven!" 06:48.799 --> 06:51.599 "Late bloomer, went out on New Year's Eve, 06:51.680 --> 06:53.919 but went home at 11:30 p.m. 06:54.000 --> 06:57.039 to see in the new year with their parents." 06:57.120 --> 07:01.000 I did that. I was never once fingered on a New Year's Eve. 07:01.520 --> 07:04.039 Sounds like a country and western song, doesn't it? 07:05.919 --> 07:08.760 "Eager beaver, experimented with drugs." 07:08.840 --> 07:12.039 "Late bloomer, was on medication." 07:14.000 --> 07:19.200 And finally, "Late bloomer, first sex toy after first divorce." 07:19.719 --> 07:26.239 "Eager beaver, got a voucher for Lovehoney off their mam on their 17th birthday." 07:35.479 --> 07:37.680 The inspiration for this show is a photograph. 07:37.760 --> 07:40.960 You know there were people we really liked at school that we're still in touch with, 07:41.039 --> 07:45.000 and there were people we really hated at school that we sort of hope are dead now. 07:45.080 --> 07:46.320 Then there's… 07:46.400 --> 07:47.760 Yes? Yes. 07:47.840 --> 07:50.039 Then the people in between that we didn't know that well, 07:50.120 --> 07:51.599 but they seemed all right at the time. 07:51.680 --> 07:54.719 One of those girls in that last category sent me a message on Facebook. 07:54.799 --> 07:58.159 She said, "I've got a photograph you're in and I wondered if you'd like to see it." 07:58.239 --> 08:01.039 I said, "Yes, please." She said, "It's from when we were 12." 08:01.120 --> 08:05.159 I'm 49 now, so the idea of seeing a photograph of myself from so long ago 08:05.239 --> 08:07.719 is, of course, intriguing. I said, "I'd love to see it." 08:07.799 --> 08:12.280 She said, "It's from when we went skiing with the school in France." 08:12.799 --> 08:14.799 I've never been skiing. 08:15.599 --> 08:17.760 So now I'm thinking, "Is it even me in the photograph 08:17.840 --> 08:19.359 or just another kid in glasses?" 08:19.440 --> 08:22.840 I know I've never been skiing 'cause it involves three of the things I hate most. 08:22.919 --> 08:24.359 The cold, sport, 08:24.440 --> 08:25.679 hospitals. 08:26.200 --> 08:29.479 Actually, France. Four of the things I hate the most. 08:31.840 --> 08:33.400 The photograph came through. It is me. 08:33.480 --> 08:36.000 I'd love to show you the photograph, but in order to do that, 08:36.079 --> 08:38.480 I'd have to ask permission of all the people in the photograph. 08:38.559 --> 08:41.840 And in order to do that, I'd have to talk to people from school, 08:41.919 --> 08:43.640 and I'm not fucking doing it. 08:48.079 --> 08:50.840 So I'm gonna describe the photograph. As you're looking at me, 08:50.920 --> 08:53.120 this is the photograph. Four kids sitting along in a row, 08:53.199 --> 08:55.959 all aged 12 or thereabouts, all sitting at a table. 08:56.040 --> 08:57.040 We'll start at this end. 08:57.120 --> 09:00.600 The first person on my left, your right, is the girl who sent me the photograph. 09:00.680 --> 09:03.040 Let's call her Sam. She's called Deborah. 09:03.120 --> 09:04.120 It's fine. 09:11.600 --> 09:13.360 She's got a big smile on her face. 09:13.440 --> 09:17.000 It's a very '80s photograph, taken in 1987. 09:17.079 --> 09:20.160 Everybody's in, like, crazy earrings, chunky jumpers. 09:20.240 --> 09:22.839 There's evidence of nuggets on the table in front of us. 09:22.920 --> 09:24.520 Don't know what they're called in France. 09:24.600 --> 09:26.720 Les nuggets de poulet. I don't know. 09:27.920 --> 09:30.920 She's got a big smile on her face, belly full of nuggets, having a lovely time. 09:31.000 --> 09:33.680 Next to her is the prettiest boy in school. 09:33.760 --> 09:35.880 The prettiest boy in school. 09:35.959 --> 09:38.600 And I sent a message to Sam, Deborah, and I said, 09:39.240 --> 09:41.120 "Do you remember we all used to fancy him?" 09:41.199 --> 09:42.520 She said, "Yeah." 09:42.600 --> 09:43.800 "Not now." 09:44.360 --> 09:47.400 I said, "What does that mean?" She said, "I've looked him up on Facebook." 09:47.480 --> 09:49.199 "Not now." 09:51.040 --> 09:53.120 He peaked at 12. 09:54.800 --> 09:56.760 Eager beaver. Then there's me. 09:57.280 --> 09:59.800 Remember I said everybody's in crazy earrings, chunky jumpers? 09:59.880 --> 10:01.240 Not me. I'm wearing a blazer. 10:01.320 --> 10:03.240 Not a school blazer 'cause I'm not at school. 10:03.320 --> 10:04.640 A fashion blazer. 10:04.720 --> 10:06.880 I can only imagine I got it out of my sister's catalogue. 10:06.959 --> 10:08.079 She used to run a catalogue. 10:08.160 --> 10:11.360 Twenty-five pence a week, for the rest of my natural life. 10:11.880 --> 10:13.160 Should check my bank statements. 10:13.240 --> 10:15.680 There is a strong chance I am still paying for that now. 10:15.760 --> 10:16.959 I've got the sleeves pushed up. 10:17.040 --> 10:18.959 Sort of Miami Vice style. 10:19.040 --> 10:21.240 Uh… Thanks. 10:21.320 --> 10:23.839 Underneath the blazer is a blouse. 10:23.920 --> 10:26.480 I think this is why I'm really good at being 49 10:26.560 --> 10:30.680 'cause I think I might have always been 49. 10:31.800 --> 10:35.480 Not even finished. On the blouse is a brooch. 10:38.440 --> 10:40.560 Not even a cool kid's brooch, where it would be like, 10:40.640 --> 10:42.440 "Hey, I like the penguin on your lapel." 10:42.520 --> 10:46.199 No, a little lady's brooch right at the top of the blouse. 10:46.720 --> 10:49.760 Keeping it shut, presumably so that nobody could see my 10:49.839 --> 10:50.920 vest. 10:53.320 --> 10:54.719 What the fuck was I hiding up here? 10:54.800 --> 10:56.719 It was four more years till I grew any tits. 10:56.800 --> 10:58.719 What the fuck was I hiding up here? 10:58.800 --> 11:02.400 Also, I'm not sure my tits have ever been visible from up here. 11:02.920 --> 11:04.920 Down there, perhaps. 11:05.680 --> 11:06.920 Not up here. 11:07.440 --> 11:12.640 I've got my sleeves pushed up, I've got my arms folded, and I look fucking livid. 11:13.920 --> 11:17.839 And I sent a message to Sam, Deborah, and I said, "I look livid." 11:17.920 --> 11:20.600 She said, "You look like an office manager." 11:22.680 --> 11:25.199 And she's right. I look like maybe I couldn't get a boyfriend, 11:25.280 --> 11:27.000 but I bet I could have gotten a mortgage. 11:27.079 --> 11:28.880 That's what I look like. 11:29.760 --> 11:32.040 I look like the one in your friend group, might even be you, 11:32.120 --> 11:35.360 you know the one who works out who owes what on the bill at the end of the meal? 11:36.199 --> 11:39.719 She's not that sociable, just comes out for the maths, that one. I look like her. 11:42.400 --> 11:44.719 But the reason I look so livid is apparent 11:44.800 --> 11:47.120 as soon as you realize that the last person in the photograph 11:47.199 --> 11:49.480 on my right, your left, is my bully. 11:49.560 --> 11:51.640 And I thought, "How did I get from there to here?" 11:51.719 --> 11:54.199 How did I get from there, being so shy and lacking in confidence, 11:54.280 --> 11:57.120 I couldn't say to one of the other kids, or a teacher, or a helper, 11:57.199 --> 11:59.760 "Can I sit beside you 'cause she's always awful to me?" 11:59.839 --> 12:02.480 I just sat there, just took it. Yes, I was furious, 12:02.560 --> 12:05.400 bursting out my fucking brooch, but I still just took it. 12:05.480 --> 12:06.959 How did I get from there to here? 12:07.040 --> 12:10.000 Here, which is essentially talking to people I've never met before 12:10.079 --> 12:11.280 about my fanny. 12:12.959 --> 12:14.280 For money. 12:22.839 --> 12:23.880 So over the course of show, 12:23.959 --> 12:26.240 I'm gonna tell you stuff about me as a kid, about me now, 12:26.320 --> 12:28.480 and try and work out how I got from A to B. 12:28.560 --> 12:31.000 I had two good friends at school, you don't need more than that. 12:31.079 --> 12:33.880 I also had pen pals. Anybody have a pen pal when they were a kid? 12:33.959 --> 12:34.880 -Whoo! -Yeah! 12:34.959 --> 12:37.400 So there was a company called Transatlantic Pen Friends, 12:37.480 --> 12:40.120 where you could get an American pen pal. I was excited by this. 12:40.199 --> 12:42.640 A lot of the television I watched as a kid was American. 12:42.719 --> 12:45.959 I thought there was a pretty good chance I was going to end up writing to Fonzie, 12:46.040 --> 12:47.360 that's what I thought. 12:48.199 --> 12:51.520 But how they matched you up with somebody you'd have something in common with 12:51.599 --> 12:53.199 is you sent a list of favorite things. 12:53.280 --> 12:55.199 Everybody did the same, and they paired you off. 12:55.280 --> 12:58.160 The boy they matched me up with was a similar age to me, 12:58.240 --> 13:01.320 but number one on his list of favorite things 13:01.400 --> 13:03.800 was the word "knives." 13:05.360 --> 13:07.360 Hey, America's different, isn't it? 13:07.440 --> 13:09.040 Mine was "satsumas." 13:12.680 --> 13:14.400 Compared to his list, mine was so innocent. 13:14.480 --> 13:18.320 Oh my God, it was so innocent. Mine was "satsumas, stationery, 13:18.400 --> 13:22.040 uh, Rolf's Cartoon Club, Jim'll Fix It, and The Cosby Show." 13:32.000 --> 13:33.920 I was also in Gary Glitter's gang. 13:37.480 --> 13:41.560 I put my back out a while ago. When some people put their backs out, 13:41.640 --> 13:43.680 they're in agonizing pain, laid up for months. 13:43.760 --> 13:46.560 If that's you, you have my sympathy. Thankfully, it's not so bad for me. 13:46.640 --> 13:48.440 I basically pulled something in my back 13:48.520 --> 13:50.240 that meant things were tricky for a few days. 13:50.320 --> 13:53.040 I know exactly how I did it, though. I put my back out 13:53.120 --> 13:54.719 trimming my pubes. 13:56.480 --> 13:59.880 'Cause the fatter you get, the further away they are. 14:01.079 --> 14:03.440 I texted my friend, 'cause I thought it was hilarious, 14:03.520 --> 14:06.120 "I think I just put my back out trimming my pubes." 14:06.199 --> 14:08.280 And she replied with the weirdest question. 14:08.360 --> 14:10.520 She just replied, "Front to back?" 14:16.640 --> 14:19.280 I said, "Well, I didn't section it off like a hairdresser does, 14:19.360 --> 14:20.959 if that's what you mean." 14:26.079 --> 14:29.079 But you know how doctors' receptionists are bitches? 14:29.599 --> 14:30.560 Yeah! 14:30.640 --> 14:34.360 It's not my opinion, it's just a fact in the world. They're all bitches. 14:34.439 --> 14:36.040 I had to ring up to book a smear test. 14:36.120 --> 14:38.360 The receptionist booked the appointment no trouble. 14:38.439 --> 14:41.599 Then she said, "Just to let you know, for the two weeks before the smear test, 14:41.680 --> 14:43.280 you're not allowed to have any sex." 14:43.360 --> 14:44.520 -Huh? -Thank you! 14:44.599 --> 14:46.880 Somebody over there went, "Huh?" Thank you! 14:47.400 --> 14:50.319 I never heard that before. I said that to the lady. "Can you tell me why?" 14:50.400 --> 14:53.520 She said, "I'm sorry, I can't. It's what we're told to say when we book the test." 14:53.599 --> 14:56.240 Okay. So two weeks go by, something with work crops up, 14:56.319 --> 14:58.319 I have to re-book, ends up being four weeks. 14:58.400 --> 14:59.880 "Boo-hoo!" I don't know what that is. 15:01.640 --> 15:04.400 I think I'm trying to show you what a sad vagina looks like. 15:10.000 --> 15:11.640 "Your basket is still empty." 15:15.599 --> 15:17.479 So four weeks go by, I go in for the appointment. 15:17.560 --> 15:18.839 I'm sitting with a lovely nurse. 15:18.920 --> 15:21.120 She said, "Before we start, have you got any questions?" 15:21.199 --> 15:23.400 I said, "I have, actually. When I booked this appointment, 15:23.479 --> 15:26.640 the receptionist told me that for the two weeks before the smear test, 15:26.719 --> 15:28.560 I'm not allowed to have any sex. Is that true?" 15:28.640 --> 15:30.640 She said no. Fucking bitches. 15:30.719 --> 15:32.560 Fucking bitches. 15:39.040 --> 15:41.760 When I first had that information, I mentioned it to one of my friends, 15:41.839 --> 15:43.959 and she said, "Do they mean you have to stop everything 15:44.040 --> 15:45.439 or just the jizzy stuff?" 15:51.400 --> 15:54.520 I think I've given you a pretty good idea of what I was like as a kid already, 15:54.599 --> 15:57.479 but allow me to color that in a bit further for you, if I may. 15:57.560 --> 16:01.000 "I was the kid who sat at the front of the bus on school trips 16:01.079 --> 16:03.079 to talk to the driver." 16:04.920 --> 16:07.319 And vomit in the bucket. 16:07.839 --> 16:09.760 I mentioned this to one of my friends. She said, 16:09.839 --> 16:12.160 "Was there a bucket at the front of the bus?" I said, "Yeah." 16:12.240 --> 16:15.199 "What were you doing?" She said, "Flashing my tits at the lorry drivers." 16:18.160 --> 16:21.959 "I was the kid who was put on a table of tricksy kids to keep them in line." 16:22.040 --> 16:26.240 I was part teaching assistant, part ADHD meds. 16:26.839 --> 16:29.479 There was one boy on that table who used to sneeze on the table 16:29.560 --> 16:30.680 and rub it in. 16:32.199 --> 16:34.880 And years and years later, he asked me out in a nightclub, 16:34.959 --> 16:38.079 and all I could think of was, "What would he rub on the table now?" 16:40.640 --> 16:42.400 He's a French polisher now. 16:45.439 --> 16:47.599 "While other girls were growing pubes, 16:47.680 --> 16:50.040 I was growing cress in an egg." 16:51.120 --> 16:53.040 Sticking it on. No! 16:54.000 --> 16:56.560 It's a good idea. I wish I'd had it at the time. 16:57.599 --> 17:00.120 "While other girls were being fingered behind the bike sheds, 17:00.199 --> 17:02.640 I couldn't even ride a bike." 17:03.280 --> 17:06.399 I didn't know where the bike sheds were. 17:06.480 --> 17:10.560 What if there were fingers lined up for me there as well? 17:10.640 --> 17:12.880 I mean, I'm not a parent, but if you have got kids, 17:12.960 --> 17:14.399 teach them how to ride a bike 17:14.480 --> 17:18.359 'cause if you don't, it's gonna affect them in so many different ways. 17:19.640 --> 17:22.480 "I lied about my age to get into Jason Donovan." 17:22.560 --> 17:24.960 The concert, not the man. 17:29.040 --> 17:31.919 And finally, does anybody remember More magazine? 17:32.000 --> 17:32.840 -Yes! -Yes. 17:32.919 --> 17:35.640 So, if you don't know More magazine, it was a late-teen magazine, 17:35.720 --> 17:38.040 it was fortnightly, had a very famous page, 17:38.120 --> 17:39.760 Position of the Fortnight, 17:40.280 --> 17:43.120 which was a weird pencil drawing of a couple having sex 17:43.200 --> 17:44.800 in a variety of different ways. 17:44.880 --> 17:48.280 I was looking at this every two weeks. I hadn't had my first kiss yet. 17:48.800 --> 17:52.560 Didn't need More magazine, I needed fucking Any magazine. 17:53.080 --> 17:56.240 Also, how confident are you when you start a magazine with a column like that, 17:56.320 --> 17:57.800 that you know enough positions? 17:57.880 --> 18:01.600 That magazine ran for 25 years. 18:01.680 --> 18:03.159 I, as an adult, 18:03.240 --> 18:06.320 only know five positions. 18:06.399 --> 18:08.240 I only do two. 18:10.399 --> 18:11.360 One. 18:19.120 --> 18:21.159 Unless it's a birthday. 18:22.560 --> 18:24.360 My birthday. 18:25.480 --> 18:28.480 For my last birthday, I requested the wheelbarrow. 18:28.560 --> 18:30.840 Don't know if you're familiar with the wheelbarrow? 18:30.919 --> 18:32.960 Would not recommend. 18:34.360 --> 18:35.720 My husband put his back out, 18:35.800 --> 18:38.120 and I got carpet burns on my nipples. 18:47.399 --> 18:51.560 I don't think everybody in our house knows how to use a toilet brush correctly. 18:52.080 --> 18:53.960 There's only two of us, and I'm fine. 18:55.679 --> 18:58.240 For example, the last time I pulled it out the… What is it called? 18:58.320 --> 18:59.640 The holder? Is it the holder? 18:59.720 --> 19:01.200 -Yes. -You know what I mean? 19:01.280 --> 19:03.320 Where the poo soup lives. Yeah. 19:08.600 --> 19:13.159 If you are horrified by that, hold on tight, guys! 19:16.000 --> 19:17.640 The last time I pulled it out the holder, 19:17.720 --> 19:20.000 it looked like a fucking cake pop. 19:25.320 --> 19:29.320 "Can't use that now. It's gonna put more poo on the toilet." 19:29.399 --> 19:32.040 "Also, how is he building it up so much?" 19:32.120 --> 19:33.600 I have to stop doing that. 19:33.679 --> 19:36.440 I'm worried I'm gonna put people off candy floss for life. 19:36.520 --> 19:38.040 Ah! 19:38.600 --> 19:40.480 How am I supposed to clean it when it's that bad? 19:40.560 --> 19:43.480 Is it like a hairbrush? Do I have to comb it through? 19:43.560 --> 19:45.640 No, no. 19:45.720 --> 19:48.080 What about if I popped it in the dishwasher? 19:48.600 --> 19:49.440 No? 19:49.520 --> 19:53.240 I thought I could lie it flat on the top with all my vibrators and my big spoons. 19:57.840 --> 19:59.679 Transpires that before he met me, 19:59.760 --> 20:01.840 my husband used to think the toilet brush was used 20:01.919 --> 20:03.399 for unblocking the toilet. 20:04.200 --> 20:07.520 Everybody knows if you need to unblock a toilet, you need a vacuum. 20:08.200 --> 20:10.360 No, not like a hoover. 20:10.440 --> 20:12.440 Imagine Henry's face. 20:15.720 --> 20:18.040 You need to create a vacuum, is what I should have said. 20:18.120 --> 20:21.720 Some of you looking at me like you never had a big shit in your life. Fuck off. 20:22.760 --> 20:24.840 So now we've got a plunger in every room. 20:24.919 --> 20:26.480 Every bathroom, not every room. 20:27.919 --> 20:31.840 Just one by the side of the bed, just in case we're fucking and he gets stuck. 20:37.919 --> 20:40.520 But it's not that long ago that my husband found out 20:40.600 --> 20:43.640 that the towels he brought into our relationship 20:43.720 --> 20:45.679 have gone to live on a farm. 20:47.480 --> 20:48.840 Two towels, both bath towels. 20:48.919 --> 20:51.159 One had Elvis on it, one had Aston Villa on it, 20:51.240 --> 20:53.360 and they hung on a hook each in his bathroom, 20:53.440 --> 20:55.120 and they were what could only be described 20:55.200 --> 20:56.399 as crispy. 20:57.880 --> 20:59.960 So much so that I knocked one off the hook one day, 21:00.040 --> 21:02.040 and it landed and held its shape. 21:03.480 --> 21:07.080 Like a ghost. Like his bathroom was haunted. 21:08.120 --> 21:11.200 Early in our relationship, one day I said, "Have you got a towel I could borrow? 21:11.280 --> 21:13.240 He said, "Use either of the ones in the bathroom." 21:13.320 --> 21:15.840 And I was like, "What if I like my skin?" 21:16.360 --> 21:18.120 He looked in the cupboard for any alternative. 21:18.200 --> 21:20.159 He found what looked like a small white hand towel. 21:20.240 --> 21:22.280 I thought, "That'll have to do." But when I opened it, 21:22.360 --> 21:25.000 it turned out to be an Ibis hotel bath mat. 21:25.080 --> 21:26.720 For fuck's sake. 21:29.960 --> 21:31.960 Things were very different for him before he met me. 21:32.040 --> 21:34.159 He used to have black bedsheets. 21:34.240 --> 21:36.919 And not like in a… Mr. Lover Loverkind of way. 21:37.000 --> 21:39.520 Just George at Asda cotton black sheets. 21:39.600 --> 21:42.040 His reasoning was that they wouldn't show anything up. 21:44.679 --> 21:47.040 You know what they did show up? Jizz. 21:49.080 --> 21:52.080 If anything, they were jizz-enhancing sheets. 21:53.040 --> 21:55.120 Looked like a Bob Ross painting. 21:57.560 --> 22:00.200 One day, I thought I'd seen Jesus's face. 22:02.600 --> 22:04.000 Which presumably would count 22:04.080 --> 22:05.159 as the second coming. 22:14.919 --> 22:17.240 At school… I don't know if this is just my school or area. 22:17.320 --> 22:19.280 Let's find out. This is just for the ladies. 22:19.360 --> 22:22.080 Give me a whoo if, when you did PE at school, 22:22.159 --> 22:24.159 you had to have a shower afterwards. 22:24.240 --> 22:27.240 -Whoo! -Give a whoo if that shower was communal. 22:27.320 --> 22:28.560 -Whoo! -Okay. 22:28.640 --> 22:32.480 I had two problems with the showers. The first was I don't think I did enough 22:32.560 --> 22:33.919 in PE 22:35.080 --> 22:37.320 to warrant a shower. 22:38.560 --> 22:41.679 Starting at the side and then putting the balls back in the cupboard at the end 22:41.760 --> 22:44.120 did not make me very sweaty. 22:44.200 --> 22:47.200 Second problem I had was that I was very underdeveloped at that age. 22:47.280 --> 22:50.720 Uh, I was very self-conscious of that. I didn't get boobs and pubes… 22:50.800 --> 22:52.159 Ooh, it rhymes! 22:52.240 --> 22:54.679 Shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes 22:54.760 --> 22:58.080 Didn't get boobs and pubes until I got my GCSEs. 22:58.159 --> 22:59.960 Not, like, as a "Well done." 23:01.360 --> 23:04.040 "You've done quite well in your exams. Have some tits and hair." 23:04.120 --> 23:06.360 "Just take whatever you like out the bag." 23:07.200 --> 23:09.600 "Ooh, there's a little bit of hair left. Uh…" 23:14.439 --> 23:17.560 But because of puberty, there were girls in my year that looked like proper women. 23:17.640 --> 23:20.520 I just looked like a young girl. So I'd wrap a towel around myself. 23:20.600 --> 23:22.880 I'd keep the towel wrapped. I'd go into the shower area. 23:22.960 --> 23:26.200 I'd splash my shoulders and I'd splash my feet, and try and get away with that. 23:26.280 --> 23:28.520 But give me a whoo if sometimes your teacher watched. 23:28.600 --> 23:30.000 -Whoo! -Yeah! 23:30.080 --> 23:33.840 We call them pedophiles now. A friend who's Australian said, 23:33.919 --> 23:35.600 "It's not like that in Australia. Terrible." 23:35.679 --> 23:37.919 I said, "I know it's terrible. I was just so self-conscious 23:38.000 --> 23:39.640 'cause I didn't have any boobs and pubes." 23:39.720 --> 23:43.000 She said, "Well, you've made up for lost time there, haven't you?" 23:43.080 --> 23:44.919 I was like, "I'm assuming she means my tits." 23:45.000 --> 23:47.520 "I'm not sure she's seen my pubes." 23:47.600 --> 23:49.919 Although she does know I haven't put my back out in a while. 23:50.000 --> 23:52.399 So she's just done a rough calculation there. 23:52.919 --> 23:55.600 She said, "I bet you'd have a shower with all those people now." 23:55.679 --> 24:00.240 I said, "That would be the weirdest ever response to a school reunion invitation." 24:01.840 --> 24:03.360 "Sure, I'll come to the pub with you." 24:03.439 --> 24:05.360 "Do you mind if first, we have a shower together?" 24:05.439 --> 24:08.640 "'Cause I've been growing some stuff I think you're gonna wanna see." 24:09.960 --> 24:13.800 "So many pubes now, some of them are coming out my fucking chin." 24:13.880 --> 24:16.040 It's true. 24:20.080 --> 24:22.240 Love a big handbag. Haven't always loved a big handbag. 24:22.320 --> 24:24.080 When I was sort of late teens, early 20s, 24:24.159 --> 24:25.960 I had… you know the kind that goes across you? 24:26.040 --> 24:27.439 I had one of those smaller bags. 24:27.520 --> 24:30.800 It felt important at that age to have my hands free for whatever life threw at me. 24:30.880 --> 24:34.840 I was ready. Be it opportunity or danger, I was fucking ready. 24:34.919 --> 24:37.640 I wanted to be able to pick up a pound coin, peel a satsuma, 24:37.720 --> 24:40.880 punch a rapist, all the things I thought might come up. 24:40.960 --> 24:42.600 Now, though, I prefer a big handbag 24:42.679 --> 24:44.600 that can contain everything I could possibly need. 24:44.679 --> 24:46.600 Give me a whoo if you like a big handbag? 24:46.679 --> 24:48.600 -Whoo! -Small handbag? 24:48.679 --> 24:50.439 -Whoo! -Prefer no handbag? 24:50.520 --> 24:52.679 -Whoo! -You're the people that scare me most. 24:52.760 --> 24:55.320 'Cause you're not prepared for fucking anything at all. 24:56.240 --> 24:59.040 I have a friend who has a small handbag. We were comparing our bags. 24:59.120 --> 25:03.679 She noticed that my purse was the same size as her handbag. 25:03.760 --> 25:05.919 And just to give you an idea, my purse is the same size 25:06.000 --> 25:08.679 as the one my nana used to run after the ice-cream van with. 25:08.760 --> 25:13.679 You know, massive and can be used as an improvised weapon if needs be. 25:14.199 --> 25:16.880 She said, "You can't need everything that's in that." I said, "I do." 25:16.960 --> 25:20.240 "I've got bank cards. Other bank cards in case the first bank cards don't work." 25:20.320 --> 25:22.679 "I've got cash in case none of the bank cards work." 25:22.760 --> 25:25.880 "I've got gift cards. I've got Clubcards. I've got stamps." 25:25.960 --> 25:29.800 And she went, "Do you not just use Apple Pay?" 25:29.880 --> 25:32.240 "Neh-neh-neh-neh-neh." 25:33.679 --> 25:35.520 I said, "No, 'cause I decided two years ago 25:35.600 --> 25:37.439 to not learn anything new ever again, 25:37.520 --> 25:39.080 and I'm fucking loving it." 25:40.439 --> 25:42.880 I said, "In that little bag, you must have your house keys?" 25:42.960 --> 25:46.720 She said, "Yeah." She brought out one solitary key. No key ring attached. 25:46.800 --> 25:49.159 I said, "My first worry is how you're going to defend yourself 25:49.240 --> 25:51.520 if you have to get the last bus home late at night." 25:51.600 --> 25:54.399 That's what we're taught. You put your keys between all your fingers. 25:54.480 --> 25:57.760 One key! She's going to have to hope she's got good aim. 25:58.679 --> 26:01.280 Just gouge his fucking eye out. 26:01.360 --> 26:04.000 "Excuse me, Mr. Rapist, do you mind taking your glasses off, please?" 26:04.080 --> 26:06.480 "Thank you." But that's what we're taught, isn't it? 26:06.560 --> 26:08.919 We're taught you put your keys between all your fingers. 26:09.000 --> 26:10.600 That's what we're taught, and claw down. 26:10.679 --> 26:13.840 From what, 14 or 15? It's great being a woman. 26:14.360 --> 26:15.960 And I worked in a shop in my 20s. 26:16.040 --> 26:18.159 There was a lady, a bit older than me, worked there, 26:18.240 --> 26:19.560 and she said to me one day, 26:19.640 --> 26:22.640 "You should only ever wear shoes you can run in." 26:22.720 --> 26:25.159 How fucking bleak is that? 26:25.679 --> 26:28.360 I said it back to her, 'cause I wanted her to hear how bad it sounded. 26:28.439 --> 26:31.520 I said, "You think I should only ever wear shoes that I… 26:32.040 --> 26:34.960 I can run in?" 26:35.040 --> 26:38.240 "You want me to wear magic shoes?" 26:44.120 --> 26:47.240 But I brought out my set of keys to show my friend. I look like I run a jail. 26:47.320 --> 26:50.760 I have emergency keys for four other people's houses. 26:50.840 --> 26:53.240 My friend said, "You don't carry them all the time, though." 26:53.320 --> 26:57.159 I said, "Yes I do 'cause I take emergencies fucking seriously." 26:57.679 --> 26:59.720 Same friend, out for the day, having a lovely day. 26:59.800 --> 27:02.040 She started her period. Wasn't expecting to. 27:02.120 --> 27:04.679 Didn't have anything with her in her stupid little bag. 27:05.199 --> 27:08.000 My first thought was, "She's going to have to use her stupid little bag 27:08.080 --> 27:10.199 as a sanitary towel." 27:12.560 --> 27:15.640 But she looked at me all sad eyed. She said, "I haven't got anything with me." 27:15.720 --> 27:17.880 "Have you got anything?" I said, "What do you think?" 27:17.960 --> 27:20.919 "I've got 12 nighttime towels." 27:23.000 --> 27:26.439 Wasn't even due on for two more weeks. That's how fucking ready I am! 27:27.600 --> 27:29.439 But for example, with what I have in my bag 27:29.520 --> 27:32.240 that I brought here today, if 12 of you started your period, 27:32.320 --> 27:33.679 I can sort you out. 27:33.760 --> 27:35.760 I've got your back. Well, it's a nighttime towel. 27:35.840 --> 27:38.439 I've got your front as well. They're fucking massive, aren't they? 27:40.360 --> 27:43.679 "Just take this canoe and try and hold it in place." 27:47.760 --> 27:50.080 If six of you got a blister, I can sort you out. 27:50.159 --> 27:52.720 Not just a pissy little plaster, either. A fucking Compeed. 27:52.800 --> 27:55.560 I can give six of you a fucking Compeed. 27:55.640 --> 27:57.720 The sort you can't even peel off in the shower. 27:57.800 --> 28:00.399 You just have to eventually shed them like a snake. 28:03.439 --> 28:06.240 If 28 of you needed a pen… 28:08.679 --> 28:11.199 I can do it. I'm not even ashamed. 28:11.720 --> 28:13.399 If you've got the shits, I can sort you out. 28:13.480 --> 28:16.120 I've got two different types of Imodium. 28:17.000 --> 28:19.320 I've got Imodium Instant and Imodium Classic. 28:19.399 --> 28:22.679 Does anybody know why Imodium Classic still exists? 28:22.760 --> 28:27.280 Who is thinking, "I'd like my diarrhea to stop 28:28.000 --> 28:29.320 but in a while"? 28:38.159 --> 28:40.800 If any of you haven't had a shit today but would like one before bed, 28:40.880 --> 28:43.120 I've got fucking Senokot. 28:47.280 --> 28:52.040 Interestingly, Senokot never brought out an instant range. 28:53.159 --> 28:55.040 'Cause it would just be like this. "Ha ha ha!" 28:55.120 --> 28:56.520 Bam! "Fuck!" 28:59.520 --> 29:01.560 "Glad I've got my canoe on." 29:07.000 --> 29:08.120 I would like to talk to you, 29:08.199 --> 29:10.439 see if anybody in this beautiful room of glorious people 29:10.520 --> 29:13.879 would like to shout out an unusual thing that you have in your bag. 29:13.959 --> 29:17.360 It doesn't just have to be a handbag. It can be a bum bag, backpack, briefcase. 29:17.439 --> 29:19.600 Whatever it is you carry with you on a regular basis. 29:19.679 --> 29:22.280 We'll section you off to make it easier. Let me give an example. 29:22.360 --> 29:24.199 I was in quite a posh area recently, and I said, 29:24.280 --> 29:26.439 "What's the most unusual thing you have in your bag?" 29:26.520 --> 29:28.000 And a lady shouted out, 29:28.080 --> 29:29.600 "Balsamic vinegar." 29:33.040 --> 29:35.439 And I said, "Can I ask why you carry balsamic vinegar?" 29:35.520 --> 29:38.000 She said, "Just in case I'm ever confronted 29:38.080 --> 29:40.679 with a salad that's undressed." 29:43.040 --> 29:44.040 What? 29:46.159 --> 29:49.240 But I think the easiest way to talk to you guys is in the sections you're in. 29:49.320 --> 29:51.199 We'll do upstairs first. We'll divide you in two. 29:51.280 --> 29:54.080 Anybody want to shout out an unusual thing that you have in your bag? 29:54.159 --> 29:55.120 Anybody want to start? 29:55.199 --> 29:57.560 -Cutlery set. -A cutlery set? 29:57.639 --> 29:59.320 A knife, fork, and spoon. 29:59.399 --> 30:00.919 I understand what cutlery is. 30:10.240 --> 30:12.840 Do you think I was just shoveling it in with my hands? 30:14.560 --> 30:16.959 "Look at her, she probably uses a trowel." 30:19.800 --> 30:22.720 What are they made of, my lovely? Are they plastic? Are they wooden? 30:22.800 --> 30:26.040 They're plastic because I don't like it when you get the wooden ones. 30:26.120 --> 30:27.840 It makes my mouth go all funny. 30:27.919 --> 30:29.240 -Whoo! -Okay. 30:29.840 --> 30:31.879 One fan of… 30:31.959 --> 30:35.439 So that's two of you like killing the turtles. Is that right? 30:35.520 --> 30:38.320 So you don't like the wooden ones. 30:38.399 --> 30:40.240 -No. -And they're plastic. Are they silicone? 30:40.320 --> 30:42.800 -Or are they, like, plastic plastic? -They're like silicone. 30:42.879 --> 30:44.480 -They're in a little plastic… -So… 30:44.560 --> 30:46.360 -A silicone tub. -Oh, this is nice. 30:46.439 --> 30:48.679 So they're all together. 30:48.760 --> 30:51.320 Slightly jealous. 30:52.840 --> 30:55.520 -Do they stay in your bag all the time? -Yeah. 30:55.600 --> 30:57.199 -Fucking amazing. -I've got a metal straw. 30:57.280 --> 30:58.800 I don't like the paper straws. 30:58.879 --> 31:00.840 I don't like the feel. The feel. 31:00.919 --> 31:04.240 Oh! You're what I would call a fussy fanny. 31:07.360 --> 31:08.520 Is this your partner? 31:08.600 --> 31:11.480 -Yes, my husband. -You put up with a lot, don't you, flower? 31:12.679 --> 31:13.600 Loads. 31:13.679 --> 31:16.159 Is there another thing she doesn't like the feel of in her mouth? 31:24.840 --> 31:27.560 "I like my rubber one. I don't like your meaty one." 31:27.639 --> 31:30.720 "It just feels… it feels weird on my teeth." 31:30.800 --> 31:33.040 "You're not supposed to use your fucking teeth!" 31:34.919 --> 31:37.320 I… You see, I don't carry a full set of cutlery, 31:37.399 --> 31:38.879 but I do carry a spoon. 31:38.959 --> 31:41.240 And the reason for that, you know, every now and again, 31:41.320 --> 31:44.879 there's sort of surprise cake that you didn't know was gonna happen. 31:44.959 --> 31:47.280 Somebody'll be like, "Sandra's birthday next week, 31:47.360 --> 31:49.480 but she's on holiday, so I've got cake today." 31:49.560 --> 31:51.439 Everybody scatters looking for cutlery, 31:51.520 --> 31:54.240 and me and that nice lady there just fucking start. 31:56.760 --> 31:58.959 Can we have a nice round of applause for the cutlery lady? 31:59.040 --> 32:00.199 Thank you! 32:00.280 --> 32:02.000 Good answer, thank you. 32:05.520 --> 32:07.840 Excellent work upstairs. Downstairs, pressure's on. 32:07.919 --> 32:10.919 Anybody on this side want to shout out an unusual thing you've got in your bag? 32:11.000 --> 32:14.120 -Fire brigade keys. -Fire brigade keys. 32:14.199 --> 32:17.560 I genuinely thought you said "vibragate keys." 32:18.719 --> 32:20.879 "I open the vibragate." 32:22.080 --> 32:23.199 "Come join me." 32:23.719 --> 32:25.719 Fire brigade keys? 32:25.800 --> 32:29.080 Now, you are… Presumably, you work for the fire brigade. 32:29.159 --> 32:31.040 -No. -No? Fuck! 32:33.679 --> 32:35.560 It's worrying. Isn't it worrying? 32:36.360 --> 32:38.560 Why are you allowed to keep the keys, then? 32:39.360 --> 32:41.879 Um, I do use them for work. 32:41.959 --> 32:45.159 I work in fire safety, just not for the fire service. 32:45.240 --> 32:47.600 Okay, hold on. Don't clap. 32:49.120 --> 32:50.800 Still feels dodgy to me. 32:51.600 --> 32:53.040 So you work in fire safety. 32:53.120 --> 32:55.399 What is… Have you got a good… an impressive job title? 32:55.480 --> 32:58.120 -What's your job title, flower? -Fire risk assessor. 32:58.199 --> 32:59.520 Fire risk assessor. 32:59.600 --> 33:02.320 It's exciting, then it goes boring, doesn't it? 33:02.879 --> 33:04.800 Fire, wow! Risk, wow! 33:04.879 --> 33:07.800 Assessor. It just says clipboard to me, doesn't it? 33:07.879 --> 33:09.639 Are you largely clipboard based? 33:09.719 --> 33:10.800 Yes, you're largely… 33:10.879 --> 33:13.919 But why are you allowed the keys to the whole fire brigade? 33:14.840 --> 33:16.360 I don't understand. 33:16.439 --> 33:18.560 'Cause I take emergencies seriously. 33:18.639 --> 33:20.000 Becau-- 33:20.080 --> 33:22.240 She takes emergencies seriously! 33:25.080 --> 33:27.399 I love it! I fucking love it. 33:27.480 --> 33:29.639 We could be friends. I like it. Thank you very much. 33:29.719 --> 33:30.879 A better round of applause… 33:30.959 --> 33:34.600 We need a nice round of applause for the fire risk assessor. 33:34.679 --> 33:36.240 Nice! 33:37.240 --> 33:39.800 Anybody want to shout out an unusual thing you've got your bag? 33:39.879 --> 33:42.480 -Whistle and a face mask. -Hold on. Say it again? 33:42.560 --> 33:44.000 A whistle and a face mask. 33:44.080 --> 33:45.879 -A whistle and a face mask. -Yeah. 33:45.959 --> 33:47.919 You say that like they come in the same pack. 33:49.840 --> 33:51.480 No? No. 33:51.560 --> 33:53.439 So why did you shout them both out? 33:53.520 --> 33:54.919 'Cause they're on my lanyard. 33:55.000 --> 33:56.480 -From school. -They're on your lanyard? 33:56.560 --> 33:57.840 -Ooh. -Ooh! 33:59.159 --> 34:01.719 I love people who are impressed with lanyards. 34:01.800 --> 34:07.879 "Ooh-ooh-ooh! Somebody's got a job that's security conscious!" Uh… 34:07.959 --> 34:09.600 What kind of job do you do, flower? 34:09.679 --> 34:11.759 -Teaching assistant. -A teaching assistant? 34:11.839 --> 34:12.839 Yeah. 34:12.920 --> 34:14.319 And… 34:14.920 --> 34:16.159 Wha… 34:18.960 --> 34:21.719 Are you not allowed to talk about your job? Is that your phone going? 34:21.799 --> 34:23.760 -It's not my phone! -Somebody going to shut you up? 34:23.839 --> 34:24.679 Not my phone. 34:24.760 --> 34:28.199 "We told you not to mention the teaching assistant job." 34:29.480 --> 34:31.880 "Blow the whistle, we'll find you an exit." 34:41.839 --> 34:43.239 So… 34:44.040 --> 34:45.760 Is the whistle like a proper school whistle? 34:45.839 --> 34:47.639 -Yes. -Oh, fuck. 34:49.639 --> 34:51.280 Does anybody else wanna hear it? 34:51.360 --> 34:52.960 Yes! 34:53.040 --> 34:55.199 -Have you got it with you? -It's in the car outside. 34:55.280 --> 34:57.520 -It's in the car. -Aww… 34:58.520 --> 35:02.480 To be honest, I don't know what it would make me do if… if she… 35:02.560 --> 35:04.960 I feel like it might make me, like… 35:05.040 --> 35:07.600 -Stand still. -Stop with a netball. You know, like… 35:08.960 --> 35:10.680 "Pivot, pivot, pivot, pivot." 35:11.360 --> 35:13.040 I'm not sure it would be a good noise. 35:13.120 --> 35:16.160 Maybe it's too triggering for a lot of people, anyway. 35:16.240 --> 35:19.319 If anybody's like me and fucking hated school. 35:19.400 --> 35:21.280 I love that you brought that. What was the other? 35:21.360 --> 35:22.600 -Face mask… -A face mask. 35:22.680 --> 35:24.920 Face… Thank you. Somebody over there went "Face mask." 35:25.960 --> 35:27.760 A face mask. What kind of face mask? 35:27.839 --> 35:29.120 For CPR. 35:29.200 --> 35:31.200 -Oh, a C… Oh! Fuck! -First aid. 35:31.280 --> 35:33.520 -Not like a… "I'm a clown!" Not like… -No! 35:35.520 --> 35:37.080 Not like that? 35:37.160 --> 35:38.200 No. 35:38.920 --> 35:40.600 -A CPR one? -Yeah. 35:40.680 --> 35:41.960 -For first aid. -So, is that… 35:42.040 --> 35:44.880 I don't really know what… Do you put it on the person's… 35:44.960 --> 35:47.080 -Tell me. -Yeah. In case they're vomiting. Or blood. 35:47.160 --> 35:49.440 -Ugh! -You put it on them and you do CPR. 35:50.200 --> 35:52.839 There's a couple of people in here who would not save a life. 35:52.920 --> 35:54.480 Did you hear that? "Ugh!" 35:54.560 --> 35:57.520 "Ugh! Ugh!" 35:58.120 --> 35:59.640 So you put it over their mouth? 35:59.720 --> 36:01.760 -Yes. -So you can give them mouth-to-mouth. 36:01.839 --> 36:03.400 -Yes. -But you don't get any… 36:03.480 --> 36:04.560 -Jizz. -Ugh! 36:04.640 --> 36:06.360 All right! All right! 36:09.520 --> 36:12.480 Does it… Is it… Does it just work on mouths? 36:12.560 --> 36:14.440 Or could you, like, slot over a… 36:21.000 --> 36:22.960 Just slot it over a dick. 36:24.920 --> 36:28.200 "Yeah, I like the look of his dick, but his balls are a fucking mess." 36:28.280 --> 36:31.920 "Just gonna cover them over." 36:34.000 --> 36:35.040 Ah! 36:35.960 --> 36:37.560 I'm so sorry. 36:38.280 --> 36:39.520 I'm not. 36:40.319 --> 36:43.600 Can we have a nice round of applause for the teaching assistant? Thank you. 36:46.760 --> 36:49.600 Anybody else over this side? Unusual thing you've got in your bag? 36:49.680 --> 36:51.560 -Doorstop. -Loads! Hold on. 36:51.640 --> 36:53.520 -What was in the front? -A doorstop. 36:53.600 --> 36:55.640 A doorstop. 36:57.200 --> 36:59.000 I love this. Already, I love this. 36:59.080 --> 37:00.480 Like, a wooden one or a… 37:00.560 --> 37:01.600 Uh, a rubber one. 37:01.680 --> 37:04.200 A rubber one? Just in your bag? 37:05.040 --> 37:08.080 I love it! I can't tell how old you are. 37:08.160 --> 37:10.560 Do you get sometimes a bit warm? 37:10.640 --> 37:13.319 Are you like, sort of… that kind of… 37:13.400 --> 37:16.560 "Need to prop a door open. Somebody get me a wedge." 37:18.799 --> 37:21.600 Are you… You're too young, I think. Are you a bit too young for that? 37:21.680 --> 37:23.000 It's for, like, hotel security. 37:23.080 --> 37:24.600 -When… -It's for hotel security? 37:24.680 --> 37:26.880 Hold the fuck… I'm in hotels all the time! 37:26.960 --> 37:28.839 Have I been unsafe? 37:28.920 --> 37:31.920 Where's the fucking risk assessor? We need you! 37:32.000 --> 37:33.880 Now… 37:33.960 --> 37:35.600 So you wedge the door shut, then? 37:35.680 --> 37:37.440 You're not, like, wedging it open in a hotel! 37:37.520 --> 37:38.720 "Come on in!" 37:40.000 --> 37:43.600 "Come on in, I'm lonely." So you wedge the door shut? 37:43.680 --> 37:45.839 -Sometimes they haven't got a latch on. -Shut up! 37:45.920 --> 37:47.680 They often don't have a latch on! 37:47.760 --> 37:50.440 And you're just taking it on trust that somebody's not gonna come in. 37:50.520 --> 37:52.200 -Yeah. -You don't fucking trust anybody. 37:52.280 --> 37:54.839 I like that. "Wedge that door shut." 37:54.920 --> 37:57.160 Now, let's ask the fire assessor. Hello, flower. 37:59.359 --> 38:01.920 Is this a fire hazard, to have the door wedged shut? 38:02.720 --> 38:03.960 Yes, it is. 38:06.960 --> 38:10.240 But I feel like you knew that, and you're willing to take the risk. 38:11.799 --> 38:14.799 'Cause the dangers are fire or men. Is that right? 38:15.880 --> 38:18.359 And you've gone, "I'll just take the fire. It's fine." 38:18.920 --> 38:22.040 I love how.… I'd never even thought to carry a wedge. 38:22.720 --> 38:25.440 My God, I'm in hotels all the time. I'm so unsafe. 38:25.960 --> 38:28.480 Thank you. You've changed my life, potentially. 38:29.080 --> 38:31.120 I'm probably gonna burn in a fire, but thanks. 38:33.040 --> 38:35.640 Round of applause, I love it. I love it, it's a good answer. 38:38.760 --> 38:40.799 Wait, other people over here, shout it again. 38:40.880 --> 38:42.960 -Cable ties. -Cable ties? 38:43.040 --> 38:44.440 Mmm. 38:48.560 --> 38:50.480 That's why you've got the wedge. 38:58.080 --> 39:01.960 Now, tell me your job, and let's hope it's fucking relevant. 39:03.319 --> 39:05.920 -Police officer. -You're a police officer. 39:06.440 --> 39:09.200 Still feels iffy as fuck, doesn't it? 39:09.720 --> 39:11.760 Have you got the keys to the fire brigade? 39:11.839 --> 39:13.120 No. Hah! 39:13.200 --> 39:14.120 Oh, you have! 39:14.200 --> 39:16.359 Oh my God, there's more than one set! 39:18.200 --> 39:19.640 The reason I've got them is because 39:19.720 --> 39:22.359 sometimes my baton holder falls off my kit belt. 39:22.440 --> 39:23.440 Hold on, hold on. 39:23.520 --> 39:25.760 The reason you've got them is because why? 39:25.839 --> 39:27.720 My baton holder sometimes falls off my kit belt. 39:27.799 --> 39:32.839 Your baton holder… sometimes falls off your kit belt? 39:32.920 --> 39:34.720 Is that what you just said? 39:38.120 --> 39:40.440 Fucking hell! Are you one of the Chuckle Brothers? 39:42.480 --> 39:44.480 Wh… Whoo! 39:47.160 --> 39:48.120 Are you… are you… 39:48.200 --> 39:50.080 Are you really police? 39:50.160 --> 39:52.200 Or do you just "work at the police station"? 39:53.000 --> 39:54.799 -I really am. -You're really police. 39:54.880 --> 39:57.440 What's your… grade? 39:57.520 --> 39:58.960 -What's the… -Rank. 39:59.040 --> 40:00.359 Thank you! Thank you! 40:00.440 --> 40:03.160 We'll cut that bit out. You won't get a credit. Sorry. 40:05.480 --> 40:07.120 Hey, what's your rank? 40:07.880 --> 40:09.720 -What's your rank? -PC. 40:09.799 --> 40:11.760 PC. Aww. Um… 40:11.839 --> 40:12.880 It's not very… 40:16.440 --> 40:17.960 Now you know… 40:18.040 --> 40:20.920 Now you're in a room of people who are laughing at you. 40:21.000 --> 40:22.720 "Whoo! Ooh!" Things falling off. 40:22.799 --> 40:25.040 Now you know why you haven't progressed. 40:27.799 --> 40:30.520 I feel so awful. He's got such a nice face. 40:30.600 --> 40:33.359 And someone… "That's how they lure you in!" 40:33.880 --> 40:35.160 -I'm… -Say again? 40:35.240 --> 40:36.920 I'm waiting for my sergeant's promotion. 40:37.000 --> 40:39.080 -You're waiting for promotion. -Aww! 40:39.160 --> 40:40.720 Don't clap! 40:40.799 --> 40:42.760 He's gonna drop his baton. 40:44.280 --> 40:47.160 Isn't it a good job we're not allowed guns here? 40:47.799 --> 40:49.880 You'd have no toes, would you, flower? 40:55.200 --> 40:57.560 I love… I love that. What was your original answer? 40:57.640 --> 41:00.000 I've forgotten 'cause I've asked you too many extra questions. 41:00.080 --> 41:01.440 -Cable ties. -Cable ties! 41:01.520 --> 41:03.200 Why have you got cable ties? 41:03.839 --> 41:06.600 To secure the baton holder to my belt. 41:08.120 --> 41:10.280 Why does it keep falling off, though? I don't understand. 41:10.359 --> 41:12.760 Sorry. It doesn't normally take this long. Sorry. 41:13.280 --> 41:14.880 Just they buy us shit ones. 41:14.960 --> 41:17.560 They buy shit ones. 41:19.000 --> 41:21.000 On the upside, though, I've still got a pocket 41:21.080 --> 41:24.080 that I can put my Vicks in for when I'm dealing with dead bodies. 41:26.680 --> 41:31.560 Did you just say, "On the upside, I've still got a pocket to put my Vicks in"? 41:32.480 --> 41:34.160 Jar, or… 41:34.240 --> 41:35.680 -No, jar. -Jar. 41:35.760 --> 41:37.440 Classic. Original. 41:37.520 --> 41:39.600 The OG. I like it! 41:41.920 --> 41:45.440 Are you a police constable locally? 41:45.520 --> 41:46.560 No. Good. 41:48.839 --> 41:52.160 You're all safe. Keep your wedge in. But you're all safe. 41:52.240 --> 41:54.359 Round of applause for the cable ties. Thank you. 41:54.440 --> 41:56.640 That was very fun indeed. 42:00.520 --> 42:02.160 Let me tell you one of my favorite answers. 42:02.240 --> 42:05.120 I was in York, and a lady right this side of the front row, 42:05.200 --> 42:07.600 I said, "What's the most unusual thing you have in your bag?" 42:07.680 --> 42:11.480 Lady on this side of the front row said, "Stilton cheese." 42:12.000 --> 42:13.240 And I said, "Is it wrapped?" 42:13.319 --> 42:16.040 And the man behind her said, "Not well enough." 42:21.000 --> 42:22.960 I chatted to her. She was funny, I liked her a lot. 42:23.040 --> 42:26.200 I said, "Can I ask what's the real reason you've got Stilton cheese in your bag?" 42:26.280 --> 42:27.839 She said, "It's for medical reasons." 42:27.920 --> 42:30.359 I was like, "That's clearly bullshit, right?" 42:30.880 --> 42:33.080 So I said, "Have we got any doctors and nurses in?" 42:33.160 --> 42:35.680 Loads of people went, "Yeah." I said, "Is there any medical reason 42:35.760 --> 42:37.880 why that lady would have Stilton cheese in her bag?" 42:37.960 --> 42:39.560 And they all went, "No!" 42:39.640 --> 42:42.200 Apart from one lady on this side of the front row gave me a wave. 42:42.280 --> 42:45.600 I said, "What do you do?" She said, "I'm a dermatologist. In my opinion…" 42:45.680 --> 42:47.440 I'm thinking, "Ooh, proper medical opinion." 42:47.520 --> 42:48.720 She said, "In my opinion, 42:48.799 --> 42:52.280 the only reason that lady would have Stilton cheese in her handbag 42:52.359 --> 42:54.400 is to mask the smell of her fanny." 43:03.120 --> 43:07.280 But, like, they were in the same row! Like, they could see each other! 43:08.760 --> 43:11.080 And I think in another crowd there might've been a fight, 43:11.160 --> 43:12.839 but because it was my lovely audience, 43:12.920 --> 43:14.760 the cheese lady just leant forward and she went, 43:14.839 --> 43:16.600 "She's probably right, it is a bit pongy." 43:21.520 --> 43:23.760 I had to take my dad for a hospital appointment recently. 43:23.839 --> 43:24.960 We're in the waiting area. 43:25.040 --> 43:27.240 The whole time, I was putting antibac on my dad's hands. 43:27.319 --> 43:29.040 Antibac on his hands, antibac on his hands. 43:29.120 --> 43:30.799 At one point, he looked down at his hands, 43:30.880 --> 43:34.319 and he went, "When I die, these'll still be alive." 43:36.000 --> 43:38.200 They told us we had to put latex gloves on his hands. 43:38.280 --> 43:40.400 They had a dispenser on the wall, small, medium, large. 43:40.480 --> 43:42.560 My dad's got proper sort of dad meat-shovel hands 43:42.640 --> 43:44.040 so obviously, I go for the large. 43:44.120 --> 43:46.640 I'm really struggling to get his hands in them, really struggling. 43:46.720 --> 43:48.520 It gave me flashbacks of last November 43:48.600 --> 43:52.240 when I was in John Lewis trying to get leather gloves for my hands, 43:52.319 --> 43:56.000 and the lady on the counter said, "Sorry, they just don't come that big." 43:57.000 --> 43:59.240 Fuck off. Cows are massive. 44:06.440 --> 44:09.200 But I'm really struggling to get these latex gloves on my dad's hands. 44:09.280 --> 44:10.720 At one point, he stopped me and went, 44:10.799 --> 44:12.560 "I never had this bother with Durex." 44:12.640 --> 44:13.760 Aaargh! 44:16.040 --> 44:18.440 But because this is my job, I automatically went, 44:18.520 --> 44:21.879 "No, Dad, you should say, 'I always had this bother with Durex.'" 44:21.960 --> 44:24.280 I made his joke better, his cock bigger, 44:24.359 --> 44:26.720 and it was harrowing for both of us. 44:30.520 --> 44:32.799 I've got a friend who's through her menopause, she's done, 44:32.879 --> 44:34.600 on the other side, she's having a great time. 44:34.680 --> 44:36.879 There'll be women in this room going through menopause, 44:36.960 --> 44:38.080 women in their perimenopause, 44:38.160 --> 44:40.040 there'll be women all done on the other side. 44:40.120 --> 44:43.120 There'll also be women like me who are still bleeding every fucking month. 44:43.200 --> 44:45.240 When is it my fucking turn? 44:45.319 --> 44:47.440 -Yeah! -Sick of this shit. 44:47.960 --> 44:50.960 I've even got a period app on my phone. Anybody else got a period app? 44:51.040 --> 44:53.640 -Yes! -Fucking useless, aren't they? 44:53.720 --> 44:57.120 Yeah, do you remember when we used to just write a P in our diaries? 44:57.640 --> 44:59.600 "No one will crack the code." 45:03.600 --> 45:05.799 "Even if I do it in a red pen." 45:08.280 --> 45:11.319 Period app needs a lot of information, asks a lot of questions, 45:11.400 --> 45:14.280 in order for it to come out with a fairly inaccurate calculation 45:14.359 --> 45:16.200 of when my next period is due. 45:16.280 --> 45:18.200 Some of the questions I find quite baffling. 45:18.280 --> 45:21.680 Uh, one of the questions it asks is, "What kind of sex are you having?" 45:22.200 --> 45:25.359 And I'm like, "What room? What hole? Narrow it down." 45:26.240 --> 45:29.680 Two answers to choose from. Unprotected and protected. 45:29.760 --> 45:33.120 The symbol for unprotected is flip-flops. 45:33.200 --> 45:35.240 What? 45:39.240 --> 45:41.280 The symbol for protected is wellies. 45:41.359 --> 45:43.480 What's happening? 45:45.120 --> 45:48.480 Are you asking if I've had sex or if I've been to Glastonbury? I don't know. 45:49.879 --> 45:52.160 Another much more reasonable question for a period app 45:52.240 --> 45:54.680 is, "How heavy is your flow?" Much more reasonable. 45:54.760 --> 45:57.160 Four answers to choose from for "How heavy is your flow?" 45:57.240 --> 45:58.319 Light, medium, heavy, 45:58.400 --> 45:59.520 and chunks. 46:03.440 --> 46:05.280 It's a great response. Some people are laughing. 46:05.359 --> 46:06.640 Some people are groaning. 46:06.720 --> 46:09.359 Some of the women are going, "She's right, it's true." 46:11.280 --> 46:14.240 The other night, we had a man right in the middle downstairs, went like this. 46:14.319 --> 46:16.319 "Urgh!" 46:17.080 --> 46:18.960 Fucking pussy. 46:22.040 --> 46:24.080 But I'm diligent. I answer all the questions, 46:24.160 --> 46:27.200 and then it'll sort of buffer, like the fanny calculator's thinking. 46:28.080 --> 46:30.960 And it'll say, "Your next period is due in four days." 46:31.040 --> 46:34.000 And I go, "Guess again, bitch," and I show my phone my gusset. 46:36.240 --> 46:38.839 Anybody else keep a sanitary towel on for longer than they should 46:38.920 --> 46:40.440 just 'cause it's comfy? 46:41.680 --> 46:44.799 But it's like a memory foam mattress for your fanny. 46:46.799 --> 46:48.359 That's right! 46:49.560 --> 46:52.040 But my friend who's through her menopause, she told me something. 46:52.120 --> 46:54.600 I don't think this is common knowledge. I hadn't heard it before. 46:54.680 --> 46:56.920 She told me that when you're through your menopause, 46:57.000 --> 46:58.040 all done and dusted, 46:58.120 --> 47:01.160 DFS send you a free white sofa. 47:07.640 --> 47:09.960 She was showing it off. She said, "Do you like my sofa?" 47:10.040 --> 47:12.200 I said, "It's lovely." She said, "You wanna sit on it?" 47:12.280 --> 47:14.520 I'd started my period. I was like, "No." She went, "Go on!" 47:14.600 --> 47:16.200 I said, "No, thanks." She went, "Go on!" 47:16.280 --> 47:19.160 I said, "Look, unless you want that to look like a Japanese fucking flag, 47:19.240 --> 47:20.960 I'd leave it be if I were you." 47:26.680 --> 47:28.680 She said, "Do you want a towel to sit on?" 47:28.760 --> 47:31.359 I said, "Hold on a minute," and I brought an Ibis hotel bath mat. 47:31.440 --> 47:33.200 Worked a fucking treat. 47:38.560 --> 47:40.000 I've never had a bikini wax. 47:40.080 --> 47:42.799 I've got a friend who's only had bikini waxes, for decades and decades. 47:42.879 --> 47:44.319 That's what she prefers. Fair enough. 47:44.400 --> 47:47.560 She told me she likes how clean it makes her feel. Nice reason. I like that a lot. 47:47.640 --> 47:50.319 She also told me in confidence… In confidence! 47:50.400 --> 47:53.280 I didn't say her name. Did I? 47:53.359 --> 47:55.000 No. Claire. No, good. 47:56.480 --> 47:58.359 She told me in confidence it gets very cold 47:58.440 --> 47:59.879 in her knickers in the winter months. 47:59.960 --> 48:01.720 I've offered… I'm still waiting to hear back, 48:01.799 --> 48:04.520 but I said, "I could make you a little wig out of my trimmings." 48:07.560 --> 48:09.480 It's a nice offer from a friend, isn't it? 48:11.080 --> 48:13.640 But the truth is, however you have your fanny is the right way. 48:13.720 --> 48:16.000 There's no wrong way. That's the glory of fannies. 48:16.080 --> 48:19.640 I tend to follow in a family tradition, of sorts. 48:22.240 --> 48:24.040 As my old grandma used to say, 48:24.120 --> 48:26.319 if your fanny was supposed to be neat and tidy, 48:26.400 --> 48:27.920 it'd be on your forehead. 48:40.160 --> 48:44.040 I found some old school reports from when I was about 12 or 13. 48:44.120 --> 48:47.520 I thought, "Wonder if there's anything in here that would shed any light 48:47.600 --> 48:51.440 on why I was quite so quiet as a child or why I'm quite so noisy now." 48:51.520 --> 48:54.080 Let me read you some bits from my school reports. 48:54.640 --> 48:55.839 Here we go. 48:55.920 --> 48:58.400 "The presentation of her written work could be neater, 48:58.480 --> 49:00.520 but the content is always well worth reading." 49:00.600 --> 49:03.040 That's basically saying I should talk for a living, I think. 49:03.720 --> 49:05.879 "She has a tendency to daydream slightly, 49:05.960 --> 49:09.640 but this hasn't prevented her from obtaining a satisfactory exam result." 49:09.720 --> 49:14.680 Maybe I was thinking and not daydreaming, Mrs. fucking Cook, you stupid fucking cow. 49:19.280 --> 49:22.680 And I haven't changed her name 'cause she's almost definitely dead. 49:23.640 --> 49:24.799 Yay! 49:28.200 --> 49:29.480 This is a bit left field. 49:29.560 --> 49:32.680 "She has a good grasp of the principles of choreography." 49:32.760 --> 49:34.600 No, she fucking doesn't. 49:35.200 --> 49:39.080 Next you're gonna tell me she's good at skiing that she's definitely never done. 49:39.160 --> 49:42.240 Now, you know you had your form teacher every day for the whole year. 49:42.319 --> 49:44.640 Not for very long every day, but every day nevertheless. 49:44.720 --> 49:47.440 In this particular school report, there was only space for one line. 49:47.520 --> 49:49.879 They could only sum that kid up in one line. That's so hard. 49:49.960 --> 49:52.080 They watched that kid grow as a student, as a person. 49:52.160 --> 49:53.960 How on earth to distill all that information 49:54.040 --> 49:56.600 you've learnt over that whole year down into just one sentence? 49:56.680 --> 49:57.879 That's so tricky. 49:58.400 --> 50:00.920 Turns out not that tricky at all. 50:01.440 --> 50:02.680 "She put a lot of effort 50:02.760 --> 50:04.480 into selling raffle tickets." 50:10.560 --> 50:11.960 For PE, It was just grades. 50:12.040 --> 50:15.879 Grades for the sports that you did, and your behavior, your qualities as well. 50:15.960 --> 50:17.200 Here we go. PE. 50:17.280 --> 50:18.680 "Effort, A." 50:18.760 --> 50:21.640 I like that they acknowledge that, even though I was shit at all of it, 50:21.720 --> 50:24.359 it was clearly the best I could do. 50:24.960 --> 50:27.040 "PE kit, A. Confidence, C." 50:27.120 --> 50:29.399 "Leadership, C." That rings true for me. 50:29.480 --> 50:30.720 "Rounders, C." 50:30.799 --> 50:32.680 "Badminton, B." Oh! 50:34.200 --> 50:35.640 "Netball, yes." 50:38.120 --> 50:41.120 I love it. It's like the teacher was going, "I remember she was there." 50:41.200 --> 50:45.200 Yeah. She was putting the balls back in the cupboard at the end, you stupid cow. 50:46.640 --> 50:49.839 If you do happen to have any of your old school reports knocking around at home, 50:49.920 --> 50:53.040 dig them out, go through them, get yourself a glass of wine. 50:53.120 --> 50:56.560 It's so cathartic to judge the people who once judged you. 50:56.640 --> 50:58.839 You remember a lot more than you think you will, as well. 50:58.920 --> 51:01.680 You end up going through it like, "She was a legend. He was a legend." 51:01.760 --> 51:03.240 "She's dead. Oh, that's a shame." 51:04.319 --> 51:06.040 "He's dead. That's not a shame." 51:06.879 --> 51:08.520 "Nonce, nonce, nonce." 51:12.319 --> 51:17.399 And finally, "Sarah needs to develop more self-confidence in her practical skills." 51:17.480 --> 51:20.920 That was in Home Economics. I know exactly what that's referring to. 51:21.000 --> 51:24.960 There was a day we had to make breakfast. Kids cooking sausages and poaching eggs. 51:25.040 --> 51:27.200 And I just did Frosties. 51:37.480 --> 51:39.120 I, uh… I don't like women's magazines. 51:39.200 --> 51:41.359 Haven't liked women's magazines for a long time. 51:41.440 --> 51:43.399 I think women's magazines are damaging. 51:43.480 --> 51:45.799 I think they're bullshit. I think they can fuck off. 51:45.879 --> 51:47.839 Oh, thanks. 51:49.799 --> 51:51.920 But every now and again, one's just put in front of you, 51:52.000 --> 51:53.560 at the hairdresser's, the dentist's. 51:53.640 --> 51:56.359 Sometimes I think, "I'll see what they think women do these days." 51:56.440 --> 51:58.680 And the last one I looked at was an older-lady magazine. 51:58.760 --> 52:00.680 So it still had Position of the Fortnight, 52:00.760 --> 52:03.319 but it was just sitting down having a cup of tea. 52:05.760 --> 52:09.120 They had an interview with a really powerful, impressive, successful woman, 52:09.200 --> 52:13.879 but the questions they asked her were so vacuous that it boiled my piss. 52:15.120 --> 52:18.280 I made a list of those questions, and I'm gonna answer them for you now. 52:18.359 --> 52:21.560 Here we go. Question number one "How do you feel about getting older?" 52:21.640 --> 52:23.799 Controversial, this. I quite like it. 52:23.879 --> 52:26.960 I like how I look, I like how I feel, and I point-blank refuse 52:27.040 --> 52:30.240 to feel ashamed for looking my fucking age. 52:30.319 --> 52:31.640 Thanks. 52:35.359 --> 52:37.280 "How do you stay in such great shape?" 52:37.359 --> 52:38.680 I eat loads. 52:42.480 --> 52:43.920 "Any plans to go under the knife?" 52:44.000 --> 52:46.680 No, I plan on going under the fork. 52:49.319 --> 52:50.960 "What's your relationship with your hair?" 52:51.040 --> 52:54.080 These are genuine questions. "What's your relationship with your hair?" 52:54.160 --> 52:55.960 I use so much dry shampoo, 52:56.040 --> 52:57.920 I can't always get my knickers on. 52:58.440 --> 53:00.040 Humph! 53:03.000 --> 53:05.000 "Would you take your child for a facial?" 53:05.080 --> 53:07.760 No, because it would get all matted in his fur. Aw. 53:09.799 --> 53:12.080 If you're home alone, what would you do? 53:12.160 --> 53:14.480 I'd rewatch season one of Bridgerton, 53:14.560 --> 53:16.879 wank myself off, and have a Twix. 53:23.040 --> 53:27.080 Still the best series, isn't it? Especially episodes five and seven. 53:29.799 --> 53:32.280 "And finally, what are your style secrets?" 53:32.359 --> 53:34.920 I have three pairs of leggings, and I sniffed all three 53:35.000 --> 53:38.760 to see which smell the least of piss to wear for you tonight! 53:47.080 --> 53:50.520 I think, to sum up, through the process of pulling together stories of me as a kid 53:50.600 --> 53:52.600 and stories about me now, I've come to the conclusion 53:52.680 --> 53:55.120 that I haven't really changed very much at all. 53:55.200 --> 53:57.680 A lot of things about me are exactly the same. 53:57.760 --> 53:59.560 Like, I still love cress. 54:00.440 --> 54:02.480 I still slightly love Jason Donovan. 54:03.879 --> 54:05.399 I still eat a lot of satsumas. 54:05.480 --> 54:07.680 They don't call them that these days. They call them easy… 54:07.760 --> 54:09.240 -What is it, easy… -Peelers. 54:09.319 --> 54:10.960 Chocolate Oranges, that's right. 54:17.200 --> 54:20.200 I still haven't been skiing. That woman is determined it was a skiing trip. 54:20.280 --> 54:22.760 There is a small possibility that I went on the skiing trip, 54:22.839 --> 54:24.080 just didn't do any skiing. 54:24.160 --> 54:28.480 Just stood at the side and then put the skis back in the cupboard at the end. 54:29.240 --> 54:32.240 I still haven't been fingered on a New Year's Eve! 54:32.319 --> 54:35.000 Join in if you know it. No? Uh… 54:35.520 --> 54:36.680 Still can't shower in public. 54:36.760 --> 54:38.680 I went on a spa weekend with a couple of friends. 54:38.760 --> 54:40.560 They're lovely women, but they're those people, 54:40.640 --> 54:43.080 like, "I'm just really comfortable with my body." Those people? 54:43.160 --> 54:44.799 "I'm just really comfortable with my body." 54:44.879 --> 54:46.240 What's the name for them? 54:46.319 --> 54:47.879 -Twats. -Twats! 54:52.879 --> 54:54.960 The word I was looking for was confident! 54:55.040 --> 54:56.680 But sure, let's go… 54:58.040 --> 54:59.839 Let's go with twats. 54:59.920 --> 55:02.600 They'd walk past all the private cubicles, just drying themselves 55:02.680 --> 55:05.160 in front of the sinks, in front of everybody, just drying, 55:05.240 --> 55:06.640 chatting away to each other. 55:06.720 --> 55:10.399 And I'm trying to join their conversation through a wooden slatted door. 55:11.760 --> 55:13.319 That I'd brought from home. 55:18.080 --> 55:22.560 But while I was quiet, almost invisible to some at school, I was different at home. 55:22.640 --> 55:24.520 Much more myself at home. I was happy at home. 55:24.600 --> 55:26.640 I was confident at home. I was funny at home, 55:26.720 --> 55:30.120 around the kitchen table, in front of my mam and my dad and my sister. 55:30.200 --> 55:32.399 I think the main difference between me then and me now 55:32.480 --> 55:35.120 is that my kitchen table just got a lot fucking bigger. 55:35.200 --> 55:37.280 I wish I could go back to that 12-year-old me. 55:37.359 --> 55:39.399 First of all, I'd be like, "Keep that blazer." 55:39.480 --> 55:43.040 "You'll really blend in when you work in the Jobcentre in your 20s." 55:43.560 --> 55:45.359 I'd love to go back to that 12-year-old me. 55:45.440 --> 55:47.879 I'd love to be able to say "Don't you worry about that bully." 55:47.960 --> 55:50.960 "'Cause first of all, she doesn't matter, right?" 55:51.040 --> 55:52.000 Yes. 55:52.080 --> 55:55.200 "And secondly, in 37 years' time, I'm going to travel the world 55:55.280 --> 55:58.240 and tell everybody what an absolute fucking bitch she was." 56:05.799 --> 56:08.560 The only sex advice my mam ever gave me, 56:08.640 --> 56:11.879 she said, "Remember, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to." 56:13.359 --> 56:15.440 Which is why I'm fat and my husband is sad. 56:22.359 --> 56:26.280 Let me tell you one more thing. Has anybody seen the TV program Open House? 56:26.359 --> 56:27.319 -Yes. -Yeah. 56:27.399 --> 56:29.839 If you haven't, you could be forgiven from the title Open House, 56:29.920 --> 56:31.240 for thinking it's a property show. 56:31.319 --> 56:34.560 It's not a property show. It's a Channel 4 sex documentary. 56:34.640 --> 56:35.680 It's not a property show. 56:35.760 --> 56:39.560 It's not like Phil and Kirstie's Erection, Erection, Erection. 56:40.560 --> 56:42.760 Homes Under the Helmet. 56:44.280 --> 56:46.120 Escape to the Cunt. 56:49.440 --> 56:51.080 It's a Channel 4 sex documentary. 56:51.160 --> 56:52.680 What happens in Open House is a couple, 56:52.760 --> 56:55.160 usually a heterosexual couple, will enter the Open House, 56:55.240 --> 56:57.520 which is full of sexually liberated people, 56:57.600 --> 57:00.399 with the idea they'll open up their relationship, have some group sex, 57:00.480 --> 57:02.600 experiment in various different ways. 57:02.680 --> 57:06.480 What it often is is a woman who's a former slag and misses it 57:07.760 --> 57:10.359 and a man who's trying to keep his marriage together. 57:10.440 --> 57:13.000 It's really quite romantic. 57:14.560 --> 57:16.399 The best one I've seen… I watch it just for you, 57:16.480 --> 57:18.440 for research purposes, you understand. 57:18.960 --> 57:21.520 The best one I've seen is a couple exactly as I described 57:21.600 --> 57:23.600 decide, in their wisdom, instead of having a foursome 57:23.680 --> 57:25.279 just them and another couple, 57:25.359 --> 57:29.759 they decide to have an orgy with everybody else who's in the Open House at that time. 57:29.839 --> 57:31.720 They walk into a room, which is dimly lit 57:31.799 --> 57:34.359 'cause some people know how to light a room for sex. 57:35.440 --> 57:37.319 And they're confronted with just a pile of people 57:37.399 --> 57:39.120 who've already started without them 57:39.200 --> 57:41.440 They're all, "Aaah! Uhhh!" 57:41.520 --> 57:43.319 "Ooh! Eeeh!" 57:49.240 --> 57:51.960 One clown in there, having the time of his fucking life. 57:56.240 --> 57:59.440 The woman in the couple immediately starts going down on another woman, 57:59.520 --> 58:01.680 just, "Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!" 58:01.759 --> 58:03.720 That's not the right sound, is it? 58:05.040 --> 58:06.919 I've never done that, but I've had it done to me, 58:07.000 --> 58:08.799 and I would not mind that sound at all. 58:08.879 --> 58:11.080 "Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!" 58:12.919 --> 58:16.200 You know, like when somebody's having corn on the cob? Yeah. 58:19.799 --> 58:22.359 So she's going down on this other lady, having a lovely time. 58:22.440 --> 58:24.120 The man is standing… 58:27.120 --> 58:29.120 looking for an in. 58:30.799 --> 58:33.520 It's one of the saddest things I think I've ever seen on television. 58:33.600 --> 58:36.480 It reminded me… You know before Christmas, when you do your last food shop, 58:36.560 --> 58:39.399 and you're driving round the car park looking for a space? 58:39.480 --> 58:41.359 It reminded me of that 'cause he was like this. 58:45.560 --> 58:47.759 "Is he pulling out? Is he pulling out?" 58:54.240 --> 58:56.480 "No, he's just straightening up." 58:58.120 --> 59:00.799 You've been amazing. Thank you so much. Lots of love. Goodnight. 59:00.879 --> 59:03.520 Thank you very much! Thank you very much. 59:03.600 --> 59:06.720 Thank you very much! 59:07.319 --> 59:08.279 Bye! 59:39.399 --> 59:41.160 Woo-hoo! very much!