WEBVTT

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Please welcome to the stage,
Sarah Millican!

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Aah!

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Thank you so much!

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So lovely!

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Aah!

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Thank you so much! That's so lovely.

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How are you? Are you well?

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-Yes!
-Give me a cheer if you're upstairs.

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-Whoo!
-That's pretty good.

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-Downstairs?
-Whoo!

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We're all here. Let's get started.

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Thank you so much for coming.
I was standing at the side there.

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Do you ever get where you can smell gravy
on yourself, but you can't find it?

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It's somewhere here. What's also alarming

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is I can smell a little bit
of piss as well.

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I can only assume
that's my leggings coming through my tits

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and quacking out the top,
that's what's happening there.

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Apologies to the people in the front row
if this is not what you're expecting.

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Maybe it's exactly what you're expecting.

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I never understand why people
get tickets for the front row for me.

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I know for other people,
it's a really good view,

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but for me, it's a terrible fucking angle.

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It's all tits and chins.

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And now piss as well.
Piss and tits and chins.

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You lucky buggers.

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You getting a strong whiff of it
all the way back there, are you, flower?

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I'm so sorry.
You're right in a direct line.

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I'll try not to quack at any point.

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I'm so sorry!

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My show, as you know,
is called Late Bloomer.

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I've always considered myself
to be a late bloomer.

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From what you understand
of the term already,

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give me a whoo if you think
you're a late bloomer like me.

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-Whoo!
-Oh, there's quite a few of you in. Okay.

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So I've been trying to work out
what the rest of you are.

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The Internet thinks the opposite
of a late bloomer is a child prodigy.

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I can see quite a lot of you down here.
I'm gonna say no to that.

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I think it's 'cause
they're basing it on education,

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when I think it's more to do with
how old you were when you first had sex.

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What's that, a sex prodigy?
That doesn't sound right, does it?

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Early slut? That's not very nice.

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The term I've come up with…
I think you're gonna like it.

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To me, if you're not a late bloomer,
you're an eager beaver.

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Some of you won't know which one you are.

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Luckily, I've made a handy list
to help you decide.

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Here we go. "Late bloomer,

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sweet 16 and never been kissed."

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"Eager beaver, sweet 16

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and already been fisted."

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There's loads over there!

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I was trying to work out
what the cutoff age is,

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if it is about when you first had sex.

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'Cause some people have sex for
the first time when they're quite young,

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and other people wait
and have it when they're a bit older.

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Wait? I'm not sure I waited.

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Rather just none was available to me

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when I was shopping for cock.

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"Your basket is empty."

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"Late bloomer, had no talents as a child."

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When I was a kid,
maybe 10 or 11 years old,

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we had a talent assembly at school
where whatever talent you had,

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you could perform it in the assembly.

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One little girl played the piano
'cause she'd had piano lessons.

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I don't know if I can hide
my hatred of her very well.

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Another little girl did ballet…

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…'cause she'd had ballet lessons.

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I hadn't had any of that kind of lesson.

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I was determined, though,
to be involved in the assembly.

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I told the teacher that my talent
was looking after animals,

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which is A, not a talent,

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and B, even if it is,
I'm not sure I had it,

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'cause they all died.

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I don't know how much is my fault. When
you're little, you have little animals.

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You have hamsters, budgies, rabbits.

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You have things that don't last.

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Live sounds better.
Things that don't live very long.

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Also you shouldn't keep a hamster
longer than it wants to stay.

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That's like the old saying,
"If you love someone…"

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"Let them go."

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"Bury them in the garden." That's right.

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"Eager beaver, however, tap dance from 5,

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clarinet at 7, netball team at 12,
disco dancing at 14,

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sucking cocks at 16."

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There's some at the back clapping already!

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"Late bloomer, first kiss very late."

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Now, for that, I don't count
hands or posters.

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I think your first kiss has to be another
person, generally speaking.

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Also, where do kids get their posters
from these days?

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There's no Woolworths, there's no Athena.

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Are they just kissing their phones?
Is that what they're doing?

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I used to spend many an hour on a Saturday
in Woolworths just doing this.

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It was like a very early Tinder,
wasn't it?

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"Swipe left for Chesney Hawkes."

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That's what late bloomers were doing
on Saturdays,

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while eager beavers were buying lipsticks
and touching winkies.

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Eager beaver, however, kissed everyone
sort of uncomfortably early.

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Sometimes I see a group of kids,
group of adults with the kids,

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and one adult will point
at one kid and go,

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"Eeh, look,
she's got herself a boyfriend!"

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And I think, "They're five years old,
you fucking weirdo perverts."

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"And it's her cousin.
What the fuck's happening here?"

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"Late bloomer,
never accidentally pregnant."

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Brace yourselves.

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"Eager beaver,

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many abortions."

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Now…

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Such a great reaction!

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You did what I call the "move-on laugh."

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"Ha ha ha! Ooh, no."

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I'm pro-abortion, it's fine.

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"Eager beaver, drank in the park,
even on a school night."

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"Phwoar!" Good response.

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"Late bloomer, drank only at Christmas,

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in full view of approving parents."

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"Eager beaver, saw New Year's Eve
as an opportunity

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to get fingered or a hand job
in a McDonald's toilet."

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Should auld acquaintance be forgot

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"Ten! Nine!"

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"Eight!"

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"Seven!"

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"Late bloomer, went out on New Year's Eve,

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but went home at 11:30 p.m.

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to see in the new year
with their parents."

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I did that. I was never once fingered
on a New Year's Eve.

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Sounds like a country and western song,
doesn't it?

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"Eager beaver, experimented with drugs."

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"Late bloomer, was on medication."

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And finally, "Late bloomer,
first sex toy after first divorce."

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"Eager beaver, got a voucher for Lovehoney
off their mam on their 17th birthday."

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The inspiration for this show
is a photograph.

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You know there were people we really liked
at school that we're still in touch with,

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and there were people we really hated at
school that we sort of hope are dead now.

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Then there's…

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Yes? Yes.

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Then the people in between
that we didn't know that well,

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but they seemed all right at the time.

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One of those girls in that last category
sent me a message on Facebook.

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She said, "I've got a photograph you're in
and I wondered if you'd like to see it."

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I said, "Yes, please."
She said, "It's from when we were 12."

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I'm 49 now, so the idea of seeing
a photograph of myself from so long ago

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is, of course, intriguing.
I said, "I'd love to see it."

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She said, "It's from when we went skiing
with the school in France."

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I've never been skiing.

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So now I'm thinking,
"Is it even me in the photograph

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or just another kid in glasses?"

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I know I've never been skiing 'cause it
involves three of the things I hate most.

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The cold, sport,

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hospitals.

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Actually, France.
Four of the things I hate the most.

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The photograph came through. It is me.

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I'd love to show you the photograph,
but in order to do that,

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I'd have to ask permission
of all the people in the photograph.

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And in order to do that, I'd have to talk
to people from school,

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and I'm not fucking doing it.

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So I'm gonna describe the photograph.
As you're looking at me,

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this is the photograph.
Four kids sitting along in a row,

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all aged 12 or thereabouts,
all sitting at a table.

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We'll start at this end.

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The first person on my left, your right,
is the girl who sent me the photograph.

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Let's call her Sam. She's called Deborah.

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It's fine.

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She's got a big smile on her face.

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It's a very '80s photograph,
taken in 1987.

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Everybody's in, like, crazy earrings,
chunky jumpers.

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There's evidence of nuggets
on the table in front of us.

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Don't know what they're called in France.

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Les nuggets de poulet. I don't know.

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She's got a big smile on her face, belly
full of nuggets, having a lovely time.

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Next to her is the prettiest boy
in school.

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The prettiest boy in school.

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And I sent a message to Sam, Deborah,
and I said,

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"Do you remember
we all used to fancy him?"

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She said, "Yeah."

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"Not now."

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I said, "What does that mean?" She said,
"I've looked him up on Facebook."

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"Not now."

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He peaked at 12.

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Eager beaver. Then there's me.

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Remember I said everybody's
in crazy earrings, chunky jumpers?

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Not me. I'm wearing a blazer.

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Not a school blazer
'cause I'm not at school.

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A fashion blazer.

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I can only imagine
I got it out of my sister's catalogue.

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She used to run a catalogue.

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Twenty-five pence a week,
for the rest of my natural life.

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Should check my bank statements.

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There is a strong chance
I am still paying for that now.

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I've got the sleeves pushed up.

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Sort of Miami Vice style.

00:10:19.040 --> 00:10:21.240 align:center
Uh… Thanks.

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Underneath the blazer is a blouse.

00:10:23.920 --> 00:10:26.480 align:center
I think this is why
I'm really good at being 49

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'cause I think
I might have always been 49.

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Not even finished.
On the blouse is a brooch.

00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:40.560 align:center
Not even a cool kid's brooch,
where it would be like,

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"Hey, I like the penguin on your lapel."

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No, a little lady's brooch
right at the top of the blouse.

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Keeping it shut, presumably
so that nobody could see my

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vest.

00:10:53.320 --> 00:10:54.719 align:center
What the fuck was I hiding up here?

00:10:54.800 --> 00:10:56.719 align:center
It was four more years
till I grew any tits.

00:10:56.800 --> 00:10:58.719 align:center
What the fuck was I hiding up here?

00:10:58.800 --> 00:11:02.400 align:center
Also, I'm not sure my tits have ever been
visible from up here.

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Down there, perhaps.

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Not up here.

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I've got my sleeves pushed up, I've got
my arms folded, and I look fucking livid.

00:11:13.920 --> 00:11:17.839 align:center
And I sent a message to Sam, Deborah,
and I said, "I look livid."

00:11:17.920 --> 00:11:20.600 align:center
She said, "You look
like an office manager."

00:11:22.680 --> 00:11:25.199 align:center
And she's right. I look like
maybe I couldn't get a boyfriend,

00:11:25.280 --> 00:11:27.000 align:center
but I bet I could have gotten a mortgage.

00:11:27.079 --> 00:11:28.880 align:center
That's what I look like.

00:11:29.760 --> 00:11:32.040 align:center
I look like the one in your friend
group, might even be you,

00:11:32.120 --> 00:11:35.360 align:center
you know the one who works out who owes
what on the bill at the end of the meal?

00:11:36.199 --> 00:11:39.719 align:center
She's not that sociable, just comes out
for the maths, that one. I look like her.

00:11:42.400 --> 00:11:44.719 align:center
But the reason I look so livid is apparent

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as soon as you realize
that the last person in the photograph

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on my right, your left, is my bully.

00:11:49.560 --> 00:11:51.640 align:center
And I thought,
"How did I get from there to here?"

00:11:51.719 --> 00:11:54.199 align:center
How did I get from there,
being so shy and lacking in confidence,

00:11:54.280 --> 00:11:57.120 align:center
I couldn't say to one of the other kids,
or a teacher, or a helper,

00:11:57.199 --> 00:11:59.760 align:center
"Can I sit beside you
'cause she's always awful to me?"

00:11:59.839 --> 00:12:02.480 align:center
I just sat there, just took it.
Yes, I was furious,

00:12:02.560 --> 00:12:05.400 align:center
bursting out my fucking brooch,
but I still just took it.

00:12:05.480 --> 00:12:06.959 align:center
How did I get from there to here?

00:12:07.040 --> 00:12:10.000 align:center
Here, which is essentially talking
to people I've never met before

00:12:10.079 --> 00:12:11.280 align:center
about my fanny.

00:12:12.959 --> 00:12:14.280 align:center
For money.

00:12:22.839 --> 00:12:23.880 align:center
So over the course of show,

00:12:23.959 --> 00:12:26.240 align:center
I'm gonna tell you stuff
about me as a kid, about me now,

00:12:26.320 --> 00:12:28.480 align:center
and try and work out
how I got from A to B.

00:12:28.560 --> 00:12:31.000 align:center
I had two good friends at school,
you don't need more than that.

00:12:31.079 --> 00:12:33.880 align:center
I also had pen pals. Anybody have
a pen pal when they were a kid?

00:12:33.959 --> 00:12:34.880 align:center
-Whoo!
-Yeah!

00:12:34.959 --> 00:12:37.400 align:center
So there was a company called
Transatlantic Pen Friends,

00:12:37.480 --> 00:12:40.120 align:center
where you could get an American pen pal.
I was excited by this.

00:12:40.199 --> 00:12:42.640 align:center
A lot of the television I watched
as a kid was American.

00:12:42.719 --> 00:12:45.959 align:center
I thought there was a pretty good chance
I was going to end up writing to Fonzie,

00:12:46.040 --> 00:12:47.360 align:center
that's what I thought.

00:12:48.199 --> 00:12:51.520 align:center
But how they matched you up with somebody
you'd have something in common with

00:12:51.599 --> 00:12:53.199 align:center
is you sent a list of favorite things.

00:12:53.280 --> 00:12:55.199 align:center
Everybody did the same,
and they paired you off.

00:12:55.280 --> 00:12:58.160 align:center
The boy they matched me up with
was a similar age to me,

00:12:58.240 --> 00:13:01.320 align:center
but number one on his list
of favorite things

00:13:01.400 --> 00:13:03.800 align:center
was the word "knives."

00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:07.360 align:center
Hey, America's different, isn't it?

00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:09.040 align:center
Mine was "satsumas."

00:13:12.680 --> 00:13:14.400 align:center
Compared to his list,
mine was so innocent.

00:13:14.480 --> 00:13:18.320 align:center
Oh my God, it was so innocent.
Mine was "satsumas, stationery,

00:13:18.400 --> 00:13:22.040 align:center
uh, Rolf's Cartoon Club, Jim'll Fix It,
and The Cosby Show."

00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:33.920 align:center
I was also in Gary Glitter's gang.

00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:41.560 align:center
I put my back out a while ago.
When some people put their backs out,

00:13:41.640 --> 00:13:43.680 align:center
they're in agonizing pain,
laid up for months.

00:13:43.760 --> 00:13:46.560 align:center
If that's you, you have my sympathy.
Thankfully, it's not so bad for me.

00:13:46.640 --> 00:13:48.440 align:center
I basically pulled something in my back

00:13:48.520 --> 00:13:50.240 align:center
that meant things were tricky
for a few days.

00:13:50.320 --> 00:13:53.040 align:center
I know exactly how I did it, though.
I put my back out

00:13:53.120 --> 00:13:54.719 align:center
trimming my pubes.

00:13:56.480 --> 00:13:59.880 align:center
'Cause the fatter you get,
the further away they are.

00:14:01.079 --> 00:14:03.440 align:center
I texted my friend,
'cause I thought it was hilarious,

00:14:03.520 --> 00:14:06.120 align:center
"I think I just put my back out
trimming my pubes."

00:14:06.199 --> 00:14:08.280 align:center
And she replied
with the weirdest question.

00:14:08.360 --> 00:14:10.520 align:center
She just replied, "Front to back?"

00:14:16.640 --> 00:14:19.280 align:center
I said, "Well, I didn't section it off
like a hairdresser does,

00:14:19.360 --> 00:14:20.959 align:center
if that's what you mean."

00:14:26.079 --> 00:14:29.079 align:center
But you know how doctors'
receptionists are bitches?

00:14:29.599 --> 00:14:30.560 align:center
Yeah!

00:14:30.640 --> 00:14:34.360 align:center
It's not my opinion, it's just a fact
in the world. They're all bitches.

00:14:34.439 --> 00:14:36.040 align:center
I had to ring up to book a smear test.

00:14:36.120 --> 00:14:38.360 align:center
The receptionist
booked the appointment no trouble.

00:14:38.439 --> 00:14:41.599 align:center
Then she said, "Just to let you know,
for the two weeks before the smear test,

00:14:41.680 --> 00:14:43.280 align:center
you're not allowed to have any sex."

00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:44.520 align:center
-Huh?
-Thank you!

00:14:44.599 --> 00:14:46.880 align:center
Somebody over there went, "Huh?"
Thank you!

00:14:47.400 --> 00:14:50.319 align:center
I never heard that before. I said that
to the lady. "Can you tell me why?"

00:14:50.400 --> 00:14:53.520 align:center
She said, "I'm sorry, I can't. It's what
we're told to say when we book the test."

00:14:53.599 --> 00:14:56.240 align:center
Okay. So two weeks go by,
something with work crops up,

00:14:56.319 --> 00:14:58.319 align:center
I have to re-book,
ends up being four weeks.

00:14:58.400 --> 00:14:59.880 align:center
"Boo-hoo!" I don't know what that is.

00:15:01.640 --> 00:15:04.400 align:center
I think I'm trying to show you
what a sad vagina looks like.

00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:11.640 align:center
"Your basket is still empty."

00:15:15.599 --> 00:15:17.479 align:center
So four weeks go by,
I go in for the appointment.

00:15:17.560 --> 00:15:18.839 align:center
I'm sitting with a lovely nurse.

00:15:18.920 --> 00:15:21.120 align:center
She said, "Before we start,
have you got any questions?"

00:15:21.199 --> 00:15:23.400 align:center
I said, "I have, actually.
When I booked this appointment,

00:15:23.479 --> 00:15:26.640 align:center
the receptionist told me that
for the two weeks before the smear test,

00:15:26.719 --> 00:15:28.560 align:center
I'm not allowed to have any sex.
Is that true?"

00:15:28.640 --> 00:15:30.640 align:center
She said no. Fucking bitches.

00:15:30.719 --> 00:15:32.560 align:center
Fucking bitches.

00:15:39.040 --> 00:15:41.760 align:center
When I first had that information,
I mentioned it to one of my friends,

00:15:41.839 --> 00:15:43.959 align:center
and she said, "Do they mean
you have to stop everything

00:15:44.040 --> 00:15:45.439 align:center
or just the jizzy stuff?"

00:15:51.400 --> 00:15:54.520 align:center
I think I've given you a pretty good idea
of what I was like as a kid already,

00:15:54.599 --> 00:15:57.479 align:center
but allow me to color that in
a bit further for you, if I may.

00:15:57.560 --> 00:16:01.000 align:center
"I was the kid who sat
at the front of the bus on school trips

00:16:01.079 --> 00:16:03.079 align:center
to talk to the driver."

00:16:04.920 --> 00:16:07.319 align:center
And vomit in the bucket.

00:16:07.839 --> 00:16:09.760 align:center
I mentioned this
to one of my friends. She said,

00:16:09.839 --> 00:16:12.160 align:center
"Was there a bucket
at the front of the bus?" I said, "Yeah."

00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:15.199 align:center
"What were you doing?" She said,
"Flashing my tits at the lorry drivers."

00:16:18.160 --> 00:16:21.959 align:center
"I was the kid who was put on a table
of tricksy kids to keep them in line."

00:16:22.040 --> 00:16:26.240 align:center
I was part teaching assistant,
part ADHD meds.

00:16:26.839 --> 00:16:29.479 align:center
There was one boy on that table
who used to sneeze on the table

00:16:29.560 --> 00:16:30.680 align:center
and rub it in.

00:16:32.199 --> 00:16:34.880 align:center
And years and years later,
he asked me out in a nightclub,

00:16:34.959 --> 00:16:38.079 align:center
and all I could think of was,
"What would he rub on the table now?"

00:16:40.640 --> 00:16:42.400 align:center
He's a French polisher now.

00:16:45.439 --> 00:16:47.599 align:center
"While other girls were growing pubes,

00:16:47.680 --> 00:16:50.040 align:center
I was growing cress in an egg."

00:16:51.120 --> 00:16:53.040 align:center
Sticking it on. No!

00:16:54.000 --> 00:16:56.560 align:center
It's a good idea.
I wish I'd had it at the time.

00:16:57.599 --> 00:17:00.120 align:center
"While other girls were being
fingered behind the bike sheds,

00:17:00.199 --> 00:17:02.640 align:center
I couldn't even ride a bike."

00:17:03.280 --> 00:17:06.399 align:center
I didn't know where the bike sheds were.

00:17:06.480 --> 00:17:10.560 align:center
What if there were fingers
lined up for me there as well?

00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:12.880 align:center
I mean, I'm not a parent,
but if you have got kids,

00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:14.399 align:center
teach them how to ride a bike

00:17:14.480 --> 00:17:18.359 align:center
'cause if you don't, it's gonna
affect them in so many different ways.

00:17:19.640 --> 00:17:22.480 align:center
"I lied about my age
to get into Jason Donovan."

00:17:22.560 --> 00:17:24.960 align:center
The concert, not the man.

00:17:29.040 --> 00:17:31.919 align:center
And finally,
does anybody remember More magazine?

00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:32.840 align:center
-Yes!
-Yes.

00:17:32.919 --> 00:17:35.640 align:center
So, if you don't know More magazine,
it was a late-teen magazine,

00:17:35.720 --> 00:17:38.040 align:center
it was fortnightly,
had a very famous page,

00:17:38.120 --> 00:17:39.760 align:center
Position of the Fortnight,

00:17:40.280 --> 00:17:43.120 align:center
which was a weird pencil drawing
of a couple having sex

00:17:43.200 --> 00:17:44.800 align:center
in a variety of different ways.

00:17:44.880 --> 00:17:48.280 align:center
I was looking at this every two weeks.
I hadn't had my first kiss yet.

00:17:48.800 --> 00:17:52.560 align:center
Didn't need More magazine,
I needed fucking Any magazine.

00:17:53.080 --> 00:17:56.240 align:center
Also, how confident are you when you start
a magazine with a column like that,

00:17:56.320 --> 00:17:57.800 align:center
that you know enough positions?

00:17:57.880 --> 00:18:01.600 align:center
That magazine ran for 25 years.

00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:03.159 align:center
I, as an adult,

00:18:03.240 --> 00:18:06.320 align:center
only know five positions.

00:18:06.399 --> 00:18:08.240 align:center
I only do two.

00:18:10.399 --> 00:18:11.360 align:center
One.

00:18:19.120 --> 00:18:21.159 align:center
Unless it's a birthday.

00:18:22.560 --> 00:18:24.360 align:center
My birthday.

00:18:25.480 --> 00:18:28.480 align:center
For my last birthday,
I requested the wheelbarrow.

00:18:28.560 --> 00:18:30.840 align:center
Don't know if you're familiar
with the wheelbarrow?

00:18:30.919 --> 00:18:32.960 align:center
Would not recommend.

00:18:34.360 --> 00:18:35.720 align:center
My husband put his back out,

00:18:35.800 --> 00:18:38.120 align:center
and I got carpet burns on my nipples.

00:18:47.399 --> 00:18:51.560 align:center
I don't think everybody in our house knows
how to use a toilet brush correctly.

00:18:52.080 --> 00:18:53.960 align:center
There's only two of us, and I'm fine.

00:18:55.679 --> 00:18:58.240 align:center
For example, the last time I pulled it
out the… What is it called?

00:18:58.320 --> 00:18:59.640 align:center
The holder? Is it the holder?

00:18:59.720 --> 00:19:01.200 align:center
-Yes.
-You know what I mean?

00:19:01.280 --> 00:19:03.320 align:center
Where the poo soup lives. Yeah.

00:19:08.600 --> 00:19:13.159 align:center
If you are horrified by that,
hold on tight, guys!

00:19:16.000 --> 00:19:17.640 align:center
The last time I pulled it out the holder,

00:19:17.720 --> 00:19:20.000 align:center
it looked like a fucking cake pop.

00:19:25.320 --> 00:19:29.320 align:center
"Can't use that now.
It's gonna put more poo on the toilet."

00:19:29.399 --> 00:19:32.040 align:center
"Also, how is he building it up so much?"

00:19:32.120 --> 00:19:33.600 align:center
I have to stop doing that.

00:19:33.679 --> 00:19:36.440 align:center
I'm worried I'm gonna put people
off candy floss for life.

00:19:36.520 --> 00:19:38.040 align:center
Ah!

00:19:38.600 --> 00:19:40.480 align:center
How am I supposed
to clean it when it's that bad?

00:19:40.560 --> 00:19:43.480 align:center
Is it like a hairbrush?
Do I have to comb it through?

00:19:43.560 --> 00:19:45.640 align:center
No, no.

00:19:45.720 --> 00:19:48.080 align:center
What about if I popped it
in the dishwasher?

00:19:48.600 --> 00:19:49.440 align:center
No?

00:19:49.520 --> 00:19:53.240 align:center
I thought I could lie it flat on the top
with all my vibrators and my big spoons.

00:19:57.840 --> 00:19:59.679 align:center
Transpires that before he met me,

00:19:59.760 --> 00:20:01.840 align:center
my husband used to think
the toilet brush was used

00:20:01.919 --> 00:20:03.399 align:center
for unblocking the toilet.

00:20:04.200 --> 00:20:07.520 align:center
Everybody knows if you need
to unblock a toilet, you need a vacuum.

00:20:08.200 --> 00:20:10.360 align:center
No, not like a hoover.

00:20:10.440 --> 00:20:12.440 align:center
Imagine Henry's face.

00:20:15.720 --> 00:20:18.040 align:center
You need to create a vacuum,
is what I should have said.

00:20:18.120 --> 00:20:21.720 align:center
Some of you looking at me like you never
had a big shit in your life. Fuck off.

00:20:22.760 --> 00:20:24.840 align:center
So now we've got a plunger in every room.

00:20:24.919 --> 00:20:26.480 align:center
Every bathroom, not every room.

00:20:27.919 --> 00:20:31.840 align:center
Just one by the side of the bed, just in
case we're fucking and he gets stuck.

00:20:37.919 --> 00:20:40.520 align:center
But it's not that long ago
that my husband found out

00:20:40.600 --> 00:20:43.640 align:center
that the towels
he brought into our relationship

00:20:43.720 --> 00:20:45.679 align:center
have gone to live on a farm.

00:20:47.480 --> 00:20:48.840 align:center
Two towels, both bath towels.

00:20:48.919 --> 00:20:51.159 align:center
One had Elvis on it,
one had Aston Villa on it,

00:20:51.240 --> 00:20:53.360 align:center
and they hung on a hook each
in his bathroom,

00:20:53.440 --> 00:20:55.120 align:center
and they were what could only be described

00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:56.399 align:center
as crispy.

00:20:57.880 --> 00:20:59.960 align:center
So much so that I knocked one
off the hook one day,

00:21:00.040 --> 00:21:02.040 align:center
and it landed and held its shape.

00:21:03.480 --> 00:21:07.080 align:center
Like a ghost.
Like his bathroom was haunted.

00:21:08.120 --> 00:21:11.200 align:center
Early in our relationship, one day I said,
"Have you got a towel I could borrow?

00:21:11.280 --> 00:21:13.240 align:center
He said, "Use either
of the ones in the bathroom."

00:21:13.320 --> 00:21:15.840 align:center
And I was like, "What if I like my skin?"

00:21:16.360 --> 00:21:18.120 align:center
He looked in the cupboard
for any alternative.

00:21:18.200 --> 00:21:20.159 align:center
He found what looked like
a small white hand towel.

00:21:20.240 --> 00:21:22.280 align:center
I thought, "That'll have to do."
But when I opened it,

00:21:22.360 --> 00:21:25.000 align:center
it turned out to be
an Ibis hotel bath mat.

00:21:25.080 --> 00:21:26.720 align:center
For fuck's sake.

00:21:29.960 --> 00:21:31.960 align:center
Things were very different for him
before he met me.

00:21:32.040 --> 00:21:34.159 align:center
He used to have black bedsheets.

00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:36.919 align:center
And not like in a…
Mr. Lover Loverkind of way.

00:21:37.000 --> 00:21:39.520 align:center
Just George at Asda cotton black sheets.

00:21:39.600 --> 00:21:42.040 align:center
His reasoning was that
they wouldn't show anything up.

00:21:44.679 --> 00:21:47.040 align:center
You know what they did show up? Jizz.

00:21:49.080 --> 00:21:52.080 align:center
If anything,
they were jizz-enhancing sheets.

00:21:53.040 --> 00:21:55.120 align:center
Looked like a Bob Ross painting.

00:21:57.560 --> 00:22:00.200 align:center
One day, I thought I'd seen Jesus's face.

00:22:02.600 --> 00:22:04.000 align:center
Which presumably would count

00:22:04.080 --> 00:22:05.159 align:center
as the second coming.

00:22:14.919 --> 00:22:17.240 align:center
At school… I don't know
if this is just my school or area.

00:22:17.320 --> 00:22:19.280 align:center
Let's find out.
This is just for the ladies.

00:22:19.360 --> 00:22:22.080 align:center
Give me a whoo
if, when you did PE at school,

00:22:22.159 --> 00:22:24.159 align:center
you had to have a shower afterwards.

00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:27.240 align:center
-Whoo!
-Give a whoo if that shower was communal.

00:22:27.320 --> 00:22:28.560 align:center
-Whoo!
-Okay.

00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:32.480 align:center
I had two problems with the showers.
The first was I don't think I did enough

00:22:32.560 --> 00:22:33.919 align:center
in PE

00:22:35.080 --> 00:22:37.320 align:center
to warrant a shower.

00:22:38.560 --> 00:22:41.679 align:center
Starting at the side and then putting
the balls back in the cupboard at the end

00:22:41.760 --> 00:22:44.120 align:center
did not make me very sweaty.

00:22:44.200 --> 00:22:47.200 align:center
Second problem I had was that
I was very underdeveloped at that age.

00:22:47.280 --> 00:22:50.720 align:center
Uh, I was very self-conscious of that.
I didn't get boobs and pubes…

00:22:50.800 --> 00:22:52.159 align:center
Ooh, it rhymes!

00:22:52.240 --> 00:22:54.679 align:center
Shoulders, knees and toes
Knees and toes

00:22:54.760 --> 00:22:58.080 align:center
Didn't get boobs and pubes
until I got my GCSEs.

00:22:58.159 --> 00:22:59.960 align:center
Not, like, as a "Well done."

00:23:01.360 --> 00:23:04.040 align:center
"You've done quite well in your exams.
Have some tits and hair."

00:23:04.120 --> 00:23:06.360 align:center
"Just take whatever you like out the bag."

00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:09.600 align:center
"Ooh, there's a little bit
of hair left. Uh…"

00:23:14.439 --> 00:23:17.560 align:center
But because of puberty, there were girls
in my year that looked like proper women.

00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:20.520 align:center
I just looked like a young girl.
So I'd wrap a towel around myself.

00:23:20.600 --> 00:23:22.880 align:center
I'd keep the towel wrapped.
I'd go into the shower area.

00:23:22.960 --> 00:23:26.200 align:center
I'd splash my shoulders and I'd splash
my feet, and try and get away with that.

00:23:26.280 --> 00:23:28.520 align:center
But give me a whoo
if sometimes your teacher watched.

00:23:28.600 --> 00:23:30.000 align:center
-Whoo!
-Yeah!

00:23:30.080 --> 00:23:33.840 align:center
We call them pedophiles now.
A friend who's Australian said,

00:23:33.919 --> 00:23:35.600 align:center
"It's not like that in Australia.
Terrible."

00:23:35.679 --> 00:23:37.919 align:center
I said, "I know it's terrible.
I was just so self-conscious

00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:39.640 align:center
'cause I didn't have any boobs and pubes."

00:23:39.720 --> 00:23:43.000 align:center
She said, "Well, you've made up
for lost time there, haven't you?"

00:23:43.080 --> 00:23:44.919 align:center
I was like,
"I'm assuming she means my tits."

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:47.520 align:center
"I'm not sure she's seen my pubes."

00:23:47.600 --> 00:23:49.919 align:center
Although she does know
I haven't put my back out in a while.

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:52.399 align:center
So she's just done
a rough calculation there.

00:23:52.919 --> 00:23:55.600 align:center
She said, "I bet you'd have a shower
with all those people now."

00:23:55.679 --> 00:24:00.240 align:center
I said, "That would be the weirdest ever
response to a school reunion invitation."

00:24:01.840 --> 00:24:03.360 align:center
"Sure, I'll come to the pub with you."

00:24:03.439 --> 00:24:05.360 align:center
"Do you mind if first,
we have a shower together?"

00:24:05.439 --> 00:24:08.640 align:center
"'Cause I've been growing some stuff
I think you're gonna wanna see."

00:24:09.960 --> 00:24:13.800 align:center
"So many pubes now, some of them
are coming out my fucking chin."

00:24:13.880 --> 00:24:16.040 align:center
It's true.

00:24:20.080 --> 00:24:22.240 align:center
Love a big handbag.
Haven't always loved a big handbag.

00:24:22.320 --> 00:24:24.080 align:center
When I was sort of late teens, early 20s,

00:24:24.159 --> 00:24:25.960 align:center
I had… you know the kind
that goes across you?

00:24:26.040 --> 00:24:27.439 align:center
I had one of those smaller bags.

00:24:27.520 --> 00:24:30.800 align:center
It felt important at that age to have my
hands free for whatever life threw at me.

00:24:30.880 --> 00:24:34.840 align:center
I was ready. Be it opportunity or danger,
I was fucking ready.

00:24:34.919 --> 00:24:37.640 align:center
I wanted to be able
to pick up a pound coin, peel a satsuma,

00:24:37.720 --> 00:24:40.880 align:center
punch a rapist,
all the things I thought might come up.

00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:42.600 align:center
Now, though, I prefer a big handbag

00:24:42.679 --> 00:24:44.600 align:center
that can contain everything
I could possibly need.

00:24:44.679 --> 00:24:46.600 align:center
Give me a whoo if you like a big handbag?

00:24:46.679 --> 00:24:48.600 align:center
-Whoo!
-Small handbag?

00:24:48.679 --> 00:24:50.439 align:center
-Whoo!
-Prefer no handbag?

00:24:50.520 --> 00:24:52.679 align:center
-Whoo!
-You're the people that scare me most.

00:24:52.760 --> 00:24:55.320 align:center
'Cause you're not prepared
for fucking anything at all.

00:24:56.240 --> 00:24:59.040 align:center
I have a friend who has a small handbag.
We were comparing our bags.

00:24:59.120 --> 00:25:03.679 align:center
She noticed that my purse was
the same size as her handbag.

00:25:03.760 --> 00:25:05.919 align:center
And just to give you an idea,
my purse is the same size

00:25:06.000 --> 00:25:08.679 align:center
as the one my nana used
to run after the ice-cream van with.

00:25:08.760 --> 00:25:13.679 align:center
You know, massive and can be used
as an improvised weapon if needs be.

00:25:14.199 --> 00:25:16.880 align:center
She said, "You can't need everything
that's in that." I said, "I do."

00:25:16.960 --> 00:25:20.240 align:center
"I've got bank cards. Other bank cards
in case the first bank cards don't work."

00:25:20.320 --> 00:25:22.679 align:center
"I've got cash
in case none of the bank cards work."

00:25:22.760 --> 00:25:25.880 align:center
"I've got gift cards.
I've got Clubcards. I've got stamps."

00:25:25.960 --> 00:25:29.800 align:center
And she went,
"Do you not just use Apple Pay?"

00:25:29.880 --> 00:25:32.240 align:center
"Neh-neh-neh-neh-neh."

00:25:33.679 --> 00:25:35.520 align:center
I said, "No, 'cause
I decided two years ago

00:25:35.600 --> 00:25:37.439 align:center
to not learn anything new ever again,

00:25:37.520 --> 00:25:39.080 align:center
and I'm fucking loving it."

00:25:40.439 --> 00:25:42.880 align:center
I said, "In that little bag,
you must have your house keys?"

00:25:42.960 --> 00:25:46.720 align:center
She said, "Yeah." She brought out one
solitary key. No key ring attached.

00:25:46.800 --> 00:25:49.159 align:center
I said, "My first worry is
how you're going to defend yourself

00:25:49.240 --> 00:25:51.520 align:center
if you have to get the last bus home
late at night."

00:25:51.600 --> 00:25:54.399 align:center
That's what we're taught. You put
your keys between all your fingers.

00:25:54.480 --> 00:25:57.760 align:center
One key! She's going to have
to hope she's got good aim.

00:25:58.679 --> 00:26:01.280 align:center
Just gouge his fucking eye out.

00:26:01.360 --> 00:26:04.000 align:center
"Excuse me, Mr. Rapist, do you mind
taking your glasses off, please?"

00:26:04.080 --> 00:26:06.480 align:center
"Thank you."
But that's what we're taught, isn't it?

00:26:06.560 --> 00:26:08.919 align:center
We're taught you put your keys
between all your fingers.

00:26:09.000 --> 00:26:10.600 align:center
That's what we're taught, and claw down.

00:26:10.679 --> 00:26:13.840 align:center
From what, 14 or 15?
It's great being a woman.

00:26:14.360 --> 00:26:15.960 align:center
And I worked in a shop in my 20s.

00:26:16.040 --> 00:26:18.159 align:center
There was a lady,
a bit older than me, worked there,

00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:19.560 align:center
and she said to me one day,

00:26:19.640 --> 00:26:22.640 align:center
"You should only ever wear shoes
you can run in."

00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:25.159 align:center
How fucking bleak is that?

00:26:25.679 --> 00:26:28.360 align:center
I said it back to her, 'cause I wanted her
to hear how bad it sounded.

00:26:28.439 --> 00:26:31.520 align:center
I said, "You think I should only
ever wear shoes that I…

00:26:32.040 --> 00:26:34.960 align:center
I can run in?"

00:26:35.040 --> 00:26:38.240 align:center
"You want me to wear magic shoes?"

00:26:44.120 --> 00:26:47.240 align:center
But I brought out my set of keys to show
my friend. I look like I run a jail.

00:26:47.320 --> 00:26:50.760 align:center
I have emergency keys
for four other people's houses.

00:26:50.840 --> 00:26:53.240 align:center
My friend said, "You don't carry them
all the time, though."

00:26:53.320 --> 00:26:57.159 align:center
I said, "Yes I do 'cause I take
emergencies fucking seriously."

00:26:57.679 --> 00:26:59.720 align:center
Same friend, out for the day,
having a lovely day.

00:26:59.800 --> 00:27:02.040 align:center
She started her period.
Wasn't expecting to.

00:27:02.120 --> 00:27:04.679 align:center
Didn't have anything with her
in her stupid little bag.

00:27:05.199 --> 00:27:08.000 align:center
My first thought was, "She's going
to have to use her stupid little bag

00:27:08.080 --> 00:27:10.199 align:center
as a sanitary towel."

00:27:12.560 --> 00:27:15.640 align:center
But she looked at me all sad eyed. She
said, "I haven't got anything with me."

00:27:15.720 --> 00:27:17.880 align:center
"Have you got anything?"
I said, "What do you think?"

00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:20.919 align:center
"I've got 12 nighttime towels."

00:27:23.000 --> 00:27:26.439 align:center
Wasn't even due on for two more weeks.
That's how fucking ready I am!

00:27:27.600 --> 00:27:29.439 align:center
But for example,
with what I have in my bag

00:27:29.520 --> 00:27:32.240 align:center
that I brought here today,
if 12 of you started your period,

00:27:32.320 --> 00:27:33.679 align:center
I can sort you out.

00:27:33.760 --> 00:27:35.760 align:center
I've got your back.
Well, it's a nighttime towel.

00:27:35.840 --> 00:27:38.439 align:center
I've got your front as well.
They're fucking massive, aren't they?

00:27:40.360 --> 00:27:43.679 align:center
"Just take this canoe
and try and hold it in place."

00:27:47.760 --> 00:27:50.080 align:center
If six of you got a blister,
I can sort you out.

00:27:50.159 --> 00:27:52.720 align:center
Not just a pissy little plaster, either.
A fucking Compeed.

00:27:52.800 --> 00:27:55.560 align:center
I can give six of you a fucking Compeed.

00:27:55.640 --> 00:27:57.720 align:center
The sort you can't even
peel off in the shower.

00:27:57.800 --> 00:28:00.399 align:center
You just have
to eventually shed them like a snake.

00:28:03.439 --> 00:28:06.240 align:center
If 28 of you needed a pen…

00:28:08.679 --> 00:28:11.199 align:center
I can do it. I'm not even ashamed.

00:28:11.720 --> 00:28:13.399 align:center
If you've got the shits,
I can sort you out.

00:28:13.480 --> 00:28:16.120 align:center
I've got two different types of Imodium.

00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:19.320 align:center
I've got Imodium Instant
and Imodium Classic.

00:28:19.399 --> 00:28:22.679 align:center
Does anybody know
why Imodium Classic still exists?

00:28:22.760 --> 00:28:27.280 align:center
Who is thinking,
"I'd like my diarrhea to stop

00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:29.320 align:center
but in a while"?

00:28:38.159 --> 00:28:40.800 align:center
If any of you haven't had a shit today
but would like one before bed,

00:28:40.880 --> 00:28:43.120 align:center
I've got fucking Senokot.

00:28:47.280 --> 00:28:52.040 align:center
Interestingly, Senokot
never brought out an instant range.

00:28:53.159 --> 00:28:55.040 align:center
'Cause it would just be like this.
"Ha ha ha!"

00:28:55.120 --> 00:28:56.520 align:center
Bam! "Fuck!"

00:28:59.520 --> 00:29:01.560 align:center
"Glad I've got my canoe on."

00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:08.120 align:center
I would like to talk to you,

00:29:08.199 --> 00:29:10.439 align:center
see if anybody in this beautiful room
of glorious people

00:29:10.520 --> 00:29:13.879 align:center
would like to shout out an unusual thing
that you have in your bag.

00:29:13.959 --> 00:29:17.360 align:center
It doesn't just have to be a handbag.
It can be a bum bag, backpack, briefcase.

00:29:17.439 --> 00:29:19.600 align:center
Whatever it is you carry with you
on a regular basis.

00:29:19.679 --> 00:29:22.280 align:center
We'll section you off to make it easier.
Let me give an example.

00:29:22.360 --> 00:29:24.199 align:center
I was in quite a posh area recently,
and I said,

00:29:24.280 --> 00:29:26.439 align:center
"What's the most unusual thing
you have in your bag?"

00:29:26.520 --> 00:29:28.000 align:center
And a lady shouted out,

00:29:28.080 --> 00:29:29.600 align:center
"Balsamic vinegar."

00:29:33.040 --> 00:29:35.439 align:center
And I said, "Can I ask
why you carry balsamic vinegar?"

00:29:35.520 --> 00:29:38.000 align:center
She said, "Just in case
I'm ever confronted

00:29:38.080 --> 00:29:40.679 align:center
with a salad that's undressed."

00:29:43.040 --> 00:29:44.040 align:center
What?

00:29:46.159 --> 00:29:49.240 align:center
But I think the easiest way to talk
to you guys is in the sections you're in.

00:29:49.320 --> 00:29:51.199 align:center
We'll do upstairs first.
We'll divide you in two.

00:29:51.280 --> 00:29:54.080 align:center
Anybody want to shout out an unusual
thing that you have in your bag?

00:29:54.159 --> 00:29:55.120 align:center
Anybody want to start?

00:29:55.199 --> 00:29:57.560 align:center
-Cutlery set.
-A cutlery set?

00:29:57.639 --> 00:29:59.320 align:center
A knife, fork, and spoon.

00:29:59.399 --> 00:30:00.919 align:center
I understand what cutlery is.

00:30:10.240 --> 00:30:12.840 align:center
Do you think I was just
shoveling it in with my hands?

00:30:14.560 --> 00:30:16.959 align:center
"Look at her, she probably uses a trowel."

00:30:19.800 --> 00:30:22.720 align:center
What are they made of, my lovely?
Are they plastic? Are they wooden?

00:30:22.800 --> 00:30:26.040 align:center
They're plastic because I don't like it
when you get the wooden ones.

00:30:26.120 --> 00:30:27.840 align:center
It makes my mouth go all funny.

00:30:27.919 --> 00:30:29.240 align:center
-Whoo!
-Okay.

00:30:29.840 --> 00:30:31.879 align:center
One fan of…

00:30:31.959 --> 00:30:35.439 align:center
So that's two of you like killing
the turtles. Is that right?

00:30:35.520 --> 00:30:38.320 align:center
So you don't like the wooden ones.

00:30:38.399 --> 00:30:40.240 align:center
-No.
-And they're plastic. Are they silicone?

00:30:40.320 --> 00:30:42.800 align:center
-Or are they, like, plastic plastic?
-They're like silicone.

00:30:42.879 --> 00:30:44.480 align:center
-They're in a little plastic…
-So…

00:30:44.560 --> 00:30:46.360 align:center
-A silicone tub.
-Oh, this is nice.

00:30:46.439 --> 00:30:48.679 align:center
So they're all together.

00:30:48.760 --> 00:30:51.320 align:center
Slightly jealous.

00:30:52.840 --> 00:30:55.520 align:center
-Do they stay in your bag all the time?
-Yeah.

00:30:55.600 --> 00:30:57.199 align:center
-Fucking amazing.
-I've got a metal straw.

00:30:57.280 --> 00:30:58.800 align:center
I don't like the paper straws.

00:30:58.879 --> 00:31:00.840 align:center
I don't like the feel. The feel.

00:31:00.919 --> 00:31:04.240 align:center
Oh! You're what
I would call a fussy fanny.

00:31:07.360 --> 00:31:08.520 align:center
Is this your partner?

00:31:08.600 --> 00:31:11.480 align:center
-Yes, my husband.
-You put up with a lot, don't you, flower?

00:31:12.679 --> 00:31:13.600 align:center
Loads.

00:31:13.679 --> 00:31:16.159 align:center
Is there another thing she doesn't like
the feel of in her mouth?

00:31:24.840 --> 00:31:27.560 align:center
"I like my rubber one.
I don't like your meaty one."

00:31:27.639 --> 00:31:30.720 align:center
"It just feels…
it feels weird on my teeth."

00:31:30.800 --> 00:31:33.040 align:center
"You're not supposed
to use your fucking teeth!"

00:31:34.919 --> 00:31:37.320 align:center
I… You see, I don't carry
a full set of cutlery,

00:31:37.399 --> 00:31:38.879 align:center
but I do carry a spoon.

00:31:38.959 --> 00:31:41.240 align:center
And the reason for that,
you know, every now and again,

00:31:41.320 --> 00:31:44.879 align:center
there's sort of surprise cake
that you didn't know was gonna happen.

00:31:44.959 --> 00:31:47.280 align:center
Somebody'll be like,
"Sandra's birthday next week,

00:31:47.360 --> 00:31:49.480 align:center
but she's on holiday,
so I've got cake today."

00:31:49.560 --> 00:31:51.439 align:center
Everybody scatters looking for cutlery,

00:31:51.520 --> 00:31:54.240 align:center
and me and that nice lady there
just fucking start.

00:31:56.760 --> 00:31:58.959 align:center
Can we have a nice round
of applause for the cutlery lady?

00:31:59.040 --> 00:32:00.199 align:center
Thank you!

00:32:00.280 --> 00:32:02.000 align:center
Good answer, thank you.

00:32:05.520 --> 00:32:07.840 align:center
Excellent work upstairs.
Downstairs, pressure's on.

00:32:07.919 --> 00:32:10.919 align:center
Anybody on this side want to shout out
an unusual thing you've got in your bag?

00:32:11.000 --> 00:32:14.120 align:center
-Fire brigade keys.
-Fire brigade keys.

00:32:14.199 --> 00:32:17.560 align:center
I genuinely thought
you said "vibragate keys."

00:32:18.719 --> 00:32:20.879 align:center
"I open the vibragate."

00:32:22.080 --> 00:32:23.199 align:center
"Come join me."

00:32:23.719 --> 00:32:25.719 align:center
Fire brigade keys?

00:32:25.800 --> 00:32:29.080 align:center
Now, you are…
Presumably, you work for the fire brigade.

00:32:29.159 --> 00:32:31.040 align:center
-No.
-No? Fuck!

00:32:33.679 --> 00:32:35.560 align:center
It's worrying. Isn't it worrying?

00:32:36.360 --> 00:32:38.560 align:center
Why are you allowed
to keep the keys, then?

00:32:39.360 --> 00:32:41.879 align:center
Um, I do use them for work.

00:32:41.959 --> 00:32:45.159 align:center
I work in fire safety,
just not for the fire service.

00:32:45.240 --> 00:32:47.600 align:center
Okay, hold on. Don't clap.

00:32:49.120 --> 00:32:50.800 align:center
Still feels dodgy to me.

00:32:51.600 --> 00:32:53.040 align:center
So you work in fire safety.

00:32:53.120 --> 00:32:55.399 align:center
What is… Have you got a good…
an impressive job title?

00:32:55.480 --> 00:32:58.120 align:center
-What's your job title, flower?
-Fire risk assessor.

00:32:58.199 --> 00:32:59.520 align:center
Fire risk assessor.

00:32:59.600 --> 00:33:02.320 align:center
It's exciting,
then it goes boring, doesn't it?

00:33:02.879 --> 00:33:04.800 align:center
Fire, wow! Risk, wow!

00:33:04.879 --> 00:33:07.800 align:center
Assessor. It just says clipboard
to me, doesn't it?

00:33:07.879 --> 00:33:09.639 align:center
Are you largely clipboard based?

00:33:09.719 --> 00:33:10.800 align:center
Yes, you're largely…

00:33:10.879 --> 00:33:13.919 align:center
But why are you allowed the keys
to the whole fire brigade?

00:33:14.840 --> 00:33:16.360 align:center
I don't understand.

00:33:16.439 --> 00:33:18.560 align:center
'Cause I take emergencies seriously.

00:33:18.639 --> 00:33:20.000 align:center
Becau--

00:33:20.080 --> 00:33:22.240 align:center
She takes emergencies seriously!

00:33:25.080 --> 00:33:27.399 align:center
I love it! I fucking love it.

00:33:27.480 --> 00:33:29.639 align:center
We could be friends. I like it.
Thank you very much.

00:33:29.719 --> 00:33:30.879 align:center
A better round of applause…

00:33:30.959 --> 00:33:34.600 align:center
We need a nice round of applause
for the fire risk assessor.

00:33:34.679 --> 00:33:36.240 align:center
Nice!

00:33:37.240 --> 00:33:39.800 align:center
Anybody want to shout out
an unusual thing you've got your bag?

00:33:39.879 --> 00:33:42.480 align:center
-Whistle and a face mask.
-Hold on. Say it again?

00:33:42.560 --> 00:33:44.000 align:center
A whistle and a face mask.

00:33:44.080 --> 00:33:45.879 align:center
-A whistle and a face mask.
-Yeah.

00:33:45.959 --> 00:33:47.919 align:center
You say that like they come
in the same pack.

00:33:49.840 --> 00:33:51.480 align:center
No? No.

00:33:51.560 --> 00:33:53.439 align:center
So why did you shout them both out?

00:33:53.520 --> 00:33:54.919 align:center
'Cause they're on my lanyard.

00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:56.480 align:center
-From school.
-They're on your lanyard?

00:33:56.560 --> 00:33:57.840 align:center
-Ooh.
-Ooh!

00:33:59.159 --> 00:34:01.719 align:center
I love people
who are impressed with lanyards.

00:34:01.800 --> 00:34:07.879 align:center
"Ooh-ooh-ooh! Somebody's got
a job that's security conscious!" Uh…

00:34:07.959 --> 00:34:09.600 align:center
What kind of job do you do, flower?

00:34:09.679 --> 00:34:11.759 align:center
-Teaching assistant.
-A teaching assistant?

00:34:11.839 --> 00:34:12.839 align:center
Yeah.

00:34:12.920 --> 00:34:14.319 align:center
And…

00:34:14.920 --> 00:34:16.159 align:center
Wha…

00:34:18.960 --> 00:34:21.719 align:center
Are you not allowed to talk
about your job? Is that your phone going?

00:34:21.799 --> 00:34:23.760 align:center
-It's not my phone!
-Somebody going to shut you up?

00:34:23.839 --> 00:34:24.679 align:center
Not my phone.

00:34:24.760 --> 00:34:28.199 align:center
"We told you not to mention
the teaching assistant job."

00:34:29.480 --> 00:34:31.880 align:center
"Blow the whistle,
we'll find you an exit."

00:34:41.839 --> 00:34:43.239 align:center
So…

00:34:44.040 --> 00:34:45.760 align:center
Is the whistle
like a proper school whistle?

00:34:45.839 --> 00:34:47.639 align:center
-Yes.
-Oh, fuck.

00:34:49.639 --> 00:34:51.280 align:center
Does anybody else wanna hear it?

00:34:51.360 --> 00:34:52.960 align:center
Yes!

00:34:53.040 --> 00:34:55.199 align:center
-Have you got it with you?
-It's in the car outside.

00:34:55.280 --> 00:34:57.520 align:center
-It's in the car.
-Aww…

00:34:58.520 --> 00:35:02.480 align:center
To be honest, I don't know
what it would make me do if… if she…

00:35:02.560 --> 00:35:04.960 align:center
I feel like it might make me, like…

00:35:05.040 --> 00:35:07.600 align:center
-Stand still.
-Stop with a netball. You know, like…

00:35:08.960 --> 00:35:10.680 align:center
"Pivot, pivot, pivot, pivot."

00:35:11.360 --> 00:35:13.040 align:center
I'm not sure it would be a good noise.

00:35:13.120 --> 00:35:16.160 align:center
Maybe it's too triggering
for a lot of people, anyway.

00:35:16.240 --> 00:35:19.319 align:center
If anybody's like me
and fucking hated school.

00:35:19.400 --> 00:35:21.280 align:center
I love that you brought that.
What was the other?

00:35:21.360 --> 00:35:22.600 align:center
-Face mask…
-A face mask.

00:35:22.680 --> 00:35:24.920 align:center
Face… Thank you.
Somebody over there went "Face mask."

00:35:25.960 --> 00:35:27.760 align:center
A face mask. What kind of face mask?

00:35:27.839 --> 00:35:29.120 align:center
For CPR.

00:35:29.200 --> 00:35:31.200 align:center
-Oh, a C… Oh! Fuck!
-First aid.

00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:33.520 align:center
-Not like a… "I'm a clown!" Not like…
-No!

00:35:35.520 --> 00:35:37.080 align:center
Not like that?

00:35:37.160 --> 00:35:38.200 align:center
No.

00:35:38.920 --> 00:35:40.600 align:center
-A CPR one?
-Yeah.

00:35:40.680 --> 00:35:41.960 align:center
-For first aid.
-So, is that…

00:35:42.040 --> 00:35:44.880 align:center
I don't really know what…
Do you put it on the person's…

00:35:44.960 --> 00:35:47.080 align:center
-Tell me.
-Yeah. In case they're vomiting. Or blood.

00:35:47.160 --> 00:35:49.440 align:center
-Ugh!
-You put it on them and you do CPR.

00:35:50.200 --> 00:35:52.839 align:center
There's a couple of people in here
who would not save a life.

00:35:52.920 --> 00:35:54.480 align:center
Did you hear that? "Ugh!"

00:35:54.560 --> 00:35:57.520 align:center
"Ugh! Ugh!"

00:35:58.120 --> 00:35:59.640 align:center
So you put it over their mouth?

00:35:59.720 --> 00:36:01.760 align:center
-Yes.
-So you can give them mouth-to-mouth.

00:36:01.839 --> 00:36:03.400 align:center
-Yes.
-But you don't get any…

00:36:03.480 --> 00:36:04.560 align:center
-Jizz.
-Ugh!

00:36:04.640 --> 00:36:06.360 align:center
All right! All right!

00:36:09.520 --> 00:36:12.480 align:center
Does it… Is it…
Does it just work on mouths?

00:36:12.560 --> 00:36:14.440 align:center
Or could you, like, slot over a…

00:36:21.000 --> 00:36:22.960 align:center
Just slot it over a dick.

00:36:24.920 --> 00:36:28.200 align:center
"Yeah, I like the look of his dick,
but his balls are a fucking mess."

00:36:28.280 --> 00:36:31.920 align:center
"Just gonna cover them over."

00:36:34.000 --> 00:36:35.040 align:center
Ah!

00:36:35.960 --> 00:36:37.560 align:center
I'm so sorry.

00:36:38.280 --> 00:36:39.520 align:center
I'm not.

00:36:40.319 --> 00:36:43.600 align:center
Can we have a nice round of applause
for the teaching assistant? Thank you.

00:36:46.760 --> 00:36:49.600 align:center
Anybody else over this side?
Unusual thing you've got in your bag?

00:36:49.680 --> 00:36:51.560 align:center
-Doorstop.
-Loads! Hold on.

00:36:51.640 --> 00:36:53.520 align:center
-What was in the front?
-A doorstop.

00:36:53.600 --> 00:36:55.640 align:center
A doorstop.

00:36:57.200 --> 00:36:59.000 align:center
I love this. Already, I love this.

00:36:59.080 --> 00:37:00.480 align:center
Like, a wooden one or a…

00:37:00.560 --> 00:37:01.600 align:center
Uh, a rubber one.

00:37:01.680 --> 00:37:04.200 align:center
A rubber one? Just in your bag?

00:37:05.040 --> 00:37:08.080 align:center
I love it! I can't tell how old you are.

00:37:08.160 --> 00:37:10.560 align:center
Do you get sometimes a bit warm?

00:37:10.640 --> 00:37:13.319 align:center
Are you like, sort of… that kind of…

00:37:13.400 --> 00:37:16.560 align:center
"Need to prop a door open.
Somebody get me a wedge."

00:37:18.799 --> 00:37:21.600 align:center
Are you… You're too young, I think.
Are you a bit too young for that?

00:37:21.680 --> 00:37:23.000 align:center
It's for, like, hotel security.

00:37:23.080 --> 00:37:24.600 align:center
-When…
-It's for hotel security?

00:37:24.680 --> 00:37:26.880 align:center
Hold the fuck… I'm in hotels all the time!

00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:28.839 align:center
Have I been unsafe?

00:37:28.920 --> 00:37:31.920 align:center
Where's the fucking risk assessor?
We need you!

00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:33.880 align:center
Now…

00:37:33.960 --> 00:37:35.600 align:center
So you wedge the door shut, then?

00:37:35.680 --> 00:37:37.440 align:center
You're not, like,
wedging it open in a hotel!

00:37:37.520 --> 00:37:38.720 align:center
"Come on in!"

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:43.600 align:center
"Come on in, I'm lonely."
So you wedge the door shut?

00:37:43.680 --> 00:37:45.839 align:center
-Sometimes they haven't got a latch on.
-Shut up!

00:37:45.920 --> 00:37:47.680 align:center
They often don't have a latch on!

00:37:47.760 --> 00:37:50.440 align:center
And you're just taking it on trust
that somebody's not gonna come in.

00:37:50.520 --> 00:37:52.200 align:center
-Yeah.
-You don't fucking trust anybody.

00:37:52.280 --> 00:37:54.839 align:center
I like that. "Wedge that door shut."

00:37:54.920 --> 00:37:57.160 align:center
Now, let's ask the fire assessor.
Hello, flower.

00:37:59.359 --> 00:38:01.920 align:center
Is this a fire hazard,
to have the door wedged shut?

00:38:02.720 --> 00:38:03.960 align:center
Yes, it is.

00:38:06.960 --> 00:38:10.240 align:center
But I feel like you knew that,
and you're willing to take the risk.

00:38:11.799 --> 00:38:14.799 align:center
'Cause the dangers are fire or men.
Is that right?

00:38:15.880 --> 00:38:18.359 align:center
And you've gone,
"I'll just take the fire. It's fine."

00:38:18.920 --> 00:38:22.040 align:center
I love how.…
I'd never even thought to carry a wedge.

00:38:22.720 --> 00:38:25.440 align:center
My God, I'm in hotels all the time.
I'm so unsafe.

00:38:25.960 --> 00:38:28.480 align:center
Thank you.
You've changed my life, potentially.

00:38:29.080 --> 00:38:31.120 align:center
I'm probably gonna burn in a fire,
but thanks.

00:38:33.040 --> 00:38:35.640 align:center
Round of applause, I love it.
I love it, it's a good answer.

00:38:38.760 --> 00:38:40.799 align:center
Wait, other people over here,
shout it again.

00:38:40.880 --> 00:38:42.960 align:center
-Cable ties.
-Cable ties?

00:38:43.040 --> 00:38:44.440 align:center
Mmm.

00:38:48.560 --> 00:38:50.480 align:center
That's why you've got the wedge.

00:38:58.080 --> 00:39:01.960 align:center
Now, tell me your job,
and let's hope it's fucking relevant.

00:39:03.319 --> 00:39:05.920 align:center
-Police officer.
-You're a police officer.

00:39:06.440 --> 00:39:09.200 align:center
Still feels iffy as fuck, doesn't it?

00:39:09.720 --> 00:39:11.760 align:center
Have you got the keys to the fire brigade?

00:39:11.839 --> 00:39:13.120 align:center
No. Hah!

00:39:13.200 --> 00:39:14.120 align:center
Oh, you have!

00:39:14.200 --> 00:39:16.359 align:center
Oh my God, there's more than one set!

00:39:18.200 --> 00:39:19.640 align:center
The reason I've got them is because

00:39:19.720 --> 00:39:22.359 align:center
sometimes my baton holder
falls off my kit belt.

00:39:22.440 --> 00:39:23.440 align:center
Hold on, hold on.

00:39:23.520 --> 00:39:25.760 align:center
The reason you've got them is because why?

00:39:25.839 --> 00:39:27.720 align:center
My baton holder
sometimes falls off my kit belt.

00:39:27.799 --> 00:39:32.839 align:center
Your baton holder…
sometimes falls off your kit belt?

00:39:32.920 --> 00:39:34.720 align:center
Is that what you just said?

00:39:38.120 --> 00:39:40.440 align:center
Fucking hell!
Are you one of the Chuckle Brothers?

00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:44.480 align:center
Wh… Whoo!

00:39:47.160 --> 00:39:48.120 align:center
Are you… are you…

00:39:48.200 --> 00:39:50.080 align:center
Are you really police?

00:39:50.160 --> 00:39:52.200 align:center
Or do you just
"work at the police station"?

00:39:53.000 --> 00:39:54.799 align:center
-I really am.
-You're really police.

00:39:54.880 --> 00:39:57.440 align:center
What's your… grade?

00:39:57.520 --> 00:39:58.960 align:center
-What's the…
-Rank.

00:39:59.040 --> 00:40:00.359 align:center
Thank you! Thank you!

00:40:00.440 --> 00:40:03.160 align:center
We'll cut that bit out.
You won't get a credit. Sorry.

00:40:05.480 --> 00:40:07.120 align:center
Hey, what's your rank?

00:40:07.880 --> 00:40:09.720 align:center
-What's your rank?
-PC.

00:40:09.799 --> 00:40:11.760 align:center
PC. Aww. Um…

00:40:11.839 --> 00:40:12.880 align:center
It's not very…

00:40:16.440 --> 00:40:17.960 align:center
Now you know…

00:40:18.040 --> 00:40:20.920 align:center
Now you're in a room of people
who are laughing at you.

00:40:21.000 --> 00:40:22.720 align:center
"Whoo! Ooh!" Things falling off.

00:40:22.799 --> 00:40:25.040 align:center
Now you know why you haven't progressed.

00:40:27.799 --> 00:40:30.520 align:center
I feel so awful.
He's got such a nice face.

00:40:30.600 --> 00:40:33.359 align:center
And someone…
"That's how they lure you in!"

00:40:33.880 --> 00:40:35.160 align:center
-I'm…
-Say again?

00:40:35.240 --> 00:40:36.920 align:center
I'm waiting for my sergeant's promotion.

00:40:37.000 --> 00:40:39.080 align:center
-You're waiting for promotion.
-Aww!

00:40:39.160 --> 00:40:40.720 align:center
Don't clap!

00:40:40.799 --> 00:40:42.760 align:center
He's gonna drop his baton.

00:40:44.280 --> 00:40:47.160 align:center
Isn't it a good job
we're not allowed guns here?

00:40:47.799 --> 00:40:49.880 align:center
You'd have no toes, would you, flower?

00:40:55.200 --> 00:40:57.560 align:center
I love… I love that.
What was your original answer?

00:40:57.640 --> 00:41:00.000 align:center
I've forgotten 'cause I've asked you
too many extra questions.

00:41:00.080 --> 00:41:01.440 align:center
-Cable ties.
-Cable ties!

00:41:01.520 --> 00:41:03.200 align:center
Why have you got cable ties?

00:41:03.839 --> 00:41:06.600 align:center
To secure the baton holder to my belt.

00:41:08.120 --> 00:41:10.280 align:center
Why does it keep falling off, though?
I don't understand.

00:41:10.359 --> 00:41:12.760 align:center
Sorry. It doesn't normally take this long.
Sorry.

00:41:13.280 --> 00:41:14.880 align:center
Just they buy us shit ones.

00:41:14.960 --> 00:41:17.560 align:center
They buy shit ones.

00:41:19.000 --> 00:41:21.000 align:center
On the upside, though,
I've still got a pocket

00:41:21.080 --> 00:41:24.080 align:center
that I can put my Vicks in
for when I'm dealing with dead bodies.

00:41:26.680 --> 00:41:31.560 align:center
Did you just say, "On the upside, I've
still got a pocket to put my Vicks in"?

00:41:32.480 --> 00:41:34.160 align:center
Jar, or…

00:41:34.240 --> 00:41:35.680 align:center
-No, jar.
-Jar.

00:41:35.760 --> 00:41:37.440 align:center
Classic. Original.

00:41:37.520 --> 00:41:39.600 align:center
The OG. I like it!

00:41:41.920 --> 00:41:45.440 align:center
Are you a police constable locally?

00:41:45.520 --> 00:41:46.560 align:center
No. Good.

00:41:48.839 --> 00:41:52.160 align:center
You're all safe. Keep your wedge in.
But you're all safe.

00:41:52.240 --> 00:41:54.359 align:center
Round of applause
for the cable ties. Thank you.

00:41:54.440 --> 00:41:56.640 align:center
That was very fun indeed.

00:42:00.520 --> 00:42:02.160 align:center
Let me tell you one
of my favorite answers.

00:42:02.240 --> 00:42:05.120 align:center
I was in York, and a lady
right this side of the front row,

00:42:05.200 --> 00:42:07.600 align:center
I said, "What's the most unusual thing
you have in your bag?"

00:42:07.680 --> 00:42:11.480 align:center
Lady on this side of the front row said,
"Stilton cheese."

00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:13.240 align:center
And I said, "Is it wrapped?"

00:42:13.319 --> 00:42:16.040 align:center
And the man behind her said,
"Not well enough."

00:42:21.000 --> 00:42:22.960 align:center
I chatted to her.
She was funny, I liked her a lot.

00:42:23.040 --> 00:42:26.200 align:center
I said, "Can I ask what's the real reason
you've got Stilton cheese in your bag?"

00:42:26.280 --> 00:42:27.839 align:center
She said, "It's for medical reasons."

00:42:27.920 --> 00:42:30.359 align:center
I was like,
"That's clearly bullshit, right?"

00:42:30.880 --> 00:42:33.080 align:center
So I said, "Have we got
any doctors and nurses in?"

00:42:33.160 --> 00:42:35.680 align:center
Loads of people went, "Yeah."
I said, "Is there any medical reason

00:42:35.760 --> 00:42:37.880 align:center
why that lady would have
Stilton cheese in her bag?"

00:42:37.960 --> 00:42:39.560 align:center
And they all went, "No!"

00:42:39.640 --> 00:42:42.200 align:center
Apart from one lady on this side
of the front row gave me a wave.

00:42:42.280 --> 00:42:45.600 align:center
I said, "What do you do?" She said,
"I'm a dermatologist. In my opinion…"

00:42:45.680 --> 00:42:47.440 align:center
I'm thinking,
"Ooh, proper medical opinion."

00:42:47.520 --> 00:42:48.720 align:center
She said, "In my opinion,

00:42:48.799 --> 00:42:52.280 align:center
the only reason that lady would
have Stilton cheese in her handbag

00:42:52.359 --> 00:42:54.400 align:center
is to mask the smell of her fanny."

00:43:03.120 --> 00:43:07.280 align:center
But, like, they were in the same row!
Like, they could see each other!

00:43:08.760 --> 00:43:11.080 align:center
And I think in another crowd
there might've been a fight,

00:43:11.160 --> 00:43:12.839 align:center
but because it was my lovely audience,

00:43:12.920 --> 00:43:14.760 align:center
the cheese lady just leant forward
and she went,

00:43:14.839 --> 00:43:16.600 align:center
"She's probably right, it is a bit pongy."

00:43:21.520 --> 00:43:23.760 align:center
I had to take my dad
for a hospital appointment recently.

00:43:23.839 --> 00:43:24.960 align:center
We're in the waiting area.

00:43:25.040 --> 00:43:27.240 align:center
The whole time,
I was putting antibac on my dad's hands.

00:43:27.319 --> 00:43:29.040 align:center
Antibac on his hands,
antibac on his hands.

00:43:29.120 --> 00:43:30.799 align:center
At one point, he looked down at his hands,

00:43:30.880 --> 00:43:34.319 align:center
and he went,
"When I die, these'll still be alive."

00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:38.200 align:center
They told us we had
to put latex gloves on his hands.

00:43:38.280 --> 00:43:40.400 align:center
They had a dispenser on the wall,
small, medium, large.

00:43:40.480 --> 00:43:42.560 align:center
My dad's got proper
sort of dad meat-shovel hands

00:43:42.640 --> 00:43:44.040 align:center
so obviously, I go for the large.

00:43:44.120 --> 00:43:46.640 align:center
I'm really struggling to get his hands
in them, really struggling.

00:43:46.720 --> 00:43:48.520 align:center
It gave me flashbacks of last November

00:43:48.600 --> 00:43:52.240 align:center
when I was in John Lewis trying
to get leather gloves for my hands,

00:43:52.319 --> 00:43:56.000 align:center
and the lady on the counter said,
"Sorry, they just don't come that big."

00:43:57.000 --> 00:43:59.240 align:center
Fuck off. Cows are massive.

00:44:06.440 --> 00:44:09.200 align:center
But I'm really struggling to get these
latex gloves on my dad's hands.

00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:10.720 align:center
At one point, he stopped me and went,

00:44:10.799 --> 00:44:12.560 align:center
"I never had this bother with Durex."

00:44:12.640 --> 00:44:13.760 align:center
Aaargh!

00:44:16.040 --> 00:44:18.440 align:center
But because this is my job,
I automatically went,

00:44:18.520 --> 00:44:21.879 align:center
"No, Dad, you should say,
'I always had this bother with Durex.'"

00:44:21.960 --> 00:44:24.280 align:center
I made his joke better, his cock bigger,

00:44:24.359 --> 00:44:26.720 align:center
and it was harrowing for both of us.

00:44:30.520 --> 00:44:32.799 align:center
I've got a friend who's through
her menopause, she's done,

00:44:32.879 --> 00:44:34.600 align:center
on the other side,
she's having a great time.

00:44:34.680 --> 00:44:36.879 align:center
There'll be women in this room
going through menopause,

00:44:36.960 --> 00:44:38.080 align:center
women in their perimenopause,

00:44:38.160 --> 00:44:40.040 align:center
there'll be women all done
on the other side.

00:44:40.120 --> 00:44:43.120 align:center
There'll also be women like me who are
still bleeding every fucking month.

00:44:43.200 --> 00:44:45.240 align:center
When is it my fucking turn?

00:44:45.319 --> 00:44:47.440 align:center
-Yeah!
-Sick of this shit.

00:44:47.960 --> 00:44:50.960 align:center
I've even got a period app on my phone.
Anybody else got a period app?

00:44:51.040 --> 00:44:53.640 align:center
-Yes!
-Fucking useless, aren't they?

00:44:53.720 --> 00:44:57.120 align:center
Yeah, do you remember when we used
to just write a P in our diaries?

00:44:57.640 --> 00:44:59.600 align:center
"No one will crack the code."

00:45:03.600 --> 00:45:05.799 align:center
"Even if I do it in a red pen."

00:45:08.280 --> 00:45:11.319 align:center
Period app needs a lot of information,
asks a lot of questions,

00:45:11.400 --> 00:45:14.280 align:center
in order for it to come out
with a fairly inaccurate calculation

00:45:14.359 --> 00:45:16.200 align:center
of when my next period is due.

00:45:16.280 --> 00:45:18.200 align:center
Some of the questions
I find quite baffling.

00:45:18.280 --> 00:45:21.680 align:center
Uh, one of the questions it asks is,
"What kind of sex are you having?"

00:45:22.200 --> 00:45:25.359 align:center
And I'm like, "What room?
What hole? Narrow it down."

00:45:26.240 --> 00:45:29.680 align:center
Two answers to choose from.
Unprotected and protected.

00:45:29.760 --> 00:45:33.120 align:center
The symbol for unprotected is flip-flops.

00:45:33.200 --> 00:45:35.240 align:center
What?

00:45:39.240 --> 00:45:41.280 align:center
The symbol for protected is wellies.

00:45:41.359 --> 00:45:43.480 align:center
What's happening?

00:45:45.120 --> 00:45:48.480 align:center
Are you asking if I've had sex or
if I've been to Glastonbury? I don't know.

00:45:49.879 --> 00:45:52.160 align:center
Another much more reasonable
question for a period app

00:45:52.240 --> 00:45:54.680 align:center
is, "How heavy is your flow?"
Much more reasonable.

00:45:54.760 --> 00:45:57.160 align:center
Four answers to choose from
for "How heavy is your flow?"

00:45:57.240 --> 00:45:58.319 align:center
Light, medium, heavy,

00:45:58.400 --> 00:45:59.520 align:center
and chunks.

00:46:03.440 --> 00:46:05.280 align:center
It's a great response.
Some people are laughing.

00:46:05.359 --> 00:46:06.640 align:center
Some people are groaning.

00:46:06.720 --> 00:46:09.359 align:center
Some of the women are going,
"She's right, it's true."

00:46:11.280 --> 00:46:14.240 align:center
The other night, we had a man right
in the middle downstairs, went like this.

00:46:14.319 --> 00:46:16.319 align:center
"Urgh!"

00:46:17.080 --> 00:46:18.960 align:center
Fucking pussy.

00:46:22.040 --> 00:46:24.080 align:center
But I'm diligent.
I answer all the questions,

00:46:24.160 --> 00:46:27.200 align:center
and then it'll sort of buffer,
like the fanny calculator's thinking.

00:46:28.080 --> 00:46:30.960 align:center
And it'll say, "Your next period
is due in four days."

00:46:31.040 --> 00:46:34.000 align:center
And I go, "Guess again, bitch,"
and I show my phone my gusset.

00:46:36.240 --> 00:46:38.839 align:center
Anybody else keep a sanitary towel on
for longer than they should

00:46:38.920 --> 00:46:40.440 align:center
just 'cause it's comfy?

00:46:41.680 --> 00:46:44.799 align:center
But it's like a memory foam mattress
for your fanny.

00:46:46.799 --> 00:46:48.359 align:center
That's right!

00:46:49.560 --> 00:46:52.040 align:center
But my friend who's through her menopause,
she told me something.

00:46:52.120 --> 00:46:54.600 align:center
I don't think this is common knowledge.
I hadn't heard it before.

00:46:54.680 --> 00:46:56.920 align:center
She told me that
when you're through your menopause,

00:46:57.000 --> 00:46:58.040 align:center
all done and dusted,

00:46:58.120 --> 00:47:01.160 align:center
DFS send you a free white sofa.

00:47:07.640 --> 00:47:09.960 align:center
She was showing it off.
She said, "Do you like my sofa?"

00:47:10.040 --> 00:47:12.200 align:center
I said, "It's lovely."
She said, "You wanna sit on it?"

00:47:12.280 --> 00:47:14.520 align:center
I'd started my period.
I was like, "No." She went, "Go on!"

00:47:14.600 --> 00:47:16.200 align:center
I said, "No, thanks." She went, "Go on!"

00:47:16.280 --> 00:47:19.160 align:center
I said, "Look, unless you want that
to look like a Japanese fucking flag,

00:47:19.240 --> 00:47:20.960 align:center
I'd leave it be if I were you."

00:47:26.680 --> 00:47:28.680 align:center
She said, "Do you want a towel to sit on?"

00:47:28.760 --> 00:47:31.359 align:center
I said, "Hold on a minute,"
and I brought an Ibis hotel bath mat.

00:47:31.440 --> 00:47:33.200 align:center
Worked a fucking treat.

00:47:38.560 --> 00:47:40.000 align:center
I've never had a bikini wax.

00:47:40.080 --> 00:47:42.799 align:center
I've got a friend who's only had
bikini waxes, for decades and decades.

00:47:42.879 --> 00:47:44.319 align:center
That's what she prefers. Fair enough.

00:47:44.400 --> 00:47:47.560 align:center
She told me she likes how clean it makes
her feel. Nice reason. I like that a lot.

00:47:47.640 --> 00:47:50.319 align:center
She also told me in confidence…
In confidence!

00:47:50.400 --> 00:47:53.280 align:center
I didn't say her name. Did I?

00:47:53.359 --> 00:47:55.000 align:center
No. Claire. No, good.

00:47:56.480 --> 00:47:58.359 align:center
She told me in confidence
it gets very cold

00:47:58.440 --> 00:47:59.879 align:center
in her knickers in the winter months.

00:47:59.960 --> 00:48:01.720 align:center
I've offered…
I'm still waiting to hear back,

00:48:01.799 --> 00:48:04.520 align:center
but I said, "I could make
you a little wig out of my trimmings."

00:48:07.560 --> 00:48:09.480 align:center
It's a nice offer from a friend, isn't it?

00:48:11.080 --> 00:48:13.640 align:center
But the truth is, however
you have your fanny is the right way.

00:48:13.720 --> 00:48:16.000 align:center
There's no wrong way.
That's the glory of fannies.

00:48:16.080 --> 00:48:19.640 align:center
I tend to follow
in a family tradition, of sorts.

00:48:22.240 --> 00:48:24.040 align:center
As my old grandma used to say,

00:48:24.120 --> 00:48:26.319 align:center
if your fanny was supposed
to be neat and tidy,

00:48:26.400 --> 00:48:27.920 align:center
it'd be on your forehead.

00:48:40.160 --> 00:48:44.040 align:center
I found some old school reports
from when I was about 12 or 13.

00:48:44.120 --> 00:48:47.520 align:center
I thought, "Wonder if there's anything
in here that would shed any light

00:48:47.600 --> 00:48:51.440 align:center
on why I was quite so quiet as a child
or why I'm quite so noisy now."

00:48:51.520 --> 00:48:54.080 align:center
Let me read you some bits
from my school reports.

00:48:54.640 --> 00:48:55.839 align:center
Here we go.

00:48:55.920 --> 00:48:58.400 align:center
"The presentation of her written work
could be neater,

00:48:58.480 --> 00:49:00.520 align:center
but the content is always
well worth reading."

00:49:00.600 --> 00:49:03.040 align:center
That's basically saying
I should talk for a living, I think.

00:49:03.720 --> 00:49:05.879 align:center
"She has a tendency to daydream slightly,

00:49:05.960 --> 00:49:09.640 align:center
but this hasn't prevented her from
obtaining a satisfactory exam result."

00:49:09.720 --> 00:49:14.680 align:center
Maybe I was thinking and not daydreaming,
Mrs. fucking Cook, you stupid fucking cow.

00:49:19.280 --> 00:49:22.680 align:center
And I haven't changed her name
'cause she's almost definitely dead.

00:49:23.640 --> 00:49:24.799 align:center
Yay!

00:49:28.200 --> 00:49:29.480 align:center
This is a bit left field.

00:49:29.560 --> 00:49:32.680 align:center
"She has a good grasp
of the principles of choreography."

00:49:32.760 --> 00:49:34.600 align:center
No, she fucking doesn't.

00:49:35.200 --> 00:49:39.080 align:center
Next you're gonna tell me she's good at
skiing that she's definitely never done.

00:49:39.160 --> 00:49:42.240 align:center
Now, you know you had your form teacher
every day for the whole year.

00:49:42.319 --> 00:49:44.640 align:center
Not for very long every day,
but every day nevertheless.

00:49:44.720 --> 00:49:47.440 align:center
In this particular school report,
there was only space for one line.

00:49:47.520 --> 00:49:49.879 align:center
They could only sum that kid up
in one line. That's so hard.

00:49:49.960 --> 00:49:52.080 align:center
They watched that kid grow
as a student, as a person.

00:49:52.160 --> 00:49:53.960 align:center
How on earth to distill
all that information

00:49:54.040 --> 00:49:56.600 align:center
you've learnt over that whole year
down into just one sentence?

00:49:56.680 --> 00:49:57.879 align:center
That's so tricky.

00:49:58.400 --> 00:50:00.920 align:center
Turns out not that tricky at all.

00:50:01.440 --> 00:50:02.680 align:center
"She put a lot of effort

00:50:02.760 --> 00:50:04.480 align:center
into selling raffle tickets."

00:50:10.560 --> 00:50:11.960 align:center
For PE, It was just grades.

00:50:12.040 --> 00:50:15.879 align:center
Grades for the sports that you did,
and your behavior, your qualities as well.

00:50:15.960 --> 00:50:17.200 align:center
Here we go. PE.

00:50:17.280 --> 00:50:18.680 align:center
"Effort, A."

00:50:18.760 --> 00:50:21.640 align:center
I like that they acknowledge that,
even though I was shit at all of it,

00:50:21.720 --> 00:50:24.359 align:center
it was clearly the best I could do.

00:50:24.960 --> 00:50:27.040 align:center
"PE kit, A. Confidence, C."

00:50:27.120 --> 00:50:29.399 align:center
"Leadership, C." That rings true for me.

00:50:29.480 --> 00:50:30.720 align:center
"Rounders, C."

00:50:30.799 --> 00:50:32.680 align:center
"Badminton, B." Oh!

00:50:34.200 --> 00:50:35.640 align:center
"Netball, yes."

00:50:38.120 --> 00:50:41.120 align:center
I love it. It's like the teacher was
going, "I remember she was there."

00:50:41.200 --> 00:50:45.200 align:center
Yeah. She was putting the balls back in
the cupboard at the end, you stupid cow.

00:50:46.640 --> 00:50:49.839 align:center
If you do happen to have any of your old
school reports knocking around at home,

00:50:49.920 --> 00:50:53.040 align:center
dig them out, go through them,
get yourself a glass of wine.

00:50:53.120 --> 00:50:56.560 align:center
It's so cathartic to judge the people
who once judged you.

00:50:56.640 --> 00:50:58.839 align:center
You remember a lot more
than you think you will, as well.

00:50:58.920 --> 00:51:01.680 align:center
You end up going through it like,
"She was a legend. He was a legend."

00:51:01.760 --> 00:51:03.240 align:center
"She's dead. Oh, that's a shame."

00:51:04.319 --> 00:51:06.040 align:center
"He's dead. That's not a shame."

00:51:06.879 --> 00:51:08.520 align:center
"Nonce, nonce, nonce."

00:51:12.319 --> 00:51:17.399 align:center
And finally, "Sarah needs to develop more
self-confidence in her practical skills."

00:51:17.480 --> 00:51:20.920 align:center
That was in Home Economics.
I know exactly what that's referring to.

00:51:21.000 --> 00:51:24.960 align:center
There was a day we had to make breakfast.
Kids cooking sausages and poaching eggs.

00:51:25.040 --> 00:51:27.200 align:center
And I just did Frosties.

00:51:37.480 --> 00:51:39.120 align:center
I, uh… I don't like women's magazines.

00:51:39.200 --> 00:51:41.359 align:center
Haven't liked women's magazines
for a long time.

00:51:41.440 --> 00:51:43.399 align:center
I think women's magazines are damaging.

00:51:43.480 --> 00:51:45.799 align:center
I think they're bullshit.
I think they can fuck off.

00:51:45.879 --> 00:51:47.839 align:center
Oh, thanks.

00:51:49.799 --> 00:51:51.920 align:center
But every now and again,
one's just put in front of you,

00:51:52.000 --> 00:51:53.560 align:center
at the hairdresser's, the dentist's.

00:51:53.640 --> 00:51:56.359 align:center
Sometimes I think, "I'll see
what they think women do these days."

00:51:56.440 --> 00:51:58.680 align:center
And the last one I looked at
was an older-lady magazine.

00:51:58.760 --> 00:52:00.680 align:center
So it still had Position of the Fortnight,

00:52:00.760 --> 00:52:03.319 align:center
but it was just sitting down
having a cup of tea.

00:52:05.760 --> 00:52:09.120 align:center
They had an interview with a really
powerful, impressive, successful woman,

00:52:09.200 --> 00:52:13.879 align:center
but the questions they asked her
were so vacuous that it boiled my piss.

00:52:15.120 --> 00:52:18.280 align:center
I made a list of those questions,
and I'm gonna answer them for you now.

00:52:18.359 --> 00:52:21.560 align:center
Here we go. Question number one
"How do you feel about getting older?"

00:52:21.640 --> 00:52:23.799 align:center
Controversial, this. I quite like it.

00:52:23.879 --> 00:52:26.960 align:center
I like how I look, I like how I feel,
and I point-blank refuse

00:52:27.040 --> 00:52:30.240 align:center
to feel ashamed
for looking my fucking age.

00:52:30.319 --> 00:52:31.640 align:center
Thanks.

00:52:35.359 --> 00:52:37.280 align:center
"How do you stay in such great shape?"

00:52:37.359 --> 00:52:38.680 align:center
I eat loads.

00:52:42.480 --> 00:52:43.920 align:center
"Any plans to go under the knife?"

00:52:44.000 --> 00:52:46.680 align:center
No, I plan on going under the fork.

00:52:49.319 --> 00:52:50.960 align:center
"What's your relationship with your hair?"

00:52:51.040 --> 00:52:54.080 align:center
These are genuine questions.
"What's your relationship with your hair?"

00:52:54.160 --> 00:52:55.960 align:center
I use so much dry shampoo,

00:52:56.040 --> 00:52:57.920 align:center
I can't always get my knickers on.

00:52:58.440 --> 00:53:00.040 align:center
Humph!

00:53:03.000 --> 00:53:05.000 align:center
"Would you take your child for a facial?"

00:53:05.080 --> 00:53:07.760 align:center
No, because it would get
all matted in his fur. Aw.

00:53:09.799 --> 00:53:12.080 align:center
If you're home alone, what would you do?

00:53:12.160 --> 00:53:14.480 align:center
I'd rewatch season one of Bridgerton,

00:53:14.560 --> 00:53:16.879 align:center
wank myself off, and have a Twix.

00:53:23.040 --> 00:53:27.080 align:center
Still the best series, isn't it?
Especially episodes five and seven.

00:53:29.799 --> 00:53:32.280 align:center
"And finally,
what are your style secrets?"

00:53:32.359 --> 00:53:34.920 align:center
I have three pairs of leggings,
and I sniffed all three

00:53:35.000 --> 00:53:38.760 align:center
to see which smell the least of piss
to wear for you tonight!

00:53:47.080 --> 00:53:50.520 align:center
I think, to sum up, through the process
of pulling together stories of me as a kid

00:53:50.600 --> 00:53:52.600 align:center
and stories about me now,
I've come to the conclusion

00:53:52.680 --> 00:53:55.120 align:center
that I haven't really changed
very much at all.

00:53:55.200 --> 00:53:57.680 align:center
A lot of things about me
are exactly the same.

00:53:57.760 --> 00:53:59.560 align:center
Like, I still love cress.

00:54:00.440 --> 00:54:02.480 align:center
I still slightly love Jason Donovan.

00:54:03.879 --> 00:54:05.399 align:center
I still eat a lot of satsumas.

00:54:05.480 --> 00:54:07.680 align:center
They don't call them that these days.
They call them easy…

00:54:07.760 --> 00:54:09.240 align:center
-What is it, easy…
-Peelers.

00:54:09.319 --> 00:54:10.960 align:center
Chocolate Oranges, that's right.

00:54:17.200 --> 00:54:20.200 align:center
I still haven't been skiing. That woman
is determined it was a skiing trip.

00:54:20.280 --> 00:54:22.760 align:center
There is a small possibility
that I went on the skiing trip,

00:54:22.839 --> 00:54:24.080 align:center
just didn't do any skiing.

00:54:24.160 --> 00:54:28.480 align:center
Just stood at the side and then put
the skis back in the cupboard at the end.

00:54:29.240 --> 00:54:32.240 align:center
I still haven't been fingered
on a New Year's Eve!

00:54:32.319 --> 00:54:35.000 align:center
Join in if you know it. No? Uh…

00:54:35.520 --> 00:54:36.680 align:center
Still can't shower in public.

00:54:36.760 --> 00:54:38.680 align:center
I went on a spa weekend
with a couple of friends.

00:54:38.760 --> 00:54:40.560 align:center
They're lovely women,
but they're those people,

00:54:40.640 --> 00:54:43.080 align:center
like, "I'm just really comfortable
with my body." Those people?

00:54:43.160 --> 00:54:44.799 align:center
"I'm just really comfortable
with my body."

00:54:44.879 --> 00:54:46.240 align:center
What's the name for them?

00:54:46.319 --> 00:54:47.879 align:center
-Twats.
-Twats!

00:54:52.879 --> 00:54:54.960 align:center
The word I was looking for was confident!

00:54:55.040 --> 00:54:56.680 align:center
But sure, let's go…

00:54:58.040 --> 00:54:59.839 align:center
Let's go with twats.

00:54:59.920 --> 00:55:02.600 align:center
They'd walk past all the private cubicles,
just drying themselves

00:55:02.680 --> 00:55:05.160 align:center
in front of the sinks,
in front of everybody, just drying,

00:55:05.240 --> 00:55:06.640 align:center
chatting away to each other.

00:55:06.720 --> 00:55:10.399 align:center
And I'm trying to join their conversation
through a wooden slatted door.

00:55:11.760 --> 00:55:13.319 align:center
That I'd brought from home.

00:55:18.080 --> 00:55:22.560 align:center
But while I was quiet, almost invisible to
some at school, I was different at home.

00:55:22.640 --> 00:55:24.520 align:center
Much more myself at home.
I was happy at home.

00:55:24.600 --> 00:55:26.640 align:center
I was confident at home.
I was funny at home,

00:55:26.720 --> 00:55:30.120 align:center
around the kitchen table, in front
of my mam and my dad and my sister.

00:55:30.200 --> 00:55:32.399 align:center
I think the main difference
between me then and me now

00:55:32.480 --> 00:55:35.120 align:center
is that my kitchen table
just got a lot fucking bigger.

00:55:35.200 --> 00:55:37.280 align:center
I wish I could go back
to that 12-year-old me.

00:55:37.359 --> 00:55:39.399 align:center
First of all,
I'd be like, "Keep that blazer."

00:55:39.480 --> 00:55:43.040 align:center
"You'll really blend in when you work
in the Jobcentre in your 20s."

00:55:43.560 --> 00:55:45.359 align:center
I'd love to go back
to that 12-year-old me.

00:55:45.440 --> 00:55:47.879 align:center
I'd love to be able to say
"Don't you worry about that bully."

00:55:47.960 --> 00:55:50.960 align:center
"'Cause first of all,
she doesn't matter, right?"

00:55:51.040 --> 00:55:52.000 align:center
Yes.

00:55:52.080 --> 00:55:55.200 align:center
"And secondly, in 37 years' time,
I'm going to travel the world

00:55:55.280 --> 00:55:58.240 align:center
and tell everybody what
an absolute fucking bitch she was."

00:56:05.799 --> 00:56:08.560 align:center
The only sex advice my mam ever gave me,

00:56:08.640 --> 00:56:11.879 align:center
she said, "Remember, you don't have to put
anything in your mouth you don't want to."

00:56:13.359 --> 00:56:15.440 align:center
Which is why I'm fat
and my husband is sad.

00:56:22.359 --> 00:56:26.280 align:center
Let me tell you one more thing. Has
anybody seen the TV program Open House?

00:56:26.359 --> 00:56:27.319 align:center
-Yes.
-Yeah.

00:56:27.399 --> 00:56:29.839 align:center
If you haven't, you could be forgiven
from the title Open House,

00:56:29.920 --> 00:56:31.240 align:center
for thinking it's a property show.

00:56:31.319 --> 00:56:34.560 align:center
It's not a property show.
It's a Channel 4 sex documentary.

00:56:34.640 --> 00:56:35.680 align:center
It's not a property show.

00:56:35.760 --> 00:56:39.560 align:center
It's not like Phil and Kirstie's
Erection, Erection, Erection.

00:56:40.560 --> 00:56:42.760 align:center
Homes Under the Helmet.

00:56:44.280 --> 00:56:46.120 align:center
Escape to the Cunt.

00:56:49.440 --> 00:56:51.080 align:center
It's a Channel 4 sex documentary.

00:56:51.160 --> 00:56:52.680 align:center
What happens in Open House is a couple,

00:56:52.760 --> 00:56:55.160 align:center
usually a heterosexual couple,
will enter the Open House,

00:56:55.240 --> 00:56:57.520 align:center
which is full
of sexually liberated people,

00:56:57.600 --> 00:57:00.399 align:center
with the idea they'll open up
their relationship, have some group sex,

00:57:00.480 --> 00:57:02.600 align:center
experiment in various different ways.

00:57:02.680 --> 00:57:06.480 align:center
What it often is is a woman
who's a former slag and misses it

00:57:07.760 --> 00:57:10.359 align:center
and a man who's trying
to keep his marriage together.

00:57:10.440 --> 00:57:13.000 align:center
It's really quite romantic.

00:57:14.560 --> 00:57:16.399 align:center
The best one I've seen…
I watch it just for you,

00:57:16.480 --> 00:57:18.440 align:center
for research purposes, you understand.

00:57:18.960 --> 00:57:21.520 align:center
The best one I've seen
is a couple exactly as I described

00:57:21.600 --> 00:57:23.600 align:center
decide, in their wisdom,
instead of having a foursome

00:57:23.680 --> 00:57:25.279 align:center
just them and another couple,

00:57:25.359 --> 00:57:29.759 align:center
they decide to have an orgy with everybody
else who's in the Open House at that time.

00:57:29.839 --> 00:57:31.720 align:center
They walk into a room, which is dimly lit

00:57:31.799 --> 00:57:34.359 align:center
'cause some people
know how to light a room for sex.

00:57:35.440 --> 00:57:37.319 align:center
And they're confronted
with just a pile of people

00:57:37.399 --> 00:57:39.120 align:center
who've already started without them

00:57:39.200 --> 00:57:41.440 align:center
They're all, "Aaah! Uhhh!"

00:57:41.520 --> 00:57:43.319 align:center
"Ooh! Eeeh!"

00:57:49.240 --> 00:57:51.960 align:center
One clown in there,
having the time of his fucking life.

00:57:56.240 --> 00:57:59.440 align:center
The woman in the couple immediately starts
going down on another woman,

00:57:59.520 --> 00:58:01.680 align:center
just, "Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!"

00:58:01.759 --> 00:58:03.720 align:center
That's not the right sound, is it?

00:58:05.040 --> 00:58:06.919 align:center
I've never done that,
but I've had it done to me,

00:58:07.000 --> 00:58:08.799 align:center
and I would not mind that sound at all.

00:58:08.879 --> 00:58:11.080 align:center
"Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!"

00:58:12.919 --> 00:58:16.200 align:center
You know, like when
somebody's having corn on the cob? Yeah.

00:58:19.799 --> 00:58:22.359 align:center
So she's going down on this other lady,
having a lovely time.

00:58:22.440 --> 00:58:24.120 align:center
The man is standing…

00:58:27.120 --> 00:58:29.120 align:center
looking for an in.

00:58:30.799 --> 00:58:33.520 align:center
It's one of the saddest things
I think I've ever seen on television.

00:58:33.600 --> 00:58:36.480 align:center
It reminded me… You know before Christmas,
when you do your last food shop,

00:58:36.560 --> 00:58:39.399 align:center
and you're driving
round the car park looking for a space?

00:58:39.480 --> 00:58:41.359 align:center
It reminded me of that
'cause he was like this.

00:58:45.560 --> 00:58:47.759 align:center
"Is he pulling out? Is he pulling out?"

00:58:54.240 --> 00:58:56.480 align:center
"No, he's just straightening up."

00:58:58.120 --> 00:59:00.799 align:center
You've been amazing. Thank you so much.
Lots of love. Goodnight.

00:59:00.879 --> 00:59:03.520 align:center
Thank you very much! Thank you very much.

00:59:03.600 --> 00:59:06.720 align:center
Thank you very much!

00:59:07.319 --> 00:59:08.279 align:center
Bye!

00:59:39.399 --> 00:59:41.160 align:center
Woo-hoo!
very much!