Please be seated.
We have gathered here
to witness the joining of these two beloved souls.
It has been said that love is patient, love is kind,
but I have found it to be much more life-threatening than that.
When we first fall in love, we become soft.
And in our softness, we are stabbed all the way through the chest.
That's love.
It's a metal rod through the heart, piercing you.
Every day, you hope that that rod isn't ripped out.
But like any risk,
it's the thrill that makes it all worthwhile.
To love fully, one must offer themselves up.
The most important decision is who you trust to hold
the other end of that metal rod.
And now the couple has decided to write their own vows.
Rachel, we'll start with you first.
Nicky.
Falling for you was so easy and happened so fast.
Our first date was in a rental car
and lasted four days.
-Hm. -Four days.
And… I remember thinking…
"I never wanna get out of this car."
Aw.
And four days is now… …forever.
I spent my life trying to arm myself
against bad luck, always…
in pursuit of certainty. But,
yeah, as we know, this week has put us through the fucking wringer.
Sorry. Put us through the wringer.
And through it all, I realized that
you can't rely on certainty because there…
there is no certainty in marriage, in love, in anything.
The only certainty in life is death.
So fuck certainty.
I have nothing to worry about.
Because you… you are my good luck charm.
You have always, always, always been my good luck charm.
It's true.
So…
I vow, Nicky, to see you truly as you have done for me.
And I promise to…
believe in you and believe in us.
Because that is… that's really what this… this is.
It's… it's a leap of faith that we don't know what's gonna happen,
but we believe it's gonna work out.
And I…
I believe you are my soulmate.
So wherever we… we're going… wherever we're going…
I never wanna get out of this rental car.
Okay, I'm done.
-Okay, Nicky, your turn. -Yeah. Okay.
I wrote mine down. Um…
Rachel.
Um… I wish I went first. That's tough. That is tough to follow.
Okay, Rachel, as you could see from the second you got here,
I grew up in a household where marriage was highly regarded.
So of course, when you told me two weeks into our relationship
that you'd never get married, I thought,
"She's the one."
Um, but really, I never had to interrogate if you were the one
because I always just knew.
And after spending one hour with you,
I thought to myself, "I hope… I hope every hour is like this."
"And if I don't spend the rest of my life with her,
it's because I fucked up really badly."
I made a vow to myself not to fuck it up really badly
so that I could stand at an altar one day making vows to you.
So here we are.
I promise to always give you my love,
my time, my understanding.
I promise to be a nonjudgmental partner in whatever adventures you seek.
I promise to stand beside you always,
even in times of disagreement.
There is nothing in the world that matters more to me than you.
And I won't let anything get between us.
I love you.
That was beautiful.
That was beautiful, both of you.
Okay, now for the big moment, yeah. The… the rings, please.
There you go. This is for you.
This is for you.
Oh, I'm shaking.
Okay.
Rachel Alexandra Harkin,
do you take Nicholas Summer Cunningham to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to have and to hold in sickness and in health till death do you part?
I do.
Nicholas Summer Cunningham,
do you take Rachel Alexandra Harkin to be your lawfully wedded wife,
to have and to hold in sickness and in health until death do you part?
A simple "I do" is all I need, son.
I, uh…
You good?
I, um…
I wrote these vows… a week ago,
and they don't quite feel…
Because you… you're… you're right.
This week, it put us through the wringer,
and everything I thought I knew
about… about love and… and marriage, it's changed.
It's all changed.
And I… I… I understand you now better than I… I ever have before.
I… I see now what you were saying.
What are you doing?
Marriage destroys people.
And it was already starting to get to us.
And you know what? I, um…
I don't want our relationship to change.
-Stick to the script. -What are you doing?
Marriage has been a poison.
-Marriage has been-- Stop, okay, I got it. -You okay?
It's been a poison in my family, and I just…
I pushed you here when you didn't want to.
What are you doing?
Rachel, all I want is to spend the rest of my life with you.
But I don't want us to be like them.
I want us to have the privilege of genuinely choosing each other every day.
-Like we always have. -Everyone, it's okay.
The rental car is taking a hard left, far away from here.
-But we're still in the car. -Mm-mm. Nicky. Look at me. Look at me.
Marry me. Marry me. You have to marry me. Right now.
I'm freeing us from the institution.
-Are you fucking serious? -Rachel…
Are you fucking serious?
This is what you want.
-Stop. Oh my God, this is… -I'm serious.
Why don't we just give the couple some time to sort things out?
-No. -Everybody just stay put.
Rachel!
Let's just get the keys, get in the car, and drive. Fuck all this.
-Tell me you're not serious. -Sorry I pushed us here. I'm fixing it.
This week has been kind of a nightmare.
What if it was a vision of our future? I'm not gonna let that happen to us.
Of course this week was a nightmare.
It's the week of our wedding. What do you think that is?
You were supposed to take the leap of faith with me.
-I did. I did. That's what I was doing. -No!
That was you hiding behind a philosophy
and fearing a future based on other people's bad decisions!
I was the one putting my confidence in us!
-I'm doing the same thing. -Oh, how is this the same thing?
You just agreed that all that matters is us.
-I'm looking out for us. -How?
I just refuted my family's whole value system for you!
But I didn't ask you to!
Okay, but Rach, I know you never wanted to get married.
And now I… I see it, and I finally understand why.
You have to marry me. No, we have to get married.
Rachel, you've literally always said you never wanted to get married.
That was before I knew there was a marriage curse tied to my bloodline.
And if you hadn't proposed to me, we'd be fine, and it's not your fault.
Okay, it is not your fault. You didn't know.
I didn't know, but now we know, and now we have to get married.
That's not a reason to get married.
It should be because we love each other and we believe in that.
I know, but that's not the fucking situation that we're in now.
Oh my God. Why are you doing this now?
What the fuck, Nicky?
Why are you doing this now?
Yeah, more. More. More. Yeah, that, yeah, thank you.
That's how much everyone should be getting.
Even the minors. That one's for you.
He was in crisis, Victoria.
He was looking to me for guidance, and I had to be honest.
How was I supposed to know he'd react like that?
Because he idolizes us.
He thinks we have the perfect marriage.
We do.
You ruined my relationship with my son.
I will never have the chance to regain his trust.
-No. No, no. He loves you so much. -You took away my ending.
Wait, come back. Victoria.
Honey, what happened up there?
Are you okay with this? Is Nicky okay? What do we do?
Thank you. It's… it's just a little, silly disagreement. They will be fine.
Can someone do, uh, the rounds? I don't want anyone thirsty. Cheers.
Cheers.
Like you mean it. Mommy, hi! I'm keeping the energy up.
Why'd you even propose to me then? Hm?
If I've always said I didn't wanna get married?
All it took was you finding out that your parents' marriage isn't perfect.
That's what you needed.
To do the thing that I've been saying I wanted since the day we met.
I could have told you an hour into knowing them, Nicky,
that your parents don't have the marriage you've idolized.
Your mother is lovely, yes, but she's also a narcissist.
And your father is a broken romantic
who's looking for something to stuff the rest of himself into.
So their marriage only works because he reveres her.
And she needs to be revered.
He's completely consumed by her, and still he's not enough for her.
So they're both empty, and it's depressing to watch.
Thanks, Rachel, yeah. Thanks. Thank you for that.
So I guess we both don't wanna end up like your parents.
And, um, just to be clear in that scenario,
I'm the romantic, and you're the narcissist.
Oh. That's nice.
Yeah, no, that does make sense actually
because our whole relationship revolves around you.
Okay.
It's always me reassuring you that everything's okay,
even when there's literally nothing going on!
Because you think something's always out to get you,
so I'm always tiptoeing around your sensitivities.
Okay.
-'Cause you can't handle anything. -I get it. I get it.
-Not even one day with my family… -I get it, Nicky.
…without me there, constantly reassuring you.
Every little thing is just an exhausting puzzle with you.
-Nothing is easy. -I get it.
-You're a really hard person to love! -I know!
Okay? I know!
Is that what you wanna hear?
Oh, fuck.
Cheers, everyone. That's it, bring the cheer.
Feel like it was me. It was me.
Should we leave? Wait, should we leave?
Portia said the ceremony's gonna resume soon.
Why'd you say yes, then?
-When I proposed, why'd you say yes? -Because…
Because… because I knew how much it meant to you,
and I… and I… I loved you, and…
Nicky, you're, like, the only person who could have gotten me here.
You loved me?
Do you not love me anymore?
-No. Go away. -I wanna know her answer.
-Get out. -My God.
Mom wants you in there, kissing and smiling
like you didn't slap her in the face in front of her bloodline
and everyone in this world she loves and respects.
-Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. -Ew, your hands are slimy.
Yes, Nicky, of course I love you still, okay?
And one of the things that I love the most about you
is that you are a rock, you are consistent, you are stable,
and you don't do things like dump me at the altar.
I wasn't breaking up with you.
-I was saving us. -Oh, good, yeah.
Do you think it worked?
If you really wanted to save us,
you would have said "I do" up there because I had everything under control.
Okay?
I had to go through a lot to get up there and say yes with confidence.
And if you don't marry me by sundown, the curse spreads to you and your family.
So, you know, actually, I was saving you.
-Oh my God, Rachel. What? -What do you mean, "what"?
Why are you acting shocked?
But I mean, haven't you seen Runaway Bride? It's a classic.
Oh, hi, guys. So great to see you.
-So cute. -Okay! Hi…
Fuck, I cannot get over it. Are you shaking? I'm like shaking a bit.
I don't wanna say it, but you owe me $50 each.
Oh my gosh. You guys made a bet?
After the rehearsal dinner, it seemed like a safe bet.
Technically, the bet was about her calling it off.
-You too? -What? I like money.
You lost the bet.
So, it's actually encrusted with rhinestones, not diamonds.
But the back is custom. Please don't touch, it's fragile.
Ugh! This is typical…
What the fuck was he thinking?
I don't know.
-And she didn't drink-- -I don't know.
What I'm saying is that from my perspective,
you've been extra on edge since we got here.
And then you told me something bad was gonna happen.
And then you started talking about curses.
So can't you see why it made sense to me
that you'd be into the idea of us not getting married?
Like, all of that stuff coming up before our wedding,
it had to be caused in part by, like, the pressure or something.
Sorry. Nicky, stop.
What?
Do you not believe in the curse?
Marriage is the curse.
-I'm absolving us from that. -Oh my God, no, Nicky.
The curse is the curse. The absolution was us getting married.
Do you think that I, like, made this up?
-What? -I don't think you made it up. I just…
What? Tell me what it is, what?
What is it, like, a fear of commitment or stress?
-No, I don't… I just… -What?!
I think… both of us have been cursed in our own ways
by the systems that raised us.
Oh my God.
And by not getting married, we are fixing that.
So when I say that I will die if you and I are not soulmates,
you don't believe me?
I don't think… Rachel…
What?
You don't think what?
Yeah, I don't think that would happen.
You literally just told me you believe me. You literally just told me you believe me.
Right before I walked down the aisle. This is crazy. This is crazy.
Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
This is crazy. I can't believe it!
-No, no. No, no. -I didn't mean for it to get like this.
You know that I put my confidence in us
because I thought that you saw me!
I thought that we saw each other.
Can we just go back… Can we just go back to, like, four hours ago, please?
I like what I see…
Bride's side or groom's?
-Groom. -I knew it. Are you married?
-Uh, yeah. -To each other?
-Yeah. -Do you believe she's your soulmate?
Yeah. For sure.
For sure.
Sorry. Um, we're just gonna go back… back… back to our table. Let's go.
What happens at a wedding reception where there's no bride or groom?
Is that, like, a setup for one of your bad jokes?
-No, honey, it's a genuine question. -How should I know?
-Please, for you, sir. -No!
Hmm.
I don't know what you want me to do! I--
You don't let me think independently of you!
You don't accept it when I don't share your exact perspective.
I can't change what I believe in.
But you can't believe me!
-Okay, that's different. -You can't believe me!
-That's different, okay? -How?
I don't believe in, like, supernatural shit
or, like, cosmic retribution or curses.
Okay. Well, I don't believe in fucking aliens,
but if you told me that with certainty that you saw a fucking alien,
I would believe you, Nicky.
I'm sorry, Rachel. I don't… I-- You don't…
You knew this about me, okay? This isn't, like, new information.
What you do… What you do, Nicky, when you love someone is
you believe the person that you love. That's what trust is.
So when you told me that you believed me, I believed you.
Instead of looking at a catalog of all the things you've said in the past
because I am fucking seeing you in the moment, in every moment,
I am looking at you, and you just… you don't fucking do that for me.
You don't.
You just… You chose a version of me a long time ago, and that's all I am, and…
…then you get… you get frustrated when I'm not it
because then you don't know who to be, and you know what? It's bad, Nicky.
It's a bad fucking quality
because you have made it impossible, impossible for me to exist!
Two tequilas, please.
Hmm.
-I like your jacket. -Yeah, thanks.
Can I have it?
3:45. I'm getting them.
Hey.
What the fuck is going on in there?
Fuckers.
Impossible!
Let me in.
Rachel, the sun sets at 4:44. That's less than an hour.
-What the hell are you doing? -I need a minute.
You're running out of minutes. I'm getting the master key. Dickheads.
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights Thinkin' how you did me wrong…
There's my boy! Jude, come, come, come, come, come. Come on. Come on.
If you weren't… if you weren't cursed, would you still have said yes?
Oh my God, that's irrelevant!
It's like asking me,
"Oh, do you think you'd be right-handed if you had no fucking arms?"
Well, I still want an answer.
Just turn around now…
You have nothing to say. You know what, Nicky?
But actually, you were just babied by your mother
and sheltered from the entire fucking world,
so you know nothing about the real world, Nicky. Nothing.
Oh, no, not I, I will survive…
…an evil person. I think your brain should be studied.
God, that was, like, two fucking years ago, Nicky.
Okay, well, I would never disappear on you for a fucking week.
I'll survive…
Go smoke some weed about it.
You think you're a romantic?
Hey, hey
Stoop to my level?
You're the most manipulative fucking person I've--
It took all the strength I had Not to fall apart
Kept tryin' hard To mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh-so many nights Just feelin' sorry for myself…
Oh my God.
-I knew you would ruin the wedding. -I didn't, Portia.
I… I know that this has been a tough week, but whatever problems you two are having,
I… I promise you will be able to work it out, okay?
But now is not the time.
-Just let them do what they need to do. -Nope, not now.
They have to get married, Dad. They have to.
-What happened out there, man? -I don't need this right now.
None of us need this right now. Grow up and get married.
-What the hell are you doing? -Get out of my way.
-Hey. -You didn't drink it?
No, I… I put my faith in him.
Why would you do that?
-Because I was 98%. -Sorry, drink what?
What the fuck are you doing? Look at her. Marry her.
Who cares about your brand-new life philosophy?
-Marry her, or we're all fucked! -And, uh, drink what, Nell?
Oh, shut up, Portia. You have to get married.
-Oh, what, because of the curse? -Yes!
-He doesn't believe in it. -Oh, it's real.
And if you don't marry her, it spreads to our family.
That means Jude's gonna have it too, right?
-What do you mean? All of us? -Yes.
I don't understand.
All right, everybody just calm down.
Sweetheart. Hey.
You didn't mean what you said out there, did you?
I was…
-I was just trying to do the right thing. -You have five minutes.
Jules!
Okay, come on. Let's go. Dad, get ready to say your thing.
-Let's go get that witness. -Stop it, Jules.
-Why aren't any of you moving? -I'm moving…
Rachel, come on. Rachel, come on.
Okay, let's just go out there and… and finish the ceremony. You know?
You have no reason to be embarrassed.
No one's mad.
Sweetheart, look at me.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Come on.
I'm so sorry. Hey.
Should we try again? Do you wanna…
Do you wanna go back out there and try again?
What do you say? What do you say?
Rachel, should we…
What do you say?
No.
No, Nicky.
I'm not gonna marry you.
Oh, when will I stop Stop, stop, stop loving you, baby?
-No, no, never, no, never, no, yeah -Never, never
When the ocean's as dry as sand
When I can hold the world In the palm of one hand
When we can take a walk to the moon
When I can place the world And its people in one room…
-What are you doing? -I'm not gonna fucking die for him.
You're not gonna die. You said you believe he was your soulmate.
-Well, I don't. -Rachel, come on.
-Please do this one thing for me. -This one thing? This one thing?
Nicky, I did all of this for you. I did all of this for you.
I said yes to the proposal for you.
I said yes up there because I believed in you, but I'm done.
I'm done, okay?
I'm not gonna betray myself for you anymore.
I deserve a second chance. I deserve a second chance.
-Rachel. Come on. -Don't do this, please.
All you had to do was believe me, Nicky.
Fuck, it's 4:45.
-Full-time groover -Full-time groover
I'll…
Oh, I'll be your baby
Oh my God.
Jude! Jude!
What do we do? What do we do?
I don't know. I don't know.
I can't hear you!
I'll… I'll figure it out, okay? I'm gonna… Fuck, where is he?
-Zander? -Baby?
You're okay. You're okay. Just sit right here.
Mama! Mama!
Look out!
You! Look.
Sorry. You're okay.
Just put pressure on it. You're gonna be fine.
Honey, what the hell is happening to your family? Oh my God!
Close your eyes, son. Close your eyes.
Hey! You!
This is what you meant? Why didn't you fucking tell me this would happen?
I warned you. I told you it would spread to his bloodline.
Mom, no.
I knew that bitch was satanic from the second I saw her.
-No one listens to me. -No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What's happening?
It'll be okay. Huh? You're okay.
-Lock the door. -Okay.
And don't let anyone in but me and Nellie, got it?
Okay.
-Keep the TV on loud. -Super Bowl LX, Patriots--
I love you. And I won't let anything happen to you.
I'll be right back. I promise.
It's gonna be an absolute bloodbath as Seahawks take the field.
Okay, listen. This fucking curse spread to our bloodline.
That's gonna happen to me?
Not if you think your Vegas husband's your soulmate.
You got married?
Mom, I'm so sorry. It was a mistake. I never should have done it.
-Mom? Mom? Forgive me. -This isn't happening.
It is happening, and it's your fault, you stupid shit.
All you had to do was marry her.
This all happened because you didn't marry her.
I think there's something we can do to stop it.
-Guys, what do we do? -Sweetie, we're getting help.
I'm sorry. It was a mistake.
Why didn't you sign the divorce papers?
I don't know what my life looks like without you.
-Oh my God! -Am I bleeding?
Not yet.
Rach. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I totally fucked up.
And I'm so, so sorry.
I believe you're my soulmate, and I'm yours. We're soulmates.
You believe me now?
I do.
I promise.
I promise I'll always believe you from now on, I promise.
-I promise. -No, Nicky.
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
Rachel.
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No! No! He can't sign that.
You already said your vows.
-They wanted to complete the ceremony. -Hurry up, please!
No, but the curse already spread, so this is not gonna stop it, right?
It won't stop it. Nicky.
Nicky. Nicky. We… Look at me.
We both have the fucking curse now. Getting married is only gonna kill us.
-Not if we're soulmates. -We're not.
I still think you're mine.
Jules…
We had to try to save everyone.
My son has it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm sorry.
You…
We're still soulmates, right?
Right?
I'm so sorry.
-Sorry, Rach. -Rachel.
No, Rachel.
Rachel, wait, wait. Jules, what did-- You said… you said it would work.
-Why didn't it work? -It's too late. I'm sorry.
You're okay, baby girl.
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
You're okay.
For me?
Finally, you've come for me.
Why isn't it happening to you?
Do you know where my lighter is?
It's okay. It's okay.
Jude.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you, okay?
But remember that…
it did happen.
So don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You're gonna be okay. Yeah?
Listen to me.
You have to be really, really, really, really careful who you choose to marry.
But don't worry. I'll be there to witness, okay?
Okay.
I'll see you later.
You just stepped into the main track
Climbed down off the fence
Words are your weapon
Lies are your defense
I know what you want
And I see what you see
You're looking for somebody
But he isn't me
Find yourself another
We will not be lovers
Now your eyes are like torches
Your presence is bliss
I never knew time
Could speed and zip like this
The touch of your flesh
Is tough to resist
Planets collide, collide, collide
At the smack of your kiss
But you can kiss your brother
Because we will not be lovers, no
Now you're pulling down curtains
Sparking old flames
Causing disturbance
Crying for shame
Rapping on doors
Abusing my name
Casting up doubt
Throwing your blame But you can throw it at your mother
At your mother
Because we will not be lovers
Now the world's full of trouble
Everybody's scared
Landlords are frowning
Cupboards are bare
People are scrambling
Like dogs for a share
It's cruel and it's hard
But it nothing compared to What we do to each other
To each other compared to What we do to each other