[riders screaming]
[screaming]
[Lu] Shin, where are you?
[screaming]
[Obiguro sighs] I cannot stand big crowds.
Let's get this over with so we can go home.
Quit clowning around. Don't treat this like it ain't a big deal.
We're hard-boiled for this one.
Boiled, don't you talk down to me like you're all that.
Who do you think you are?
That's emotional harassment.
- Watch it! - [gasps] What? What did I do?
You weren't watching where you're stepping, Obiguro.
Huh?
[Boiled] Coulda killed an ant.
My target is the only life I take. That's my motto.
You think you're so hot.
He's so hot!
- One more thing! - [yelps] What now?
[Boiled] Your feet hurt? Need a breather?
[Obiguro] And so sweet!
[riders screaming]
[opening theme song playing]
Okay. Get it over with. Hurry up and do it!
HARD-BOILED
- Quit squirming, and I will. - Hurry it up!
- [whines] - You whiny baby,
it's medicine, it's good for you!
Now come here, I still have to put some in your other eye.
You're lucky, this guy just happened to have the antidote on him.
Yeah. Standard practice when you're working with poison.
Who are you working for?
ON OUR BREAK
[laughs] If I answer that question, will you let me go?
Hm?
This knife, does it have poison on it?
Huh?
- Hey, Lu, what are you do-- - Ouchie.
Every second, I'm pouring out one drop of the antidote.
Start talking if you want me to stop.
Wait, I still need some for my other eye!
[sighs]
I was hired by a company called Dondenkai, Limited.
A shady assassin agency that specializes in one-man operations.
Of course, in the underworld, I guess they're all shady, aren't they?
For all that bluster about death not scaring you,
it didn't take much to get you to talk.
[Tatsu laughs] I didn't say I wanted to die.
This is just a paycheck, as far as I'm concerned.
I don't have any company loyalty or anything.
Are you a JAA assassin?
Yeah, of course.
What's the JAA?
Uh...
Here. My old license.
JAA PERMIT
[Lu] "Japanese Association of Assassins?"
An organization that regulates professional hit men.
REQUEST - MIDDLEMAN - RETAINER - PAYMENT
Mr. Sakamoto and I used to be in it.
There are about 400 registered pros in Japan.
It looks just like a Japanese driver's license.
Yeah, but these are a whole lot harder to get.
[Lu] You look awful in this picture.
[Shin] Give it back.
Sakamoto, I have a question for you, if you don't mind.
I heard, you used to be a member of The Order.
- That true? - What's he talking about?
[Tatsu] I'll be damned. It's not just an urban legend, then.
[Hana] Look! There they are!
It's Daddy! And Shin, and Lu!
We were wondering where you three had disappeared to.
I don't know about you, but I'm getting hungry.
[Hana chuckles]
[Hana] Oh! It's the bad guy Sugar beat up!
What have you been up to?
Oh! [stammers] The guy from the show earlier
was practicing his rope escape magic trick,
- and we wanted to watch! - How cool!
You were great today.
Daddy! I helped Mommy make lunches!
[Shin] Sounds great! I saw a nice place to sit over there.
[Lu] I can't wait to see what you made for us, Hana!
[Hana] Onigiri with salmon, and tuna, and pickled plum...
I hope you understand if I take these things with me.
Don't mess with us again, you got it?
Huh? You're not gonna kill me?
No, of course we're not.
We came here to have fun.
They don't call this place an amusement park for nothing.
Uh... huh?
[Hana] Thanks for the show!
You looked really cool! Bye-bye!
- Uh... Thank you? - [Hana giggles]
Did you say what you wanted?
[Hana] Yeah, yeah! And... and I gave him a bandage so he'd feel better!
[Tatsu] What a bunch of weirdos.
[sighs]
What's the point of all this anyway?
One more ride, and I'll go home.
[Shin groans]
[Lu] What's the matter?
[Shin] Nothing. That antidote's just making me a little woozy.
I don't think I can read minds anymore today.
What? You're our danger detector!
[Shin] It's never happened before, I swear.
[whispers] Boss Man, it's too dangerous. We should go.
I'm sorry. I've never felt so useless!
[Sakamoto] Hmm.
- [Aoi] Excuse me? - [gasping]
Mommy, what's going on?
You're all acting very strange.
You're not hiding something, are you?
[all gasp]
- [tap turns] - [water running]
[turns off tap]
[sighs]
Is something weighing on your mind?
Happy to lend an ear, Tatsu.
- [grunts] - [Obiguro chuckles]
Where do you think you're slinking off to, naughty boy?
I could answer that question if I could get air in my lungs.
You're a lot heavier than you look.
[chuckles] Still the smart-mouthed brat I rememb--
- Hey! - [gasps] What is it?
[Boiled] What are you thinking?
A girl shouldn't sit with her legs spread like that.
[exclaims in embarrassment]
Like, where am I supposed to look, ya know?
[Obiguro] "A girl"?
So to what do I owe the privilege, Boiled? And Obiguro...
We heard you needed help changing your diaper.
I swear, it's like chaperoning a field trip.
Lucky for you, we showed up,
or Dondenkai probably would've given you the axe. Literally.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
[chuckles] I can hardly wait.
It's the legend himself.
Taro Sakamoto.
[Boiled] I forgot. You ain't never met him before.
[scoffs] It's starting to make my scar ache.
Wait! If it's making your scar ache, did Sakamoto give it to--
Of course not!
I just fell is all.
What? You got a scar like that...
[Tatsu] They've got kind of a wacky vibe, but I'm not fooled.
Two years ago, this duo took out over 100 people
in the Balkan conflict all by themselves.
Dondenkai's martial arts masters.
Oh, those weirdos are done for.
[Shin] What? No, no, we're not hiding anything!
Why in the world would we be hiding anything?
Oh, was it the onigiri? Did it not agree with you?
Are you still hungry? Was it not enough?
Daddy? Are you not having fun?
The onigiri was delicious!
And we're having the time of our lives, Hana!
Uh-huh, this guy's having so much fun, he fell off the rollercoaster!
[Sakamoto] Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Oh, well that's good. I'm so glad you're all okay.
Now, we think we know what our next stop is. If you're up for it.
Of course! We can go anywhere you want!
[Lu] Mm. Mm.
[cheerful music playing]
[Hana and Aoi laughing]
- Where should we go next? - The Ferris Wheel!
[exclaims]
[Lu whimpers]
[riders scream]
[Hana and Aoi laughing]
[cheerful music ends]
Mr. Sakamoto, it doesn't look like there are any threats in the area.
We're in the clear. It's a nice, bright open space.
[Sakamoto] Conditions that aren't suitable for assassination.
[Aoi] Here we are!
HOSPITAL OF TERROR
[both] It's the haunted house!
[exclaiming]
[Shin] Prime conditions for assassination!
GUIDE
Welcome, friends, to the Hospital of Terror.
The vengeful souls of patients
carved up by a mad doctor haunt these halls.
Careful, now.
No one's ever walked through here, and lived to tell the tale.
Oh, my heart's beating out of my chest!
It's scary, huh, Mommy?
[eerie ambiance in background]
Huh? Whatcha got there?
My anxiety medication.
[Shin sighs] Scaredy cat.
OPERATING ROOM
Now, I hope you enjoy your stay.
[Lu whimpers, gulps]
[Boiled] All right.
I think it's about time for a horror show of our own.
[moans]
[Lu screams]
[Aoi and Hana squeal]
[Aoi] I can see why it's Japan's number one haunted house.
This is impressive!
[Shin] Yeah, nice attention to detail.
[Lu whimpers]
Good news, your family's having a great time.
Stay focused.
Right. Not a problem.
- [grunts] - [Lu screams]
[Shin] Watch out!
[Aoi screams] Another zombie!
- [Hana giggling] - Wait, what?
- Why did he stop moving? - [hitman groans]
He pretended to be scared,
so they wouldn't see him when he fought back!
Mr. Sakamoto's the best!
[birds cawing]
EXIT
- [Hana squeals] - [laughs] It's scary, huh?
What's that?
Oh, it's his hit man license.
He must be a rookie, he hasn't had it very long.
Well, if that's all they've got left,
I'd say that means we've got nothing to worry about.
[Sakamoto] If that's all they've got left.
[Obiguro] Hm. For a guy of his size, he moves pretty well.
Now I want to find out what he's capable of
when he really has to try.
THE COMPLETE COLLECTION WITH PICTURES
[Obiguro laughs] Just imagining it is giving me the shivers.
[Boiled] You don't mess with him.
[creaking]
I'm gonna hard-boil his ass.
The sound of that thing is driving me crazy.
That stress workout habit of yours can't possibly be good for you.
[chuckles] Don't worry, I won't get in the way of your good time.
He's an old friend of yours, isn't he?
- [glass breaking] - [Obiguro screams]
Ah! He ain't my friend.
A guy like that? He couldn't be.
ASSASSIN TRAINING SCHOOL (JAPAN CLEAR CREATION)
Hey there.
BOILED (15 YEARS OLD)
You're Sakamoto, yeah?
SAKAMOTO (14 YEARS OLD)
I've heard about you.
Word is you're a lot stronger than you look.
Friend of mine said you steamrolled him in field training the other day.
I had to see for myself.
Oh, you don't need to worry. I ain't looking for revenge or nothing.
[gunshots]
Stone-cold killer, I like you.
You're hard-boiled.
Me and Sakamoto were two of a kind.
We started spending time together.
Not just in classes or on assignments.
RICE BOWL
You know, Sakamoto,
it's Valentine's Day for the regular people of the world.
THE HIT MAN TIMES
Too bad. Couple of hard-boiled guys like us?
We ain't getting no chocolates from no girls.
Oh, my god, there he is!
- [girl 1] Go on, go on. - [girl 2] Excuse me. Sakamoto?
For you.
I made these chocolates myself.
And I borrowed some empty bullet casings
from your favorite ...44 magnum to use as the molds.
[sighs]
- [young Nagumo] Sakamoto! - Hm?
Nagumo.
I got all this chocolate from the girls in the Assassination Department.
Hm? Who's that guy?
- No clue. - [screams]
Oh.
If you want any of it, the chocolate's yours.
[Nagumo] I didn't take any from the girls in the Poison Department, though.
- Hey, move your ass, it's in the way! - [yells]
I really thought me and Sakamoto were two of a kind.
But it turns out he wasn't hard-boiled after all.
[Obiguro] He's got a grudge against this guy!
I see what's going on.
This is a job that means something to you,
because you're trying to settle an old score.
- I'm shivering alrea-- - I am not!
[screams] I ain't trying to settle nothing.
[Obiguro] I love it when he acts tough. It's so hot!
[footsteps]
[Sakamoto groans]
[Shin] How many people did they hide in this place?
[Sakamoto] Cost of labor. Yikes.
[whines] I wanna go home, I don't like it here!
There are zombies everywhere!
This is the most fun I've had in my whole life!
Just as you'd expect from a Sakamoto.
Unlike you, Hana's got nerves of steel.
- [grunts in frustration] Leave me alone. - Huh?
I can take it.
Jeez, what is that stuff anyway?
[giggles] An old family remedy to keep evil spirits away.
[sniffs] Ugh! I thought you called it medicine,
- that's straight alcohol! - [laughing drunkenly]
- [clattering] - Uh?
[banging]
Huh?
[banging continues]
- Keep it down, you're so loud! - [Shin screams]
[zombies growl]
Why'd you have to open the damn door?
[screaming]
[grunts] We're getting separated!
[screaming excitedly]
Hm?
[exhilarating music playing]
[Sakamoto spits]
Outta the way.
[Boiled] Long time no see.
Remember me, Sakamoto?
Can't say I do.
Where's my family?
Huh?
I'm gonna show you hell.
[Boiled] When we're done here, you will remember me.
Not that I care one way or the other. [sniffles]
[grunts] Hana!
Mrs. Sakamoto!
Good.
They're only unconscious.
[Obiguro] Aww... Looks like I drew the short straw.
The little ones always leave me feeling unsatisfied.
Who the hell do you th-- [gasps]
[exhilarating music continues]
Come at me, grandma.
These moves have been passed down for 4,000 years.
You mean tai chi? Or drunken fist?
You reek!
[sniffles] Well, well.
- Aren't you a lively one? - [laughs]
You're giving me the shivers.
[Boiled exhales]
You really don't remember me, Sakamoto?
That's hard to believe.
I said I don't.
Give it a rest.
Now where's my family?
[Boiled] Well, that's fine with me.
'Cause I barely remember you either.
Just so you know.
[Sakamoto] Answer the question.
If you lost something, find it yourself.
What do you think I look like, your mama?
Boom.
You disappoint me, Sakamoto.
[slurps] Sounds like it's started.
[hiccups] Keep your eyes on the prize, grandma!
- [Obiguro] You're not half bad. - [exclaims softly]
[Obiguro] That was a nice punch.
It had just the right amount of spice.
What'd you say?
That said... you'll have to do better.
[groans]
[Lu] I'm gonna be sick...
Oh, no, Lu!
[Obiguro sighs] All right.
If I felt so inclined, I could finish both of you off in no time at all.
But that wouldn't be very satisfying for me.
So instead... [giggles]
- [both grunting] - Huh?
- [Shin] Hey, what're you doing? Get off! - Hm?
I'm gonna motivate you to try a little harder.
[muffled grunts]
Based on personal experience,
people reveal their true potential when they have no other choice.
[saw whirring]
[muffled screams]
The rules are simple.
From now on, you have to make contact with me once every ten seconds.
If you can't manage that,
I'll have the boy shredded to pieces.
[muffled screams]
Your time is already running out.
Makes you shiver, huh?
[crying] I'll never be able to do that!
[sniffles] Goodbye, Shin!
[Obiguro] Now she's a sad drunk?
You been out of the game for a long time now.
You feel it, Sakamoto?
You just got hit by the five year gap between me and you.
It's sad, really.
Back in the day, you were about as hard-boiled as they come.
- No sense fighting back. - [thuds]
Not with my signature Super Ball Bombs.
AKA: SBB.
And my Rocket Dynamite Punch.
AKA: RDP.
I can hit you from any distance, at any angle.
Bet you forgot that, too, didn't you?
[Sakamoto] So lame.
[young Boiled] Hey! Sakamoto, Nagumo, look at this!
You put dynamite inside this canister,
and the explosion propels your fist forward.
Sick shit, huh?
Whoa, interesting.
Whatcha call it?
It's my Rocket Dynamite Punch!
Or just: RDP.
[young Sakamoto] That's lame.
[young Nagumo] You should call it Super Punch.
[young Boiled] Super? Oh! Maybe I could use that for my Super Balls!
- [young Nagumo] That's a hard pass. - These names are so lame.
- "Super Punch" is all you need. - [young Boiled] What? Why Super Punch?
[Boiled] I used to look up to you!
[dramatic music playing]
All your missions were flawless! Girls gave you chocolate!
But now, look at you! You're weak!
A shadow of the man you were!
And I can never forgive you!
You're half-assed. Can't even protect your family!
All you are is a tub of lard!
[dramatic music climaxes]
[silence]
It's been real, Sakamoto.
So long to the good ol' days.
[gasps]
What was that? I feel a bloodlust in the air.
[Sakamoto] Potassium perchlorate, 10 grams.
Ammonium nitrate, 4.8 grams.
20 grams, penthrite, 3.5 grams nitroglycol.
[Boiled] He knows what my Super Ball Bombs are made of?
[Sakamoto] I remember now, Boiled.
From here on, I'm not holding anything back.
[closing theme song playing]