[hip-hop music playing]
[boy] Fight! I gotta go see this!
[boy 2] Hey, they're fighting! Come on!
[indistinct chatter]
♪ Y'all callin' me crazy ♪
♪ When a bitch been ballin' all day Like Brady ♪
♪ Long hair, this wavy ♪
♪ And a bitch been shoppin' all day No Macy's ♪
♪ Hop out, First Lady ♪
♪ You men can't date me Look at your savings ♪
♪ You still waiting ♪
♪ Still blowin' out daisies Countin' on daydreams ♪
♪ Crazy, got 'em goin' crazy ♪
♪ None of these hatin' ass bitches Gonna phase me ♪
♪ Crazy, got 'em goin' crazy ♪
♪ None of these hatin' ass bitches Gonna phase me ♪
[crowd] Oh!
♪ None of these bitches gonna phase me ♪
♪ Bitch, I got 'em goin' crazy ♪
♪ Huh! ♪
♪ Crazy, got 'em goin' crazy ♪
♪ None of these hatin' ass bitches Gonna phase me ♪
♪ Crazy, got 'em goin' crazy ♪
♪ None of these hatin' ass bitches Gonna phase me ♪
♪ Got 'em goin' crazy ♪
[grunts]
[squeals]
[cheering]
No! No!
[screaming]
[grunting]
[squeals]
It's your third fight, and it's only the third day of school.
She told everyone I have herpes!
Only so I could start a GoFundMe,
which was a total bust, 'cause turns out everyone has it.
See? She's a child, and children sometimes need to be hit.
Hey, we're not gonna hit.
-We can bite, right? -[Principal] Violence is not the answer.
And, Gloria, I expect more from you. You are sophomore class president.
I'm sensing some preferential treatment that borders on inappropriate.
Does this require a call to the school board or your wife?
Gloria, biting's okay as long as you don't break the skin.
Mr. Salazar, if you don't get your daughters in line--
Don't worry.
I'll hit them so hard.
I mean, metaphorically. I'll hit them hard with life lessons.
Good. Next time, it's expulsion.
You can't be home all day. I don't care that you're motherless or my nieces.
The last time I'm gonna save you fools. My fee has gone up. I'm too busy for this!
Sorry we interrupted your game of Animal Crossing, Tío.
Appreciate it. But today's stunt is still gonna cost you each a hundy.
You got a week to settle your debt, or I'll reroute the home phone.
Instead of coming to my cell,
all calls from the school are going straight to your father.
Now goodbye. You can walk home.
As opposed to what? You don't have a car!
[Salazar] One week!
This is your fault! No more!
I'm done! You can officially start taking care of yourself!
Green sauce.
What?
With enchiladas. That's what I want for dinner.
Shit.
[theme song plays]
[grunts] She's ruining my life and probably my future.
I'm on the cusp of getting expelled, and it's all your fault.
-Ours? -[Gloria] Yes!
Where were you assholes?
You were supposed to keep me from fighting Ines.
You know, it doesn't matter. You couldn't have stopped me anyway.
These fists were made for my sister's face.
That's it. I give up.
What God gives with both hands to some people,
he clearly only gave with his pinkie to me.
No, God gave you the middle finger.
I am not gonna let my little sister ruin my reputation!
Oh, Glo, your rep is already wrecked.
For me and Demi, people are starting to associate her with us, and us with her!
Take back control.
I read your horoscope, and your third house of communication is energized.
There's never been a better time to tell Ines how you feel and break free.
Yes, let's all break free and live like it's freshman year again,
when Ines was in middle school and life was good.
I mean, being a sophomore is hard enough without Ines' vibes.
Or Andre's.
Okay, calm your tits, missy. I'm dumping Andre. It's happening.
I hope.
Truth talk. Ines is a black hole of negativity.
I personally could use an Ines cleanse, but you need one!
[boy] We all need one.
It's time! We've evolved, and she hasn't.
She's the tag-along who put dog shit in my backpack on the way to school!
And gave me bangs on the back of my head!
And now I have herpes!
-Oh my God. -I don't have herpes.
Oh.
[groans]
But my sister sucks, and I need boundaries.
-Can I borrow two dollars? -Borrow? Am I gonna get it back?
After I pay my tío.
-I can't believe I'm buying Ines dinner. -[Gloria] I'm sorry.
We owe Tío Tonio a thousand dollars.
A thousand dollars? How are you gonna pay it?
We don't accept these.
But they're silver dollars! They are worth way more than face value!
Have you seen the box with all my baby stuff?
I'm trying to find a silver spoon Tía Maria gave me.
I could get a good chunk of change for it, with silver being so valuable these days.
Like maybe even $150.
[Ines] Mm, more like $310.
Really? You think?
-[Ines] That's what I got for it. -You sold it?
Bitch, stop stressing. Things will work out like they always do.
Things don't just magically work out!
They work out because I figure them out for you!
Yeah, because I have faith.
Okay.
Faith is bullshit.
Having a plan, doing the work. That's what gets you money.
[man] What are you doing in here?
And where did you get that split lip?
-Demi. -Why are you still friends with her?
I don't know.
Oh my.
I was sorting through my things to sell. I wasn't gonna touch Mom's stuff.
I gave this to your mother on our--
-[all] On your third date. -[all chuckle]
You can look through Mom's boxes too. See if there's anything to sell.
Just not this.
Oh, and Saturday, I invited a friend to my birthday dinner.
Oh shit!
We forgot to get Dad a birthday gift.
Ines, while I get ready for this sale to pay off our debt, you get Dad a gift.
Or you get Dad a gift, and I'll put my name on it.
[Gloria] She's done!
While we know the toxicity's never gonna leave my family,
I think I found a way for it to leave the friend group.
I deal with Ines at home and ice her out at school.
What are we celebrating?
-Do it! -[boy] It's easy.
Do it!
Hey!
There's my complicated ray of light,
like sunshine peeking through a lot of grumpy clouds.
I haven't seen you since second period.
[sniffs]
Mm, I miss your smell.
You first. Do it.
No, no, no, ladies first.
Someone go first. This is annoying.
Yeah. Okay. I just wanna say I need to…
Shit!
I'll come with. I have Poo-Pourri!
And I gotta practice my double-arm hang. Getting timed for the record this week.
Is it just me, or does it feel like
this friend group needs to be smaller, more intimate?
Yeah, one of us definitely isn't honoring their purpose.
How are we gonna tell Cam he's out?
[Demi] Bitch has got to go.
We have to tell her, since Gloria never will.
I've never been more attracted to you.
Cam, stop.
You're in a relationship, and we're friends.
Your new fixation on me is just an excuse
to avoid your feelings, or lack of them, for Andre.
Reminder, you don't do guilt well.
Maybe I should be alone.
Alone would be good for you.
But it's depressing. You know, I love love.
I just…
Don't love people. Yeah.
You know, I'm coming to realize there are few people I can even tolerate,
which is why I was feeling like I might be feeling you.
Makes sense, and I'm honored, but this is just a part of your pattern.
You need a new obsession to justify ditching the old one,
but maybe you shouldn't ditch. Maybe stick it out, break your pattern.
Plus, you know I don't bone or home wreck. I'm not a Gemini.
And I won't be comfortable destroying the friend group
when we definitely have a bad breakup.
So we aren't gonna destroy it. We're just gonna trim it down by one.
One Ines.
Two.
Andre's bye-bye. I'm ready to cut bait.
Thank you for your rationalization and rejection.
I actually like the idea of me rolling solo.
You know, wearing a cozy, soft gray cardigan.
No pockets!
See? This is why I've secretly been obsessed with you.
Liar, you have no secrets.
I do. Just never told you for the obvious reason.
Which is…
You'd wreck me.
-What are you doing? -Icing you out.
-Time for you to find your own friends. -Why? Your friends are my friends.
No, my friends are my friends.
Okay, that makes sense, but I don't have any of my own friends.
-I'm closing my door now. -Wait!
I did it! I told her she's out!
-And she just took it? -Yep!
[Demi] Okay, good!
-I can delete her email. -What email?
The anonymous one, telling her to eat shit.
Send it!
No, don't. Just delete it. We're done.
[Cam] You said you were done.
-[chuckles] Yeah. -What happened to having boundaries?
I extended the border. I gotta use her before I lose her.
Watch. Ines!
Those shirts aren't gonna fold themselves.
[scoffs]
You see? She's my bitch.
Oh, okay. Customer coming. Go, go, go.
Hi!
I couldn't help but notice that you're having a yard sale.
[chuckles]
Right next to my yard sale.
Oopsie.
So, are they leaving?
Did you just buy a record?
She said it was a collectible.
Shoo! You gotta go!
Excuse me. How much for this?
One for six or two for ten.
Thanks.
Okay. You can stay.
I'd be happy to.
I'll even upsell your crap for 50% of the sales.
Deal.
First five sales go to the house.
Sheesh.
Found Andre a gift.
-But MM aren't his initials. -Exactly.
Wrong initials, a box. It's perfect.
He's gonna dump me after I give him this,
especially when he keeps harping on how thoughtless I am.
-Two bucks. -Which is exactly how much you owe me.
So transaction complete.
[curious music playing]
I'm looking for a monogrammed box.
-Did it have the initials MM on it? -[woman] Yes.
Oh, I haven't seen it.
[woman] Seen it now?
It's [clears throat] sounding vaguely familiar.
[woman] $200.
[sighs]
Excuse me.
-I'll give you four bucks for the box. -No.
That's double what you paid.
My freedom from Andre is worth more than money.
All right. There is a lady willing to pay 200 for it.
Where's the lady?
She was right there.
[curious music playing]
[Gloria] Trash.
Trash.
Trash!
It's the lady from the yard sale when she was young.
Must be why she wanted the box. It's hers.
Glo! No!
Photos are sacred.
-What did you get Dad? -This cute top. Dad loves yellow on me.
Thank you for being so reliably unreliable. Now go away.
Happy birthday, Dad. Pocket knife it is.
[Cam sighs] I gotta go.
-Why are you going out the back? -Andre's tracking my phone.
I know 'cause I'm tracking his, but only 'cause he's tracking mine!
[phone beeps]
-Yeah. He's out front. Back door calls. -I better go too. I'll see ya.
[woman] $500.
Gloria!
[woman] $600!
Okay, I would love to take your money, but I don't have the box!
-[woman] Your friend does. He brought it. -Oh, you followed us home.
That's very persistent,
but it doesn't change the fact that I don't have what you're looking for.
That box is cursed.
Yikes. But still, I don't have it.
[woman] $1,000!
[chuckles] Excuse me! Just one second.
Don't sell.
If this lady's willing to pay you $1,000, then she knows something we don't.
That box has to be worth way more than what she's offering.
Move over. Let the pro handle this.
Since we're family, I'll only charge a 50% negotiation fee.
Uh, 10%.
30%. Final offer!
20%.
-25%. Final offer! -12.5%.
Deal!
[curious music plays]
[Demi] We're cursed!
[Gloria] We're not.
But we took things from the box. We all touched it.
We're all part of it now. We have taken the darkness in.
-We need to reverse the curse. -Or what?
Don't know! Every curse has its own rules!
I call bullshit. Curses aren't real.
What if they are? We need to get the box and sell it.
No! We can't sell it. We don't know if we need it yet.
We need more info on the curse. That's rule number one.
Of what?
Basic curse knowledge.
We have to go to the place of origin, the yard sale,
and find out where the box came from. We have to go now!
It's my dad's birthday, and we're about to have dinner!
Dinner? Dinner is more important than undoing a lethal spell?
You think it's lethal?
Now's not the time to debate this nonsense. Let's put a pin in it.
Or a nail in our coffin, because if we don't move quickly, we're all gonna die!
Okay! If we're gonna die, can you please perish in your own home?
-Hey, girls. -[man] Hi, Mr. Salazar!
Demi.
I don't get you girls. Why is she still your friend?
[doorbell rings]
Dad, your friend's here! What's his name?
Lucia!
[clears throat]
Is it warm in here?
I'll turn the air on.
[phone chimes]
[dad] Girls, talk. You're being rude.
So, what do you do?
I'm a lawyer.
[phone chimes]
So you like money.
Uh, most of my work is pro bono.
-[phone chimes] -[dad] Uh, Lucia volunteers at our church.
Our church?
We don't go to church.
Well, maybe we'll start going again.
We have to go to church?
Oh, mm…
Hi, I'm Tonio.
See you around.
Or not. [laughs]
Jeez. I'm just reading their faces. [chuckles]
Night, bitches!
PS, the knife is from all of us. Dile.
[scoffs]
-Did he just go into the pantry? -That's his room.
Dad, happy birthday.
Oh, thank you! [chuckles]
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's sharp! Ow!
Uh, um…
Excuse me. Uh, let me get a tourniquet.
-Oh, honey! -[mouthing] Honey?
Ah! Oh! Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, it's not a big deal. I just, uh… I tweaked my back.
[Gloria] I'll get you a Band-Aid. You should probably lie down.
Alone!
Right. Okay.
[exhales] Am I overreacting, or are we really in danger?
Spirit guides, give me a sign if we're damned.
Shit.
Do-over.
-Shit! -[knocking]
-[screams] -[Cam screams]
-You know I have a front door! -Yeah, too risky.
Andre's close by, per my phone.
Hold up. Sage, crystals, cards… What's up?
I asked my spirit guides about the presence of evil,
and it doesn't look good.
It doesn't. I got your text about the box. It's definitely cursed.
It is? How do you know?
Because I gave Andre the box, and--
Oh my God. What happened to Andre?
He loved it. Now he's never gonna let me go.
It's happening. It's starting. Cameron, I have a really bad feeling about this.
[sentimental music plays]
We need to…
Yeah?
…get the box back!
[Gloria] Ines.
Go to your bed.
You're right. There's no curse.
Dad's back is probably just jacked from all the kinky sex.
-You think they're having sex? -It's been a long time for him.
So maybe this is good for him.
And me.
Now Dad won't spend so much time focused on his favorite. [sighs]
Must be nice to be annoyed by his attention.
It's all I want, and now I'm in third place.
Fourth. He focuses on Tío Tonio a little more than you.
-Why'd he give her Mom's scarf? -I know.
Who would take a dead woman's scarf?
Unless it's just like a really freaking sweet gesture
and symbol of a love that turned out so well.
Did it?
Mom's dead.
She died.
She can keep the scarf.
See? Even you think the bad juju's real.
[Gloria] No, I don't.
If there's a curse, then that means there's a cause and effect to everything.
And if that's true, what did Mom do to deserve to die?
She didn't deserve to die,
and I didn't deserve to lose her.
Bad things just happen.
Go to bed.
We gotta move before things get worse
and your dad's new lady gets pregnant with a devil baby.
We're not going to hell!
Thank you. Team Rational is back.
-Ah, what's with the one-eighty? -Andre.
He hasn't called or texted in 16 hours, which is a record by fifteen and a half.
You know why you haven't heard from him? 'Cause he's probably dead.
Your rock broke.
This is impossible.
It's black obsidian. It's for protection.
And it's one of the strongest crystals there is!
There's no way. This… This has to be--
-But black magic is nonsense! -Agreed.
[Andre] Hey!
[all scream]
You guys are being crazy.
Andre must have used a new product
or a DIY chemical peel he doesn't wanna tell you about.
He said he did nothing out of the ordinary.
There is some rational explanation for what happened.
It's called a curse.
Because when some random old lady shows up at your door
and tells you it's a curse, it's a curse!
-Or-- -No refunds!
None wanted. We just want info on this box that we purchased at your yard sale.
We think it might belong to this lady. Her picture was in the box.
[Gloria] And she was looking for it.
This woman? This woman was looking for that box?
-She even showed up at our house. -Okay, what do you really want?
-What's your game? -There's no game. We just wanna find her.
Do you know her?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
She's dead.
[mysterious music plays]
I know I said the woman in the photo was the one looking for the box,
but obviously, I was mistaken,
which happens, 'cause, not to be ageist, but all old people do look alike.
We saw her. She was alive. What's it gonna take to convince you?
[Cam] Andre's face!
If that's not straight out of hell, I don't know what is!
Ines, back me up. Ooky spooky doesn't exist.
I don't know, Glo.
It appears that we're not only damned, but we're also haunted.
That dead lady wants her box back.
That's three for Team Ooky Spooky!
You've got to be kidding me!
For days, you've implored me to lose Ines, and now you back her up?
You know what? Maybe there is a curse.
But if there is, it didn't start the day we found the box.
It started the day I got stuck taking care of you!
I'm out.
[Demi] You can't be out!
We have to stick together to break the black magic!
Yeah, since the three of you are suddenly so close,
you don't need my help to handle this almighty scourge
that breaks rocks and makes people puffy.
Call me when it's life or death.
[door opens, closes]
[Tonio clears throat]
-Where's your sister? -Don't know. Don't care.
Where's my… [in Spanish] money?
[phone rings]
[cell phone ringing]
[in English] Unknown caller.
Last time I got one of these, it was old Principal Richardson.
Okay, well, I'll just turn off call forwarding,
and whoever it is can just leave your dad a message.
No, answer it!
-An extra $100. -Twenty!
-Sixty! -Fifteen.
Fine!
[deep voice] Hello, this is Javier.
I understand.
[normal voice] I understand.
Can you spell that?
Okay, thank you.
Who was that?
Some, uh,
auto warranty salesperson.
Hm.
I promise you'll have your money. I just need a little more time.
Oh, don't worry about it. We're even.
[Gloria] I don't wanna talk to you, but I have to
because you're good at ethically questionable things.
We need to break into Tío Tonio's laptop. He's in the shower. No time to explain.
Fine. He took a call earlier and was super weird about it.
-He said we don't owe him money anymore. -Isn't that good?
Ines, something is going on.
And like all his other secrets, the answer lies in his search history.
Should we be touching this with our bare hands?
-You're worried about fingerprints? -No! Sperm!
Do you remember his password?
[both scoff]
[Tonio] I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
No, we're sorry, Tío.
-I can't believe you have cancer. -I don't.
-Your dad does. -What?
That call, it was about your dad.
How long has he known?
He doesn't. That was the call to tell him.
He just went in for his back the morning after his birthday.
He told me he had an MRI--
So this happened after his birthday?
After we gave him the knife from the box.
[Tonio] I need to go lie down.
I said life or death.
Hey.
This is not your fault.
We're gonna reverse it.
[Gloria] But what if we don't?
This isn't some money we owe Tío. This is Dad.
-You know why Dad doesn't think about you? -Oh, come on, Ines. Not now.
It's not because you're not his favorite.
-It's because you are. -It's not true. He doesn't think about me.
Because he doesn't have to. He trusts you.
-He knows you have it all figured out-- -I'm not gonna figure this out!
[Ines] Bullshit.
[whispers] Come here.
[Ines sniffles]
I'm sorry I said that thing about you earlier.
That was just the heat of the moment.
No, it wasn't.
You think it's a secret you all find me annoying?
I may be an asshole, but I'm not dumb.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
I don't just love you, Gloria.
I like you.
So
I'll give you the space that you deserve and find my own friends.
It's time. [chuckles]
♪ …Onto ♪
♪ Something that never was ♪
♪ It was never us ♪
♪ And now I'm ♪
♪ Holding ♪
♪ Onto ♪
♪ Something that never was ♪
I have an announcement.
-Where are you going? -Snacks.
-Can we please cut her now? -No!
-Why? -Because she's fearless.
And if we're gonna take on evil,
we need someone to fearlessly lead the way.
Or to potentially sacrifice.
-So you believe? -[Ines] She does.
[chuckles]
It's a curse that we're gonna reverse.
We're gonna save my dad.
-Okay, I have a plan. -Look, I have a plan.
-Okay, no, I have a plan. -No, but I know someone…
[Spanish pop music playing]
[lyrics in Spanish]