Previously on Lucifer...
Everything I felt for her
was smoke and mirrors,
courtesy of Dad.
DAN:
Did you sleep with me
to get intel on this case?
MOM: Of course.
What are you doing here?
You don't let your girl
go into enemy territory alone.
The piece is here.
My last words were a clue.
A clue?
A clue to what?
Well, you're the one who has
to figure that out, aren't you?
LUCIFER:
And you really think
that this is
the Flaming Sword?
It's so not flaming.
That's because only you,
my Lightbringer,
can ignite it.
That's it.
It's all I've got.
Okay. Then we'll fix it.
There's plenty of time.
MOM:
Just not for me.
I do intend to use
the Flaming Sword
to cut through
the Gates of Heaven.
Once I do that,
I plan on
kicking Mom into Heaven
and slamming the gates
on her backside.
Won't God destroy her?
Hopefully, they
tear each other apart.
Then they'll both get
what they deserve.
I'm not the Devil,
I'm just a man who's delusional.
I made it all up.
I made it all... up.
(chuckles)
I'm doing great.
Great.
Great is...good...
Okay, good talk.
Same time next week?
Uh, sorry, it's just that...
some of the things
that you said
in our last session
raised some
issues for me.
Do tell.
So this secret plan
to cut through the
Gates of Heaven...
Well, actually, we've hit
a bit of a snag with that.
The Flaming Sword's kaput.
Now, we can't work out
what's wrong with it,
and until we can, we're in
a bit of a holding pattern.
Ah, that's a relief.
Well, why would you say that?
God and His ex having
a fight to the death?
Sounds kind of bad for,
you know, humanity.
Oh, you'll probably be fine.
Probably?
That's not exactly
reassuring.
What does Maze
think of your plan?
Well, I don't know.
I haven't told her.
Hence the secret part
of the secret plan.
She's your best friend.
Yes, well,
as much as I love
my little sex thug,
Maze can do things that she
thinks are in my best interest
that turn out to be,
well, disastrous.
And I can't afford that.
Hmm.
But the good news is
she's busy focusing
on her new bestie right now.
The detective.
They're practically
inseparable.
Hey, roomie.
Where you going?
Maze, hey.
Um, I'm on my way to work.
I'm running late.
Oh, no, but you haven't
had breakfast, come on.
♪ Mm! ♪
No, I'm...
(hard toast clanks on plate)
Oh, yeah, no,
I'm not hungry.
Yeah, I know, the whole
boring domestic thing--
not my jam.
I should stick to managing
the social part
of our friendship.
You want to kick
someone's ass?
Maze,
I feel like, you know, we've
been hanging out a lot lately.
And I think
perhaps we should expand
our circle of friends.
I got you, Decker.
Yeah? You do?
I smell what you're
stepping in.
(snaps fingers)
Trust me.
CHLOE:
You know,
you should give a Maze a call.
Hasn't it been a while
since you two hung out?
Tired of tripping over
her sex toys, are you?
I didn't say that.
I just think it would
do her, and me, some good
if she wasn't around
all the time.
Well, here's the thing.
Maze is like one of those
little baby birds that
imprints on whatever's near.
Sadly, that's you.
You are the new me.
I don't want to be you.
I just want some space.
Oh. Eventually
Maze will find her place,
but until then, what's
the worst that could happen?
Murder. Confirmed.
Blunt-force trauma
to the back of the head.
The victim got hit
with this backgammon board.
Not very sportsmanlike.
Hmm-mm.
He was an orderly.
Toby Mulligan, 32.
Body was found here.
Okay.
They interview the staff
or the patients yet?
No, not yet. It's a
psychiatric hospital,
so the staff didn't want
the patients wigging out
over the dead body.
They've been busy
moving everyone
to a different floor.
I love the mentally ill.
I mean, who isn't amused by
someone who thinks they're Elvis
or Napoleon or
Wesley Snipes?
Who found the body?
DAN: God.
Ah! See?!
God Johnson, he's a patient.
He's right in there.
DAN: The guy actually
thinks he's God.
He changed his name
and everything.
Oh. You two should have
a lot to talk about.
Yes.
I would like to have a chat
with the Almighty.
Cool your jets, man, all right?
There's a whole bunch
of bureaucratic hoops
to jump through
to set up an interview.
The hospital administrator
has all the info.
Well, hello, God.
Hello, my son.
(laughs, stops short)
Right, yes, I suppose that
would be the standard way
to greet your children.
Nice touch.
What can I do for you?
Well, it's what I can do
for you that's exciting.
See, I can reveal the truth
about the Supreme Being
you've chosen to impersonate.
I bet you wanted
to be God because
He's benevolent,
all-powerful, yada yada.
But in actual
fact, He's a dick.
Look, if you want
to be angry with me,
you just go right on ahead.
I can be anything
you need me to be.
Right, enough of this
idle chit-chat.
Time to tell you what
the charade's really about.
What do you desire?
Hmm?
To avoid a vengeful ex-wife?
Years of back taxes?
What's your game?
Is this a staring contest?
'Cause, you know,
I'm pretty good at those.
How is this possible?
Oh, right, yes,
I bet you're on
some really amazing
drugs, aren't you?
If so, share-zies.
You're not supposed
to be in here.
Oh, never mind.
I'm done with this
fraud, anyway.
It was real good
seeing you, Samael.
What did you say?
Dad?
♪ ♪
Has Dad ever visited
Earth before?
Not that I'm aware of.
And besides, why would
He do so now?
Mm. I don't know,
maybe because
we're plotting
to overthrow Him.
Even so, Luci, that's
not the way Dad operates.
(sighs)
If He has a problem,
He sends an emissary,
like me,
or maybe a burning bush.
So how does this God Johnson
know Samael, hmm?
My name.
Oh, wait, I know.
You do?
The Internet!
It's truly amazing
what you can find online.
Have you seen that video
with the cat
that jumps inside the box?
Very funny, but
I didn't even
introduce myself
as Lucifer.
And there's something
strange about...
I can't explain it.
Because it's just crazy talk
coming from
a mentally ill human.
Well, there might be
another reason.
Right.
What's that?
Well, Earth is
His favorite toy.
Maybe He got fed up of
looking at it from afar.
I mean, it's not an
entirely awful place.
Even you have to admit that.
Now you're the one sounding
crazy, Luci, because Earth--
Earth is nothing
compared to Heaven.
Oh, come now, brother.
I think you've grown to
like the place, haven't you?
(scoffs)
Come on, be honest.
When we return to Heaven,
there must be something
that you're gonna miss, eh?
Or someone, maybe?
Someone in tight leather pants
with a penchant for knives?
I'm referring to Maze,
of course.
ELLA:
Come on, guys.
Is it really so crazy?
I mean, what if God
was one of us?
Just a slob,
like one of us.
Exactly.
Or just a...
A stranger on a bus.
My father would never use
public transport.
That song is completely
unrealistic.
What song?
LUCIFER:
The song I hate
almost as much as I hate
these hypocrites,
like God Johnson.
Hypocrite?
Hmm, I don't know.
I see some similarities
between the two of you.
That man is not my father.
Well, good thing, 'cause
he might be our killer.
Whaaat? Oh, my God, Ella,
how do you know that?
I'll tell you how
I know that,
because our victim
was bald.
It's very hard to
get prints off a body,
so I whipped out
the ultraviolet
alternate light source,
and...boom, complete set
on the victim's noggin.
They match one Earl Johnson,
wealthy oil magnate
from Odessa, Texas.
Huh. It says here his wife
committed him a few months ago
after he gave
all of his money away
and started calling
himself "God."
Mr. Johnson never said that
he touched the victim's body.
Left out the killing
part as well.
And proving he's the killer
is the perfect way
to expose his
false idolatry.
Right, shall we?
No, we shan't.
Because you spoke to him
without permission,
I had to apply
for a special hearing
just to interview him.
That'll take at least
a few days,
so thank you for that.
Hello, there.
I'd like a suite
for the evening, please.
Preferably one with a view.
Are you joking?
This is a psychiatric
hospital.
Apologies,
I'm skipping ahead.
Uh, I am the one and only
Lucifer Morningstar.
The Devil.
Dark Lord?
Oh, for goodness sake,
Beelzebub!
Look, I clearly need to be
committed right away.
Yeah, we're at
near capacity, pal.
So unless you're a danger
to yourself or others...
How's that?
Great.
Lovely.
♪ I walked into the kitchen ♪
♪ And I said
"Hey, baby, what's cooking?" ♪
♪ Tapatio baked
into the pizzas ♪
Dammit!
♪ Sometimes steak fajitas... ♪
Who stole my pudding again?
Huh?
Markowitz?
Want a taste?
Don't you have
better things to do
than to raid our fridge?
I was about to leave
this place altogether,
but I hit an
unexpected snag.
Now I need to distract
myself with something.
Hello, something.
You know, just in case
I'm giving off an
"I have zero
self-respect" vibe,
let me make it clear.
Hands off.
(chuckles)
I'd rather sit
at home alone,
and in the dark,
than to hang out with you.
Sassy.
I like it.
Deal me in,
gentlemen.
Oh,
and lady.
Buy in's
ten thousand big ones.
Oh, right, high stakes.
I like it.
Pig farts!
Crash and burn.
Oh, I see, you're one of those.
Right.
200.
MAN: I swear,
I am gonna stab you in
the eye if you do not stop
dealing me crap!
Call.
I'm out.
Um, ten thousand, all in.
(grunts)
Fold.
What do you know
about God Johnson?
I like fire.
Right, never mind.
Maybe I can help.
I did see him perform a miracle.
Really?
He scored me an extra
Jell-O at snack time.
Shh.
Useless.
Royal flush.
Cheater!
Red pubic hair!
Mm-hmm.
DOCTOR:
Billy, what did I tell you
about throwing
your underwear?
They're not mine.
DOCTOR: Really?
'Cause you're naked.
Yes, I'm more of a boxer
briefs guy, but thank you.
Sorry about that.
You must be Lucifer.
I'm Dr. Garrity.
Oh.
Yes.
Can we talk later?
I have to get him to
his electroshock treatment.
Really?
Just kidding.
Yes.
You, this way. Come.
Very good.
Let's go find
you some pants.
Dad.
(sighs)
Aha! Of course,
you're the murderer.
Right,
suppose I should thwart you now.
Off to jail, cowboy.
No, please, I have to save her.
What do you mean, save her?
(exhales)
(grunts)
(gasps)
It really is you.
You son of a bitch.
Why the hell would you
get yourself committed?
I did it to help
the investigation.
Hey.
What do you think?
It's a good likeness, isn't it?
That's it, I'm pulling the plug.
I'm getting you out of here,
now.
No, no, no, no.
You were the one
who said
it would be difficult
to interview God Johnson.
So, I took
some initiative.
I went undercover.
You must admit having an inside
man could be quite effective.
So, you're doing this
just to help the case?
Well, there may also be
some personal issues
I'd like to explore
with Mr. Johnson.
But yes, the main reason I came
was to prove he's the killer.
Is that why you punched him?
To force a confession?
(sighs)
Not exactly,
but he had it coming.
(sighs)
You see, Detective,
it turns out, he may actually be
my father after all.
You've decided that the lead
suspect in this investigation
may be your father?
I know that God Johnson
is not the killer.
And you know that because...
Because
another patient
was attacked last night
and I saw God Johnson heal her.
And here's me being
super-duper helpful:
before the orderlies
took the victim away,
she told me who did attack her.
Great. Who is it?
Santa Claus.
CHLOE:
He's always been...
quirky, but now, he's...
I-I don't know. I'm-I'm
worried about him.
Well, Lucifer certainly is
an interesting case,
but I can't really discuss the,
uh, specifics of his diagnosis.
Now, is he your, um...
uh, fiancé?
I mean, uh, boyfriend?
No.
(chuckles)
Lucifer's a co-worker.
Good, good. Well--
(chuckles)
I'm sorry.
I mean, that's good to know.
That's, um, information,
which is helpful,
'cause it's informative.
Right. Yes,
of course, yes.
NURSE:
Dr. Garrity?
It's time for music therapy.
Thank you,
Nurse Kipsy.
I should get
going anyhow.
Well, listen, um,
if maybe, uh,
if you want to talk some more,
about Lucifer or, uh,
anything else, uh, feel free,
uh, to give me a call.
My cell phone
number's there.
Thank you.
Okay.
(phone rings)
Hey, Maze. What's up?
I'll give you one
chance to apologize.
Apologize?
You punched me.
Tell you
what I can do:
I can forgive you.
(laughs) Taking the
high ground, are we?
Magnificent.
Well, I may have struck
the latest blow,
but that is only in response to
the litany of offenses that you,
dear old Dad, have
bestowed upon me.
So you believe me? Good.
Tell me, just what is it
you think I've done?
Oh, we're going there, are we?
Right, let's see.
Um, casting me into Hell
for eternity
because you haven't got the
balls to get your own cowardly
hands dirty.
Manipulating me
with the detective,
giving me the illusion
of control.
You are a...
patronizing, sinister,
helicopter parent!
So you think
you have no free will.
Every bad thing that's happened
throughout eternity
is your doing, not mine!
It's all part of "God's Plan."
Even Mum's coming here
and manipulation of me
was part of it.
Your mother's here?
Oh!
Look who cares now.
Oh, my.
Oh, well, that is something.
I still remember
the first moment we met.
Mmm. There was nothing,
just darkness and...
...then she appeared.
(chuckles softly)
It did not take long for us
to light up the universe.
Much as I'm enjoying this trip
down memory lane,
I want an apology-- nay.
Nay, I demand penance.
You must atone
for what you've done.
(eyes crackle)
Now, that's not the Samael
I remember.
No.
No, Dad, this is who you made me
when you cast me away!
Now apologize!
(door opens)
LINDA:
Uh, Lucifer?
MAZE:
Guy sounds like
he wants to bang.
CHLOE (on phone):
He's Lucifer's doctor, Maze.
MAZE:
So what?
Doctors don't want to get laid?
Does everything always have to
be about sex with you?
Yeah.
He was just trying
to be helpful.
We should invite him
on the booze cruise.
What booze cruise?
Tonight.
I had a friend set up a yacht.
You know,
it'll be like a hip-hop video.
You said you wanted to expand
our circle of friends.
That's not what I meant at all.
Oh.
You want to ride solo
with Dr. McHotty.
I can get behind that.
Or on top, dealer's choice.
(laughs) I'm kidding.
Okay, I'll set it all up.
You won't have to lift a finger.
Let me help you.
I don't want, nor need,
your help
with setting up a date.
I'm good.
Why not?
You and I are flowing, Chlo.
Same page.
Nope.
Different books altogether.
You crack me up, Decker.
("If God Was One of Us" playing)
ELLA (singing along):
♪ What if God was one of us? ♪
♪ Just a slob like one of us ♪
♪ Just a stra-- ♪
Oh, my God, Chloe,
this song is so good.
Yeah, yeah. People seemed
to really like it...
in 1995.
Oh, my God, and
the music video.
Uh...
Oh.
(music stops)
What's going on?
So, um, by chance,
have you found
any evidence
pointing to, um...
Santa Claus?
I was gonna ask you
the exact same thing.
Really?
Yes.
Long white hair.
Found it on the
victim's clothes.
Wasn't sure what it was, but
yeah, totally screams Santa.
I'll have it
tested ASAP.
I could see if
you're mentally troubled,
you see someone with long
white hair commit a crime,
you could call him
Santa Claus.
Right?
(pages turning)
Kind of like this guy.
ELLA:
Uh, yeah.
Dude looks exactly like
the creepy drunk Santa
at the mall when
I was a kid.
Too bad setting up an interview
would take forever...
without a doctor's permission.
Ooh.
A doctor's permission...
Yeah?
Hey, Maze.
You still want to help me?
(Linda exhales sharply)
Okay, so that was "God" God
back there?
As in capital "G"?
I didn't bow.
I should have bowed.
You should have spit
in His face.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Then you're no use to me,
Doctor.
What on earth
are you doing here anyway?
Chloe sent me to check on you
because she was worried.
(sighs)
But now, I'm worried.
Please tell me
you're not still planning on
having your mom and God
destroy each other.
Don't be silly.
That plan won't work anymore.
Oh. Oh, good.
Maybe I should've curtsied.
Unfortunately,
Dad seems to be soft on Mum.
Like he still has feelings
for her.
(gasps) Which gives me
another way to punish them,
far more tortuous than death.
And we're back to "not good."
No, no, no, no, this is better.
And you, my dear doctor,
are going to help me. (laughs)
LUCIFER: Okay,
you've all been chosen
to help with
a very special mission called
"Operation Help Lucifer
Escape from the Hospital."
Mm, that's a little
on the nose, son.
You are literally the judgiest
person in the universe.
You know that, Dad?
PETE:
Escape?
But we get pudding here.
Oh, look,
I know the puddings are good,
but there must be more
that you all desire.
I mean, come on, Pete.
I know desserts
aren't the only thing
that tickle your fancy,
are they? Hmm?
I do want to watch it all burn.
Right.
(lighter flicks open)
Then fire away.
Oh...
Go, go, go, go, go.
Right.
I want to turn the lights on...
and off.
Good! Go!
I love a good rave.
Who's next?
I want to throw
underwear at heads.
Laundry room! Right?
Go forth, people. Come on.
Liberate yourselves.
Play to your strengths.
So this is your big plan
for busting us out of here.
Encouraging a man
to steal underwear?
No, no. That was just for fun.
(alarm ringing)
That is how we're gonna
escape from here.
Come on.
(alarm continues ringing)
(shouting in distance)
♪ I live in a nameless town ♪
♪ In a black out ♪
♪ Many friends
have said good-bye ♪
♪ Paraded out
in one proud line ♪
♪ I say they all
just lost their minds ♪
♪ Midnight where we used
to dance ♪
♪ Underneath
the ugly halogen lamps ♪
♪ Oh, it all went away
so fast ♪
♪ In a black out... ♪
(alarm continues ringing,
shouting)
All right.
It was a pretty good plan.
Thank you.
You've got a, um...
Hmm?
(sighs)
It's just... come here.
(beeping)
(lock clicks)
Ah, right.
Uh, Linda, Dad.
Dad, Linda.
A handshake'll do,
my beautiful child.
(distant sirens wailing)
Okay.
Right, are we finished?
Come on, let's get a wriggle on.
Let's go.
(groans)
I've seen your mom dress
sluttier than this.
Okay, Maze,
this is an interrogation
disguised as a casual dinner.
There's no need
to get dolled up.
Please don't tell me you made
reservations at somewhere fancy.
Opposite of fancy.
It's here.
Here. Why?
Well, duh, your bedroom's here.
Where else
are we gonna have sex?
(sighs) For the last time, Maze,
we're not having a threesome.
I'm okay to watch.
(knocking on door)
Showtime.
Oh, an orgy?
Definitely off the table.
Lucifer?
What is it you wanted
to show me?
(scoffs)
("True" by Spandau Ballet
begins playing)
♪ Huh, huh, huh, hu-uh, huh... ♪
Well, now.
You are as radiant as
the moment we first met.
Explain to me what's
going on, please.
I'm trying to recreate
their first date.
You're... what? Wait.
You're trying to Parent Trap
God and the Divine Goddess?
What? It worked in the movie.
Don't you see?
With Dad here on Earth,
I don't need the Flaming Sword
or a trip to Heaven
to exact my revenge.
Okay, but how is having them
fall in love again revenge?
Oh, trust me, Doctor, after
a brief re-honeymoon period,
they'll start torturing each
other like they always do.
(laughs)
Mum and Dad together
are their own worst punishment.
It's genius.
(chuckles)
Do I know you?
Only since the beginning
of time.
What is this?
Where's Lucifer?
Aw, who knows.
That son of ours
is unpredictable,
to say the least.
♪ Huh, huh, huh, hu-uh, huh... ♪
Husband?
Is this really you?
In the flesh.
♪ I know this much is true ♪
(grunts)
Oh! God...
You put me in Hell, you bastard.
(moans)
♪ This much is true ♪
Ow.
♪ This much is true. ♪
Uh, it's a great pizza.
Uh, never tried pineapple
and jalapeño before.
Yes, I know.
Uh, Maze has very
eccentric tastes.
I would, I would've
made something
if I had notice.
You know. Any notice.
No, no. I-It's great.
You know, I like
trying new things.
Meeting new people.
Are you gonna eat that?
N-No. No.
So, um, Maze.
Uh, where are you from?
Hell.
By the way, I changed
the sheets on Decker's bed.
She's good to go.
Okay.
Excuse me. Maze,
can I speak to you for a second?
(clears throat)
Oh. (chuckles nervously)
I like the shape of your head.
CHLOE:
What the hell are you doing?
I'm not Lucifer.
I don't need what he needs.
What I need is a friend.
You want your privacy.
Gotcha, Decker.
Psst.
(exhales)
Excuse my roommate. Sh...
No, that's, uh, it's nothing
compared to the, uh,
intriguing folks
I deal with at work.
I can imagine. I-I actually
would love to hear about that.
Why are you here?
I wasn't planning on having
sex with you again, but...
Whatever, right?
At least someone's getting laid.
I'm not here for sex, Maze.
Okay. Then, what?
I just...
There's not much time
before we're gone.
What, are you going
on a vacation?
I'm not sure I'd call what
Lucifer, Mom and I are doing
going a vacation, but...
(sighs)
Lucifer didn't tell you.
Tell me what?
I told you never
to lie to me again, Amenadiel.
Tell me what?
We're all going back to Heaven.
So tell me, how, how do you
have your job and stay sane?
(exhaling):
Oh, uh...
Years of practice, um...
Drugs. Mostly drugs.
Mm.
(laughs)
But, um, but, seriously,
um, I just...
I try and see
beneath the DSM.
Try to remember that
each one of them is a person.
Yeah. I, uh, I saw this older
gentleman the other day.
Uh, long white hair.
White beard.
He reminded me of
my crazy Uncle Al.
You must be talking about Dale.
Yeah, what's his deal?
Is he one of the violent ones?
Um...
Uh...
Um, what kind of civil servant
are you, exactly?
(phone chimes)
Wow. Well, this evening
just got even more interesting.
Apparently, your co-worker,
Lucifer, just escaped
and took God Johnson with him.
What's he doing here, Lucifer?
I don't know. You married him.
Well, it kind of ruins our plans
to storm the Gates of Heaven
and destroy him.
Well, I'm thinking we might
not need to do that anymore.
I will never forgive him, if
that's what you're getting at.
The point is, Mum,
that I think Dad...
sincerely misses you.
(scoffs)
Well, of course I do.
How could I not?
Look at you.
An absolute vision.
Glowing, even now.
Oh, you have no idea.
(laughs softly)
I'm just gonna... Doctor.
For the life of me, I can't even
remember why we were fighting.
The flames? Eternal damnation?
The... Kind of hard to forget.
JOHNSON: I am so sorry
that you suffered.
Well, I su... suppose
I should apologize
for trying to destroy
your precious toy
with floods and
with plagues and whatnot.
I guess humanity
isn't entirely awful.
They did make vodka.
Roller coasters.
Triple crème Brie.
You hear about dancing?
Yes, I actually did some of that
on a table, once.
("Can't Take My Eyes
Off Of You" begins playing)
Would you do me this honor?
♪ You're just too good
to be true ♪
♪ Can't take my eyes
off of you ♪
♪ You'd be like heaven
to touch... ♪
You sure it's revenge
you're after?
Of course it is.
What else would it be?
♪ And I'm so glad I'm alive ♪
♪ You're just too good
to be true ♪
What's the matter?
This.
I didn't think
this was possible.
It wasn't part of the plan.
So, maybe...
maybe we make a new plan.
This time, we make it together.
♪ I love you, baby ♪
♪ And if it's quite all right ♪
♪ I need you, baby ♪
♪ To warm the lonely nights ♪
♪ I love you, baby ♪
♪ Trust in me when I say ♪
(door opens)
Lucifer!
Detective!
Seriously?
♪ Don't bring me down, I pray ♪
♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪
Okay, outside now.
♪ Now that I've found you stay ♪
♪ And let me love you. ♪
CHLOE:
First you check yourself
into a mental hospital,
only to kidnap another
patient and escape.
Lucifer, how is that helping?
Well, i-if you must know,
God Johnson is
indeed my father,
and, uh, I needed to do
a little matchmaking.
(sighs)
With him and
Charlotte Richards?
I mean, I'm scared to know
how she ties into all this.
Well, never mind that.
What about our killer?
Hmm? Did you find
proof of Santa Claus?
Time for your meds.
Ooh, lovely.
Thank you. Right.
Unexpected perk of the place.
(chuckles)
Maybe it's a good thing
there's another day
on your 72-hour hold. You know?
Maybe being here is the best
thing for you right now.
Okay.
(knocking on door)
Hey.
I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry I lied.
I, um...
Sometimes with work,
I get shortsighted.
And I never wanted to...
Use me?
(quietly):
Yeah.
If you had just been
up-front with me,
I would've told you that Dale,
the guy you were asking about,
he's been here for 15 years.
Yeah, he can seem a bit prickly,
but he's a teddy bear.
He's got no
violent tendencies.
There is just no way
he'd kill someone.
All right.
Legally, I can't let you
look at Dale's medical file.
But, um...
what happens
when I turn away is, um,
out of my hands.
Thank you.
(quietly): Yeah.
Ooh, look, a Nigerian prince
needs my help.
Wow.
Thanks.
Santa Claus?
Okay, so what's the big deal?
Someone dresses up
as Santa every year.
Patients love it.
Yeah, well, that someone
could be the killer.
But a different person
does it every year.
Even I did it a
few years back.
Okay, we store the,
uh, costume in here.
Wait, wait, wait.
(clears throat)
Where's the beard?
The red hat?
It should be in there.
Okay, two things.
Who else has a key
to that cabinet? And...
...I need you
to put these on.
Ooh, ooh.
These drugs are a bit different,
aren't they?
'Cause I can't feel my tongue.
Oh. Hello, pretty kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty...
Santa, you're here as well?
Oh, I'm afraid
I've been a naughty boy.
(grunts)
LUCIFER:
You may want to rethink this.
You see,
I am actually the Devil.
(distorted):
No, you're not the Devil.
You're just a man who's
delusional in a mental hospital.
You made it all up.
So...
...I'm not the Devil.
I'm just a man who's delusional.
I made it all up.
I made it all up!
I made it all up.
(chuckles)
Hello, son.
Dad!
See? I am the Devil.
Nice try, Santa.
(chuckles)
Tell me what you told
the police.
Only the truth.
That you, Mr. Kringle,
are a cold-blooded killer.
What else?
What do you want to know,
Nurse Kipsy?
Why aren't the drugs
working on you?
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
It's because he's God!
LUCIFER:
Uh, oh.
Hey.
Hey, they shouldn't be working
on me, either, but...
Is the detective still here?
That might explain it.
Shut up.
Okay.
KIPSY:
Doesn't matter.
Now you know it's me,
I have to kill you both.
(sighs)
What's that for?
A long shot.
Okay.
(camera clicks)
That's got to be the coolest
thing I've ever seen.
I'd-I'd applaud, you know,
if I weren't cuffed.
Sorry about that.
It's just a precaution.
Hey, I get it.
(cell phone beeps)
Bingo.
Wow.
That was fast.
Yeah, you don't know Ella.
The print belongs
to one Patricia Hightower.
We have a patient
named Sue Hightower,
the one God Johnson attacked.
Okay. I'm waiting
on a DMV photo.
(cell phone beeps)
She looks familiar.
That's Nurse Kipsy.
KIPSY:
I changed my name
so no one would know
she's my mother.
She was a raging bitch
my entire life.
Controlling,
manipulative...
She tortured me.
So I decided to torture her.
Pumped her full of drugs,
drove her crazy.
Preaching to the choir, sister.
Evil parents
deserve to be punished.
You had every right
to destroy her.
But what about the orderly?
He found out what I was doing.
He... said he was
gonna turn me in.
I had no choice.
No, he was innocent
and you killed him,
so I am gonna have
to punish you.
(grunts)
Why aren't I pulverizing you?
Uh, one because you're a nutjob.
And two,
because I switched out
your normal meds
with a massive dose of Haldol.
(chuckles)
You know...
...they don't normally
let patients wear belts.
Suicide risk.
So, thank you for getting a
special dispensation for yours
because now I got it.
God is gonna kill Lucifer,
then hang himself.
(chuckles)
Kind of poetic, don't you think?
Gonna go find a ladder.
Oh, a ladder.
(chuckles)
JOHNSON:
Now, I had no idea
you were so angry with me.
Really?
'Cause I... I've been
pretty up-front about it.
But to want to destroy me?
That's pretty serious.
You mind telling me why?
Because...
because I'm your son.
And...
...you rejected me.
Oh.
Well, then I guess
I can't say as I blame you.
Fact of the matter is,
I don't even remember why
I was ever so angry with you
to begin with.
For what it's worth...
I am sorry.
I truly am.
And I am proud of you, Samael.
I am proud of the man
you've become.
So, what do you say...
Wait, no.
Not... not my belt.
You can't take my belt.
It's mine.
Patricia Hightower, LAPD.
Don't move.
(belt clatters on floor)
Detective.
(whoops)
You okay?
Honestly...
I've never felt better.
(grunts)
What this?
What-What just happened?
What are you talking about?
We just beat Santa.
Who are you?
It's me, Dad.
Lucifer.
Does someone want to tell me
what the hell is going on?
Get me out of
these damn things.
"The piece is here."
(scoffs)
Well, what do you know.
It fits perfectly.
Yes, I think this is what Uriel
was trying to tell me.
Just before he died,
he whispered in my ear,
"The piece is here."
I mean, I thought it
was nonsense, but...
this must be why
the sword wasn't working.
It wasn't complete.
Dad supposedly destroyed
the Flaming Sword
after the rebellion.
So, are you saying
he just broke it into two
pieces? Azrael's blade...
And this.
Yes, which somehow
ended up on Earth.
Its power probably awakened
when Azrael's blade
ended up here, too.
Which is when Mr. Johnson
must've stumbled upon it.
But why did he think
he was father?
Well, I mean, Azrael's blade
inspired death.
Maybe this piece
activated the opposite-- life.
Healing. Gave him the power
and knowledge of the divine.
And when he found out that he
could heal like that, he...
he thought he was God.
What's more
important is that
now the sword's complete,
we can get on with our plan.
So... the...
(sighs)
Or not.
Maybe there's
another piece missing.
Or maybe a dragon
has to breathe on it.
Who knows?
Well, maybe Mum does.
Did...
Where is she, anyway?
(knock on door)
I thought I made
myself clear.
I kissed a man today.
What's your deal?
I thought he was my ex-husband.
When I kissed him,
I realized it wasn't him.
And the strangest part is,
I don't know what's
more upsetting...
that it wasn't him?
(chuckles)
Or that I... I wished it was.
Wow.
I just don't want to be alone.
Could we just
hold each other?
Please?
With your pants off, of course.
I still can't believe
I gave all my money away.
Well, if it's
any consolation,
you haven't exactly
been yourself of late.
Yeah.
Listen, I wanted to ask you...
what's the last thing
you remember?
I was in New Mexico for work,
I was walking through
this Navajo gift shop.
I saw a cool belt buckle,
so I picked it up, and...
next thing I knew, I woke up
strapped to a gurney
next to you.
Lucky you.
Yeah.
Hey, they, uh,
they say we was arguing.
If I did or said something
to upset you, I apologize.
No, no, you were quite
lovely actually.
For a brief moment,
I thought you were my father.
(chuckles)
A man for whom I harbor
a great deal of resentment.
And you said some things
that I think I wish
he'd always said to me,
so for that I thank you.
Well, I guess even
a blind squirrel
catches a nut
every now and then.
You take care of yourself.
Hey, does this mean you're not
angry at your dad anymore?
No, I'm not angry.
I'm bloody furious.
'Cause I realized that my father
would never say those things
to me.
And for that...
I hate him all the more.