Come in.
Conjurer, o, conjurer
I'm the lover of lovers
Conjurer, o, conjurer
I'm the lover of lovers
I've traded heart for a heart In this deal of love
I won the bet of love by losing my heart
Conjurer, o, conjurer
You are a great magician
Look, Raja Bhai, I got you the proof. I deserve a reward.
He dances.
And he dances well too.
Bindi looks really happy.
Well, this is nothing, Raja Bhai.
I've recorded the whole thing. This… Watch it from here.
This.
Look at them. They're going crazy.
They're on.
They're…
She is my wife, Lappu.
What you are staring at, grinning ear to ear,
and asking me to look at, stop it, you motherfucker!
Bloody fuckface.
You are diabetic, Raja Bhai.
Why did you bring jalebis?
I got these for the two of us.
I thought the video would be lengthy so we'll have these while watching it.
I got samosas for you, but you ate the jalebi.
Send this video to Dhaincha's phone,
and delete it from yours. Come on.
I had warned you, Raja Bhai, to keep an eye on what's going on at home.
What Madam and that asshole did in the bed--
What happened on the bed is one thing…
but he danced for Bindi, man.
Now this matter has become really personal for me.
Bring Bindi here.
And…
we have to find out about that bastard, so we can take care of him.
Why do you want to tell Madam, Raja Bhai?
What if she alerts that bastard?
Lappu and I will keep an eye on him.
We'll catch him red-handed and end his fucking game.
I don't want any mistakes, Dhaincha.
That fucker messed with my honor.
Noida, Noida, Noida, Noida Spiral, Spiral, Spiral, Spiral Wheel
A gentleman sitting atop The yellow wheel of time cycle
This is his destiny Meet the common man
He was looking for sweets But all he got was a bitter pill
This is his destiny Meet the common man
In the exam called life He gets 0 out of 10
For the exam called life He gets zero out of ten
Noida, Noida, Noida, Noida Spiral, Spiral, Spiral, Spiral Wheel
Hey, I want my car to shine.
If there's a single spot of dirt, I'll get your contract terminated.
Will you wash the car yourself then, son?
You have no shame.
You are having a security guard wash your car.
Is this a guard's job?
I told him it's not a security guard's job.
Please talk to him, ma'am.
You better keep quiet.
It takes five minutes to wash the car. Do you do your job the rest of the time?
Who is the society's secretary? I'll complain about you.
There he is. Please go ahead.
No wonder. When the king roams naked, why will his people get dressed?
What's the matter? Who's roaming naked here?
No one is naked here. It's a saying.
In a society where the secretary of the society
makes the security guard wash his car, that society will never be safe.
You are absolutely right.
Taneja, you better fix this system. And you go and do your job, okay?
What's your name again?
I never told you my name.
Please, don't worry. I'll handle them.
Taneja is the secretary for namesake. I have the real power.
Let me first take care of these dogs. These kids spoil them.
-And their dad spoils these two. -Ritu.
-Grandma! -Grandma!
They should be spoiled. How cute are they!
These kids and these puppies.
Do you want some milk?
You didn't mention that you are Mr. Tribhuvan's mother-in-law.
Is he an emperor to brag about?
And why would I tell you? Are you from CID?
Come on, kids, it's time for school.
I can't even be angry with you.
Harder! Try harder!
Yes, faster!
You can do it! Don't give up.
Faster! Don't give up! You can do it!
-Success is within reach! Keep going! -Yes.
Success is within reach now! Yes, you can do it! Yes!
Fucking police department
is killing me to improve their image.
Am I a fucking cop or Paan Singh Tomar?
-I hope I won't die on this machine. -Shut up!
You've to do push-ups, not lie down on the floor.
No more samosas, jalebis or bhujia. And I mean it!
-Did you have any? -Do I look crazy?
Will I ever eat these? Never, Guru ji, never.
Shut up!
Dhaincha, Madam just left for the beauty parlor.
I'll call if there are any updates.
I checked your eyes, madam, tell me the rest of the history, too.
My knees hurt.
My stomach feels bloated, my heart beats really fast.
I won't live long now.
Cut down on snacking, madam.
Really? If I have to treat myself by cutting down on snacking,
what are you getting paid for?
Why did you bring me to this nincompoop? Will he be able to operate on my eyes?
I'll do it, madam. Then you'll see everything double.
That she anyway does.
BINDI CLIENT WANNA MEET?
Please get these tests done.
If the reports are normal, please bring her for the operation.
Okay.
Take me to the market after these tests. I want some snacks.
Okay, I'll get you some snacks.
We'll take your leave, doctor.
NOT POSSIBLE TODAY, BINDI, TOMORROW?
Madam left the beauty parlor.
She's headed towards Atta market. I'm following her.
Man, because of you, I'm not able to get a beer.
Where are you dragging me to, Pinky?
Didn't Raja Bhai ask you to count the cash?
Well, Raja Bhai gets very upset when it comes to counting the cash.
-Yeah. -I found a solution for it.
Really? And what's the solution? Did you learn to count, asshole?
Not counting, smartness. Let me show you.
Take us in the alley, you idiot.
-Where did you bring me? -Just wait and watch.
Please sign here. Please read it and then sign here.
Gopaldas Jhurani.
Come.
Count this money with this machine.
And then handover the machine to me.
-He's saying-- -I got it.
Why? Why should I give it to you? Does it belong to your old man?
Will you give it now?
-Do you have a gun, too? -Yes, uncle.
-Teamwork. -We came prepared.
Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why did you waste my time?
Take the machine.
It's not like I have a fucking treasure to count here.
There you go, Raja Bhai. Now you can count all the cash you like.
You don't have to rely on Lappu or this idiot, Pinky.
Hey, Jhatka, wasn't getting the machine my idea?
-What a bastard! -Okay, now go handle the customers.
-You were missing all day. -Okay.
It's half a kilo bhujia, Mr. Jain. Your bhujia is the best in Noida.
This recipe is many generations old.
-It has to be famous. -Of course.
…my heart to you It's a trade for love
What's the amount, Mr. Jain? Mr. Jain?
…to win a heart
Mr. Jain!
Conjurer, o, conjurer
You are a great magician
It's been ringing for a while.
If this ringtone continues to ring for two more seconds,
I'll break your jaw and rip out your tongue.
Switch it off, motherfucker!
How much bhujia did you say?
-Half a kilo. -150 rupees.
Please change your ringtone, okay?
Sure.
Look at this, sir.
I mean, very strange robbers.
They didn't loot cash from the bank. They just took the machine.
I know.
I don't get this either, sir.
Okay, we'll investigate.
-You may sit. -Okay.
See, that's the good thing about small-time crimes.
There's minimal damage, and we get enough under the table.
What will we get here?
Madam, please sign here.
You're at the bank. So, you do have money.
You must be here to either withdraw it or deposit it, huh?
Then why are you asking for alimony like a beggar?
I'll report this to Madam Judge.
You'll be taken for a ride then. So you better mind your language.
I'll tell her about your hush money, too, and she'll throw you in jail.
Well, aren't you here to investigate the stolen machine?
That's all you are good for. Solve these small-time thefts.
Neither will you get a big case, nor can you solve one.
Let's go, sir. Forget it.
I would like to open a bank account. I'm expecting my alimony, a big amount.
JAIN MANSION
Lose your heart to someone And enjoy love…
I've fallen in love
I forgot the world And can only think of you…
Your drenched body is on fire
A fire that burns brighter when it rains
I'm like a butterfly Without a care in the world
My heart longs to get lost in your arms…
You seem lost in this song.
Is this your favorite song?
I guess you'll ask me to dance to this number.
No.
I'm enjoying what I see.
I've traded heart for a heart In this deal of love
I won the bet of love by losing my heart
Conjurer, o, conjurer
You are a great magician
The summer in Noida is humid, as it is every year.
It's an idiotic song. I want to watch the news.
I won't change the channel.
You don't have to.
You can listen to the news and help the nation,
I'll go and take a bath.
I feel really hot these days.
Everything seems normal till now.
Madam went to the parlor and for movies.
Keep an eye on her, Lappu.
It's like tasting blood.
Madam has tasted it.
Why don't you ever listen to me? Why don't you accept it?
Tell me, can Shah Rukh do Salman's towel dance?
Really? And can Sallu do…
Shah Rukh's trademark step?
Pinky is new here. Ask him.
Tell us, who is a bigger star among the two Khans, Shah Rukh or Sallu?
Bo… are… we…
What?
He says both of them are weak.
-Both? -Yes.
Then who's strong?
And listen, asshole, speak slowly. I don't want this calculator.
-He's not a calculator, he's a translator. -Yes.
Whatever, just speak slowly.
Okay. Look. At the top is Saroj Khan.
Saroj Khan. She is the one who made
-both the Khans dance to her tunes. -Yes.
This step of Salman and this one of Shah Rukh,
who taught it to them? She taught them.
Now, tell me, isn't she the number one?
She is.
On number two, we have Genghis Khan.
No one has more kids than him in the world.
And he's my role model.
-What? -Role model.
Once I get married, you'll see my real talent.
I'll have at least one child more than him.
I hope Shah Rukh and Salman come after them at least.
No. Then there's Zaheer Khan.
Zaheer Khan, left fast medium bowler.
He's won so many matches and brought acco… to our country.
What? What did he bring?
Accolades.
You seem to get it all.
-Is there anyone else before our picks? -Yes, bro.
There is. But three are enough for today.
Let's discuss this some other day. Open a beer, man.
-Yes, of course, it's chilled. -What an idiot.
Just don't get your spit into the bottle.
-I won't open it with my mouth. -Wow.
Don't wanna say cheers?
Why are you in such a hurry?
Come on, cheers.
How is your portfolio coming along?
Let me check it. I didn't get time in the last two days.
Did you talk to brother-in-law recently?
It got really strange that day. Isn't it?
What happened?
Stocks crashed.
How many client's money had you invested?
Two or three. A bigger amount for one.
Which one?
His.
How much was it?
Almost six lakhs.
Now…
My portfolio is just worth 32,500 rupees.
He's a dangerous man.
That's why I tell you
that small-time jobs don't give big benefits Shambhu.
Play big if you have to.
Is six lakh even an amount to worry about?
If we don't think big, how will we achieve it?
What will you do now?
Your husband was late again yesterday.
He got your medicine.
And you're busy complaining about him. When he came and went.
He just bought my medicine.
It's not like he was making it to come home so late.
Mother, your hormones are out of control. That's why you don't trust anyone.
Look, Ashoklata.
Women never cross the limit, but men can.
-Men are fickle. You get that? -Oh, my God…
Okay, didn't you tell me
that he got all dressed up when he went to get this fan repaired?
With full gusto.
Didn't you say that?
Yes.
Did he ever turn it on?
Tell me.
Did he?
Learn to identify the signs.
Women have only one weapon. Our sixth sense. Activate it.
Where are you going all dressed-up?
Why are you questioning him?
He must be going for something important, right, son-in-law?
Go on. You are working hard for your family.
Go without worry.
I'm going to meet a client.
Did you smell his perfume? It's rose today.
-Come. -Where?
Come on, get up.
-Where are you going, Mother? -I said, get up! Come on.
-We'll follow him. -No.
-It's for your family. Come. -What are you talking about?
Let me lock the door at least.
-Come on! -Mother, home…
-We didn't lock the door. -It's all right.
He's working hard for us and you are…
What?
He's gone. Let's follow him.
-Who will take care of the kids? -Timmy.
Come here. I want to play with him.
-Listen. -Yes?
We've to go out urgently.
-Should I come along? -No!
We're in a hurry. Just take care of the kids.
-Okay? -Don't worry about them.
Take care of their puppies, too.
Of course.
Where did he go?
Mother, what are you doing? Where are we going?
Look! Look over there.
Got him!
Drive faster.
-You see that odd colored scooter? -Yeah.
Follow it.
That girl with a pink muffler, look, how that bimbo is holding on to him.
Didn't I warn you? We finally got him.
-Faster! -I'm trying, madam!
Shut up and drive. Faster!
Who are you?
Hey!
I've grabbed her by her hair, you go and get your husband.
Go!
Tell me, how long has this been going on?
First, let go of me.
I won't! Tell me, how long has this affair been going on?
-Tell me! -It's just been a few days.
Really? What do you think of yourself? Did you use black magic on him?
Tell me!
-Did you find that rascal? -It's a misunderstanding.
What do you mean?
Let go of my hair!
You will spoil my daughter's future… I will spoil…
Mother!
We casually came behind him. What if he needs any help?
He works really hard these days.
Are you a CA, too, aunty?
No, I'm not a CA.
Then how would you help him?
He's a great CA. He checks all my accounts.
Shall we leave, Mother?
You met your son-in-law. You were so worried about him.
Ashoklata…
Mother.
Ashoklata, just listen to me.
Enough. Don't say a word now.
And if you ever doubt him again,
our mother-daughter relationship will be over.
That's it.
What your mother did today, it was really wrong.
I mean, what the hell.
I fell for it too. I've spoken to her.
We have opened your bakery. I'll have to visit the clients.
We borrowed money from Mr. Abdul. We have to return it on a regular basis.
How do we do it?
Listen.
Mom needs to go to the hospital tomorrow. Her eye surgery is scheduled.
I remember. I'll take her. Don't worry.
You left the door open.
Are you okay?
What's the matter? You seem upset.
Let me dance for you. You like it, don't you?
It's been a while since I danced.
Look.
Not just Bindi Madam,
we liked your dance, too.
Dhaincha, I caught the asshole red-handed.
Bring Raja Bhai over.
Till then, I'll have fun with him.
Then will take care of the bastard.
Madam, what's the name of this lodge?
Madhur Milaap Lodge.
I swear, this name will break Raja Bhai's heart.
Madhur Milaap.
Madhur Milaap, room number nine six. Hurry up.
Asshole, you tainted Madam. You're going to get thrashed.
Come on, get on with what you were doing. You were gonna dance, right? So, go on.
Let's see what you got. Come on!
Dance!
Very good. You dance well. Shake your tush.
Shake both sides. Are you saving the other side for something?
Yes. Very good.
You dance well, man.
Keep going. I'm looking at you. I don't miss anything.
I've a keen eye.
What the fuck!
Wow! You look like a cowboy from abroad.
Why are you looking at Madam? She can't save you.
Raja Bhai is going to teach her a lesson, too.
Madam.
We've had this different-tasting cake at home, too, right?
I see. So he brings this cake.
Raja Bhai had it, too.
He's a confectioner making sweets for the world,
and his wife is feeding him sweets made by someone else.
You stomped all over Raja Bhai's honour.
Enough with the fun and games. Let's get to work now.
Hey!
He's made me really happy. I won't let him die.
Hold him down!
Sex doesn't taint a woman!
Bloody fuckface!
Motherfucker!
You!
Motherfucker!
Don't you feel ashamed of screwing another man's wife?
I'll crush your balls today.
Isn't this what makes you horny? No?
I'll remove your piston, and there'll be no more shooting.
MANDO MOTHER-IN-LAW
-Vineet? -What's up?
Vineet, listen, where are you?
Madhur Milaap. I'm with a client.
-What's wrong? -I'm also at Madhur Milaap.
In room number 96.
Vineet, I'm in trouble. Please come over to room 96.
-You're in 96? I am in 106. -Yes.
Didn't you hear the ruckus? That is me with the client.
Thankfully I didn't break the ceiling of your room.
Be thankful for that.
-I'll wrap it up, be there in two minutes. -Please come quickly.
You can't trust this man at all.
Stallion. Wild Stallion.
Vineet.
Where's the fire?
Vineet…
What the…
What is this?
Motherfucker, what the fuck have you done?
Blood…
He called you over for help, but you're shitting bricks yourself.
What's done is done.
And stop cursing so much. There's a woman in the room.
And a corpse… a corpse, too.
Are you men just for namesake?
Get out of this place.
You leave from the front door,
I'll take the back door.
Wait a minute.
Bring those two here.
Come on.
Wash the knife well.
You take care of that and I'll take care of this.
I…
Okay.
Had you told me sooner, I would've suggested homeopathic medicine,
and you could've avoided the eye surgery.
You would've felt better without surgery.
Look, how fit I am.
Thanks to homeopathy, I look 55, though I'm 70 according to records.
I've never been to a hospital.
-Then why are you going today? -For you.
Hold me tight or you might fall.
Yes.
MADHUR MILAAP
Lapp…
Hey, Lappu! Lappu!
Why aren't you talking?
Lappu!
Hey!
No.
Lappu!
Subtitle translation by: Sheela Sijin Mathews