Come in.
♪ Conjurer, o, conjurer ♪
♪ I'm the lover of lovers ♪
♪ Conjurer, o, conjurer ♪
♪ I'm the lover of lovers ♪
♪ I've traded heart for a heart In this deal of love ♪
♪ I won the bet of love By losing my heart ♪
♪ Conjurer, o, conjurer ♪
♪ You are a great magician… ♪
Did you see that, Raja Bhai? The solid proof I got!
I think I deserve an award for this.
-This man is dancing in the video. -Hmm.
And he dances very well.
Bindi is looking really happy.
This is just the trailer, Raja Bhai.
I have recorded the whole damn live action.
Here it is. Watch it from here.
Right here.
Just look at how they are at it. So passionate, isn't it?
And the show goes on.
She happens to be my wife, Lappu beta.
You're watching and showing it to me as if it's some dirty reality show.
Motherfucker, stop this now!
Bloody fucker!
You have high sugar.
Why the hell did you bring jalebis?
These jalebis were supposed to be for both of us.
The video was pretty long, so we got some snacks.
I brought samosas for you, but you had the jalebi.
I want this video transferred to Dhaincha's phone
and deleted from your phone, go on.
Hmm.
I had told you this, Raja Bhai.
You need to know what happens in your home.
How Bhabhi and that motherfucker were in bed together.
Whatever may have happened in bed…
…but the man danced so well, buddy.
Danced for Bindi.
To tell you the truth, this matter has become very personal to me now.
Bring your bhabhi here.
We, uh…
We need more information about that bastard.
And then let's take care of him.
Why tell Bhabhi that we know, Raja Bhai?
What if she goes and alerts that motherfucker?
Lappu and I will keep a close eye on him.
We'll catch him red-handed and end the fucking asshole!
Do it carefully, Dhaincha.
He humiliated me. Motherfucker!
♪ Noida, Noida, Noida Spiral, Spiral, Spiral, Spiral Wheel ♪
♪ Noida, Noida, Noida, Noida Spiral, Spiral, Spiral, Spiral Wheel ♪
♪ A gentleman sitting atop The yellow wheel of time cycle ♪
♪ This is his destiny Meet the common man ♪
♪ He was looking for sweets But all he got was a bitter pill ♪
♪ This is his destiny Meet the common man ♪
♪ In the exam called life He gets 0 out of 10 ♪
♪ This is his destiny Meet the common man ♪
♪ Noida, Noida, Noida, Noida Spiral, Spiral, Spiral, Spiral Wheel ♪
Oi! I want the car to be sparkling clean!
And if you miss a single spot, I'll make sure you're fired from this job.
And then you'll wash the car, beta?
You have no sense of shame.
Getting the security guard to wash your car for you.
Is it the guard's job?
I told him, "This is not my job," Ammaji.
You try to make him understand.
You keep your mouth shut!
You wash the car in five minutes.
But I never see you doing the guard's duty.
Who is the secretary of this society? I'll complain about you.
It's him. Please complain!
Oh, when the emperor himself is naked, why should his subjects wear clothes?
What's the matter, bhai? Huh? Who is naked?
No one is actually naked. It's just a saying.
A society where the building secretary
makes the security guard wash his car cannot be a safe place at all.
You are absolutely right about that.
-Taneja, fix the system, man. -Yeah, yeah.
You go back and do your duty. Am I clear?
Huh?
What did you say your name was?
I never told you my name.
You don't worry at all. I will put everyone in their place.
Taneja is only a secretary in name. Do you know the real power is in my hands?
First of all, I'm going to get rid of these dogs.
These children have allowed things to get out of control!
-And their father just pampers them. -Ritu.
Nani!
And why shouldn't he pamper them? They're so cute, right?
The kids of course and the puppies also.
Will you have some milk?
You didn't tell me you were Tribhuvanji's mother-in-law.
Is he some VIP for everyone to know?
And why would I tell you? Are you from the CID?
Come on, kids, let's go to school.
Ah, I can’t even get angry with you from now on.
Come on! Faster!
Yes, faster!
You can do it! Don't give up.
Faster!
Don't give up! You can do it!
-You're very close to your goal. -Very close.
You're almost there.
Yes, you can do it! Yes!
Ah, motherfucker! Damn this department.
They're trying so hard to fix their image, but they are screwing me over!
Am I a policeman or Paan Singh Tomar?
-I hope I don't die on this fucking-- -Shut your mouth!
I'm saying push-up. And not lie down, get it?
Samosa, jalebi, bhujiya, stop everything! I said no more junk.
-Did you cheat? -You think I want to die?
I had nothing. Promise, Guruji. I'm telling--
Just shut up! Shut up!!
Dhaincha, Bhabhi just entered the parlor.
I'll update you if anything happens.
I've examined your eyes.
I would like to take some of your medical history.
My knees hurt a lot.
There's gas in my stomach.
And my heart keeps pounding very fast.
I won't live much longer now.
Go easy on the chaat, Ammaji.
Really? If I don't eat chaat, and I am able to heal myself,
then why are you charging me fees?
Which quack have you brought me to?
-Can he handle an eye surgery? -I'll manage, Ammaji.
-Soon your eyesight will be twice as good! -Her eyes are already sharp!
BINDI JI CLIENT CAN WE MEET?
Some tests. Get them done.
If the reports are good, you can bring her in for the surgery soon.
Okay.
After we finish these tests, take me to the market.
I want to eat chaat.
NOT POSSIBLE TODAY
Alright, Ammaji. Let me take you for some chaat.
TOMORROW?
Doctor sahab, namaste.
NOT POSSIBLE TODAY, TOMORROW?
Bhabhi has just left the parlor.
She's going towards Atta market. I'll follow her there.
Come on, you won't even let me drink my beer in peace!
At least tell me where you're taking me, Pinky?
Didn't Raja Bhai tell you you’re supposed to count the cash? Huh?
Raja Bhai gets irritated when we are counting money, right?
-Yeah. -So I found a good solution.
Oh, really?
What is this solution supposed to be?
You learnt math, fucker? Huh?
Not math, smartness! Wait and watch.
Hey, fucker!
-Where the fuck have we come? -Wait and watch.
"Gopaldas Jhurani."
Let's go!
Count this cash in the machine.
Then after that, hand over the machine to us.
-He's saying you-- -I understood.
But why?
Why should I give it to you? Is it your father's property?
Hmm?
What did you say?
-Do you also have a gun? -Yes, uncleji.
-Teamwork. -Very professional.
You should have told me that? Why did you waste my time? Hmm?
Take the machine.
It's not like I'm counting some fucking fortune with this every day!
Take this, Raja Bhai. You can count any amount now.
You won't have to deal with Lappu or this fucker.
Jhatka, didn't I give you the idea for the machine?
-You're such a bastard! -Okay, stop. Go and see the customers now.
-You were missing the whole day. -Okay.
Half a kilo of bhujiya, Jain sahab.
Your bhujiya is the most famous across Noida!
This recipe is handed down for many generations.
-Of course it is very famous. -Hmm. Of course.
♪ …In this deal of love ♪
How much, sahab?
♪ I won the bet of love ♪
Jain sahab?
Hey, Jain sahab?
♪ Conjurer, o, conjurer ♪
♪ You are a great magician… ♪
You are just letting your phone ring.
But if this ringtone doesn't stop playing right now,
I will tear your jaw apart and rip your tongue out of your fucking mouth.
Stop it, motherfucker!
How many kilos of bhujiya did you buy?
-Half kilo. -150 rupees.
-Change your ringtone immediately, okay? -Hmm.
See what I mean, sir?
I mean, what strange thieves!
They came to the bank, but didn't steal cash. Just took the machine.
I know.
That is exactly what I didn't understand, sahab.
Alright, we'll look into it.
-Back to work. -Okay.
Fuck, man, usually, small crimes are more profitable.
Not much to investigate, and we manage to make some money.
But how do we make any money here?
Madam, sign here please.
Aah!
You've come to the bank. That means you definitely have the money.
You must have come to withdraw it or deposit it. Huh?
Then why do you want alimony like a fucking beggar?
I will report your behavior to the judge. Then you'll be in trouble.
Be careful of what you say to me.
I'll tell her about all your side deals! Then she'll definitely throw you in jail.
By the way, you're here to investigate the machine theft, right?
That's all you're fit for. Solving these petty crimes all your life.
You'll never get a big case and never be able to solve one!
It's alright, sir. Let it go.
I want to open an account.
I'm expecting a settlement soon, a big one.
JAIN MANSION
♪ Lose your heart to someone ♪
♪ I've fallen in love ♪
♪ I forgot the world And can only think of you ♪
♪ Your drenched body is on fire ♪
♪ A fire that burns Brighter when it rains ♪
♪ I'm like a butterfly Without a care in the world ♪
♪ My heart longs To get lost in your arms… ♪
You seem very engrossed in the song.
Hmm.
-Is this your favorite song? -Yes.
Now you'll ask me to dance for you, correct?
No.
I feel happy just watching the song.
♪ I've traded heart For a heart in this deal of love ♪
♪ I won the bet of love By losing my heart ♪
♪ Conjurer, o, conjurer ♪
♪ You are a great magician ♪
Summer in Noida is going to get very hot.
Bloody idiotic song! I want to watch the news.
And I will not change the channel.
Don't change the channel.
You watch the news and change the country.
I'm going for a shower.
It's getting so hot these days.
Everything seems normal so far.
Bhabhi either goes to the parlor or the theater.
Keep an eye on her, Lappu.
Once an animal has tasted human blood…
there's no coming back from there.
Why don't you just agree with me? It's so difficult to convince you.
Tell me something,
Sallu Bhai's super hit towel-rubbing dance,
can your Shahrukh do it?
Really? And Shahrukh's world-famous step?
Can Sallu even think of doing it?
This Pinky is a new entry. Let's ask him to decide.
Oi, tell us, between the two, who is the bigger Khan? Shahrukh or Sallu?
Both are ordinary.
What?
He's saying both are ordinary.
-Both of them? -Yes.
Then who is extraordinary?
And listen, fucker, go a little slow. I'm not in the mood to use a calculator.
-He's not a calculator, he's a translator. -Yes.
Whatever he is, why can't you speak more slowly?
Okay, listen carefully. Number one is Saroj Khan.
What?
Saroj Khan. She's the one who makes both the Khans dance to her tunes.
Salman Khan's this step, Shahrukh Khan's this step.
Tell me, who taught them all this?
She is the one.
So then tell me, isn't she the number one Khan?
She is.
At number two, Genghis Khan.
He has the maximum number of children in the whole world.
That's why he's myr… model.
-He's what? -Role model.
You all just wait and watch.
Let me get married, I'll show you my talent then.
I will produce one child more than him.
Okay, but tell me, at least Shahrukh and Sallu are next on the list, right?
No.
Then comes Zaheer Khan.
Zaheer Khan, left, fast medium bowler.
He has won so many matches for India.
He has made the country feel sop…!
What? What did he do?
-Made us proud. -Hmm.
You are fucking understanding everything?
Hey, is there anyone in line before Shahrukh and Sallu?
Yes, bhaiya! There are many more. But for today, three are enough.
I'll tell you later. Come on, open the beer.
-Yeah! They're nice and chilled! -You're such a fucking blabbermouth!
Don't spit into the bottle while opening.
-No mouth at all. -Wow.
No cheers, nothing, man?
Cheers!
You're in a tearing hurry to drink your beer!
-Come, cheers. -Cheers.
How much is your portfolio worth now?
Just taking a look right now. Haven't had any time in two days.
Did you get a chance to speak to Jijaji at all?
What happened at the lodge that day was so weird.
Don't you think so?
All okay?
All the stocks have crashed.
How many clients had invested?
Two, three clients.
But a lot from one client.
Who's that?
This fellow.
How much was it?
Close to six lakhs.
Today…
the portfolio is worth just about 32,500!
He's a very dangerous man.
Which is why I say,
small jobs don't bring big benefits, Shambhu.
If you must play, play big.
It's just six lakhs and look how you're stressing over it.
If we don't think big, how will we make it big?
What will you do now?
Last night, Damadji was late again.
In spite of him getting churan for you,
you keep tracking his movements all the time.
When he comes, when he goes.
Was he buying the churan from a shop,
or was he making it himself that he got so late?
I think your own hormones are out of control.
That's why you keep suspecting everyone.
Look, Ashoklata,
it is very unlikely that a woman will cheat.
But men stray all the time.
-They're like butterflies. Understood? -Oh my God.
Okay, fine. Remember you told me,
he took this fan to be repaired fully dressed up to go out.
Very tip-top!
You told me.
Yes.
Has he ever used it?
Tell me.
Did he use it?
Please learn to read between the lines.
Women have the most important weapon.
Our sixth sense. Wake up!
Where are you going all dressed up?
Stop nagging him.
There must be some important work. Right, Damadji?
You go. You're working so hard for the family, right?
You don't worry.
I'm going to meet a client.
Smelt the perfume?
Rose day today.
-Come on. -Where?
Come on, hurry up!
-Where are you going? -I said, get up.
-Let's go. -Where?
-Let's follow him. -No.
-I'm doing this for your family. -What's wrong with you?
Let me close the door!
Hurry up.
Wait, one minute…
-The house is open. -Leave it!
He's working so hard for all of us. And you're…
What?
He's gone. Come, let's follow him.
Who will look after the children?
Come here. I only want to play Christie.
-Listen. -Tell me.
-We're going out for some work. -Want me to come with you?
No, no.
We are in a hurry. You watch the kids for now.
-All right? -Don’t worry at all.
-And take care of their puppies also. -Of course.
Where is he?
Amma, what are you trying to do?
-Where are we going? -Shh! Shh!
Look! See that!
We got him!
Come on, go faster!
Do you see that scooter there? That stupid, yellow one?
-Yes. -Follow it fast.
That pink muffler woman, sticking to him, wicked witch!
Didn't I keep telling you?
We caught him red-handed.
-Faster! -How fast, Ammaji!
Shut your mouth and drive. Faster!
Amma.
Yeah, tell me?
Hey!
I've got my hands around this bitch. You inside, go find Damadji.
Go!
Tell me, for how long this affair has been going on?
-Just let go of me. -Let you go?
Tell me how long this nonsense has been going on?
-Tell me! -It's not been very long, swear!
Really?
-Who do you think you are? -Don't do this.
How did you get my damadji? What spell have you cast?
Ashoklata, did you find the cheater or not?
Please let go of my hair.
Amma!
We just, uh, thought we'll follow Damadji to work today.
Just in case he needed some help from us.
He works very hard these days.
You are also a CA, Mataji?
No, I'm not a CA.
So then, how can you help him?
He is a very diligent CA. My accounts are safe in his hands.
Shall we leave, Amma?
Happy now to see your dear damadji?
You were so worried about him, right?
Uh, Ashoklata…
-Amma. -Ashoklata, listen to me.
Enough, Amma. Enough. I don't want to hear another word.
And if you ever again accuse him of cheating,
then our relationship is over forever.
Enough!
The way your Amma acted today, that was not okay at all.
I mean, there's a limit, man!
She pressured me into doing it. This won't happen ever again.
See, we put money into your cake shop.
Which means I have to take more clients. Huh?
We borrowed money from Abdul Bhai. We have to pay him installments regularly.
How will we do it?
Hmm.
Listen.
We need to take Amma to the hospital tomorrow
for her eye surgery.
I remember. I'll take her. Don't worry about it.
Hey?
Why did you leave the door open like that?
Are you all right?
What happened? You look very upset today.
Let me dance and cheer you up.
You like that, right?
I haven't danced for you for many days now. Hmm.
Ready?
Hey, not only Bindi Bhabhi,
even we all enjoyed it a lot.
Your graceful dance.
Dhaincha, I just caught that asshole red-handed.
Come here immediately with Raja Bhai.
Hmm.
Meanwhile, let me have some fun with this asshole.
We'll deal with this fucker properly.
Bhabhi, what is the name of this lodge?
Madhur Milaap Lodge.
When Raja Bhai hears this name, it will really break his heart.
"Madhur Milaap."
Madhur Milaap, room number 96. Yes, come soon.
How dare you do dirty things with Bhabhi, you fucker!
We are going to beat the shit out of you.
Go, go. Why don't you start?
You were going to perform some dance moves, no?
Why don't you get started, you fucker?
Let me sit back and relax. Come on.
Uh, um, eh…
-Come on, dance! -Uh…
Not bad, huh. You are an amazing dancer. Come on, shake your hips.
Shake both sides. There's no need to feel shy, you asshole.
Huh. Very nice.
You dance really well, man.
Keep going. I'm watching your moves. I like to watch everything.
I have very sharp eyes.
Hey! Motherfucker!
Damn! Looks like you've just walked out of a Hollywood film!
Why the hell are you looking at Bhabhi, huh?
She won't be able to save you now.
She's in deep shit and Raja Bhai will deal with her.
Bhabhi,
isn't this the same weird cake you brought home the other day?
Yes.
Oh, I see. So he's the man who brings the cake for you.
Raja Bhai also had this.
The wife of the halwai whose mithai is so famous
has the guts to feed him cake brought by another man?
I mean, you have completely destroyed Raja Bhai's honor.
Okay, enough of this small talk. Let me take care of you now.
Hey!
He has made me so happy. You think I'm going to let him die?
Hold him down!
Having sex does not make a woman dirty, understood?
Fucking asshole.
Ah…
Bloody motherfucker!
Daughter fucker!
Ah!
You!
-Ah! -Motherfucker!
You think you can screw around with other men's wives, huh?
Do you have any shame or not?
I'm going to break your balls tonight! Huh?
So this is what you're so confident about? Huh?
Get rid of this bloody snake. So there's no need for a snake charmer!
Come here!
I'll get you.
MANDO MOTHER-IN-LAW
-Vineet Bhai. -What happened?
Um, Vineet Bhai, listen carefully. Where are you?
I'm at Madhur Milaap. I'm with a client right now.
-What are you up to? -I'm… I'm also in Madhur Milaap.
Uh, in room number 96.
Vineet Bhai, I'm in deep shit. You better come here quickly. To 96.
-Are you in 96? -Yes.
I am in 106.
Did you hear the banging or not? That was me, busy with the client.
That bed took such a beating, we almost broke your ceiling!
It was quite a banger!
-Let me wrap things and myself up. -Come here at the earliest.
MANDO MOTHER-IN-LAW
This man is extremely irresponsible.
The name is Ghoda. Desi Ghoda.
Vineet Bhai.
What the fuck's happening?
Vineet Bhai…
What the fuck is happening?!
What is this?
Motherfucker, what the fuck have you done?
You have killed-killed…
He called you here for your help, but you are being such a coward!
What's done is done now.
And don't abuse so much. There is a lady in the room.
Body! There's also a body. A dead body. A dead body.
-You two are men just for the sake of it. -Huh?
Both of you, get out of here quietly.
You use the front entrance. And…
I'll leave from the back exit.
There's a body and the body is dead.
One moment.
Can you bring me those things?
Uh…
Come on.
Go, wash the knife.
Hmm.
You better dispose this off. I'll take care of this. Hmm?
B… But…
-Okay. -Hmm.
If you had only told me earlier, I would've suggested a homeopathic remedy.
You would not even have needed eye surgery.
You would have been healed without any procedure.
Look at me. How fit I am.
Thanks to homeopathy, I am 70 years on paper, but I look 55.
You know, till date, I've never been to a hospital.
-So why are you going today? -Only for you.
Hold on tight, otherwise, you may fall down.
Yes.
MADHUR MILAAP
Hey, Lappu.
Hey, Lappu! Lappu!
Why aren't you saying anything?
Lappu?
Hey!
No, no, no, no, no.
Lappu!