1
00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:11,094
First of all, when I get broken up with,
my response is like,

2
00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,763
-"Yeah, get out of here."
-[crowd laughing]

3
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:17,100
"What were you doing here
to begin with, buddy?"

4
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:20,520
"Run for your life. Take me with you.
I don't wanna be here."

5
00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:23,148
[rock music playing]

6
00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:27,193
[announcer] New York City,
make some noise for Jordan Jensen!

7
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,696
[crowd cheering, whistling]

8
00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:35,744
-I'm… I'm having an underwear issue.
-[crowd laughing]

9
00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:37,287
I… I bought…

10
00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:40,749
I'm trying to be less disgusting,
so I bought all these, like…

11
00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:42,876
You know the underwear for women?

12
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,421
[crowd laughing]

13
00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,256
It's just underwear for women.

14
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:50,842
I bought that.

15
00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:53,219
But they've… they've…

16
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:55,638
They're gaslighting us
on our pussy part, no?

17
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,100
It's getting smaller by the day.

18
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,685
-Isn't it?
-[woman] Yeah!

19
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:05,565
It used to be big, like a fat ACE bandage,
and now it's… it's little.

20
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:10,862
And then you put it on, and you have to…
you… you have to favor a labe all day?

21
00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,655
[crowd laughing]

22
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,700
You… [laughs]
You gotta split custody. You ever do that?

23
00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:18,411
Where you're like,
"You get it for five more minutes,

24
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,789
but then you better
share with your brother."

25
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:23,041
"Yo, you gotta share, I said."

26
00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:25,210
"Fair is fair."

27
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,045
[crowd continues laughing]

28
00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:31,674
What do women do that have had kids
who've… [screeches] You know?

29
00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:36,888
The fact that women rip during childbirth
is a Jackass sketch.

30
00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:41,351
The fact that your whole life,
your body's like, "Have a baby, whore."

31
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:42,977
[crowd laughing]

32
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,438
Then you finally do, and it's like,

33
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,524
"Let's make the baby's head bigger
than their pussy."

34
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:50,110
"My name's Johnny Knoxville.
This is the cunt tear."

35
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,321
That's fucked up. Illegal.

36
00:01:54,739 --> 00:01:57,033
What do men have that's bad?
What do you have that's…

37
00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:59,327
You know what men have
that I wouldn't trade for anything?

38
00:01:59,410 --> 00:02:01,579
When you guys cum,
your feet look really stupid.

39
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:03,540
[crowd laughing]

40
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:04,958
[screeches]

41
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,254
When a guy's like,
"Do you wanna do reverse cowgirl?"

42
00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:11,172
you're like, "Do you wanna do that?"

43
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,174
"Sure."

44
00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:18,388
You're about to cum,
and your toes go, "Spread out, boys."

45
00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:23,977
You guys should feel insecure about that.

46
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,563
I might have a dick in my mouth,

47
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,815
but while I do,
your feet look dumb as hell.

48
00:02:29,732 --> 00:02:30,775
[Jordan chuckles]

49
00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:33,403
[sniffs] These underwear suck.

50
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,991
It's 'cause I… I'm trying to be…
trying to be a little bit more feminine.

51
00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:41,035
I'm trying to be… I pitched this hour
to a different streaming platform,

52
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,620
and they were like, "We love you."

53
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:45,498
"We just want you
to either be gay or more feminine."

54
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,959
-And I was like, "Yeah, me too."
-[crowd laughing]

55
00:02:48,042 --> 00:02:50,795
-"Yes. Sign me up."
-[scattered whooping]

56
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:55,258
I wanna be hot.
All my friends are getting hotter.

57
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:59,345
One of my friends is so hot
that she can make demands of men.

58
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,055
Do you know about these?

59
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:05,143
She's so hot that she can demand things.
It's called-- She calls…

60
00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:08,354
It's boundaries, is what she calls it.
She sets boundaries.

61
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,023
[scattered clapping]

62
00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:11,733
Amazing word.

63
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,820
She goes… She goes,
"I set a boundary with my boyfriend."

64
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,197
She goes,
"I told him that he has to text me

65
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:21,451
every night before bed,
'Good night, I love you,' or it's over."

66
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,996
I was like, "What'd he say?"
She goes, "Now he texts me every night,

67
00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:28,583
'Good night, I love you,' and now
everything's… [with vocal fry] …great."

68
00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:30,084
And I was like, "Nice."

69
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:32,629
If I said that to any man I've ever dated,
they would be like,

70
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:35,381
"Perfect, I was on the fence anyway.
Get the fuck out of here, bitch."

71
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,008
[crowd laughing]

72
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,804
I'm not setting ultimatums, okay?

73
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,515
Me in a relationship is not me being like,
"You gotta do this."

74
00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:48,144
Me in a relationship is me going,
"No, I'm not gay, watch." [gargles]

75
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:53,316
"No, I love doing this." [gargles]

76
00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:54,692
"I'm really enjoying it."

77
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:57,070
"I like being here."

78
00:03:58,988 --> 00:03:59,906
[chuckles]

79
00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:03,409
That's also probably why I'm insecure
is because everybody thinks I'm a lesbian.

80
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,577
It's very annoying.

81
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:07,956
I'm not gonna fucking date a woman because
I have three lesbian moms and a dead dad.

82
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:11,084
I'm not trying to replace Mommy.
I'm trying to replace Daddy.

83
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,169
[crowd laughing and whooping]

84
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:17,340
And when I'm with a woman,
I'm the daddy, and I don't wanna be daddy.

85
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,384
As soon… Have you…

86
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:22,720
Anytime I have sex with a woman,
they're locked in forever, right?

87
00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:26,057
They're like, we're… we're one.
We're a snake eating its own tail.

88
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:28,685
My hand is in there.
I can't back it out, dude.

89
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,019
I'm like, "Whoa, what is that?"

90
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,980
They're like,
"That's my heart. You can keep it."

91
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:34,482
No! I don't want that.

92
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,283
I went and got waxed
to try and be more feminine.

93
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,243
I'll get waxed.
That'll make me less dykey.

94
00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:47,787
'Cause everything I do,
everybody goes, "You're a big dyke."

95
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:50,456
I wore a watch the other day,
nine strangers, "Dyke."

96
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,583
I was like, "I have to know the time."

97
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,836
"I have to know what time it is."

98
00:04:56,337 --> 00:05:00,008
What am I supposed to have on my…
a… a little tattoo of a penis, and I go,

99
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,301
"Oh, it's cock o'clock"?

100
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:04,012
"Oh, good, I know what time it is now.
It's cock o'clock."

101
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,352
And then I went in to get waxed…
I'll tell ya.

102
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,563
I went in to get waxed. I go in.

103
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,231
First of all, the reason why I went in

104
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,526
is because when we shave,
we are traumatizing ourselves

105
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:22,030
in the shower because of the position
we have to get into. Okay?

106
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:24,699
Men, you think we're in there like this.
You think we're like this.

107
00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:27,952
♪ I'm just a girl in the world
Doing things that I do ♪

108
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:29,120
No.

109
00:05:29,203 --> 00:05:31,456
Not like that. Not like that.

110
00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:32,832
It's not one foot up.

111
00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:35,376
[in deep voice]
It's two feet flat, ten-hut.

112
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:37,712
It's bad, dude.

113
00:05:37,795 --> 00:05:42,258
I have to do… [grunts]
My ass… My ass… Brutal, dude.

114
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,302
And then you have to squinch over.

115
00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:47,513
You get these rolls, these belly rolls,
and the water goes over the rolls,

116
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,974
making it look
like a Frank Lloyd Wright house.

117
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,226
-You know what I mean?
-[crowd laughing loudly]

118
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:55,938
You're like, "Oh, good, I've made
an architectural… [in singsong] …anomaly."

119
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,316
And then you get the tits.
That's the worst.

120
00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:00,651
'Cause you have to roll
the shoulders to get under.

121
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:03,821
So you roll the shoulders.
We get those fucking long boys.

122
00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:07,700
Oh, Foghorn Longhorn.

123
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:10,453
Why do they get so…
Why are they drippy, drippy sandcastles?

124
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,330
Why do they look like lava lamps?

125
00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:15,208
Why do they look
like they're gonna drip off my body?

126
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:16,709
They're like paddles.

127
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,461
It looks like if you got them going,

128
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:21,798
they would clack for eternity
like Newton's cradle.

129
00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:26,219
And the-- I hate this too.

130
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:27,845
You have to pull this back.

131
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,808
To get the good shave,
you gotta pull this back

132
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:35,144
like you're fucking putting eye drops
into a shaggy dog's eyeball.

133
00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:40,233
"Look up at me. Look up at me.
I'm helping you is why."

134
00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:45,071
[laughs]

135
00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:47,073
So I went… I went in, and I got waxed.

136
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:49,575
[slurps]

137
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:52,036
I hate when comics tell a joke,

138
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,955
and while people are laughing,
they take a sip.

139
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:56,040
It makes…
It's very self-aggrandizing to me.

140
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,251
Like while you guys are laughing,
they're like, "Yeah."

141
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,838
[moaning]

142
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,423
[scattered yelling]

143
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,551
But I went in, and I got waxed.

144
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:09,595
I… Here's the deal. I went in, and she--

145
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,014
First of all, she said,
"Take your pants and underwear off."

146
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,267
And then she did not leave the room.

147
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,646
[crowd laughing]

148
00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:20,982
I was like, "Are you gonna stay?"

149
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,944
-She's like, "Do you want me to leave?"
-I was like… [scoffs] "No."

150
00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:26,070
[scoffs]

151
00:07:26,904 --> 00:07:30,032
And then I… Here's the deal.
I took my pants off.

152
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,742
It was underwear time, okay?

153
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:37,748
We don't know what's on our underwear
at any given time of day.

154
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:42,044
We don't know what level of discharge.

155
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,421
[crowd laughing loudly]

156
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,131
You guys thought I was gonna say the word.

157
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:48,009
-It's discharge. It's fucking disgusting.
-[cheering]

158
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:51,721
Don't cheer for it. It's the gross--
That's also why I don't date women, okay?

159
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,764
I'm not-- [grunts] It's disgusting.

160
00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:54,932
If a guy goes down on me,

161
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:57,852
and his face is wet… [retches]
…I go… [retches]

162
00:07:58,728 --> 00:07:59,687
[retches]

163
00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:03,566
You better wipe quick.
You better come up and wipe quick.

164
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:09,989
Sometimes I get homophobic.
They'll come up, and I'm like, "Yo, what?"

165
00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:12,533
"Were you sucking a dick
down there now? Shit."

166
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,328
They're like, "I was going down
on your female genitalia."

167
00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:18,372
I'm like, "Eh, you were sucking a cock."
[laughs]

168
00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:20,875
[chuckles]

169
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:23,211
[clears throat]

170
00:08:24,420 --> 00:08:27,590
So she was like… You know, she was like,
"Take your underwear off."

171
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,508
And you know, some days you take it off,

172
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,302
there's nothing on there,
and you go, "Oh."

173
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:33,930
"I should have… nine boyfriends, okay?"

174
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,934
Other days, you take it off,
and you're like, "I…"

175
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,062
"I have to go right to jail."

176
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:46,234
So what I did was,
I took it, I… I did it, I…

177
00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:48,778
Here's what… I gonna tell you what I did.

178
00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:50,696
[sighs]

179
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,740
She's standing there, dude.
She's standing there.

180
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:54,825
So what I do is, I grabbed…

181
00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:57,161
[crowd laughing]

182
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,247
I grabbed the pussy part…

183
00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:04,168
I grabbed the pussy part, and then I…
And then I kinda wiped with it.

184
00:09:05,294 --> 00:09:06,879
I did. I kinda wiped with it.

185
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:08,464
And then, she's like watching.

186
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,716
And then I start
pulling it down like this.

187
00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,970
-And she's like, "Are you okay?"
-And I was like, "Yeah, totally."

188
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,847
This is how I take my underwear off.
You don't do that?

189
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:20,393
I take it off like that,
and then I throw it right in the trash.

190
00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:21,519
Weird if you don't.

191
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:23,896
It's actually weird if you don't do that.

192
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:26,899
[chuckles]

193
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,861
So then, the waxing lady goes,
"Do you want me to remove everything?"

194
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:36,158
And I… I'm afraid of bald vaginas,
not in like a philosophical sense,

195
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:38,703
but in like a literal… [gasps] …sense.

196
00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:41,831
They just frighten me, dude. Like,
when one of my friends is like changing

197
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,166
or peeing or something
and she pulls her underwear down,

198
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,251
and there's a bald vagina,

199
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:46,669
it looks like… [screeches]

200
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:47,962
It looks like, um…

201
00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:49,171
It looks like if…

202
00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,382
It looks like a betrayal.

203
00:09:51,465 --> 00:09:55,136
It looks like if you walked up
behind somebody that you thought you knew…

204
00:09:57,179 --> 00:10:00,683
and you're like, "Oh, it's Jason, look."
And you saw him from the back,

205
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:03,269
you're like, "100% Jason,"
and you spun him around,

206
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:06,063
and then his face
just had no facial features.

207
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,857
[crowd laughing]

208
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,692
[scattered clapping]

209
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:14,071
Right?

210
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:20,369
It looks like Neo's mouth in the Matrix
when he's like, "Mm, mm, mm, mm."

211
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,330
I don't like that. [sniffs]

212
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,584
She was like,
"Okay, well, what do you want then?"

213
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:29,295
And I was like, "I would just like a, um…"

214
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,964
"Uh, like…"
What I should have said is a bikini wax.

215
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:35,968
That's what I wanted. Just that…
My shit… with no beard, right?

216
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,345
[crowd laughing]

217
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:39,388
So I was like, "Oh, I'll take…"

218
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:42,016
I was like,
"I just want the, um, triangle."

219
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:44,852
She was like, "Triangle, no problem."
I was like, "Thank you so much."

220
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:49,649
She was like, "I love you." I was like,
"I love you too." And then I laid down…

221
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:55,905
and it all happened very fast.

222
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:57,990
[laughs]

223
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:02,953
Um, it didn't hurt very much
because I guess I asked her…

224
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:06,207
She said women have three times higher
of a pain tolerance than men.

225
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:07,375
Did you guys know that?

226
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:08,584
-[whooping]
-Isn't that crazy?

227
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,921
Men don't get their balls waxed often,
but women do it all the time.

228
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,381
I asked her about that.

229
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:16,384
I asked a massage… I got a massage,
and I was like, "Is that true?"

230
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,469
"Women have a higher pain tolerance?"
And she goes,

231
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:22,014
"Bro, women want me to get
a running start and drop a knee on them."

232
00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:26,268
She was like, "Men come in and they're…
[mocking] …'Two kisses and a hand job.'"

233
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:33,359
And then… So she goes…
She goes, "Your triangle's all done."

234
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:37,655
And I look up, bro, what she gave me

235
00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:40,908
legally is a triangle.

236
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,993
[crowd laughing]

237
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:46,956
It is… It… It is… Okay, look.

238
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,333
This is what I thought
it was gonna be, okay?

239
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,378
This is what I thought it was gonna be.
I'll show you.

240
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,633
That's what I was expecting.

241
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,301
[crowd laughing]

242
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,970
Right? Just my shit.

243
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:04,765
Classic… high and tight, right?

244
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,559
[crowd continues laughing]

245
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,728
What she gave me?

246
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:13,399
[whimpers] What she gave me?
I'll show you. I'll do an actual…

247
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,738
[crowd continues laughing]

248
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,657
[laughter heightens]

249
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:23,617
[inaudible]

250
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,704
So fucked up. It's like that…

251
00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:29,874
[whines] It's like that. It's like that.

252
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:34,795
It is tiny. [in deep voice] And it is low.
It is oddly low down.

253
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:36,464
At least make it centered, so it's like,

254
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:38,757
"Oh, follow the weird arrow
to the clitoris."

255
00:12:39,341 --> 00:12:43,012
It's, "Oh, the clitoris, it's right there.
It's wearing a little tiny hat."

256
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:45,431
No, it's a British soldier. You got it.

257
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,685
It looks like Guy Fieri,
like a soul patch.

258
00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:52,980
It looks like a soul patch,
like I'm waiting to do a bit

259
00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:55,941
where a guy goes down on me,
and I go, "Welcome to Flavortown."

260
00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:02,239
And then I thought about it.
I was like, "What the fuck? I'm fucking…"

261
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,450
"I'm ripping my pubic hair out

262
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:07,578
to be more feminine
so a man will wanna have sex with me?"

263
00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:10,414
I don't even like sex that much.
I'll say it. I don't like it that much.

264
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:11,832
I'm not very good at it.

265
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,459
[crowd laughing]

266
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,712
I'm having a hard time,

267
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:22,468
uh, making men
ejaculate semen out of their cocks.

268
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,470
[crowd laughing]

269
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,265
[laughing continues]

270
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:30,518
I… [scoffs]

271
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:33,771
I thought… I was worried
that I had a giant vagina.

272
00:13:34,688 --> 00:13:36,440
I was worried I had a giant vagina.

273
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:40,694
And I went into the doctor, not for…
I wasn't like, "Check my giant vagina."

274
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:42,822
I did not do that.

275
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:44,949
-I had a lump in my vagina.
-[crowd exclaims]

276
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:46,784
-Don't say, "Ew."
-[crowd laughing]

277
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:48,160
Did you just say, "Ew?"

278
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:49,787
Are you fucking kidding me?

279
00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,706
That's crazy, and it wasn't a man's voice.

280
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,668
A man's voice, I would have accepted.
It was a woman's voice?

281
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:58,420
Okay, I didn't say it was a zit or…
Okay, which would…

282
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:01,048
Still you should accept my vagina
for who it is and how it is

283
00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:03,175
and what it decides to do with its life.

284
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,928
But mine had a… It was a lump, okay?

285
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,513
[scoffs] Bitch.

286
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:09,515
[crowd laughing loudly]

287
00:14:09,598 --> 00:14:11,267
[chuckles] That's scary.

288
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,478
Men, if you have to have sex
with that lady, that's horrifying.

289
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:17,481
You have to pull your subpar penis out,
and she's, "Ew."

290
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,986
Um, I will never do that to you,
just so you know.

291
00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:24,280
I'll go like this,"Oh!" [chuckles]

292
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,867
I'll go, "Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

293
00:14:28,867 --> 00:14:31,245
Um, so…

294
00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:34,582
[lips smacking] I went into the doctor.
I had a lump in my vagina.

295
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,751
-A-- And…
-[crowd laughing]

296
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,713
[chuckles] It wasn't bad. It's not bad.

297
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,340
It was a gland that I was tugging
and pulling at, and she's like,

298
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,134
"You gotta stop tugging
and pulling at this."

299
00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:47,761
And I was like,
"You gotta take my fingers off then."

300
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,264
"You gotta take both my hands, please."

301
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:54,518
But she had the curling iron in there.

302
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:56,896
I hate that thing.

303
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,022
Why is it so dry?

304
00:14:58,105 --> 00:14:59,899
It pulls your outer labia in.

305
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,734
-[crowd laughing]
-Ah!

306
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:05,321
Like a witch's finger, just… [squeaking]

307
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:06,697
Or they over-lube it.

308
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:09,783
You ever get the cool doctor
who's like, "No, don't worry, I got you."

309
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,327
And then they… [splutters]

310
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:14,830
And all day,
you're just squeaking that shit out.

311
00:15:15,789 --> 00:15:17,207
At five o'clock, you cough

312
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,543
and you're like,
"Oh, that was from earlier."

313
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,839
But I asked her when she had
that speculum in there, I was like,

314
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,884
"Is that… Is that like a regular size?"
And she was like, "Yeah."

315
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,135
And I was like, "Nice."

316
00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:29,929
[crowd laughing]

317
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,140
But what's happening with men is…

318
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:35,017
You'll be having sex with them, right?

319
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,062
I think I'm on a lot of Prozac also,
so I can't… I can't… I don't…

320
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:40,397
I'm over it pretty quickly, right?

321
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,607
Nice.

322
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:42,775
It works.

323
00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:44,568
Remember in your 20s when you would just…

324
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:47,279
They would just come quick,
and then you'd collect their soul

325
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,281
like David Bowie in the Labyrinth?

326
00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:52,284
Now you gotta do a whole fucking thing.

327
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:55,871
You gotta do a whole song and dance
because they've chafed their cocks.

328
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:57,790
You know what I mean?

329
00:15:57,873 --> 00:16:00,793
They have a wizened…
a wizened cock, if you will.

330
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:06,757
Sometimes I'll just hop off it.

331
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,635
I'll just be like,
"Dude, I gotta expedite this shit, right?"

332
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:11,762
You ever do that?
We have to make you come.

333
00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:14,473
Because if we don't, the next day
we'll look in the mirror and go,

334
00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:16,809
"You're a fat… you're a fat ugly bitch."

335
00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:18,602
"You're a fat ugly bitch."

336
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:21,522
Sometimes you guys don't even wanna come.
"I'm good."

337
00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:23,941
And we're like,
"Oh, this is for me. Sit down."

338
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:25,609
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

339
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:27,945
[chuckles]

340
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:31,031
[crowd continues laughing]

341
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:33,117
But then what I'll do…

342
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,369
You guys have done this.
You switch over to the hand job.

343
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:37,663
You're like,
"I'll fucking knock this out quick, dude."

344
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:38,622
"I'll knock this out."

345
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,749
We've been jerking dudes off
since we were, you know,

346
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,876
whatever age makes you feel comfortable.

347
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,753
[crowd laughing]

348
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,130
[scoffs]

349
00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:47,715
And then you start doing that, right?

350
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:49,758
You're like, "This is good…
I'm doing a good job…"

351
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,885
You can see the toes… [screeches] Right?

352
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:53,762
And then you go, "Okay."

353
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,931
"My arm's getting a little tired, dude."

354
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,392
"You better fucking
go over the edge here, man."

355
00:16:58,475 --> 00:16:59,601
And then, you ever do this?

356
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,854
You get so tired that
you hand off the cock to him?

357
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,021
You ever do that?

358
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:04,773
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

359
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,817
You try and be hot. You try and be like…

360
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,069
[in playful voice]
…"I wanna see you do it."

361
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:12,281
You're not, You're really like,
"You take over, professor."

362
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:15,743
"Show me the way, sensei."

363
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:19,997
And then you watch him, and you're like,
"I've made a critical folly."

364
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,834
'Cause you guys
fucking get after that thing.

365
00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:26,628
And we're watching you,
we're like, "Don't do it."

366
00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:29,923
"No, let him live! Let him live."

367
00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:34,595
You guys fucking… Why wouldn't you
warn me while I'm jerking you off?

368
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:37,681
Why wouldn't you be like,
"Hey, you don't stand a chance"?

369
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:41,894
-"You don't have nearly the torque."
-[crowd laughing]

370
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:46,023
"You can try jerking me off,
but you're gonna need welding goggles,

371
00:17:46,106 --> 00:17:47,149
a panini press."

372
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,654
[chuckles] You do whatever
you've been doing since you were 13

373
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,364
right in front of us. We hide that shit.

374
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:57,993
"Thanks, I got it from here.
I like to whip and snap and bend and rip."

375
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:00,245
Scary stuff.

376
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:07,336
That's porn though. Porn is doing that.
You're watching too much porn?

377
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:09,004
Nobody admits to it.

378
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:11,715
I hate porn. I'm against--
I'm not against porn.

379
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,760
But it makes me feel bad
about my body and face and hands.

380
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,597
I watch… I jerk off to weird things like

381
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:21,016
George W. Bush.

382
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,768
[crowd laughing]

383
00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:27,022
The press conference where they whip
the shoe at him. He slips it like a boxer.

384
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:27,940
Fuck!

385
00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:28,899
Remember that?

386
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:31,068
Google that the second you leave here.

387
00:18:31,151 --> 00:18:32,152
They whip the shoe at him.

388
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:35,155
He slips it like a boxer and then starts
getting fucking amped, dude.

389
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:38,283
And his security guard runs in,
and he goes, "No, no, no."

390
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,036
And he slips the other one.
I jerk off to that twice a week.

391
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,704
[crowd laughing]

392
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,707
Now what… I don't jerk off
to the politics now.

393
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,835
What would I jerk off to? Elon?

394
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,420
Dude, I thought Elon was done.

395
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,924
I thought Elon was done when they, uh…
when he threw up the salute.

396
00:18:54,007 --> 00:18:56,218
-[crowd laughing]
-I was sure of that.

397
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:57,928
"On, we're never gonna see him again."

398
00:18:58,011 --> 00:18:59,805
But then people were defending him.

399
00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:02,516
Like my mom's defending him,
which is kind of crazy,

400
00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:05,102
which is weird
because they have their pubic hair,

401
00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:06,812
like, macramé'd into a

402
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:10,732
mural that says,
"Not our president." You know?

403
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:12,651
[crowd laughing]

404
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,196
But they were like, "He has Asperger's."

405
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:20,033
And I was like, "Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm upset."

406
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,493
[laughing continues]

407
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:24,746
I'm upset that we put
a man into the public eye

408
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,875
that's gonna get so autistic
that he's gonna geek out

409
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,585
and throw up a hate sign.

410
00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:30,878
That's wild.

411
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:34,047
Remember in high school
when there was that one autistic kid,

412
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:35,465
and your teacher was like,

413
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,843
"Now we're gonna watch Billy
give his presentation."

414
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:39,011
And we'd all be like,

415
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,762
"Must we?"

416
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,806
-[laughing continues]
-[chuckles]

417
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,522
And poor Billy would just get
to the front of the class and just…

418
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,275
[screeches]

419
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:56,111
And you'd be like, "Yeah, he's gotta go
to a different school, dude."

420
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:59,281
"This is not safe. It's not safe for him.
It's not safe for us."

421
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,241
"He throws the basketball too hard."

422
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,910
[crowd laughing]

423
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:05,454
Um… I did--

424
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:08,874
I looked up porn the other day because…
I looked up porn because, y'know,

425
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:11,710
I gotta see what I… I gotta keep up.

426
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,045
I gotta keep up.

427
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,299
It was… It's changed.

428
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:18,467
Porn has changed.

429
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,887
Like when I watched it…
I probably looked in on it a year ago.

430
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:23,889
Right? And it was like, you know…

431
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,684
[high-pitched] "Fuck me, step bro." Right?

432
00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:30,854
And now… Which is fine.
At least they're, like, talking.

433
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:32,814
Like, they were having a narrative.

434
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,525
There was a back and forth.
And now it's like… I watched it,

435
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:38,737
and, like, all of the ones I could find,
it had changed to this like…

436
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:42,282
It was like… [high-pitched moaning]
You know what I mean?

437
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,076
It was like electrocuted baby.

438
00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:45,702
You know what my theory is?

439
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:47,996
I think it's… I think it's lip fillers.

440
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:51,333
They sound different.
At the gym, I saw a girl working out.

441
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,543
She took these weights,
and she was going like this…

442
00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:56,254
-[high-pitched moaning]
-[crowd laughing]

443
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:58,590
It fucked me up.
I was like, "I'm gonna fight this bitch."

444
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,050
I was like, "I have to kill her."

445
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:04,471
She can't do this to my gender.
You know what I mean? This is not good.

446
00:21:04,554 --> 00:21:08,350
And then I watched her long enough
that I realized that… [moaning] That that…

447
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:11,645
That was how her air was escaping her body

448
00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:14,773
because the lip fillers
was making the hole smaller.

449
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,109
Like, she had whittled herself
into an oboe.

450
00:21:17,192 --> 00:21:21,154
Like, if you push air through an oboe,
it's gonna make an oboe sound--

451
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:22,781
It ha… It's gonna. [squeals]

452
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:25,659
That's why porn stars sound like that.

453
00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:27,744
That's why porn stars go…
[high-pitched moaning]

454
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:30,664
They can't… If I open my mouth
during sex, I go, "Whoo!"

455
00:21:30,747 --> 00:21:32,165
-Right?
-[crowd laughing]

456
00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:36,003
I can go, "Let's get after it, boy!"

457
00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:37,254
I can go like that.

458
00:21:40,173 --> 00:21:42,634
But you got-- They can't do that.
The porn… [moaning]

459
00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:44,970
That's all they can do.
They might not even be enjoying it.

460
00:21:45,053 --> 00:21:47,848
They might be going… [high-pitched]
…"I don't wanna do it anymore."

461
00:21:47,931 --> 00:21:49,391
[crowd laughing]

462
00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:54,563
You're not allowed
to say that about porn stars.

463
00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:56,148
They love their jobs.

464
00:21:56,231 --> 00:21:59,526
They love being there.
They chose it. It's where they wanna be.

465
00:22:00,277 --> 00:22:01,945
-[chuckles]
-[crowd giggling]

466
00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:05,282
[sniffs] And you turn it on,
it's a girl just crying on a cock.

467
00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:06,408
She's like… [wailing]

468
00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:09,328
You're like, "No, she's an artist.
She really likes that."

469
00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:16,335
I watched an interview with a porn star,
and it fucked my ass up, dude.

470
00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:18,295
She had fake tits.

471
00:22:18,378 --> 00:22:20,589
The fake tits scare me.
They were huge, dude.

472
00:22:20,672 --> 00:22:23,133
You know what they reminded me of
when I saw them?

473
00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:26,928
I guess people are into this.
They looked like… They looked like, um…

474
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:30,432
Remember those bouncy balls at Walmart?

475
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,726
-[crowd laughing]
-Okay, hear me out.

476
00:22:32,809 --> 00:22:34,394
They're in the cages.

477
00:22:34,478 --> 00:22:36,021
Yes, dude, yes.

478
00:22:36,104 --> 00:22:36,938
Those were sick.

479
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:40,650
You'd pop one out, and your parents
from so far away would be like, "No."

480
00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:44,112
You'd be like, "I'm just gonna bounce it
around the store."

481
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:46,990
I love those. Then you'd have to return it
back to the cage.

482
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:49,368
It'd roll towards you,
and you'd go, "I miss you too."

483
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:50,869
[crowd laughing]

484
00:22:50,952 --> 00:22:54,122
We had one of those…
Actually, I had one of those at my school.

485
00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:56,833
I went to a small school
for fucked-up children.

486
00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:59,461
And, uh, I had one of those bouncy balls.

487
00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:02,255
Like, the teacher gave it to me
to deal with ADHD.

488
00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:04,883
And, uh, we were putting on a play,
and we were like going…

489
00:23:04,966 --> 00:23:08,470
We were losing our minds that day.
We were terrorizing the teacher.

490
00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:11,056
And then the Black kid in the play
said the N-word.

491
00:23:11,139 --> 00:23:12,516
And the teacher went…

492
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:15,352
[mocking] …"Don't ever say that
in my house ever again."

493
00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:17,604
Right? We all looked
at the Black kid like, "What?"

494
00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:20,190
And he went, "It's go time."
And then we all started yelling it.

495
00:23:20,273 --> 00:23:21,650
[crowd laughing]

496
00:23:22,442 --> 00:23:23,568
We didn't know what it meant.

497
00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:26,154
We just knew
it was making her wanna kill herself.

498
00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:28,407
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

499
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:30,283
She was losing her mind.

500
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,577
She lines us all up
on the edge of the stage.

501
00:23:32,661 --> 00:23:35,705
And I have that bouncy ball, right?
She's screaming at us.

502
00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:38,458
It's still like…
Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.

503
00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:42,504
And she's like, "You're the worst kids
I ever worked with in my goddamn life."

504
00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:45,424
"I never--"
And I was, "Bounce, bounce, bounce…"

505
00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:47,092
And then she goes, "Jordan Jensen."

506
00:23:47,175 --> 00:23:50,178
And I held the ball, and she goes,
"If you bounce that ball… [pants]

507
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:54,141
…one more time,
this entire production is canceled."

508
00:23:54,224 --> 00:23:57,144
And all the kids, like, looked down
the line at me, like… [trilling]

509
00:23:57,227 --> 00:24:00,147
And I looked at her, and I went… bounce.

510
00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:03,442
Dude, kids were ripping their shirts off.

511
00:24:04,317 --> 00:24:07,571
-A bow and arrow came out at one point.
-[whooping]

512
00:24:07,654 --> 00:24:08,947
Maybe a stage dive.

513
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:11,741
It was like… [yelping]
It was the best day of my life.

514
00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:15,120
It was the best day of my life.
Anyway, her tits looked like that.

515
00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:16,663
[crowd laughing]

516
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:18,290
Nice.

517
00:24:18,373 --> 00:24:20,709
[crowd clapping and cheering]

518
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:21,668
Cool.

519
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:24,421
I'm glad we made it back.
I'm glad we made it back.

520
00:24:24,504 --> 00:24:27,299
If I make it back around, I don't have
to take… [singsong] …Adderall.

521
00:24:27,382 --> 00:24:28,758
Okay?

522
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:31,094
Um… And she was doing this interview,

523
00:24:31,178 --> 00:24:33,555
and she said something
that made me realize, I've…

524
00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:35,974
-I'm severely mentally ill.
-[scattered giggling]

525
00:24:36,057 --> 00:24:39,227
The… The interviewer asked her
something about her boob job.

526
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,062
Like, you know, she said something like,

527
00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:44,983
"Why'd you go so Megatron
with your make and model?"

528
00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:47,068
It was more respectful than that, right?

529
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:49,321
And this is what she said. She goes,

530
00:24:49,404 --> 00:24:51,948
"Oh, this is
what I've always felt I looked like

531
00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:53,492
on the inside."

532
00:24:54,409 --> 00:24:55,994
[crowd laughing]

533
00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:03,627
If I…

534
00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:06,880
If I went to a doctor and I said,
"Doctor…

535
00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:08,965
[crowd laughing]

536
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:11,468
…make me look how I feel"…

537
00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:13,553
[crowd continues laughing]

538
00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:18,808
…the monster
that would exit that facility…

539
00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:24,189
the creature that would… [screeching]

540
00:25:24,940 --> 00:25:27,275
How I feel on the inside is hostile,

541
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:30,195
is yucky, disgusting.

542
00:25:30,278 --> 00:25:32,864
I don't even know
if I would leave as one… woman.

543
00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:33,865
You know what I mean?

544
00:25:33,949 --> 00:25:39,079
I might leave
as many disgusting, bad, dirty men.

545
00:25:39,162 --> 00:25:42,541
You know what I would leave as?
As fucking Hamas. It would be Hamas.

546
00:25:43,166 --> 00:25:45,085
It would. It would be Hamas or ISIS.

547
00:25:45,168 --> 00:25:48,338
It would be six dudes in the back
of a dilapidated Toyota pickup

548
00:25:48,922 --> 00:25:50,924
with AK-47s.

549
00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:52,801
The doctors would be like,
"What have we done?"

550
00:25:52,884 --> 00:25:55,428
I'd be like…
[hoarsely] …"You did a good job, doctor."

551
00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:58,682
"I feel actualized as a woman."
[imitates machine gun firing]

552
00:25:58,765 --> 00:26:00,058
That's what would happen.

553
00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:02,811
I don't wanna feel that way.
I don't wanna hate myself.

554
00:26:02,894 --> 00:26:04,271
I'm tired of it. Tired of fucking…

555
00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:07,148
I'm tired of thinking
sex is like going to cure my…

556
00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:09,651
You know, if I fuck enough dudes,
I'll like myself.

557
00:26:09,734 --> 00:26:12,404
I've just… It's enough.
I'm out of the game, dude.

558
00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:15,824
Remember having sex, and your vagina
was jacked up, and you're like,

559
00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:19,411
"I'm not letting anybody in there.
It's… It's… She's hurting."

560
00:26:19,494 --> 00:26:21,204
-[crowd laughing]
-"Nobody's welcome."

561
00:26:21,288 --> 00:26:23,331
And then one guy was like,
"Can I have sex in there?"

562
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:26,209
-And you were like, "Yeah, go right in."
-[laughter continues]

563
00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:28,795
Remember that? You didn't let them
eat you out or go down on you.

564
00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:29,713
You weren't lubed up.

565
00:26:29,796 --> 00:26:32,215
You're just like, "Just push it in.
It'll wet its own whistle."

566
00:26:33,049 --> 00:26:35,093
"Just pump for oil. It'll get there."

567
00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:37,053
They loved it, dude.

568
00:26:37,137 --> 00:26:40,140
They're like, "Oh, you're so tight."
You're like, "Thanks, it's inflammation."

569
00:26:40,223 --> 00:26:41,891
[crowd laughing]

570
00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:45,061
One time… one time… [chuckles]

571
00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:47,147
[crowd continues laughing]

572
00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:50,650
[giggles] You guys know about that, right?

573
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:52,444
-[laughing continues]
-[chuckles]

574
00:26:53,653 --> 00:26:57,616
One time I was having sex with this dude,
and we were doing it like that, right?

575
00:26:58,158 --> 00:27:00,744
And, uh, me and him, we--
I was in love with him.

576
00:27:00,827 --> 00:27:03,872
We both had vasovagal,
which is where we both faint at blood.

577
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:06,082
And we were doing like that.

578
00:27:06,166 --> 00:27:10,545
We were doing the dry rub,
and the side of my vagina got cut.

579
00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:12,047
[crowd mumbling]

580
00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:15,133
-Yes.
-[crowd laughing]

581
00:27:15,216 --> 00:27:17,260
And he must've felt like a… I didn't…

582
00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:19,429
I didn't feel anything
'cause it was all pain.

583
00:27:19,512 --> 00:27:21,973
-And I didn't…
-[crowd laughing]

584
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:23,224
And I didn't see anything

585
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:25,894
'cause I was searching his eyes
for love and commitment.

586
00:27:28,229 --> 00:27:30,273
But he must've felt
like a change in viscosity

587
00:27:30,357 --> 00:27:32,984
because he pulls out, and he goes,
"Are you on your period?"

588
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:34,569
And I go, "No, why?"

589
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:36,696
And then he goes,
"I'm so sorry. I can't help you."

590
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:40,325
-And faints on my body, right down.
-[crowd laughing hysterically]

591
00:27:40,408 --> 00:27:41,284
Right down.

592
00:27:41,368 --> 00:27:42,786
[laughing continues]

593
00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:46,748
And then I was like, "What's going on?"
So then I lifted up his hips.

594
00:27:46,831 --> 00:27:48,833
I saw the blood, and then I passed out.

595
00:27:49,542 --> 00:27:51,544
And usually what happens
when you faint is you faint,

596
00:27:51,628 --> 00:27:54,714
you get oxygen, and you leave, right?
But we were stuck together.

597
00:27:54,798 --> 00:27:58,718
So we were just fainting, waking up,
looking at each other, seeing the blood.

598
00:27:58,802 --> 00:28:01,054
[crowd laughing]

599
00:28:06,059 --> 00:28:07,227
[mouthing]

600
00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:09,187
[crowd continues laughing]

601
00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:12,107
We would look at each other like,
"We have to break the cycle."

602
00:28:13,483 --> 00:28:14,859
"Gotta get us out of this."

603
00:28:14,943 --> 00:28:17,404
I did it. I got us out of it.
I pushed him off me.

604
00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:21,449
I shoved him off me onto the floor,
and I started army crawling to my

605
00:28:22,784 --> 00:28:24,035
mom's bedroom.

606
00:28:25,203 --> 00:28:28,915
Dude, I was, like, nak--
Not naked. I never fuck naked.

607
00:28:28,998 --> 00:28:32,794
So probably T-shirt, no pants
or underwear, Pooh Bear, right?

608
00:28:32,877 --> 00:28:34,337
And I was Pooh-Bearing…

609
00:28:34,421 --> 00:28:35,672
[exhales]

610
00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:38,425
…to my mom's bedroom. [chuckles]

611
00:28:39,008 --> 00:28:40,635
Just screaming. [screeches]

612
00:28:41,386 --> 00:28:43,972
And I get to my mom's room,
and the door was locked

613
00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:45,557
'cause she was always, you know.

614
00:28:46,766 --> 00:28:48,643
Always locked, dude, with this bitch.

615
00:28:48,726 --> 00:28:50,145
And she's a good mom.

616
00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:52,981
She just is an asshole.
She doesn't know that she's an asshole.

617
00:28:53,064 --> 00:28:56,276
She's doing her best.
So I knock on the door, and I go, "Mom."

618
00:28:56,359 --> 00:28:57,444
And she goes, "What?"

619
00:28:57,527 --> 00:28:59,362
And I go,
"My vagina's bleeding everywhere."

620
00:28:59,446 --> 00:29:02,282
"I cut the inside of it.
It's bleeding. I keep fainting."

621
00:29:02,365 --> 00:29:03,658
She interrupts me and goes,

622
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:06,870
"It's just like the inside of your mouth.
It'll heal quick."

623
00:29:06,953 --> 00:29:09,289
[crowd laughing loudly]

624
00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:13,126
I think about that every day.

625
00:29:15,795 --> 00:29:16,713
Why?

626
00:29:16,796 --> 00:29:17,714
Why?

627
00:29:17,797 --> 00:29:21,426
Why? What-- Few questions,
just a couple, actually.

628
00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:23,928
Why did she have the information
so readily available?

629
00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:24,929
That's a big que--

630
00:29:25,013 --> 00:29:27,974
My biggest question is
why was she standing so close to the door?

631
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,936
Anyway, now I'm like, okay,
let's not use sex to deal with insecurity.

632
00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:35,106
Let's fucking figure out what it is
on the inside, okay?

633
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:37,817
I think a big part of it is,
I think if you grow up poor,

634
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:40,737
you're inherently insecure,
because you see too much shit.

635
00:29:40,820 --> 00:29:44,532
Like if you grow up trash, you see
gnarly shit that you have to tell people.

636
00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:48,536
You have to be… You know, you don't
have to, but you kind of have to, right?8

637
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:50,789
At some point, it comes out.
Somebody says, "I love you."

638
00:29:50,872 --> 00:29:53,792
And you go, "You don't love me.
I know a guy who fucked a cat."

639
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:55,251
[crowd laughing]

640
00:29:55,335 --> 00:29:56,669
"You can't love me."

641
00:29:57,754 --> 00:29:59,714
"You haven't seen what I've seen."
We see too much.

642
00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:02,842
We hear too much.
We hear a lot of adults having sex, a lot.

643
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:05,011
If you grew up poor,
you overheard adults having sex,

644
00:30:05,094 --> 00:30:07,305
and you didn't realize it
until you got into high school.

645
00:30:07,388 --> 00:30:10,308
And some kid at some point goes,
"If I ever heard my parents having sex,

646
00:30:10,391 --> 00:30:11,601
I'd kill myself."

647
00:30:12,393 --> 00:30:14,896
And you go,
"Yeah, I wanna die every day, yeah."

648
00:30:15,563 --> 00:30:16,981
It's sex all the time.

649
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:19,192
And it fucks you up as a kid
if everybody's being--

650
00:30:19,275 --> 00:30:20,401
And I don't know what it is.

651
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:23,488
I don't know
if it's that the houses are smaller

652
00:30:23,571 --> 00:30:25,281
or the parents are younger
when they're poor

653
00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:27,200
or, like, the insulation in the walls,

654
00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:31,204
the R-value, has been reduced
by… cat piss and cigarette smoke.

655
00:30:31,287 --> 00:30:32,247
I don't know.

656
00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:35,041
But I know it's a common thing.

657
00:30:35,542 --> 00:30:38,002
My dad would fuck all the--
It's called covert incest

658
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:39,504
when you fuck around your kids.

659
00:30:39,587 --> 00:30:41,881
It's called covert incest,
which sounds extreme,

660
00:30:41,965 --> 00:30:43,007
doesn't it?

661
00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:46,261
Covert incest sounds like
if there were three brothers

662
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:48,304
stacked up in a… in a trench coat…

663
00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:52,475
and they all raped you.

664
00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:56,479
[Jordan giggles]

665
00:30:57,897 --> 00:31:02,819
But covert incest… I was watching, uh…
I was watching Law & Order: SVU and, uh…

666
00:31:02,902 --> 00:31:04,737
[crowd laughing]

667
00:31:04,821 --> 00:31:06,281
That show rips, dude.

668
00:31:06,364 --> 00:31:09,659
How is that… How is it legal
for us to watch that? [chuckles]

669
00:31:09,742 --> 00:31:11,786
You're like, "This guy
fucked this woman's eyeholes."

670
00:31:11,870 --> 00:31:14,247
You're like, "Surely, they won't show it.
Oh my God!"

671
00:31:14,330 --> 00:31:16,332
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

672
00:31:16,416 --> 00:31:20,086
I was watching it, and they were like,
"Oh, this victim is a, you know…"

673
00:31:20,169 --> 00:31:23,464
"She grew up with covert incest."
And I was like… [howling]

674
00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:25,300
And they were like,

675
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:28,052
"When one of your parents is being
too sexual around you as a child."

676
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:30,972
Not sexual at you, just around you.
They're having sex around you.

677
00:31:31,055 --> 00:31:33,891
And what it does is,
as an adult, you end up using sex

678
00:31:33,975 --> 00:31:35,768
to deal with complex emotions.

679
00:31:35,852 --> 00:31:37,687
And I got so overwhelmed

680
00:31:37,770 --> 00:31:40,815
by the TV diagnosing me
that I shut it off,

681
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,775
and I masturbated immediately.

682
00:31:42,859 --> 00:31:44,444
[crowd laughing]

683
00:31:45,236 --> 00:31:48,698
It was only afterwards that I was like,
"Ooh, another case closed."

684
00:31:49,949 --> 00:31:54,203
Stabler and Olivia, you are good.
[chuckles]

685
00:31:56,122 --> 00:31:57,790
It happened a lot. My dad would have sex.

686
00:31:57,874 --> 00:32:00,335
My dad… My dad was upset
that my mom was a lesbian,

687
00:32:00,418 --> 00:32:04,172
which is crazy because
he met her coaching her rugby team.

688
00:32:04,255 --> 00:32:06,257
[crowd laughing]

689
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:10,511
So then he was always
trying to beat her body count.

690
00:32:10,595 --> 00:32:12,555
Right? So he was always
fucking these women.

691
00:32:12,639 --> 00:32:15,433
And I didn't know my dad--
My mom's was the safe space.

692
00:32:15,516 --> 00:32:19,354
And then I would get dropped off there,
and there was this young, tan carpenter

693
00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:21,189
fucking these super-hot women, right?

694
00:32:21,272 --> 00:32:22,273
And I was not hot.

695
00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:24,901
I was a morbidly obese mall goth, okay?

696
00:32:24,984 --> 00:32:27,570
And I…
I was a little jealous of those women.

697
00:32:27,654 --> 00:32:29,447
I'm not saying I wanted to fuck my dad.

698
00:32:29,530 --> 00:32:32,659
But I'm saying, like… [high-pitched]
…"I wanna fuck my dad," okay?

699
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,535
[crowd laughing]

700
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:37,497
I would never say,
"I want to have sex with my dad."

701
00:32:37,580 --> 00:32:39,666
But I would say… [high-pitched gibbering]

702
00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:40,917
[crowd laughing]

703
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,252
[laughter continues]

704
00:32:43,336 --> 00:32:45,630
I was slightly attrac--
Maybe you guys had ugly dads.

705
00:32:45,713 --> 00:32:47,215
I had a hot dad who was…

706
00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:49,801
I had a fucking hot dad
who was a cowboy and a carpenter.

707
00:32:49,884 --> 00:32:53,221
Try not being attracted to your dad
when he's a ripped-ass tan guy

708
00:32:53,304 --> 00:32:56,307
going up to an unbroken thoroughbred,
petting it going…

709
00:32:56,391 --> 00:32:57,976
[in deep voice] …"Settle girl."

710
00:32:58,059 --> 00:32:59,727
-[crowd laughing]
-"Settle."

711
00:33:02,313 --> 00:33:03,189
He was hot, dude.

712
00:33:03,272 --> 00:33:04,774
And he was mean, which is hot.

713
00:33:05,692 --> 00:33:09,779
I remember going up to him as a child
and brushing his hair with a comb,

714
00:33:09,862 --> 00:33:11,698
and him going, "Cut it out."

715
00:33:12,782 --> 00:33:14,492
And I was like, "No."

716
00:33:14,575 --> 00:33:16,786
And then I brush,
and he goes, "Cut it out!"

717
00:33:16,869 --> 00:33:18,746
And I went… [mischievously] …"No."

718
00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:20,957
-[crowd laughing]
-And I brushed it again.

719
00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:24,836
He grabbed me, whipped me over
onto his lap and threw me onto the floor.

720
00:33:24,919 --> 00:33:26,504
And even as a five-year-old, I was like,

721
00:33:26,587 --> 00:33:28,673
"Ooh, that's gonna leave
a lasting impression."

722
00:33:29,257 --> 00:33:33,136
"Ooh, I'm gonna have to reenact that
with a man who's toxic."

723
00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:34,762
Um…

724
00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:41,185
He would fuck all the time.

725
00:33:41,269 --> 00:33:44,272
He'd fuck these hot women which…
God, these poor women.

726
00:33:44,939 --> 00:33:47,900
Imagine going over to a man's house
and having sex with him,

727
00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:50,987
and you know he has some weird
goth child running around somewhere,

728
00:33:51,070 --> 00:33:52,947
but you're not sure where she's at.

729
00:33:53,823 --> 00:33:56,117
And then you just open the door
after sleeping with him,

730
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,828
and there's just me standing there
with a Hello Kitty shirt,

731
00:33:58,911 --> 00:34:01,205
just a sixth grader, 220 pounds.

732
00:34:02,290 --> 00:34:04,292
[crowd laughing]

733
00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:07,003
[slurps] It's time for you to go home now.

734
00:34:08,963 --> 00:34:11,591
[hoarsely]
You've had enough alone time with daddy.

735
00:34:11,674 --> 00:34:13,801
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

736
00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:16,804
[chuckles] Every time I talk about this,

737
00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:19,557
there's always one person
in the audience that goes, "Jesus."

738
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:20,933
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

739
00:34:22,268 --> 00:34:24,562
[Jordan chuckles, sighs]

740
00:34:25,563 --> 00:34:29,025
One time he was fucking this--
We went on this camping trip,

741
00:34:29,108 --> 00:34:31,694
and he was fucking this woman in a tent,
and she was like obscene.

742
00:34:31,778 --> 00:34:33,446
It was like noon, she was squealing.

743
00:34:33,529 --> 00:34:37,241
She was like… [mockingly]
…"Fuck me, Jordan's dad," or whatever.

744
00:34:37,325 --> 00:34:39,160
[crowd laughing hysterically]

745
00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:40,495
[chuckles]

746
00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:41,954
Or whatever the fuck.

747
00:34:42,914 --> 00:34:45,708
And I had like…
I had really bad OCD at the time.

748
00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:46,918
You get OCD also…

749
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:50,213
If you come from a normal household,
your parents tell you how to stay alive.

750
00:34:50,296 --> 00:34:53,549
They go, "Water…
[hesitantly] …bread," or whatever.

751
00:34:53,633 --> 00:34:54,634
[chuckles]

752
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:56,803
My parents were like,
"I'm gonna leave for four days."

753
00:34:56,886 --> 00:34:59,180
"Here's a blowtorch.
Go fuck yourself," right?

754
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:03,309
So you develop childlike rules, right?
You're like, "How about this?"

755
00:35:03,392 --> 00:35:06,187
"On the top of every hour,
I'm gonna tap my asshole 19 times

756
00:35:06,270 --> 00:35:08,022
on the off chance, that keeps me alive."

757
00:35:08,106 --> 00:35:10,107
"One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven--" Right?

758
00:35:10,191 --> 00:35:12,443
And then the next day,
you wake up, and you're still alive.

759
00:35:12,527 --> 00:35:14,320
So you're like, "Better get to tapping."

760
00:35:14,403 --> 00:35:16,364
[crowd laughing]

761
00:35:16,447 --> 00:35:18,324
I had really bad OCD at the time.

762
00:35:18,407 --> 00:35:24,080
I had OCD where, when I pooped,
I would have to wipe 111 times, okay?

763
00:35:24,163 --> 00:35:25,498
Sure, I bled, sure.

764
00:35:25,581 --> 00:35:29,085
Sure, I still have
that same exact OCD thing, yeah.

765
00:35:31,254 --> 00:35:32,713
Clogged a lot of toilets.

766
00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:35,675
Sucks clogging a toilet when you're fat.
Let me tell you that.

767
00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:39,345
Everybody thinks you're clogging it,
'cause your poop's fat, 'cause you're fat.

768
00:35:39,428 --> 00:35:42,014
But our butthole's the same size
as everybody else's butthole.

769
00:35:42,098 --> 00:35:44,142
-[crowd whooping]
-[chuckles]

770
00:35:44,225 --> 00:35:46,269
You come out, and you're like,
"I clogged the toilet."

771
00:35:46,352 --> 00:35:48,187
And they go, "I know, look at you."

772
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:54,402
Anyway, I had to shit
on this camping trip. I was probably ten.

773
00:35:54,485 --> 00:35:56,988
I went up to the tent,
and I go, "Dad, I gotta poop."

774
00:35:57,071 --> 00:35:59,198
And he said,
"Well, I gotta cum, so get out of here."

775
00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:02,827
So then I devised this plan

776
00:36:03,953 --> 00:36:05,788
where I was like,
"Here's what I'm gonna do."

777
00:36:05,872 --> 00:36:06,998
"I can swim."

778
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:12,211
So I was like, "I'm gonna swim deep,
and then I'm gonna shit in the lake."

779
00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:14,589
"The poop's gonna go down."

780
00:36:14,672 --> 00:36:17,258
"I'm gonna get out
cleaner than before I got in."

781
00:36:17,758 --> 00:36:19,218
"The only downside to this is

782
00:36:19,302 --> 00:36:21,095
I might become
too addicted to this method."

783
00:36:21,179 --> 00:36:22,597
[crowd laughing]

784
00:36:23,389 --> 00:36:25,516
"That is a risk I'm willing to take."

785
00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:29,687
I started pooping, and I had this thought,
like, I was looking up at the clouds.

786
00:36:29,770 --> 00:36:34,483
I remember this very well, and I was like,
"Dude, this is a big step."

787
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:39,405
You are only like ten years old.

788
00:36:39,488 --> 00:36:40,698
You're really fat.

789
00:36:40,781 --> 00:36:42,408
You have really bad OCD,

790
00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:45,828
and you, uh… you managed
to find a solution to this problem

791
00:36:45,912 --> 00:36:47,246
without any adults.

792
00:36:47,330 --> 00:36:51,167
And that's called self-soothing.
And things might be all right for you.

793
00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:55,379
And then I turned, and the poop
was floating right in my face.

794
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:58,758
As if it was looking at me being like,
"Hell, yeah, brother."

795
00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:00,801
"I mean, up top, really good."

796
00:37:02,386 --> 00:37:04,388
[crowd laughing]

797
00:37:04,472 --> 00:37:06,849
And I was like, "Okay."
I was on the shore. I'll be very--

798
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:09,352
Here's the thing.
I know it's grim. I know it's grim.

799
00:37:09,435 --> 00:37:11,020
I know you're worried about me.

800
00:37:11,103 --> 00:37:15,566
But every sad thing that happens,
there's a really positive…

801
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:17,151
There's a… There's…

802
00:37:17,234 --> 00:37:19,862
I'm coping, sure. Sure.

803
00:37:19,946 --> 00:37:21,572
But every negative, there is a positive.

804
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:24,867
And there was a beautiful thing
that happened where I was on the shore,

805
00:37:24,951 --> 00:37:28,162
I was shaking, gray. I was like,
"I have to kill myself tonight."

806
00:37:28,663 --> 00:37:31,332
And I watched the poop
float towards the campsite.

807
00:37:31,415 --> 00:37:33,250
I was like, "My dad's gonna find my poop."

808
00:37:33,334 --> 00:37:36,212
"My boyfriend's gonna find my poop.
My boyfriend's gonna find my poop."

809
00:37:36,295 --> 00:37:37,964
[crowd laughing]

810
00:37:40,341 --> 00:37:45,388
And, uh, I watched the, uh, tent unzip,

811
00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:47,974
and out emerged his naked whore.

812
00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:50,643
And she had to rinse
my father's cum off her body.

813
00:37:50,726 --> 00:37:52,395
Where did she do it?
Right in my poop water.

814
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:54,313
Let's fucking go.

815
00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,690
Let's fucking go.

816
00:37:55,773 --> 00:37:59,652
-That's… That's God. That's God.
-[crowd cheering and applauding]

817
00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:02,279
That's God, being like,

818
00:38:02,363 --> 00:38:05,783
"This is gonna be a really bad life,
but here's one from your boy, okay?"

819
00:38:05,866 --> 00:38:07,994
"Never say I didn't do anything for you."

820
00:38:09,912 --> 00:38:12,832
I think the fat thing
also fucked up my self-esteem.

821
00:38:12,915 --> 00:38:16,294
I was fat. I got fat because I got stuck
in the milk-cereal paradox.

822
00:38:16,377 --> 00:38:18,713
-[crowd laughing]
-You guys know what that is?

823
00:38:19,714 --> 00:38:21,048
It's brutal, dude.

824
00:38:21,757 --> 00:38:22,883
[chuckles]

825
00:38:22,967 --> 00:38:27,847
I got fat. I had to hide…
I had to hide to eat, right?

826
00:38:27,930 --> 00:38:28,973
'Cause you're fat.

827
00:38:29,056 --> 00:38:31,475
When you eat when you're fat,
people go, "Why are you eating?"

828
00:38:31,559 --> 00:38:33,227
You go, "I'm hungry."
And they go, "No way."

829
00:38:33,310 --> 00:38:34,478
And you go, "I'm serious."

830
00:38:34,562 --> 00:38:36,272
-[crowd laughing]
-It's crazy.

831
00:38:37,606 --> 00:38:38,482
"I really am."

832
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:39,859
I also hid to eat

833
00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:43,237
'cause I had to drown out
the sounds of my father cheating on me.

834
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:44,196
[crowd laughing]

835
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:46,407
[chuckles]

836
00:38:47,283 --> 00:38:50,494
There's only one more
"fucking my dad" joke in this whole thing.

837
00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:52,621
I know if there's one person
in here who's like,

838
00:38:52,705 --> 00:38:55,249
"If there's one more
'fucking her dad' joke, I'm out of here,"

839
00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:56,667
you should go, 'cause there is.

840
00:38:56,751 --> 00:38:58,711
-[crowd laughing]
-There's one more.

841
00:39:02,214 --> 00:39:05,051
So the milk-cereal paradox is
where you put the cereal in the bowl,

842
00:39:05,134 --> 00:39:07,136
you put the milk in the bowl,
you eat the cereal.

843
00:39:07,219 --> 00:39:08,220
There's milk left, right?

844
00:39:08,304 --> 00:39:11,015
So you got to add cereal.
But then it's a little too dry.

845
00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:12,850
So you got to add milk, right?

846
00:39:12,933 --> 00:39:15,311
And then you got to add more cereal
'cause there's milk left.

847
00:39:15,394 --> 00:39:16,312
Look at that.

848
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:20,316
And then it's a little too dry.
Add a little milk on top of that.

849
00:39:20,399 --> 00:39:22,902
And you get stuck in this transcendental…

850
00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:26,113
"You got to add the cereal in the bowl
and the milk in the bowl."

851
00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:28,491
The TV's on. It's fully dissociating.

852
00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:31,077
"Cereal in the bowl
and the milk in the bowl and eat…"

853
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:34,413
[chanting rhythmically]

854
00:39:37,583 --> 00:39:39,835
Om.

855
00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:43,589
Om.

856
00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:45,633
Om.

857
00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:47,176
[crowd laughing]

858
00:39:47,927 --> 00:39:49,720
And then you get type 2 diabetes.

859
00:39:49,804 --> 00:39:51,722
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

860
00:39:51,806 --> 00:39:54,683
I did have type 2 diabetes.
I got rid of it by sucking cock.

861
00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:56,435
-You tried that?
-[crowd laughing]

862
00:39:56,519 --> 00:39:57,645
Sucked a lot of cock.

863
00:39:57,728 --> 00:40:00,064
[scattered clapping]

864
00:40:00,147 --> 00:40:02,817
Replace food addiction
with sex addiction. Works every time.

865
00:40:02,900 --> 00:40:03,859
Works, same.

866
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:06,445
Some kid came over to the farm.
"You wanna put my penis in there?"

867
00:40:06,529 --> 00:40:09,490
I was, "Yep, I put everything in there.
To… toss it back."

868
00:40:11,867 --> 00:40:15,329
And then I was worried
that I was doing a bad job.

869
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:18,541
I was worried that
I was blowing him wrong, right?

870
00:40:18,624 --> 00:40:20,417
And as I had that thought,

871
00:40:20,501 --> 00:40:22,920
he looked down at me,
and I look up at him and he goes, "Hey."

872
00:40:23,003 --> 00:40:24,964
And I was like… [muffled] …"Uh-oh, right?"

873
00:40:25,047 --> 00:40:28,300
And he was like… And he goes,
"You're doing a really good job."

874
00:40:30,219 --> 00:40:33,848
And serotonin flooded my brain.
I was like, "I never have to eat again."

875
00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:35,391
[crowd laughing]

876
00:40:35,474 --> 00:40:38,477
It really… I found out recently
that this is an eating disorder.

877
00:40:38,561 --> 00:40:41,021
A woman confronted me after a show.
She was mad about it.

878
00:40:41,105 --> 00:40:44,358
She came up to me, and she's like…
Here's the deal.

879
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:46,944
I'm very obsessed with animal facts, okay?

880
00:40:47,027 --> 00:40:48,946
Like the one
I'm obsessed with right now is,

881
00:40:49,029 --> 00:40:51,115
did you know that otters
have a little pocket?

882
00:40:51,198 --> 00:40:52,741
-[crowd laughing]
-You guys know that?

883
00:40:52,825 --> 00:40:55,870
Where they keep a rock? [squeals]
Why didn't I know it my whole life?

884
00:40:55,953 --> 00:40:56,912
Listen to me.

885
00:40:56,996 --> 00:41:00,791
They have a little pocket in their fur
where they keep their favorite rock,

886
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:02,710
and they take it out to open oysters.

887
00:41:02,793 --> 00:41:05,045
And where do they put it?
[hoarsely] Back in their pocket.

888
00:41:05,546 --> 00:41:06,797
Why didn't I know this?

889
00:41:06,881 --> 00:41:10,593
Why… How come every… How come
when I was 13 and wanted to kill myself,

890
00:41:10,676 --> 00:41:12,011
how come the therapist was like,

891
00:41:12,094 --> 00:41:13,971
"We'll give you
100,000 milligrams of lithium."

892
00:41:14,054 --> 00:41:15,556
"You won't be able to feel your hands."

893
00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:18,225
Why weren't they like,
"Hey, I know life is bad,

894
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:19,935
but otters have a little rock pocket."

895
00:41:20,019 --> 00:41:22,396
I would have lived another day.

896
00:41:24,523 --> 00:41:26,192
[chuckling] You know what I mean?

897
00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:27,109
Anyway,

898
00:41:27,193 --> 00:41:30,529
the animal fact that I was obsessed with
at the time that this woman confronted me

899
00:41:30,613 --> 00:41:31,447
was…

900
00:41:31,530 --> 00:41:34,200
was that I thought that there were
two different types of pigs.

901
00:41:34,283 --> 00:41:36,869
I thought that there were,
like, boars and pigs,

902
00:41:36,952 --> 00:41:38,579
but it turns out,
if you have an inside pig

903
00:41:38,662 --> 00:41:42,500
and you let it outside into the woods,
it'll go from being a soft little

904
00:41:42,583 --> 00:41:44,627
Babe pig, a little pink pig,
a little "pig" pig,

905
00:41:44,710 --> 00:41:46,837
and it'll turn into a strong pig.

906
00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:47,963
It'll-- Do you know this?

907
00:41:48,047 --> 00:41:51,175
It'll get thick tusks and long hair
and thick skin,

908
00:41:51,258 --> 00:41:52,760
and you won't even recognize your pig.

909
00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:55,971
You might recognize it
'cause you have a special connection, but…

910
00:41:56,639 --> 00:41:58,307
Then you let it out, it'll be outdoor pig.

911
00:41:58,390 --> 00:42:00,768
So this is… I thought this…
I viewed this as self-help.

912
00:42:00,851 --> 00:42:02,269
I was like, "Yes, I'm a pig."

913
00:42:02,353 --> 00:42:05,189
"I can go from inside pig
to outside pig in two days. Watch me."

914
00:42:05,981 --> 00:42:08,859
And then this woman came up to me
after the show, and she was like,

915
00:42:08,943 --> 00:42:11,153
"I'm so glad
that you brought up anorexia."

916
00:42:11,237 --> 00:42:13,072
And I was like, "Did I?"

917
00:42:13,155 --> 00:42:14,740
[crowd laughing]

918
00:42:14,823 --> 00:42:16,075
And she was like… she was like,

919
00:42:16,158 --> 00:42:18,327
"I'm currently
in recovery for it right now."

920
00:42:18,410 --> 00:42:19,411
"See?"

921
00:42:19,495 --> 00:42:22,289
And she put her arm out,
and she had thick black arm hair.

922
00:42:22,373 --> 00:42:25,042
-And I was like, "What is that?"
-[crowd laughing]

923
00:42:25,125 --> 00:42:27,920
And she was like, "That's what happens
when you lose too much weight."

924
00:42:28,003 --> 00:42:31,882
"Your body starts producing thick hair
to protect itself from the cold."

925
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,135
And I went… [panting] …"You're a pig!"

926
00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:37,221
[crowd laughing]

927
00:42:38,389 --> 00:42:40,099
[scattered clapping]

928
00:42:41,267 --> 00:42:43,894
[chuckles]
And she was like, "What did you just say?"

929
00:42:43,978 --> 00:42:47,064
And I was like, "Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no."

930
00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:49,775
"I apolo-- You are not…
You're not like a 'pig' pig."

931
00:42:49,858 --> 00:42:52,903
"You're like… you're a pig on the loose,
if anything. You're an outside pig."

932
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:56,782
[chuckles nervously]
"Do you want to buy a poster?"

933
00:42:56,865 --> 00:42:58,784
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles] So bad.

934
00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:00,411
[Jordan sighs]

935
00:43:01,161 --> 00:43:03,372
Anyway, I lost all this weight
sucking cock.

936
00:43:07,334 --> 00:43:09,712
[crowd continues laughing]

937
00:43:09,795 --> 00:43:11,880
I was sucking a lot of cock.
I stopped being goth.

938
00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:15,301
I stopped being goth because a cool
Black kid walked by me in school and went…

939
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:18,012
[snorting] …and I said,
"Get it off. It's over. You're right."

940
00:43:19,555 --> 00:43:21,932
Very important for Black people
to keep white people in check.

941
00:43:22,016 --> 00:43:23,100
We get weird, dude.

942
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:25,644
White people get scary.

943
00:43:25,728 --> 00:43:28,772
White dude hitting on you, way more scary
than a Black dude catcalling you.

944
00:43:28,856 --> 00:43:29,732
You notice that?

945
00:43:29,815 --> 00:43:32,151
We give Black dudes a bad rap
for catcalling. Way less scary.

946
00:43:32,234 --> 00:43:34,737
Black dude catcalling you, it's like this.
"Hey!" You go, "What?"

947
00:43:34,820 --> 00:43:36,530
They go, "You wanna fuck?"
And you go, "No."

948
00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:38,657
-And they go, "Okay." That's it.
-[crowd laughing]

949
00:43:38,741 --> 00:43:40,409
It's over. They walk away, right?

950
00:43:40,492 --> 00:43:42,494
And you walk away being so mad.
"How dare he?"

951
00:43:42,578 --> 00:43:44,163
White dudes, when they hit on you…

952
00:43:44,246 --> 00:43:47,082
First of all,
they never say they want sex,

953
00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:52,588
even though you can hear their balls
brimming, brimming with cum.

954
00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:55,716
You hear… [high-pitched ringing]
"What is that? Is that a dog whistle?"

955
00:43:55,799 --> 00:43:58,469
"What is that?"
You can see cum in their waterline.

956
00:43:58,552 --> 00:44:00,971
-[crowd laughing]
-They always come up way too close.

957
00:44:01,055 --> 00:44:02,097
[babbles]

958
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:03,641
[crowd laughing]

959
00:44:04,767 --> 00:44:06,185
Ask you something terrifying.

960
00:44:06,268 --> 00:44:08,687
[gruffly] "What album would you take
to a desert island?"

961
00:44:14,026 --> 00:44:16,028
[crowd continues laughing]

962
00:44:17,112 --> 00:44:21,575
Anyway, but I lost a bunch of weight…
[sniffs] …because of the cock,

963
00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:25,162
and I lost a bunch of weight
really quickly,

964
00:44:25,245 --> 00:44:27,331
um, because I just, you know,

965
00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:29,667
started blowing dudes instead of eating.

966
00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:33,545
And then what happened was
I got a lot of loose skin on my belly.

967
00:44:34,046 --> 00:44:35,005
Loose.

968
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,383
And it would get stuck in my zipper.

969
00:44:38,967 --> 00:44:41,303
-Picture it.
-[crowd laughing]

970
00:44:44,181 --> 00:44:45,015
Yes.

971
00:44:45,099 --> 00:44:46,850
[crowd continues laughing]

972
00:44:47,726 --> 00:44:48,685
It was gross, dude.

973
00:44:48,769 --> 00:44:50,979
I mean, it's fine. Bodies are bodies.
Who the fuck cares?

974
00:44:51,063 --> 00:44:54,274
My problem with it was, when I was on
my hands and knees taking all that cock,

975
00:44:54,358 --> 00:44:56,527
it would hang low…

976
00:44:56,610 --> 00:44:57,528
[in deep voice] Low.

977
00:44:58,070 --> 00:44:59,405
Like a dorsal fin.

978
00:44:59,488 --> 00:45:01,323
[crowd laughing]

979
00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:03,951
And it would-- That… That's also fine.
Who gives a fuck?

980
00:45:04,034 --> 00:45:05,661
But mine would make a fucking sound.

981
00:45:05,744 --> 00:45:07,705
So… How do I say this?

982
00:45:08,205 --> 00:45:10,249
That… That ass would clap…

983
00:45:10,332 --> 00:45:12,126
[crowd laughing]

984
00:45:12,209 --> 00:45:15,587
…but then that flap would slap…

985
00:45:15,671 --> 00:45:17,548
[laughing continues]

986
00:45:17,631 --> 00:45:21,635
…creating… a speed bag scenario.

987
00:45:26,473 --> 00:45:27,391
[chuckles]

988
00:45:28,016 --> 00:45:31,603
They would wanna keep it on tempo.
We both wanted it to stay on tempo.

989
00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:34,606
We'd wanna… [vocalizing rhythmically]

990
00:45:34,690 --> 00:45:37,109
But sometimes it would get off tempo,
and that's awkward.

991
00:45:37,192 --> 00:45:39,528
So we'd have to work together to be like,
"One, two, three."

992
00:45:39,611 --> 00:45:42,698
[vocalizing rhythmically]
Yeah, dude, we got it.

993
00:45:44,032 --> 00:45:46,076
So I got plastic surgery.
I got it cut off. I did it.

994
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:49,371
I'm one of these girls who got
plastic surgery. Did not change anything.

995
00:45:49,455 --> 00:45:51,874
I thought it was gonna take away
all my insecurities. Zero…

996
00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:53,542
I should have kept it. Why?

997
00:45:53,625 --> 00:45:55,961
Because I could have made
a little rock pocket out of it.

998
00:45:56,545 --> 00:45:58,547
Oh, could you imagine?

999
00:45:58,630 --> 00:46:01,842
I could have kept a rock
in my little skin pocket.

1000
00:46:01,925 --> 00:46:03,677
[crowd laughing]

1001
00:46:07,890 --> 00:46:09,349
But I've thought about this a lot.

1002
00:46:09,433 --> 00:46:11,101
I've thought about it.
I've cut my skin off.

1003
00:46:11,185 --> 00:46:14,021
I removed my fucking pussy hair
so that I can meet a man, right?

1004
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:16,523
There's so much pressure.
I'm 33. So much pressure.

1005
00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:19,026
All these people trying to solve
your problem. My poor mothers.

1006
00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:22,279
My mothers love me, but they wanna…
They're like, "Just be gay."

1007
00:46:22,779 --> 00:46:26,533
"Just be gay, baby girl.
Why are you doing this to yourself?"

1008
00:46:26,617 --> 00:46:27,451
Right?

1009
00:46:27,534 --> 00:46:30,287
But their whole thing is like--
My masculinity does get in the way.

1010
00:46:30,370 --> 00:46:33,749
It does. Even my body, my hand.
Look how big my hands are, dude.

1011
00:46:33,832 --> 00:46:35,542
These things around a cock, it dwarfs it.

1012
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:37,002
Let me see your penis, sir.

1013
00:46:37,085 --> 00:46:38,670
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

1014
00:46:38,754 --> 00:46:40,214
Pull it up here for a second.

1015
00:46:42,799 --> 00:46:43,759
[chuckles]

1016
00:46:44,676 --> 00:46:45,803
It gets little, dude.

1017
00:46:45,886 --> 00:46:48,347
It's like you're on-- It's really intense.

1018
00:46:49,848 --> 00:46:51,725
And… I'm… Their whole thing is like,

1019
00:46:51,808 --> 00:46:54,353
if you're gay,
you can escape heteronormativity.

1020
00:46:54,436 --> 00:46:57,105
You don't have to deal with
the man-woman dynamic. "Is that true?"

1021
00:46:57,189 --> 00:47:00,150
'Cause it seems like lesbians
have a pretty heteronormative dynamic.

1022
00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:03,153
Every lesbian couple I know,
there's a man and a woman, dude.

1023
00:47:03,237 --> 00:47:04,780
One of my moms is a lipstick lesbian.

1024
00:47:04,863 --> 00:47:07,866
She carries around the fucking…
She's a hairstylist.

1025
00:47:07,950 --> 00:47:10,410
She has the bag that has… no strap.

1026
00:47:10,494 --> 00:47:12,246
What's that called? Snatch? Clutch.

1027
00:47:12,329 --> 00:47:14,331
[crowd laughing]

1028
00:47:15,499 --> 00:47:17,167
Clutch is in a car. Whatever.

1029
00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:21,004
She has… She does the long eyelash exte--
She does the long nails, right?

1030
00:47:21,088 --> 00:47:24,383
When did we decide as a gender
that elongating the dead parts of our body

1031
00:47:24,466 --> 00:47:25,926
is what makes somebody beautiful?

1032
00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:29,012
Where was I? "You know
what's really elegant…" [screeching]

1033
00:47:30,264 --> 00:47:31,807
It's fucking crazy, dude.

1034
00:47:31,890 --> 00:47:33,642
Why do we have to immobilize
ourselves more?

1035
00:47:33,725 --> 00:47:36,603
My friends with these nails are like,
"Can you put the water in my body?"

1036
00:47:36,687 --> 00:47:39,565
"I can't…
I can no longer operate any motor skills."

1037
00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:40,524
"Please help."

1038
00:47:40,607 --> 00:47:41,733
[crowd laughing]

1039
00:47:42,818 --> 00:47:46,071
And then my other mom is…
[grunting] …is a CrossFit instructor.

1040
00:47:46,154 --> 00:47:48,532
She looks like a French bulldog, you know?

1041
00:47:48,615 --> 00:47:50,701
She wears a bolo on special occasions.

1042
00:47:50,784 --> 00:47:53,036
I'm like, "Yeah, you're a man, Donna."

1043
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:55,581
"You're a man and a woman
in a heteronormative relationship."

1044
00:47:55,664 --> 00:47:57,457
You know what I mean? They look normal.

1045
00:47:57,541 --> 00:48:00,252
I shouldn't say normal.
They look like one of God's… children.

1046
00:48:00,335 --> 00:48:02,337
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]

1047
00:48:03,881 --> 00:48:06,091
If God saw them,
he would be like, "Go right in."

1048
00:48:06,174 --> 00:48:07,759
I feel more queer than them.

1049
00:48:07,843 --> 00:48:11,680
I'm this fucking pseudo-lesbian
fucking all these little NPR beta cucks.

1050
00:48:13,181 --> 00:48:15,601
Strapping all these little dorks
to the back of my motorcycle,

1051
00:48:15,684 --> 00:48:18,312
being like,
"Wrap your legs around me, little buddy."

1052
00:48:18,395 --> 00:48:21,940
And they're like, "Okay, but is
my laptop bag gonna be okay?"

1053
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:25,319
-[crowd laughing hysterically]
-"Because my laptop's in it."

1054
00:48:27,904 --> 00:48:29,364
I'm sick of it.

1055
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:35,871
And then my other mom, you know,
my biological mom, she doesn't care.

1056
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:38,457
She wants me to find somebody.
I don't even know if she does.

1057
00:48:38,540 --> 00:48:40,834
She just says shit
that's mean on accident.

1058
00:48:40,917 --> 00:48:42,836
Like, I bought a house upstate, right?

1059
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:46,340
Not upstate, not like… [poshly] …upstate,
but like… [vulgarly] …upstate, you know?

1060
00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:49,134
Like, you know, paintball upstate.

1061
00:48:49,217 --> 00:48:51,345
[crowd laughing]

1062
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:52,554
And, uh…

1063
00:48:53,305 --> 00:48:56,141
I was like… I was in the house
and I-- It needs a lot of work.

1064
00:48:56,224 --> 00:49:00,395
And I was crying because me and my dad
used to do carpentry together.

1065
00:49:00,479 --> 00:49:02,230
It needs a lot of work,
and he's dead, right?

1066
00:49:02,314 --> 00:49:05,817
And also, when you buy a house,
you wanna fuck your dad in it, right?

1067
00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:07,736
[crowd laughing]

1068
00:49:07,819 --> 00:49:11,281
That's number three.
That's number three. That's the last one.

1069
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:13,659
-[whooping]
-[Jordan sniffs]

1070
00:49:13,742 --> 00:49:14,618
Um…

1071
00:49:15,994 --> 00:49:18,538
But she comes up behind me.
I'm crying about my dad.

1072
00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:21,792
She starts talking to me, and she goes,
"I know why you're crying."

1073
00:49:21,875 --> 00:49:23,919
And I said, "You do?
You know why I'm crying?"

1074
00:49:24,002 --> 00:49:26,713
And she goes, "Yeah, you're crying
'cause you thought, by this age,

1075
00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:29,341
you'd be buying a house
while married to a man."

1076
00:49:29,841 --> 00:49:33,220
And I was like,
"I was not thinking that at all."

1077
00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:36,723
And she goes, "Well, it's something
to think about," and just scurried off.

1078
00:49:36,807 --> 00:49:38,016
[crowd laughing]

1079
00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:43,730
And I get it, I get it.
You wanna be in a partnership?

1080
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:46,817
I don't know if I wanna have kids.
Having kids is a little fucked-up.

1081
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:49,236
If I don't have kids,
here's what I'm worried about.

1082
00:49:49,319 --> 00:49:52,781
Being a woman is a bad…
It's a bad gig, okay?

1083
00:49:52,864 --> 00:49:55,450
We have a bad…
We're having a bad time, okay?

1084
00:49:55,534 --> 00:49:57,661
It's rough. It's hilariously bad.

1085
00:49:57,744 --> 00:50:01,289
And if you have a kid,
all of those things that make it bad,

1086
00:50:01,373 --> 00:50:04,793
your cycle, your tits,
your weird, dumb tits,

1087
00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:08,130
all of this become utilized
when you have a kid, right?

1088
00:50:08,213 --> 00:50:10,799
So I'm worried if I don't have a kid,
my life will just be a man

1089
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:12,175
having a really bad time.

1090
00:50:12,259 --> 00:50:14,469
-[crowd laughing]
-Does that make sense?

1091
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:16,054
That's what I'm worried about.

1092
00:50:16,638 --> 00:50:19,558
Because when you have a kid,
your whole body gets utilized,

1093
00:50:19,641 --> 00:50:21,852
and men become completely irrelevant,
right?

1094
00:50:21,935 --> 00:50:23,603
Which is…
I went over to my friend's house.

1095
00:50:23,687 --> 00:50:25,313
She just had a baby, okay?

1096
00:50:25,856 --> 00:50:28,984
She… Dude, it was fucked-up.

1097
00:50:29,067 --> 00:50:30,610
She looked fucked-up.

1098
00:50:31,653 --> 00:50:34,072
Have you seen one of these…
She was still pregnant.

1099
00:50:34,156 --> 00:50:35,282
I was like, "Why are you…"

1100
00:50:35,365 --> 00:50:38,160
The baby was out. I was like,
"Why are you still… What's in there?"

1101
00:50:38,243 --> 00:50:41,413
-And she was like, "I don't know."
-[crowd laughing]

1102
00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:47,461
[chuckles]

1103
00:50:47,544 --> 00:50:50,630
She was hooked up to these milk pumps.
Have you seen these things?

1104
00:50:50,714 --> 00:50:53,383
Have you seen these things?
Why are they see-through? Riddle me that.

1105
00:50:53,467 --> 00:50:54,634
[crowd laughing]

1106
00:50:56,219 --> 00:50:59,556
It was-- Her tits…
Her big tits were in the cones,

1107
00:50:59,639 --> 00:51:03,268
and it was making
this, like, hypnotic, sci-fi, Matrix…

1108
00:51:03,351 --> 00:51:05,020
[buzzing rhythmically]

1109
00:51:05,103 --> 00:51:06,104
It was like that.

1110
00:51:06,855 --> 00:51:11,067
And her nipples were going in the things,
and they're big. They're like cocks.

1111
00:51:11,151 --> 00:51:12,944
And then… Big cocks.

1112
00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,822
Why are… Why do the nipples get so…

1113
00:51:15,906 --> 00:51:19,493
And the milk was coming out of them
like cum out of the cocks.

1114
00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:20,744
It was so gross.

1115
00:51:21,244 --> 00:51:24,247
And I was, like, really overwhelmed.
I was like, "Why are you pumping?"

1116
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:27,459
She was like, "I'm an over-producer."
And I was like, "Never say that again."

1117
00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:30,087
-[crowd laughing]
-Never say those words again.

1118
00:51:30,587 --> 00:51:33,381
And I was like… I was like… [chuckles]
And then she like…

1119
00:51:33,465 --> 00:51:36,051
She took her nipple out.
She was putting it in the baby's mouth.

1120
00:51:36,134 --> 00:51:38,553
And you watch the mom just dissociate,
just like…

1121
00:51:38,637 --> 00:51:40,263
[crowd laughing]

1122
00:51:41,181 --> 00:51:42,849
"That's a good latch."

1123
00:51:42,933 --> 00:51:46,144
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles lightly]

1124
00:51:46,228 --> 00:51:48,271
And I was like,
"Why are you breastfeeding?"

1125
00:51:48,355 --> 00:51:50,357
And she was like,
"I have to also breastfeed,

1126
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:53,276
because the baby
might have bacteria in its mouth,

1127
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:57,781
and my nipple will know
to produce an enzyme

1128
00:51:57,864 --> 00:52:00,408
that cures that bacteria."

1129
00:52:01,034 --> 00:52:03,161
I was like, "What did you just say to me?"

1130
00:52:03,245 --> 00:52:04,329
[crowd laughing]

1131
00:52:04,412 --> 00:52:06,123
"What are you talking about?"

1132
00:52:06,206 --> 00:52:07,207
Your nipple is like…

1133
00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:09,626
[gibbering] …"No, I got this, I got it."

1134
00:52:09,709 --> 00:52:10,877
"No, I'm on it right now."

1135
00:52:10,961 --> 00:52:11,837
What?

1136
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:14,464
Who knows? Your nipple knows?

1137
00:52:15,382 --> 00:52:18,134
I turn, and her Where's Waldo? husband
is in the kitchen,

1138
00:52:18,218 --> 00:52:19,845
like, "You guys want pizza?"

1139
00:52:19,928 --> 00:52:22,806
-[crowd laughing]
-I was like, "What is he doing alive?"

1140
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:24,266
[laughing continues]

1141
00:52:25,225 --> 00:52:27,060
'Cause isn't it… That's bizarre, right?

1142
00:52:27,144 --> 00:52:29,771
That women have to go
through all the biology, right?

1143
00:52:29,855 --> 00:52:33,316
We still have to fucking pump out a kid
and hook it up to our fucking system.

1144
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:36,153
But men, you don't have to hunt
and kill and bring it back.

1145
00:52:36,236 --> 00:52:40,532
"No, I downloaded the Uber Eats app.
It took a minute to load, but I got it."

1146
00:52:41,783 --> 00:52:43,368
That's fucking insane, dude.

1147
00:52:43,451 --> 00:52:45,745
I looked this up.
I started getting obsessed with this.

1148
00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:48,039
"Why do women have to have
such a bad time giving birth?"

1149
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:50,500
It seems like
the one thing that should… [slurping]

1150
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:52,502
I started looking up other animals
who give birth.

1151
00:52:52,586 --> 00:52:54,546
I looked up "chimp"
because they look like us.

1152
00:52:54,629 --> 00:52:56,840
Bro, they're throwing elbows.
They're ripping, dude.

1153
00:52:56,923 --> 00:52:58,133
They're ripping like we rip.

1154
00:52:58,216 --> 00:52:59,801
I was expecting the video…

1155
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:01,970
I looked up "female chimp giving birth."

1156
00:53:02,053 --> 00:53:05,015
-[crowd laughing]
-You don't have to look up "female."

1157
00:53:05,098 --> 00:53:07,350
You can just type "chimp giving birth."

1158
00:53:07,434 --> 00:53:09,811
-[chuckles]
-[crowd continues laughing]

1159
00:53:09,895 --> 00:53:11,855
I didn't want to see a boy doing it.

1160
00:53:13,273 --> 00:53:16,693
-[chuckles]
-[crowd continues laughing and giggling]

1161
00:53:16,776 --> 00:53:18,445
That's stupid that I did that.

1162
00:53:18,528 --> 00:53:19,362
Um…

1163
00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:22,657
But I saw-- What I expected
the video to be was like…

1164
00:53:22,741 --> 00:53:26,411
was, you know… I expected it
to be, like, lady monkey on her back,

1165
00:53:26,494 --> 00:53:29,706
feet up, you know, with the thumb toes.

1166
00:53:29,789 --> 00:53:34,211
And maybe she's doing the breathing.
The… [mimics chimp vocalizing]

1167
00:53:36,046 --> 00:53:40,091
Her other lady friends are around her,
her monkey friends, smacking the ground,

1168
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:42,802
being like… [screeching]

1169
00:53:42,886 --> 00:53:44,387
[crowd laughing]

1170
00:53:45,430 --> 00:53:47,599
You know? Didn't you picture that?

1171
00:53:47,682 --> 00:53:49,726
That's not what it is.
The video, you can look it up.

1172
00:53:49,809 --> 00:53:53,772
It's a lady monkey just walking around,
just doing, like, monkey shit. She's like…

1173
00:53:55,523 --> 00:53:56,608
[crowd laughing]

1174
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:02,113
And then at one point,
she starts, like, poking at her pussy.

1175
00:54:02,906 --> 00:54:05,450
She's like… And then she just looks down.

1176
00:54:05,533 --> 00:54:08,536
She grabs the fucking baby's head,
rips it out,

1177
00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:11,289
puts it on the ground,
and it just gets up and gets a job.

1178
00:54:11,373 --> 00:54:13,917
It's just a whole monkey.
It's a whole fucking thing.

1179
00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:16,461
Like, "I'm gonna go get us food.
That was crazy. You did great."

1180
00:54:16,544 --> 00:54:18,088
"I'll get us pizza. I'll get pizza."

1181
00:54:18,171 --> 00:54:19,297
That's fucked-up.

1182
00:54:21,132 --> 00:54:22,634
I've thought about this a lot.

1183
00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:26,680
And my issue is women should not
have to be the more feminine gender.

1184
00:54:26,763 --> 00:54:29,849
We should-- We're more diesel.
We do a lot more, right?

1185
00:54:30,642 --> 00:54:33,061
If you try and pop a zit on a man's back…
[screeches]

1186
00:54:33,144 --> 00:54:36,356
If you pop a zit on our back,
we're like… [hoarsely] …"Lean into it."

1187
00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:40,568
And it's fucked me up
for a long time, right?

1188
00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:43,363
"Why do I have to do it?
Why do I have to pull my vagina hair out?"

1189
00:54:43,446 --> 00:54:45,115
"Why do I have to be hot?"

1190
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:46,199
And I've realized…

1191
00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:48,785
Because I used to be like,
"It's the patriarchy."

1192
00:54:48,868 --> 00:54:50,036
"It's women are dumb, right?"

1193
00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:52,497
I went through all these phases,
and I realized what it is,

1194
00:54:52,580 --> 00:54:57,335
is that in society, you want to have,
like, a unified sense of self.

1195
00:54:57,419 --> 00:54:59,671
And men, you guys naturally have that.

1196
00:54:59,754 --> 00:55:01,798
You wake up every day,
the same person, right?

1197
00:55:01,881 --> 00:55:04,843
You wake up, "Wallet in the back left,
keys in the front right…"

1198
00:55:04,926 --> 00:55:06,052
[crowd laughing]

1199
00:55:06,136 --> 00:55:07,721
I like that.

1200
00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:09,931
I do. I really do.

1201
00:55:10,015 --> 00:55:13,685
I wish that I was like that so much,
but we're not like that.

1202
00:55:13,768 --> 00:55:15,020
You know what I mean?

1203
00:55:15,103 --> 00:55:17,981
We have multiple people
living in us throughout the month.

1204
00:55:18,064 --> 00:55:20,900
We have many different creatures,
and we can't say that.

1205
00:55:20,984 --> 00:55:22,694
We can't be like,
"Will you love me forever?"

1206
00:55:22,777 --> 00:55:24,446
"I don't know who I'm gonna be tomorrow."

1207
00:55:24,529 --> 00:55:26,281
So instead we go, "No, look at the tits."

1208
00:55:26,364 --> 00:55:27,991
"See my fake tits? See my big tits?"

1209
00:55:28,074 --> 00:55:30,994
"Yeah, same person with the big tits."
Right?

1210
00:55:31,077 --> 00:55:35,206
Or we put makeup on, like we try
and create a cohesive sense of self.

1211
00:55:35,290 --> 00:55:36,166
We have like…

1212
00:55:36,249 --> 00:55:39,961
We have, like, four different creatures
that I've counted.

1213
00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:42,756
We have the premenstrual girl, okay?
Fat Beatrice.

1214
00:55:42,839 --> 00:55:44,966
I won't talk about her too long.
People do get weird.

1215
00:55:45,050 --> 00:55:47,510
But what I will say is,
when you're in PMS,

1216
00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:49,721
you don't know
what it's like to not be her, right?

1217
00:55:49,804 --> 00:55:52,599
And when you're out of it, you don't
remember what it's like to be in it,

1218
00:55:52,682 --> 00:55:55,310
which feels similar
to an acid trip, honestly.

1219
00:55:55,393 --> 00:55:58,688
When you're on acid and you're like,
"I'm always gonna be like this forever,"

1220
00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:01,566
then you get out of it, and you're like,
"Who the fuck was that demon?"

1221
00:56:01,649 --> 00:56:02,734
That's what it's like.

1222
00:56:02,817 --> 00:56:05,653
When men are like, "She be trippin',"
we literally do be trippin', okay?

1223
00:56:05,737 --> 00:56:08,073
We look in the mirror,
we don't recognize ourselves.

1224
00:56:08,156 --> 00:56:09,199
We see a big, fat…

1225
00:56:09,282 --> 00:56:13,370
"When did I become a waterbed
with a little frowny face drawn on it?"

1226
00:56:13,453 --> 00:56:15,663
It sucks, dude.
Then you're just praying the whole time.

1227
00:56:15,747 --> 00:56:18,124
"Please let me get out
of this hell vortex."

1228
00:56:18,208 --> 00:56:21,377
Then you finally get out of it.
"Please, the darkness is too dark."

1229
00:56:21,461 --> 00:56:22,379
"Let me bleed."

1230
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:24,464
Then you become a different creature.
That's not you.

1231
00:56:24,547 --> 00:56:26,007
That's Rasputin, dude.

1232
00:56:26,091 --> 00:56:26,925
She's fucked-up.

1233
00:56:27,008 --> 00:56:30,011
She's my favorite, honestly,
because she's fucking…

1234
00:56:30,095 --> 00:56:32,138
She's ravenous. She's, like, raw,

1235
00:56:32,222 --> 00:56:34,015
and she's dying from blood loss.

1236
00:56:34,099 --> 00:56:35,433
It's crazy.

1237
00:56:35,517 --> 00:56:37,477
I mean, there's women in this room
right now

1238
00:56:37,560 --> 00:56:41,272
that are pumping blood
out of their pussies right now.

1239
00:56:41,356 --> 00:56:42,816
They don't wanna be here.

1240
00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:44,818
They wanna be in a field,

1241
00:56:44,901 --> 00:56:47,028
taking down a deer,
sucking its blood for iron.

1242
00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:48,363
[crowd laughing]

1243
00:56:48,446 --> 00:56:50,365
They don't wanna be here.
But they agreed to go.

1244
00:56:50,448 --> 00:56:52,367
"I bought the tickets.
Why wouldn't I wanna go?"

1245
00:56:52,450 --> 00:56:54,327
"If I'm the same exact person,
why wouldn't I?"

1246
00:56:54,411 --> 00:56:55,620
[crowd laughing]

1247
00:56:58,748 --> 00:57:01,334
Maybe they went to the bathroom,
wiped and got blood down their arm.

1248
00:57:01,417 --> 00:57:02,252
We've all done that.

1249
00:57:02,335 --> 00:57:04,462
Wipe it off with toilet paper,
roll the toilet paper up,

1250
00:57:04,546 --> 00:57:06,172
make a bomboclat, right?

1251
00:57:07,132 --> 00:57:09,759
Tuck that between the labia,
walk out, and people are, "How are you?"

1252
00:57:09,843 --> 00:57:12,887
"I'm doing really well, actually.
No, I'm doing really well."

1253
00:57:13,388 --> 00:57:16,057
-"Love comedy. I love comedy."
-[crowd laughing]

1254
00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:17,100
"Love to laugh."

1255
00:57:17,183 --> 00:57:19,018
Every time you laugh,
your tampon is… [grunting]

1256
00:57:19,102 --> 00:57:20,645
…coming out a little bit more.

1257
00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:21,604
Brutal.

1258
00:57:23,064 --> 00:57:24,065
[Jordan scoffs]

1259
00:57:24,566 --> 00:57:25,400
That's weird.

1260
00:57:25,483 --> 00:57:28,111
Every time a woman leaves the bathroom,
bleeding out of her vagina,

1261
00:57:28,194 --> 00:57:30,280
she should walk out going,
"Blood in the hole!"

1262
00:57:30,363 --> 00:57:31,489
It should not be…

1263
00:57:32,991 --> 00:57:35,410
Then after you get your period,
that's my least favorite week.

1264
00:57:35,493 --> 00:57:37,162
It's the best week,
but it's the worst week,

1265
00:57:37,245 --> 00:57:39,998
because that's when you become the liar.
That's Gwen.

1266
00:57:40,081 --> 00:57:43,001
Gwen, after you get your period,
you lose all the water weight, right?

1267
00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:45,253
You feel hot. You start working out again.

1268
00:57:45,336 --> 00:57:48,339
You start making promises you can't keep.
"I'm never gonna be like that."

1269
00:57:48,423 --> 00:57:50,925
You lie to your boyfriend.
"I'm never gonna be like that again."

1270
00:57:51,009 --> 00:57:52,760
-"That was crazy."
-[crowd laughing]

1271
00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:54,929
[with vocal fry] "That was crazy."

1272
00:57:55,013 --> 00:57:57,682
"No, I'm not gonna send text messages
like that."

1273
00:57:57,765 --> 00:58:00,852
"I'm not gonna binge eat like that.
We're gonna have celery sticks."

1274
00:58:01,352 --> 00:58:03,313
And then like clockwork every month.

1275
00:58:03,396 --> 00:58:06,274
Wah! You're… [blabbering]

1276
00:58:06,357 --> 00:58:07,817
Giant bag of shredded cheese.

1277
00:58:07,901 --> 00:58:09,152
Naked, 4 a.m.

1278
00:58:09,819 --> 00:58:11,029
Fridge, wide open.

1279
00:58:11,112 --> 00:58:13,781
Getting shredded cheese
in your pubes. You don't care.

1280
00:58:13,865 --> 00:58:14,782
You don't care.

1281
00:58:15,575 --> 00:58:18,536
Judging your friend's save-the-dates.
You're like, "She's a whore. He's fat."

1282
00:58:18,620 --> 00:58:20,288
"Never gonna last."

1283
00:58:20,371 --> 00:58:21,539
"I'm not going."

1284
00:58:22,707 --> 00:58:25,168
Maybe there's, like, a couple days
where you feel like yourself,

1285
00:58:25,251 --> 00:58:27,795
but you can't get, you know,
attached to that version of you

1286
00:58:27,879 --> 00:58:30,298
because the darkness is always ascending.

1287
00:58:31,382 --> 00:58:32,842
And men, you guys are different.

1288
00:58:32,926 --> 00:58:36,054
You guys are, "I'm Brian every day."
And that's awesome.

1289
00:58:36,137 --> 00:58:37,263
[crowd laughing]

1290
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:40,558
I do respect that about you.
That's why I date you.

1291
00:58:40,642 --> 00:58:42,727
When women communicate,
the only things we talk about

1292
00:58:42,810 --> 00:58:45,647
are what fucked-up psychological tribe
we're trying to escape, right?

1293
00:58:45,730 --> 00:58:48,149
"Do you ever think I'll stop
being an anxiously attached EMTJ,

1294
00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:51,319
Mercury, Gemini, sourdough rising
or whatever the fuck?"

1295
00:58:52,237 --> 00:58:53,738
When you talk to men, they're like,

1296
00:58:53,821 --> 00:58:56,115
"Hey, you ever happen
to see a possum hustle?"

1297
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:58,243
[crowd laughing]

1298
00:58:58,326 --> 00:58:59,494
I'm like,

1299
00:58:59,994 --> 00:59:02,121
"No, dude. You looking at one?"

1300
00:59:02,205 --> 00:59:05,166
-"Yeah, these fuckers can go."
-[laughing continues]

1301
00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:06,167
That's great.

1302
00:59:06,251 --> 00:59:08,002
I love that. That's refreshing.

1303
00:59:08,086 --> 00:59:11,089
But you should like about us
that we're a multidimensional,

1304
00:59:11,172 --> 00:59:13,091
many-faceted creature, right?

1305
00:59:13,174 --> 00:59:15,260
Because I'm sick of my guy friends
who are like,

1306
00:59:15,343 --> 00:59:17,428
"I just want to find a chill girl
who's into anal."

1307
00:59:17,512 --> 00:59:19,472
I'm like, "Awesome, dude. You're gay."

1308
00:59:19,556 --> 00:59:21,891
-[crowd laughing]
-"Be gay, brother."

1309
00:59:22,809 --> 00:59:24,310
"You're a gay man."

1310
00:59:25,144 --> 00:59:26,187
And that's great.

1311
00:59:26,271 --> 00:59:29,983
But you're gonna have a bad time
if you try and find a chill woman.

1312
00:59:30,066 --> 00:59:31,859
We're not meant to be chill, bro.

1313
00:59:31,943 --> 00:59:35,321
The name of our gender is "whoa, man."
That's not an accident.

1314
00:59:36,990 --> 00:59:39,826
Somebody named us.
Somebody went, "That's a man."

1315
00:59:39,909 --> 00:59:42,537
-"And that's-- Oh, it's biting!"
-[crowd laughing]

1316
00:59:42,620 --> 00:59:44,622
-[chuckles]
-[laughing continues]

1317
00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:46,582
We're always in our heads.

1318
00:59:46,666 --> 00:59:48,501
We're always stuck
in this fucking hell cycle.

1319
00:59:48,585 --> 00:59:51,421
We're always thinking nine months ahead.
We always are future-tripping.

1320
00:59:51,504 --> 00:59:53,506
That's why we like getting choked out.

1321
00:59:54,424 --> 00:59:57,135
Haven't you wondered
why every other woman you fuck is like,

1322
00:59:57,218 --> 00:59:59,596
"Would you actually mind
killing me tonight?"

1323
01:00:00,888 --> 01:00:03,600
It's 'cause when you cut off
our passageway,

1324
01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:05,643
all of the neuroses shuts off,

1325
01:00:05,727 --> 01:00:09,564
and we're limited
to just basic survival thoughts.

1326
01:00:09,647 --> 01:00:12,066
[gruffly] Just live, breathe, don't die!

1327
01:00:12,150 --> 01:00:15,903
And we get to feel how it feels to think
like a man for two goddamn seconds!

1328
01:00:15,987 --> 01:00:18,239
All right, that's it.
I gotta go. Thank you.

1329
01:00:18,323 --> 01:00:20,992
-[crowd cheering, whooping]
-Thank you, guys.

1330
01:00:21,075 --> 01:00:22,452
-Thank you.
-[crowd whistling]

1331
01:00:22,535 --> 01:00:25,580
-["Superstition" by Music Band playing]
-I don't know what to do with my hands.

1332
01:00:25,663 --> 01:00:26,497
There you go.

1333
01:00:26,581 --> 01:00:28,541
Yes, yes, yes.

1334
01:00:29,334 --> 01:00:33,629
♪ I did a meditation reading
At the zodiac factory ♪

1335
01:00:33,713 --> 01:00:35,340
[crowd cheering, laughing]

1336
01:00:35,423 --> 01:00:39,552
♪ But I projected too hard
Had to send you in after me ♪

1337
01:00:41,512 --> 01:00:43,973
♪ And if the I Ching
Doesn't say the right thing ♪

1338
01:00:44,057 --> 01:00:46,851
♪ Baby, you're just gonna have
To wait and see ♪

1339
01:00:46,934 --> 01:00:50,605
♪ If you followed the steps
To fulfill the prophecy ♪

1340
01:00:50,688 --> 01:00:51,647
[music stops]

1341
01:00:51,731 --> 01:00:52,690
I lost… I lost…

1342
01:00:52,774 --> 01:00:53,900
So I've lost a bunch--

1343
01:00:53,983 --> 01:00:55,526
Hold on. [slurping]

1344
01:00:55,610 --> 01:00:56,694
Tip of the tongue.

1345
01:00:56,778 --> 01:00:57,737
I-- Okay.

1346
01:00:59,155 --> 01:01:02,283
[in high-pitched voice] I wanna go home.
Okay. [chuckles]

1347
01:01:02,367 --> 01:01:06,287
♪ But I hope the total eclipse
Charged it up with energy ♪

1348
01:01:08,081 --> 01:01:13,127
♪ I forgot my mantra but saged the clot
That blocked up my memory ♪

1349
01:01:14,045 --> 01:01:17,882
♪ So you should know I'm still smiling
Even if you can't picture me ♪

1350
01:01:19,008 --> 01:01:23,721
♪ You let your superstition
Get the best of you ♪

1351
01:01:25,473 --> 01:01:28,935
♪ Yeah, well, I can be superstitious too ♪

1352
01:01:34,065 --> 01:01:38,194
♪ Making it happen ♪

1353
01:01:39,779 --> 01:01:43,950
♪ Chaos magic ♪

1354
01:01:45,493 --> 01:01:49,622
♪ Superstition, ooh ♪

1355
01:01:51,582 --> 01:01:55,586
♪ Heady nations ♪

1356
01:01:57,171 --> 01:02:01,509
♪ Too much for you ♪

1357
01:02:03,094 --> 01:02:07,306
♪ Too long, didn't read ♪

1358
01:02:08,391 --> 01:02:12,854
♪ The tales the old wives
Told me to believe ♪

1359
01:02:14,689 --> 01:02:17,650
♪ Superstition ♪

1360
01:02:17,734 --> 01:02:20,403
♪ Superstition ♪

1361
01:02:20,486 --> 01:02:23,281
♪ Superstition ♪

1362
01:02:23,364 --> 01:02:26,075
♪ Make up your tradition ♪

1363
01:02:26,159 --> 01:02:28,995
♪ Superstition ♪

1364
01:02:29,078 --> 01:02:31,956
♪ Make up your tradition ♪

1365
01:02:32,039 --> 01:02:35,960
♪ Superstition, my ritual ♪

1366
01:02:37,420 --> 01:02:40,673
["Superstition" fades]
tual ♪