1 00:00:11,965 --> 00:00:14,565 If you're watching this, then I'm not around anymore. 2 00:00:14,645 --> 00:00:17,605 I couldn't say any of this to your face. It's too embarrassing. 3 00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:20,285 For you, not for me, obviously. 4 00:00:20,845 --> 00:00:23,085 You're never very good at hearing how lovely you are. 5 00:00:23,445 --> 00:00:24,405 But you are. 6 00:00:24,485 --> 00:00:25,725 You are. You're lovely. 7 00:00:26,925 --> 00:00:29,005 But you're absolutely fucking useless. [chuckling] 8 00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:32,885 So I thought I'd leave you a little guide to life without me. 9 00:00:33,965 --> 00:00:35,965 You've gotta turn the alarm off in the morning, yeah? 10 00:00:36,045 --> 00:00:37,565 If you open the door, it'll set it off, 11 00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:39,765 then the alarm company think we're getting broken into. 12 00:00:40,245 --> 00:00:42,405 If you do set it off, you've gotta ring 'em. 13 00:00:42,485 --> 00:00:46,325 The number's in your phone under "alarm." The alarm code is 8645. 14 00:00:46,765 --> 00:00:47,845 That's your PIN code. 15 00:00:48,485 --> 00:00:49,525 You know this. 16 00:00:50,005 --> 00:00:53,165 And... put it on "perimeter," otherwise the dog will set it off. 17 00:00:53,685 --> 00:00:55,845 And feed the dog, yeah? 18 00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:58,285 First thing in the morning and when you get in from work. 19 00:00:58,845 --> 00:01:00,165 -And what else? -[panting] 20 00:01:00,405 --> 00:01:02,405 Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings. 21 00:01:02,485 --> 00:01:03,965 Black bin is household waste, 22 00:01:04,045 --> 00:01:05,245 green bin is recy-- 23 00:01:06,245 --> 00:01:08,245 ["Lovely Day" by Bill Withers] 24 00:01:13,525 --> 00:01:14,605 [sighs] 25 00:01:26,725 --> 00:01:29,645 ♪ When I wake up in the morning, love ♪ 26 00:01:31,645 --> 00:01:34,405 ♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪ 27 00:01:36,605 --> 00:01:39,125 ♪ And something without warning, love ♪ 28 00:01:41,325 --> 00:01:43,605 ♪ Bears heavy on my mind ♪ 29 00:01:45,445 --> 00:01:47,245 ♪ Then I look at you ♪ 30 00:01:49,045 --> 00:01:51,845 ♪ And the world's all right with me ♪ 31 00:01:55,205 --> 00:01:56,725 ♪ Just one look at you ♪ 32 00:01:59,205 --> 00:02:00,725 ♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪ 33 00:02:04,085 --> 00:02:05,525 ♪ A lovely day ♪ 34 00:02:05,645 --> 00:02:09,805 ♪ Lovely day, lovely day Lovely day, lovely day ♪ 35 00:02:09,885 --> 00:02:12,405 -♪ Lovely day, lovely day... ♪ -[sighs] 36 00:02:12,485 --> 00:02:14,645 ♪ Lovely day, lovely day ♪ 37 00:02:14,725 --> 00:02:19,645 ♪ Lovely day, lovely day, Lovely day, lovely day ♪ 38 00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:24,205 ♪ Lovely day, lovely day, Lovely day, lovely day... ♪ 39 00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:28,005 [exhales] 40 00:02:36,325 --> 00:02:37,245 Where's your bowl? 41 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,525 There it is. 42 00:02:42,925 --> 00:02:44,325 Oh, fuck! 43 00:02:49,405 --> 00:02:51,205 -No dog food. -[whines] 44 00:02:52,285 --> 00:02:53,845 Baked beans or vegetable curry? 45 00:02:54,085 --> 00:02:54,925 [whines] 46 00:02:55,845 --> 00:02:56,805 Thought so. 47 00:02:57,925 --> 00:02:59,045 Oh, sorry. 48 00:02:59,925 --> 00:03:01,725 -I'll get you some real food later. -[whines] 49 00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:03,885 [food sloshes] 50 00:03:14,085 --> 00:03:15,165 Fuckin' hell. 51 00:03:17,285 --> 00:03:18,805 Vegetable curry for me then. 52 00:03:20,245 --> 00:03:21,085 Oh! 53 00:03:25,925 --> 00:03:26,765 [sighs] 54 00:03:32,405 --> 00:03:34,125 [telephone rings] 55 00:03:34,205 --> 00:03:35,125 [keyboard clicks] 56 00:03:36,405 --> 00:03:37,445 -Hello. -Hello. 57 00:03:37,525 --> 00:03:39,245 Um, I'm starting here today. 58 00:03:39,325 --> 00:03:41,045 I'm starting work here today. 59 00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:42,885 Okay. Do you have a name? 60 00:03:43,045 --> 00:03:44,685 Yes. Sandy. 61 00:03:45,045 --> 00:03:47,005 No, I mean, who are you meant to meet here? 62 00:03:47,605 --> 00:03:48,605 Who hired you? 63 00:03:48,685 --> 00:03:50,165 Oh. Mr. Braden. 64 00:04:07,245 --> 00:04:08,325 Come here. Good girl. 65 00:04:09,765 --> 00:04:11,405 Your dog should be on a lead. 66 00:04:11,765 --> 00:04:13,285 -What? -Dogs should be on a lead. 67 00:04:13,405 --> 00:04:15,485 Can't you read? The park's for everyone. 68 00:04:16,445 --> 00:04:17,525 Oh, right. Oh, sorry. 69 00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:18,965 Thank you. Come here, girl. 70 00:04:19,045 --> 00:04:20,445 Come here. [gasps] 71 00:04:21,005 --> 00:04:24,885 What?! He is not a fat, hairy, nosy cocksucker. 72 00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,205 Bad girl, Brandy. 73 00:04:26,285 --> 00:04:27,605 Sorry about that. 74 00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:29,405 -Disgusting. -See you later. 75 00:04:41,725 --> 00:04:42,965 [wistful music] 76 00:04:51,685 --> 00:04:52,725 Good girl. 77 00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:26,685 Right. 78 00:05:31,445 --> 00:05:32,765 I've gotta go to work. 79 00:05:33,445 --> 00:05:34,685 See you later. 80 00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:37,525 I'll bring you some food. 81 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,445 Good girl. Good girl. 82 00:05:39,525 --> 00:05:40,645 Good girl. 83 00:05:51,045 --> 00:05:52,005 Here you go. 84 00:05:52,245 --> 00:05:53,085 What? 85 00:05:53,845 --> 00:05:54,805 It's your post. 86 00:05:55,285 --> 00:05:56,325 Put it through the door. 87 00:05:56,925 --> 00:05:58,925 Well, you're here, so it saves me a trip. 88 00:06:00,045 --> 00:06:02,285 -I don't wanna walk with it, do I? -Why not? 89 00:06:03,285 --> 00:06:04,445 You're new, aren't you? 90 00:06:04,605 --> 00:06:05,605 Yeah, I was transferred-- 91 00:06:05,685 --> 00:06:06,925 No, I don't care. 92 00:06:07,205 --> 00:06:10,165 Presumably in your old round, you put things through the door, didn't you? 93 00:06:10,325 --> 00:06:11,845 Mate, there's no need to get lairy. 94 00:06:11,925 --> 00:06:14,005 -Why are you talking to me like this? -You gonna report me? 95 00:06:14,085 --> 00:06:15,565 Yeah. What's your name? 96 00:06:16,685 --> 00:06:17,525 You'll laugh. 97 00:06:17,605 --> 00:06:18,445 Trust me. 98 00:06:21,045 --> 00:06:21,885 It's Pat. 99 00:06:22,285 --> 00:06:23,165 Postman Pat? 100 00:06:23,245 --> 00:06:24,085 Yeah. 101 00:06:25,245 --> 00:06:26,525 Put it through the door. 102 00:06:36,005 --> 00:06:37,285 That was easy, wasn't it? 103 00:06:37,445 --> 00:06:39,245 -You could've done that. -No, I couldn't. 104 00:06:39,325 --> 00:06:40,565 -Why not? -I'm not a postman. 105 00:06:42,245 --> 00:06:43,085 Go on. 106 00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:53,565 Hi, George. 107 00:06:54,405 --> 00:06:55,325 Hi. 108 00:06:55,725 --> 00:06:56,685 Who's that? 109 00:06:56,925 --> 00:06:57,805 He's my uncle. 110 00:06:58,685 --> 00:06:59,805 [boy] Pedo! 111 00:07:00,205 --> 00:07:02,005 -What? -Pedo! 112 00:07:03,525 --> 00:07:04,685 I'm not a pedo. 113 00:07:04,765 --> 00:07:07,045 And if I was, you'd be safe, you tubby little ginger cunt. 114 00:07:07,125 --> 00:07:08,125 [mouthing] 115 00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:12,565 Welcome. 116 00:07:12,725 --> 00:07:13,725 Great to have you. 117 00:07:13,805 --> 00:07:16,325 I remember my first day, and it is exciting, isn't it? 118 00:07:16,405 --> 00:07:18,165 -Yeah. -Yeah. Great place to work, this. 119 00:07:18,245 --> 00:07:21,285 Very dynamic, lots of people in and out all the time. 120 00:07:21,365 --> 00:07:23,365 Really excellent bunch of people. 121 00:07:24,245 --> 00:07:25,165 Hard working. 122 00:07:25,885 --> 00:07:28,765 It's very rewarding as well. You get to go out into the community. 123 00:07:29,165 --> 00:07:32,605 And that can be anything from local stories, you know, 124 00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:35,765 um... entertainment, finance. 125 00:07:36,845 --> 00:07:37,885 So, yeah. 126 00:07:38,085 --> 00:07:39,445 Kath does the advertising. 127 00:07:39,765 --> 00:07:42,525 Be nice to her, and she might take you to the opening of a new restaurant, 128 00:07:42,605 --> 00:07:44,285 give you a free meal. [laughs] 129 00:07:44,365 --> 00:07:46,245 Lenny does all the photography, 130 00:07:46,325 --> 00:07:47,725 so if you're interested in that... 131 00:07:47,805 --> 00:07:49,925 Everyone chips in on everything, really. 132 00:07:50,005 --> 00:07:52,365 So what kind of thing are you interested in, would you say? 133 00:07:52,445 --> 00:07:53,965 Um, writing features. 134 00:07:54,045 --> 00:07:55,085 Perfect. That's great. 135 00:07:55,165 --> 00:07:56,525 You'll definitely do that here. 136 00:07:57,045 --> 00:07:59,045 Lots of features. Sky's the limit. 137 00:07:59,525 --> 00:08:00,365 Um... 138 00:08:01,005 --> 00:08:02,605 Tony's the head of features. 139 00:08:02,725 --> 00:08:03,605 He's not here. 140 00:08:04,325 --> 00:08:05,605 He's a very good writer. 141 00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:08,325 Very smart, very experienced, good guy. Um... 142 00:08:10,605 --> 00:08:12,885 He's not himself at the minute, to be honest. 143 00:08:13,245 --> 00:08:14,965 He's had a bit of bad news. Um... 144 00:08:15,925 --> 00:08:18,085 His, er... Tony's my brother-in-law. 145 00:08:18,485 --> 00:08:21,245 Um, he was married to my sister, Lisa, 146 00:08:22,045 --> 00:08:22,965 who died. 147 00:08:24,685 --> 00:08:25,565 Cancer. 148 00:08:27,405 --> 00:08:29,525 -[stuttering] Sorry. -Yeah. 149 00:08:30,005 --> 00:08:32,005 And he was obviously devastated. 150 00:08:33,005 --> 00:08:34,245 Er, suicidal. 151 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:36,605 Right. 152 00:08:37,925 --> 00:08:39,805 I should warn you, he might... 153 00:08:39,965 --> 00:08:41,965 say a few things that are a bit... 154 00:08:42,325 --> 00:08:43,245 er... 155 00:08:43,485 --> 00:08:44,325 brutal... 156 00:08:45,045 --> 00:08:48,205 at times, so, you know, don't take it personally. 157 00:08:48,965 --> 00:08:51,205 I mean, you will be working closely with him. 158 00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:53,405 Anyway, er... 159 00:08:53,685 --> 00:08:55,165 -have fun. -[laughs nervously] 160 00:08:56,845 --> 00:08:57,685 Thanks. 161 00:08:58,925 --> 00:08:59,805 So, how are you? 162 00:09:01,005 --> 00:09:01,925 Same. 163 00:09:02,725 --> 00:09:03,845 Bad then? 164 00:09:04,125 --> 00:09:06,165 I've honestly nothing to compare it to anymore. 165 00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:08,685 But I guess a good day 166 00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,565 is when I don't go around 167 00:09:10,645 --> 00:09:12,845 wanting to shoot random strangers in the face 168 00:09:12,925 --> 00:09:14,525 and then turn the gun on myself. 169 00:09:15,525 --> 00:09:16,445 [tuts] 170 00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,885 [laughs under breath] 171 00:09:21,045 --> 00:09:22,445 One of my clients 172 00:09:22,965 --> 00:09:25,565 fantasizes about killing his ex-wife... 173 00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,045 [whispering] ...when he's masturbating. 174 00:09:28,845 --> 00:09:31,205 -Why are you telling me that? -I didn't say his name. 175 00:09:31,325 --> 00:09:32,285 No, I know, but... 176 00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:33,765 how does that help me? 177 00:09:33,845 --> 00:09:34,925 [sighs deeply] 178 00:09:35,445 --> 00:09:36,565 I dunno. 179 00:09:37,485 --> 00:09:40,245 I guess to let you know you're not the only one. 180 00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:41,965 Only what? 181 00:09:42,045 --> 00:09:43,845 Well, the only mental case out there. 182 00:09:44,565 --> 00:09:45,845 I mean, you know... 183 00:09:47,245 --> 00:09:49,405 the only guy with mental problems. 184 00:09:49,925 --> 00:09:51,525 -I've got problems. -Go on. 185 00:09:51,605 --> 00:09:53,285 [scoffs] God, man, where do I start? 186 00:09:53,925 --> 00:09:56,045 Maybe start with me, as I'm paying, but... 187 00:10:00,005 --> 00:10:01,365 -Morning. -Morning. 188 00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:04,645 Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life. 189 00:10:05,445 --> 00:10:06,965 Hardly scarred for life. 190 00:10:07,205 --> 00:10:08,245 She's 93. 191 00:10:08,805 --> 00:10:11,525 If she lives to 100, she's only been scarred for seven percent of her life. 192 00:10:21,165 --> 00:10:22,165 [woman] You're late. 193 00:10:22,725 --> 00:10:23,605 You're boring. 194 00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:24,925 You're joking, aren't you? 195 00:10:25,005 --> 00:10:26,685 I wasn't, but go on. What have you got? 196 00:10:26,925 --> 00:10:28,245 It's distribution day. 197 00:10:28,325 --> 00:10:31,325 No, I mean, why would you think I was joking about you being boring? 198 00:10:31,405 --> 00:10:33,925 Have you got a... counterargument or... 199 00:10:35,485 --> 00:10:38,045 -Why do you let him get away with this? -I don't. [stuttering] 200 00:10:38,125 --> 00:10:39,685 Tony, come on. What's going on? 201 00:10:40,125 --> 00:10:42,365 Er, we're putting out a free local newspaper 202 00:10:42,445 --> 00:10:45,245 -that no one cares about. -No, that's... That's not true. 203 00:10:45,325 --> 00:10:47,085 And that's not what... Can you come in my office? 204 00:10:47,445 --> 00:10:48,285 [Tony] Sure. 205 00:10:48,365 --> 00:10:51,485 A lot of people rely on our paper. Not everyone's on Twitter, are they? 206 00:10:52,165 --> 00:10:53,445 Back to work, everyone. 207 00:10:55,965 --> 00:10:57,005 What do you want me to say? 208 00:10:57,085 --> 00:11:00,445 That I'm sorry, and I'll buck my ideas up? 'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point. 209 00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:03,205 Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues, 210 00:11:03,285 --> 00:11:05,485 -okay, since you lost Lisa. -Do you reckon... 211 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,165 my wife dying affected me a bit? 212 00:11:07,245 --> 00:11:10,045 Of course, and, you know, I get that. I even told Sandy about it. 213 00:11:10,285 --> 00:11:11,365 Who's Sandy? 214 00:11:11,565 --> 00:11:14,325 The new girl. I didn't want her thinking this place was a madhouse. 215 00:11:14,725 --> 00:11:16,285 I had to say something. 216 00:11:16,925 --> 00:11:19,485 Look, I just need a bit of professionalism around here, okay, Tony. 217 00:11:19,565 --> 00:11:20,485 -Please? -No. 218 00:11:20,565 --> 00:11:22,125 I shouldn't have to explain this to you. 219 00:11:22,205 --> 00:11:24,045 You can't just go around being rude to people. 220 00:11:24,125 --> 00:11:24,965 You can, though. 221 00:11:25,365 --> 00:11:26,605 That's the beauty of it. 222 00:11:27,045 --> 00:11:29,885 There's no advantage to being nice and thoughtful 223 00:11:29,965 --> 00:11:32,005 and caring and having integrity. 224 00:11:32,085 --> 00:11:33,925 It's a disadvantage, if anything. 225 00:11:34,005 --> 00:11:36,645 Let's see. If you carry on like this, I might have to let you go. 226 00:11:36,725 --> 00:11:37,605 No, you won't. 227 00:11:38,085 --> 00:11:40,645 You won't, that's what I'm saying, 'cause you're a nice bloke. 228 00:11:40,725 --> 00:11:44,045 So I'll take advantage of you, like everyone else does here. 229 00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:45,805 -You'll warn me. I'll ignore it. -What? 230 00:11:45,885 --> 00:11:47,725 You'll give me another warning. I'll ignore it. 231 00:11:47,805 --> 00:11:49,445 I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want. 232 00:11:49,525 --> 00:11:51,885 Eventually, you'll give up, and I'll win. 233 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,445 The girls here have discovered 234 00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:57,485 that you won't even question "women's problems." 235 00:11:57,565 --> 00:11:59,405 Kath's had three periods this month. 236 00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:01,685 She likes Fridays off. You do nothing. 237 00:12:01,765 --> 00:12:04,165 She gets away with it 'cause she's an arsehole. 238 00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:06,685 So, I thought, right, let's have a bit of that. 239 00:12:06,765 --> 00:12:07,845 Why would you wanna do that? 240 00:12:07,925 --> 00:12:10,205 Why wouldn't you just rather get better and be happy? 241 00:12:10,285 --> 00:12:12,365 There's only one thing that'd make me better and happy, 242 00:12:12,445 --> 00:12:14,965 and that's Lisa being around, and that can't happen. 243 00:12:15,045 --> 00:12:17,805 So that's why I nearly killed myself straight away. 244 00:12:17,885 --> 00:12:20,485 Right, okay, but you didn't kill yourself, did you? 245 00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:23,685 So, clearly, you know, something made you stop. 246 00:12:23,765 --> 00:12:25,125 The look on the dog's face. 247 00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,085 She was hungry, so I thought I'd better feed her. 248 00:12:28,405 --> 00:12:29,845 It gave me time to think, 249 00:12:29,925 --> 00:12:31,165 "I should be dead now." 250 00:12:31,245 --> 00:12:32,165 I didn't care. 251 00:12:32,325 --> 00:12:33,685 So, everything's a bonus. 252 00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:36,205 If I become an arsehole, 253 00:12:36,285 --> 00:12:39,005 and I do and say what the fuck I want 254 00:12:39,085 --> 00:12:40,445 for as long as I want, 255 00:12:40,525 --> 00:12:42,045 and then when it all gets too much, 256 00:12:42,125 --> 00:12:43,445 I can always kill myself. 257 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:44,965 It's like a superpower. 258 00:12:45,205 --> 00:12:47,605 That's the worst superhero I've ever heard of. 259 00:12:48,405 --> 00:12:49,685 That's the way it is now. 260 00:12:49,765 --> 00:12:50,845 [Braden] So what? So... 261 00:12:50,925 --> 00:12:51,805 [sighs] 262 00:12:52,245 --> 00:12:55,845 My job now is to make you happy before you kill yourself? 263 00:12:55,925 --> 00:12:58,605 That's like a constant ticking clock for me now, is it? 264 00:12:58,685 --> 00:12:59,725 If you like. 265 00:12:59,805 --> 00:13:01,085 Well, I don't like. 266 00:13:01,165 --> 00:13:03,205 Anyway, that's the way it is. 267 00:13:03,645 --> 00:13:05,565 [Braden] Okay, well, I'm glad we had this chat. 268 00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:07,085 [Tony] Yeah, very constructive. 269 00:13:08,725 --> 00:13:09,845 All right, um... 270 00:13:10,645 --> 00:13:12,645 So this is... This is Sandy. 271 00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:16,165 She's just started today. It's her first day, um, so, Tony, 272 00:13:16,245 --> 00:13:18,125 she's gonna be working under you. If you could... 273 00:13:18,205 --> 00:13:20,085 show her the ropes, tell her what's what. 274 00:13:21,645 --> 00:13:23,325 Here's what's what. Um... 275 00:13:23,725 --> 00:13:25,165 humanity is a plague. 276 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:29,165 We're a disgusting, narcissistic, selfish parasite, 277 00:13:29,445 --> 00:13:31,525 and the world would be a better place without us. 278 00:13:31,605 --> 00:13:33,805 It should be everyone's moral duty to kill themselves. 279 00:13:33,885 --> 00:13:36,445 I could do it now. Quite happily just go upstairs, 280 00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:37,765 jump off the roof, 281 00:13:37,845 --> 00:13:40,325 and make sure I landed on some cunt from Accounts. 282 00:13:41,005 --> 00:13:43,965 That the sort of thing... you meant? 283 00:13:44,685 --> 00:13:45,685 No. 284 00:13:46,605 --> 00:13:47,965 Just, um... ignore that. 285 00:13:48,045 --> 00:13:50,765 Um, Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes? 286 00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:51,845 Sure thing. 287 00:13:51,925 --> 00:13:53,725 [Braden] Gotta get the papers out. Thank you. 288 00:13:53,805 --> 00:13:56,045 -[Tony] You showing her the ropes? -[Lenny] Big-time. 289 00:13:56,165 --> 00:13:57,405 Can I guess the bullet points? 290 00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:00,005 Get in. 291 00:14:00,685 --> 00:14:02,045 Eat in front of the computer. 292 00:14:02,285 --> 00:14:04,485 Go to the pub. Eat in front of the quiz machine. 293 00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:05,725 Go home. 294 00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:07,125 Eat in front of the telly. 295 00:14:07,445 --> 00:14:09,205 Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed? 296 00:14:09,605 --> 00:14:11,565 I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah. 297 00:14:15,805 --> 00:14:17,245 [sighs] I've gotta go. 298 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,045 Want me to bring you more doughnuts, fat boy? 299 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,125 Yes, please. 300 00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:28,205 Do you mind him talking to you like that? 301 00:14:28,525 --> 00:14:29,485 Nah, he's a mate. 302 00:14:30,005 --> 00:14:31,205 It distracts him. 303 00:14:32,445 --> 00:14:34,845 You don't take any shit off him, all right? 304 00:14:35,205 --> 00:14:37,805 I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him. 305 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:39,925 -[Braden] Er, Julian? -[Julian] Yeah. 306 00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:41,765 [Braden] Um, we've had a couple of calls from people 307 00:14:41,845 --> 00:14:44,405 saying that their building didn't get any papers delivered. 308 00:14:44,485 --> 00:14:45,525 [Julian] Ah. 309 00:14:45,605 --> 00:14:47,765 Okay, look, that's weird 'cause I definitely 310 00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:48,965 delivered them all. 311 00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:52,965 You know you've got to ring a buzzer to get into the actual building? 312 00:14:53,045 --> 00:14:54,365 You can't leave them outside. 313 00:14:54,445 --> 00:14:57,045 A lot of the old people can't get up and down the stairs or go out. 314 00:14:57,285 --> 00:15:00,405 Yeah, I know that, boss. I will be extra careful with these. 315 00:15:01,765 --> 00:15:02,605 Okay. 316 00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:05,525 [clears throat] Um, can I get paid now? 317 00:15:08,885 --> 00:15:10,325 You will do a good job, won't you? 318 00:15:10,405 --> 00:15:11,845 You can trust me, yeah. 319 00:15:12,805 --> 00:15:14,485 -[Braden] Thirty-five pounds, right? -Yeah. 320 00:15:15,005 --> 00:15:15,885 [Braden] All right. 321 00:15:15,965 --> 00:15:16,925 Okay. 322 00:15:26,245 --> 00:15:27,325 Hot date? 323 00:15:29,565 --> 00:15:30,445 Sorry, what? 324 00:15:30,925 --> 00:15:32,005 Just saw you washing 325 00:15:32,325 --> 00:15:34,085 in a puddle from a drain, 326 00:15:34,165 --> 00:15:36,245 and I wondered if it was a special occasion. 327 00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:37,805 Not really, no. 328 00:15:38,965 --> 00:15:42,085 Gonna buy drugs with that and dump the papers in the skip? 329 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,685 Well, I should probably dump them first, then buy the drugs. 330 00:15:46,765 --> 00:15:48,765 I'll forget otherwise, won't I? 331 00:16:19,365 --> 00:16:20,525 Where's Lisa? 332 00:16:23,245 --> 00:16:24,445 She's dead, Dad. 333 00:16:25,365 --> 00:16:26,325 Remember? 334 00:16:27,125 --> 00:16:28,485 She died earlier this year. 335 00:16:29,925 --> 00:16:31,525 She was here this morning. 336 00:16:32,605 --> 00:16:33,805 No, she wasn't. 337 00:16:35,965 --> 00:16:36,805 [nurse] Hi. 338 00:16:37,525 --> 00:16:38,365 Hi. 339 00:16:39,325 --> 00:16:40,485 [nurse] Right. 340 00:16:42,205 --> 00:16:44,205 Let's get you sorted, Ray, eh? 341 00:16:46,925 --> 00:16:48,805 If it was a dog, you'd put it down. 342 00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:50,805 It? 343 00:16:51,365 --> 00:16:53,045 I was sort of being nice, that... 344 00:16:54,365 --> 00:16:55,645 I feel sorry for him. 345 00:16:58,925 --> 00:17:00,925 Well, don't you ever feel sorry for them? 346 00:17:02,205 --> 00:17:03,605 I worry when they cry. 347 00:17:05,685 --> 00:17:08,725 We say there's nothing going on inside to make ourselves feel better, 348 00:17:08,805 --> 00:17:10,765 but there's definitely something going on. 349 00:17:11,245 --> 00:17:12,085 Eh? 350 00:17:15,925 --> 00:17:17,005 You married? 351 00:17:18,925 --> 00:17:20,365 No time for that. [chuckles] 352 00:17:21,445 --> 00:17:23,005 I'll give you a good seeing to. 353 00:17:23,445 --> 00:17:24,365 I'm sorry. 354 00:17:24,805 --> 00:17:25,725 It's all right. 355 00:17:27,525 --> 00:17:29,165 Never heard any complaints. 356 00:17:30,325 --> 00:17:31,725 Kept the wife happy. 357 00:17:36,325 --> 00:17:37,685 I've gotta go. 358 00:17:40,245 --> 00:17:41,165 See you later. 359 00:17:41,525 --> 00:17:42,485 See you, Dad. 360 00:17:43,805 --> 00:17:45,125 Bring Lisa with you. 361 00:17:45,485 --> 00:17:46,525 [Tony] Fuck me! 362 00:17:46,925 --> 00:17:48,085 Yeah, all right. 363 00:17:48,165 --> 00:17:49,525 Jesus Christ! 364 00:17:51,485 --> 00:17:52,325 [Tony] Good girl. 365 00:17:53,725 --> 00:17:55,005 [sighs wearily] 366 00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:00,765 Oh, fuckin' hell. 367 00:18:03,765 --> 00:18:04,765 No bowls. 368 00:18:04,965 --> 00:18:06,645 Fuck's sake. 369 00:18:06,725 --> 00:18:07,885 [sighs] 370 00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:21,565 [packet thuds] 371 00:18:23,565 --> 00:18:26,205 Of course! No fuckin' milk! 372 00:18:48,645 --> 00:18:50,085 [Lisa] Don't wallow, eh? 373 00:18:50,165 --> 00:18:51,365 Stay active. 374 00:18:52,045 --> 00:18:53,725 And keep our house tidy. 375 00:18:54,085 --> 00:18:55,165 Our lovely house. 376 00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:58,925 And don't get drunk all the time, all right? 377 00:18:59,325 --> 00:19:01,565 'Cause it'll only make you feel worse in the long run. 378 00:19:02,125 --> 00:19:03,205 I'm not a doctor, 379 00:19:03,285 --> 00:19:05,685 but I have spoken to loads of 'em over the last few months, 380 00:19:05,765 --> 00:19:09,845 and they all reckon it's not ideal to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump. 381 00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:14,085 If you put the dishes straight in the dishwasher, 382 00:19:14,165 --> 00:19:15,085 it don't build up. 383 00:19:15,645 --> 00:19:17,605 And change the salt every now and then. 384 00:19:17,685 --> 00:19:18,965 The salt's in the garage. 385 00:19:19,445 --> 00:19:22,125 The garage is that massive thing on the side of the house. 386 00:19:23,965 --> 00:19:24,845 [doorbell rings] 387 00:19:26,925 --> 00:19:27,885 [sighs] 388 00:19:28,765 --> 00:19:30,765 [under breath] Oh, fuck's sake. 389 00:19:32,325 --> 00:19:33,525 You all right, yeah? 390 00:19:34,125 --> 00:19:35,325 I was worried about you. 391 00:19:35,765 --> 00:19:37,525 -Why? -What do you mean, "why"? 392 00:19:37,645 --> 00:19:39,365 You're always talking about killing yourself. 393 00:19:40,165 --> 00:19:42,645 Also, you should be at work, but you know I'll let that slide. 394 00:19:42,725 --> 00:19:43,565 [scoffs] 395 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,565 Come to the pub. Me and Len are going for lunch. 396 00:19:45,645 --> 00:19:46,885 No, I've had lunch. 397 00:19:46,965 --> 00:19:47,805 Come on. 398 00:19:48,085 --> 00:19:49,765 -We used to go to the pub all the time. -No! 399 00:19:49,845 --> 00:19:52,285 Someone will make me angry, and that's the day ruined. 400 00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,405 Yeah, I'll take that chance, Bruce Banner. 401 00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,085 It'll do you good. 402 00:19:56,365 --> 00:19:58,565 Come on, please. All journalists go to the pub for lunch. 403 00:19:58,645 --> 00:19:59,805 We're not journalists. 404 00:19:59,885 --> 00:20:01,805 We are journalists. We work for a newspaper. 405 00:20:02,165 --> 00:20:05,205 Yeah, and that newspaper is used to line cat litter trays 406 00:20:05,285 --> 00:20:07,005 by old ladies, once a week. 407 00:20:07,565 --> 00:20:09,085 And they read it before they do that. 408 00:20:09,165 --> 00:20:10,405 -We're not journalists. -We are. 409 00:20:10,485 --> 00:20:11,845 -We're journalists. -No, we're not. 410 00:20:11,925 --> 00:20:12,925 -Yes, we are. -Not. 411 00:20:13,005 --> 00:20:14,365 -Stop saying that. We are. -Not. 412 00:20:14,445 --> 00:20:15,885 -Fuckin' hell! -[loud crunching] 413 00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:17,165 Can you hear that? 414 00:20:17,765 --> 00:20:21,685 Fuckin' fat cunt eating like a fuckin' slug. 415 00:20:22,645 --> 00:20:25,165 -Doing my fuckin' head in. -[Braden] All right. 416 00:20:25,565 --> 00:20:27,245 Why don't you throw yourself into your work? 417 00:20:27,325 --> 00:20:29,085 -I can't concentrate with that... -[crunching] 418 00:20:29,165 --> 00:20:31,085 -Fuckin' hell! -[Braden] They're crisps. They're crunchy. 419 00:20:31,165 --> 00:20:33,525 Yeah, but why does he have to do all that "mm mmm"? 420 00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:37,325 Well, this is fun. 421 00:20:37,405 --> 00:20:38,325 Told you. 422 00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,565 You told me? Great. 423 00:20:40,685 --> 00:20:41,805 Always someone who spoils it. 424 00:20:41,885 --> 00:20:43,885 And do you think that might be you on this occasion? 425 00:20:43,965 --> 00:20:45,085 -No. -[loud crunching] 426 00:20:45,165 --> 00:20:47,805 -[Tony sighs] -Look, just ignore him, okay? 427 00:20:47,885 --> 00:20:50,365 As I was saying, why don't you throw yourself into your work? 428 00:20:50,445 --> 00:20:51,845 That's what depressed people do. 429 00:20:51,925 --> 00:20:52,805 Sometimes. 430 00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:55,565 It's hard for me to throw myself into my work, when my work 431 00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:58,365 is often talking to a plumber on the estate 432 00:20:58,445 --> 00:21:00,965 who's grown a potato that looks like Lionel Richie. 433 00:21:01,045 --> 00:21:02,285 That made the front cover. 434 00:21:02,365 --> 00:21:03,525 It did look like him, though. 435 00:21:03,605 --> 00:21:04,765 Actually, this is a good time. 436 00:21:04,845 --> 00:21:06,525 We've got some exciting leads at the moment. 437 00:21:06,605 --> 00:21:07,725 -Leads? -Yeah. 438 00:21:07,805 --> 00:21:09,445 Like we're Woodward and Bernstein? 439 00:21:09,525 --> 00:21:10,925 -They are leads. -Go on. What leads? 440 00:21:11,005 --> 00:21:12,645 -What "leads" do we have? -All right. 441 00:21:12,725 --> 00:21:14,605 A woman called us. When she drags her dustbin, 442 00:21:14,685 --> 00:21:16,045 it sounds like Chewbacca. 443 00:21:18,565 --> 00:21:20,245 -No. -No? All right. Um... 444 00:21:20,325 --> 00:21:22,285 Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese. 445 00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,485 And she wasn't before. 446 00:21:26,405 --> 00:21:27,645 No, I get the angle. 447 00:21:27,725 --> 00:21:31,045 Man who got sent the same birthday card five times. 448 00:21:31,125 --> 00:21:32,325 -Really? -[Tony] Really? 449 00:21:32,405 --> 00:21:34,685 -[Braden] Yeah. -Right, let's get to the bottom of that 450 00:21:34,765 --> 00:21:35,885 ASAP. 451 00:21:36,925 --> 00:21:38,365 [Braden] Well, yes. Why don't you? 452 00:21:38,605 --> 00:21:39,885 'Cause that is your job. 453 00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,045 -I know. -Yeah. 454 00:21:48,045 --> 00:21:49,325 [Tony] Ring the doorbell. 455 00:21:50,245 --> 00:21:51,645 [doorbell rings] 456 00:21:53,765 --> 00:21:55,085 You... You disgusting-- 457 00:21:55,165 --> 00:21:56,805 [Lenny] I didn't wanna do it in his house. 458 00:21:56,885 --> 00:21:58,645 Go to the doctor. You've got bowel cancer. 459 00:21:58,765 --> 00:22:00,165 -Hello. -Don't come out. This fat cunt's 460 00:22:00,245 --> 00:22:01,725 -shat himself. -Are you from the paper? 461 00:22:01,805 --> 00:22:03,125 Yeah. Leave him there for a while. 462 00:22:03,205 --> 00:22:04,445 You fuckin' pig. 463 00:22:07,245 --> 00:22:08,525 [camera clicks] 464 00:22:10,645 --> 00:22:12,245 [man] When I got the first one, I thought, 465 00:22:12,485 --> 00:22:14,405 "That's a nice card." 466 00:22:14,845 --> 00:22:18,405 And then I got the second, and I thought, "Oh, that's funny. Two the same!" [laughs] 467 00:22:18,725 --> 00:22:20,965 [chuckling] But then when I got the third, 468 00:22:21,405 --> 00:22:23,525 I thought, "Well, what are the chances of that?" 469 00:22:23,605 --> 00:22:24,805 Astronomical. 470 00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:25,845 And then the fourth... 471 00:22:26,685 --> 00:22:27,525 Wow! 472 00:22:27,885 --> 00:22:28,845 [whispers] Wow. 473 00:22:28,925 --> 00:22:30,845 [man] But then, five... I mean, 474 00:22:30,925 --> 00:22:32,885 I bet that's never happened before. 475 00:22:32,965 --> 00:22:34,685 Not on record anyway. 476 00:22:35,245 --> 00:22:37,885 -[man] Are you taking notes? -Yeah, all in there. 477 00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:41,685 Is this going to be in next week's newspaper? 478 00:22:42,085 --> 00:22:43,845 Yeah, we'll rush this through. 479 00:22:43,925 --> 00:22:44,805 Quite a scoop. 480 00:22:44,885 --> 00:22:47,805 Oh, my Denise would be tickled by this. 481 00:22:47,885 --> 00:22:49,045 That's my wife. 482 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:51,205 She passed away last year. 483 00:22:52,445 --> 00:22:53,525 Light of my life. 484 00:22:54,405 --> 00:22:55,285 Anything that happens, 485 00:22:55,365 --> 00:22:56,965 I go to tell her. 486 00:22:57,045 --> 00:22:58,365 Then I remember. 487 00:22:59,285 --> 00:23:01,325 Nothing's as good if you don't share it. 488 00:23:02,605 --> 00:23:04,325 Still have my downs, 489 00:23:04,405 --> 00:23:08,405 but then life throws you these interesting little things, doesn't it? 490 00:23:08,885 --> 00:23:10,605 You can't feel sorry for yourself. 491 00:23:11,285 --> 00:23:12,485 Got to keep going. 492 00:23:14,725 --> 00:23:15,765 Happy birthday. 493 00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:18,285 Oh. Thanks. 494 00:23:22,685 --> 00:23:24,365 [Tony, under breath] Fuck's sake. 495 00:23:29,605 --> 00:23:32,285 Excuse me. Where's the dog food? 496 00:23:32,565 --> 00:23:33,965 It's by the cat food. 497 00:23:34,325 --> 00:23:35,565 [Tony] Right, well... 498 00:23:35,765 --> 00:23:37,365 I've got another question then. 499 00:23:37,525 --> 00:23:38,725 Where's the cat food? 500 00:23:39,165 --> 00:23:41,125 Tinned products, aisle two. 501 00:23:41,805 --> 00:23:43,525 Cheers. Don't get up. 502 00:23:44,165 --> 00:23:45,045 Okay. 503 00:23:48,205 --> 00:23:49,685 -[cashier] That everything? -Yeah. 504 00:23:49,925 --> 00:23:51,285 -Oh. -[scanner beeps] 505 00:23:56,045 --> 00:23:57,205 [footsteps] 506 00:24:01,325 --> 00:24:03,325 [menacing music] 507 00:24:06,005 --> 00:24:08,125 [man] All right, mate. You got any money? 508 00:24:09,005 --> 00:24:09,845 [Tony sighs] 509 00:24:11,325 --> 00:24:12,565 -Yeah. -What? 510 00:24:15,525 --> 00:24:17,085 Yes, I've got money. 511 00:24:18,005 --> 00:24:19,125 Give it to me then. 512 00:24:25,325 --> 00:24:28,045 -Why? -I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't. 513 00:24:30,285 --> 00:24:31,725 Does that usually work, does it? 514 00:24:32,165 --> 00:24:33,485 To most people, 515 00:24:33,565 --> 00:24:36,885 the threat of death is worse than giving you money, 516 00:24:37,645 --> 00:24:38,565 but... 517 00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:40,685 Or they're worried you'll hurt their family or... 518 00:24:40,965 --> 00:24:42,245 I haven't got any family. 519 00:24:42,805 --> 00:24:45,685 So, I'm not gonna go into it, but I don't care about anything anymore. 520 00:24:45,765 --> 00:24:46,885 I'm not giving you any money. 521 00:24:47,285 --> 00:24:48,325 Are you mental? 522 00:24:48,405 --> 00:24:51,605 No, I'm just tired of doing things I don't wanna do, 523 00:24:51,685 --> 00:24:52,965 and we always have a choice. 524 00:24:53,045 --> 00:24:54,445 And if I've read this right, 525 00:24:54,925 --> 00:24:55,965 my choice 526 00:24:56,205 --> 00:24:57,285 is either violence 527 00:24:57,765 --> 00:24:59,925 or hand over my money peacefully... 528 00:25:01,085 --> 00:25:02,765 to two useless little cunts. 529 00:25:03,445 --> 00:25:04,725 -Are you mad? [grunts] -[Tony] No. 530 00:25:05,085 --> 00:25:07,205 -Fuck off! Okay? -[man groans] 531 00:25:09,005 --> 00:25:10,885 Just... fuck off. 532 00:25:11,365 --> 00:25:12,205 [man coughs] 533 00:25:16,565 --> 00:25:18,405 [man coughing] 534 00:25:20,125 --> 00:25:20,965 [door closes] 535 00:25:38,005 --> 00:25:39,925 [can opening] 536 00:25:45,605 --> 00:25:46,725 There you go. 537 00:25:46,925 --> 00:25:48,485 [Lisa] It's no one's fault what's happened. 538 00:25:48,565 --> 00:25:49,925 Don't go blaming the world. 539 00:25:50,245 --> 00:25:52,885 You know how grumpy you get when things don't go your way. 540 00:25:53,325 --> 00:25:55,005 But you've got such a good heart. 541 00:25:55,605 --> 00:25:58,045 You're born like it. You can't contrive it. You're just decent. 542 00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:01,565 I knew it, first time I met you. 543 00:26:02,285 --> 00:26:03,885 Hit me like a bolt of lightning. 544 00:26:05,005 --> 00:26:05,845 [sighs] 545 00:26:07,365 --> 00:26:09,045 And I've loved you ever since. 546 00:26:10,085 --> 00:26:11,445 [sighs] You fat twat! 547 00:26:13,165 --> 00:26:15,845 [keyboard clicking] 548 00:26:25,085 --> 00:26:27,165 -[air horn honks] -[screaming] 549 00:26:27,245 --> 00:26:28,365 [Tony laughing] 550 00:26:28,445 --> 00:26:31,565 Oh, it's Sunday, you cunt! 551 00:26:31,645 --> 00:26:34,165 [Tony, cackling] You're not a real vicar, I can tell. 552 00:26:34,245 --> 00:26:35,885 [Lisa] Oh, Tony! 553 00:26:35,965 --> 00:26:36,805 [Tony] Ah! 554 00:26:36,885 --> 00:26:38,325 [Lisa, screaming] Oh my God! 555 00:26:38,405 --> 00:26:39,965 -[Tony] What? -Why'd you do this to me? 556 00:26:40,045 --> 00:26:42,005 [Tony] It's good for you. It gets your heart going. 557 00:26:42,085 --> 00:26:44,685 -It gets your metabolism up. -No! You... [shouts] 558 00:26:45,005 --> 00:26:47,165 -[air horn honks] -[Lisa squeals and laughs] 559 00:26:47,245 --> 00:26:48,885 [Tony laughing] 560 00:26:49,925 --> 00:26:53,845 ♪ Satellite's gone up to the skies ♪ 561 00:26:57,885 --> 00:27:01,685 ♪ Things like that Drive me out of my mind ♪ 562 00:27:05,485 --> 00:27:08,205 ♪ I watched it for a little while ♪ 563 00:27:09,125 --> 00:27:11,725 ♪ I like to watch things on TV ♪ 564 00:27:16,165 --> 00:27:18,765 ♪ Satellite of love ♪ 565 00:27:20,085 --> 00:27:22,445 ♪ Satellite of love ♪ 566 00:27:24,125 --> 00:27:26,325 ♪ Satellite of love ♪ 567 00:27:26,645 --> 00:27:31,365 ♪ Sat-ell-ite of... ♪