1 00:00:14,205 --> 00:00:16,525 When did you... first notice it? 2 00:00:17,045 --> 00:00:19,245 Ah, well, the pipe started leaking 3 00:00:19,325 --> 00:00:21,405 and the wallpaper started to get wet, 4 00:00:21,485 --> 00:00:23,005 and then it started to form this image. 5 00:00:25,405 --> 00:00:27,045 And when did you think, "Oh... 6 00:00:27,325 --> 00:00:29,125 that looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh"? 7 00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:33,405 Oh, well, it was when the shading started to form around this bit here. 8 00:00:33,485 --> 00:00:35,245 And, well, it's got his mouth, hasn't it? 9 00:00:36,125 --> 00:00:37,725 -Just a line. -[man] Yeah. 10 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,805 It's amazing, innit? Makes you think. 11 00:00:40,565 --> 00:00:41,405 Yeah. 12 00:00:42,045 --> 00:00:42,885 Er... 13 00:00:43,885 --> 00:00:45,045 -Take a picture. -[Lenny] Yeah. 14 00:00:46,445 --> 00:00:47,365 [Lenny] There you go. 15 00:00:47,445 --> 00:00:48,805 [man] Er... Okay? 16 00:00:49,245 --> 00:00:50,405 -Yeah. -[camera clicks] 17 00:00:50,485 --> 00:00:52,445 -This'll cheer the wife up no end. -[Tony] Will it? 18 00:00:52,525 --> 00:00:54,285 -[man] Been a bit down lately. -Aw! 19 00:00:54,365 --> 00:00:57,045 -Got hit in the head with a hammer. -She got hit in the head with a hammer? 20 00:00:57,125 --> 00:01:00,885 Two blokes on a moped grabbed her handbag, hit her on the head and she let go. 21 00:01:00,965 --> 00:01:04,125 And the police don't like to chase 'em because the kids take their helmets off, 22 00:01:04,205 --> 00:01:07,565 and then it's dangerous, and the police might get sued, so... 23 00:01:08,085 --> 00:01:09,565 -PC gone mad, innit? -[camera clicks] 24 00:01:10,045 --> 00:01:10,885 Yep. 25 00:01:16,405 --> 00:01:20,205 So... his wife gets mugged by a motorcycle gang, 26 00:01:21,125 --> 00:01:22,485 hit in the head with a hammer, 27 00:01:22,565 --> 00:01:26,325 he goes home, sees a stain that looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh, 28 00:01:26,645 --> 00:01:29,005 and that's what he calls the local paper about. 29 00:01:29,885 --> 00:01:32,085 Also, any stain looks like Kenneth Branagh. 30 00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:34,285 He's got no distinguishing features. 31 00:01:34,365 --> 00:01:36,365 You couldn't do a caricature of him 32 00:01:36,445 --> 00:01:39,125 'cause there's no features to exaggerate. 33 00:01:39,205 --> 00:01:43,285 He's just got a face: a vague, beige face. 34 00:01:43,365 --> 00:01:45,445 If I was him, I'd wear glasses, 35 00:01:45,525 --> 00:01:46,605 big, red glasses. 36 00:01:46,685 --> 00:01:48,445 So when people said, "Who's Kenneth Branagh?" 37 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,005 "You know, big, red glasses." 38 00:01:50,085 --> 00:01:51,205 "Oh!" 39 00:01:51,285 --> 00:01:53,845 I think he's quite handsome. I'd love to look like Kenneth Branagh. 40 00:01:53,925 --> 00:01:56,645 Course you would. 'Cause you look like fuckin' Shrek. 41 00:01:57,125 --> 00:01:59,885 Be an upgrade for you. At least you'd be human, then. 42 00:02:00,365 --> 00:02:01,405 Birds love it. 43 00:02:01,485 --> 00:02:04,685 Talking of birds, I went on a date with the fat kid's mum the other night. 44 00:02:04,765 --> 00:02:06,405 I'll see you back at the office. 45 00:02:08,285 --> 00:02:11,685 [woman] It's about 40 quid, and then, you know... What you gonna... 46 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,885 -[Tony] Where's my money? -Okay, calm down. 47 00:02:14,365 --> 00:02:16,685 -Who the fuck are you? -I'll be whoever you want me to be. 48 00:02:16,885 --> 00:02:18,805 You spent my 60 quid on a prostitute? 49 00:02:18,885 --> 00:02:21,565 -No, she's a friend of mine. -I'm not gonna charge him 60 quid, am I? 50 00:02:22,205 --> 00:02:24,565 And less of the prostitute. I'm a sex worker. 51 00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:26,005 Oh, my bad. 52 00:02:26,565 --> 00:02:28,645 -Gimme my money! -Be careful with him. 53 00:02:28,725 --> 00:02:30,485 Sorry, shouldn't you be wanking someone off? 54 00:02:30,565 --> 00:02:32,525 My next appointment's not till three o'clock. 55 00:02:32,925 --> 00:02:34,885 What'd you do with the money? As if I didn't know. 56 00:02:34,965 --> 00:02:37,125 -Bought some drugs. -Bought some drugs. They're my drugs. 57 00:02:37,285 --> 00:02:38,245 We could share them. 58 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,965 Why would we share them? They're mine. 59 00:02:40,045 --> 00:02:40,925 What did you buy? 60 00:02:41,005 --> 00:02:42,925 -Um, smack, a bit of hash. -Right. 61 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:45,885 I'll have the hash. Keep the smack. 62 00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:48,525 -Aw! -I haven't got it on me, have I? 63 00:02:48,605 --> 00:02:50,765 -I could bring it over later, though. -Right. 64 00:02:52,925 --> 00:02:53,805 Do you live here? 65 00:02:54,325 --> 00:02:55,165 Er... 66 00:02:55,485 --> 00:02:56,325 Yeah. 67 00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:58,285 Why? 68 00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:01,045 I got kicked out of the last garage, didn't I? 69 00:03:01,605 --> 00:03:03,365 I don't mean why do you live in this garage. 70 00:03:03,445 --> 00:03:04,885 Why do you live in a garage at all? 71 00:03:04,965 --> 00:03:08,205 Oh, this happens. People like you just don't see it from your ivory tower. 72 00:03:08,285 --> 00:03:10,885 I'm a little princess 'cause I don't live in a hole in the wall. 73 00:03:10,965 --> 00:03:12,925 Don't let him go through my stuff, okay? 74 00:03:13,005 --> 00:03:15,645 'Cause I need a new... piss-stained mattress. 75 00:03:16,085 --> 00:03:16,965 Fucking maggot. 76 00:03:17,245 --> 00:03:19,045 Don't be so hard on him. His girlfriend died. 77 00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:20,245 He had a girlfriend? 78 00:03:20,525 --> 00:03:22,725 Overdose. She got him into it, I think. 79 00:03:23,485 --> 00:03:25,365 We all do things we'd rather not do. 80 00:03:26,085 --> 00:03:26,925 Mmm. 81 00:03:27,485 --> 00:03:28,965 D'you need anything while you're here? 82 00:03:30,125 --> 00:03:31,045 Like what? 83 00:03:31,485 --> 00:03:32,325 Anything. 84 00:03:32,965 --> 00:03:33,805 Anything? 85 00:03:34,125 --> 00:03:34,965 Anything. 86 00:03:35,725 --> 00:03:36,565 For 50 quid. 87 00:03:37,325 --> 00:03:39,325 ["Lady Marmalade" playing] 88 00:03:41,565 --> 00:03:45,685 ♪ Hey, sister, go, sister Soul sister, go, sister ♪ 89 00:03:45,765 --> 00:03:49,165 ♪ He met Marmalade Down in old New Orleans ♪ 90 00:03:49,885 --> 00:03:52,805 ♪ Struttin' her stuff on the street ♪ 91 00:03:53,405 --> 00:03:55,925 ♪ She said, "Hello. Hey, Joe ♪ 92 00:03:56,005 --> 00:03:57,445 ♪ You wanna give it a go?" ♪ 93 00:03:57,845 --> 00:04:01,765 ♪ Uh-huh Gitchie, gitchie, ya-ya, da-da ♪ 94 00:04:02,685 --> 00:04:05,965 ♪ Gitchie, gitchie, ya-ya, here ♪ 95 00:04:06,925 --> 00:04:10,085 ♪ Mocha chocolata, ya-ya ♪ 96 00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:14,405 ♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪ 97 00:04:16,085 --> 00:04:16,925 [music stops] 98 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,765 [sex worker groans and moans] 99 00:04:21,285 --> 00:04:22,805 [sex worker] This is the worst. 100 00:04:22,925 --> 00:04:24,165 I think I'm gonna puke. 101 00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:28,725 I mean, why don't you soak everything straightaway? 102 00:04:29,005 --> 00:04:30,845 You said, "Anything for 50 quid." 103 00:04:30,925 --> 00:04:33,285 How many times did you have fish fingers and beans? 104 00:04:33,365 --> 00:04:34,205 Doesn't matter. 105 00:04:34,725 --> 00:04:37,285 You've done it now anyway. Just in time. 106 00:04:39,205 --> 00:04:40,725 [exhales] 107 00:04:41,605 --> 00:04:42,605 [groans] 108 00:04:45,165 --> 00:04:46,925 A cleaner'd be way cheaper than this. 109 00:04:47,085 --> 00:04:48,285 How much do they charge? 110 00:04:48,885 --> 00:04:50,005 About a tenner an hour. 111 00:04:50,085 --> 00:04:52,125 -So I could have got five hours for that? -Yeah. 112 00:04:53,205 --> 00:04:54,245 [sighs] 113 00:04:55,125 --> 00:04:55,965 Anyway... 114 00:04:56,765 --> 00:04:58,245 it's been nice chatting. 115 00:04:58,325 --> 00:05:00,045 How about a cup of tea before you go? 116 00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:03,005 -Okay. -No, I meant I'd make you one, but... 117 00:05:04,085 --> 00:05:05,285 No, I'm all right. 118 00:05:05,365 --> 00:05:06,445 What's your name? 119 00:05:06,885 --> 00:05:08,005 Roxy. 120 00:05:08,085 --> 00:05:09,205 Your real name. 121 00:05:09,965 --> 00:05:11,685 What are you, the Inland Revenue? 122 00:05:14,365 --> 00:05:15,285 It's Daphne. 123 00:05:16,325 --> 00:05:18,445 -What? What's that face? -It's a nice name. 124 00:05:18,525 --> 00:05:20,605 Exactly. Don't suit me. 125 00:05:20,925 --> 00:05:23,205 -What, 'cause you're not nice? -I don't know. 126 00:05:24,285 --> 00:05:25,285 It suits you. 127 00:05:25,845 --> 00:05:27,565 Deep down, you're a Daphne. 128 00:05:28,765 --> 00:05:31,645 You never know what's around the corner. One minute, you're... 129 00:05:32,005 --> 00:05:34,405 happy and safe and smug about it. 130 00:05:35,165 --> 00:05:37,725 The next minute, everything's taken away from you. 131 00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:39,725 You need a plan B. 132 00:05:41,085 --> 00:05:42,085 I... [stuttering] 133 00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:44,525 I know about your wife. 134 00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:45,445 Julian told me. 135 00:05:45,525 --> 00:05:46,525 Julian? 136 00:05:46,605 --> 00:05:48,445 That skinny little fucker. 137 00:05:48,525 --> 00:05:50,125 I invite him in and he robs me. 138 00:05:50,925 --> 00:05:53,365 Yeah, but, you know, he can't help it, though, can he? 139 00:05:54,925 --> 00:05:56,285 Yeah, of course he can. 140 00:05:56,445 --> 00:05:58,405 You don't know a lot about addiction, then. 141 00:05:58,485 --> 00:06:00,525 I think I've got the gist. It's the one where you go, 142 00:06:00,605 --> 00:06:02,325 "It's not my fault. I'm addicted." 143 00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,725 Everything's an addiction these days. 144 00:06:04,805 --> 00:06:07,685 "Oh, I couldn't help running over someone in my car when I was pissed. 145 00:06:07,765 --> 00:06:09,845 I'm an alcoholic. Will you let me off?" 146 00:06:09,925 --> 00:06:11,485 Oh... a food addiction. 147 00:06:11,565 --> 00:06:14,005 Addicted to food. We're all addicted to food. 148 00:06:14,445 --> 00:06:16,485 Worst one: sex addiction. 149 00:06:16,565 --> 00:06:19,245 Literally invented by someone who got caught cheating. 150 00:06:19,325 --> 00:06:21,805 Hey, those guys are some of my best clients. 151 00:06:23,085 --> 00:06:24,525 Why do you do what you do? 152 00:06:24,805 --> 00:06:25,645 Money. 153 00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:27,925 No, I know, but why... that? 154 00:06:28,005 --> 00:06:29,765 You're only asking me that 'cause of what I do. 155 00:06:29,845 --> 00:06:32,325 But, I mean, how do you get into that in the first place? 156 00:06:32,405 --> 00:06:34,125 Do you remember that film Pretty Woman? 157 00:06:34,205 --> 00:06:36,725 -Yep. -I thought it looked really glamorous. 158 00:06:36,805 --> 00:06:37,805 Really? 159 00:06:37,885 --> 00:06:39,165 [laughing] No, course not. 160 00:06:39,245 --> 00:06:40,965 -Oh, right. I don't know. -[Roxy laughs] 161 00:06:41,405 --> 00:06:42,765 [Roxy] You would be surprised 162 00:06:42,845 --> 00:06:46,365 the amount of people that still expect all sex workers to look like Julia Roberts 163 00:06:46,605 --> 00:06:48,285 and then I show up. 164 00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:50,125 But... 165 00:06:50,525 --> 00:06:51,965 I do have these. 166 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,685 -What's that? -Tiny little hands. 167 00:06:55,005 --> 00:06:57,725 -Why is that good? -Oh, mate, clients love 'em. 168 00:06:57,965 --> 00:06:58,805 Why? 169 00:06:59,125 --> 00:07:00,725 Makes their cocks look massive. 170 00:07:01,645 --> 00:07:03,445 Well, I've learned a lot. 171 00:07:03,525 --> 00:07:05,365 -I'm honored. -Good. 172 00:07:05,445 --> 00:07:06,285 Anyway... 173 00:07:06,925 --> 00:07:07,765 Er... 174 00:07:10,405 --> 00:07:11,245 Here you go. 175 00:07:14,485 --> 00:07:16,125 Is this really all you want me to do? 176 00:07:16,965 --> 00:07:17,805 Yeah. 177 00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:19,525 [softly] Okay. 178 00:07:29,125 --> 00:07:30,365 [Roxy] See ya later. 179 00:07:31,725 --> 00:07:33,485 I absolutely love your dog. 180 00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:35,365 Me too. 181 00:07:37,645 --> 00:07:39,845 [footsteps retreating] 182 00:07:42,725 --> 00:07:45,725 I was gonna put it in for a wash. I wonder what I've done with it. 183 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,165 All right. Well, we'll find it. It's all right. 184 00:07:48,245 --> 00:07:49,965 -Hi. -Oh, hi. 185 00:07:50,485 --> 00:07:52,245 -[Tony] You all right? -Yeah. 186 00:07:54,005 --> 00:07:55,485 [sighing] You all right, Dad? 187 00:07:56,285 --> 00:07:57,645 How's Lisa? 188 00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,045 Oh, Jesus. She's dead, Dad. 189 00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:01,965 Remember that, all right? 190 00:08:02,045 --> 00:08:05,245 'Cause every time you ask me about it, it really fucking hurts, okay? 191 00:08:05,405 --> 00:08:06,965 Why don't you just go along with it? 192 00:08:07,045 --> 00:08:08,005 Why? 193 00:08:08,125 --> 00:08:09,805 Because it might make him feel better. 194 00:08:09,885 --> 00:08:12,405 All right, okay. Once again, no one cares about my feelings. 195 00:08:12,805 --> 00:08:14,485 I just had a prostitute lecturing me 196 00:08:14,565 --> 00:08:18,125 about how I should care about the feelings of a smackhead who robbed me. 197 00:08:18,925 --> 00:08:19,805 That sounds... 198 00:08:20,725 --> 00:08:22,725 He works for me, and she was doing the washing up, 199 00:08:22,965 --> 00:08:23,965 all right, it's... 200 00:08:24,925 --> 00:08:27,925 -complicated. -Well, none of my business, I'm sure. 201 00:08:29,685 --> 00:08:30,605 Interesting. 202 00:08:31,325 --> 00:08:32,645 Argh! What is? 203 00:08:33,085 --> 00:08:35,645 No, it's the way you said, "None of my business, I'm sure," 204 00:08:35,725 --> 00:08:38,445 -like you thought it was your business. -No, I didn't. 205 00:08:38,525 --> 00:08:40,285 -Well, you did. -What's wrong with you? 206 00:08:40,925 --> 00:08:43,285 -What-- -Why can't you just be normal? 207 00:08:43,365 --> 00:08:45,245 I mean, I know you're not normal. 208 00:08:45,645 --> 00:08:47,605 You're bitter, and angry, 209 00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:49,045 and depressed, 210 00:08:49,125 --> 00:08:50,405 and you're upset with the world, 211 00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:52,805 but for God's sake, this is your dad. 212 00:08:52,885 --> 00:08:54,725 -No, I know. -You know, can you not just maybe 213 00:08:54,805 --> 00:08:57,485 pretend to be normal for the ten minutes that you're with him? 214 00:08:57,565 --> 00:08:59,485 Oh, is that a dig? That I see him for ten minutes? 215 00:08:59,565 --> 00:09:00,725 I didn't mean to upset you. 216 00:09:00,805 --> 00:09:03,205 I was just saying that maybe for the ten minutes-- 217 00:09:03,285 --> 00:09:06,685 Yeah, it's just a lot of opinions for something that isn't your business. 218 00:09:06,925 --> 00:09:08,125 He can still feel hurt. 219 00:09:08,565 --> 00:09:10,125 -Right. No, I get that. -Everybody can. 220 00:09:10,205 --> 00:09:11,125 No, I get that. 221 00:09:11,205 --> 00:09:14,565 It's just a bit weird from someone who's looking after my dad as their job. 222 00:09:14,645 --> 00:09:18,005 It's a bit unprofessional giving me all this attitude, don't you think? 223 00:09:18,765 --> 00:09:21,125 You're like a troll on Twitter. 224 00:09:21,205 --> 00:09:24,325 Just because you're all upset, everybody else has to feel upset. 225 00:09:24,405 --> 00:09:26,565 At first, I thought, "I'll give him the benefit of the doubt," 226 00:09:26,645 --> 00:09:29,245 because I just assumed you were always having a bad day, 227 00:09:29,325 --> 00:09:31,485 but maybe it's just because you're a cunt. 228 00:09:33,885 --> 00:09:35,885 [door opens and closes] 229 00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:41,445 [sighing] That went well. 230 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,925 Cunt. [chuckles] 231 00:09:46,605 --> 00:09:47,445 Cunt. 232 00:09:48,405 --> 00:09:49,245 Yep. 233 00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:52,805 [Tony] I couldn't believe it. 234 00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:56,445 I mean, she's a nurse looking after my dad, who's got Alzheimer's, 235 00:09:56,885 --> 00:09:59,925 and then she's giving me grief for getting upset about stuff. 236 00:10:00,685 --> 00:10:02,925 -I wouldn't worry about it. -No, I know. 237 00:10:04,045 --> 00:10:06,045 -But you do. -Yeah. 238 00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:09,325 'Cause you know she's right. 239 00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:11,125 No. What? 240 00:10:12,765 --> 00:10:15,045 Unbelievable. Stan, what d'you reckon? 241 00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:17,045 D'you think the women are ganging up on me? 242 00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,365 He agrees with me. 243 00:10:18,765 --> 00:10:20,685 -There's a surprise. -Apologize to her. 244 00:10:21,405 --> 00:10:22,965 -For what? -It doesn't matter. 245 00:10:23,605 --> 00:10:26,045 It shows strength, not weakness. Trust me. 246 00:10:26,645 --> 00:10:29,045 I can't just go and apologize for nothing. 247 00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,245 But it wouldn't be for nothing, would it? 248 00:10:31,325 --> 00:10:35,845 You'd be apologizing for arguing with someone you like, someone who's nice. 249 00:10:37,965 --> 00:10:39,205 She's nice, right? 250 00:10:40,725 --> 00:10:44,405 -She's-- -There you are. Ahhh! 251 00:10:44,485 --> 00:10:46,085 -What? -[laughs] 252 00:10:46,725 --> 00:10:48,525 Thought so. [chuckles] 253 00:10:49,165 --> 00:10:52,285 Well, why don't you look at it as your first lovers' tiff? 254 00:10:52,365 --> 00:10:53,525 That's ridiculous. 255 00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:55,645 Okay, good. Well done. 256 00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:58,325 Right, I'll see you later. 257 00:10:59,245 --> 00:11:01,365 -See you later, Stan. -[Anne chuckles] 258 00:11:01,445 --> 00:11:03,445 [mellow guitar music] 259 00:11:03,805 --> 00:11:04,845 [chuckles] 260 00:11:04,925 --> 00:11:06,925 [children playing and shouting] 261 00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,245 Good week? 262 00:11:22,325 --> 00:11:23,285 No, course not. 263 00:11:23,885 --> 00:11:25,565 How could I possibly have had a good week? 264 00:11:26,005 --> 00:11:27,325 Only you know that, really. 265 00:11:27,405 --> 00:11:28,725 Why am I paying you, then? 266 00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:30,925 That's a good question. 267 00:11:31,005 --> 00:11:32,645 [clock ticking] 268 00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:33,565 And? 269 00:11:33,845 --> 00:11:35,285 Well, why are you paying me? 270 00:11:35,365 --> 00:11:38,005 What, so I've got to know that... too? 271 00:11:38,885 --> 00:11:44,085 Tony, we're here to ask and answer difficult questions about yourself. 272 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:47,205 Now, maybe you don't wanna know the answer. 273 00:11:47,285 --> 00:11:50,365 Maybe the easy way out for you is to think that there isn't an answer. 274 00:11:50,565 --> 00:11:53,325 Well, there is an answer, but you seem... 275 00:11:54,405 --> 00:11:57,325 happier to just accept your unhappiness. 276 00:11:57,405 --> 00:12:00,365 No, I do accept my unhappiness. I know exactly why I'm unhappy, 277 00:12:00,445 --> 00:12:03,085 and I also know the only thing that would stop me being unhappy 278 00:12:03,165 --> 00:12:04,285 is impossible. 279 00:12:04,365 --> 00:12:07,885 What I don't know is why I pay someone who doesn't care about me. 280 00:12:07,965 --> 00:12:09,005 Well... 281 00:12:09,085 --> 00:12:11,725 there are people in your life who care about you, 282 00:12:11,805 --> 00:12:14,285 but do they actually do what's good for you? 283 00:12:14,845 --> 00:12:17,245 I don't think anyone knows what's good for me. 284 00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:18,805 Well, I think it's in there somewhere. 285 00:12:18,885 --> 00:12:21,725 I just wanna stop feeling sad. 286 00:12:24,325 --> 00:12:25,165 Do that, then. 287 00:12:25,885 --> 00:12:28,165 Just... stop feeling sad. 288 00:12:30,565 --> 00:12:31,605 [snorts] 289 00:12:35,925 --> 00:12:39,165 [Tony] So, I make some notes at the time, 290 00:12:39,245 --> 00:12:42,085 if I can be bothered and stay awake. 291 00:12:43,205 --> 00:12:46,005 I get the gist of it: their name and age, 292 00:12:46,405 --> 00:12:48,525 what street they live in. People love that. 293 00:12:48,845 --> 00:12:50,245 And then I try and make... 294 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:54,125 the fucking banal seem mildly interesting. 295 00:12:54,725 --> 00:12:57,365 Um, this guy, his pipes leaked, 296 00:12:57,445 --> 00:12:59,965 and a stain appeared on his wallpaper 297 00:13:00,285 --> 00:13:02,885 that he said looks like Kenneth Branagh. 298 00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,125 -Do you know who that is? -No. 299 00:13:06,645 --> 00:13:08,165 He's an old actor, director. 300 00:13:08,805 --> 00:13:09,645 Um... 301 00:13:09,765 --> 00:13:11,725 -Have you heard of Emma Thompson? -Yeah. 302 00:13:13,005 --> 00:13:15,565 He'd hate that. Um, anyway, 303 00:13:16,285 --> 00:13:18,165 it was a stain on a wall. 304 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,005 Have you got the photos from the... 305 00:13:20,485 --> 00:13:22,925 Oh, yeah. Talking of photos, 306 00:13:23,365 --> 00:13:26,925 I've got some pictures of the date I had with the fat kid's mum the other-- 307 00:13:27,005 --> 00:13:28,365 [Braden] Everyone, listen up. 308 00:13:28,445 --> 00:13:29,285 Um... 309 00:13:29,605 --> 00:13:30,485 Work's outing. 310 00:13:30,925 --> 00:13:31,765 No. 311 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,205 Yeah. 312 00:13:33,285 --> 00:13:34,125 Yes. 313 00:13:34,405 --> 00:13:35,965 It's gonna be good for team-building. 314 00:13:36,045 --> 00:13:38,965 There's a new comedy club in town, just opened. They're advertising with us, 315 00:13:39,045 --> 00:13:41,445 so I thought show willing, bought us all tickets. 316 00:13:41,525 --> 00:13:43,165 [Kath] I said I could have got 'em for free. 317 00:13:43,245 --> 00:13:45,165 Yeah, I know, but you've gotta support the arts. 318 00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:47,805 It's good. All proper comedians. 319 00:13:48,765 --> 00:13:49,805 There is a woman on. 320 00:13:53,405 --> 00:13:54,245 Right? 321 00:13:54,765 --> 00:13:57,405 Well, I'm just saying. Just checking you're all right. 322 00:14:00,725 --> 00:14:03,045 Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun. 323 00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:05,685 -It won't. [sighs] -Tony, it will. Give it a chance. 324 00:14:06,925 --> 00:14:09,605 Talking of fun, I had a lot of fun on that date the other night with-- 325 00:14:09,685 --> 00:14:11,685 -[woman] Tony. -[Tony, sighing] Ohh. 326 00:14:11,765 --> 00:14:13,325 -Who's that? -Local nutter. 327 00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:16,605 Always trying to get in the paper, ain't you, Brian? 328 00:14:16,845 --> 00:14:17,685 She's new. 329 00:14:18,605 --> 00:14:19,725 -[Tony] Yep. -[Brian] Mmm! 330 00:14:19,805 --> 00:14:22,925 -[Tony exhales] You stink. -Never mind that. 331 00:14:23,125 --> 00:14:24,885 Got something for your front cover, 332 00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:26,445 -if you're interested. -No. 333 00:14:27,165 --> 00:14:28,365 Freddie Mercury's tooth. 334 00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:31,565 -Where d'you get that? -Up the park, by the swings. 335 00:14:31,645 --> 00:14:33,005 And what makes you think it's his? 336 00:14:34,005 --> 00:14:35,565 [snickers] Look at the size of it, mate. 337 00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:37,445 -[laughs softly] -He's disgusting. 338 00:14:37,525 --> 00:14:39,965 Huh? Why don't you stick a knob down your throat, blabbermouth? 339 00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:41,845 Why do you want to be in the paper, Brian? 340 00:14:41,925 --> 00:14:44,445 'Cause I want to show the world what I've got, what I can do, 341 00:14:44,645 --> 00:14:45,605 what diseases I've had. 342 00:14:45,845 --> 00:14:48,405 -No one's interested in your diseases. -Oh, aren't they? 343 00:14:48,485 --> 00:14:49,565 -[Tony] No. -Sexual exploits? 344 00:14:49,645 --> 00:14:50,485 -No. -No? 345 00:14:50,965 --> 00:14:52,965 -I'm a member of a swingers' club. -[Tony] Urgh. 346 00:14:53,045 --> 00:14:55,245 You know the assistant manager of Tambury FC? 347 00:14:55,325 --> 00:14:56,525 I've given him a blowjob. 348 00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,765 Stick that on your sports page. 349 00:14:58,845 --> 00:15:00,845 [Tony] We're not gonna put it on the sports page. 350 00:15:00,925 --> 00:15:03,605 It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth. We're not gonna put your diseases... 351 00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,565 This is a local paper about old ladies, their big fat cat, 352 00:15:06,645 --> 00:15:09,205 or someone finding a hat in a tree. We're not gonna go with, 353 00:15:09,285 --> 00:15:11,365 "Oh, here's Brian Gittens, local man done proud, 354 00:15:11,445 --> 00:15:14,445 sucking off some fuckin' nonce at the football." Think! 355 00:15:15,645 --> 00:15:16,805 Have you got a jokes page? 356 00:15:16,885 --> 00:15:18,445 -No. -Then you're missing a trick 357 00:15:18,525 --> 00:15:20,485 'cause I write my own jokes. D'you wanna hear one? 358 00:15:21,805 --> 00:15:25,485 What do you get if you cross a disabled octopus with my ex-wife? 359 00:15:26,845 --> 00:15:28,045 A five-legged slut. 360 00:15:30,125 --> 00:15:32,125 Brian, not everyone can get in the paper. 361 00:15:32,205 --> 00:15:34,085 Not everyone's fingered Jackie Collins. 362 00:15:34,165 --> 00:15:35,405 -Have you? -No. 363 00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:38,565 When's that bothered the press before? [snickers] 364 00:15:39,365 --> 00:15:40,245 Am I right? 365 00:15:40,685 --> 00:15:43,085 Brilliant. Okay, cheers. 366 00:15:43,165 --> 00:15:44,285 -[Brian] Okay. -See you again. 367 00:15:49,605 --> 00:15:50,445 [Tony sighs] 368 00:15:56,885 --> 00:15:58,165 I've got a good feature for you. 369 00:15:59,605 --> 00:16:01,125 -No, you haven't. -[Kath] Rude. 370 00:16:01,205 --> 00:16:03,045 -You haven't even heard it yet. -[Tony] No need. 371 00:16:04,005 --> 00:16:05,325 -Crystals. -Told you. 372 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,205 Their healing power. 373 00:16:07,285 --> 00:16:08,885 [laughs] They're bullshit. 374 00:16:09,245 --> 00:16:11,125 -You're so narrow-minded. -No. 375 00:16:11,205 --> 00:16:13,005 -You don't believe in anything. -Yes, I do. 376 00:16:13,085 --> 00:16:14,285 Thought you were atheist. 377 00:16:14,365 --> 00:16:17,485 Doesn't mean I don't believe in anything. It means I don't believe in any god. 378 00:16:17,565 --> 00:16:19,725 -How can you not believe in God? -Which one? 379 00:16:21,005 --> 00:16:22,005 What do you mean? 380 00:16:22,365 --> 00:16:24,525 Well, er, Zeus? 381 00:16:25,405 --> 00:16:27,085 -Who? -Greek god. 382 00:16:27,165 --> 00:16:28,725 Or Ra, or Ganesh? 383 00:16:28,805 --> 00:16:31,005 No, not those ones, the real one in the Bible. 384 00:16:31,085 --> 00:16:32,085 Yahweh. 385 00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:33,125 Just God! 386 00:16:33,205 --> 00:16:36,925 Well, you know how you don't believe in all those other gods I mentioned? 387 00:16:37,125 --> 00:16:39,085 That's how I don't believe in yours. 388 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,685 How can you not believe that someone created all this, though? 389 00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:44,645 Why do you believe that someone created it all? 390 00:16:44,725 --> 00:16:46,005 Because it's so good. 391 00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:48,045 It can't just be chance, can it? 392 00:16:49,365 --> 00:16:50,565 What, the Big Bang? 393 00:16:50,645 --> 00:16:53,245 Everything came from nothing? That's impossible. 394 00:16:53,325 --> 00:16:54,925 You're right. God did it. 395 00:16:55,485 --> 00:16:56,325 Right. 396 00:16:56,805 --> 00:16:58,325 So, where did God come from? 397 00:17:01,045 --> 00:17:02,045 He's always been around. 398 00:17:02,805 --> 00:17:04,125 There you go. Easy, innit? 399 00:17:04,485 --> 00:17:05,365 [Kath] Mm. 400 00:17:10,885 --> 00:17:13,925 [Lisa] You always found so much joy in everything, all the little things. 401 00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:16,285 Sitting on the sofa with the dog. [chuckles] 402 00:17:16,645 --> 00:17:18,085 With that look on your face, like, 403 00:17:18,165 --> 00:17:20,445 "I'm just sat on the sofa with the dog. I'm loving it." 404 00:17:22,165 --> 00:17:23,525 Give the dog a kiss from me, 405 00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:26,845 and take her to the beach. She loves it there. 406 00:17:27,645 --> 00:17:29,045 -You both do. -[Tony sighs] 407 00:17:31,205 --> 00:17:32,765 Do you wanna go to the beach? 408 00:17:33,325 --> 00:17:34,165 Yeah? 409 00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:36,325 Come on, then. 410 00:17:40,525 --> 00:17:42,565 Come on. Good girl. 411 00:19:01,285 --> 00:19:03,645 [shrieking] 412 00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:07,325 -Oh, my God! What did you do that for? -[Brandy barking and whining] 413 00:19:07,405 --> 00:19:08,285 [Tony] You looked hot! 414 00:19:08,365 --> 00:19:11,325 -I was asleep! I'm soaked! -[Tony chuckling] 415 00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:13,965 -Look, you've freaked the dog out. -[Tony laughing] 416 00:19:14,045 --> 00:19:16,965 -Oh, you're such a twat! -[Tony laughing] 417 00:19:17,045 --> 00:19:19,445 Oh, I might as well go in the sea now. 418 00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:22,525 Come on, boy! You come in the sea with me! You come in. 419 00:19:22,845 --> 00:19:24,805 -[Tony] No. -You come in. Tony, come in! 420 00:19:24,885 --> 00:19:26,445 -[Tony] No. -Come on! 421 00:19:27,005 --> 00:19:27,845 Come on! 422 00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:29,645 Come in, Tony! 423 00:19:43,885 --> 00:19:44,725 [barks] 424 00:20:02,965 --> 00:20:03,925 [whines] 425 00:20:25,085 --> 00:20:26,965 [audience laughing] 426 00:20:27,045 --> 00:20:28,645 That's why they call them sports socks! 427 00:20:28,725 --> 00:20:29,765 [laughter] 428 00:20:29,845 --> 00:20:32,165 Thank you. You're a wonderful crowd, you really are. 429 00:20:32,245 --> 00:20:33,645 I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd. 430 00:20:34,205 --> 00:20:36,325 I've had some bad news this week, I have to say. 431 00:20:36,405 --> 00:20:38,325 -[crowd] Aw! -Come on, sadder than that. 432 00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,325 [crowd, louder] Aw! 433 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,445 Yeah, it was. 434 00:20:41,645 --> 00:20:43,885 A friend of mine actually committed suicide last week. 435 00:20:44,365 --> 00:20:47,645 Yeah, went upstairs, swallowed everything in the bathroom cabinet. 436 00:20:48,085 --> 00:20:49,285 Choked on a tampon. 437 00:20:49,365 --> 00:20:51,245 -[audience laughs] -Oh, yeah. 438 00:20:51,885 --> 00:20:52,725 [snorts] 439 00:20:53,205 --> 00:20:54,965 Choked on a tampon. [laughs] 440 00:20:55,565 --> 00:20:58,845 So you've got this guy, absolutely fucking hated that joke. 441 00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,925 I tell ya, his face fell like my nan. Oh, no! 442 00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,605 Fucking cheer up, mate. Might not ever happen. 443 00:21:04,685 --> 00:21:08,445 Come on. Instead of going, "I'm not gonna laugh at this." Come on. 444 00:21:08,525 --> 00:21:09,765 What's your name then, man? 445 00:21:11,365 --> 00:21:12,405 What's your name? 446 00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:15,325 -Tony. -Tony. There we go. Not so hard. 447 00:21:15,405 --> 00:21:16,645 What's your story, Tony? 448 00:21:18,165 --> 00:21:20,125 -What's my story? -Yeah. 449 00:21:20,365 --> 00:21:22,405 Sitting here, front row. What's your story? 450 00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,365 My wife died... 451 00:21:25,925 --> 00:21:26,845 earlier this year. 452 00:21:27,845 --> 00:21:28,685 Breast cancer. 453 00:21:30,725 --> 00:21:31,805 And it broke me. 454 00:21:33,485 --> 00:21:35,165 Not a day goes by when I don't... 455 00:21:36,245 --> 00:21:37,485 think of killing myself. 456 00:21:37,925 --> 00:21:40,765 I just don't see any point in living. 457 00:21:46,485 --> 00:21:47,405 Well... 458 00:21:52,365 --> 00:21:55,325 [nervously] Umbrellas are weird, aren't they? Do you ever... 459 00:21:56,125 --> 00:21:57,285 As if an umbrella... 460 00:21:58,165 --> 00:21:59,005 [Tony] He asked. 461 00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:00,765 [Braden] Yeah. 462 00:22:00,965 --> 00:22:03,565 [Tony] He did. He asked me a question, so I told him the truth. 463 00:22:05,565 --> 00:22:07,605 -[Braden] The truth's important to you. -Yeah. 464 00:22:07,685 --> 00:22:10,765 Okay, well, here's the truth for you, Tony. I'm tired, mate. 465 00:22:11,445 --> 00:22:14,765 Okay, I'm tired of spending my working day worrying about you 466 00:22:14,845 --> 00:22:16,605 and about what you're gonna do next, 467 00:22:16,685 --> 00:22:19,445 and trying to come up with reasons you shouldn't kill yourself, 468 00:22:19,805 --> 00:22:23,245 and finding tickets for things to try and cheer you up. 469 00:22:23,845 --> 00:22:27,045 Okay? Midweek, as well, when I should be home with my wife and son, 470 00:22:27,125 --> 00:22:28,525 dealing with my own problems. 471 00:22:28,925 --> 00:22:32,885 Right. So he's allowed to joke about suicide, but I'm not allowed to-- 472 00:22:32,965 --> 00:22:35,805 It wasn't about you, though, Tony. The joke wasn't about you. 473 00:22:35,885 --> 00:22:37,565 It didn't happen. He made it up. 474 00:22:38,005 --> 00:22:41,925 His friend didn't really commit suicide by choking on a tampon, obviously. 475 00:22:42,005 --> 00:22:44,445 -No, I get that. -I mean, he doesn't know your situation. 476 00:22:44,525 --> 00:22:45,365 [Tony] Well... 477 00:22:45,445 --> 00:22:46,565 He doesn't. If he'd said, 478 00:22:46,965 --> 00:22:50,605 "Hands up, anyone whose wife has died and is thinking about killing themselves," 479 00:22:50,685 --> 00:22:53,325 you go, "Over here." He's like, "Okay, mate, here's a joke for you." 480 00:22:53,405 --> 00:22:55,285 Right. Well, maybe I wasn't in the mood. 481 00:22:55,365 --> 00:22:56,205 [Braden] Great. 482 00:22:56,285 --> 00:22:58,085 He was trying to make people laugh. 483 00:23:00,485 --> 00:23:01,885 That's all I'm doing here, okay? 484 00:23:01,965 --> 00:23:04,005 I'm just... I'm doing my best, trying... 485 00:23:04,445 --> 00:23:05,485 trying to make you happy. 486 00:23:06,765 --> 00:23:07,605 Okay. 487 00:23:09,245 --> 00:23:10,085 Well, cheers. 488 00:23:15,245 --> 00:23:17,045 -All right? -Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. 489 00:23:17,125 --> 00:23:18,005 See you tomorrow. 490 00:23:24,325 --> 00:23:26,685 -[car engine starts] -[Lisa] Look... 491 00:23:27,525 --> 00:23:28,445 Audrey Hepburn. 492 00:23:28,965 --> 00:23:29,885 [laughs] 493 00:23:30,445 --> 00:23:31,885 Doesn't she look beautiful? 494 00:23:31,965 --> 00:23:34,605 -Brandy, you look so glamorous! -[Tony] Oh... 495 00:23:34,685 --> 00:23:37,605 -[Lisa laughs] -She's a laughing stock. 496 00:23:37,685 --> 00:23:38,685 [Lisa] It was her idea. 497 00:23:38,765 --> 00:23:40,685 -[Tony] How long did that take? -[Lisa] I'd say... 498 00:23:40,765 --> 00:23:42,085 -ten minutes. -[Tony] Brilliant. 499 00:23:42,165 --> 00:23:45,965 [chuckling] 500 00:23:46,045 --> 00:23:47,765 -[doorbell rings] -[Lisa laughing] 501 00:23:48,125 --> 00:23:49,285 [Lisa] Happy with that. 502 00:23:50,765 --> 00:23:51,725 [sighs] 503 00:23:54,845 --> 00:23:56,245 Bought you a little present. 504 00:23:56,845 --> 00:23:58,205 With the money you stole from me? 505 00:23:59,765 --> 00:24:00,765 -Yeah-- -Thoughtful. 506 00:24:10,525 --> 00:24:12,685 ["Into My Arms" by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds playing] 507 00:24:14,245 --> 00:24:17,085 You, um, sure you don't want a bit of this in it? 508 00:24:19,005 --> 00:24:19,845 Yeah, go on. 509 00:24:21,445 --> 00:24:22,285 Sure? 510 00:24:23,245 --> 00:24:24,725 What's the worst that can happen? 511 00:24:25,445 --> 00:24:27,205 Well... this. 512 00:24:30,325 --> 00:24:32,525 Look, I'm sorry about the whole, um... 513 00:24:33,405 --> 00:24:35,805 robbing money thing. It's not really me. 514 00:24:36,205 --> 00:24:37,445 It's the disease, right? 515 00:24:38,925 --> 00:24:39,885 We've all got excuses. 516 00:24:43,085 --> 00:24:45,245 I still can't believe we've got stuff in common. 517 00:24:48,045 --> 00:24:49,325 Both lost our partners, 518 00:24:50,285 --> 00:24:51,925 both trying to numb the pain, 519 00:24:52,525 --> 00:24:53,485 both losers. 520 00:24:54,165 --> 00:24:55,245 No offense, 521 00:24:55,325 --> 00:24:57,365 but I look at you, and I think, 522 00:24:57,885 --> 00:24:59,085 "Fuck me. 523 00:24:59,725 --> 00:25:00,565 I'm like that." 524 00:25:04,605 --> 00:25:05,485 No, you're not. 525 00:25:08,285 --> 00:25:13,925 ♪ I don't believe In an interventionist God ♪ 526 00:25:18,885 --> 00:25:20,765 ♪ But I know, darling... ♪ 527 00:25:20,845 --> 00:25:22,005 Don't rob me! 528 00:25:22,085 --> 00:25:24,085 ♪ That you do ♪ 529 00:25:29,605 --> 00:25:35,005 ♪ But if I did I would kneel down and ask him ♪ 530 00:25:39,845 --> 00:25:45,165 ♪ Not to intervene When it came to you ♪ 531 00:25:47,445 --> 00:25:50,965 ♪ Oh, not to touch a hair on your head ♪ 532 00:25:51,045 --> 00:25:53,365 ♪ Leave you as you are ♪ 533 00:25:53,445 --> 00:25:59,325 ♪ If he felt he had to direct you Then direct you into my arms ♪ 534 00:26:01,685 --> 00:26:04,965 ♪ Into my arms ♪ 535 00:26:05,125 --> 00:26:06,485 ♪ Oh, Lord ♪ 536 00:26:07,085 --> 00:26:09,885 ♪ Into my arms ♪ 537 00:26:10,405 --> 00:26:11,485 ♪ Oh, Lord ♪ 538 00:26:12,325 --> 00:26:15,245 ♪ Into my arms ♪ 539 00:26:15,605 --> 00:26:17,205 ♪ Oh, Lord ♪ 540 00:26:17,605 --> 00:26:20,405 ♪ Into my arms ♪ 541 00:26:25,205 --> 00:26:30,565 ♪ And I don't believe In the existence of angels ♪ 542 00:26:35,645 --> 00:26:41,125 ♪ But looking at you I wonder if that's true ♪