1
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,280
‎NETFLIX 原創影集

2
00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:12,560
‎-過來和我跳舞
‎-我熱死了

3
00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:13,680
‎-來嘛
‎-我好熱

4
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,440
‎-趁你還沒有醉到起不來
‎-真要命

5
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:16,640
‎拜託！來嘛

6
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,120
‎我們來跳探戈

7
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:22,560
‎天啊！饒了我！

8
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:23,760
‎好耶！

9
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:32,560
‎好！

10
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,200
‎他沒有把我摔到地上！

11
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:42,960
‎乾杯！

12
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:47,520
‎來吧

13
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:52,960
‎好

14
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:57,600
‎來

15
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:01,680
‎對

16
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:03,280
‎那是誰的？

17
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,600
‎布蘭迪的早餐，對吧？

18
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:10,600
‎來吧

19
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:12,520
‎過來這裡

20
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:16,480
‎乖狗狗

21
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:21,040
‎又是新的一天，必須振作起來

22
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,640
‎面對這個世界

23
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,960
‎告訴你一聲，我租到分租公寓了

24
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:33,840
‎很好

25
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:36,520
‎-所以洗澡確實有用，對吧？
‎-誰想得到呢？

26
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,600
‎也許改天再來洗看看，前途無量啊

27
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,240
‎我的生活總算有點起色

28
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:43,120
‎老實說，這讓我又找回了自信

29
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,400
‎勉強吧…但是有幫助

30
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,520
‎對了，上回我看到
‎和你在一起的女人是誰？

31
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,160
‎從這裡出來，挺可愛的

32
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,760
‎-什麼女人？
‎-金髮，很迷人的那個

33
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,280
‎不是你的女朋友吧？

34
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:57,440
‎不是，那是蘿絲

35
00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,320
‎介意我約她看看嗎？

36
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,880
‎我不像你以為的那麼吃得開

37
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,400
‎-我幫你美言幾句
‎-不要把我講得太好…

38
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,200
‎她期待太高會失望的
‎這樣吧，把我講得差一點

39
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,320
‎-差一點？
‎-對

40
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:12,800
‎要怎麼講？

41
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,040
‎我不知道，你覺得呢？

42
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:17,280
‎我肯定會說

43
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,120
‎“他看起來像是
‎警察從河裡拖出來的玩意”

44
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,440
‎好，但是河的部分再修飾一下

45
00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,800
‎類似汙水之類的

46
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:28,960
‎有我的信嗎？

47
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:30,400
‎沒有

48
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:32,400
‎好

49
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,400
‎-謝謝
‎-再見，老兄

50
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:50,200
‎（《坦伯里報章》）

51
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,200
‎抱歉…關於禪修的事

52
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,720
‎-他知道那不是你的錯
‎-對

53
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,200
‎是他的錯，煩死人的蠢蛋

54
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,040
‎聽著，東尼
‎你去禪修之前喝酒了嗎？

55
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,520
‎沒有，之後我必須喝一小杯
‎才能冷靜，但是…

56
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,200
‎-我想那也是他的錯了？
‎-不是

57
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,120
‎不光是他的錯，多數的事情
‎都是喝酒的好藉口

58
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,960
‎我常喝醉，但以前是開心才喝酒

59
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,600
‎那樣沒關係

60
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,680
‎但現在我是難過才喝酒
‎那樣不太好，因為…

61
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,160
‎這樣喝酒的次數更多
‎時間也早了一些

62
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:30,880
‎那就別喝了

63
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:34,400
‎-真聰明！
‎-拜託，說真的

64
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,600
‎如果你有酒癮問題
‎應該去戒酒協會或勒戒所…

65
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:38,520
‎為什麼？

66
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:40,280
‎為了康復

67
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:42,880
‎喝酒不是我的疾病吧？

68
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,360
‎-不是，但是對你有害
‎-所有的一切都有害

69
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:46,480
‎我們都會死

70
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,280
‎保持健康只是死得比較慢，所以…

71
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,280
‎好…所以你會活久一點

72
00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:52,560
‎好，但是為什麼？

73
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,480
‎還問“為什麼？”
‎這樣才能享受更多你喜歡的事物

74
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,200
‎我喜歡喝酒

75
00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,160
‎-好
‎-醉鬼都會傷害自己

76
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,960
‎訣竅是當個有品的醉鬼
‎不要傷害其他人，但是…

77
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,560
‎不過東尼，你稱自己是醉鬼…

78
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:09,480
‎只有一半時候，但是…
‎隨便你貼標籤吧

79
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,320
‎我遇到問題會喝酒

80
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,400
‎這個世界有滿滿的問題
‎這不是我的錯吧？

81
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,360
‎這…這是一個可怕的地方

82
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,000
‎每個人都有搞砸的問題
‎這是我的問題

83
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,880
‎每個人都有擔憂的事，例如…

84
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,640
‎我不知道，錢、健康、饑荒或戰爭

85
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,640
‎我們腦部超級開發的靈長類

86
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:30,280
‎難怪我們會買醉
‎然後互相殘殺，簡直瘋狂

87
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:32,840
‎和你談話真不錯啊

88
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:35,680
‎-你們好
‎-嗨

89
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,160
‎-妳好嗎？
‎-你們在閒聊？

90
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,280
‎-對
‎-對

91
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,720
‎我在解釋我的新計畫
‎就是要醉生夢死

92
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,280
‎直到我最後在自己的進化中內爆

93
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,200
‎你相信這一套？

94
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,240
‎什麼？進化是已證明的事實？相信啊

95
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,920
‎那就是問題所在吧？
‎你的科學只能應付事實

96
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,800
‎-我的思想比較開放
‎-好

97
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,280
‎-我愛各種超自然事物
‎-是嗎？

98
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:02,880
‎前世、心靈感應

99
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,160
‎其實我自己就會一點點

100
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,160
‎是嗎？

101
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,120
‎你知道怎麼得知有天使造訪你家嗎？

102
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:10,560
‎-所以…
‎-抱歉

103
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,720
‎妳還要繼續對我說個不停嗎？

104
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,400
‎有一股肉桂的味道

105
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:19,760
‎真幼稚

106
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:21,360
‎等等

107
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,680
‎剛剛有天使進來嗎？

108
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,240
‎不是，是妳在吃小圓麵包

109
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:42,640
‎所以…

110
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,400
‎我的禪定計畫

111
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,000
‎並沒有真的成功

112
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,000
‎-沒有嗎？
‎-沒有

113
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,080
‎我去參加禪修了…

114
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,120
‎但那個傢伙超煩人的！

115
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,680
‎最後我忍不住嗆他，氣沖沖的離開

116
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,840
‎-他怎麼煩你了？
‎-各方面都煩

117
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,080
‎喝水超大聲，還吸鼻涕

118
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,960
‎-還有那種聲音
‎-什麼？

119
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,200
‎就是啊！

120
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,360
‎你嗆他什麼？

121
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,760
‎我好像罵他“吸鼻涕賤人”

122
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:14,000
‎對

123
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:16,760
‎天啊

124
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,240
‎我回家灌醉自己

125
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,600
‎看莉莎的影片

126
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,560
‎你知道青蛙和蠍子的寓言嗎？

127
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:28,480
‎不知道

128
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,200
‎有隻蠍子想過河

129
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,800
‎牠就問青蛙能不能坐在牠背上

130
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,480
‎揹牠過河，青蛙說
‎“不行，你會螫我”

131
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,160
‎蠍子說：“我幹嘛那樣做？
‎這樣我們兩個都會淹死”

132
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:47,000
‎於是青蛙說：“好吧，說得也是”

133
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:51,000
‎然後牠們游到半路時
‎蠍子就螫了青蛙

134
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:53,440
‎青蛙說

135
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,040
‎“現在我們兩個都會死
‎你為什麼要螫我？”

136
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,840
‎蠍子說

137
00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,160
‎“因為我是蠍子”

138
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:05,640
‎對…

139
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,760
‎對，我想我無法改變我的本性

140
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:10,920
‎不，你是青蛙

141
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:12,920
‎-青蛙？
‎-對

142
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:13,880
‎是嗎？為什麼？

143
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,520
‎你知道你肯定不喜歡禪修課

144
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,560
‎但你還是去了，只為了取悅別人

145
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,520
‎然後你生氣了

146
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,480
‎你甚至因此覺得過意不去

147
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:24,800
‎你是青蛙

148
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:26,360
‎對

149
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:27,600
‎敏感

150
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,080
‎輕易信任別人

151
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,600
‎不是因為我的身材？

152
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:32,880
‎或是喉嚨？

153
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,080
‎哦…青蛙？

154
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,360
‎-我還希望我是蠍子的
‎-對，我知道你會這樣想

155
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:41,440
‎-妳懂吧？
‎-懂

156
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,440
‎只是因為蠍子更酷，我喜歡青蛙

157
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:47,920
‎但我的意思是
‎沒有人會說：“我想要的男人

158
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,320
‎我希望他有點胖胖、黏黏的”

159
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,840
‎真的，“我希望他能夠站在樹葉上”

160
00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,160
‎我希望我的男人可以用前腿
‎把蟲子掃進嘴裡

161
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:05,760
‎各位？這是阿瓊的兒子，詹姆士

162
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,040
‎-現在也是你的兒子吧？
‎-不，並不是

163
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,000
‎他今天開始來累積工作經驗

164
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,760
‎-大家好
‎-嗨

165
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,680
‎要乖，照他們說的去做
‎過來，不要去煩人家

166
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:17,640
‎你看看

167
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,560
‎-親一個
‎-真是的，媽！

168
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,560
‎-好，晚點見
‎-晚點見

169
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:22,920
‎-你過來
‎-好

170
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:23,840
‎再見

171
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,920
‎他可能會惹惱妳，但他心腸很好

172
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,240
‎-好
‎-不是字面上的意思

173
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,160
‎他過度肥胖，他的所有內臟都很糟

174
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,200
‎憾事遲早會發生，他的飲食習慣很糟

175
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,480
‎他一個星期沒大便了

176
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,440
‎不過他習以為常了

177
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,200
‎他真的大便時
‎整個屋子都是他的聲音

178
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,560
‎妳會聽到他痛苦的尖叫

179
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,960
‎我常說：“這是你自己的錯
‎多吃點水果！”

180
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,040
‎但是他不肯

181
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,080
‎我覺得他會這樣喪命

182
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:54,280
‎在廁所，用力解便，心臟病發作

183
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,560
‎中風之類的

184
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:57,680
‎像貓王一樣

185
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,120
‎但不像貓王有精采刺激的一生
‎妳懂吧？

186
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,400
‎再見了

187
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,800
‎好，或許你該先開始看報紙

188
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,600
‎-為什麼？
‎-你在這裡工作啊

189
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,120
‎-我想是吧
‎-詹姆士？

190
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,800
‎-嗨，麥特布頓，我是編輯
‎-嗨

191
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,960
‎-麥特，幸會了
‎-幸會

192
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,240
‎這些人會告訴你工作流程
‎但如果你有問題…

193
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,320
‎-有，我們要報導業劇嗎？
‎-什麼？

194
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,520
‎-那是什麼？
‎-我是業餘戲劇社的成員

195
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,160
‎我們都在社區中心排演

196
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:31,440
‎那很棒的，我們有表演課、舞蹈

197
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:32,600
‎你會跳舞？

198
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,160
‎會，超厲害

199
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:35,840
‎跳舞、唱歌

200
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,720
‎演戲、雜耍…
‎我是全方位藝人，懂嗎？

201
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,880
‎你去幫大家泡茶吧？

202
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,560
‎-這是很好的開始，對吧？
‎-好

203
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,880
‎-誰要喝茶？
‎-不了

204
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,240
‎我不用，還是謝謝你

205
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,560
‎-沒人要喝，所以…
‎-我要

206
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,280
‎-好的
‎-去吧

207
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:53,200
‎沒問題

208
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,320
‎-有了家庭，你似乎很開心
‎-對

209
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,000
‎我也該定下來了

210
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:03,680
‎忠於一個女人！

211
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,280
‎你以前很風流嗎？

212
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,240
‎我可厲害了

213
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:08,560
‎-好
‎-沒錯

214
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,080
‎我起步比較晚，所以要急起直追

215
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,920
‎我一直到20多歲才真的開始玩女人

216
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,400
‎好

217
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,120
‎我在青少年時期非常害羞

218
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,160
‎我以前沒這麼酷

219
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,240
‎-沒有嗎？
‎-沒有

220
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,440
‎-我以前的長相很奇怪
‎-真要命！

221
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,600
‎-你以前是什麼樣子？
‎-我不知道

222
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,920
‎但我記得《醜小鴨》的故事
‎相當鼓舞人心

223
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,600
‎是不是描述一隻長相古怪的小鴨

224
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,240
‎其他的鴨子都在嘲笑牠

225
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,760
‎但是等牠長大後
‎牠根本不是鴨子，而是大型的…

226
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,680
‎90公斤人形蛞蝓

227
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,760
‎在發送免費報紙的本地報社工作

228
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,400
‎-對，就是那個
‎-好

229
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,680
‎玩女人…真要命！

230
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,920
‎我想報導業劇，可以嗎？

231
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,920
‎可以，我們應該去看看

232
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:57,920
‎-有餅乾！
‎-絕對要去

233
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,080
‎媽的，我累死了

234
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,040
‎-你好嗎？
‎-你好

235
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,280
‎這是誰啊？

236
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:04,920
‎你好，我是詹姆士

237
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,480
‎-你應該幫布萊恩分報紙
‎-我不擅長那個

238
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,240
‎你應該什麼事都要學

239
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,120
‎-真要命，好啦，爸！
‎-我不是你爸

240
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,520
‎來吧！我需要幫手，我的背痛死了

241
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,680
‎好吧，但是我5點要排演

242
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,800
‎-排演什麼？
‎-我的業劇社

243
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,360
‎我可以參加嗎？

244
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,200
‎可以，只要有才藝都能加入

245
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,360
‎那就行了！

246
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,680
‎-你是做什麼的？
‎-我有什麼不會的？

247
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,480
‎我是木偶師

248
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,120
‎我會寫笑話

249
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,360
‎你看看…

250
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,200
‎薇樂莉，妳好嗎？

251
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,000
‎好啊

252
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,400
‎誰能噴發一大堆的灰色精液？

253
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,680
‎-不知道
‎-大象

254
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,200
‎妳全身濕了！

255
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,240
‎-你好噁心！
‎-真的嗎？

256
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,800
‎滿臉精液的人可不是我，親愛的！

257
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,240
‎午安，坦伯里戲劇社成員

258
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,960
‎-午安，肯
‎-大家好！

259
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,520
‎-午安，肯
‎-嗨，大家都好嗎？

260
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:21,800
‎-都好嗎？
‎-還不錯

261
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,720
‎對，布萊恩，歡迎加入坦伯里戲劇社

262
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,280
‎-嗨，布萊恩
‎-嗨，布萊恩

263
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:27,840
‎來玩姓名遊戲，我們很愛的

264
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,720
‎對吧？每次有新演員加入時

265
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,760
‎說出姓名、年齡
‎以及你不喜歡的事物

266
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,760
‎會讓你生氣、受不了的事

267
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,680
‎我是布萊恩，45歲

268
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,280
‎我真的不喜歡我的前妻

269
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:44,880
‎-天啊
‎-超討厭

270
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,160
‎對，為什麼？

271
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,200
‎-賤人
‎-好

272
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,920
‎好，拿出最好的一面

273
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,840
‎-嗨，你們是《坦伯里報章》的？
‎-對

274
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,160
‎我經營這個社團，坦伯里戲劇社
‎肯奧特利，聽過我嗎？

275
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,440
‎-沒有
‎-沒有？

276
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,920
‎沒有？我是專業的演藝人員

277
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,840
‎-好
‎-我經營這個是找點樂趣

278
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,480
‎我們每年有幾次表演

279
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,080
‎再過一星期剛好有一場

280
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,280
‎是輕鬆歌舞秀

281
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,760
‎《眾星之夜》

282
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,040
‎-由他們表演嗎？
‎-對，就是這些人

283
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,440
‎大家表演自己的絕活，所以沒有爭議

284
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,880
‎-自由表現！
‎-這是布萊恩，我們的新成員

285
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,640
‎-你認識他？
‎-對，我們認識布萊恩

286
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:23,000
‎我要表演單人脫口秀

287
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,640
‎-好
‎-我要朗誦女性主義詩詞

288
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,120
‎我要表演《小丑進場》
‎配上詮釋的舞蹈

289
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,040
‎說夠了，我們來展現一下吧

290
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,040
‎-大家起立，把椅子拿開
‎-對，是我

291
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:38,000
‎嗨，那天晚上很抱歉
‎我…當時不太對勁

292
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,720
‎真可惜，我還挺喜歡的

293
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,120
‎很高興認識脾氣和我一樣壞的人

294
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,160
‎你幹嘛報導這種爛劇團？

295
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:46,960
‎我一開始會來這裡

296
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,240
‎只是因為我的死鬼老公在家
‎我想逃離屋子

297
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,960
‎他們是一群笨蛋
‎不過總比待在他身邊好

298
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:52,880
‎當然

299
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,400
‎這就像《飛越杜鵑窩》
‎我覺得自己就像護士拉契特

300
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,000
‎看到那個小胖子了嗎？

301
00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,360
‎我真想替他電擊一下

302
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,800
‎-你好，布萊恩！
‎-好，我是大人物

303
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:05,120
‎-肯
‎-真正的大人物

304
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,440
‎過來，蕾貝卡，上下跳動

305
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,440
‎跳動一下就好，別受傷了

306
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,600
‎我忍不住，我真的很想她

307
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,760
‎她有沒有搞上別人？

308
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,520
‎-沒有
‎-你呢？

309
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,520
‎我當然沒有

310
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:25,480
‎有個同事說她喜歡我，但是…

311
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,520
‎我沒興趣，我現在只覺得好厭煩

312
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,040
‎真是的，我們都會覺得厭煩沮喪

313
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,400
‎抱歉，我無意…

314
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,880
‎你覺得厭煩時，通常會怎麼做？

315
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,920
‎我會和臭鼠、戀童癖大醉一場

316
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,760
‎-好
‎-去看足球，找人幹架

317
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,600
‎我討厭那種軟弱窩囊的屁話

318
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:51,560
‎那些心腸太軟的人只會說
‎“男子氣概最要不得

319
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,120
‎想哭就哭出來！”

320
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,640
‎但是也可以喝五杯啤酒、吞顆搖頭丸

321
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:59,560
‎找女人一夜情
‎靠著垃圾桶從後面上她

322
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,920
‎反正做一些讓你開心的事，小子

323
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,680
‎我好像插進某個女人的屁屁
‎不小心弄斷大姆指了

324
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,840
‎如果你們想要精采的報導
‎應該來找我

325
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,400
‎我有精采的一生，告訴你們
‎我的一生非常精采

326
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,520
‎你們的讀者該知道這些，寫下來

327
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,680
‎我確實唸了戲劇學校
‎所以我仍算是職業演員

328
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,800
‎但是這年頭要得到角色不容易

329
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,840
‎尤其是白人，恕我直說

330
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,160
‎在專科教了一陣子戲劇

331
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,440
‎你們知道嗎？那裡一堆騙子

332
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,640
‎說真的，別去那裡，一群洪水猛獸

333
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:40,320
‎我是專業的明星經紀人
‎在這行幹了25年

334
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,920
‎我旗下有許多藝人

335
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,800
‎大大小小，數不清了

336
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,280
‎我可以告訴你們一些演藝圈的故事

337
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,960
‎你們會驚訝到不行

338
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:50,040
‎例如什麼？

339
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,720
‎天啊，要從何說起呢？

340
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,160
‎知道你們可以怎麼做嗎？

341
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,960
‎當我的寫手，開個八卦專欄

342
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,920
‎-對
‎-這樣行得通，對！

343
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,080
‎來吧，我們來進行

344
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,120
‎-拉張椅子
‎-好

345
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,320
‎來吧，說做就做，老天！

346
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:04,640
‎好的

347
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,000
‎事情是這樣的，朋友，機會送上門時

348
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,240
‎你必須好好把握，懂嗎？

349
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,200
‎就像你那個女同事

350
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,440
‎-對
‎-趁你還年輕，該上就上

351
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,800
‎上個星期，我們在…

352
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,360
‎我們在鎮上的坦漢堡聚餐

353
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,480
‎有個女服務生拿餐點過來，她超正

354
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:39,280
‎她開口說

355
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,240
‎“各位先生
‎還有什麼需要我效勞嗎？”

356
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,120
‎感覺就是“一拍即合！”

357
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,800
‎五分鐘後，我、臭鼠和她
‎就在無障礙廁所裡搞3P

358
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,360
‎我從後面上她，懂嗎？

359
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,760
‎她本來含著臭鼠的老二

360
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,040
‎卻突然鬆口轉身對我說

361
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,280
‎“你要配薯條嗎？”

362
00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,080
‎真有一套！

363
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,360
‎總之我們出來以後，有一個…

364
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,000
‎有個坐輪椅的老頭

365
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,680
‎氣得要命，因為他等好久

366
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,080
‎對，他啐我一口

367
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:10,960
‎所以我靠近他身邊說

368
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,880
‎“希望你在裡面和我們剛剛一樣爽
‎糟老頭”

369
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,000
‎對

370
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,240
‎-對，這真的很有幫助
‎-乾杯

371
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,360
‎好，我有個故事給你們，聽好了

372
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,640
‎我和鬼魂上過床

373
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,360
‎告訴你們，這不是雙方合意的

374
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,280
‎錯綜複雜的故事

375
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,280
‎PSA

376
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,440
‎超自然性侵，真有這種事，好嗎？

377
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,920
‎我喜歡裸睡，趴著睡覺

378
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,480
‎那是我的選擇

379
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,440
‎但有些人會說，所以是我的錯

380
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,480
‎那是在檢討受害者，對吧？

381
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:57,800
‎沒有人會料到那樣

382
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,840
‎再告訴你們一件事，我知道是誰幹的

383
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,000
‎捅我後庭的是…

384
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,320
‎列勃拉斯的鬼魂

385
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:05,840
‎那是頭條新聞

386
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:07,720
‎盡量淡化捅後庭的部分

387
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,480
‎你覺得他為什麼選擇你？

388
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,560
‎我可能不是唯一的受害者！

389
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,760
‎等這件事上報，也許其他人會站出來

390
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,240
‎通常都是這樣，不是嗎？

391
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,240
‎好…

392
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,800
‎我想我們就把你交給能幹的…

393
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,800
‎-珊迪，對，通通告訴她
‎-太好了，我會的

394
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:26,960
‎行嗎？好的

395
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,640
‎-謝謝
‎-再見

396
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:29,920
‎-再見
‎-好

397
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,080
‎珊迪，伊莉莎白泰勒，記得她嗎？

398
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,400
‎我朋友的朋友負責她的驗屍

399
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,360
‎他們發現她的那裡塞滿跳蛋

400
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,680
‎-我想知道
‎-你感覺到這有多柔軟嗎？

401
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:46,600
‎對，非常柔軟

402
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:50,120
‎對，我們用了一點點柔軟精
‎這方面我們是大手筆

403
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,360
‎-妳親自洗的？
‎-不是

404
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,440
‎我把毛巾放進洗衣機，不是用手搓洗

405
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:58,600
‎嗨，爸

406
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,520
‎這是媽媽的

407
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,920
‎她以前會唸給我聽

408
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,360
‎詩詞

409
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:15,440
‎你不太感興趣，我也是
‎我只是喜歡聽她唸

410
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,280
‎“這是誰的森林，我想我知道

411
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,760
‎他的屋子就在村裡

412
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,400
‎他不會看到我行經此地

413
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,760
‎-凝視…”
‎-“凝視他的森林…

414
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,200
‎覆蓋白雪的美景”

415
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:37,520
‎-嗨
‎-嗨

416
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,560
‎我看到妳在和賽門聊天
‎我不想打擾妳

417
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,280
‎對，我在和賽門聊天
‎不過我想說的是…

418
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,200
‎我們不是一對吧？

419
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,600
‎-還真快
‎-不

420
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,320
‎一點也不快

421
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,120
‎抱歉我這麼敏感

422
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:57,840
‎沒關係

423
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,000
‎妳說得對，我還沒準備好，但是…

424
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,880
‎我…慢慢在變好了

425
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:06,840
‎那很好

426
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:10,920
‎對，我試著成為更好的人

427
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,680
‎從原本的我，妳知道的

428
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,320
‎差點要自殺的我

429
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,160
‎要不是我的狗，我早就死了
‎所以小有進步了

430
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,720
‎好，真棒，謝謝你告訴我

431
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,760
‎在你的生活中，狗是唯一的好事

432
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:24,760
‎真是的

433
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,520
‎我沒有那麼說吧？

434
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,760
‎妳看過我以前的樣子
‎我對每個人都很糟糕

435
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,160
‎我討厭每一個人，知道為什麼嗎？

436
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,440
‎因為他們沒有死於癌症，像莉莎一樣

437
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,760
‎包括我，我討厭我自己
‎因為我沒有死

438
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,800
‎我寧可明天就用我的命換她復活

439
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,040
‎抱歉

440
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:45,920
‎莉莎得了癌症？

441
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,240
‎不，現在沒有了

442
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,200
‎那就好

443
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:55,760
‎因為我愛那個女孩

444
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:57,760
‎我最疼她了

445
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,160
‎我無法忍受她出了什麼事

446
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:05,880
‎對

447
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,280
‎用餐愉快

448
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,760
‎哇！

449
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:19,720
‎我餓死了

450
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:22,960
‎哇！

451
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:24,200
‎太燙嗎？

452
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,720
‎這也太噁心了！

453
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:30,280
‎是嗎？

454
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,800
‎莉莎以前會假裝很好吃

455
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,640
‎對，但是莉莎很愛你！

456
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:39,240
‎她確實是

457
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,480
‎-不，我不是…
‎-不，妳說得很對

458
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,680
‎她說謊是要鼓勵好的行為
‎至少我努力過了

459
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,640
‎女人比男人好

460
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,280
‎她們不斷努力
‎要讓男人提升到她們的標準

461
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,360
‎我是說…
‎你是唯一煮過飯給我吃的男人

462
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,680
‎所以基本上，這是男人替妳煮過
‎最棒的一餐了

463
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:04,360
‎所以…

464
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,480
‎到底有多難吃？

465
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,240
‎這樣說好了

466
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:13,160
‎這是今天我放進嘴巴的東西中
‎最糟的一件

467
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:14,840
‎-我今天生意可好了
‎-好

468
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,080
‎對

469
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,440
‎少了她，我一無是處
‎從過去到未來都是

470
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,240
‎你不是…別這麼說，你不是一無是處

471
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,760
‎並非少了她，我無法做任何事
‎而是我根本不想做

472
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:27,880
‎那已經沒有樂趣了

473
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:29,400
‎以前我回到家中

474
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:34,720
‎她會在廚房…煮東西、切菜

475
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,000
‎餵狗，問我一天過得如何

476
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,480
‎給我建議之類的
‎如果她說：“拿鹽巴給我”

477
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,760
‎我會說：“要命
‎什麼事都要我做嗎？”

478
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:47,840
‎我好想她

479
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,080
‎妳想過認真談一段感情嗎？

480
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,200
‎我想要你擁有過的

481
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,920
‎-婚姻，還有…
‎-所以…

482
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,600
‎接下來是我要講的重點

483
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,120
‎有個傢伙對妳很有好感

484
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,400
‎他想和妳見面

485
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,920
‎妳喜歡穿制服的男人嗎？

486
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,120
‎-不是警察吧？
‎-不是

487
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:19,600
‎軍人？

488
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:20,560
‎郵差

489
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,160
‎-他有什麼毛病？
‎-坦白說，我不知從何說起

490
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,720
‎-搞屁啊！
‎-不

491
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,920
‎他要我把他講得差一點

492
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:31,720
‎-真謙虛
‎-並不是

493
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,760
‎-不…
‎-好

494
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:35,760
‎他長什麼樣子？

495
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,800
‎有…鬍子

496
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:39,080
‎像文青嗎？

497
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,120
‎比較像文青的始祖

498
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,480
‎-嬉皮？
‎-遊民

499
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,480
‎-遊民並沒有不對
‎-妳真是覺醒青年

500
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:49,720
‎所以呢？

501
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:51,960
‎妳覺得呢？

502
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,600
‎好吧

503
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,680
‎就告訴他…關於我的一切

504
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,800
‎-這樣才不會尷尬
‎-好

505
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,800
‎-好極了
‎-好極了

506
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:05,200
‎他肯定樂壞了

507
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:06,440
‎太棒了

508
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,760
‎我必須走了，因為我真的需要吃東西

509
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:12,760
‎才有力氣去工作

510
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,720
‎不，妳說得對，沒關係

511
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,720
‎-我真抱歉！
‎-不，沒事的

512
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,000
‎妳可以自己出去
‎因為我要吃光我煮的兩人餐

513
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,920
‎-抱歉，謝謝你
‎-沒關係

514
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,960
‎-改天見
‎-改天見，親愛的

515
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,120
‎我會轉告郵差

516
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,200
‎-改天見
‎-改天見

517
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,160
‎媽，妳有沒有看到我的雜耍球？

518
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,760
‎可能還在你上回放的地方，孩子

519
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,920
‎我以為妳收到別的地方去了

520
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:46,760
‎我之前在廚房有看到

521
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,880
‎對，我原本在那裡練習

522
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,600
‎很好，晚安，兒子

523
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:55,320
‎晚安，媽咪

524
00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,640
‎晚安，蘭尼

525
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,080
‎我可以叫你爸爸嗎？

526
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:02,360
‎-現在不行
‎-好吧

527
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:03,840
‎晚安

528
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:05,840
‎晚安

529
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:18,400
‎你這個傻瓜

530
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,520
‎我專屬的小光頭

531
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:22,040
‎誰最愛你，寶貝？

532
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:23,120
‎是妳

533
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:24,920
‎傻瓜

534
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:27,040
‎妳可以和我說

535
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:31,240
‎還有…

536
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:33,920
‎妳看起來再美不過了

537
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,080
‎哦，親愛的！

538
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,800
‎字幕翻譯：陳彬彬