1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,800 [Tony and Lisa laughing] 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:11,240 [Lisa] They do make it look easy, don't they, on the telly? 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:12,560 -[Tony] On the Olympics? -Yeah. 4 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:15,240 [Tony] Yeah. I don't think you'll make it this year. 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:16,320 -No? -[Tony] No. 6 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,240 -Oh God. -Oh my God! 7 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,960 -[Tony] Yeah. -We're just going around. 8 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,720 -[Tony] People are looking. -They're not! 9 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:25,160 [Tony] People are looking at me and going, "Aw." 10 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,000 No, they're looking at me and going, "Aw." 11 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:30,040 [Tony] They're going, "Look at him. He's trying to help her, but she's--" 12 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:31,800 -He's not trying to help her! -[Tony laughs] 13 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:36,760 He's just laughing at her and filming her! That's not helping! 14 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:42,760 -Hi. -Hi. 15 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,400 The back door was open so I just came in. 16 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,720 -Good. Hungry? -[Emma] Yes. 17 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,520 -Where do you wanna we go? -Somewhere quick. 18 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,360 -Got to be at work at 10:00. -Okay. 19 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,560 Do you want to go rowing sometime? 20 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,080 -Rowing? -Yes. 21 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,040 Just for a laugh, on the boating pond? 22 00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:58,920 Boating pond? Why? 23 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,600 Don't know. I just thought it might be something you might quite like to do. 24 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:04,680 Not really. 25 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,680 See you later! 26 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:07,640 Come on, Em. 27 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,640 ["The Things We Do For Love" playing] 28 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:32,000 ♪ Too many broken hearts Have fallen in the river ♪ 29 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:36,080 ♪ Too many lonely souls Have drifted out to sea ♪ 30 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,520 ♪ You lay your bets And then you pay the price ♪ 31 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,800 ♪ The things we do for love ♪ 32 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:43,920 ♪ The things we do for love ♪ 33 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:50,040 ♪ Communication is the problem To the answer ♪ 34 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:54,360 ♪ You've got her number And your hand is on the phone ♪ 35 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,760 ♪ The weather's turned And all the lines are down ♪ 36 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,920 ♪ The things we do for love ♪ 37 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,360 ♪ The things we do for love ♪ 38 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:07,800 ♪ Like walking in the rain and the snow When there's no where to go ♪ 39 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,600 ♪ When you're feeling Like a part of you is dying ♪ 40 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:16,040 ♪ And you're looking for the answer In her eyes ♪ 41 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,240 ♪ You think you're gonna break up ♪ 42 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:22,360 ♪ Then she says she wants to make up ♪ 43 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:26,280 ♪ Ooh, you make me love you ♪ 44 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,680 ♪ Ooh, you've got a way ♪ 45 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,320 ♪ Ooh, you had me crawling ♪ 46 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,880 ♪ Up the wall ♪ 47 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,080 [music stops] 48 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:57,480 -Morning. -Morning. 49 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:01,360 You ready? 50 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:02,480 Oh, hold on. 51 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,200 You all right? 52 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,480 -What? -Sit down. 53 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,200 "What?" What kind of greeting is that? Hello. 54 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:15,920 -Wanna come over later-- -No. 55 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:16,880 I haven't finished. 56 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,840 To the house for some dinner. 57 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,240 You could bring Emma. Do a foursome or something. 58 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,440 Me and Emma aren't a twosome. 59 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,400 That's fine. I just mean there'll be four of us. 60 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,080 Right. Well, I'll bring Brian, then, if it's purely mathematical. 61 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,840 God. Nothing is simple with you, is it? 62 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,640 Just bring your nice, platonic friend Emma. 63 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,680 We'll have a nice, grown-up time. 64 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,080 I'll be honest, it'd be good for us. Me and Jill. 65 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,960 It's fun having people over, isn't it? We don't get out much and-- 66 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,760 Well, I think that was part of the problem with the little hiccup in our marriage. 67 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,640 What? Not having people over? 68 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,040 -No. You know what I mean. -No. 69 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,680 Okay, get this, yeah? [scoffs] 70 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,240 Jill thinks I'm not very adventurous. Can you believe that? 71 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:02,160 Yeah. 72 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,120 But seriously. 73 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,600 It's ridiculous. I've got two cagoules. 74 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,120 Why would I need those if I wasn't adventurous? 75 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:14,160 Or you could say, how adventurous is a man who doesn't like getting his hair wet? 76 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,680 I've been looking at camping gear. 77 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,360 -Wow. -I'm probably gonna buy those boots. 78 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,160 Come on, come over. Please. 79 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,920 Help me prove her wrong. I feel a bit misunderstood. 80 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:26,880 Go on Oprah. 81 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,320 Is there any way to prove her wrong without me being involved? 82 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,840 It's not a big deal! You don't even have to stay long. 83 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:36,200 Just you and Emma come over, we have some fun, done. 84 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,760 -Don't you have to warn Jill? -No, spontaneous. 85 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:46,000 I mean, I will call her now and tell her. Otherwise she'll get in a bit of a tizz. 86 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,680 She'll want to get ready and we don't usually do a big sit-down meal. 87 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:53,880 Eat before you come, and then we'll just, you know, have some drinks, 88 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,160 put on some tracks, have a few laughs. 89 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,600 There'll be no laughter. 90 00:04:58,280 --> 00:04:59,200 7:30? 91 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,360 I'm usually on my second bottle of wine by then. 92 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,280 Okay, perfect. You can drink it at my place. 93 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,560 -Right. -Yeah? 94 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,480 -Okay. -Great. 95 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:06,760 If Emma's up for it. 96 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,320 -Oh. -Thank you. 97 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,200 [Tony] Oh fucking hell. 98 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,120 -I can hear you. -I know. 99 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,480 -Wait 'til you're out of the office to-- -Come on. 100 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,080 What a shit day already. 101 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:32,840 -Hiya. -Hiya. 102 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,160 How's it going with your friend, Tony? 103 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:39,080 Hmm. Well, exactly that, really. We're just friends. 104 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,480 Even that's a bit tense at times, to be honest. 105 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,400 We haven't even taken a selfie together. 106 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:46,960 Oh. 107 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,000 Well, he must be mad not to pay you more attention. 108 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,000 Right. 109 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,880 I thought it would be nice to document my 50th novel. 110 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,440 Fifty? Wow. How long have you been writing? 111 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,880 Oh, been writing all my life, dear. It's all I've ever wanted to do. 112 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,680 Wrote my first published novel when I was 15 113 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,480 and I've written at least one a year ever since. 114 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,160 Wow. Who is your publisher? 115 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:12,840 Self-published, dear. 116 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,680 I designed the cover and everything. It's very professional. 117 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,760 Not in a-- Not in a money-making sense. 118 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,720 I've actually lost money, but, you know, it's a passion, isn't it? 119 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,560 -Yep. -I've got to leave something behind. 120 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,520 I never married or had children or anything, so, you know… 121 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,240 How do you make your money though? 122 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,440 I'm a medium. 123 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:32,640 Right. 124 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:37,280 I read people's auras or palms or crystal balls, tea leaves, anything. 125 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,040 But this is my passion. Novels. 126 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,960 And they're all about one person, are they? 127 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:45,920 [Penny] Yes. 128 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,240 Dr. Barnaby Love, MD. 129 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,280 I combine medical drama with erotic fiction. 130 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:55,320 "Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed." 131 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:59,640 Why is it "Dr. Barnaby Love, MD, in Two in a Deathbed"? 132 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:04,360 Well, I always hoped it'd be picked up as a long-running series, like Columbo. 133 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,760 But sadly not. 134 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,600 Mm, my first choice, back in the day, was Roger Moore, 135 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,480 but nowadays it would probably be someone like George Clooney. 136 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:16,000 I mean, he's played a doctor, hasn't he? He'd know what he was doing. 137 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,480 Probably knows more than me. 138 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,760 You haven't had any medical training? 139 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:20,840 No. 140 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,120 -How do you get the technical stuff right? -Eh, just pick things up. 141 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:26,920 Sure. 142 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,400 Would you like me to read a bit from my latest one? 143 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:31,320 Yeah. 144 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:33,600 Open Wide. 145 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,840 Not that bit. That's filth. 146 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,680 Let's have a look. Here's a good bit. 147 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,280 So Dr. Barnaby is, um, operating on someone 148 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,760 that all the top surgeons in the world said could not be saved. 149 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,680 But Dr. Barnaby disagrees. 150 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,320 Okay. "Nurse Stacey mopped his brow." 151 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,720 "'Is that better, Doctor?'" 152 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,080 "Their eyes meet over the masks you have to wear in operating theaters." 153 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,160 "'Please, call me Barnaby.'" 154 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,200 "She blushes. 'Okay, we're going in!'" 155 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,000 "He injects the medicine into the patient's main artery." 156 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,080 "'That should do the trick,' said Barnaby. 'Okay, stitch him up, Nurse.'" 157 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,880 "'Dinner later?' 'Ooh, yes, please,' she said. 'See you at 8.'" 158 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,000 There. 159 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,200 -Does he live? -Who, dear? 160 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,400 The patient. 161 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,560 Oh, I didn't say. Didn't bother with that. 162 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,640 I'm sure he's fine if they got the medicine into the main artery. 163 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:24,560 Exactly. 164 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:28,360 I wonder why all the top surgeons around the world didn't think of that. 165 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,680 Eh, Dr. Barnaby's special, isn't he? 166 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,440 He's best in the world. 167 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,200 A randy bugger, too, which never hurts. 168 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,960 -Good. Take a picture. -Yep. 169 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,320 Smile. 170 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,280 Ooh. 171 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:43,760 Great. 172 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,280 -Will this be in next week's paper, dear? -Yep. 173 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,280 Could you mention that I'm doing a live reading and book signing 174 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,280 at the Tambury Fair? 175 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:52,520 Sure. 176 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,240 Oh, good. And do bring your wife along. It's mostly for women. 177 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,680 I, uh-- I don't have a wife. 178 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,400 Oh, gay? Even better. 179 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,040 I'm not gay. Just-- 180 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:04,720 I, uh-- 181 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:05,880 I lost my wife. 182 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:06,920 Oh, I'm sorry. 183 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,120 Would you like to contact her? 184 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,360 With all my heart. 185 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,800 -Okay. Well-- -[Tony] No, I mean-- 186 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:14,880 I-- I don't-- 187 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,440 I don't believe in all that. But-- But thank you. 188 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:19,600 This is for you. 189 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,880 Open Wide, though. 190 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,560 I mean, in this context, that only means one thing. 191 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:26,680 -Yeah. -Doesn't it? 192 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:27,800 [chuckles] 193 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,320 I-- I hate that. 194 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,080 He knew we were crossing the road, but he had to save that ten seconds 195 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,840 'cause he's got such an important job as a full-time cunt! 196 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,200 I always wish I had a brick to put through the fucking window. 197 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,160 [Lenny] That'd be the last piece of the jigsaw. 198 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:47,400 You actually carrying a brick around with you, 199 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:48,960 hovering around zebra crossings. 200 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,280 It'd be a social service. I'd be like Batman. 201 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:52,200 But mental. 202 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,280 Yeah. Maybe I'm not grieving. 203 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,920 Maybe I'm just an arsehole. I just like punishing people. 204 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,080 Classic vigilante story, innit? 205 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,520 I am like Batman, or Dexter. 206 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,120 He was a serial killer, but his dad taught him only to kill bad people, 207 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,640 but he was just mental. 208 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:07,880 Or Spider-Man. 209 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,800 His uncle got killed and he went fucking sorting out bad people, didn't he? 210 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,440 Didn't he get bitten by a spider? I don't remember the uncle bit. 211 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,600 Yeah, and then he made himself a poncy little outfit. 212 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:21,880 I wouldn't bother with that. I'd just wear my own clothes. So, uh-- 213 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,400 Also, I would fucking batter Spider-Man. 214 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,560 Puny little twat in tight kids pajamas? 215 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:31,480 -He's got Spidey senses though. -Yeah? Stomp! Squashed! 216 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,840 "Dr. Barnaby leaned back on his leather office chair, thoughtful." 217 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:42,200 "He was worried about a patient who had the worst brain tumor he had ever seen." 218 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,600 "There was a knock at the door. 'Come in,' said Dr. Barnaby." 219 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,360 "The door opened to reveal Nurse Cindy, 220 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,520 the most attractive nurse in the hospital." Obviously. 221 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,200 "'Oh sorry,' she said. 'The ladies changing rooms are out of order, 222 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,000 so I wondered if I could change here, as you're a doctor.'" 223 00:10:58,080 --> 00:10:59,760 "'Of course,' said Dr. Barnaby." 224 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,160 "'I'm a surgeon, 225 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:02,560 so a naked female body 226 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,560 isn't the same as it would be to the average red-blooded male.'" 227 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:06,880 I can't read any more. 228 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,280 -Read it. -No, you read it. 229 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:09,720 Oh God. 230 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,800 "Nurse Cindy starts to slowly undress. She was sexy as hell, 231 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,320 and she notices Dr. Barnaby looking at her differently 232 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,320 than he would if he was operating on her." 233 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,520 -[laughs] -[Valerie] "'Do I look well, Doctor?'" 234 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,960 "'I'll say,' said Dr. Barnaby." 235 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,080 "'Think you'd better check my pulse, Nurse.'" [laughs] 236 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,000 It's sort of sweet, really. Sort of old-fashioned and hopeful. 237 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:31,560 And she's a fortune teller too. 238 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,040 -She said she is, yeah. -Why would she lie? 239 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,000 -'Cause it's impossible. -Nothing's impossible. 240 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:38,160 I'm out. 241 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:42,040 Just 'cause you haven't seen something doesn't mean it isn't real. 242 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,440 What if no one's seen it? 243 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,000 Could be invisible. 244 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,760 -Yeah. -Could I visit her? 245 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,120 You know, to investigate it? 246 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,080 -If you want. -I'd go in with an open mind. 247 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,040 You know, if you go in thinking it isn't real, then you'll never believe. 248 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,520 Should I arrange that, then? 249 00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:58,880 Yeah. 250 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,360 Now I wish I was covering the story. 251 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:04,800 Oh, here he is. 252 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,680 I told you to wait outside. 253 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:13,160 He's giving me a lift to a meeting. We're not an item, obviously. 254 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,240 I just like turning up in a Rolls-Royce. He knows that, don't you? 255 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,240 -Yeah. -[Kath] Yeah, works out well. 256 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,920 -What's in it for you, Colin? -People think he's got a girlfriend. 257 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,680 But he knows that can never be the case. Shame. 258 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,960 What, with the Rolls-Royce and him being a self-made millionaire and a nice bloke, 259 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,400 it would've been perfect, if not for the obvious. 260 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,000 -What? -The face! Duh. 261 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:41,080 Yeah, the face. Even my mum calls me the ugly one. 262 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,480 And you're okay with that, Colin? 263 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,240 It's heartbreaking. 264 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:47,640 I'm destroyed. 265 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,440 I used to wish I was dead growing up. But what can you do? 266 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:56,240 Exactly, and that is why I want everyone to know he's not my boyfriend. 267 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,360 Maybe you should wear a chauffeur's hat. 268 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,400 Or a chauffeur's mask. 269 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:06,320 -She fancied him for a bit, didn't she? -[Tony] She did, Colin. She did. 270 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,840 She's obviously got a type. 271 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,040 [Kath] Anyway, come on, we'll be late. 272 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,120 Come on. 273 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,400 Like a dog. 274 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,400 -Could you get back to work, please? -No way. It's not worth it. 275 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,000 [Matt] Please. Come on. Wasted enough time. 276 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,160 [Brian] Hey, here's a new one. 277 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,240 -What's worse than a maggot in your apple? -Dunno. 278 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,760 Finding your ex-wife in Safeway's car park 279 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,360 getting gangbanged by some Dutch lorry drivers. 280 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,760 Yeah, finding a maggot in your apple's nothing after that, boy. Trust me. 281 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,160 Anyway, I'm gonna start taking my comedy a little bit more seriously. 282 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,640 Life has kicked the shit out of me in recent years, 283 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,320 but I've reached rock bottom so the only way is up, innit? 284 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:04,000 Yeah. As for me, like, Ken's getting me a couple of auditions here and there. 285 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,560 Like small bits and stuff like that. 286 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:06,520 -Shit. -What? 287 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,400 [Brian] I can't believe it. 288 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,800 My ex-wife and Micky the Gypsy. 289 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:12,360 [James] Is he violent? 290 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,160 Absolutely psycho. 291 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,800 Mind you, I've seen her bottle a traffic warden. Aye. 292 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,640 You do the mathematics. 293 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,360 Heya. 294 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:26,240 -All right? -All right. 295 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,120 All right, Micky? Yeah? 296 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,720 James, this is Micky. And this is my ex-wife, Elizabeth. 297 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,920 [James] Hiya. 298 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,120 -[Elizabeth] All right? -Still together, then? 299 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,400 On and off, yeah. 300 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,240 [Micky] She was shagging Spud Head for a while. 301 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,200 He caught us at it, didn't you? 302 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:45,800 Awkward. 303 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,120 It wasn't awkward. 304 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,400 Gave me the excuse to smash the granny out of the cunt. 305 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:54,600 Bloodbath, wasn't it? 306 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,120 Proper mess. 307 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,920 -Turned out quite well, really. -[Mickey] You know me. 308 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,920 I like to look at things in a positive way. 309 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,280 I know you do, mate. 310 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,720 My problem is I just want to try and please everyone. 311 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,360 She's a slag, mate. 312 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:10,600 He knows. 313 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,960 You well though? You well though? 314 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:14,920 Can't complain. 315 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,520 Anyway, always nice to see you. 316 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,280 I'll just, uh, see you later. 317 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,320 -Be lucky. -[Brian] Yeah. 318 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,240 Bye. 319 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,320 We'll, uh, ease past Elizabeth's hip. 320 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,960 -Yeah, do the one-wheel trick. -That's it. 321 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,440 That's how pathetic your best mate is, James. 322 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,000 -You are not pathetic, sir! -Proper loser. 323 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,320 -Not compared to me though. -You're joking, aren't you? 324 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,800 -No. -You can sing, dance. 325 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,720 Play two recorders with your nose. You can knit. You're great with wool. 326 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:52,600 You're great with wool. 327 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,160 If you're a loser, what chance have the rest of us got? 328 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,240 Cheers, mate. 329 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,320 Do you wanna go up the tip? See if there's any action? 330 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,080 You betcha! I've got to swing by my agent's first, if that's all right. 331 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,040 -[Brian] I'll come with you, boy. -[James] Right. 332 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:16,800 All right? 333 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:18,360 Yes. 334 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,160 I was just saying to Stan you'd be along soon. 335 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,160 Right. 336 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:24,960 -Good day at work? -Yep. 337 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,240 -You still talk to him? -[Anne] Every day. 338 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,640 Not just here. Everywhere. 339 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,920 I don't get funny looks at home though. 340 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:38,840 It really helps. 341 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,480 Saying it out loud, I mean. 342 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,160 You hear yourself. 343 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:51,520 Yeah, I've never been one for talking to myself. I'd probably argue. 344 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,240 [chuckles] You wouldn't be talking to yourself. 345 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,040 No. 346 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,600 I do feel like she's still here. 347 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,600 And it's like I'm in two minds. 348 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,560 One knows the truth. 349 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:07,720 She died. 350 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:09,640 Logical. 351 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,000 There's no heaven. No reincarnation, no ghosts. 352 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,240 I know that. 353 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,840 But then I feel her 354 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:22,480 inside me. 355 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:24,360 All the time. 356 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,160 Like she's still part of me, guiding me. 357 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,160 [sighs] It's weird. 358 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,160 That's because you're human, 359 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,160 and nothing really makes sense. 360 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,680 Look at you, Kierkegaard. 361 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,360 It's okay to have feelings, you know. 362 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,000 Things that aren't logical. 363 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,520 Science makes us understand how to stay alive longer. 364 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,480 Feelings give us the reason to want to. 365 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,640 Or not want to. 366 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,440 I was doing so well. 367 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,280 [laughs] 368 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:09,480 I'm fine. 369 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,080 [chuckles] 370 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,200 Hmm. 371 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,080 -Mum. -Hello, darling. What are you doing here? 372 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,960 I'm here for a business meeting. 373 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,480 -[June] Aw, bless ya. -What are you doing here? 374 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,120 -She's doing my highlights. -Yeah, helping out. 375 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,480 Never mind that. What are we gonna do with you? 376 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,600 Still delivering local newspapers? What's he like? 377 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,120 Well, I've got to earn money. Mum says I'm old enough now to pay rent. 378 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,680 It's only fair, isn't it, Ken? 379 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,200 Oh, hanging round with losers though? 380 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,640 -No offense. -None taken. 381 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,000 Me and Brian are a team. 382 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,880 -He wants representation too. -For what? 383 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,760 -To pursue his stand-up. -[Brian] Big time. 384 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,160 I'm ready. I wanna go for it. 385 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,440 I'm tired of having my confidence destroyed 386 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:57,720 and being useless. 387 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:58,760 You are useless though. 388 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,160 You've got absolutely no chance of getting anywhere in comedy. 389 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,400 I can feel my bravado ebbing away. 390 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,240 [James] You said you could make anyone a star. 391 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:07,600 I'm not bloody magic! 392 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,080 -He's not bloody magic, mate. -I'd be wasting my time on that. 393 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,840 -Pointless, innit? -That's not the attitude! 394 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,160 -Oh, is it not? -No, it isn't! 395 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:14,840 -You do it, then. -I will! 396 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,720 Good! Keep you busy, 'cause I can't get you any work at all. 397 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:18,640 Brilliant. 398 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,640 -[June] Don't matter though. -What doesn't? 399 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:22,840 Being a loser. 400 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,400 I still love ya. 401 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:27,600 That's nice. 402 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,800 -Oh, all right? -[Brian] Yeah, you? 403 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,800 Yeah. You know, bearing up under the circumstances. 404 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,440 -What circumstances? -Well, Roxy. 405 00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,040 What's happened to Roxy? 406 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,000 -You know. -[Brian] No, what? 407 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,920 -Well, she's my bird now, isn't she? -Yeah. 408 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:05,720 And? 409 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,480 And she's sucking off blokes left, right, and center, isn't she? 410 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:09,400 Oh, right. 411 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:11,320 I don't know. 412 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,480 -You do know 'cause I'm telling ya. -Yeah, but why? 413 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,400 -It plays on my mind. -Okay, right. 414 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,160 I don't know what you want me to say. 415 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,480 [sighs] 416 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:22,400 Gas bill. 417 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:23,840 Right. 418 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:26,720 See ya. 419 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:29,600 [Brian] See ya. 420 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,000 [Brian sighs] 421 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:42,840 [Brian] Ugh. 422 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,680 It's nice, innit, just to-- 423 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,720 -just to sit down. -[laughs] 424 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,160 -End of the day. -Yeah. 425 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,560 I've actually been sat down most of the day at the-- 426 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,200 You weren't wearing a pink jumper at work though, were you? 427 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,440 It's not. It's salmon. 428 00:20:58,520 --> 00:20:59,760 Salmon pink, yeah. 429 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,120 With no T-shirt on underneath. Interesting. 430 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,320 Just like the feel of wool against your skin? 431 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,040 Well, it's merino wool, so it's super soft. Um-- 432 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,440 -You were a bit hot. -I did have a T-shirt on, yeah. 433 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:14,400 So I thought, 434 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,080 "T-shirt off, jumper on." 435 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,560 -[Brian] Sure. -And never looked back. 436 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,000 Oh, um, 437 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,600 -Jill got you a house plant. -I mean, it's for both of you. 438 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,200 How can a house plant be for both of us? 439 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,880 -I live alone. -Well, I just-- 440 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,400 I can look at it when I come round. 441 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,800 Um, she was just being polite, okay? 442 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,800 -So Emma didn't feel left out. -[Brian] Right. 443 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:42,360 Thank you. 444 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,080 Don't water it too much. Um-- 445 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:49,480 It's a cactus, so-- 446 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,520 I like your painting. 447 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,360 It's one of Lisa's. 448 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,960 -It's not one of her best. -What do you mean? 449 00:21:58,040 --> 00:21:59,880 -No, I just-- -If you don't like it, I'll have it. 450 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:03,000 I do like it. I'm just saying that's how good an artist she was, 451 00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:04,560 that it's not one of her best. 452 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:07,520 -Right. -Please don't be like this, okay? 453 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,720 Uh, I think I'm gonna go. 454 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,880 -Okay, am I coming with you? -No. 455 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,960 I'm not in the mood. I knew I wouldn't be. But, no, seriously, stay. 456 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,480 Uh, I'll be fine. 457 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:24,480 Thank you. 458 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:29,240 -Uh, I-- -[Emma laughs nervously] 459 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:31,520 I'm so sorry about that. 460 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:33,880 He's still not well. 461 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,440 He's fine. 462 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:40,640 He's obviously still in love with Lisa, and I'm never gonna be a substitute, 463 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,160 and I think he wants everyone to know that. 464 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,080 -We think you're so-- -Cool. 465 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,160 -Great for-- -Very-- Very good. 466 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:52,520 -Patient. -And kind. 467 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:55,400 -Well, I'm a grown-up. [chuckles] -[Matt chuckles] 468 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:11,720 [wheels squeal] 469 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,480 Don't overwater it. 470 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:19,520 Cunt. 471 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:45,120 ♪ Snow lightly falling On the collar of my coat ♪ 472 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:50,320 ♪ Silence lies heavy on the pines… ♪ 473 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,000 Thoughts? 474 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:56,240 [Tony] Best snowman ever! 475 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,120 -Snowperson! -[Tony] Oh. Yeah. 476 00:23:58,200 --> 00:23:59,320 -Yeah. -[Tony] My bad. 477 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,320 -Could be either gender. -Mm-hmm. 478 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,040 {\an8}[Tony] With a carrot for her massive cock. 479 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:06,880 [laughs] 480 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,800 -Correct! -[Tony] You hadn't thought it through. 481 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,840 Picking me up on sexist language! 482 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,080 {\an8}It's a lovely cock. 483 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,640 [both laugh] 484 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:18,440 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 485 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:21,400 ♪ Back to the beginning again? ♪ 486 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,720 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 487 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,800 ♪ Back to the beginning? ♪ 488 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,960 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 489 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,720 ♪ Back to the beginning again? ♪ 490 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:38,920 ♪ Some place back Where we were just beginning? ♪ 491 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,200 ♪ We were just beginning ♪ 492 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,760 ♪ I'm sorry, son ♪ 493 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,800 ♪ I never told you Which way you should go ♪ 494 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:04,600 ♪ I was taught You gotta learn that on your own ♪ 495 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,280 ♪ But now here in this moment ♪ 496 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:12,400 ♪ Listening to you on the phone ♪ 497 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:17,480 ♪ It occurs to me You must have felt alone ♪ 498 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,760 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 499 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,640 ♪ Back to the beginning again? ♪ 500 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,280 ♪ Can I go back there? ♪ 501 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:29,720 ♪ Back to the beginning? ♪