1 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:08,840 -[Tony] Boing. -[Lisa] Boing. 2 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,920 -[Tony] Boing. -[Lisa laughs] Hang on. 3 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:12,480 [Tony] Boing! 4 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:14,560 [laughs] 5 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:15,480 [Tony] Boing! 6 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,280 -[Matt] Do you think she likes it? -[Tony] Boing! 7 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:19,320 Yeah. 8 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:20,960 -[Jill] Look at her face. -[Tony] Boing! 9 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,840 -[Jill] Oh, I want a dog. -No. 10 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,400 Yeah, let's get a dog. 11 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,840 No, because they don't live that long, do they? 12 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,800 -Then it's really sad-- -What? 13 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,160 Sorry, Brandy, but it's true that-- 14 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,040 you know, it's just incredibly upsetting when dogs die. 15 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:38,640 [Tony] Yeah, I mean-- Which brings me to my next point, Dad. 16 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,720 It's getting to that time when we need 17 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:43,000 to start thinking about your funeral, mate. 18 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:46,640 [gasps] Leave him alone! You've got 20 years, Ray. 19 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:49,400 -I hope not. -What sort of a question is that? 20 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,560 [Tony] Well, we need to know, don't we? 21 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:52,880 Well, what about you? 22 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,520 [Tony] Don't care. You? 23 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,480 I wanna be buried in the churchyard. 24 00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,720 And then people can bring flowers every day and cry. 25 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:03,320 [Tony] For the first couple of days maybe. Then it's, "Oh, fuck it, it's raining." 26 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,400 -[Jill laughs] That's nice. -Cremated. 27 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:09,200 [Tony] See? Yeah. Exactly. No fuss. Not selfish. 28 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:13,680 And I want you to scatter my ashes in Midlake, where I met your mum. 29 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:17,440 [Tony] Yeah, I'm not going all the way to Midlake just for that, I'll be honest. 30 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,960 -It's only an hour or so drive. -[Tony] Yeah, I don't drive, do I? 31 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:24,280 Well, it's my last request! [laughs] 32 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:27,760 [Tony] So? Okay, I'll say yes now, but then you won't know, will you? 33 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,080 -I just won't bother when it comes to it. -Where in Midlake, Ray? 34 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,640 Uh, The Traveler's Friend. 35 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:35,840 A lovely old pub. I proposed there as well. 36 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:39,040 -[Tony] It's probably a phone shop now. -What do you think about that? 37 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,840 Your only son won't drive up the road to scatter your ashes. 38 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,360 -He'll do it. He's a good boy. -Aw. 39 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,440 [slow music playing] 40 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,400 [dog whimpers] 41 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,120 Oh, hi. You all right? 42 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,640 What do you think? 43 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:06,960 -No? -Correct. 44 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:10,720 It's getting too much. What can I do? 45 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,720 I dunno. You knew what she did for a living. You were all right with it. 46 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:19,200 But I didn't think she'd still be doing it when we became an item. 47 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,320 Doesn't happen in the movies, does it? 48 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,120 Richard Gere doesn't turn up in a white limousine 49 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:25,920 and climb up the fire escape 50 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,000 and Julia Roberts says, "Oh, can you give us a sec?" 51 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,400 "I'm just sucking off Bobby Chang, the dry cleaner." 52 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,400 -How do you know she sucked him off? -Oh, he told me. 53 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:38,320 He didn't know she was my missus. I didn't say anything. I just felt sick. 54 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:39,920 I was in shock. 55 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,360 I just feel so depressed. 56 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:46,240 -Well, maybe you should talk to her. -[Pat] I can't! I feel stupid. 57 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,000 Why don't you talk to her? 58 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,480 No, definitely not! I haven't seen her for ages. 59 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,840 She doesn't come around now. I assumed she was busy. 60 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,480 Oh yeah, she's busy all right. 61 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:56,000 Sure. 62 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,600 -Well, you should talk to someone. -I am. 63 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,160 -I'm not qualified-- -Yes, you are. 64 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:05,200 You were depressed and suicidal, weren't you? 65 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,880 -You're not suicidal, are you? -No, couldn't be arsed. 66 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,800 -Good. -Come on, help us out. It's your fault! 67 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:11,920 Oh, right. 68 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:12,920 Oh, please? 69 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,200 [scoffs] 70 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,560 Let me have a think. Fuck's sake! 71 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:19,840 Go on. 72 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,800 [piano music playing] 73 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,840 -Hi. -[Emma] Hi. 74 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:37,320 Um, 75 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,640 I've decided to go on a little trip to scatter my dad's ashes. 76 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,520 Oh, that's sweet. Where? 77 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,600 Um, a little village where he proposed to Mum. 78 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,720 His last wish and all that. 79 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,440 My ashes? 80 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,920 No, not your ashes. 81 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,200 You're not dead yet, are you? 82 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:01,040 Also, you're not my dad, remember? 83 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,520 Uh, am I adopted? 84 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,680 Fuck me, it's like I've got a replacement. 85 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,120 That would probably work out quite well 'cause his own son never sees him. 86 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,440 Barely had time to stick him in here before he emigrated to Australia. 87 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,840 -[Tony] Yeah? -Okay? 88 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,720 -Oh. -Life's cruel. [sighs] 89 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,640 [Emma] Drink it up, then. Yeah. 90 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,680 Hey. Hey. Hmm. 91 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:22,600 Okay? 92 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,240 [groans] 93 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,920 That was touch and go. Like a goldfish on the carpet. 94 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,480 -Where? -No, there's no-- 95 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:34,400 There we go. 96 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:35,680 -[Emma chuckles] -[chuckles] 97 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:42,960 How's your new place? 98 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:46,280 Uh, well, I'm grateful to Ken. 99 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,880 But, like, you know, he's not charging me, and it is better than living at home, but 100 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,080 he keeps coming round looking for me. 101 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:58,080 Honestly, I hear him on the stairs and I just freeze, 102 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,200 and then he tries the door and then I'm just-- 103 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:04,920 I've started staying quiet until he goes away. I'm living like Anne Frank. 104 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,280 [laughs] 105 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,480 You'll find somewhere better. 106 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:08,560 Hmm. 107 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,720 Hello, darling. I'm Ratty. This is the Nonce. 108 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:15,040 All right? We're here about a story. We do a podcast. 109 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,720 -Oy, oy. Here he is. -Hey! Hey! 110 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,520 Remember us, son? You want to cover our story in your paper. 111 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,800 We do a podcast with your ex-shrink, you fucking psycho! [laughs] 112 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,280 You're psychiatrists? 113 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,040 No, not us! No, we're in finance. 114 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,360 But the thing we share is that we're men, 115 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:31,960 and we're proud of it. 116 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:36,360 And that's what the podcast is all about. It's just encouraging men to be men. 117 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,520 Although it is inclusive. We do get some birds listening in. 118 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,840 Mainly ones that are sick of all this fucking new man bollocks. [laughs] 119 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,720 But we just want to help the world man up. 120 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,800 Listen. We talk about it all day. Why don't we-- 121 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:48,960 Get it out! 122 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:52,400 We'll broadcast on Twitter and show you how we do the work. 123 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:53,480 [Nonce] This is exciting. 124 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,760 [Ratty] Send out a notification to the followers. 125 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:58,720 -Get on the live and here we go. -Tell them we're here. 126 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,040 Hello, you fucking shits! 127 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,200 You dickheads! 128 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,920 We're here at The Tambury Gazette doing an interview. 129 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,280 Say hello, darling. Go on. 130 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:06,200 I'd rather not. 131 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,320 Oh, she's shy! But that's all right. 132 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,160 We're just doing this as a test. Main broadcast tonight. 133 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,320 -[Nonce] Testing. Testing my testicles! -[Ratty] Testing one, two, three. 134 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,240 Testing my testicles all over. Oh my God, they're so full! 135 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:18,960 -They're so full of jizz. -[Ratty laughs] 136 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:19,920 Ooh. 137 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,120 Done a sex wee, all in your in-tray! 138 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,360 Tested my testes all over your nan! 139 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,520 I was all like, "Crack, crack, crack," right in her fucking mooey. 140 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:30,280 She was like, "Oh, thanks, darling. I needed that." 141 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:31,480 "What you been eating?" 142 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,280 Don't worry about that, Nana. 143 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,000 Don't slip over on all that hairy monkey slosh plop. 144 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:39,760 -As for you, gammon_69-- -Okay, guys. Guys! Okay, that's enough. 145 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:43,280 -Come on. This is an office. -"Guys, this is an office!" 146 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,400 Fucking hell, Prince Andrew's kicking off, isn't he? 147 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,000 You fucking rotter! Get back in your fucking box! 148 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,480 -I'm only fucking about. -He's just taking the piss. Don't worry. 149 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,120 Ratty and the Nonce Podcast. Namaste. 150 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,840 Health and well-being section, yeah? 151 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,360 Um, I'll get that written up. Thanks for the scoop. Cheers, boys. 152 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:02,000 [sighs] 153 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:06,840 I was that close to getting a bit physical there. 154 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,240 But violence isn't the answer, so, 155 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,240 definitely not, no. 156 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:25,160 -Getting the hang of how things work? -Yeah, yeah, I think so. Getting there. 157 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,640 Come through. There's a bit more space in here. 158 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,880 Ooh. Has one of you pumped? 159 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,440 -No, that's the house. -Oh. 160 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,440 Brian smells the same. You can sniff him. He smells the same. 161 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,160 Oh, yeah. 162 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,720 -That's your smell, innit? -Yes. 163 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,760 Yeah. Sort of like poo and wee and sweat. 164 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:01,720 And fear and shame. 165 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,160 [chuckles] Mainly shit. 166 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,960 -Whatever works for you, mate. -Cheers. 167 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:08,360 Hmm. 168 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,840 Do you mind if I clear all this junk up, Brian? 169 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,120 Yeah, go for it. 170 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:19,960 Do you mind if I don't watch? 171 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:22,120 Bit emotional. 172 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:26,400 Right. 173 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,480 -Let's get crackin'. -[Brian] Yeah. 174 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:39,840 -Tired? -A little bit. 175 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,560 I won't take long. Um-- 176 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:44,480 So, 177 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:49,080 when did you get banned from the all-you-can-eat buffet? 178 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:50,480 [Ewen] Last month. 179 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,240 Still angry about it. 180 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:57,760 -Sure. And what reason did they give? -Oh, they were perfectly honest. 181 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,920 They said I was putting them out of business. 182 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:01,920 They'd never seen anything like it. 183 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,600 I mean, they'd given me a few warnings for eating too much, but 184 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,520 I said, "How can I eat too much if it's all I can eat'?" 185 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:10,960 Mm. 186 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,920 Good point. And, uh, how often did you go? 187 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,920 Every day. Lunch and dinner. 188 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:17,960 You went twice a day? 189 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,600 No, just once, from lunch until dinner. 190 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,600 Then I was full. And I could hardly walk home some days. 191 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:31,680 And so you went every day for, what, six hours? 192 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,240 Yeah, six or seven hours. I wasn't eating the whole time. 193 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:39,360 I mean, I'd fall asleep now and again, but 194 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,120 I'd wake up if someone came to clear my plate away. 195 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,640 Right, and how much did it cost? 196 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,240 Ten pounds per person per visit. 197 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,880 That's why I went once and stayed. 198 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,240 You know, I was really getting my money's worth. 199 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:00,120 I mean, most people can manage two or three slices of pizza 200 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,080 and a couple of portions of pasta, 201 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,880 but pizza's mostly bread and pasta costs nothing, 202 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:08,040 so that's how the restaurant makes its profits. 203 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,240 I would get 20 or 30 slices of pizza, 204 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,600 scrape off the toppings. 205 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,480 I'd leave the base. 206 00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:16,560 Decoy. 207 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,920 Same with the spaghetti Bolognese. 208 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:20,840 I'd make about 15 trips, 209 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,760 and I'd pick all the meat out of the spaghetti. 210 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,960 Was left with about five pounds of beef. 211 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,200 I had all the time in the world. 212 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,800 -You don't work? -No. 213 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,360 Took early retirement to get disability benefits. 214 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:42,520 Oh, um, if you don't mind me asking, um, what's wrong with you? 215 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,120 Well, look at me. 216 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,720 I'm absolutely fucked. 217 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,840 Where exactly is this place? 218 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,280 -Just take a picture. -Yeah? Okay. 219 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,560 -Smile. -[camera clicks] 220 00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:58,480 Great. 221 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,360 [Tony] That annoyed me. 222 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,680 -Because he's greedy? -No. 223 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,280 -Well, yeah, he is greedy, obviously. -[man chattering] 224 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,400 But he's right. 225 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,160 They're building their brand 226 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,720 on the promise that you can eat as much as you want. 227 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,080 A babyccino afterwards? 228 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:16,360 You can't suddenly renege on the deal 'cause someone eats too much or too often 229 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:19,240 or you've got to change the rules. For everyone though. 230 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,720 -Be upfront. -The quinoa? 231 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,040 -[laughs] You love your quinoa. -[sighs] There's no honor anymore. 232 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,760 [man] Have you done a big, farmyard poo? 233 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,320 -Oh, for fuck's sake. -You okay? 234 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,560 -Yeah, why? -You just said, "For fuck's sake," so-- 235 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,160 And you assumed summat had annoyed me? 236 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:37,440 -Like someone making unnecessary noise? -Oh shit. 237 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,320 -[sighs] He's a baby. -[chuckles] 238 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,240 Yeah, but he's not the one making all the noise, is he? You are. 239 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,640 To keep him amused. 'Cause if he was crying, that would annoy people. 240 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:50,200 No, 'cause he's a baby. You making all the noise is the annoying bit. 241 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,880 They're sounds. They shouldn't concern you. 242 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,920 You talk to your friend. I talk to my child. 243 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,960 But you can't hear every word I'm saying, can you? 244 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,400 So what? There's noise around. That's life. 245 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:01,800 Okay. Good point. 246 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,200 Who's a noisy prick? 247 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,720 -You are! You big annoying prick! -Well, that's pathetic. 248 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,840 -Sorry, I'm talking to a friend. -Saying things others don't want to hear. 249 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,080 So are you, but you don't care, so-- 250 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,720 Yeah! You're a big, loud cock. Yes, you are! 251 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,280 You're a hipster, gnome-looking fucking twat! 252 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:27,320 You big, annoying, loud cock in public! You are. 253 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,200 You're a cunt. You are. You are. You're a cunt! 254 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,360 I'm gonna… 255 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,880 [blows raspberry and babbles] 256 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,880 Big belly! You cunt! [blows raspberry] 257 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,680 You big fucking cunt! 258 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:42,320 [blowing raspberries] You big fucking cunt! 259 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:45,960 They're just sounds. 260 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:59,000 [Matt] I'll tell you what, I'll drive you to the table tennis, and we'll go together 261 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:00,920 -to Midlake. -[Tony] Okay. 262 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,560 -[Matt] It'll be fun. -[Tony] All right. 263 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:06,000 [Matt] We'll do sort of a road trip. Get some snacks and CDs. It'll be great. 264 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,200 -Yeah. Cheers. -[Matt] Okay, good. 265 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,360 [sighs] Well, that's the rest of my day sorted. 266 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,640 I'm playing him at table tennis, 267 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,960 and then he's driving me to Midlake to scatter my dad's ashes. 268 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,000 Sounds like quite an exciting day. 269 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,640 [sighs] Yeah. 270 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,280 Fucking hell. What a bunch of losers we are. 271 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,560 -Speak for yourself. -[Tony] Well, I was. 272 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,360 But also for anyone else who's a loser like me. 273 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,320 Matt thinks he's adventurous 'cause he owns a cagoule. 274 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:37,000 Lenny gets excited if he finds an uneaten biscuit in his pocket. Come on. 275 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,560 You're right. [sighs] I've absolutely nothing interesting in my life. 276 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,280 Well, that's not true. 277 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,760 Got a pretend boyfriend. I hate my job. 278 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,800 I'd rather do what you do, but I've lost my nerve. 279 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,880 Yeah, I can't date anymore. All the best men are taken. 280 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,640 You know, or gay or mental. 281 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,400 I made a list for my perfect bloke. How tragic is that? 282 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,280 Oh, yeah, I've done that. What's on yours? 283 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:11,200 Own car, house, own business, no kids. 284 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,720 Smart, you know, proper bloke. What was on yours? 285 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,920 Must have a face and a cock. 286 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,240 [Tony chuckles] 287 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,080 Kath. Fancy a coffee? 288 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:26,840 Yeah. 289 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:34,040 [sighs] I can't be bothered anymore. 290 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,200 I mean, what's the point, eh? 291 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,000 Yeah, I know how you feel. 292 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:38,920 Oh. 293 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:40,400 Excuse me? 294 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,120 -Kath. -What? 295 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:44,640 What? 296 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,160 I thought you were gonna ask my name. 297 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,600 -Why? -Yeah, why? 298 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:52,480 Don't know. 299 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,120 -Uh, do you have any change? -Oh, I don't have any money. 300 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,400 I mean, I've got money. 301 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,680 I've got a good job. 302 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,280 I just left it at work. 303 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:02,880 Right. Okay. 304 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,000 You married? 305 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:07,480 -Uh, no. -[Tony] Girlfriend? 306 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:09,480 -No. -Gay? 307 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,360 -No. -[Tony] Name? 308 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:12,720 -Charles. -[Tony] Charles. 309 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,040 -You met Kath? -Yeah. 310 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,960 -Yep. -Why would you think I'm gay? 311 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:16,960 Why wouldn't I? 312 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,560 -What? -It doesn't matter. Either way. 313 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,720 Would you like to go for a drink later? 314 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,680 Yeah. 315 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:30,480 Okay. Um, let me give you my card. 316 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:32,840 Thank you. 317 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,680 -Thanks. -Bye. 318 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:36,800 Bye. 319 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,080 Oh, I could die. 320 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,800 -Why? -Of embarrassment! I was so uncool. 321 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,400 -He liked you. -No, he didn't! 322 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,480 -He panicked and was polite. -Lawyers don't panic. 323 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,440 That's another thing. He's a lawyer! He had the costume and everything. 324 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,080 Oh. I can't tell him I work for a free local paper. He'll think I'm a loser. 325 00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,120 None taken. 326 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,720 Tell him you're an investigative journalist. 327 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,400 No, that'll frighten him. He'll think I'm looking into him. 328 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,000 What would a lawyer want me to be? 329 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:12,960 A murderer. 330 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:14,800 -What? -[scoffs] 331 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,000 Just be yourself. 332 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:18,640 Tell the truth. 333 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:21,760 Always tell the truth. 334 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,080 This is even worse. 335 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:29,920 What is? 336 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,480 You sat there doing a fucking word search! 337 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,720 [scoffs] Used to be porn, mate, stacked that high. 338 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:38,960 Those days are gone. 339 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:44,200 Five years ago, I could've knocked one out and got you right in the face. 340 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,080 I've wasted my life. 341 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,240 -Ready? -[Matt] Yeah. 342 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:52,800 [Tony] All right. Let's go. 343 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:55,880 Oh. 344 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,040 One, nil. 345 00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,640 Come on. 346 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,360 Okay. All right, three, nil. 347 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:08,120 -Oh, did that get a little nick on-- -No. 348 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:11,680 -Ow. Ooh. -Right in the bollocks! 349 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:13,640 Okay. 350 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:16,760 Oh. 351 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,640 -Nineteen, two? -Three! 352 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:20,840 -Is it? Okay. -Yeah. 353 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,560 -Twenty, three. -Yeah. Fine. 354 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:29,760 Ugh. 355 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,400 Good game. [sighs] 356 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,680 I mean, it wasn't athletic enough, really, was it? Just-- 357 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,160 -You were just standing there. -Yeah, hitting it back. 358 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:40,200 Yeah, but you're not. 359 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,880 -You're barely moving. -Right. 360 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,480 So I think we need to do something a bit more sporty. 361 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,600 -Okay. -Um, like tennis or something. 362 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,440 -Yeah, great. -[Matt] Good. Okay. 363 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:53,440 'Cause table tennis is just luck, isn't it? It's like pinball. 364 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,840 ♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪ 365 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,920 ♪ Everybody's feeling-- ♪ 366 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,800 -Nah, that's enough of that. -Put something you like on, then. 367 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,560 Yeah. There's the challenge. 368 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,040 Will Smith, Willennium. 369 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:09,160 -Yes, as in the Millennium. -Yeah, the last time anyone bought a CD. 370 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,320 -Lighthouse Family. -Good band. 371 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,600 Love the Lighthouse Family. 372 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,760 -Susan fucking Boyle? -Yeah? 373 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,200 What? 374 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,200 -Out she goes. -Hey! What are you doing? 375 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,640 Did you-- Not Bublé. 376 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:24,640 Yes, Bublé. 377 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,440 No! Are you mad? You'll kill someone! Tony! 378 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:29,120 -Radiohead. -That's not mine. 379 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,680 No, I know. It's good. 380 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:32,600 It's Jill's. 381 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,160 -Lisa got it for her. -Did she? 382 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:37,760 Yeah, she loved 'em. 383 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,840 ["Let Down" playing] 384 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,320 ♪ Transport ♪ 385 00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:01,240 ♪ Motorways and tramlines ♪ 386 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:05,920 ♪ Starting and then stopping ♪ 387 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:10,680 ♪ Taking off and landing ♪ 388 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:14,280 ♪ The emptiest of feelings ♪ 389 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:15,640 -Cheers. -Cheers. 390 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:21,440 Um, so you're a lawyer? 391 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:23,920 Uh, yes, a barrister. 392 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,040 -[Kath] Right. -You? 393 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,000 No. 394 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,280 -What? -No, I'm-- I'm not a barrister. 395 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,760 Okay. Uh, what is your job? 396 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,400 Oh, my job? 397 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:38,520 Hmm. 398 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:39,520 Um, 399 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,760 okay, I-- I'm not gonna lie. 400 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:44,320 I'm 401 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,280 a doctor. 402 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,080 -[Charles] Wow. -Yeah. 403 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,880 -You got a practice? -No need! Done all that! 404 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,280 Got my certificate and everything. 405 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:54,920 What? 406 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,200 What did you say? 407 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:03,200 Oh, um, do you have a practice? Are you a GP or a surgeon in a hospital? 408 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:04,600 Oh, yeah. [chuckles] 409 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,000 Um, I work in a hospital 410 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:08,680 as a doctor. 411 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:12,640 Right. 412 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,200 -Should we order? -Yeah. 413 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,120 Huh. 414 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:29,640 I have lived a life, boy. 415 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:30,720 -Yeah? -[Brian] Yes. 416 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:32,840 Yeah, roller-coaster. 417 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,000 She was one hell of a woman, sexually. 418 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,600 A wild creature that could not be tamed. 419 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,080 Great sex. 420 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:46,760 Great sex. 421 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,240 I made a porno of her. 422 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:56,920 Right on this very carpet. 423 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,840 She said she wanted a threesome with me and Roly Carter. 424 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,640 Absolute monster of a man. Do you know him? 425 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,080 -No. -Six foot three. 426 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,400 280 lb. with his jewelry on. 427 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,080 I agreed. [giggles] 428 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,040 Turns out she just wanted me to hold the camcorder. 429 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:20,720 Not a problem. 430 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,440 "Whatever you want, my darling." 431 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,400 So she's on all fours and he's round the back door, 432 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:30,480 doing her doggy style. 433 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,840 I'm capturing the whole damn thing. 434 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:41,400 She was absolutely fucking loving it. I could see it in her eyes. 435 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,640 And then Roly looks at me, 436 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:51,560 out of the blue, straight down the lens, and shakes his head, 437 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:54,600 as if to say, 438 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,800 "This is absolutely fucking awful." 439 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,200 I didn't know if he meant the quality of the production 440 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,640 or the rough carpet on his knees. Turns out he meant the smell of her growler. 441 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,120 -Here we go. -Thank you. 442 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:12,480 [Charles] Thanks. 443 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,240 Lovely. 444 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:18,080 Do you, uh-- Do you get a chance to cook much? In your-- 445 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:21,520 Oh, no. No, I'm rushed off my feet. 446 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:22,960 -[laughs] -Yeah. 447 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,160 -Most days. -Yeah. 448 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,080 Yeah. 449 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:30,040 I just have to get frozen meals for one in. 450 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,960 -Oh, that's so sad. -Yeah. 451 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,000 [woman chocking] 452 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,880 -Um, she's a doctor! -Off duty! 453 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,920 -What? -I'm off duty. 454 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:48,920 Okay. 455 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,520 -That's it. -She's fine. Thought so. 456 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:52,440 [scoffs] 457 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,080 Why didn't you help her? 458 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,880 [man panting] 459 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,120 [Tony] This place is amazing. 460 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,680 Built in the 14th century or something? 461 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:38,920 -I dunno. -Oh. 462 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,560 This must be the table he proposed at. It was under the portrait of the Queen. 463 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,640 -Really? -Yeah, let's sit here. 464 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:47,400 That's great. 465 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:49,040 Wow. 466 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,640 [sighs] Think of all the people that have been here. 467 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:55,480 -Here's a good place. -Okay. 468 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:56,560 Um… 469 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:00,800 What are you doing? 470 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,880 I'm just sprinkling a few of my dad's ashes. 471 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,120 On the carpet? 472 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:07,520 Yeah, it was his last request. 473 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,160 Oh, was it? It's not him who's gonna have to clear it up, is it? 474 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,880 Mate, it's a silly little ritual. Okay? 475 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,720 There's no harm. I know they get cleared away. So-- 476 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,880 -It's vandalism. -It's not vandalism, is it? 477 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,680 -There's no damage. -Littering, then. 478 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:23,600 [sighs] It's my dad's ashes, okay? 479 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:27,640 He used to come here all the time. It's my way of paying my respects. 480 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,160 Well, sprinkle 'em in the bin. What difference does it make? 481 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:33,160 I'm sure he didn't specify sprinkling them on the bloody carpet. 482 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:36,080 No, but this is the table he proposed to my mother at, okay? 483 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,800 I recognize it from his description. 484 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,520 It's dust, for Christ's sake! 485 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:40,480 [man] It's disgusting. 486 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,600 -What about diseases? -What diseases? 487 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,280 -[man] From dead bodies! -It's not a dead body, is it? 488 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,840 If I dragged him in from the morgue and dumped him on the carpet, 489 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,560 maybe you'd have every right to be annoyed. 490 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,640 Well, I do have every right. I can do what I want. It's my pub. 491 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:56,080 I can bar you, and I don't have to give a reason. The two of you, out! 492 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,360 Take your rubbish with you. 493 00:24:58,920 --> 00:24:59,760 Rubbish? 494 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,120 Ugh. You stupid bastard! 495 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:08,880 A bit went in my mouth! 496 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:11,560 Good. I hope that was his cock, you stupid cunt. 497 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:12,720 Ugh. 498 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:14,840 Ugh. 499 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,160 [Matt] "I hope that was his cock, 500 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:48,480 you stupid cunt." 501 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:52,040 [laughs] 502 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:54,640 [both laughing] 503 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,720 [car engine starts] 504 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,800 -[Tony] Oh. -["Let Down" playing] 505 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,520 ♪ Transport ♪ 506 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:23,360 ♪ Motorways and tramlines ♪ 507 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:28,160 ♪ Starting and then stopping ♪ 508 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:32,560 ♪Taking off and landing ♪ 509 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:37,520 ♪ The emptiest of feelings ♪ 510 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:42,320 ♪ Disappointed people ♪ 511 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:46,560 ♪ Clinging onto bottles ♪ 512 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:51,520 ♪ When it comes, it's so so ♪ 513 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,120 ♪ Disappointing ♪ 514 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:59,280 ♪ Let down and hanging around ♪