1
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,120
-[air horn blares]
-Oh, you cunt!
2
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,840
-[Tony laughs]
-Oh! Oh!
3
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,280
-Gimme it.
-[Tony] No need to swear.
4
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:38,040
Give that to me.
You're such a menace with that thing!
5
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,840
[Tony] Come on. Go on. Good girl.
6
00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:47,240
Come on. Good girl.
7
00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:58,840
-[air horn blares]
-[Matt] Ah!
8
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:01,920
[Tony laughs]
9
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,280
-Oh my God! Oh my God!
-Prat!
10
00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:05,360
[laughing]
11
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,200
Maybe life is still worth living.
12
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,920
-Oh my God.
-That's not funny, actually. It could've--
13
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,320
Wow. I disagree.
14
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,080
-[Matt] Tony, could you clear this up?
-No.
15
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,880
[laughs]
16
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,400
[Matt] Hurt my elbow as well.
17
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:32,760
Fuck's sake, come on!
18
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,040
I'm stretching.
I like to do things properly.
19
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,400
Like wear whites for tennis.
20
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,320
Just fucking give me the ball.
21
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,680
Yeah, Tony, please watch
your language, okay?
22
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:41,760
[Tony scoffs]
23
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,000
[Tony] Fifteen-love.
24
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:49,600
Ugh.
25
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,040
[grunts]
26
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,760
Oh, come on, Matthew!
27
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:56,720
[Matt] Oh.
28
00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,960
-One-love.
-All right, change ends.
29
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,200
-No, fuck that.
-What?
30
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,120
That's what you do after the first game.
31
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,320
To keep it fair. But the sun's in my eyes,
you daft cunt. The advantage is to you.
32
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,200
Can you not keep saying
words like that here, please?
33
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,960
-[Tony] Fucking hell.
-All right, just…
34
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:23,880
Oh.
35
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,040
[grunts] No! No!
36
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,040
Ow! No, you don't.
37
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:38,080
Oh!
38
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,120
Grow up.
39
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,240
Oh! [grunting]
40
00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,080
-[grunts]
-Oh.
41
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:45,000
Unlucky.
42
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:46,760
Good game.
43
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:51,360
-I mean, look at you.
-What?
44
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,160
-It's a piss-take, mate.
-What is?
45
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,120
-You look like Maradona.
-[Tony chuckles]
46
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,200
Not in the '80's. In the--
47
00:02:58,120 --> 00:02:59,320
Right before he died.
48
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,080
-After he died.
-[Tony] Don't get nasty.
49
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:05,960
[Tony sighs]
50
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:07,720
Who won?
51
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:09,720
He did, but--
52
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,120
-Really?
-[Tony and Matt] Yeah.
53
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,360
Obviously I can never go back there again.
The language was appalling.
54
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,680
Effing and jeffing all over. He'd have
been disqualified from Wimbledon.
55
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,960
-Fucking Wimbledon.
-See what I mean?
56
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,080
That's nothing. He shouted at a bloke
with a baby in the cafe the other day,
57
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,960
everyone looking, calling him a cunt.
58
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,520
For very good reason.
59
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,160
-Why?
-He was a cunt.
60
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,440
Ugh. Could never use that word.
61
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:35,160
Shows lack of vocabulary. If a bloke
uses that word, I go right off him.
62
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,840
What if he's calling Hitler a cunt?
63
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:37,920
Straight to Hitler.
64
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,080
[chuckles] It doesn't bother you, does it?
65
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,520
No, it don't bother me, but I wouldn't use
it around a lady if she didn't like it.
66
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:48,200
So I've either got to stop using it
around you or get you to enjoy it.
67
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,920
I'll get you to use it brilliantly.
It'll change your life. Trust me.
68
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,160
-You will never hear me use that word.
-We'll see.
69
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,480
Talking of vocabulary,
I've got a date with a teacher, so--
70
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,560
Good. What does he teach?
71
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,120
Dunno. Why?
72
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:08,640
Well, if it's science, I probably wouldn't
go on about ghosts and horoscopes.
73
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,480
Why? That's science too.
74
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:12,880
No, it's not.
75
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:14,960
It's the opposite. Trust me.
76
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:17,960
[Brian] There she is.
77
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,920
You all right? Here's one.
78
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,520
-Why did the chicken cross the road?
-Dunno.
79
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,360
To get away from the smell of two gypsies
fucking my wife.
80
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,800
8:00 in the morning that was,
back of Safeway.
81
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,040
Disgusting.
82
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,640
Why do you always say stuff like that
to me? They're not even proper jokes.
83
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,720
Hmm, comedy critic now, are we?
84
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,000
Also, it's racist.
85
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,760
Shut up! Why?
86
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,840
-"The smell of 2 gypsies fucking my wife?"
-The smell was coming from her!
87
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:48,280
Use your noggin. She had
a terrible feminine hygiene problem.
88
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,120
Do you want me to spell it out for you?
I had to bloody live with it.
89
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,400
The two lads, good as gold. Clean
as you like, Danny Richards and Sid Nash.
90
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,040
Lovely pair of boys.
She was the one that stank.
91
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,720
I said, "You've got a proper odor going on
in that big old cabbage of yours."
92
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,160
She didn't bloody care.
93
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,640
She'd say, "Oh, if God had wanted
my snatch to smell nice,
94
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,560
he wouldn't put it next to me arsehole."
95
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:12,680
I know, you're thinking, "Oh, that's
a good point, Brian." No, it isn't.
96
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,440
Her arsehole wasn't a problem. Go figure.
97
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,640
Hmm. [chuckles]
98
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:18,800
Wow. Morning, gang.
99
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,400
All right, Brian, um,
100
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:23,640
can you do me a favor?
101
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:24,680
Depends.
102
00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:28,080
My postman is proper depressed
at the moment.
103
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,000
He's feeling very low about his life.
104
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:36,320
And I thought if he spoke to someone
with a genuinely awful existence,
105
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,400
it might make him feel better
about his own situation.
106
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,040
-Not a problem. Leave it with me.
-[Tony] Cheers.
107
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,520
I'll have some tea. Tea time.
108
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:47,760
Right. Squash.
109
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:48,720
-[Tony] What?
-Squash.
110
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:54,200
Oh, uh, no need. I've proved my point,
and you're right. I feel less aggressive.
111
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:55,560
-[Matt] Oh, chicken?
-No.
112
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,200
Well, sounds like you're chicken.
113
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,880
-No.
-Is squash too much for you?
114
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,240
-No.
-You played before?
115
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,440
Not this century,
but that won't be a problem.
116
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,200
Oh, great. Won't be a problem. Great.
Yeah, see you on court.
117
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,080
He's never gonna win at anything.
I'm never gonna let that happen.
118
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,840
Whatever I have to do, I will make sure--
119
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,720
Look at him. He's so wired.
120
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,400
He can't stand it.
He can't believe I've beaten him.
121
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:28,520
So you were childhood sweethearts
and, uh, then you lost touch?
122
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,680
Yes. We met in 1957.
123
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:35,080
I was 16 and Bill was 17.
124
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,960
I was working at the factory.
Bill was working as a groundsman.
125
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:43,200
And we went together for a year or so,
and we split up.
126
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:46,320
-Do you remember why?
-Don't remember what I had for breakfast!
127
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,520
He drank too much. Always drunk.
128
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,480
-I don't drink now.
-I do.
129
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,760
-[chuckles]
-[woman] So anyway, we sort of lost touch.
130
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:57,840
We met other people,
both got married, and that was that.
131
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,840
I think we bumped into each other
a couple of times over the years.
132
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,160
So when we found out
we'd both been widowed,
133
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:08,040
we had a cup of tea,
and we hit it off again.
134
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,680
You never lose that spark.
135
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,800
We weren't gonna bother getting married,
136
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:15,120
but I'm Catholic, and I started
feeling guilty about the sex.
137
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,040
Sex.
138
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,760
-Okay. Um, when is the wedding?
-Uh--
139
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,200
-August 28th.
-[Bill] 28th.
140
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:24,920
-I'm getting married in August.
-Fool.
141
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,280
[Bill laughs]
142
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:30,920
Well, congratulations. I hope
you have many wonderful years together.
143
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,640
Hopefully, I go first this time.
144
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,040
Hopefully in time
for me to find someone else!
145
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:37,760
[woman laughs]
146
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:38,680
Take a picture.
147
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,280
[Lenny] Smile.
148
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,160
[camera clicks]
149
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:45,320
Great.
150
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,600
[Tony sighs]
151
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,240
Did I hug Lisa enough?
152
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,880
Are you joking? I never met
a couple more devoted to each other.
153
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:04,320
No, I know she knew I loved her,
but did I actually say it out loud?
154
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,800
Did I remind her all the time?
155
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:09,880
Yeah, you did. It was obvious
to everyone around, let alone her.
156
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:12,240
You're a good mate.
157
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,000
I'm just being honest.
It's what I want too.
158
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,080
Meeting June's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
159
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,040
Believe it or not,
I'm not as in demand as you might think.
160
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,040
-You're a fine catch.
-Hug?
161
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:27,600
-No, get away from me, you sweaty mollusk.
-You just said I was a fine catch.
162
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,720
Yeah, but I meant like
in one of those deep sea fishing shows
163
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,000
where they pull summat up from the bottom.
164
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,880
They thought it was extinct.
165
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:38,960
They don't even know what it is. It's just
a blob. It could be a fish or a slug.
166
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,800
Back to normal, then.
167
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,000
-Nothing will ever be back to normal.
-Oh, shit. Why did I say that?
168
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,880
Normal used to be us getting drunk
and you sleeping on the couch.
169
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,520
Let's have a drink tonight.
Nothing big. I'll make it home.
170
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,480
[chuckles]
171
00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:57,160
Yeah, all right.
172
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:13,760
Hey, boy.
173
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:15,760
-All right?
-You all right?
174
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,280
-Yeah.
-How's it going?
175
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,240
-All right, yeah.
-Yeah?
176
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:20,800
Nice day, innit?
177
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,240
-Heard you're feeling a bit down.
-Yeah.
178
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:26,760
Yeah. Talk to me.
179
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,600
Well, everyone knows
what Roxy does for a living.
180
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,760
-I'm just embarrassed.
-Embarrassed?
181
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,760
I'm probably delivering to blokes
that have actually shagged her.
182
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:37,600
At the very least.
183
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,680
-What do you mean?
-I doubt it's just a straightforward shag.
184
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,120
Get my drift?
185
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,760
Think about it, boy.
Imagine all the things she has to do.
186
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,800
Missionary, missionary, missionary,
missionary, missionary. Boring.
187
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,560
"Turn round. Let me see that ass."
188
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,200
[grunting]
189
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,160
Bored of that.
190
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,960
"Swivel round. Get your mouth
around my naughty lolly."
191
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,800
"Watch those gnashers! Keep it gums."
192
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:02,960
[grunts]
193
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,080
"Lovely. There you go. Take the money."
194
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,280
"Now, go back to your postman boyfriend."
195
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,120
[chuckles]
196
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,240
Know what I mean?
197
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,920
Listen, at least she gets paid for it.
198
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,520
Huh? My wife used to give it away.
199
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,520
Sometimes behind my back.
Sometimes she'd make me film it.
200
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,120
How's that make me feel? I'm filming it.
Looking through-- How's that make me feel?
201
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,200
Worthless.
202
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,760
Like a slug feeding on bird shit,
203
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:31,000
in the rain, only to be trodden on
204
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:33,400
and left to die in agony.
205
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,360
What I'm trying to say is
don't be a worthless slug like me.
206
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,200
Be a man.
207
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,200
See you soon.
208
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,560
-Hello.
-Hello.
209
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:54,880
You're my son.
210
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:56,440
Yep.
211
00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:58,960
How are you, Dad?
212
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,680
Uh, mustn't grumble.
213
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:03,200
And where have you been?
214
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:04,960
Australia.
215
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,520
Oh. Where's that?
216
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,840
You know, if you come out here
and turn left,
217
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,440
it's about 10,000 miles.
218
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:14,720
Oh, right.
219
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:16,720
You're back now though, yeah?
220
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:18,680
-Yeah.
-[man] For good?
221
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,280
-Yep.
-Hello.
222
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,720
-Hello.
-Hi.
223
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,280
I was just, you know…
224
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,080
[chuckles]
225
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,000
Hanging.
226
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,800
You should bring me, um, chess set.
227
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,360
Give you a game.
You were pretty good when you were young.
228
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,160
-[Tony] Was I?
-[man] Yeah.
229
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,080
Where is it?
230
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,160
Sideboard, with the sherry.
231
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,920
-I'll bring it in tomorrow.
-[man] Thanks.
232
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,520
I'd better go actually. I was just--
233
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,800
Well, I can take a quick break
and walk with you if you like?
234
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,000
Yeah, sure.
235
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,080
-Bye, Dad.
-Bye.
236
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:06,840
What are you doing?
237
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,600
Friends hold hands.
238
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:09,880
-Do they?
-Yeah.
239
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,760
-Some men even hold hands.
-Gay men.
240
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,160
No, straight men hold hands too sometimes.
241
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,160
What straight men
walk along the street holding hands?
242
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:20,680
In Spain, and they're not gay.
243
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,240
Well, some are.
244
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,840
-Not many. Very macho. Bullfighters.
-Right.
245
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:28,320
Bullfighters aren't gay.
246
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:32,360
No. In their little berets
and their sequinned tights,
247
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,720
dancing around
having roses thrown at them.
248
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,240
-Definitely not gay.
-[chuckles]
249
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,640
Sadistic cunts.
250
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,720
But not gay. Where are we going?
251
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:45,560
♪ We can't play this game anymore ♪
252
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:50,480
♪ But can we still be friends? ♪
253
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:56,600
♪ Things just can't go on like before ♪
254
00:12:56,680 --> 00:13:01,560
♪ But can we still be friends? ♪
255
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,560
-[Tony] What are you doing?
-Daffodil.
256
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,520
[Tony] Yeah. Criminal damage.
257
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,680
Fuck. I was picking it for you,
you miserable sod! [laughs]
258
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,320
♪ The wheel to turn ♪
259
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,640
♪ Things are said ♪
260
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,160
Right, come on, then.
261
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,840
So as some of you might know,
262
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:23,040
it is the 500-year anniversary
of the Tambury Fair
263
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,960
and muggins here has been asked
264
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,640
to make sure the Tambury Players
provide a bit of culture.
265
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,960
Now, I've roped in Coleen.
266
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,760
She's gonna be covering
the behind-the-scenes organizing,
267
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,760
and also she's gonna be doing
a big feature on us.
268
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:36,720
[man] Ooh.
269
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,280
Typical of me
to get us in the spotlight, isn't it?
270
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,400
So, come on, then. What are we gonna do?
We need some ideas. Ooh.
271
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,960
-Any thoughts? Something historical.
-Les Misérables.
272
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:49,240
Les Misérables did happen in the past.
We can't really do that though, can we?
273
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,000
I'm not paying for that. Fuck that.
274
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,960
I got done with that for Evita.
275
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:54,960
Still paying that off.
276
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:59,040
No, we need something interactive,
you know, where you can walk around.
277
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,720
A bit promenade.
278
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:04,600
People coming up to you. A viking
coming up, you know, raping and pillaging.
279
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,680
Not actually.
280
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,680
A monk coming up to you, blessing you.
Stuff from the past!
281
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:12,440
A pirate ship. I don't know.
A pig! Just a pig running around.
282
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,200
Is that a good idea? I don't know.
283
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:17,400
Come on! It can't just be me.
What other ideas have we got?
284
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,560
I can be
an out-of-work Shakespearean actor.
285
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,880
Oh, don't start, James.
286
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,840
We're all just having fun, okay? We've all
given up our own time to be here.
287
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,880
Yeah, but you don't have
to deliver papers, do you?
288
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,800
Well, nor do you. You dump most of 'em.
289
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,600
Look, things aren't going well for me
at the minute and--
290
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,880
They've never gone well for you, James.
291
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,160
What about me?
I backed the wrong horse with you.
292
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:43,080
Now, look, I'm a bit worried about him
293
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,320
because without performing,
he's got absolutely nothing going for him.
294
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,160
Yeah, this is performing.
What more do you want?
295
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,240
But it's just amateur, isn't it?
It's all amateur!
296
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,360
Amateur? Amateur? Don't you dare.
297
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,360
I'm a professional actor and director,
I'll have you know.
298
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:02,120
-What you been in?
-Taxi Driver, the musical, Wigan.
299
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:03,640
Any good?
300
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,160
Oh, well, you tell me.
301
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,760
♪ Are you talking to me?
'Cause I'm talking to you ♪
302
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,720
♪ I don't see anyone else
You could be fucking talking to ♪
303
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:12,640
Bang, bang!
304
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,440
♪ I'm a taxi driver ♪
305
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,760
♪ I drive through the night
Picking up who I like ♪
306
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:18,680
Bang, bang!
307
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,400
♪ I'm a taxi driver ♪
308
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:25,000
♪ If you're dealing crack
Then you'll get one in the back from me ♪
309
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:25,920
♪ Tonight! ♪
310
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,360
Taxi!
311
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,200
[imitates explosion]
312
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,400
He's good.
313
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:55,360
-People don't often click the waiter now.
-[waiter] Can I give you the wine list?
314
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,960
I think it's
"May I give you the wine list?"
315
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,760
-[waiter] Sorry.
-[man] Thank you.
316
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,440
Do you know about wine?
317
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,600
Um, not really. I like prosecco.
318
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,360
-Shall I order?
-Yeah.
319
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,520
May we have a couple of glasses
320
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:16,880
of Chianti Classico 2017, I think, please?
321
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,880
-And then we'll take it from there.
-Which one's that?
322
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:25,840
I can't be much more specific
than the Chianti Classico 2017,
323
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,200
which is written down there
in black and white.
324
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,760
-[waiter] Right.
-Be knowledgeable about your job.
325
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,040
If your heart's not in it,
maybe you shouldn't be here.
326
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,520
I'm on minimum wage, mate.
327
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,680
Work harder at school, mate.
328
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,600
Off he goes, tail between his legs.
329
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,240
So you work in--
330
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,920
Elbows off the table.
You work in the newspaper industry?
331
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,440
-Yeah. Yeah.
-For a newspaper?
332
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:51,480
Huh.
333
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,440
-Yeah.
-Um,
334
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,800
I only really read The Guardian.
335
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,080
And occasionally Private Eye,
but even then I'm off on a tangent.
336
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,840
I have got
what I like to call a creative brain.
337
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:07,400
I write poetry.
338
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:10,600
Do you like poetry?
339
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,080
-Yeah.
-Yes.
340
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,000
-Do you?
-Yeah.
341
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,400
'Cause a lot of people say
they like poetry,
342
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:22,120
but what they actually mean
is they like If by Rudyard Kipling,
343
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,400
and they think that is
in some way high art.
344
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,080
Like people who say they play-- Elbows.
345
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,000
Like people who say they play chess
346
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,720
when what they actually mean is they know
how the pieces are allowed to move.
347
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,200
[chuckles]
348
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,000
Do you like chess?
349
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,360
-I don't-- don't play it.
-You don't play it. There we are.
350
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,360
-But you know how the pieces move?
-I know some of the pieces.
351
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:45,280
There we are.
352
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,720
-Some.
-Pardon?
353
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,520
In chess, there's a horse. A little horse.
354
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:52,920
There's a knight.
355
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,720
-And a-- a prawn?
-A pawn.
356
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:57,840
I play draughts.
357
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,440
Draughts is easier, isn't it?
358
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:00,960
Draughts is a very simple game.
359
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,160
[Tony] There you go.
360
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,840
This is one of your five a day.
361
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,960
-[chuckles] Grapes.
-Yeah, exactly.
362
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:22,920
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
363
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,360
[sighs]
364
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,200
Ah.
365
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,200
-You all right?
-Yeah, good. Are you all right?
366
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,960
Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you something.
367
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,280
-All right.
-Feel free to say no. It's not a big deal.
368
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,760
But I was wondering
if you'd be my best man at the wedding.
369
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,720
Oh, fuck.
370
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:45,920
Am I really the best man though?
371
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,240
-You're the only man, to be honest.
-[Tony] Right.
372
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:50,440
Okay.
373
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,320
[sighs]
374
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,400
I mean, I've gotta say yes, haven't I?
375
00:18:58,440 --> 00:18:59,560
If I'm still alive.
376
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,200
-You're not still talking like that?
-No, I mean,
377
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,040
I eat and drink too much.
I might not make it till August.
378
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:09,280
Okay, as long as you die
of natural causes, that's all right.
379
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,720
That's what I'm hoping for now.
380
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,440
Rather than be a best man at a wedding,
I choose death.
381
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,240
[both chuckle]
382
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,480
I mean, I'm flattered. Fucking hell.
383
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,160
Have I gotta stay sober?
384
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,960
[Lenny] Maybe up until the speech.
385
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,600
Let's do the speech before the ceremony.
386
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:30,800
Right. Okay. [laughs]
387
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,920
Knock it out. Let's do… [laughs]
388
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,240
Um,
389
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,320
do you teach science?
390
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,240
Nope.
391
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:49,320
I work in the arts side of teaching.
I teach English.
392
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,680
-Language and lit, together at last.
-Oh, good. [chuckles]
393
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,080
-Um, I like horoscopes and that.
-Pardon me?
394
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,960
I like horo--
395
00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,320
-Horoscopes?
-Yeah.
396
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,400
-Do you?
-Do I like horoscopes?
397
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,920
-Yeah.
-No. Of course not.
398
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,320
Claptrap, twaddle.
399
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:13,240
Wishful thinking
400
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,040
for the gullible and the desperate.
401
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:17,000
No offense.
402
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,040
Sit up.
403
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,440
Shoulders back.
Elbows off the table, always.
404
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,760
-You looking forward to it? Married life?
-Definitely.
405
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,640
Yeah. Yeah.
Sure, I'm giving up playing the field,
406
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,480
but the, uh, pros outweigh the cons.
407
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:37,960
Good.
408
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:41,800
For example, I used to sit up all night
watching telly, eating.
409
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,000
Now I still do that,
410
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,280
but I don't have to get up
to get food anymore. She brings it to me.
411
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,560
-Brilliant.
-Have to watch a bit of girly telly.
412
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:52,520
Like what?
413
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,640
The Crown, Fleabag,
Great British Bake Off.
414
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,800
But if I see a cake I like
415
00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,960
and I say, "Ooh, that looks good,"
I know I'll be eating it the next day.
416
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,600
So Great British Bake Off
is like the Shopping Channel for you now?
417
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,680
-Yeah. [chuckles]
-Amazing. What a life.
418
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,280
Two forward, one to the side.
419
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,200
Elbows.
420
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:13,320
Thank you.
421
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,480
-I'll get this.
-Great.
422
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,920
Then you pay the tip.
423
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,200
-How much is it?
-£38.
424
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,480
-Right.
-So 15%.
425
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:24,880
Which is?
426
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,720
Well, what is 10% of 38?
427
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:36,520
£3.80.
428
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:37,600
£3.80, she's got it.
429
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,480
Then plus 50% would be?
430
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,280
I'll just leave a fiver.
431
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:44,360
That's not enough, is it?
432
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:46,880
-I'll leave a tenner.
-Way too much.
433
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,920
-I'm a big tipper, all right?
-All right.
434
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,280
Now then, what have we got here?
435
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,440
HSBC. Advanced UK debit.
436
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:57,520
Mustache!
437
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,080
Oh, Mustache?
438
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,840
-Uh, you seem happier recently.
-Do I?
439
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:12,200
Yeah.
440
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,040
I'm just trying to get on with it,
you know.
441
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:17,360
I certainly wanna get better, you know.
442
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,200
I wanna be a good person.
443
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:22,720
But sometimes,
444
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,040
I just can't be bothered.
445
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,040
It's too hard.
446
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,920
We talk a good talk,
but when it comes to it,
447
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:35,440
we sort of run and hide
from, you know, real sacrifice. Like,
448
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:37,960
would I give my kidney to a stranger?
449
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,400
No. Definitely not.
450
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,840
I wouldn't give it to you.
But some people do.
451
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:45,800
How are they that good?
452
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:47,800
I mean, that's incredible,
453
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,200
and I wanna do something good, you know?
454
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,240
I wanna make a sacrifice. I wanna
455
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,480
make a difference,
456
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,400
but then I think,
457
00:22:58,240 --> 00:22:59,360
"What's the point?"
458
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,720
So I give my kidney to someone,
459
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,320
but they're gonna die anyway one day, so
460
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:07,400
who cares?
461
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,960
When I see kids playing now,
I don't think,
462
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,120
"Oh, look. They've got
their whole lives ahead of 'em."
463
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,680
I think, "They'll all be dead one day,
so all this is pointless."
464
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,760
-Will you let me edit the best man speech?
-[Tony chuckles]
465
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,680
But I guess what I'm saying is
I don't care about death anymore.
466
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,280
You know,
I don't mean I wanna die.
467
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,480
I mean whatever.
468
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,760
I'm not angry anymore.
I don't want to punish the world.
469
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:34,000
I've had my life,
and now there's nothing more to add.
470
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:38,400
And it annoys me that people think
I can have that again with someone else.
471
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,440
Like I can replace Lisa. I can't.
472
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,160
And I'm cool with that
473
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:47,200
because it makes my time with her
even more beautiful, even more precious.
474
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,560
And everything I've got now
is because of her.
475
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:53,680
She paid off the mortgage on the house.
She took out life insurance.
476
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,720
I've got 150 grand, and I haven't--
477
00:23:58,640 --> 00:23:59,720
I haven't collected it.
478
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,880
You've got 150 grand?
479
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,440
Yeah, I haven't cashed the check,
480
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,080
because I don't want it.
481
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,120
'Cause of
482
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,040
how I got it.
483
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,600
Tony, please tell me you'll cash it,
484
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,880
even if it's only to take it
off a fucking insurance company.
485
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,080
[doorbell rings]
486
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,240
Get that, will ya?
I don't want to disturb the dog.
487
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,920
-What?
-[Tony] Go on.
488
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:28,360
[door opens]
489
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:29,680
Oh, all right.
490
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,480
[door closes]
491
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,240
-It's Kath.
-Oh.
492
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:37,960
You all right?
493
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,280
-Yeah.
-How was it?
494
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,040
[sighs]
495
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:45,680
I can't describe it.
496
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:47,640
What was he like?
497
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,000
An absolute cunt.
498
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,760
I'm so proud of you. Do you want a drink?
499
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,640
-Yes, please.
-Get Kath a glass, will ya?
500
00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,880
-What?
-Come on! I can't.
501
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,280
I mean, the attitude.
502
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:08,080
♪ I listened to the wind
To the wind of my soul ♪
503
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:16,640
♪ Where I'll end up
Well, I think only God really knows ♪
504
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,800
♪ I've sat upon the setting sun ♪
505
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,680
♪ But never, never, never, never ♪
506
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,600
♪ I never wanted water once ♪
507
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,720
♪ No, never, never, never ♪
508
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:49,040
♪ I listened to my words
But they fall far below ♪
509
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,160
♪ I let my music take me
Where my heart wants to go ♪
510
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,480
♪ I swam upon the Devil's lake ♪
511
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:09,640
♪ But never, never, never, never ♪