[man] I'm a weirdo. That's what everyone says.
Sometimes, I don't know what people mean when they say things,
and that can make me feel alone even when there are other people in the room.
And all I can do is sit and twiddle,
which is what I call my self-stimulatory behavior,
when I flick a pencil against a rubber band at a certain frequency
and think about all the things that I could never do,
like research penguins in Antarctica or have a girlfriend.
I don't know. I'd like to go to Antarctica.
It's quiet there...
except in the rookeries, where the penguins breed.
[chuckles] Those aren't quiet. No, sir.
I'm finished with my answer.
Great.
Almost done for today. Good session, Sam.
I can see your bra. It's purple.
[chuckles]
Um, there was one more thing I wanted to discuss.
And I don't need your answer now,
but I'm asking all my clients if they'd be willing
to donate their brains for research.
[laughs]
Donate my brain?
- After you die. -Oh.
Yeah. There's such a shortage of brain matter available,
and, you know, there's no substitute for the real thing.
[chuckles]
Just think about it.
-Okay. -And, hey, Sam,
what you said earlier about having a girlfriend?
People in the spectrum date, you know?
You can try to find someone, if you wanted to.
-How? -You just have to put yourself out there.
Out where?
[Sam] Buses are okay,
but I don't like the feeling of the seat on my back,
so I sit like this.
I don't know how people stand it.
Maybe they've developed thicker back skin from riding the bus so much.
There's a type of Antarctic cod that has a special protein
in its blood that stops it from freezing.
[chuckles] Antifreeze in fish.
[laughs]
I was just thinking about Antarctic cod.
Antarctica is the most remote continent on the planet.
It has 90% of the world's ice,
but it's considered a desert because the annual rainfall
is only about eight inches.
You wouldn't think it was a desert when you looked at it.
That's why I like it.
It's not what it looks like.
[woman] Sam! Dinner!
So, I ordered those T-shirts that Sam likes, in bulk...
you know, 100% cotton...
and they switched them to something that they called "tri-blend."
So I called the company, and I spoke to this woman named Rizwana.
I think I was speaking with India.
[man] Mm-hmm.
But, anyway, um...
And she found a box of the old ones,
and they sent them free of charge.
-They're exactly the right kind. -[man] Mm.
Wow. That is a great story, Mom.
Oh, don't be a dick, honey.
So, Sam, how was your session with Julia today?
She wants me to donate my brain,
but don't worry, it's after I die.
What, like, for research? That could be kind of cool.
Absolutely not.
And the queen has spoken.
Well, it's gross, Casey.
You tell Julia, "Thank you, but no."
-[Sam] Okay. -You're so easy to boss around.
I don't care what happens to my dead brain.
It's either I give it to Julia, or maggots eat it.
If Mom wants maggots to eat it, fine.
No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying.
Kind of is.
I don't care. I'll be dead.
Can we stop talking about you being dead? You're not going anywhere.
Wow, this chicken's really good, honey.
Thanks. It's a dry rub.
It's a good dry rub.
Julia thinks that I should put myself out there
and find someone to have sex with.
[laughs]
She didn't say the sex part. I added that.
[laughing]
[theme music playing]
-[school bell rings] -[indistinct conversations]
[Sam] My school is crowded, noisy,
and it smells weird,
but it has one thing going for it:
it has lots of girls.
Well, I think every girl is pretty in her own way,
like a snowflake in a seasonal Antarctic storm.
[Sam] But girls don't notice me at all.
Thank you.
Banged a veterinarian I met online last night.
She had a pet parrot that repeated everything she said.
"Do me, Brown Sugar! Do me, Brown Sugar!"
Oh, shit. I think she's racist.
What kind of parrot?
Oh, I don't know. The red rainbow one?
-That's a scarlet macaw. -Oh.
Zahid...
do you like dating girls?
Yeah, dude. I like dating girls.
[camera shutter clicks]
What are you doing?
Going online to try and find a girl to date.
That's hilarious. I'll help.
Okay, finish this sentence:
"I spend a lot of time thinking about..."
Easy. Penguins.
And, especially, I'll say chinstrap penguins.
They're my favorite bird,
but all four types of Antarctic penguins are good.
Did you know early explorers thought they were fish and classified them that way?
Not birds, fish.
I'm gonna put "sports."
[woman] Hey, kids.
What you doing?
Casey's helping me sign up for online dating,
but hates all my answers, so she's lying.
-Wow. -Mm-hmm.
You're a little young for that.
You know, I saw an episode on 20/20.
There's actually something called "catfishing,"
-and it has nothing to do with fishing. -Bye, Mom.
Should we take another picture with Edison?
I read online that girls love animals.
Maybe like this?
I think this might go quicker if you just leave.
[sighs] Damn it.
Careful. What are you doing?
Honey, can you get that for me?
-Which one? -Three to five.
This room, it's, like, so disorganized.
-Such a mess. -You okay?
Yes, fine. Totally fine.
[sniffles]
Yeah.
Sam's gonna start dating, so that's something.
Do you remember these?
-Sam's emotion cards? -Yeah.
"Someone's making this face, they might be sad,
so you should try to be kind to them."
A woman in the support group, her son was just diagnosed,
so I said I'd throw
some things together.
This was the exact face he made when I surprised him with Mets tickets.
-Remember that? -Yeah, I do.
I wanted us to just have one thing in common.
Just one thing.
Me and my dad used to go to the ball games all the time.
I think it's all right that Sam's gonna try to date.
I mean, you and I weren't much older when we met,
and that was fun, right? We had a good time.
-Sam's not like us. -I know, but he has to start...
Do you know that every time the phone rings, I jump?
Every time.
I think he's crossed the street again with his eyes closed...
or he had a freak-out in a store
or he's hit a police officer.
-Every time the phone rings. -I know. I know.
But maybe now it's time for us to take a step back.
Spend time together, just the two of us,
you know, get back to where we were before all of this.
Maybe we go on a date.
Hmm?
Or we... we fool around.
[scoffs, laughs]
-Huh? -Yeah, right.
No?
[laughs]
Oh.
You're serious.
I'm not serious.
-I'm sorry. -I'm just playing.
[Julia] Common traits of autism spectrum disorder include
repetitive behaviors, difficulty socializing
and persistent, intense preoccupations.
I have a patient who came up with 95 ways to cook an egg.
Come on in.
Please, sit.
-Yeah, thanks. -Oh.
[chuckles nervously]
Is everything okay with Sam?
Oh, yes. It's fine.
I just, um...
Sam said you spoke to him about dating.
[chuckles]
He mentioned wanting a girlfriend, so I thought...
I appreciate you're trying to help,
but all the things that make my son's everyday life difficult...
like reading social cues, exchanging small talk...
all the things I've helped him navigate his entire life,
are magnified in dating.
Um...
Dating is almost entirely nonverbal communication,
and Sam's the most literal person I know.
Yeah, and there are strategies that I could teach him.
Are there?
Are there strategies for when you get your heart broken?
Sam is doing really well.
I mean, we're 32 days into his senior year,
and he hasn't had a meltdown yet, so...
I don't want to push him.
I mean, relationships are hard enough for neurotypicals.
I don't want to put that kind of pressure on my son.
There was a study done in Toronto a few years ago.
Researchers found that only nine percent
of adults with autism are married,
not because they lack the desire,
but because they don't know how to do it.
Your son has the same desire to be loved that we all do.
Why shouldn't he pursue it?
He's not ready yet.
You know, a lot of parents have a hard time
as their kids become more independent.
It's completely natural.
So if you ever need someone to talk to,
I can refer you to one of my colleagues.
Oh, wow. No, um...
[exhales]
That won't be necessary.
Thank you for your time.
That's okay. I got it. Thanks so much.
-Have a great day. -Okay.
[Sam] When I'm learning something new,
like how to get infinity lives in a video game or date girls,
I do a lot of research.
I like research.
Insult them.
Something like, "Baby, those some serious bug eyes you got."
[chuckles]
-Trust me, brother... -Bug eyes?
...quickest way to get a chick on your dick.
[Sam] I examine as many sources as possible.
Yo, yo, mamacita.
Is that a phone in your back pocket?
'Cause that ass is calling to me.
And I ask questions.
Just listen to what they say.
Don't bring up seals or penguins or whatever.
And don't stare at their boobs.
Wait, slow down.
I'm still on the no penguins part. What if she likes penguins?
Just assume she doesn't.
The trick is knowing when to put my research to use.
I'm not great at picking up signals.
Yo, Sammy. Red over there is making eyes.
-What? -That chick.
Bubble Butt by the monitors.
What about her?
Dude, she's smiling right at you.
Oh.
So?
-Smile back. -Really?
[Inhales sharply]
Wow.
You scared her away from across the store.
Impressive range, dude.
[laughing]
[camera shutter clicking]
[laughing]
Oh, no.
I'm sure whoever did this just feels terrible.
[laughing]
Bailey.
[all gasp]
I don't get it. You're not even friends with Beth.
So? You don't have to be friends to do what's right.
Sweetie, hitting someone's face is never right.
Of course you don't get it. You were the one picking on the fat kids.
I had a pudgy friend.
Besides, Bailey Bennet is a lovely girl, and she did not deserve to get punched.
Bailey Bennet is a twat.
Casey Gardener, language.
Sometimes a word or phrase gets stuck in my head,
like on on a loop, and it just plays over and over
and over and over.
Twat. Twat.
Twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, twat...
-You got suspended? -[Casey] You didn't waste any time.
-You're gonna miss practice. -They said I could practice.
-Twat, twat. -[man] That's good.
-At least she's not gonna miss practice. -She punched a pretty girl in the face!
[Casey] Why does it matter she's pretty?
Twat. Twat.
Twat.
Twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, twat.
You're grounded.
All right. That seems fair. I'm gonna go for a run.
Can I run when I'm grounded, warden?
I'm done. You deal with her.
Go ahead.
-Awesome. -Great. Now I'm the bad guy again.
Casey and I are cool. You're always gonna be the bad guy with her.
[Glass Animals' "Black Mambo" plays]
♪ Leopards laze each ♪
♪ On plush pillows ♪
♪ Paperback dreams In their deep doze ♪
[screams]
Hey, Casey! I brought you a chocolate cake.
I make amazing cakes.
I won three bake-offs at my church.
This is my brother Evan. He drove me here.
-Hey. -Hey.
Okay. Thanks for the cake.
Thank you for today.
-Twat! -Sam!
-Jesus! -Um, hello.
What is wrong with him?
Nothing's wrong with him. Get away from him.
It's cool. I got it.
All right, bye.
You forgot your chocolate cake!
I'll just leave it on the porch.
You're such an asshole.
My sister doesn't let anyone beat me up...
Got to do it four times, right?
Ow!
...except herself.
So, how's your week?
Well, I still don't have a date.
I scared a girl off from across the room,
and we had meat loaf twice, and I hate meat loaf.
How?
My mom just made it in the oven.
[chuckles] I mean, how did you scare her away?
I don't know. I've been wondering and wondering and wondering.
Okay. Pretend I'm her. What'd you do?
I just smiled at her like this.
Ah.
I read about it online.
"Making eye contact and smiling are step one for flirting."
That's what I did. Look.
"Insults equal chick on dick."
Not that part. The eye contact part.
Right, but we should get to that at some point.
Anyways, the problem is
you're crossing the line from flirty to creepy.
When you make eye contact, you have to look away a bit.
But how can I make eye contact and look away?
I mean, I'm not a mantis shrimp.
-[chuckles] -All right.
Okay, you make eye contact...
glance away...
make eye contact again.
Otherwise, it can seem scary.
-Hold on. Let me write this down. -Okay.
Now, the smile.
You need to turn that down, like, 70%.
-70% smaller? -At least.
Try no teeth?
Yeah! That's the one. That's perfect.
They didn't taste purple, but they were purple carrots.
-[laughs] -It's a new kind of carrot, right?
It tasted weird, but it was good.
Okay, don't look, but there's a couple on my right
that's on possibly the worst first date ever.
-[whispering] I said don't look! -These two?
She just asked him if he wanted children.
-They haven't even ordered appetizers. -God. There's no coming back from that.
-We should tell them what they're in for. -No.
You know, there is a small chance that you're right.
Yeah?
-A night out was a good idea. -Just a small chance?
Yeah.
I'm even wearing...
-[whispering] a thong. -[whispering] You are?
Me, too.
[both laugh]
-How's yours? Mine's really uncomfortable. -I feel good. Holds everything in place.
[laughs]
See, this is nice.
Mm.
-We needed this. -Mm-hmm.
We did.
It's just hard for me to relax sometimes.
[groans]
-I get so worried about the kids and... -I know. But everything's good.
The kids are great. Everything's fine.
-The kids are great? -Oh, come on. Here we go.
No, I just want to hear why you think the kids are so great.
-Why are you getting upset? -I'm not.
You're implying that I worry over nothing.
Well... I mean, sometimes, you do.
I mean, who cares? Sam wants to date. That's good. That's a good thing.
He's 18. It'd be weird if he didn't want to date.
Because, Doug, it's not just dating.
First it's dating, and then he's graduating,
and then he's moving out into the world.
We can't protect him, and that's terrifying.
That's what we want for him.
There's a lot we want
-that aren't possible for him. -How do you know?
I'm the one that's been with him for these last 18 years.
You've never been close to him. You don't even try.
I mean, honestly, there is times I think you don't even like him.
That's what you think?
I love our son.
I always have. Has it been hard to connect with him? Yeah, it has been.
I thought he'd be more like me or like you.
He's not like either one of us or anyone else I've ever met.
-I know. -Yeah.
You remember his ninth birthday?
He wanted an igloo.
-And what did I do? -You built it.
Yeah, I spent 19 hours hauling and stacking
fricking ice blocks into the backyard
just so my son would notice I was there.
So he would like me.
And he wouldn't even go inside because...
the ice blocks weren't lined up precisely.
-Okay. -You're not the only one in the family
who has an autistic kid, Elsa.
Can I get you anything else?
-No. Thank you. -No, thank you.
[knocking on door]
Not it.
[man speaking indistinctly on TV]
[knocking continues]
Hey!
Hi.
I just came to get Beth's cake pan back.
Okay.
I could've brought it to school.
Weird.
Should I come in or, um...
I'll just hang here.
Here you go.
It's been washed twice... once by me and once by my mom.
-'Cause that's my mom. -Thanks.
That was nice of you to punch that girl in the face for my sister.
Oh, yeah, you're welcome.
Hey, do you want to go out sometime?
Go out?
-With you? -Yeah. That's what I was thinking.
I'm sorry. I don't really date.
It's just not a distraction I need.
I'm gonna get a track scholarship and get out of this town.
Oh. Well, fair enough.
I'm probably gonna change your mind about that dating thing, though.
You know, I kind of grow on people.
Stop the presses! A girl wants to go out with me.
Oh. Hello.
I got to go.
Her name's Bree, B-r-e-e.
And she likes something called vegan taquitos,
and she has a cat named Simba. I don't love cats.
-Do you think she'd get rid of it? -Do not ask her that.
-Where are you gonna go? -I thought about it.
-I'll take her to Techtropolis. -Take a date to an appliance store?
-I have to go where I'm comfortable. -Oh, my God.
It'll be fun. We can sample different TVs and see which one has the best clarity.
I know, but we'll see if she gets it right.
-[chimes] -She wants to go for coffee.
-Coffee? -Mm-hmm.
Who goes out for coffee?
Hey. Relax. This is gonna be okay.
No, it's not.
Yeah, no, it's not.
[Sam] Being in a loud, unfamiliar place can be hard for me.
I can't think. I can't listen. I just freeze.
But... don't worry.
I have a strategy.
Floor here's kind of sticky.
Did you know that some frogs have pads on their feet
that secrete a thin layer of mucus so to help them climb things?
What's with the headphones?
Oh. I just turned on the noise-cancellation feature.
Need a little protection from the racket.
-[pop music playing] -[customers chattering]
Baby, those are some serious bug eyes you got.
What?
Mamacita...
your ass is on the phone?
I don't like cats. Would you be willing to get rid of Simba?
Yo, I'm clocking out.
-Can you see my nipples through here? -Yes.
Good. I was standing in front of the air conditioner.
So, how's it going with the ladies?
I'm not dating anymore. It's too difficult.
You have to guess what people are thinking, and not just people, girls.
-They think I'm weird. -You are weird. So what?
The French eat snails. That's weird, but you know they're getting laid.
Hey, look. Red's back.
Ask her out.
Go, go, go!
Go!
Go.
Laser or inkjet?
Oh, uh...
I don't know. I didn't really do any research.
Well, lucky for you, I love research,
and I know all about these printers.
You should get this one.
The other ones are garbage and should be set on fire.
Wow. Thanks.
That's actually really helpful.
[mouthing]
Would you like to go on a date with me?
That's the reason I came over here, not to help you with printers.
[chuckles]
Okay.
[funk music plays] ♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Gold rush ♪
♪ Hey, I got... uh! ♪
♪ I got to dig for it ♪
He got a date!
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
[Elsa] Hey, hon.
-You going to hockey? -Yeah.
I shouldn't be home late.
Honey.
I'm sorry about dinner the other night.
I'm just stressed, and... it was a really nice idea.
It's all right. Oh, listen, I...
I got you something.
You love to dance, right?
You should check this out, have some fun, maybe make a friend.
You look good.
Sheesh!
I don't even know if I'll be able to dance anymore.
♪ Mamacita say, "Oh, oh" ♪
♪ Mi amigo say, "Oh, Oh" ♪
♪ Everybody say, "Oh, oh" ♪
♪ We got your drummer there, "Oh, oh" ♪
♪ Mamacita say, "Oh, oh" ♪
♪ Mi amigo say, "Oh, Oh" ♪
Thank you so much. That was so much fun!
Oh, you're welcome! You're great. You're a dancer, huh?
What? Oh, no. I mean, forever ago.
I was the captain of the dance squad in college.
-Oh. -Yeah.
We ranked nationally three times, almost four.
We were robbed, but whatever. I'm over it.
Hey, a few of us are gonna go grab a drink. You want to come?
Um, uh...
Sure.
[laughing]
This is so much fun.
I feel like I'm back in college again.
[laughs]
Want another drink?
Um... no, thanks.
I think I've escaped my real life long enough.
I don't know why I said that. I love my life. I love it. Love it.
This one's on me.
When you told me we were having dinner in the Techtropolis parking lot,
I thought you were kidding.
No, I don't do that.
Oh.
-You're very pretty. -Thanks.
I always thought my nose was too big.
A little, but the rest of your face makes up for it.
[laughs]
Wow.
You're really honest, huh?
Yes. Is that bad?
No. It's refreshing.
-Tell me more. -Okay.
I'm really good at fixing computers,
and biology is my favorite subject in school.
Girls don't like me.
I love penguins, but I'm not supposed to talk about it.
I've never had sex before,
and I have a pet turtle named Edison,
who's named after Thomas Edison, but he's not as smart.
[laughs]
You're hilarious.
Thank you.
You never had sex?
No.
Want to?
[footsteps approaching]
-[breathing heavily] -Hey.
[panting]
What are you doing?
I just came to see if you changed your mind about going out with me.
I brought you this.
What is up with your family bringing me sweets?
I don't know. I like you.
Why?
Uh...
'Cause most people don't stand up to assholes, but you do.
-Then there was Mel. -Mm-hmm.
That was my longest relationship, like a month.
Wow. A month.
Stop it. [chuckles]
Why am I telling you this? Let's talk about something else.
What? No. I want to hear about your month with Mel.
[chuckles]
I don't know. I like what I do, I guess.
-Mm-hmm. -I don't mean my job necessarily.
Just my life.
I wake up when I want. I do what I want. I go where I want.
Last week, I wanted to go to the mountains, so I did.
I didn't have to plan anything or run it by anyone.
I mean, that may be weird, but I just...
I need that.
[chuckles]
Is that totally lame or what?
No, that sounds great.
I mean, you're a little old for that, but, you know?
-Thanks. -[both laugh]
I think, if it were really, really cold,
like Antarctica cold,
the coldness would feel like a sound.
The cold would be so intense that you could hear it.
I would like to hear that sound.
[Milo Greene's "Cutty Love" plays]
♪ I slip softly through ♪
Never been in a dorm. This isn't what I thought it would smell like.
Yeah. My roommate makes a lot of ramen.
[Sam] Sometimes, being touched makes me... jumpy.
It has to be hard touch, uh, pressure.
I like pressure. I don't like soft.
Is that okay to say on the first date?
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ It'll burn, burn, burn, burn, burn ♪
♪ Burn us both alive ♪
Aah!
What the hell?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What is wrong with you?
Seriously, are you retarded? Is there something wrong with your brain?
Get the hell out of my room.
Sometimes, when I feel most alone,
I imagine myself in that ice...
frozen, unable to move, but safe.
[horn blares]
I thought technical school would be dumb, but I actually really like it.
[chuckles]
Oh, hey. There he is, the "twat" guy.
What's wrong?
-[Sam sniffling] -Sam?
Here. Careful, it's hot.
[Evan] Hey, dude, don't feel too bad.
The first time's always a shit show.
My first time was on a Ping-Pong table, and it collapsed like two seconds in.
My balls got all wrapped up in the net. Really freaked her out.
How about you, Case? Was it crappy your first time?
Okay, gross.
I'm not discussing my sex life in front of my brother.
Not that there's anything to discuss.
Sometimes, I wish I was normal.
Well, dude...
nobody's normal.
[breathes deeply]
In fourth grade, my biology teacher, Mr. Durocher--
he was fat-- said penguins are similar to humans...
because once they copulate, they stay with the same partner for life.
So, what about you? What's your life like?
-Mm. -[chuckles]
Well, ironically, when I was in college,
I also dated a girl for about a month.
[laughs]
Mm. [laughs]
And I am a hairdresser.
Yours is too short.
[chuckles]
You're funny. And kind of mean.
[both chuckle]
Yeah, I'm always mean to people I like.
I think it's 'cause I expect so much.
So you like me.
[both laugh]
[Sam] But according to the 2010 census,
which is the most recent data I could acquire,
49% of marriages end in divorce.
Sorry. Um...
You know, um...
if you turn the heat up on your dishwasher,
you won't have those ugly white spots on the glasses. Just so...
[Sam] Penguins mate for life.
So penguins aren't like people.
They're better.
I wonder if they ever get tired of swimming.
They don't.
You know, Casey... told me what happened...
with the girl.
I wish I had a time machine.
I would go back in time and never ask her out
and also maybe visit the Middle Ages because...
jousting.
Look, I don't know about some of that stuff you're into,
but girls I know about, okay? And they're tough.
I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there.
I should never go on another date. I should just stay away from girls.
Sam, look, you got some stuff to figure out, but you will.
You're a good guy.
You're sensitive, and you're funny,
and the woman who ends up with you will be lucky.
You want to marry your best friend.
Edison?
No.
Not your turtle, Sam.
You said my best friend. He's my best friend.
I just...
I meant you want to be with someone who appreciates you for what you are.
You know, who loves all the little odd things about you...
who gets you.
Penguins mate for life, you know?
Yeah?
Well, good for them.
So, how are you feeling now? Still ready to give up on dating?
I don't know. My dad said to find someone
who appreciates me for what I am, which is a weirdo.
We talked a lot.
Glad to hear it.
And that makes sense. You're easy to talk to.
Yeah.
You're easy to talk to, too,
which is good 'cause, otherwise, you'd go broke.
[chuckles]
[Sam] When a male gentoo penguin chooses a mate,
he makes an offering.
He finds a pebble,
often taking the time to find the smoothest one,
and presents it to the female.
I'm a human, so it would be weird to offer a pebble.
Julia.
-I've decided I want to give you my brain. -[gasps] Really?
After I die.
Oh, Sam, that's so great.
You're gonna help so many people.
[chuckles]
Good smile.
It's not creepy at all.
I've been practicing.
Yeah, I can tell.
[Sam] If the female places the pebble in her nest,
she accepts him as a mate.
And as you already know, penguins mate for life.