Eggs.
We need eggs.
[Nick sighs]
Eggs!
[woman] Welcome to Valley Marketplace,
where we always treat you like family,
even if you're a cheating whore.
Register seven is now open for business,
just like Elsa Gardner's vagina.
That will be 46.39.
I cheated on my husband.
Okay.
Aren't you that one kid's mom?
No.
[crowd cheering]
Gonna break that record, superstar?
Don't jinx it.
And yes.
In nature, animals sprint at top speed
when escaping a predator.
I don't know why Casey does it.
Oh, crap. That Nelly Gutierrez from Clayton Prep is running today.
I was hoping she'd still be hurt. Young bones heal too fast.
[phone buzzing]
[Sam] Because humans are weak and slow, we can't outrun anything.
-Who's calling you? -Luisa from group.
Oh!
Sugar. I'll be right back.
- [man] Girls 400 meter. -The race is starting!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be right back.
Let's go, sweetie!
Let's go, Case!
[Sam] Few people know the deadliest man-killer is not a large beast,
like a lion or a tiger or cheetah.
[man] Set.
[starting pistol fires]
[Sam] It's a small annoying one that's impossible to outrun--
the mosquito.
[gasps] Oh.
-Aah! What are you doing? Oh! -Sam, what are you doing?
Sam, let go.
-What is happening? -Let her go! Sam, let go!
[screams]
-[Sam] Ow! Ow! -[Doug] Sorry. Aw, crap.
-Sam, it's okay. Hold on. -Whoa.
Put pressure on it.
Let's go to first aid. Sorry.
Oh, Jesus. [sighs]
[cheering]
Yes!
-[Briggs] Yes! -You broke the record!
Yes!
-You broke the record! -I'm good at my job!
Not the teaching history part, but this-- yes!
[laughing]
[Briggs] Good job. Good job.
Yeah, man.
How'd this happen? Weren't you paying attention?
I was watching the race, and everything happened so fast.
And I was watching the race...
I can't believe that I hurt my own kid.
Okay, sweetie. You couldn't have predicted he would grab that girl's ponytail.
You would have.
Probably.
But, you know, it's my fault.
I should have been there, and I'm really sorry.
-Hey, guys. -Hey!
-What did you think of the race? -Great.
You were so fast! You were like a human car.
-Yeah, vroom. -Amazing.
-You didn't see it. No. -No, we didn't.
-Sam had a major incident. -He cut his hand.
-He was very upset. -Honey...
I bought these with my own money, so you can't have one. Please don't ask.
Hey!
I didn't ask.
I feel like I keep messing up with you.
It's okay. Don't worry about it.
-Sam had a thing. I get it. -Yeah. It was a bad thing.
Mm-hmm.
[woman] He's sitting on the floor right now.
So, I guess my hair did this, and he grabbed it,
and I couldn't even move...
[school bell rings]
Hi, Sam.
I was actually just gonna ask you if...
I can't hear you. I'm wearing noise-canceling headphones.
Oh, that's okay.
[louder] I was gonna ask you if maybe you wanted...
You can shout all you want, but I still can't hear you.
These are top-of-the-line.
Just-- Can you take them off for just a second?
Hi. So I saw that we had a biology test coming up,
and... I don't know, I was just thinking that maybe
we could study together.
Why would I want to do that?
I'm getting an "A" in biology, and you're getting an "A" minus.
That wouldn't benefit me at all.
Okay.
[Julia] I just wanted to say thank you.
Yes, they're beautiful, but they still don't explain
how a chocolate-covered strawberry ended up in our living room.
I did not! That's not a snack you forget about.
It's a fancy fruit!
It's a sex fruit, Miles!
Because you obviously bought them for someone,
and I want to know who.
Thank you, again. I have to go.
But we'll discuss this matter later.
-Hi, Sam. -Someone sent you flowers.
-Was it Miles? -Yes.
Why? Is it a special occasion?
No, just to be nice.
Well, if he wanted to be nice,
he should've gotten you your favorite flower-- ranunculus.
Pretty flower, bad name.
[chuckles] I can't believe you've remembered that.
So, how are you?
The last time you were here, we were talking about girls.
How's it going with dating?
Bad. Bad, bad, bad. [sighs]
Most girls still completely ignore me, even when I'm wearing a leather jacket.
-Except Paige. -Who's Paige?
An annoying girl who's always bothering me when I'm wearing my headphones,
and she wants me to study with her even though we're both getting "A"s.
It sounds like she might like you.
Oh.
Well, I... I guess I should make her my girlfriend then.
You just said that she was annoying.
Does that matter?
Yes.
You need to figure out if you like her, Sam.
How?
Maybe get to know her a little better and then weigh the pros and cons.
That's what I did when I went to the pet store to get a turtle.
There was one with larger feet,
but Edison was younger with a more intricate shell pattern.
But I'll never find a girlfriend as good as Edison.
You never know.
This is gonna be good. I'm excited.
You've tried to get me back to this group for years.
I'm glad you're coming.
Me too.
[sighs deeply]
-What? -Nothing.
And I know it may seem silly to be celebrating a 15-year-old
making a three-word sentence, but, honestly,
it was one of the top-five moments of my life.
We had a pizza party.
Okay, that is not silly at all.
That is a huge breakthrough.
You know, it is so easy for those of us with higher-functioning kiddos
to forget what it's like for some of our other parents.
Doug, it's nice to see you. Do you have anything you'd like to share?
I-- okay.
[clears throat]
Um...
Yeah, I'm here because I want to continue to work on my skills
with our son Sam,
who's one of the more higher-functioning kiddos.
Um... you know, we've been getting along lately, and, um...
we had a incident the other day...
that was upsetting,
at our daughter Casey's track meet.
And Sam grabbed this girl's ponytail,
and I honestly didn't know what to do.
-Mm-hmm. -And...
And then this girl was screaming, and my autistic kid was...
Oh, Doug, so sorry. But we actually prefer to use people-first language here.
Okay.
[stammering] What?
So, we don't say "autistic kid."
We say "kid with autism,"
person before diagnosis.
He doesn't know that because it's just, we don't do that at our house.
So, it's really my bad. We probably should.
No, it... I mean, I know it, but I just...
-Anyway, it doesn't matter. -No. Go, Doug.
[all chuckle]
You know, the whole thing really threw me off
because we'd been getting along well.
And he's been seeing a therapist lately.
And I felt like he was getting better.
Oh, so sorry to interrupt you again,
but, um, there is no getting better in autism.
It's a neurological condition,
not a curable disease.
So, that's the difference.
He didn't mean that in a negative way, Kathy.
Of course not. I just meant he's been a lot less...
...you know, you know, "aah."
What Doug means... He means that Sam
is having more success using his replacement behaviors
in response to environmental stimuli.
Well, that is great news.
Doug, would you like to add anything else?
No, I'm good. Thank you.
Applause for Doug.
It's really great that you came.
[Sam] Julia says you shouldn't jump into a relationship
all willy-nilly.
I looked up "willy-nilly" online,
and it means reckless.
So I decided to conduct a brutal examination
of Paige's pros and cons.
I'm glad you changed your mind about studying together.
I mean, because it's very difficult to find equally
academically-motivated peers these days.
I don't usually talk when I study.
Oh.
Okay.
[whispering] Silent studying it is.
[chuckles]
Oh! You know what I really like to do when I'm studying?
It helps me remember things.
I like to make things into a rap,
like world history.
[rapping] ♪ When was the French and Indian War? ♪
♪ Oh, that was 1754 ♪
♪ Was it not 1763? ♪
♪ Nah, that's when they signed The peace treaty ♪
-Are you writing stuff about me? -Yes.
Can I-- can I see it?
No.
[Elsa] I have a confession to make.
I have missed your little faces.
And your big face.
So, I'm gonna make a very special family dinner
with all your favorite foods.
Doug, apple pie à la mode.
Yes! From scratch?
Oh, yeah, from scratch.
-Ah. -Sam, chicken fingers.
-From the box? -From the box.
And, Casey, bacon-wrapped figs.
-I haven't eaten pork in two years. -Then figs.
Can my special dish be "not coming"?
Nope. They were all out of that at the market.
It's tomorrow night, so be there or be square.
Sam, how's your arm? Is it okay?
Yes, and you've asked me that six times.
It was fine then. Why would it be different now?
Honey, he seems okay.
Stop beating up on yourself.
You know?
[gasps]
Jesus! What's the matter with you?
[stammers] Static.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Julia.
Doug Gardner. I'm Sam's father.
Oh! Hi, Doug!
-We met before. -Yeah, sorry.
-I wasn't expecting to see anyone. -That's okay.
-This is my neighborhood hideout spot. -Oh, yeah, you live around here?
Yeah, I moved to the neighborhood for these cookies.
Well, they look good.
Well, good to see you.
Yeah. Hey, Doug?
I just wanted you to know,
and I don't think I'm breaking any rules here...
you've been really helpful to Sam with dating stuff.
So...
I don't know, just keep doing what you're doing.
Oh, well, I'm trying.
You know, I had a rough couple of days.
I actually went to Elsa's support group
to try to talk,
but they told me that I was using the wrong words.
Let me guess. They were big on people-first language.
Yeah, well, it doesn't make a difference, right?
I mean, he's still autistic. Doesn't change how he is in the world.
And how he is in the world can make it hard sometimes,
but I think it's important to celebrate the small victories.
That's a good point. I appreciate that.
Hey, you want to sit?
Sure. You planning on finishing that cookie?
No, go ahead.
"Thick hair like arctic fox.
Doesn't have braces.
Was once on local news.
Pronounces it 'ape-ricot.'"
What the hell is this?
I'm making a pros-and-cons list to figure out if I like Paige.
Oh. Let me just add one more thing.
-Hey! Why'd you do that? -There's only one list you need.
She's a girl who wants to touch your peen.
That's not a list.
Julia said I need to figure out if I like Paige,
if I'm gonna make her my practice girlfriend,
so that's what I'm doing.
Fine. How well do you know her?
We mostly study in school.
Ah. That's your problem.
You're in a sterile, controlled environment.
You need to get her out into the world,
see how she reacts to the unexpected,
throw her a few curveballs.
You want me to throw balls at Paige?
No. Dude, come on... [sighs]
You're so lucky you have me.
I just think that you might have graded this incorrectly,
because I know that I learned it right.
[rapping] ♪ Algebra is easy It's purely mathematical ♪
♪ To isolate the "X," You remove it from the radical ♪
My mom and I have been working on that all week.
-Paige? -Yeah?
Would you like to hang out, not in school?
[stuttering] Shut up. Are you kidding me? Yes!
Okay. Here's my address.
I can't drive because my natural instinct is to close my eyes,
but you can take the bus to Churchill and walk six blocks,
or you can take an Uber if you're over 18,
per their policy I reviewed this morning.
Okay.
I need my lunch money.
I asked a girl out.
-Oh, I'm sorry. -Why?
I assume she said no.
-No, she said yes. -Really?
Oh, I'm sorry for her.
Coach Briggs, you wanted to see me?
Yes. Gardner, this is Shelby Pines.
She's the athletic director of Clayton Prep.
Hi.
I saw your impressive win on Saturday. You smoked the competition.
Do you need me to pee in a cup?
-[chuckles] -No.
No.
Actually, I've been keeping tabs on you for a while now.
You're very strong in the 400,
and the way you anchored that relay tipped the scales for your team.
There were four of us. The other girls are really fast, too.
Not like you. That's why Clayton Prep would like to recruit you.
Gardner, I think of you like a daughter...
much to the chagrin of my real daughter,
who can't run fast at all.
I think you should at least consider this opportunity.
-They want to recruit you? -Yeah.
-Whoa! -I know. It's crazy, right?
-Yeah. -Clayton is the best school in the state.
And their girls go to Division I colleges and the Olympics,
and they had a girl that was in a Nike commercial. She outran a tornado.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
But, I mean, really, I'm not gonna go there.
Like, that school's all rich and fancy.
It's, like, it's so not me.
Well, you know, good,
'cause Clayton's like an hour away.
-We'd never see each other. -Yeah.
And then you would miss me, and then you'd be distracted,
and you'd fail all your classes,
and then, you know, you'd be homeless.
And then I'd have to make Spam sandwiches and deliver them to you
at whatever bus stop you'd be living in.
And, trust me, nobody wants that.
You want to go, don't you?
Shut up.
Are your parents cool with me coming to dinner?
I'm pretty sure your dad hates me.
Yeah, they're fine with it...
'cause they don't know.
Damn it, Casey.
Hey, Mrs. Gardner.
Evan.
Wow.
-What a nice surprise. -Hey, hi. Yeah.
We have cheese.
Help yourself. And figs.
Oh. Love figs.
All kids do.
Casey, this is a family dinner.
I've been cooking all day. This is important to me.
Only you would invite someone to a family dinner
without even asking.
Sam... and friends.
-So many people! -This is awesome.
Zahid's my friend.
Paige is just a girl from school.
Come on in. You know the drill.
I certainly do.
So strong. Thank you. [clears throat]
Well, it's very nice to meet you all.
-Evan. -Mr. Gardner.
Dad.
Why are we all saying each other's names?
Guys, why don't you go sit on the sofa and talk amongst yourselves?
And I'll be there in a minute.
Maybe tell an embarrassing story about yourself that nobody else knows.
We did that as an icebreaker at Sam's camp last summer
and, boy, were there some red faces.
[Casey] Okay.
Ay, yai, yai. These kids are a pain in the ass.
Did we make enough food?
[chuckles] You are adorable.
Yes, we did.
Ah. I know you wanted to have a small family dinner,
but the good news is Sam has two friends.
Sam has two friends.
Julia says we got to celebrate the small victories.
You talked to Julia?
No. But Sam always says that she says that.
-Yeah, I say stuff like that, too. -I know. You say it better than her.
Come here.
-What are you wearing? -A jacket, weirdo.
-Take it off. -Why? I'm cold.
There are a lot of people here now.
The room's gonna heat up. I know Zahid runs hot.
What?
Here's what we're gonna do.
A series of random and unsynchronized tests
to determine whether Paige has what it takes to be your bae.
I don't understand your methods, Zahid, but I trust you.
Check it.
Hey, Paige, think fast.
I'll get it.
Subpar reflexes, dude.
Physical prowess isn't important to me.
My apologies, Casey.
Hi. Could I use your powder room?
Yeah, if you stop talking like the queen of England.
The one that flushes is upstairs.
Oh, yeah, okay.
[British accent] Cheerio.
[mutters]
[exhales]
Something weird happened at school today.
[sniffs] Why do you smell like smoke?
-I don't know. -No, your, uh...
Your jacket reeks. [sniffing]
You been... You been smoking around my daughter?
Cigarettes? No.
What do you mean, "Cigarettes? No."? You been smoking something else?
-Dad. -I'm sure it was someone else.
I mean, everyone at that school smokes.
It's like an episode of Mad Men.
[chuckles]
Maybe it's a little... a little doobage?
Huh? Blunt? Kush?
Since it's clearly, like, bothering you, why don't we just-- honey?
Sorry, what?
We're just gonna take it off.
What? What the hell are you doing?
-Okay. Get this... -[laughs]
-Are you serious? -Right.
Yeah, much better.
I like the smell of smoke.
Reminds me of my Uncle Rashid when he used to give me sips of his beer.
He's got a Corvette.
[sighs] Sorry to interrupt, everybody.
Apparently, I kind of do that a lot.
Some would even say it's one of my worst qualities, so...
So, anyway, Coach called me into his office today--
Mrs. Gardner, I was just gonna ask you to pass the iced tea,
but, you know, I didn't want to sound bossy.
[whispering] Brown Sugar... Brown Sugar to Penguin,
the hyena has the scroll.
She knows.
Is everything okay?
Well, to be honest with you, no, it's not.
I found the pros and cons list that you made about me.
No, he wouldn't do that, would you?
I would, and I did.
You wrote a burn book about the only girl that's ever liked you?
-That's hilarious! -[chuckling]
-What are you laughing at, Cheech? -He did say you have very clean shoes.
You've read it too, I see.
How many people have you showed this to, Sam?
Oops, made it worse.
Why would you make a list about Paige?
To help me decide if I want her to be my girlfriend or not.
Girlfriend?
Okay, I... I should probably go.
This was a lovely dinner, though, Mr. and Mrs. Gardner.
So, um... thank you.
-She's mad? -Yes.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
You're mad.
Why would you write that mean stuff about me?
Well, I wrote good things, too.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, before I read your list,
I didn't know I had a nice neutral smell,
but, you know, I don't even care, Sam,
that you're trying to decide if you like me or whatever.
I mean, I'm kind of trying to do that about you, too.
But you're not supposed to write that stuff down.
-Why not? -I don't know.
It's a rule.
Well, now that I know it's a rule, I won't do it again.
And how did you read my list when it's in my back pocket?
I made an etching.
What...
Are you serious?
Resourcefulness.
That's a major pro.
You have more pros than cons.
Whoop-de-doo.
Paige... I know I made you mad,
but do you want to be my girlfriend?
[sighing] Oh, my God.
Yes.
We've never met this girl.
I never even heard her name before-- Paige?
-I have a little news. -Big news.
I mean, I knew he was interested in girls,
but this is, you know, awfully fast.
I'm being recruited.
By Clayton Prep.
Yeah, I guess they saw my last race, and I don't know, they want me.
Wow! Clayton?
-Mm-hmm. -That's huge.
-Yeah, right? -[Elsa] Wow.
How far away is Clayton? I mean, would you have to leave Newton?
No, Mom, I love high school so much, I'd go to both.
No, they want me to start right away.
What do you guys think?
Wow. That's exciting.
Yeah. [chuckles]
-There's a lot to discuss. -Yeah, for sure.
We have to figure it out.
I mean, you know,
I'm sorry, honey, but I don't think there's any way that this could work.
I mean, we need you at the same school as Sam, right?
But we'll talk about it when your friends aren't here.
'Cause he doesn't have a one-to-one aide anymore.
And he relies on you heavily.
So, I'm...
-I don't know how it could happen. -Yeah.
-[Casey] Okay. -We'll talk about it later.
-Okay. -Okay. Yeah.
[Elsa] Zahid. That's an interesting name.
Where are you from?
Vermont. We moved here when I was in the sixth grade.
But we still head back every fall to peep them leaves.
I'm sorry, but, um...
Whoa, why is he standing up?
-Where are you going? -You have two kids.
Evan, don't.
No, but you act like you have one. And I get it.
[stammering] Sam's got a disability or whatever.
But Casey broke a record.
She did something cool, and you guys didn't even see it.
I mean, where were you?
Now she's got a chance to go to a fancy-ass school!
Sorry for my language.
But, I mean, I don't want her to go three towns away, either,
but at least I get that she's...
she's too good for this place.
So...
that's all.
Um...
The roast was really good.
Mom, it's okay.
[door opens]
I have a girlfriend.
[door shuts]
Nice. She's wound a little tight, but I like her style.
I'm back. [chuckles]
Dessert. [clears throat]
Dessert. I, um...
I need to buy ice cream.
Um... I forgot. I'm just gonna go to the store.
I made apple pie à la mode, and I forgot the ice cream, which is the mode.
Don't anybody leave. I'll be back in seven minutes.
I'm lactose-intolerant.
Yeah. You got a lot of things going on, don't you, sweetie?
♪ Bouncing by your side ♪
♪ Consume you with more regret ♪
[music continues]
Hey. I need to talk to you about something.
-Okay. -Can you cover your arms, please?
Never mind.
What we did, it was nice.
-I agree. -But it's done.
I have a life. I have a family.
And I can't do for them what I need to do
with you in my head, all right?
And what are you doing,
having sex with a married woman anyway, you know?
You're bad. You are a bad person.
You know, being all sexy and cute with me-- bad!
So we're done.
All right? Goodbye.
And...
do you have any vanilla ice cream?
I can't go to the Valley Marketplace, and that's your fault, too.
Ice cream?
So, yeah, turns out she wasn't a bot.
She was my cousin Tushar. Small world.
I haven't talked to him since.
Listen, Mom and I will talk about Clayton Prep, so don't worry about it.
-Really? -Yes, I promise.
Mm.
And your stoner boyfriend, he's starting to grow on me.
But just remember if the situation ever calls for it,
I'll body slam that little shit. You know that, right?
-Yeah. Yeah. -Okay.
Okay.
[panting]
Who wants dessert?
Good.
♪ Hey, girl, you better slow ♪
♪ Hey, girl, I'm mad as fuck ♪
♪ That we ain't never fucked ♪
♪ I mean, like, what the fuck? ♪
♪ What, was that too abrasive for ya? ♪
♪ Let... Let me get at it again ♪
♪ I got you, babe, I got you, babe ♪
♪ Well, goddamn, You hot as hell ♪
♪ I mean, I might as well ♪
♪ See what that might entail ♪
♪ I got some slight detail From your homegirl ♪
♪ I knew your girlfriend back in the day ♪
♪ And she said You was looking for somebody ♪
♪ So I'm Slim, but call me Sugar She think and caught me looking ♪
♪ Don't trip, you too good-looking You could be looking ♪
♪ At the future Mrs. Sugar ♪
♪ If she play her cards right ♪
♪ And I'm hittin' that thing, I tell ya ♪
♪ But yo, but, yo, I came to kick it You know, Phife Dog and Tip ♪
♪ And Ali Shaheed, Jarobi ♪
♪ My flow be the golden ticket ♪
♪ So you enjoy the show and I'll... ♪