[pop music playing]
[Casey moans]
No.
[whispers] Ow. You're on my hair.
[sighs] Dude, you're on my hair.
[sighs]
[moans]
♪ Just remember what you said When you were all alone ♪
♪ Set your love to carry the sea ♪
♪ I hope there's someone Who knows how to breathe ♪
[vocalizes]
♪ But you can say the love is true ♪
♪ Except emotion love around you ♪
♪ So you can find the things to do ♪
♪ Except emotion love around you ♪
[vocalizing]
Did you sleep on the floor last night?
Yeah, uh... I did.
Sweaty in there, you're like a furnace.
Maybe my body's just used to sleeping in an apartment
-where the heater doesn't always work. -[both laugh]
You all right?
Who wants eggs in the hole?
Oh, I'm headed out.
So early?
Yeah, I'm behind in econ, so I'm gonna go to the student lounge and study.
You should have told me. I would've gone with you.
I didn't wanna wake you up.
So no egg, no hole?
What about running?
I'm gonna skip it this morning. I'm a little tired.
Yeah, of course you are. You were up fooling around with your friend all night.
I gotta go. See ya.
Ah, yes, the moral quandary, a state of uncertainty
requiring a choice between equally unfavorable options.
But if that's too confusing for your soft, millennial brains, let's call it a pickle.
That's actually more confusing.
Well, think of it as a dilemma, Sam.
Say you're the engineer of a runaway train, right?
You go left and you kill five people you know that are tied to the tracks,
but you go right, you kill 20 people that you don't know.
What do you do?
Kill the five because less death. It's not a quandary.
Okay.
All right, say a guy robs a bank
and he gives the money to orphans.
Right? So you now have a choice.
You can either turn him in, the money goes back to the bank
or you can let him go and the orphans keep the money. What do you do?
Turn him in. Sorry, orphans. It's not a quandary.
[laughs] Well, you live in quite the black and white world, Mr. Gardner.
Oh, as you leave, a reminder, the midterm exam will be in three weeks,
and it will be soul crushing.
So study all night...
you just might pass.
Party all night and you will likely fail.
I rarely party and when I do, it's never all night.
Again, not a quandary.
[theme music playing]
All right, Sammy, it's time for Zahidarella to head to the ball.
How do I look?
Like a UPS truck.
Okay, I can see that. Boxy, brown, and I deliver a big package.
Are you and Gretchen really going to a ball?
No, Souplantation.
But if all goes well, around 10:30,
there might be some ball-related activity.
That is a reference to my scrotum.
Okay.
It's hard to believe how much has changed in just a few months. I mean, look at me.
I'm killing it in nursing school.
I'm in love with a beautiful woman,
and with Bob on vacation in Jamaica,
I'm slipping quite comfortably into this new boss roll.
Fix your collar. Giddy up.
You know how Bob insists on setting the thermostat to 70?
Well, I set it to 69. [laughs]
But that was too cold so I bumped it back up to 70.
Still, power move.
We're missing a turquoise Fitbit.
For reals?
Look, it says we have one in stock, and we have zero in stock.
Hmm. Nice catch, Inspector Gardner.
Although I've gotta give that thief some props, turquoise is a lovely color.
Gretchen has a turquoise Fitbit.
Mm-hmm. And a matching thong.
Her good taste knows no bounds: exhibit A.
Do you happen to remember the serial number on her Fitbit?
You're cute.
Anyway, I should probably get going. I don't wanna miss out on that split pea.
That is also a scrotum reference.
[Sam] See? There she is.
God, I hate her.
But you came to the right place for advice.
You happen to be in the presence of a professional tuba thief.
It's true, although I'm not very good at it.
-Got caught right away. -[Casey] Hmm.
I don't need advice.
I already know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna tell Bob as soon as he gets back.
He'll put her picture on the wall of shame
next to the massage chair masturbator
and Jasper for my peer group.
He tested electric toothbrushes without buying them,
-and that's why we lock them up now. -[Casey chuckles]
Well, you should probably talk to Zahid first.
Because he's the interim store manager?
No, because he's your friend.
You never know what might happen if you get in the middle of a couple.
I mean, things can get messy.
[Sam] Hmm.
Okay, fine, I'll talk to Zahid.
But I have no idea why someone would wanna date
a mean, college-hating thief like Gretchen.
-You probably shouldn't start with that. -Hmm.
God, it's hard raising kids these days.
[laughing]
No, no, no!
No, your dad could be here any minute, and I just got on his good side.
-Don't wanna mess that up. Not here. -Okay, fine, come on.
-[Izzie] Oh. -Oh.
-Hi. -Hi.
Hey.
How was the bathroom?
It was great. Thank you for asking.
We were just gonna--
Make out a little.
Okay, yeah.
Okay, got it.
-Okay, bye. -Bye.
[door closes]
So are we settled on her being your best friend?
-Ha ha. -[laughs]
[Elsa] I think I'm still in shock.
I mean, surprising me with Fleetwood Mac tickets. It's just so romantic.
[Luisa laughs]
I'm just sorry I won't be here to smash all these plates with you.
-I make a mean mosaic. -Don't be sorry.
I don't even know why I volunteered for this project.
Yes, I do, I was a little drunk.
And you get to smash stuff.
Okay, I don't wanna read too much into this,
but Fleetwood Mac is our thing.
I mean, one of our first dates was seeing them at Madison Square Garden.
Stevie Nicks waved at me.
Doug bought me a hot dog from a street vendor.
We made out on the E train.
Classy.
I just...
It feels like, for the first time in a long time,
things are good between us again.
I mean, not good but, you know, better.
This is exciting.
[sighs] I know.
Hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
No.
On second thought, let's see how it looks by the TVs.
Thanks, buddy.
Sam, it's so fun being bossy.
That's why Beyoncé couldn't ban that word.
Also, who bans a word? That's bossy.
I know who stole the turquoise Fitbit,
but Casey said I should tell you before I tell Bob.
And as the acting manager of Techtropolis,
I commend your for your allegiance
and award you one extra pee break.
It was Gretchen.
My Gretchen? Impossible.
The only thing she's ever stolen is my heart.
Well, then she's stolen your heart and a turquoise Fitbit.
Look, Sam, I don't wanna lord my new power over you,
but with that sort of accusation,
-I'm gonna need some hard evidence. -Sure.
You can tell it's her because of her scowl.
Shrinkage.
What?
Every company this size expects that customers will on occasion...
remove items from the store without paying for them.
-Stealing. -It's called shrinkage, Sam.
And it's built into the price of every single item.
Honestly, it'd be more unusual if someone didn't take a Fitbit once in awhile.
No, the employee handbook says that if we see someone steal,
we have to report it to Bob.
Who are you trying to protect here, Sam, John Jay Techtropolis or the little guy?
Aka, my hometown honey, who's just trying to stay fit.
I'm not trying to protect anyone.
-I'm just following the rules. -Exactly.
Is Gretchen really the sort of person
who deserves to have her perfectly symmetrical face pinned
onto the wall of shame?
I mean, she didn't masturbate in the massage chair.
She didn't leave a Snickers bar in the display microwave
so people would think it's a turd.
That's true.
Please, Sam. Do this for me.
I...
-I don't know. -Don't forget.
I've gotten you out of a lot of pickles.
I have a pickle.
Hmm. I'm all ears.
I have proof that Zahid's girlfriend stole from Techtropolis,
where we both work,
but Zahid said I shouldn't turn her in because of shrinkage,
and if I do, I only really care about John Jay Techtropolis,
which by the way, is not his real name, I looked it up.
Oh, so clearly you're taking the deontological approach,
whereas this Zahid character, well, he's turning it into a virtue issue.
That's fascinating.
No, not fascinating.
I'm confused why my friend would ask me to ignore company protocol
and cover up a Class C misdemeanor.
So Zahid is a friend?
My best friend.
Okay, thought experiment, Sam.
Is Zahid the sort of person who makes morally questionable decisions?
Anybody want some froyo?
What? Samples are free.
You can kiss someone if they're married as long as they're not happily married.
You're actually doing them a favor, and favors are nice.
Yo, Sam, my health insurance just went up.
Would you mind dropping this on my foot so I can get some sweet workers comp?
Not without a morally sound explanation.
Keep in mind there are different friends for different seasons,
and maybe this just isn't the right season for Zahid.
-What, fall? -No.
I'm saying friends come and go.
You know what you should really take a look at?
Kant's Critique of Pure Reason.
It's a bit too utilitarian for my taste,
but if you can get past the first 300 pages, I think you'll see--
[Julia] I don't wanna toot my own horn,
but I am crushing my return from maternity leave.
I've already taught a class,
had three meetings and gotten a head-start on my grant application.
Full steam ahead! [laughs]
But really, how are you?
Truly honestly, never better.
Julia.
Maybe I miss Hanzo a tiny bit.
Julia.
And maybe some of my classes are further away than I'd like.
Julia. [laughs]
I just crumped in a janitor's closet!
Crumped, like...
No, it's cry while pumping.
It's been happening so much I developed a shorthand.
Oh, honey. Come.
My classes are clear across campus, and I can't get back here in time to pump
-so janitor's closet. -Ugh.
[sighs] It's just too much!
You know, being a new mom, teaching classes,
doing research, trying to get published.
Even if I gave up sleeping, there wouldn't be enough hours in a day.
I know because I've done it.
Finally.
You've been gone forever, I have so much to tell you.
Zahid wants me to lie to protect his terrible girlfriend as a favor.
-Sam-- -And he helps me all the time.
When Stumpy had a parasite, he dragged trainer Malik away from the otters.
Do you know how hard it is to get someone away from the otters? They're so cute.
Okay, Sam...
I'm happy to see you, but my office hours are just for my students.
But I do host a board game night every other week for students on the spectrum.
We talk, eat pizza...
You should come.
How do these students feel about Bananagrams?
Big fans.
Okay.
Maybe.
Sam.
It sounds like maybe Zahid has forgotten who he is.
Like amnesia?
No, like he's changing himself.
Well, I haven't forgotten who he is. In fact, I have it all written down.
Like every explorer worth his salt,
I keep meticulous records of my journeys.
Where I go,
what I learn.
Because you never know when you'll need valuable wisdom.
Or to remind a good friend who he used to be.
[exhales]
Jeez, Newton, haven't seen you all day.
Feel like I see you less now that I live with you.
Hey, not now, okay? I'm trying to focus.
-Love our chats. -[gun fires]
[Casey grunts]
-Ugh. -[baton clatters]
[grunts, exhales]
-[whistle blows] -Oh! Oh.
Sorry! Sorry.
♪ From one to the other ♪
♪ There's nothing That we'll ever find hard ♪
♪ Until we get in each other's ways ♪
[whistle blows]
-Hey, superstar. Get over here. -[panting]
What's going on with you? Hmm?
Watching you is tremendously painful right now.
My eyeballs hurt.
I'm just a little tired.
I have some personal stuff.
You wanna talk about it?
Look, everything's awful at your age.
I wouldn't go back for all the money in the world.
Really? All the money?
Okay, could you not be a smart-ass when I'm trying to help?
Sorry.
But if you don't wanna jeopardize your future,
you need to channel all that teenage drama directly into running.
Starting tomorrow.
-Wait, tomorrow? -Yeah, I'm sending you home.
I can't watch another second of this. Seriously, I might vomit.
Hey, you look cool.
Thanks. I feel cool.
All right, I'm going out. I'll see you later.
Oh, I-- [laughs]
I thought we were going out.
What?
Nothing. I found those Fleetwood Mac tickets in the sunroom.
No, I'm--
Yeah, I'm going with people from peer group.
But...
I only found two tickets.
Yeah, I...
bought Megan's ticket when we decided to go
'cause it was easier that way and she's-- she's paying me back.
Sure.
All right, well, have fun, the two of you. I mean all of you, the big group.
[stammers] Yeah, have fun. Great fun.
Sorry about the confusion.
It's fine.
Wow. You make volunteering really fun.
I've been so patient with him.
I've waited and waited.
And nothing has changed except I've gotten my hopes up,
only to have them smashed!
Oh, that was a big one.
A shard hit my goggle.
I mean, Fleetwood Mac. Fleetwood Mac!
Get it, girl. Show that little teacup.
There's only so far I can step back
before I feel like I'm falling off a cliff.
Here, drink this.
And then smash it.
Thank you.
Hi.
Okay, well,
yeah, my manager told me that we're gonna need to take this table back.
Come on, I'm a paying customer.
Kind of. You've been here three hours,
you had one slice of pizza and seven refills.
That's your fault for putting so much ice in the cups.
Casey, I love ya, go home.
Maybe take a shower.
Okay, fine.
Hey, what's wrong?
Nothing.
You mad?
No.
Just...
Nobody wants me around.
Well, why don't you go find Izzie? She wants ya.
I don't wanna find Izzie. You're my boyfriend.
You should wanna hang out with me.
Yeah, I do wanna hang out with you, but, I mean, I'm at work.
Okay, well, what about later?
Later I've gotta study for the EMT stuff.
Okay, fine, whatever.
Oh, come on.
Hey.
Why you gotta be such a grump?
I'm doing what you said, I'm leaving.
I'm gonna get a refill on the way out.
[sighs]
It looks really... good.
Are you sure? I don't look silly?
Silly? No.
Silly like a fox, maybe.
That's nice to hear.
These were really the only good things to happen to me on this trip.
Hmm. That is upsetting.
First, I ate a really bad brownie,
then I fell asleep on the beach and someone stole my sandals
right off my feet.
Then I got a terrible sunburn and had to stay in our room
-almost the whole time. -Yeesh.
Luckily, our friend Tim was there to keep the wifey company.
Some nights she had so much fun,
she didn't come back to the room at all. [laughs]
He's a good man.
You sure about that?
Sam, you don't work tonight.
Hi, Bob.
You look silly. Zahid, I need to talk to you outside.
Uh...
Okay.
All right, what's all this?
These are all of my old notebooks, 31 to be exact.
I consider them my archives, if you will.
I will.
I reread all of them, every page, and I discovered something.
What, that your boob drawings have really improved?
No, I discovered you, the real you.
But this is the real me.
No, it's not.
You're breaking your own rules.
Because like Stumpy you have a parasite
and that parasite's name is Gretchen.
Dude, ouch.
And wrong, Gretchen is not a parasite.
She's a princess.
She's dope, lovely, in every possible way.
She hasn't changed me.
Not true.
Notebook seven, page nine:
"Bros before hoes."
Notebook 24, page six:
"Brown dudes look dope in hot pink."
Doesn't sound like me.
Notebook 30, page 19:
"Never let a chica change you."
This Gretchen is bad news.
Listen, Sam, the rules go out the window when you're in love.
You just don't get how relationships work.
I'm in a relationship with Paige.
Your "thing" with Paige is really sweet,
but let's be real, you wouldn't even be in it
if I didn't coach you every tiny step of the way.
Well, I've been with Paige longer than you've been with Gretchen.
It's not about time, it's about depth,
and what we have is deeper.
You just couldn't understand it.
Stumpy was mean to her friends, too.
Hmm.
Sam, you came.
Yes, but only because I didn't know what else to do
because the advice you gave didn't work at all.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
Maybe games and pizza will help.
-I certainly hope so. -Here. You can sit next to me.
We're playing Battleship, and I totally know where Jasper's aircraft carrier is.
No, you don't.
Is everything okay?
Why does everyone always ask that?
Clearly the answer is no,
and when is everything ever okay?
The answer is never.
That's dark. I like it.
H5.
[sighs] Hit. Darn.
On the one hand, Zahid is my best friend,
and on the other hand, Gretchen his girlfriend is a thief,
and on the third hand, he said something very rude
about my relationship with Paige.
And that's a lot of hands.
There's a lot going on.
I want to turn her in, but if I do then Zahid will be mad,
so I don't know what to do.
I don't know who any of these people are, but I don't like them.
Your turn.
When I don't know what to do,
my mom tells me always try to do the right thing.
B7.
-[woman] Miss. -What?! [sighs]
Having fun?
No, but Jasper did give me some good advice.
-It's true, I did. -Nice.
-And here's some good advice for you: A9. -Ugh! Sam!
Ha ha! I've sunken your battleship.
Sam, you're back.
Hello, Bob. There's an incident I need to report.
While you were away in Jamaica getting your hair braids,
Zahid's terrible girlfriend Gretchen stole a turquoise Fitbit.
I discovered the discrepancy while doing inventory.
She's also stealing his soul.
Is this true?
The soul part, hard no.
But you knew she shoplifted and you didn't tell me.
From my time in Jamaica, I'm tempted to say,
"Don't worry, be happy, mon."
But from my time as store manager, your girlfriend is banned, Zahid,
she's going on the wall of shame,
and you are on very thin ice.
One thing,
I asked you to do one thing for me.
After everything I've done for you.
What she did was illegal and against store policy.
I had to turn her in or else I'd be breaking the rules.
You and me are done.
We're not friends anymore.
What do you mean, we're not friends?
I don't know how else to say it.
Actually, I do.
You are un-homied.
Hi.
Hey.
We need to talk.
Okay.
[sighs] I've been doing a lot of thinking.
And...
I can't do this.
What?
I want us to separate.
What?
Elsa.
I know it's a lot to...
process and we don't have to talk about it all now, I just...
I just think we both need to get past this...
painful purgatory.
And...
I just think it's...
the best option, well...
it's, like, the only option.
Well...
[panting]
[Izzie] Strange time to practice.
But better late than never?
I swear I'm not a stalker.
I just really had to talk to you.
How'd you find me?
Do you even have to ask?
Elsa tracks my phone.
First off...
it sucks you're avoiding me.
I put myself out there...
and I was honest with you.
And for that I get the silent treatment?
Even if you don't feel the same, you can at least be there for me as a friend.
You're making me feel crazy!
Honestly...
if I knew...
that you were gonna be all weird
and that this is gonna jeopardize our friendship,
I never in a million years would have told you how I felt,
because it is becoming incredibly clear
that you don't feel the same way.
[pop music playing]
♪ Children, behave ♪
♪ That's what they say When we're together ♪
♪ And watch how you play ♪
♪ They don't understand and so we're Running just as fast as we can ♪
♪ Holding on to one another's hands ♪
♪ And I think we're alone now ♪
♪ There doesn't seem to be anyone around ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ The beating of our heart Is the only sound ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ There doesn't seem to be anyone around ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ The beating of our heart Is the only sound ♪