[crowd cheering]
[crowd chanting] Fluffy!
- [cheering stops] - [Gabriel] Man, look at this crowd.
They are going crazy for this guy.
Who is he?
Why are they losing their minds?
Well, I guess we're just gonna have to go back to the beginning
and figure it out.
Editor, please do me a favor and take us back to the beginning.
[tape rewinds]
[Gabriel] Uh, you know what? I think you might have gone a little too far.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I get it. Last special. Performed at a stadium.
Mexican Taylor Swift over here.
Okay. Uh... I... You went a li...
Hello? That's... a lot...
Uh, you went...
All right. Real funny, editor.
Real funny.
When I said go back to the beginning, this isn't what I meant.
- But seriously, how long is this special? - [chime dings]
[Gabriel] Oh. Okay, well, we'll rewind it just that amount,
and let's give these people somethin' to talk about.
[clanking]
- [shot machine chiming] - [coins clinking]
["Trendsetter" playing]
♪ The number you have dialed Is not available at present ♪
♪ Please leave your message After the beep ♪
♪ Yeah, trendsetter ♪
♪ Whoa, league of my own ♪
♪ It don't get better, no Read what I wrote ♪
♪ I'm a bestseller, yeah ♪
♪ Reach for my goals ♪
♪ Hit it dead center, hit it dead center ♪
- [bell dings] - ♪ Bull's-eye, hit it the most... ♪
[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
[cheering grows louder]
♪ A better bat Because I'm bigger, better ♪
♪ Solo singles selling several shows Out every second ♪
♪ Peter Piper picked A peck of pickled peppers ♪
♪ Connor came And crushed the competition ♪
♪ Hope they get the message ♪
♪ Look, living it fast Been in my Eminem bag, never go slow ♪
♪ Thinking I'll crash, end up in the past They know I won't though ♪
♪ Big fish catchin' me They gon' need a bigger boat ♪
♪ Ironic how the world stops When I spin the globe ♪
♪ Always showing up ♪
♪ Last year's songs still holdin' up... ♪
[cheering grows louder]
[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
We're in Miami, bitch!
[loud cheering]
Yeah. Freaking Miami.
This is the only place I could pull this off.
[crowd laughs]
I can't wear this in LA. They're like,
[in Spanish] "I'm blind!"
[in English] "It's too much."
Ah, freaking Mexican DJ Khaled up here. I know, right?
Also, I would like to thank, since we're here,
Only in Dade.
Thank you so much.
If you know, you know...
[audience cheers]
...and I think you know.
[crowd chuckles]
And also, to my friends over at La Carreta for all the food. So...
[crowd cheers]
Yes.
[laughing]
Yeah, man.
Before we get started, you guys,
uh, I would like to thank the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino
for the opportunity to record a special.
No other entertainer has done a special here yet.
Tonight is the first one.
[crowd cheering]
It wasn't the Rolling Stones. It wasn't the Eagles.
They trusted a comedian...
[crowd cheers]
...to make this happen.
So I wanna say thank you.
Is anybody else staying here at the, uh... at the Hard Rock?
[crowd cheers]
Hey, me too.
[audience laughs]
This is a beautiful hotel,
and I'm not just saying that 'cause my room is free.
[audience laughs]
You know you're in a nice hotel and casino when you turn on your TV in your room
and they have their own video.
Like, if you're staying here, you turn on the TV, you get this,
[trills tongue]
[feminine voice] "Welcome to the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino."
[audience chuckles]
[moans seductively]
"Twenty-four-hour gambling, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
[moans suggestively]
I'm sitting there like, "Why can't I stop watching this?"
And I started thinking,
at this point, why don't they just do that to the slot machines?
You know? Gambling's already shameless.
Might as well go all the way.
You walk up to one of the little machines, pop in a 20.
[whirring]
[moans loudly]
[whirring, moans]
[feminine voice] "Don't stop." [as self] "I'm not gonna."
[audience laughs]
People are walking by. "What are you doing?"
- [as self] "Trying to get the jackpot!" - [audience laughs]
Yeah, man. I'm gonna start the show off tonight with a question.
That's not how comedy shows happen, but I'm gonna start it with a question.
The question is,
who here tonight has never heard of me up until tonight?
[scattered cheering]
Five.
Two. Five. Okay.
To those of you, the five of you, I say, "Sorry."
I know you got excited. You saw the ticket.
You saw the last name, and then I walked out.
And you're like, "Enrique got bigger."
[audience laughs]
The only reason why I ask who has never seen or heard of me before
is because if you have, then you know the type of show that I do.
And you know the type of show that I don't do.
Like, I'm not here to tell you who to vote for, who not to vote for,
what shot to take or what baby to get rid of.
That's not for me to say.
If you're already offended, you missed the point.
I'm telling you what I'm not gonna do.
I promise you, I am here to entertain, not offend. Okay?
[audience cheers]
We're gonna have fun with everybody.
Starting with me,
but I'm gonna let you know, we're living in a different time.
I've been doing this so long,
I always figured, as long as I'm being nice,
I shouldn't have any issues, but it's a very different time.
This is year 27 for me.
[crowd cheers]
Yeah.
Twenty-seven years of being a comedian.
And in those 27 years, I never had to worry.
You know, when I first got started, shoot... 1997,
I was clean-shaven,
I had hair.
I know. Look at some of you. "What happened?"
Huh?
Vaccine. I know.
I'm kidding. I'm kid... I'm kidding. Sorry, Florida.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I said "Vaccine," some of you were like, "I told you!" Yeah.
[crowd laughs]
[in Spanish] "I told you. He said so."
[audience chuckles]
[in English] Some friends tell me,
"Dude, man, you're making money now. Why don't you get the hair thingy?"
I said, "For what?"
"Well, you know, some women, they want a guy with hair."
Well, good for them.
[audience laughs]
And they're not lying.
I have gone out with some women that made it a point to tell me
that hair was important.
One told me flat out, "I need to be able to run my fingers through your hair."
Yeah! And I told her, "Hey, look, if you go deep enough...
[audience laughs]
...you're gonna get your wish."
"You were not specific on location. Hey."
"You want hair, you want pelos, I got you."
But, yeah, 27 years of being a comedian.
And in those 27 years, I have seen a lot of comedians
come and go.
And I feel very grateful that in all that time,
we've still managed to maintain a certain level.
[audience cheers]
So I feel like we're doing something right.
Which feels weird to me,
because now I feel like you gotta be very mindful.
Okay? You gotta be extra mindful. Like... Uh, 27 years of being a comedian,
I finally started hearing people tell me things
that I've never heard before.
I started hearing people tell me things like,
"Hey, Fluffy. I grew up watching you."
[audience chuckles]
Which is an incredible compliment because that doesn't just say
that you're a fan, that says that you're invested.
That says that you've been following this career for a very long time.
Some of you, the first time you saw me perform, you were kids.
[audience cheers]
And now some of you are here tonight with your kids.
[audience cheers]
And so, I just want to say thank you for all those years of trust
and continuing to come back to see the show.
It means a lot.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Hearing someone say they grew up watching me,
that is one of the most beautiful compliments
any entertainer can receive.
And I understand that now, with therapy, that that's what that means.
- [audience chuckles] - Look, I'm not gonna lie.
The first time I heard someone tell me that they grew up watching me,
I didn't know how to handle it.
I didn't know how to process
because nobody wants to feel like they're getting... old.
The first time I heard it, I was like...
[gasps dramatically]
Second time I heard it, I was like, "Buy a hat."
The third time, I accepted it. I was like,
[as old white man'] "Many years ago, when I first got started,
all of this was land as far as the eye could see."
"It was a very different time, and..."
By the way, I don't know why my old voice is white.
[audience laughs]
He just is.
I tried doing the Mexican voice, but you don't take him as serious.
[in Spanish] "Well, screw you."
"We were at the ranch, and were told to fuck off, dude."
"It's very tough out there."
[in English] But times are changing. The rules are changing.
So I don't know how much longer this is gonna be okay.
I'll tell you what happened to me and why I brought that up.
I did a podcast.
And before I went into the studio, I'm talking to the producer outside.
And the producer's excited and happy, and she's like, "Gabriel Iglesias,
we're so excited to have you."
"This is really cool."
"Before you go in, the host wanted me to ask you something
before you go in for your interview."
I go, "Sure, go for it."
"Okay. What do you identify as?"
[audience chuckles]
I wasn't sure how to answer that.
I'm 47 years old. I didn't know what to say.
I was like, "Shit. Hungry, I guess."
- I mean... - [audience laughs]
I'm tired, sleepy, depressed on Tuesdays.
I don't know what you want me to say.
See, here's the thing.
I knew what she was trying to ask me.
I just wasn't trying to get involved in a conversation about something
that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
This was... Yeah.
[audience cheers]
I felt like I was being baited
because no matter how I answered that question,
I was gonna find myself in an awkward situation.
So you know, because for me, I was just like, "Let me just be funny."
But nowadays, you can't just not answer the question
because silence is seen as a problem.
And I'm sorry if me not answering a certain question
is considered a problem.
I was brought up during a time where you were constantly told
to mind your business.
[audience cheers]
That's all I'm trying to do is stay in my lane.
Another thing we were constantly told was
always respect your elders.
[audience cheers]
And no matter what generation you were from,
that was at least the one thing we could always agree on
until now.
Now older people are seen as a problem.
They are.
You know, and I understand
the youth of today has the technology in the palm of their hands,
and you can google just about anything,
but you cannot google life experience.
Okay?
You can't. You can't download struggling. You can't download failure.
You can't download these moments that help build you up
to make you a better person.
And so again, for me,
I chose to stay in my lane and just crack jokes
when the girl asked me the question.
She got very upset. She got very offended.
As soon as I cracked the joke,
she was like, "No, that's not what I mean."
"I mean what are your pronouns?"
"What?"
"What are your pronouns?"
"For example, are you a they or them?"
"A they"?
[audience chuckles]
"Or a them"?
[audience laughs]
"How fat am I?"
[audience laughs]
"When did I stop being an it?"
Apparently, I ate myself into a plural.
That's what happened.
[audience chuckles and applauds]
What I'm finding is, even if you have good intentions,
and you're trying to be cool,
you can still find yourself in a situation.
So, I'll tell you what else happened to me, m'kay?
I was at a McDonald's.
[audience chuckles]
That's not even the joke, but okay.
[audience laughs]
All righty. They're like, "Here, this is gonna be good." No, no!
I was at a McDonald's by my house.
The McDonald's by my house is actually a twofer.
It's a McDonald's on the corner, and it's also a gas station.
I got a big SUV. I knew it was gonna be a minute.
So I said, "Let me go get some nuggets while I'm here."
I walk into the McDonald's, and as I'm walking in,
I couldn't help but notice
this homeless family sitting right outside.
Now, they didn't have a sign.
They did not ask me for money, but you could just tell.
You could just tell that this poor family is dealing with life.
So I get inside, and I said, "You know what?"
"I don't need anything to eat."
"I really don't. At this point, it's just the habit."
[audience laughs]
I get to the register, and I say,
"You know what? Let me order some food for the family."
"They got kids with them."
So I placed an order and the cashier's like, "Anything else?"
"Actually, yes. Do you have, um... um, Wet-Naps?"
"Excuse me?" "You know, Wet-Naps to clean your hands."
"Sir, you're more than welcome to use the restroom."
"I'll give you the code."
"Here's the thing."
"It's not for me. It's for the homeless family
that's right outside the door."
"I want to make sure that the little kids can clean their hands before they eat."
"This food that I just ordered is for them."
And as we're talking...
[audience cheers]
Thank you.
As we're talking, the manager at the McDonald's
is listening in to our conversation.
And she walks over. And she's all nosy, right?
She's like, "Excuse me. I couldn't help but overhear."
"Did you just say that this food is for the family outside?"
[as self] "Yeah. I hope that's okay."
[as manager] "No, it is definitely okay."
"Giving food to people who need food is definitely okay."
"However, what you just called them
is not okay."
[audience groans]
[as self] "What did I call them?"
[as manager] "You said...
homeless."
[as self] "'Cause they are! Look. Shit."
[audience laughs]
"He's lickin' the window!"
[audience laughs]
[as manager] "You can't say that word. It's considered offensive."
[as self] "Who complained?"
"Okay, well, if I'm not supposed to say the word 'homeless' anymore,
what am I supposed to say instead of the word 'homeless'?"
[as manager] "The new politically correct term
is actually 'unhoused'
when describing someone in an unfortunate situation like that."
[audience jeering]
[as self] "You're kidding."
[as manager] "No, sir. I'm not kidding. And please lower your voice."
[as self] "You want me to lower my voice
when you're saying something so ridiculous?"
[as manager] "If you think it's ridiculous,
then clearly, you are part of the problem,
not the solution."
[audience chuckling]
Oh, Miami. I wanted to get ghetto.
[audience cheers]
I wanted to get ghetto.
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I wanted to go full Hialeah on them.
[audience cheering]
[man] Love you, Fluffy!
Thank you for coming, Hialeah.
[audience cheers]
So yeah, I wanted to go off on her, but I... I...
I wanted to get ghetto, but I couldn't
because that is the regular McDonald's I go to.
[audience chuckles]
You know what I'm saying? I'm not trying to get banned.
The next one's far, and gas is a bitch, so I'm like, "Nah."
So I looked at her, and I said, "Okay. We're gonna play this game?"
"Let's play this game."
"From now on,
I'm no longer fat."
[audience chuckles]
"According to you, I am now 'unexercised.'"
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
I did, bro. She looked at me, and she's like, "Don't be ridiculous."
And I looked at her, and I was like, "Oh!"
"Oh, well, if you think it's ridiculous, then clearly you are part of the problem."
"Not the solution."
[audience cheers]
And I grabbed the food, and I walked out.
Now, second half of the story. I walk over to the family. M'kay?
And I hand the bags of food to the mom.
And the mom was so nice.
She was just happy that someone thought of her and her kids.
She got very emotional.
She's like, "I just want to say thank you."
"You have no idea what you're doing for us right now."
"This really means a lot."
"Thank you."
And I had to ask the question.
[audience chuckles]
I said,
"Are you okay?"
I know what you thought.
Some of you are like, "Don't do it."
Oh, I did it. That's why we're here. Watch.
So, I looked, and I said, "Are you okay?"
And she was like, "No, unfortunately. We're not okay. We're not."
"We've been homeless now for four days."
And I was like, "Um..."
[audience laughs]
"I don't know if you heard."
[audience laughs]
"But, uh..."
No, not... I didn't correct her.
[audience chuckles]
I didn't correct her 'cause I'm not a dick.
That's why I didn't correct her.
[audience laughs]
That's what I mean, you guys.
Even if you have good intentions nowadays,
people can take what you're saying or doing
and twist it to make you look bad.
There should be no consequences
for being kind, for trying to help,
for wanting to do the right thing, for caring.
Unfortunately, we're still consumed by this word called "liability"
that sometimes we forget to be a little human, and that's unfortunate.
I'm not trying to get on a soapbox about this.
I'm trying to let you know some things I've been dealing with,
and I'm just here to report.
[audience chuckles]
The thing with me now is that after 27 years of being a comedian,
every time I walk out the door,
the light is officially on.
In the sense that every time I leave my house,
there is a slight chance I could make the news.
For example,
did Martin talk about how, uh, he fell off the stage earlier in the show?
- [crowd] Yeah. - Okay. Okay, cool.
Uh, for the home audience, Martin, he fell a while back. He talked about it.
I know you didn't see it,
'cause your subscription only covers so much.
- Um, yeah. - [audience laughs]
You can watch the first half on Prime. I think it's on Prime.
Maybe you can just see it there then come back and check out the rest.
So, long story short, we were doing a show in Phoenix, Arizona,
and Martin accidentally fell off of a stage this high,
and he broke his foot.
Now, the incredible part about Martin is that he got up,
and on adrenaline, ran around, got back up on stage, and performed.
And then was taken to the hospital after he walked off stage.
He is a professional.
[audience cheers]
Seriously, that is a pro.
Much respect 'cause if it would have been me...
[audience chuckles]
If I would've fallen off stage,
and the staff was like, "What about the fans?"
"Well, bye, Felicia."
[audience laughs]
"What do we tell 'em?" "Refund."
[audience laughs]
But see, the difference is Martin had to tell you he fell
for you to know he fell.
And by the way, I saw the fall. I saw.
He came out and just kind of tripped over a cord backstage,
came through the curtain already, you know.
And then, you know... "Martiiin!"
[imitates thud]
Women in the front row were like,
"He fell for me."
[audience laughs]
I'm glad you laughed.
I said that last night and some guy was like, "Aw."
[audience chuckles]
I said, "Why 'aww'?"
[as man] "Well, that's your friend."
[as self] "Exactly. That's why I make fun of him."
That is the mark of a true friendship, is being able to say
real evil things about each other.
[audience cheers]
Because you know you don't really mean it.
Plus, you don't think that if I would've fallen off the stage
instead of Martin that he wouldn't've had a joke?
You better believe he would have had a joke.
He would have told people, "I saw Fluffy bounce."
[audience laughs]
Not to mention the fact that you know that'll make the news.
I fall off the stage tonight, there'll be a van out in front in an hour.
"We're standing here live in front of the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino,
where authorities believe Fluffy lost control."
"Let's go to Tom, who's inside the venue who can fill us in with more."
"That's right, Jim, I'm standing here at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino,
inside the venue where apparently Fluffy took a spill."
"It is still uncertain as to what happened here tonight."
"We did have a chance to interview local authorities who had this to say."
"Damn!"
[audience laughs]
"It is still uncertain if there was any problems with the stage."
"We did speak to security who had this to comment."
"I saw the whole damn thing. Okay?"
"Whoo! Fluffy fell. He fell hard."
"I ain't seen that many white people cry since a Taylor Swift concert."
"It was bad. It was bad. And in Miami. Are you kidding me?"
"He hurt more Cubans than Castro."
[audience laughs]
And that's how you get canceled.
So, uh, that's the point I'm trying to make here.
I made the news recently.
Uh, without giving too much away,
there's an episode of Family Feud coming out very soon
that I'm gonna be on.
Yeah.
[audience applauds]
It is the celebrity edition, so it's Fluffy and Fluffy's family
versus Fat Joe...
[audience gasps]
...and his family.
So yeah, it's Fat Joe versus Fluffy
because apparently, the producers have a great sense of humor.
[audience laughs]
Long story short, I flew in some family from the East Coast
to be on the show.
The show went over very well. You'll find out who wins later.
Here's the deal.
The next day, my sister, who was one of the people I flew in,
she hadn't been in California in forever,
and she was like, "Can we go to Disneyland?"
And I'm like, "Sure, let's go."
So it was her and her husband Gordy, and I took them to Disney.
And we get on a couple of rides, and just so we're clear,
that's not what made the news.
[audience chuckles]
I said that last night, someone was like, "'Cause he fit."
No!
[audience laughs]
Some people. Right? Yeah.
We get on the Cars ride at California Adventure,
and halfway through the Cars ride, the car...
[imitates engine revving, brakes screeching]
...stops on the track.
And my sister looked at me.
She goes, "Is this supposed to happen?"
I go, "No, the check cleared. We're supposed to finish. This is, uh..."
"We paid. It's supposed to work. No, this..."
It took the Disney people about 20 minutes to come get us
and take us out of the car.
So we're sitting there, outside, in the sun for 20 minutes.
I had no problem with that because I am mocha.
I'm okay in the sun for 20 minutes.
My sister, she's twice as dark as me.
She's, like, freaking, you know, Apache. She's... You know.
Freaking Azteca.
[chanting] Just, you know...
Her husband, on the other hand, he's from Minnesota.
[audience laughs]
He almost died.
[audience laughs]
"Oh, don' cha know?" Yeah, so... while we're sitting there in the car,
waiting for the Disney people to come take us out of the car,
the people waiting in line realize that the ride has been shut down.
And so from the ride, you can see the line.
People see the car on the track,
and then they see
who's in the car.
[audience chuckles]
And all of a sudden, cell phones start comin' out.
And by the time we left Disney,
TMZ had already reported the story, and you can google this, okay?
TMZ reported the story.
Before we left the park,
it said, "Fluffy Stuck on LA Freeway at Disney."
[audience chuckles]
I thought it was cute.
I thought it was silly.
I thought it was funny. I thought it was okay.
Until I read the comments.
[audience chuckles]
Oh, some of you...
are dicks.
[audience laughs]
One lady wrote, "Just 'cause you're tall enough to ride
doesn't mean you're small enough to fit."
[audience laughs]
A guy wrote, "The car got tired."
[audience laughs]
Another guy wrote, "You're Mexican. Couldn't you fix it?"
[audience laughs]
And that was Martin, yeah. So...
[audience laughs]
[imitates rim shot] Anyway, so...
The time before that, we made world news.
Some of you might remember this story.
The guys and I were involved in an emergency landing situation.
I had, uh, chartered a private jet
because my last Netflix special, the money finally hit my account,
and I, you know, freakin'... I thought I was, y'know, ballin', right?
Nope. Turns out we were fallin'!
Worst turbulence we have ever experienced in 27 years of being comedians.
Uh, worst turbulence I ever felt, for sure.
At one point, the jet did this.
- [whooshes] - [audience chuckles]
I did this.
- [imitates thud] - [audience chuckles]
The scariest part was watching my dogs leave the seat.
Fortunately, we landed safely. We were okay.
That's not what made the news.
What made the news is that, when we came in for the landing,
the jet touched down, and then it skid off the runway
by 200 yards, and we ended up in a field.
A field.
A field!
Are you kidding me?
As hard as I work...
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
...to break stereotypes.
[audience laughs]
A bunch of Mexicans ended up in a field. Yeah, that's what happened.
[audience laughs]
That's how TMZ reported it. "Mexicans Found in Field."
[audience chuckles]
In the movies, the pilots are always the first to know
when there's an issue.
And in the movies, the pilots always have the courtesy
of telling the passengers.
They love to hear themselves talk. They get on the mic,
"All right. It's your captain speaking here."
"I just want to let you know we'll be experiencing rough air."
"If you could just fasten your seatbelts, we're gonna be A-okay. All right..."
[murmurs]
You know? If it gets bumpy, you know,
[whooshing]
[as captain, mumbling]
"It's your captain speaking."
"Somebody just had a little Mexican food here,
so we... we're feeling a little bumpy up here."
"We just had some fast food."
"Just a reminder to keep your seat belts fastened."
"We might be getting a bit... There we go. Just a bit there."
[laughs] "All right, I'll be back with you in just a few seconds..."
[mumbles indistinctly]
If the plane's going down, "Brace for impact!"
"Hold on tight! We're comin' in hot!"
Our pilot...
nada.
[audience laughs]
Our pilot didn't say anything until we came to, like, a complete stop.
And then maybe like a minute later,
the cockpit door opened up, and he stuck his head in,
and he's like, "You good?"
[audience laughs]
I was like,
"My chihuahua's in a cup holder. I am not good."
It was a scary situation, you guys,
but let me tell you, even though we were involved in an emergency landing
and we thought we were gonna die,
I'm grateful for the experience.
Believe it or not.
I'm grateful because it reminded me how valuable life is
and how quickly things can change.
[audience applauds]
Every now and then, we need a little reminder.
We need to get shaken up a little to remind ourselves,
"Oh my God. This is special."
"This is important. Enjoy it. Have fun."
The rest of the day after the landing, there was nothing anybody could tell me
to ruin how good I felt to just be breathing and be alive.
Nothing!
[audience cheers and applauds]
And so, that's why I, uh... I'm grateful for bad moments.
And I think bad moments are actually a good thing
because we need balance in life.
You need to have bad experiences
in order to truly appreciate good experiences.
Not every day can be the same.
[audience applauds]
You need to have a way to ba--
Now, don't get me wrong.
Sometimes there's too many bad days in a row. That shit sucks.
And that's actually what happened to me.
After the near-death experience, I go home.
I go home to find out that someone broke into my house.
[audience gasps]
Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, "Are you kidding me?"
"That's why I survived? To see this shit?"
[audience laughs]
The only reason why you haven't heard about it until now
is because the detective who's working the case
told me I'm not allowed to talk about it.
In California.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, if the guys that broke into my house are here tonight... [scoffs] ...bravo.
[sarcastically] Bravo. That's a flex and a half.
No, they broke into my house, and of course, the number one question is,
"What did they take from your house?"
And what they took from me, honestly, it was my peace of mind.
I didn't feel safe in that house after.
Uh, but if you must know,
I did everything to prevent a break-in.
I had, first of all, a good neighborhood.
I had an alarm. I had two camera systems.
I had a fence that surrounded the property.
I thought I was good.
Um, I got video footage of the entire robbery.
[audience laughs]
In 4K.
[audience chuckles]
Oh, that shit is crisp.
I saw the guys that broke in, but I could not identify them
because they were wearing masks.
All I can tell you about the two guys that broke into my house
is that they were 20 years old.
I know they were 20
because when they jumped the fence and hit the ground,
no pain.
[audience laughs]
If that would've been a 35-year-old with messed-up sciatica,
he'd have thought twice about that fence.
So, they jumped the fence, went in the backyard,
and they broke the window and got in through the kitchen.
They trashed my house.
Okay, every drawer, open. Every cabinet, open.
Everything got pulled out onto the floor so they could sift. Uh...
Couches were flipped over, cushions were thrown down,
and they pulled every single frame off the wall.
And I asked the detective, I said, "Hey, look. I understand the drawers,
the cabinets, and even the couch thing."
"But what's the story with the frames on the wall?"
"Why did they take everything off the wall but didn't take any frames?"
"Some of that stuff was art."
[as cop] "Mr. Iglesias, you have to understand something
about these people that broke into your home."
"They were not looking for photos or art."
"They were actually looking for a safe."
I said, "A safe?" [as cop] "Yes, sir. A safe."
"A lot of times, in these homes, people will put a hole in the wall,
install a safe, and then they'll hang a frame
over the safe to disguise that their valuables are in there."
I said, "A safe?"
- [audience chuckles] - [as cop] "Sir, yes, a safe."
[as self] "But I just got this money."
[audience laughs]
"Did they check the mattress?"
[audience laughs]
[as cop] "Don't know." [as self] "Let's find out!"
So, we walk into the master bedroom. I grab the edge of the bed, right?
And I picked it up, and I was like,
"Ah, stupid!"
[audience laughs]
"It's all here."
Oh my God. These guys had no idea
they were robbing somebody more ghetto than them.
[audience laughs]
So, at the end of it, they only got
a couple of little trinkets from the drawers.
Um, and that's pretty much it.
They made a mess of the house.
They didn't get any of the money.
I'll tell you what they did get.
They got my guns.
[audience exclaims]
Now...
I have never been open about the fact
that I am, in fact, a registered gun owner.
[audience cheers]
Relax, Florida.
[audience laughs]
I've never been open about it because, quite frankly,
it's nobody's business.
Okay?
However, it does pertain to the story that I'm about to share with you.
Um, I am a recent gun owner.
I became a gun owner in 2020, m'kay?
Uh, yeah, when we were in the middle of...
[loudly] ...it.
[audience laughs]
Every morning watching the news, we didn't know what was gonna happen,
and it started to feel irresponsible,
not preparing myself for a worst-case situation.
Every morning watching the news,
it felt like we were headed towards the Purge.
[audience chuckles]
Some of you are laughing, but think about this,
the Purge would have taken less time.
[audience chuckles]
Yeah, the Purge.
That's how they should've woke us up, at least for entertainment purposes.
[imitates alarm sounding]
[feminine voice] "I'd like to thank you for your participation in the pandemic."
"The local time is 7:45 a.m."
[moans seductively]
[audience laughs]
Fear is why I decided to buy a gun.
I was afraid, and I got no problem saying that.
I was scared.
We didn't know what was gonna happen.
Um, it's only for protection.
I don't hunt.
I don't want to hunt. I don't need to. I know where there's three Chick-fil-As.
[audience laughs]
I'm good.
I don't go out on the weekends, you know?
Pull! [imitates rifle firing]
There's no...
[quacking]
I still own a Nintendo. I don't need that shit.
Fear is the only reason why I decided to buy a gun.
So, I wound up at this sporting goods store
right by my house.
I walk in there, and this place is packed full of people
that normally would not have been open to the idea of owning a gun,
but they felt like me.
They were scared, and rightfully so.
I kept hearing the same conversation over and over and over.
I kept hearing this...
"I would rather have a gun and not need it
than need it and not have it."
[audience cheers]
[audience applauds]
And I don't care where you're from, that makes a lot of sense.
And I was not about to let politics interfere with my personal safety.
So, next thing you know...
[audience cheers]
So, next thing you know, I got in line. I had to get a ticket with a number
like when you're at the DMV or meat market.
[in Spanish] The butcher shop.
The bodega. "Number five!"
[in English] I got in line.
Forty-five minutes, I waited in line.
And as soon as I get to the front, this guy comes to the counter,
and he's like... [in Southern accent] "How can I help you, son?"
[as self] "Well, um..."
By the way, I heard some of you chuckle, and just so we're clear,
I'm not saying that... all people
[sighs] ...who sell guns...
[audience laughs]
...talk like that.
[audience laughs]
But his name was Jim.
[audience laughs]
So, Jim was like, "How can I help you, son?"
"Well, I'm here to see about purchasing my first firearm."
"Well, you've come to the right place. Know what you want?"
"Or you need a hand?"
[as self] "I've had some time to look at your selection,
and I think I found something that's gonna work for me."
[as Jim] "All right. Show me what you got."
"Okay, right over here in the case." "This one?" "Yeah, right here."
"This one. The one right here, in the front."
"This one?" "No. Not that one. This one."
"This one?" "No. This one. Not that one." "This one?" "No. The one in front."
"With the tag. The tag. Right here. The one that says two-two."
[audience laughs]
[as Jim] "Um, sir, did you just call that gun...
a 'tutu'?"
[audience laughs]
[as self] "Yeah. What?"
"Ji... Jim, right? Jim? Jim."
"Don't look at me like I'm crazy, dude. I'm just reading the tag."
"It says it right here. In the front. It says two-two."
[as Jim] "You mean a .22?"
[as self] "Well, yeah. I guess. Two-two, .22, same thing."
[as Jim] "Son, I hate to break it to you, but there's a big difference
between a tutu and a .22."
"But hey, this is California, so whatever floats your boat, son."
"All right?"
[audience laughs]
"Now, is there any particular reason why you have selected a, uh... a 'tutu'?"
[audience laughs]
[as self] "Well, um, as impressive as your selection of guns here is,
I recognize a lot of them from movies."
"It's a bit much for me."
"Um, I'm very simple."
"Um, this gun looks very manageable."
"It's small and, you know, it looks easy."
"Plus, it's on sale."
"You know what I mean? Come on, man. A gun's a gun, right?"
[audience laughs]
[as Jim] "Not exactly."
[as self] "Is this not a good choice?"
[as Jim] "Son, you want my opinion, or you want to buy and be done with it?"
[as self] "No, please tell me if I'm making a mistake."
"Is... is a... a .22 a good gun or a bad gun?"
[as Jim] "Son, in my personal opinion, you're better off tickling him,
as far as I'm concerned."
[audience laughs]
"All you're gonna do is aggravate the situation."
"You're just gonna piss him off is what I'm trying to tell you."
[as self] "Well, listen to my thought process."
"My whole idea for the gun is, I'm gonna use the gun
more so like as a deterrent."
"So if somebody breaks into the house, they're gonna see this big bald Mexican
holding a gun, and then they're gonna think twice
and then rob my neighbors instead."
[as Jim] "Son, if somebody breaks into your house and they have a gun,
they're gonna know you're holding a .22."
"And I'll tell you what's gon' happen. They're gon' take it from ya."
[audience laughs]
"And they're gonna beat the holy hell outta you with it. Right?"
"And the beating you're gon' get from a .22
is gonna hurt a hell of a lot more than the bullets out of a .22."
"That's for damn sure."
[audience applauds]
"Now, listen, I don't know you, but I think I know your situation."
"And correct me if I'm wrong."
"You want to protect your home?" [as self] "Yes."
[as Jim] "Your family?"
[as self] "Yes." [as Jim] "Your valuables?"
[as self] "Yes." [as Jim] "All right, follow me."
"I think I got just what you need right here."
"M'kay?"
"You see this right here? This here's a 9 millimeter to start."
- [crowd cheers] - "Okay?"
"A 9 millimeter is a solid firearm."
"Two to the chest, that man is going down, ten out of ten."
[audience laughs]
"However, I got this special military-grade ammunition over here."
"I got this here bullet."
"It's called a spreader."
"Yeah, it's what I used to call my ex."
[audience laughs]
"She was a real pistol too, let me tell you."
"That's why I had to move to California. She'll never find me here."
"So, this bullet, when it comes out the chamber,
it opens up."
"And when it hits, it'll leave a hole about yay big."
And stupid me, I said this, I said,
"People survive that?"
[audience laughs]
[as Jim] "Survive?"
"Survive?"
"Son, you don't want 'em to survive."
"You want 'em dead as fried chicken, as far as I'm concerned."
[audience applauds]
I said, "I don't want anybody to die."
[as Jim] "You don't want anybody to die?!"
"You guys hear that?"
"You hear that? He don't want anybody to die!"
"Yeah! Oh yeah, you know who he voted for."
[audience laughs]
[as Jim] "Look here, Tutu, you're stressin' me the hell out, man."
"I wanna help you, but you gotta want to help yourself, so listen."
"I'mma do everything in my power to get through this. Um..."
"I'mma paint a picture for you, m'kay?"
"You're home."
"Someone breaks into your home."
"They have a gun."
"You have a gun."
"You have already told this person to leave or you will shoot,
and they're not leavin'."
"Matter of fact, they're doing the opposite."
"They're getting closer and closer and closer and closer."
"Now they're so close, you can see the whites of their eyes."
"This individual is standing directly in front of you."
"You can see each other."
"This individual is prepared to do whatever it takes
to leave with whatever they want, including taking your life."
"My question to you is, are you prepared to do the same?"
"Are you willing to protect your family, your home, your valuables,
and most importantly, yourself, in this situation?"
"What are you gonna do?"
[audience cheers]
[as self] "First of all, bro."
[audience chuckles]
"You should sell, like, life insurance, man, 'cause..."
[audience laughs]
"You're missing your calling. I felt that. I felt it."
Um...
"If I'm cornered like that, and I have absolutely no choice,
and my life is in danger,
I promise you, Jim, I will step up, man, and I will shoot them right in the leg."
"I will."
[audience laughs]
[as Jim] "You think you're gonna hit the leg, Mr. First-Time Gun Owner?"
[as self] "Hey, if I buy that bullet you're trying to sell me,
that covers that much, up close, I can hit a leg."
"Two steps closer, I'll shoot him in the huevos. I will, dude."
"I'll hit a pelota. I will. No more babies, man."
[as Jim] "All right. All right. You don't gotta get graphic on me, now."
"Son, you know what's gonna happen if you shoot someone in your home,
in the leg, and they live?"
[as self] "Yeah. I know."
"I'm gonna sleep better, knowing I didn't take a life
and I was able to protect my home, my family, and my stuff."
"That's what's gonna happen."
[as Jim] Ah.
"Clearly, you're a Disney fan."
[audience laughs]
[as Jim] "That's about the biggest fantasy I've ever heard, right there."
"Son, I would ask you if you knew, but clearly, you don't,
so I'm not gonna waste my time spinnin' my wheels on this one."
"I'm just gonna call it like it is."
"If you shoot someone in your home and they live,
they can come back and sue your ass."
"That's right. Now, here's the kicker."
"They're gonna win."
"That's right. They're gonna win."
"And not only are they gonna get everything they wanted to get
when they first broke in, when it's all said and done,
you are gonna cut them a big fat check."
"Now, what do you got to say about that?"
I said, "That motherfucker's gonna die!"
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering and clapping]
He got excited.
[as Jim] "Now, we're talkin'!"
I found out something that day.
I found out that people that sell guns are a lot like people that sell used cars.
They play on your emotions, and then they start to upsell you
and make you buy things you don't want or need.
He knew I was scared because he kept saying it to me.
[as Jim] "I know you're scared."
"You're scared, and your fears. You're worried. You're scared."
Every time he'd say "scared," something else appeared on the counter.
[audience laughs]
He sold me so well that when he was done "selling me,"
I wound up with four rifles...
[audience laughs]
...and four handguns
and a case... a case of spreader ammunition.
[audience chuckles]
I hear some of you clapping, and why?
It's excessive.
I only have two hands.
[audience laughs]
See, I feel, again, even though my home was burglarized,
I feel grateful because I wasn't there and I had my dogs with me.
I can't replace my dogs. I can't replace me.
[audience cheering]
Stuff is stuff.
However, if I would have been home, I would have done whatever I needed to do.
That's the difference. In this situation, there's two kinds of people.
One, people like me, had the guns, had the ammo, glad they weren't there,
but if they were there, they would've done something about it.
'Cause if I was in bed and I heard the...
[imitates crashing]
...I would've jumped up. [grunting]
I would've grabbed my gun. [imitates gun cocking]
I would've ran out into the living room with no shirt on and one sock off.
[audience laughs]
I'd have confronted the person.
"Freeze!"
Knowing my luck...
[audience chuckles]
[as burglar] "Fluffy?"
[as self] "I said, freeze!"
[as burglar] "Oh, you're funny. You're funny, bro."
"You're funny." [as self] "Get on the ground!"
[as burglar] "Oh!"
[as self] "Don't make me shoot you."
[as burglar] "Ah, hey!"
[exclaims]
"Hey, Beto, get in here! Get in here! You'll never guess whose house this is!"
The other guy runs in.
[as Beto] "Oh, hey. Oh, hey. Oh, hey. Oh, hey."
"I grew up watching you."
[audience laughs and cheers]
Next thing you know, I'm autographing things they're about to take.
[audience chuckles]
[mouthing inaudibly]
[audience laughs]
[continues mouthing]
[audience laughs]
So like I said, in this situation, I feel like there's two kinds of people.
One, people like me. Had the guns, had the ammunition.
Glad they weren't home, but if they would have been home,
they would have done something about it. That's one type of people.
The other kind of people are the kind of people who cannot wait
for the opportunity
to...
- [scattered cheering] - Oh.
Good. You're here.
[audience laughs]
The kind of people who cannot wait for the opportunity
to confront an intruder
because you know you have way more guns and ammunition than they do,
and you are prepared for war.
[audience cheers]
The kind of people who sit home at night in the living room, in the dark,
holding their gun.
[audience laughs]
[imitates rifle cocking]
They leave the front door unlocked to make it easier.
[audience laughs]
And people like that always have a friend either across the street or across town.
"How is everything over there on your side?"
[imitating radio static] "It's all clear over here. How about you?"
"Yeah. Coast is clear. Ten-four. Out." There.
This situation,
the break-in, left me traumatized.
I couldn't go back to living in the house because I didn't feel safe.
It's just me and two chihuahuas.
Yeah, that's it.
I'm no longer with my son's mom, and my son lives with his mom.
So, you know...
And by the way, I told my son Frankie what happened, about the break-in,
and right away, right away,
"Oh, really? They're lucky I wasn't there."
[audience chuckles]
I'm like, "Cálmate, John Wick."
[audience laughs]
"They would've kidnapped you."
"I would've had to pay double to get you back."
I could not go back to living at the house.
Again, it's just me.
So, I put the house up for sale.
Uh, yeah, I just couldn't.
And it was a big beautiful home that you guys helped pay for. Thank you.
[audience chuckles]
It was nice.
Real nice.
Freaking four bathrooms.
Four bathrooms. Yeah.
One penis.
[audience laughs]
Even if I ran, I couldn't, you know...
I put the house up for sale, and here's the dilemma that I faced.
I put it up for sale before I had a new place to live
because I figured I'm on the road, I'm always in a tour bus, a plane,
a hotel, always somewhere. I'm on the go.
I was just trying to get ahead of it because when I first bought the house,
it was sitting on the market for almost two years.
So I thought I had time.
What happened was it sold like that
because I had two people bidding on the house at the same time
and they kept driving up the price.
And one of the people trying to buy the house,
he wanted all of my furniture
and so my agent for the house goes, "Gabriel, this is crazy."
"These two guys are bidding on your house,
and they want to give you way more than what you're asking."
"One of them wants to give you an extra $100,000
for all of your furniture."
"I suggest you take it."
And so, I did. I sold the house with everything, except the mattress.
Everything.
The problem is
I don't have a house right now.
I don't have anywhere to live, so technically, I'm, um...
[audience laughs]
Fuck it. I'm homeless. I don't care.
[audience cheers]
I'll say it.
I'm not gonna be "unhoused." I'm homeless right now.
They can't cancel me.
What are they gonna do? Take my house? I don't have one. Ha!
[audience laughs]
So whatever. Mm.
But no, at this point, at... at 47 years of age,
I don't need more stuff.
I'm happy that I do have stuff, but I don't need it.
What I want more than anything else now is better relationships.
Better friendships, better people in my life,
that's what I want more than anything else.
I announced in my last special at Dodger Stadium
that I was no longer in a relationship.
And I thought that was the best place to announce that
because I've been very open about my life, my whole show is my life.
People kept asking about her.
So I thought that was the best place to announce that.
You know what happens
when you tell 50,000 people at a stadium that you're single
and then Netflix airs that around the world?
I received thousands of "applications"
for the Fluffy fulfillment center.
Yes, I did.
[chime dings]
[Gabriel] That's right, Netflix. Fluffy is hoein' out.
[audience chuckles]
It was incredible. It was exciting. It was overwhelming,
And it was terrifying because I didn't know what they wanted.
Um, well, I'm gonna tell you that since announcing that I was single,
I've gone out on a few dates.
And, uh, yeah.
I don't want to say how many, 'cause I don't want your judgment.
[chuckles] "Fluffy's a whore."
[in English and Spanish] "He's nasty."
[in English] "He's like Santa with all his ho ho hos, yeah."
I still want to go out.
I still want to have fun, I want to make connections,
but unfortunately, I don't trust people. I'm afraid.
I can meet people really easy, but then I find out what they're up to,
and that sucks.
Um, my heart is guarded now.
Super guarded.
There's a wall and then a wall and then a wall and a wall and a wall.
I'm like the only Mexican who likes walls.
[audience laughs]
So moving forward, I can tell you
I don't want to be in another relationship.
I'm actually doing okay.
I still want to go out, but I don't want to be in a committed relationship.
I... I don't. No.
- [man boos] - [grunts]
What do you mean, "Boo"?
The fact that I'm being honest
about that I don't want to be in a relationship,
I think there's something to be said about that.
I could easily lie.
Meet someone, say that we're boyfriend/girlfriend,
and have a thing.
But does it mean anything if your behavior doesn't change?
I'm being up front and honest.
All I want... All I want... All I want, watch...
To the guy that booed me for saying I don't want a relationship.
Raise your hand so I can... Okay, you're famous, so...
- To you... What is your name? - [man] Justin.
- Justin? - Dustin.
Dustin. All right, Dustin.
Sorry for... "Dustin!"
Like, all right, "Chill, bitch." Yeah.
Yeah, right? Freakin' "'Murica."
[Gabriel and audience laugh]
All right, Dustin.
Me not wanting to be in a traditional relationship
is a honest thing because, uh, I can tell you,
I don't want to be in a situation where I'm obligated to participate
in things that don't make me feel like a good person.
And at the age of 47, I'm tired of arguing,
yelling, feeling guilted, feeling obligated,
not smiling more.
[audience cheers]
I'm good, man.
I... You know... But I still want to go out. So I just want to be up front and honest.
All I need, Dustin, watch, is someone to eat with.
[audience cheers]
Someone to drink with.
Someone to go to movies with.
And someone to cuddle with.
[audience cheers]
That's right.
And they don't even gotta be the same person.
[audience laughs]
All I'm saying is sometimes it takes a village. Okay?
Dustin, I would love to tell a woman, "Hey, would you like to go see a movie?"
[as woman] "Yeah." Then we go.
After the movie's over, I go, "What did you think?"
[as woman] "Good."
[as self] "Right?"
"Would you like to see another movie?" [as woman] "Sure. When?"
[as self] "Next week?"
[as woman] "Good."
[as self] "Let's stay in touch. See you next week."
"This is gonna be so cool. You like rom-coms. I like rom-coms."
"You like horror movies. I like horror."
"This is gonna work. I like this. I need this. [grunts] Can't wait."
So I say, "All right, gotta go." And she gets weird.
[as woman] "Wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on."
"You gotta go? I thought this was going good."
[as self] "It's going great. We'll do more next week. This is cool."
[as woman] "But what's the rush?"
"Where are you headed? Where you going?"
[as self] "Um..."
"Uh, I'm about to call the cuddler. Why?"
[audience laughs]
[as woman] "The cuddler, what's that?" [as self] "I got that covered."
"Okay, movies, that's your lane. Stay in it, okay?"
"This is us. We're good. Solid. You're the movie girl, okay?"
Now, Dustin.
I didn't tell her.
But I'm gonna tell you.
When it comes to the department of cuddling,
and this is so crazy because I've always been in a relationship
and I could never be this open and honest, but now that I'm single,
these are Fluffy's flavors.
[audience laughs]
So, when it comes to the department of cuddling, this is what I want.
I want a woman.
A woman.
With original factory settings.
[audience laughs and cheers]
[speaks indistinctly]
This woman needs to be equal to, or greater than,
in size.
She needs to be a big girl.
I prefer a big girl.
- I want a big girl. - [audience cheers]
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
This way, we both can agree on the temperature of the thermostat.
[audience laughs and applauds]
And only big girls know what I'm talkin' about.
[audience laughs]
See, I'm a big boy, and as a big boy, I always run hot.
Heat affects my mood.
When I'm hot, Dustin, I become irritable, cranky, my anxiety goes through the roof.
So for me to feel comfortable, I like to set the room to 68 degrees.
Okay?
[audience cheers]
That's right.
And only a big girl can truly appreciate that.
Skinny women, not so much.
And let me tell you, I am tired of disappointing, skinny, cold women.
[audience laughs]
Skinny, cold women are mean.
They're mean. They don't want it at freakin' 68 degrees.
No, they want 72, 73, 74.
[in Spanish] You're killing me. No!
[in English] But I can't do that to them. I can't put them in 68 degrees.
They get snippy.
They get evil. They're like, "Oh my God. What's your problem?"
"It's so cold. It's so cold. It's so cold."
- [as self] "Well, fuckin' eat something." - [audience laughs]
"I'm tired of sweating."
But, yeah.
Anyway, Dustin, I apologize.
I wasn't trying to turn this into a TED Talk.
[audience chuckles]
I don't want you to think that I don't believe in love
because I do, and anyone who can pull it off,
I commend you for it.
I have met so many couples over the years.
I've met 20-year couples,
30-year couples, 40-year couples,
50-year couples.
I met one 55.
- [audience cheers] - Yeah. Yeah.
I call them unicorns.
I'll tell you the story.
I was in Savannah, Georgia.
And I had just finished filming the second Magic Mike movie.
Now...
Yeah, I know. For those of you that don't know,
I was in Magic Mike.
[audience cheers]
Yes.
I know. I was the only one who didn't get naked.
[audience laughs]
Magic Mike, not Tragic Mike. So, let's remember that, okay?
I was the only one who didn't get naked. So, um...
Here's the thing, after the movie, after we wrapped,
my manager, Joe, tells me, he says, "Dude, man."
"Congratulations on another project."
"I want to take you out for a steak dinner."
I said, "Let's go."
So he takes me to this restaurant called Ruth's Chris Steak House.
Now, very popular chain around the country.
We go there, we sit down,
and here comes the server and the server's real bubbly.
"Hey, guys. What's going on? Are we celebrating anything today?"
"Actually, yes, we are."
"Well, guess what? You're not the only ones."
"You see that couple over there?"
"That couple is celebrating 55 years of marriage today."
And we're like, "What?"
So, we look.
[whoosh]
[audience chuckles]
I said, "How come they're not talking?"
[audience laughs]
[as server] "I wondered the same thing,
but the man made it a point to say 55 years."
"I thought that was pretty impressive."
I go, "No, it is."
So he leaves to go get us some sodas and some bread.
And I tell my manager, I said, "Hey, Joe, listen."
"I'mma go say hi to the couple real quick."
[as Joe] "Don't get us kicked out." [as self] "I'm not gonna."
[as Joe] "Don't make it like last time." [as self] "It's not gonna be."
So I get up, and I push in my chair, and I make my way over to the couple.
Now, I understand how important this night is for them.
I know exactly how long it took to get to that point,
and I am not trying to mess that up.
But I have questions.
[audience chuckles]
And these two people are clearly professionals in that department.
So I approached the table as tactfully as I could.
And I said, "Pardon the interruption."
"It has come to my attention that we are celebrating
55 years of marriage."
And the man was so happy that someone acknowledged that. He was just thrilled.
He's like...
[breathing excitedly]
[as older man] "That's right, son."
"Fifty-five years ago today,
this lovely lady sittin' next to me right here
said I do, and we've been together ever since."
[as self] "That is beautiful."
"May I ask you a question?"
[as man] "Absolutely."
[as self] "How come you're not talking?"
[audience chuckles]
[laughs as older man]
"He wants to know how come we're... Laugh, goddammit."
[audience laughs]
"Son, when you've been together as long as the two of us have,
you might've seen a thing or two."
Uh, uh...
"We have children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren."
"We have traveled this great big world of ours many times over."
"We're both retired military."
"We have seen the best in people."
"And, unfortunately, when you're around and alive
as long as the two of us have been, uh,
you've unfortunately seen the worst in people as well."
"We have had just about every type of conversation
there is to have.
[audience chuckles]
At least twice.
[audience laughs]
And after 55 years of marriage,
well, hell, we're just trying to enjoy each other's company,
even if it's in silence."
I said, "You've had every type of conversation there is to have?"
And I guess I triggered him, because he was like,
"Look at me!"
"I've been in combat."
"Nothing can faze me."
"Nothing can surprise me anymore."
- [as self] "You don't say." - [audience laughs]
So, I took a step towards them, I grab my shirt, and I flash them.
[audience laughs]
And then I walked away.
And you know what happened next?
They started talking!
[audience laughs and cheers]
I gave that couple the greatest gift they will never ever acknowledge.
Something new, something spontaneous, something outrageous,
something neither one of them had ever seen before.
I gave them a new story.
I promise you,
every year moving forward, all they're gonna talk about is
what happened at 55.
[as older man] "Remember, honey. Remember when that Samoan flashed us?"
[audience laughs]
Right.
'Cause I'm a giver.
I remember many, many years ago,
before there was a venue like this to perform in,
the only place around here for comedians to do shows
was at a comedy club right outside these doors
that was part of the original layout of the casino.
[audience cheers]
It was a club called The Improv. There's a chain all over.
[audience cheers]
And, you know, many, many years ago, before all of this,
that's where Martin and myself, my buddy Alfred,
we'd go do shows at the... at the club.
And the first time we got a chance to perform there,
I didn't really have a name.
I wasn't really established yet.
And I want to take this moment to acknowledge and thank one person
who was super, super helpful in that,
a man by the name of DJ Laz.
[audience cheers]
That's right, people. The Pimp with the Limp.
Oh, yeah, Papá. Yeah.
"It's your boy, DJ Laz." I love him, man. He's great. He's awesome.
But yeah, he walks in circles. He does.
He walks in circles. Nice guy.
DJ Laz was one of the first people
to allow me to be on morning radio with him,
and he helped promote my shows.
Not only would he allow me to go on his show and promote my shows,
he would come to my shows, and he would bring people,
and he'd watch and he'd sit and hang out and laugh.
The man has a million things he can do in Miami, but he'd come watch my show.
And then the next day, "Papá, come on the radio with me."
"We're gonna talk about your show."
And he would help me sell out these shows year after year after year.
So, Laz,
I know you're watching, Papá. Thank you.
This is part of you, Papá.
Muchas gracias.
Thank you.
But that was many years down the line.
In the beginning,
the first time I performed at that comedy club,
right outside these doors, that's no longer there...
Um, I'm talking to the marketing person.
Now, keep in mind, this is so long ago, there was no social media.
There was no TikTok, no freaking Twitter, no Facebook, none of that.
The only way you could promote yourself back then was,
you had to get on morning radio, morning news,
have somebody do a write-up on you in the newspaper.
Remember those?
Yeah. And then, of course, word-of-mouth, which is always the best.
Uh, they had posters at the comedy club.
And so, the marketing guy goes, "Gabriel."
"Help me help you help us."
"We want to sell tickets. How do you want to be promoted?"
I said, "Well..."
Keep in mind, long time ago.
I said, "Um, this is how I want you to promote my show."
"Please use a photo."
"Under the photo, put my name, Gabriel Iglesias."
I didn't have the nickname Fluffy yet. That's how long ago this was.
I said, "Underneath that, please put, 'As seen on Comedy Central.'"
Because at the time, that was the only television credit I had.
So the marketing guy goes, "Well, I was thinking, what about,
'Gabriel Iglesias and his amigos'?"
[audience chuckles]
"'Amigos'?"
"Why 'amigos'?"
"Because I have other Mexicans with me?"
And he looked at me and said, "Good. You get it."
[audience laughs]
[as self] "I don't like that. What about 'Gabriel Iglesias and friends'?"
"Well, we want to put a couple of buzzwords out there
to let the community know what type of show it is."
I said, "What type of show is it?" [as guy] "It's a special show."
[as self] "I don't feel special."
[as guy] "Gabriel, hear me out. What about like a taco Tuesday?"
[as self] "I don't like it." [as guy] "Okay, what about salsa night?"
[as self] "Salsa night?"
"Wait, like dancing or chips and guac?"
[audience laughs]
"Either one, I don't like it."
I could not believe I was having this conversation,
and I wanted to get upset.
I wanted to go off on this guy
for trying to make me feel like less of a person, right?
But I didn't, because I knew that if I went off on them,
I would have been seen as difficult.
I would have been seen as a problem,
and I would not have been given another opportunity to come back.
When people ask me, "What do you credit for your success?"
Of course, talent, showing up, doing what you gotta do.
But one word that gets left out a lot is the word "sacrifice."
I had to sacrifice something that day,
and a lot of people think they know what sacrifice means
but honestly, until you have to make one, I don't think you do.
I had to sacrifice my pride
because as much as I wanted to go off on this guy,
I knew that if I did, I'd be shooting myself in the foot.
I knew that if they could see what I could do on that stage,
they'd have to bring me back, and they'd have to treat me different.
[audience cheers]
So as much as it hurt, as much as it sucked,
I allowed that stupid taco Tuesday to happen.
So, for me, I was very upset.
I was wondering, is this something that happens to all new comedians,
or was I being singled out?
It was killing me. I needed to know.
I couldn't just take out my phone and google it
because that wasn't an option all those years back.
So what I had to do was I had to go to the front door of the club
where they had a bin, and the bin had flyers in it.
So I grabbed the flyer, and I looked at it.
And the flyer had the list of upcoming comedy shows.
And I was so upset when I saw it
because all it was, was pictures, names, and television credits.
No silly names, no theme nights, no "spicy this" or "crazy that."
Just comedy.
So I said, "Why are they doing this stupid taco Tuesday thing to me?"
So I said, "Let me try to find another comedian
who's a little bit more in my vein."
If you know what I mean.
The only other comedian I could find
was a man by the name of George Lopez.
[audience cheers]
With George's promo, however, it was just a picture, name,
and underneath that,
a television credit that said, "As seen on ABC."
That's it.
It didn't say, "Likes to ride a donkey, George Lopez,"
"Eats a burrito with both hands, George Lopez."
"Ay, ay, ay. I just jumped the wall. It's George Lopez." No!
So I said, "Why are they doing this to me?"
So then I said, "All right, all right."
"Let me see how they promote the Black comedians."
And with the Black comedians, it was the same thing.
Picture, name, television credit, and that's it.
Unless it was a show that had multiple Black comedians on it
because if the comedy club had a show with three or more Black comics on it,
they would put a catchy name to it.
They would call the show "Urban Night"
or "Apollo Night" or "Def Jam Comedy Night,"
"BET Comedy Night," "Black-ish Comedy Night."
But that's as far as they would go.
They wouldn't go to the next level like they would for me.
Oh, yeah. There was no "Margarita Monday" or "Taco Tuesday"
or "Wetback Wednesday" or "Tortilla Thursday,"
or "Fiesta Friday," or "Sábado Gigante"! No.
That would never happen to Black people. Are you kidding me?
You'll never see a "Malt Liquor Monday"
or "Tupac Tuesday," or "Watermelon Wednesday"
or "Thong, Th-Thong, Thong Thursday,"
or "Fried Chicken Friday" or "Sookie-Sookie Saturday"
or "Slap-a-Ho Sunday"!
[audience laughs and cheers]
And that most definitely will not happen to white people.
[audience chuckling]
[scattered cheers]
[speaks inaudibly]
[cheering grows louder]
Oh, I'mma do the joke.
And you know why you can laugh and enjoy and not feel threatened
by what I'm about to say?
Because, like what I said earlier tonight,
I am here to entertain, I am not here to offend.
I'm here to have fun with everybody, starting with me.
Plus, it'll never happen.
You'll never see a "Monster Truck Monday" or "Trailer Park Tuesday"
or "White Trash Wednesday" or "Take Your Sister Out Thursday."
[audience laughs]
[in Southern accent] "Oh, hell no, Fluffy! You done crossed the line now!"
"My name is Dustin, and I don't play that shit."
[audience laughs and cheers]
"I'm from Davie, goddammit."
[audience cheers]
Next time, stay quiet.
[audience laughs]
So...
I was talking to Martin backstage before I came out,
and he goes, "Are you gonna share the story about the theme nights thing
that happened at The Improv here, and y'know?"
I go, "Well, y'know, I think I should, Martin."
"I think I should tell the story about, y'know, the theme nights."
He goes, "Gabe, can I tell you something about that theme nights bit?"
I go, "Tell me, Martin."
[as Martin] "Do you realize that in all the years
I have heard you tell this story about what happened at that club,
do you understand that you've never once
finished the week?"
[audience chuckles]
I said, "Martin, you know why that is, right?"
"It's the rule of comedy."
"You always want to end on the biggest laugh."
"Thursday gets the biggest laugh, which is why I stopped at Thursday."
And Martin goes, "I know, I know, I know."
"But you're robbing white people of their week."
[audience laughs]
I never looked at it that way.
"Fox News Friday."
[audience laughs]
"Storm the Capitol Saturday."
[audience laughs]
"Say You're Sorry Sunday"!
[audience cheers]
Are we still havin' a good time?
[audience cheers]
Are we still having fun?
[cheering grows louder]
That's what I'm talkin' about.
People laughing, not getting upset, not getting offended,
not freakin' making a stink.
And let me tell you right now, for the five people
who have never heard of me before, this... is for you.
[scattered cheers]
I get pulled over one night,
two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-through.
[audience cheering knowingly]
I made a left turn instead of making a right turn,
but I wasn't paying attention, 'cause I had a box, right?
I was like, "Oh, you're gonna get it."
[chuckles enthusiastically]
[exclaims, chuckles] "You're gonna get it."
I make a wrong turn all of a sudden.
[imitates siren]
[groans]
[imitates vehicle approaching]
[grunts sadly]
"Later."
[audience laughs]
[gibbers indistinctly]
The officer is taking forever. I said, "Forget this."
I grab the box of donuts. I put it on my lap.
I flipped it open. I was like...
[inhales sharply] Mm!
[chuckles] Ah!
[exclaims wildly]
And just as I was about to tear it up, the officer gets to the window,
and he's like, "You know why I stopped you?"
It was too easy.
I picked up the box, and I said...
[with audience] "'Cause you can smell it!"
[audience cheering]
[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
[audience continues cheering]
[chime dings]
[Gabriel] You're probably wondering, why did we pause the special again?
Well, I just want to let you guys know most comedians would've already said,
"Thank you, good night," gone home, cashed their Netflix checks,
and hope they get another phone call.
"Please call me, Netflix."
[inhales] But this guy is not most comedians.
That's what happens when you hire a Mexican.
We love overtime.
[audience cheering]
Thank you for still wanting to hear a joke that's over 20 years old.
[audience cheers]
I grew up watching you too.
[audience laughs]
Got chills when I...
[in Spanish] Look, look.
[audience laughs]
[in English] That was beautiful.
I love you too, and that... Seriously, you guys, thank you for that.
Thank you.
[audience cheers]
Thank you.
There are fans,
and then there's what you just did right now.
[audience cheering]
I don't know any other comedian that gets this type of love and loyalty.
Thank you so much.
I'm not getting off the stage yet 'cause I still got more to go,
but I want to say thank you for that.
[audience cheers]
Thank you.
[sighs dramatically]
[audience cheering]
[Gabriel] Whoo!
So when I started doing stand-up in 1997,
the only place that would allow me to go up on stage and do what I do
were bars.
Dive bars, rough bars.
Uh, Martin and I, that's where we met, many, many years ago.
We're performing at this bar in Montebello, California,
and, uh, you had to fight with the crowd.
You had to fight because there was noise.
There were TVs on.
People were drinking, smoking... People were doing everything in there
but paying attention.
So you had to come out quick, trying to get them to laugh.
And one night, this comedian pulls me aside,
and he goes, "Hey, kid."
And when he called me kid, I got upset.
I'm like, "I could drink."
[audience laughs]
I was 20, 21 years old, and, you know, even though I thought I was grown,
I wasn't.
I wasn't grown.
Uh, I got upset that he pulled me aside.
He goes, "Can I give you some advice?"
I'm like, "Who does this guy think he is? I'm funnier than him."
That's what I thought because at the age of 21, I was a punk.
I really was.
And so, I don't know what got into me where I said,
"Sure, I'll hear you out."
And I just stood there, and he said, "Listen."
"Um, you're really likeable on stage, and that's rare."
"I'm gonna give you a bit of advice."
"If you cut all the cussing out of your show
and start taking the filthy material out,
I think you're gonna have a long career ahead of you."
And I know I said "take the cussing out" and I... I said the F-word twice tonight.
[audience chuckles]
Technically, no, three times. I said it three times.
Um, but I'm mindful of it.
I'm keeping count. It's not every other word.
Plus, we're in a casino.
[audience cheers]
Okay. No one loses their ass and says, "Aw, shucks." No.
[audience laughs]
I heard some of you cussing before.
"When the fuck is this gonna start?" Yeah, I heard you. I heard you.
[in Spanish] I'm fat, not deaf.
[in English] I heard you, goddammit.
So anyway,
he gives me this advice.
Cut the cussing out of your show, take out the filthy material.
And I don't know why I listen, but I did, and he was absolutely right.
All of a sudden, I started getting opportunities left and right.
I started getting booked at colleges, high schools, churches, fairs.
And then the big one,
casinos.
[audience cheers]
[cheering fades]
Back in the day,
you had to be squeaky-clean to perform at a casino.
Uh, but that's not the case anymore.
If you can sell tickets, it doesn't matter what you do,
they want to book you.
But back in the day, there was only a few people who could pull it off.
I was fortunate to be one of those people. So I remember, I got booked to perform
at a casino called Morongo in Southern California,
and I'm backstage with the booker,
the lady that hired me for the function, and she goes, "So, no cussing, right?"
I go, "No. No cussing."
[as booker] "No filthy material?" [as self] "No filthy material."
[as booker] "Good luck."
And it was just me. I didn't have openers. It was just me.
It was a voice-over on the frickin' speaker, right?
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome comedian, funny man Gabriel Iglesias."
And then I just... I walked out there, right?
I offended the entire audience...
[audience chuckles]
...in five seconds.
And I did it without cussing.
Frickin' 22-year-old kid goes up on stage, looks at the crowd and says,
"Hey, everybody! Is this a regular casino, or is this an Indian casino?"
[audience groans and laughs]
You see how you all know?
[audience laughs]
I didn't know.
I didn't know because I didn't have TikTok to teach me.
[audience chuckles]
What I did have was a life experience that I'll never forget.
As soon as I said that, the entire front row,
which comprised of the tribal members from the casino,
they all stood up,
and one of them called me out in front of the entire audience.
"Hey! Hey! You don't say that anymore!"
"The proper term is Native American."
"Please show respect."
And I was like, "Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I didn't know."
And I felt horrible, and I was so embarrassed.
Fortunately, I had a second show at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock hits.
I take the stage.
I didn't need to be told a thousand times that I messed up.
That one time of me getting shamed in front of the entire audience
was all I needed.
That's why I'm a firm believer in shaming.
[audience laughs]
I think shaming is good.
Shaming is good as long as you shame with purpose.
If you're about to teach someone a valuable lesson,
I say go for it because it worked for me.
I got shamed one time.
Second show, ten o'clock. I took the stage. Ooh, it was different.
I was like, "Before I get started, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to take this opportunity
to thank all of the Native Americans who are here tonight."
"Thank you for this opportunity to perform in your casino."
"I hope you enjoy the performance."
[audience cheers and laughs]
I thought I was good.
All of a sudden, another tribal member in the back jumped up.
And he's like, "Hey, drop the 'American'! Just say 'Native'!"
[audience laughs]
[as self] "'Kay!"
[audience laughs]
That stayed with me. That was powerful.
That was scary.
Next time I did a casino, first thing I said was,
"I would like to acknowledge all of the Natives who are here tonight,"
and then someone yelled out, "We're Indigenous!"
Fuck me!
That's four.
[audience laughs and cheers]
[chime dings]
With time, I got a chance to perform all across the United States,
and then I get my first-ever show in Canada.
Ironically enough,
at a casino.
[audience laughs]
It's a casino we still perform at
called Caesars in the city of Windsor, Ontario,
right across the water from Detroit, Michigan.
[audience cheers]
I come to find out the hard way that in Canada,
it is a completely different term for describing the... people...
[audience chuckles]
...originally from that land.
The proper term in Canada is actually
"First Nation."
I didn't know that. I was so nervous being in Canada,
I said, "Native American."
[audience laughs]
Like, "Hello?" I'm not even in America, right?
Frickin' stupid, right? Pendejo, I know.
[audience laughs]
Fortunately, someone pulled me to the side, and they told me what was up.
I was lucky that I had a second show.
Ten o'clock, I take the stage, and I'm like,
"Before I begin, I would like to acknowledge
all of the First Nation people who are here tonight."
Then some guy yells out, "Call us Indians!"
[audience laughs]
This guy in the front row was like...
[in Indian accent] "They're not Indian."
[audience laughs]
[in Indian accent] "They are not Indian!"
[as self] Canada has always been an adventure.
There was one show that we did at the same casino.
Anytime now, we perform outside of the United States,
even if it's next door in Canada or Mexico,
Martin's first question to the audience is,
"Do we have any Americans in the house tonight?"
Because no matter where we perform in the world, there's always a handful.
So that night, Martin takes the stage, and he asked the question,
"Do we have any Americans here tonight?"
Not knowing that earlier in the day,
at that same casino, in the grand ballroom,
there was a... a end-of-year holiday party from an American company
from right across the water in Detroit.
And they were having this end-of-year celebration,
and they were there, pre-gaming since noon.
[audience chuckles]
Partying it up.
And I guess the... the party planner for the event
thought it would be an amazing idea to end their party with laughter.
So this person bought all of the tickets to my show that night
and gave them to that company.
Well, seven o'clock rolls around, and everybody stumbles in,
takes their seats, and then Martin walks out, and he asked the question,
"Do we have any Americans?"
And instead of getting a "Yay," "Whoo," "Right here," he got...
[imitates crowd roaring]
They were so drunk, they started chanting.
"USA! USA! USA! USA!"
I'm in the dressing room, hearing this. I'm like, "Why are we here?"
[audience laughs]
"We could have done this in Detroit." You know? I had to fill out paperwork.
I'm like, "This is not cool."
So during intermission, Martin comes backstage
and he tells me, "Bro, I don't know if you heard..."
[as self] "Oh, I heard."
[as Martin] "Might wanna mention it." I go, "Oh, I will."
So at some point during my performance, I told the audience,
"So, a little bird told me
there might be a couple of Americans here tonight."
"Is that true?"
Sure enough...
[imitates crowd roaring]
And they started doing it again.
[chanting] "USA! USA! USA!"
Then it got quiet, and you could hear, "'Murica."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Ladies and gentlemen, do you understand what just happened?"
"We just made history."
And people in the front row, they're like, "What are you talking about, history?"
I said, "We just made history."
"Who would have ever thought you'd see the day
where thousands upon thousands upon thousands upon thousands
of Americans would cross a border...
[audience laughs and cheers]
...to see a Mexican?"
[audience cheers]
Thank you for 27 years of supporting this Mexican.
[in Spanish] Miami, I love you so much. Many thanks.
[in English] Have a good night!
Thank you!
- ["UP!" by Connor Price playing] - ♪ I was down but now I'm up ♪
♪ This all God, this ain't no luck... ♪
[chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
♪ Up, up, up, up, aye ♪
♪ I was down but now I'm ♪
♪ Up like my name Lazarus Know Satan gon' be mad at this ♪
♪ I had to ask my dad if it's okay To swing my bat at this ♪
♪ He said, "Boy if I pitch it It's out of the park" ♪
♪ Moving so quick it's like They stuck in park ♪
♪ They see the numbers But I see the heart ♪
♪ Ten thousand hours He spent in the dark ♪
♪ Puttin' in good work Even though he didn't know it would work ♪
♪ Talk about a man who grew up In woodwork ♪
♪ Do it for the love That's the way it should work ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I know some people gon' look At me crazy, and I'm like, for what? ♪
♪ Yeah, I was stuck I was down but now I'm up, yeah ♪
♪ This all God, this ain't no luck, yeah ♪
♪ I used to be stuck in that mud, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, I was down but now I'm up Up, up, up, up ♪
♪ I was down but now I'm Down, now I'm up like a seesaw ♪
♪ When I'm on the beat Like an old man's lawn, keep off ♪
♪ From the ground to the treetops ♪
♪ Got clouds on my feet Like Jack and the Beanstalk ♪
♪ Jumped off quick Went straight into free-fall ♪
♪ Cowboy hat and a mic singing "Yeehaw" ♪
♪ Landed on my feet like a feline ♪
♪ Put 'em back in the seat Like a recline, aye ♪
♪ What, I'm not worthy? Did it with a purpose ♪
♪ Didn't need a permit ♪
♪ Digging from bottom Brought it to the surface ♪
♪ Mind your business, now who I worship Who the little guy making big moves? ♪
♪ TikTok turn into a tick-tick-tick boom Yeah, I talk a lot of stuff ♪
♪ Prolly thought it was a bluff Till I went and turned it where? ♪
♪ I was down but now I'm up Up, let's go, yeah ♪
♪ This all God, this ain't no luck, yeah I used to be stuck in that mud ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, I was down But now I'm up, up, up, up, up ♪
- ♪ I was down but now I'm up! ♪ - [hip-hop fades]