1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,591
[crowd cheering]
2
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,640
[crowd chanting] Fluffy!
3
00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:19,601
- [cheering stops]
- [Gabriel] Man, look at this crowd.
4
00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:22,855
They are going crazy for this guy.
5
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,440
Who is he?
6
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:27,110
Why are they losing their minds?
7
00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:31,780
Well, I guess we're just gonna
have to go back to the beginning
8
00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:33,240
and figure it out.
9
00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:37,411
Editor, please do me a favor
and take us back to the beginning.
10
00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:38,579
[tape rewinds]
11
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:41,999
[Gabriel] Uh, you know what? I think
you might have gone a little too far.
12
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,252
Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I get it.
Last special. Performed at a stadium.
13
00:00:45,253 --> 00:00:46,879
Mexican Taylor Swift over here.
14
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,839
Okay. Uh... I... You went a li...
15
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,050
Hello? That's... a lot...
16
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,051
Uh, you went...
17
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,386
All right. Real funny, editor.
18
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,055
Real funny.
19
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,558
When I said go back to the beginning,
this isn't what I meant.
20
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:02,478
- But seriously, how long is this special?
- [chime dings]
21
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:05,856
[Gabriel] Oh. Okay, well,
we'll rewind it just that amount,
22
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:08,817
and let's give these people
somethin' to talk about.
23
00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:10,069
{\an8}[clanking]
24
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,988
{\an8}- [shot machine chiming]
- [coins clinking]
25
00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:14,239
{\an8}["Trendsetter" playing]
26
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,659
{\an8}♪ The number you have dialed
Is not available at present ♪
27
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,912
{\an8}♪ Please leave your message
After the beep ♪
28
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,413
♪ Yeah, trendsetter ♪
29
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:22,831
♪ Whoa, league of my own ♪
30
00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:25,292
♪ It don't get better, no
Read what I wrote ♪
31
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,044
♪ I'm a bestseller, yeah ♪
32
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:28,087
♪ Reach for my goals ♪
33
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,089
♪ Hit it dead center, hit it dead center ♪
34
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,132
- [bell dings]
- ♪ Bull's-eye, hit it the most... ♪
35
00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:34,968
[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
36
00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:39,723
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
37
00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:41,600
[cheering grows louder]
38
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,310
♪ A better bat
Because I'm bigger, better ♪
39
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,687
♪ Solo singles selling several shows
Out every second ♪
40
00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:47,606
♪ Peter Piper picked
A peck of pickled peppers ♪
41
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:49,316
♪ Connor came
And crushed the competition ♪
42
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:50,651
♪ Hope they get the message ♪
43
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:53,195
♪ Look, living it fast
Been in my Eminem bag, never go slow ♪
44
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,864
{\an8}♪ Thinking I'll crash, end up in the past
They know I won't though ♪
45
00:01:55,865 --> 00:01:58,408
{\an8}♪ Big fish catchin' me
They gon' need a bigger boat ♪
46
00:01:58,409 --> 00:02:01,954
{\an8}♪ Ironic how the world stops
When I spin the globe ♪
47
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,247
{\an8}♪ Always showing up ♪
48
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:05,833
{\an8}♪ Last year's songs still holdin' up... ♪
49
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,669
{\an8}[cheering grows louder]
50
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:15,717
{\an8}[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
51
00:02:15,718 --> 00:02:18,887
{\an8}We're in Miami, bitch!
52
00:02:18,888 --> 00:02:20,974
{\an8}[loud cheering]
53
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:23,392
Yeah. Freaking Miami.
54
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,686
This is the only place
I could pull this off.
55
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:26,979
[crowd laughs]
56
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,605
I can't wear this in LA. They're like,
57
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:30,984
[in Spanish] "I'm blind!"
58
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,027
[in English] "It's too much."
59
00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:36,948
Ah, freaking Mexican DJ Khaled up here.
I know, right?
60
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,661
Also, I would like to thank,
since we're here,
61
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,745
Only in Dade.
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00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:45,290
Thank you so much.
63
00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:51,670
If you know, you know...
64
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:53,172
[audience cheers]
65
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,132
...and I think you know.
66
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,758
[crowd chuckles]
67
00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:59,845
And also, to my friends
over at La Carreta for all the food. So...
68
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:02,140
[crowd cheers]
69
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:03,849
Yes.
70
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,601
[laughing]
71
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:06,769
Yeah, man.
72
00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,021
Before we get started, you guys,
73
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:13,859
uh, I would like to thank
the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino
74
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:20,407
for the opportunity to record a special.
75
00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:24,036
No other entertainer
has done a special here yet.
76
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,829
Tonight is the first one.
77
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,916
[crowd cheering]
78
00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:33,503
It wasn't the Rolling Stones.
It wasn't the Eagles.
79
00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:35,672
They trusted a comedian...
80
00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:37,132
[crowd cheers]
81
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:38,342
...to make this happen.
82
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:39,801
So I wanna say thank you.
83
00:03:39,802 --> 00:03:43,096
Is anybody else staying here
at the, uh... at the Hard Rock?
84
00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:45,098
[crowd cheers]
85
00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:46,558
Hey, me too.
86
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,768
[audience laughs]
87
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:50,187
This is a beautiful hotel,
88
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,689
and I'm not just saying that
'cause my room is free.
89
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:54,776
[audience laughs]
90
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:59,947
You know you're in a nice hotel and casino
when you turn on your TV in your room
91
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:01,490
and they have their own video.
92
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:04,910
Like, if you're staying here,
you turn on the TV, you get this,
93
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:05,953
[trills tongue]
94
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:10,499
[feminine voice] "Welcome
to the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino."
95
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,501
[audience chuckles]
96
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:13,962
[moans seductively]
97
00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:22,095
"Twenty-four-hour gambling,
seven days a week, 365 days a year."
98
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:26,266
[moans suggestively]
99
00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:31,271
I'm sitting there like,
"Why can't I stop watching this?"
100
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:33,689
And I started thinking,
101
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:36,901
at this point, why don't they just do that
to the slot machines?
102
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,987
You know? Gambling's already shameless.
103
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,864
Might as well go all the way.
104
00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:45,367
You walk up to one of the little machines,
pop in a 20.
105
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:46,451
[whirring]
106
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:47,912
[moans loudly]
107
00:04:59,590 --> 00:05:02,092
[whirring, moans]
108
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:04,553
[feminine voice] "Don't stop."
[as self] "I'm not gonna."
109
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,804
[audience laughs]
110
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:07,973
People are walking by.
"What are you doing?"
111
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,977
- [as self] "Trying to get the jackpot!"
- [audience laughs]
112
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:16,732
Yeah, man. I'm gonna start
the show off tonight with a question.
113
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:20,485
That's not how comedy shows happen,
but I'm gonna start it with a question.
114
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:21,737
The question is,
115
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:28,161
who here tonight has never heard of me
up until tonight?
116
00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:31,331
[scattered cheering]
117
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:32,665
Five.
118
00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:36,168
Two. Five. Okay.
119
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:39,297
To those of you,
the five of you, I say, "Sorry."
120
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,966
I know you got excited.
You saw the ticket.
121
00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:45,218
You saw the last name,
and then I walked out.
122
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,387
And you're like, "Enrique got bigger."
123
00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:49,307
[audience laughs]
124
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,607
The only reason why I ask
who has never seen or heard of me before
125
00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:03,403
is because if you have,
then you know the type of show that I do.
126
00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:07,324
And you know the type of show
that I don't do.
127
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:11,870
Like, I'm not here to tell you
who to vote for, who not to vote for,
128
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,955
what shot to take
or what baby to get rid of.
129
00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:15,458
That's not for me to say.
130
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,502
If you're already offended,
you missed the point.
131
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:20,796
I'm telling you what I'm not gonna do.
132
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:25,675
I promise you, I am here to entertain,
not offend. Okay?
133
00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:27,762
[audience cheers]
134
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,431
We're gonna have fun with everybody.
135
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:32,599
Starting with me,
136
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,435
but I'm gonna let you know,
we're living in a different time.
137
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:37,437
I've been doing this so long,
138
00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:39,940
I always figured,
as long as I'm being nice,
139
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:43,902
I shouldn't have any issues,
but it's a very different time.
140
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:46,530
This is year 27 for me.
141
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:47,823
[crowd cheers]
142
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,075
Yeah.
143
00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:52,619
Twenty-seven years of being a comedian.
144
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:55,288
And in those 27 years,
I never had to worry.
145
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:59,709
You know, when I first got started,
shoot... 1997,
146
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:01,421
I was clean-shaven,
147
00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:03,256
I had hair.
148
00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:06,968
I know. Look at some of you.
"What happened?"
149
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:08,844
Huh?
150
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,388
Vaccine. I know.
151
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,100
I'm kidding. I'm kid...
I'm kidding. Sorry, Florida.
152
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,144
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
153
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:20,105
I said "Vaccine," some of you were like,
"I told you!" Yeah.
154
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,231
[crowd laughs]
155
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:23,066
[in Spanish] "I told you. He said so."
156
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:25,277
[audience chuckles]
157
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,070
[in English] Some friends tell me,
158
00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:30,740
"Dude, man, you're making money now.
Why don't you get the hair thingy?"
159
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:31,741
I said, "For what?"
160
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:34,454
"Well, you know, some women,
they want a guy with hair."
161
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:36,079
Well, good for them.
162
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,164
[audience laughs]
163
00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:38,248
And they're not lying.
164
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:41,418
I have gone out with some women
that made it a point to tell me
165
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,462
that hair was important.
166
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:48,384
One told me flat out, "I need to be able
to run my fingers through your hair."
167
00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:52,345
Yeah! And I told her,
"Hey, look, if you go deep enough...
168
00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:54,432
[audience laughs]
169
00:07:57,768 --> 00:07:59,729
...you're gonna get your wish."
170
00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:03,983
"You were not specific on location. Hey."
171
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:07,028
"You want hair,
you want pelos, I got you."
172
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:12,866
But, yeah, 27 years of being a comedian.
173
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:19,206
And in those 27 years,
I have seen a lot of comedians
174
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,958
come and go.
175
00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:25,212
And I feel very grateful
that in all that time,
176
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:29,633
we've still managed
to maintain a certain level.
177
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,719
[audience cheers]
178
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,600
So I feel like
we're doing something right.
179
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:39,935
Which feels weird to me,
180
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:43,439
because now I feel like
you gotta be very mindful.
181
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:49,194
Okay? You gotta be extra mindful.
Like... Uh, 27 years of being a comedian,
182
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,780
I finally started hearing
people tell me things
183
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:53,448
that I've never heard before.
184
00:08:53,449 --> 00:08:55,784
I started hearing people
tell me things like,
185
00:08:55,785 --> 00:09:00,581
"Hey, Fluffy. I grew up watching you."
186
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:03,084
[audience chuckles]
187
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:11,675
Which is an incredible compliment
because that doesn't just say
188
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,802
that you're a fan,
that says that you're invested.
189
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:17,430
That says that you've been following
this career for a very long time.
190
00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:21,519
Some of you, the first time
you saw me perform, you were kids.
191
00:09:23,187 --> 00:09:25,189
[audience cheers]
192
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:32,696
And now some of you are here tonight
with your kids.
193
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:34,155
[audience cheers]
194
00:09:34,156 --> 00:09:38,243
And so, I just want to say thank you
for all those years of trust
195
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,830
and continuing to come back
to see the show.
196
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,540
It means a lot.
197
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,585
[audience cheers and applauds]
198
00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:50,589
Hearing someone say
they grew up watching me,
199
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,841
that is one of
the most beautiful compliments
200
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,342
any entertainer can receive.
201
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:58,888
And I understand that now,
with therapy, that that's what that means.
202
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,391
- [audience chuckles]
- Look, I'm not gonna lie.
203
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:04,978
The first time I heard someone tell me
that they grew up watching me,
204
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,480
I didn't know how to handle it.
205
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:09,566
I didn't know how to process
206
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:15,822
because nobody wants
to feel like they're getting... old.
207
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:17,657
The first time I heard it, I was like...
208
00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,784
[gasps dramatically]
209
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:22,830
Second time I heard it,
I was like, "Buy a hat."
210
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:26,333
The third time, I accepted it. I was like,
211
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:30,211
[as old white man']
"Many years ago, when I first got started,
212
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:34,132
all of this was land
as far as the eye could see."
213
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,384
"It was a very different time, and..."
214
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:39,304
By the way, I don't know
why my old voice is white.
215
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,431
[audience laughs]
216
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:42,933
He just is.
217
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:47,312
I tried doing the Mexican voice,
but you don't take him as serious.
218
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,938
[in Spanish] "Well, screw you."
219
00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:52,442
"We were at the ranch,
and were told to fuck off, dude."
220
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,236
"It's very tough out there."
221
00:10:57,573 --> 00:11:00,241
[in English] But times are changing.
The rules are changing.
222
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,369
So I don't know
how much longer this is gonna be okay.
223
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:05,622
I'll tell you what happened to me
and why I brought that up.
224
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,749
I did a podcast.
225
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:12,629
And before I went into the studio,
I'm talking to the producer outside.
226
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:16,633
And the producer's excited and happy,
and she's like, "Gabriel Iglesias,
227
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,134
we're so excited to have you."
228
00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:19,511
"This is really cool."
229
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:23,682
"Before you go in, the host wanted me
to ask you something
230
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,350
before you go in for your interview."
231
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,851
I go, "Sure, go for it."
232
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:31,148
"Okay. What do you identify as?"
233
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,193
[audience chuckles]
234
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:41,032
I wasn't sure how to answer that.
235
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:43,952
I'm 47 years old.
I didn't know what to say.
236
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:45,954
I was like, "Shit. Hungry, I guess."
237
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,872
- I mean...
- [audience laughs]
238
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:50,667
I'm tired, sleepy, depressed on Tuesdays.
239
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,712
I don't know what you want me to say.
240
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,673
See, here's the thing.
241
00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:59,300
I knew what she was trying to ask me.
242
00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:03,972
I just wasn't trying to get involved
in a conversation about something
243
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,601
that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
244
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:09,352
This was... Yeah.
245
00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:11,439
[audience cheers]
246
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,942
I felt like I was being baited
247
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:18,361
because no matter how
I answered that question,
248
00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:21,573
I was gonna find myself
in an awkward situation.
249
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:25,368
So you know, because for me,
I was just like, "Let me just be funny."
250
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:30,123
But nowadays, you can't just
not answer the question
251
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,959
because silence is seen as a problem.
252
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,379
And I'm sorry if me not answering
a certain question
253
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:37,839
is considered a problem.
254
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:43,011
I was brought up during a time
where you were constantly told
255
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:46,932
to mind your business.
256
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,727
[audience cheers]
257
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,898
That's all I'm trying to do
is stay in my lane.
258
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:57,525
Another thing we were constantly told was
259
00:12:57,526 --> 00:13:02,906
always respect your elders.
260
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:04,992
[audience cheers]
261
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:11,581
And no matter
what generation you were from,
262
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:15,418
that was at least the one thing
we could always agree on
263
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:16,419
until now.
264
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:20,340
Now older people are seen as a problem.
265
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:21,466
They are.
266
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,009
You know, and I understand
267
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:26,596
the youth of today has the technology
in the palm of their hands,
268
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:30,016
and you can google just about anything,
269
00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:34,229
but you cannot google life experience.
270
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,523
Okay?
271
00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:40,860
You can't. You can't download struggling.
You can't download failure.
272
00:13:40,861 --> 00:13:43,738
You can't download these moments
that help build you up
273
00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:45,740
to make you a better person.
274
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,534
And so again, for me,
275
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:51,120
I chose to stay in my lane
and just crack jokes
276
00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,248
when the girl asked me the question.
277
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:56,459
She got very upset. She got very offended.
278
00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:58,002
As soon as I cracked the joke,
279
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,463
she was like,
"No, that's not what I mean."
280
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:02,716
"I mean what are your pronouns?"
281
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:05,594
"What?"
282
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:07,971
"What are your pronouns?"
283
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,975
"For example, are you a they or them?"
284
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:14,227
"A they"?
285
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,770
[audience chuckles]
286
00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:16,981
"Or a them"?
287
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,986
[audience laughs]
288
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,364
"How fat am I?"
289
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:28,992
[audience laughs]
290
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,287
"When did I stop being an it?"
291
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,039
Apparently, I ate myself into a plural.
292
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,249
That's what happened.
293
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,335
[audience chuckles and applauds]
294
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:48,553
What I'm finding is,
even if you have good intentions,
295
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,096
and you're trying to be cool,
296
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:52,473
you can still find yourself
in a situation.
297
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:55,394
So, I'll tell you
what else happened to me, m'kay?
298
00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:57,812
I was at a McDonald's.
299
00:14:57,813 --> 00:14:59,565
[audience chuckles]
300
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,486
That's not even the joke, but okay.
301
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:06,821
[audience laughs]
302
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:10,117
All righty. They're like,
"Here, this is gonna be good." No, no!
303
00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:14,204
I was at a McDonald's by my house.
304
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:18,416
The McDonald's by my house
is actually a twofer.
305
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:22,670
It's a McDonald's on the corner,
and it's also a gas station.
306
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:25,757
I got a big SUV.
I knew it was gonna be a minute.
307
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:29,011
So I said, "Let me go get
some nuggets while I'm here."
308
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:33,723
I walk into the McDonald's,
and as I'm walking in,
309
00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:35,975
I couldn't help but notice
310
00:15:35,976 --> 00:15:39,270
this homeless family
sitting right outside.
311
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,273
Now, they didn't have a sign.
312
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:46,277
They did not ask me for money,
but you could just tell.
313
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:50,949
You could just tell that this poor family
is dealing with life.
314
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,326
So I get inside,
and I said, "You know what?"
315
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,244
"I don't need anything to eat."
316
00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:58,832
"I really don't.
At this point, it's just the habit."
317
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,794
[audience laughs]
318
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:11,052
I get to the register, and I say,
319
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,388
"You know what?
Let me order some food for the family."
320
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:14,764
"They got kids with them."
321
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:18,851
So I placed an order
and the cashier's like, "Anything else?"
322
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:22,689
"Actually, yes.
Do you have, um... um, Wet-Naps?"
323
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:25,566
"Excuse me?"
"You know, Wet-Naps to clean your hands."
324
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,944
"Sir, you're more than welcome
to use the restroom."
325
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,278
"I'll give you the code."
326
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:30,363
"Here's the thing."
327
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:33,074
"It's not for me.
It's for the homeless family
328
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,867
that's right outside the door."
329
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:39,330
"I want to make sure that the little kids
can clean their hands before they eat."
330
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:42,208
"This food that I just ordered
is for them."
331
00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:43,960
And as we're talking...
332
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,212
[audience cheers]
333
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:46,922
Thank you.
334
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:51,592
As we're talking,
the manager at the McDonald's
335
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:55,805
is listening in to our conversation.
336
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:58,558
And she walks over.
And she's all nosy, right?
337
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,352
She's like, "Excuse me.
I couldn't help but overhear."
338
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,857
"Did you just say that this food
is for the family outside?"
339
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,525
[as self] "Yeah. I hope that's okay."
340
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,861
[as manager] "No, it is definitely okay."
341
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:14,699
"Giving food to people who need food
is definitely okay."
342
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:18,245
"However, what you just called them
343
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,080
is not okay."
344
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,042
[audience groans]
345
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,545
[as self] "What did I call them?"
346
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,380
[as manager] "You said...
347
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:30,924
homeless."
348
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:34,636
[as self] "'Cause they are! Look. Shit."
349
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,806
[audience laughs]
350
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:40,683
"He's lickin' the window!"
351
00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:42,393
[audience laughs]
352
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:46,190
[as manager] "You can't say that word.
It's considered offensive."
353
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:48,734
[as self] "Who complained?"
354
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:53,529
"Okay, well, if I'm not supposed to say
the word 'homeless' anymore,
355
00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:56,742
what am I supposed to say
instead of the word 'homeless'?"
356
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,619
[as manager]
"The new politically correct term
357
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,538
is actually 'unhoused'
358
00:18:02,539 --> 00:18:07,336
when describing someone
in an unfortunate situation like that."
359
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,798
[audience jeering]
360
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,302
[as self] "You're kidding."
361
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:19,097
[as manager] "No, sir. I'm not kidding.
And please lower your voice."
362
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,099
[as self] "You want me to lower my voice
363
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,810
when you're saying something
so ridiculous?"
364
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,812
[as manager] "If you think
it's ridiculous,
365
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:28,524
then clearly, you are part of the problem,
366
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:30,566
not the solution."
367
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,653
[audience chuckling]
368
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:37,990
Oh, Miami. I wanted to get ghetto.
369
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:41,078
[audience cheers]
370
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,458
I wanted to get ghetto.
371
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,963
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
I wanted to go full Hialeah on them.
372
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,465
[audience cheering]
373
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:01,849
[man] Love you, Fluffy!
374
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,267
Thank you for coming, Hialeah.
375
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:06,769
[audience cheers]
376
00:19:06,770 --> 00:19:09,230
So yeah, I wanted to go off on her,
but I... I...
377
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,065
I wanted to get ghetto, but I couldn't
378
00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:14,652
because that is
the regular McDonald's I go to.
379
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:15,736
[audience chuckles]
380
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:18,699
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not trying to get banned.
381
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:22,536
The next one's far, and gas is a bitch,
so I'm like, "Nah."
382
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:26,747
So I looked at her, and I said,
"Okay. We're gonna play this game?"
383
00:19:26,748 --> 00:19:28,249
"Let's play this game."
384
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,960
"From now on,
385
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,420
I'm no longer fat."
386
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:33,880
[audience chuckles]
387
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:37,633
"According to you,
I am now 'unexercised.'"
388
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,720
[audience laughs]
389
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,974
[audience cheering]
390
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:53,567
I did, bro. She looked at me,
and she's like, "Don't be ridiculous."
391
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,360
And I looked at her, and I was like, "Oh!"
392
00:19:56,361 --> 00:20:01,909
"Oh, well, if you think it's ridiculous,
then clearly you are part of the problem."
393
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:05,411
"Not the solution."
394
00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:07,079
[audience cheers]
395
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,457
And I grabbed the food, and I walked out.
396
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:14,212
Now, second half of the story.
I walk over to the family. M'kay?
397
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:17,049
And I hand the bags of food to the mom.
398
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,884
And the mom was so nice.
399
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:24,430
She was just happy that someone
thought of her and her kids.
400
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:25,890
She got very emotional.
401
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,434
She's like,
"I just want to say thank you."
402
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:31,646
"You have no idea
what you're doing for us right now."
403
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,439
"This really means a lot."
404
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,357
"Thank you."
405
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:39,195
And I had to ask the question.
406
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,864
[audience chuckles]
407
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,668
I said,
408
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,337
"Are you okay?"
409
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,215
I know what you thought.
410
00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:03,595
Some of you are like, "Don't do it."
411
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:06,640
Oh, I did it.
That's why we're here. Watch.
412
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,600
So, I looked, and I said, "Are you okay?"
413
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:14,021
And she was like, "No, unfortunately.
We're not okay. We're not."
414
00:21:14,022 --> 00:21:16,483
"We've been homeless now for four days."
415
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:19,277
And I was like, "Um..."
416
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,363
[audience laughs]
417
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:26,993
"I don't know if you heard."
418
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:29,079
[audience laughs]
419
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,998
"But, uh..."
420
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:36,252
No, not... I didn't correct her.
421
00:21:36,253 --> 00:21:38,296
[audience chuckles]
422
00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:40,464
I didn't correct her
'cause I'm not a dick.
423
00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:42,009
That's why I didn't correct her.
424
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,511
[audience laughs]
425
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,637
That's what I mean, you guys.
426
00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,848
Even if you have good intentions nowadays,
427
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:51,017
people can take
what you're saying or doing
428
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:54,061
and twist it to make you look bad.
429
00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:57,481
There should be no consequences
430
00:21:57,482 --> 00:22:01,110
for being kind, for trying to help,
431
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:05,782
for wanting to do the right thing,
for caring.
432
00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:11,871
Unfortunately, we're still consumed
by this word called "liability"
433
00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:16,250
that sometimes we forget to be
a little human, and that's unfortunate.
434
00:22:16,251 --> 00:22:18,461
I'm not trying to get
on a soapbox about this.
435
00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:21,422
I'm trying to let you know
some things I've been dealing with,
436
00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:23,758
and I'm just here to report.
437
00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:25,885
[audience chuckles]
438
00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:29,638
The thing with me now is
that after 27 years of being a comedian,
439
00:22:29,639 --> 00:22:32,767
every time I walk out the door,
440
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:36,062
the light is officially on.
441
00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:39,774
In the sense that every time
I leave my house,
442
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:43,403
there is a slight chance
I could make the news.
443
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:46,405
For example,
444
00:22:46,406 --> 00:22:51,285
did Martin talk about how, uh, he fell
off the stage earlier in the show?
445
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:53,204
- [crowd] Yeah.
- Okay. Okay, cool.
446
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:56,957
Uh, for the home audience, Martin,
he fell a while back. He talked about it.
447
00:22:56,958 --> 00:22:58,084
I know you didn't see it,
448
00:22:58,085 --> 00:23:00,461
'cause your subscription
only covers so much.
449
00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:02,547
- Um, yeah.
- [audience laughs]
450
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:05,633
You can watch the first half on Prime.
I think it's on Prime.
451
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:09,095
Maybe you can just see it there
then come back and check out the rest.
452
00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:12,765
So, long story short, we were doing a show
in Phoenix, Arizona,
453
00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:16,811
and Martin accidentally fell
off of a stage this high,
454
00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:18,354
and he broke his foot.
455
00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:22,691
Now, the incredible part
about Martin is that he got up,
456
00:23:22,692 --> 00:23:28,239
and on adrenaline, ran around,
got back up on stage, and performed.
457
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:32,618
And then was taken to the hospital
after he walked off stage.
458
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,246
He is a professional.
459
00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:36,957
[audience cheers]
460
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:41,961
Seriously, that is a pro.
461
00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:44,797
Much respect
'cause if it would have been me...
462
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:46,757
[audience chuckles]
463
00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:48,259
If I would've fallen off stage,
464
00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:51,387
and the staff was like,
"What about the fans?"
465
00:23:51,388 --> 00:23:52,888
"Well, bye, Felicia."
466
00:23:52,889 --> 00:23:55,391
[audience laughs]
467
00:23:55,392 --> 00:23:57,184
"What do we tell 'em?" "Refund."
468
00:23:57,185 --> 00:23:59,271
[audience laughs]
469
00:24:00,355 --> 00:24:05,359
But see, the difference is
Martin had to tell you he fell
470
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:07,612
for you to know he fell.
471
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,281
And by the way, I saw the fall. I saw.
472
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:13,951
He came out and just kind of tripped over
a cord backstage,
473
00:24:13,952 --> 00:24:16,036
came through the curtain already,
you know.
474
00:24:16,037 --> 00:24:19,040
And then, you know... "Martiiin!"
475
00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:21,501
[imitates thud]
476
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,171
Women in the front row were like,
477
00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:26,839
"He fell for me."
478
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,925
[audience laughs]
479
00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:30,801
I'm glad you laughed.
480
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:33,888
I said that last night
and some guy was like, "Aw."
481
00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:35,055
[audience chuckles]
482
00:24:35,056 --> 00:24:36,432
I said, "Why 'aww'?"
483
00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:38,559
[as man] "Well, that's your friend."
484
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,855
[as self] "Exactly.
That's why I make fun of him."
485
00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:47,401
That is the mark of a true friendship,
is being able to say
486
00:24:47,402 --> 00:24:50,529
real evil things about each other.
487
00:24:50,530 --> 00:24:53,115
[audience cheers]
488
00:24:53,116 --> 00:24:55,785
Because you know you don't really mean it.
489
00:24:56,745 --> 00:25:00,039
Plus, you don't think
that if I would've fallen off the stage
490
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:03,210
instead of Martin
that he wouldn't've had a joke?
491
00:25:03,877 --> 00:25:05,836
You better believe
he would have had a joke.
492
00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:08,964
He would have told people,
"I saw Fluffy bounce."
493
00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:11,051
[audience laughs]
494
00:25:11,968 --> 00:25:14,637
Not to mention the fact
that you know that'll make the news.
495
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:19,267
I fall off the stage tonight,
there'll be a van out in front in an hour.
496
00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:23,729
"We're standing here live in front
of the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino,
497
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:27,067
where authorities believe
Fluffy lost control."
498
00:25:28,735 --> 00:25:32,238
"Let's go to Tom, who's inside the venue
who can fill us in with more."
499
00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:37,076
"That's right, Jim, I'm standing here
at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino,
500
00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:41,122
inside the venue
where apparently Fluffy took a spill."
501
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:45,626
"It is still uncertain
as to what happened here tonight."
502
00:25:45,627 --> 00:25:49,922
"We did have a chance to interview
local authorities who had this to say."
503
00:25:49,923 --> 00:25:51,340
"Damn!"
504
00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:53,343
[audience laughs]
505
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:57,096
"It is still uncertain if there
was any problems with the stage."
506
00:25:57,097 --> 00:26:00,349
"We did speak to security
who had this to comment."
507
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:03,144
"I saw the whole damn thing. Okay?"
508
00:26:04,187 --> 00:26:08,525
"Whoo! Fluffy fell. He fell hard."
509
00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:12,444
"I ain't seen that many white people cry
since a Taylor Swift concert."
510
00:26:12,445 --> 00:26:17,366
"It was bad. It was bad.
And in Miami. Are you kidding me?"
511
00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:20,035
"He hurt more Cubans than Castro."
512
00:26:20,036 --> 00:26:21,955
[audience laughs]
513
00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:29,253
And that's how you get canceled.
514
00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:32,632
So, uh, that's the point
I'm trying to make here.
515
00:26:34,217 --> 00:26:37,094
I made the news recently.
516
00:26:37,095 --> 00:26:38,971
Uh, without giving too much away,
517
00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:41,765
there's an episode of Family Feud
coming out very soon
518
00:26:41,766 --> 00:26:43,226
that I'm gonna be on.
519
00:26:43,768 --> 00:26:44,768
Yeah.
520
00:26:44,769 --> 00:26:46,645
[audience applauds]
521
00:26:46,646 --> 00:26:51,358
It is the celebrity edition,
so it's Fluffy and Fluffy's family
522
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:53,986
versus Fat Joe...
523
00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:55,362
[audience gasps]
524
00:26:55,363 --> 00:26:56,572
...and his family.
525
00:26:56,573 --> 00:26:58,991
So yeah, it's Fat Joe versus Fluffy
526
00:26:58,992 --> 00:27:02,703
because apparently, the producers
have a great sense of humor.
527
00:27:02,704 --> 00:27:04,204
[audience laughs]
528
00:27:04,205 --> 00:27:07,041
Long story short, I flew in
some family from the East Coast
529
00:27:07,042 --> 00:27:08,208
to be on the show.
530
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:11,545
The show went over very well.
You'll find out who wins later.
531
00:27:11,546 --> 00:27:12,463
Here's the deal.
532
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:16,467
The next day, my sister,
who was one of the people I flew in,
533
00:27:16,468 --> 00:27:18,719
she hadn't been in California in forever,
534
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,180
and she was like,
"Can we go to Disneyland?"
535
00:27:21,181 --> 00:27:23,557
And I'm like, "Sure, let's go."
536
00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:26,769
So it was her and her husband Gordy,
and I took them to Disney.
537
00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:30,147
And we get on a couple of rides,
and just so we're clear,
538
00:27:30,148 --> 00:27:32,066
that's not what made the news.
539
00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:33,692
[audience chuckles]
540
00:27:33,693 --> 00:27:36,362
I said that last night,
someone was like, "'Cause he fit."
541
00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:37,613
No!
542
00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:38,947
[audience laughs]
543
00:27:38,948 --> 00:27:40,617
Some people. Right? Yeah.
544
00:27:43,411 --> 00:27:47,665
We get on the Cars ride
at California Adventure,
545
00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:50,459
and halfway through the Cars ride,
the car...
546
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:52,795
[imitates engine revving,
brakes screeching]
547
00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:54,755
...stops on the track.
548
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:56,131
And my sister looked at me.
549
00:27:56,132 --> 00:27:58,551
She goes, "Is this supposed to happen?"
550
00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:02,555
I go, "No, the check cleared.
We're supposed to finish. This is, uh..."
551
00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:05,767
"We paid. It's supposed to work.
No, this..."
552
00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:10,187
It took the Disney people
about 20 minutes to come get us
553
00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:11,772
and take us out of the car.
554
00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:16,111
So we're sitting there,
outside, in the sun for 20 minutes.
555
00:28:16,903 --> 00:28:21,282
I had no problem
with that because I am mocha.
556
00:28:23,118 --> 00:28:25,452
I'm okay in the sun for 20 minutes.
557
00:28:25,453 --> 00:28:28,330
My sister, she's twice as dark as me.
558
00:28:28,331 --> 00:28:31,835
She's, like, freaking, you know, Apache.
She's... You know.
559
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:33,419
Freaking Azteca.
560
00:28:33,420 --> 00:28:35,171
[chanting] Just, you know...
561
00:28:36,339 --> 00:28:39,717
Her husband, on the other hand,
he's from Minnesota.
562
00:28:39,718 --> 00:28:41,678
[audience laughs]
563
00:28:44,347 --> 00:28:45,556
He almost died.
564
00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:47,182
[audience laughs]
565
00:28:47,183 --> 00:28:51,770
"Oh, don' cha know?" Yeah, so...
while we're sitting there in the car,
566
00:28:51,771 --> 00:28:55,232
waiting for the Disney people
to come take us out of the car,
567
00:28:55,233 --> 00:29:00,112
the people waiting in line
realize that the ride has been shut down.
568
00:29:00,113 --> 00:29:04,283
And so from the ride,
you can see the line.
569
00:29:04,284 --> 00:29:06,536
People see the car on the track,
570
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:08,371
and then they see
571
00:29:08,955 --> 00:29:10,706
who's in the car.
572
00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:11,749
[audience chuckles]
573
00:29:11,750 --> 00:29:14,793
And all of a sudden,
cell phones start comin' out.
574
00:29:14,794 --> 00:29:17,004
And by the time we left Disney,
575
00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:21,341
TMZ had already reported the story,
and you can google this, okay?
576
00:29:21,342 --> 00:29:22,885
TMZ reported the story.
577
00:29:22,886 --> 00:29:24,094
Before we left the park,
578
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:28,390
it said, "Fluffy Stuck
on LA Freeway at Disney."
579
00:29:28,391 --> 00:29:31,351
[audience chuckles]
580
00:29:31,352 --> 00:29:32,603
I thought it was cute.
581
00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:33,896
I thought it was silly.
582
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:36,691
I thought it was funny.
I thought it was okay.
583
00:29:37,317 --> 00:29:39,193
Until I read the comments.
584
00:29:39,194 --> 00:29:40,861
[audience chuckles]
585
00:29:40,862 --> 00:29:43,490
Oh, some of you...
586
00:29:45,492 --> 00:29:46,825
are dicks.
587
00:29:46,826 --> 00:29:48,912
[audience laughs]
588
00:29:52,540 --> 00:29:55,334
One lady wrote, "Just 'cause
you're tall enough to ride
589
00:29:55,335 --> 00:29:57,629
doesn't mean you're small enough to fit."
590
00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:00,339
[audience laughs]
591
00:30:00,340 --> 00:30:03,258
A guy wrote, "The car got tired."
592
00:30:03,259 --> 00:30:04,968
[audience laughs]
593
00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:08,013
Another guy wrote,
"You're Mexican. Couldn't you fix it?"
594
00:30:08,014 --> 00:30:10,099
[audience laughs]
595
00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:14,019
And that was Martin, yeah. So...
596
00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:15,771
[audience laughs]
597
00:30:15,772 --> 00:30:17,524
[imitates rim shot] Anyway, so...
598
00:30:20,735 --> 00:30:24,571
The time before that, we made world news.
599
00:30:24,572 --> 00:30:26,615
Some of you might remember this story.
600
00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:31,370
The guys and I were involved
in an emergency landing situation.
601
00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:34,498
I had, uh, chartered a private jet
602
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:39,002
because my last Netflix special,
the money finally hit my account,
603
00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:43,842
and I, you know, freakin'...
I thought I was, y'know, ballin', right?
604
00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:46,928
Nope. Turns out we were fallin'!
605
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:55,727
Worst turbulence we have ever experienced
in 27 years of being comedians.
606
00:30:55,728 --> 00:30:58,438
Uh, worst turbulence I ever felt,
for sure.
607
00:30:58,439 --> 00:31:00,899
At one point, the jet did this.
608
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:02,734
- [whooshes]
- [audience chuckles]
609
00:31:02,735 --> 00:31:04,278
I did this.
610
00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:07,155
- [imitates thud]
- [audience chuckles]
611
00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:11,369
The scariest part was
watching my dogs leave the seat.
612
00:31:13,246 --> 00:31:15,831
Fortunately, we landed safely.
We were okay.
613
00:31:15,832 --> 00:31:18,000
That's not what made the news.
614
00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:21,504
What made the news is that,
when we came in for the landing,
615
00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:26,175
the jet touched down,
and then it skid off the runway
616
00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:30,638
by 200 yards, and we ended up in a field.
617
00:31:31,806 --> 00:31:32,974
A field.
618
00:31:34,434 --> 00:31:35,351
A field!
619
00:31:36,936 --> 00:31:38,270
Are you kidding me?
620
00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:41,732
As hard as I work...
621
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:43,985
[audience laughs]
622
00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:47,155
[audience applauds]
623
00:31:52,660 --> 00:31:54,536
...to break stereotypes.
624
00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:57,039
[audience laughs]
625
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,208
A bunch of Mexicans ended up in a field.
Yeah, that's what happened.
626
00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:01,960
[audience laughs]
627
00:32:01,961 --> 00:32:05,422
That's how TMZ reported it.
"Mexicans Found in Field."
628
00:32:05,423 --> 00:32:07,216
[audience chuckles]
629
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:11,512
In the movies,
the pilots are always the first to know
630
00:32:12,096 --> 00:32:13,347
when there's an issue.
631
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:18,477
And in the movies,
the pilots always have the courtesy
632
00:32:18,478 --> 00:32:20,896
of telling the passengers.
633
00:32:20,897 --> 00:32:23,941
They love to hear themselves talk.
They get on the mic,
634
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,776
"All right.
It's your captain speaking here."
635
00:32:25,777 --> 00:32:28,654
"I just want to let you know
we'll be experiencing rough air."
636
00:32:28,655 --> 00:32:33,033
"If you could just fasten your seatbelts,
we're gonna be A-okay. All right..."
637
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:33,952
[murmurs]
638
00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,578
You know? If it gets bumpy, you know,
639
00:32:36,579 --> 00:32:37,663
[whooshing]
640
00:32:37,664 --> 00:32:39,039
[as captain, mumbling]
641
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:40,582
"It's your captain speaking."
642
00:32:40,583 --> 00:32:43,001
"Somebody just had
a little Mexican food here,
643
00:32:43,002 --> 00:32:46,129
so we... we're feeling
a little bumpy up here."
644
00:32:46,130 --> 00:32:47,881
"We just had some fast food."
645
00:32:47,882 --> 00:32:50,467
"Just a reminder
to keep your seat belts fastened."
646
00:32:50,468 --> 00:32:53,303
"We might be getting a bit...
There we go. Just a bit there."
647
00:32:53,304 --> 00:32:56,056
[laughs] "All right, I'll be back with you
in just a few seconds..."
648
00:32:56,057 --> 00:32:57,558
[mumbles indistinctly]
649
00:32:58,059 --> 00:33:00,477
If the plane's going down,
"Brace for impact!"
650
00:33:00,478 --> 00:33:02,981
"Hold on tight! We're comin' in hot!"
651
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:04,774
Our pilot...
652
00:33:05,525 --> 00:33:06,441
nada.
653
00:33:06,442 --> 00:33:08,485
[audience laughs]
654
00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:12,489
Our pilot didn't say anything
until we came to, like, a complete stop.
655
00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:14,199
And then maybe like a minute later,
656
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:17,077
the cockpit door opened up,
and he stuck his head in,
657
00:33:17,078 --> 00:33:18,870
and he's like, "You good?"
658
00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:20,957
[audience laughs]
659
00:33:25,086 --> 00:33:26,337
I was like,
660
00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:30,675
"My chihuahua's in a cup holder.
I am not good."
661
00:33:33,970 --> 00:33:36,471
It was a scary situation, you guys,
662
00:33:36,472 --> 00:33:41,935
but let me tell you, even though
we were involved in an emergency landing
663
00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:43,812
and we thought we were gonna die,
664
00:33:43,813 --> 00:33:47,441
I'm grateful for the experience.
665
00:33:47,442 --> 00:33:48,734
Believe it or not.
666
00:33:48,735 --> 00:33:54,240
I'm grateful because it reminded me
how valuable life is
667
00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:57,452
and how quickly things can change.
668
00:33:58,161 --> 00:34:00,746
[audience applauds]
669
00:34:00,747 --> 00:34:03,165
Every now and then,
we need a little reminder.
670
00:34:03,166 --> 00:34:05,834
We need to get shaken up a little
to remind ourselves,
671
00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:07,294
"Oh my God. This is special."
672
00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:10,047
"This is important. Enjoy it. Have fun."
673
00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:15,385
The rest of the day after the landing,
there was nothing anybody could tell me
674
00:34:15,386 --> 00:34:19,723
to ruin how good I felt
to just be breathing and be alive.
675
00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:21,099
Nothing!
676
00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:23,186
[audience cheers and applauds]
677
00:34:27,106 --> 00:34:32,069
And so, that's why I, uh...
I'm grateful for bad moments.
678
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:35,655
And I think bad moments
are actually a good thing
679
00:34:35,656 --> 00:34:37,365
because we need balance in life.
680
00:34:37,366 --> 00:34:39,826
You need to have bad experiences
681
00:34:39,827 --> 00:34:43,955
in order to truly appreciate
good experiences.
682
00:34:43,956 --> 00:34:45,832
Not every day can be the same.
683
00:34:45,833 --> 00:34:47,042
[audience applauds]
684
00:34:47,043 --> 00:34:49,169
You need to have a way to ba--
685
00:34:49,170 --> 00:34:50,921
Now, don't get me wrong.
686
00:34:50,922 --> 00:34:53,841
Sometimes there's too many bad days
in a row. That shit sucks.
687
00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:56,635
And that's actually what happened to me.
688
00:34:56,636 --> 00:35:00,263
After the near-death experience,
I go home.
689
00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:04,601
I go home to find out
that someone broke into my house.
690
00:35:04,602 --> 00:35:05,769
[audience gasps]
691
00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:08,480
Yeah. Yeah, I'm like,
"Are you kidding me?"
692
00:35:08,481 --> 00:35:10,690
"That's why I survived? To see this shit?"
693
00:35:10,691 --> 00:35:11,900
[audience laughs]
694
00:35:11,901 --> 00:35:14,820
The only reason why
you haven't heard about it until now
695
00:35:14,821 --> 00:35:17,322
is because the detective
who's working the case
696
00:35:17,323 --> 00:35:20,118
told me I'm not allowed to talk about it.
697
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:23,787
In California.
698
00:35:23,788 --> 00:35:25,873
[audience laughs]
699
00:35:26,666 --> 00:35:30,586
Yeah, if the guys that broke into my house
are here tonight... [scoffs] ...bravo.
700
00:35:31,796 --> 00:35:34,173
[sarcastically] Bravo.
That's a flex and a half.
701
00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:38,760
No, they broke into my house,
and of course, the number one question is,
702
00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:40,804
"What did they take from your house?"
703
00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:43,849
And what they took from me,
honestly, it was my peace of mind.
704
00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:46,685
I didn't feel safe in that house after.
705
00:35:46,686 --> 00:35:48,520
Uh, but if you must know,
706
00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:51,148
I did everything to prevent a break-in.
707
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:54,484
I had, first of all, a good neighborhood.
708
00:35:54,485 --> 00:35:58,155
I had an alarm. I had two camera systems.
709
00:35:58,156 --> 00:36:00,240
I had a fence
that surrounded the property.
710
00:36:00,241 --> 00:36:01,617
I thought I was good.
711
00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:06,372
Um, I got video footage
of the entire robbery.
712
00:36:06,873 --> 00:36:08,708
[audience laughs]
713
00:36:10,459 --> 00:36:11,502
In 4K.
714
00:36:12,253 --> 00:36:14,004
[audience chuckles]
715
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:15,548
Oh, that shit is crisp.
716
00:36:16,799 --> 00:36:20,552
I saw the guys that broke in,
but I could not identify them
717
00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:22,554
because they were wearing masks.
718
00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:25,515
All I can tell you about the two guys
that broke into my house
719
00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:29,227
is that they were 20 years old.
720
00:36:29,228 --> 00:36:30,687
I know they were 20
721
00:36:30,688 --> 00:36:33,858
because when they jumped the fence
and hit the ground,
722
00:36:34,525 --> 00:36:35,734
no pain.
723
00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:37,861
[audience laughs]
724
00:36:37,862 --> 00:36:40,655
If that would've been
a 35-year-old with messed-up sciatica,
725
00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:42,783
he'd have thought twice about that fence.
726
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,703
So, they jumped the fence,
went in the backyard,
727
00:36:46,704 --> 00:36:49,706
and they broke the window
and got in through the kitchen.
728
00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:52,459
They trashed my house.
729
00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:55,045
Okay, every drawer, open.
Every cabinet, open.
730
00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:58,924
Everything got pulled out onto the floor
so they could sift. Uh...
731
00:36:58,925 --> 00:37:01,551
Couches were flipped over,
cushions were thrown down,
732
00:37:01,552 --> 00:37:05,556
and they pulled
every single frame off the wall.
733
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:10,060
And I asked the detective, I said,
"Hey, look. I understand the drawers,
734
00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:12,812
the cabinets, and even the couch thing."
735
00:37:12,813 --> 00:37:15,565
"But what's the story
with the frames on the wall?"
736
00:37:15,566 --> 00:37:19,152
"Why did they take everything
off the wall but didn't take any frames?"
737
00:37:19,153 --> 00:37:21,072
"Some of that stuff was art."
738
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:24,366
[as cop] "Mr. Iglesias,
you have to understand something
739
00:37:24,367 --> 00:37:27,077
about these people
that broke into your home."
740
00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:30,872
"They were not looking for photos or art."
741
00:37:30,873 --> 00:37:34,167
"They were actually looking for a safe."
742
00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:36,795
I said, "A safe?"
[as cop] "Yes, sir. A safe."
743
00:37:36,796 --> 00:37:40,215
"A lot of times, in these homes,
people will put a hole in the wall,
744
00:37:40,216 --> 00:37:44,052
install a safe,
and then they'll hang a frame
745
00:37:44,053 --> 00:37:47,973
over the safe to disguise
that their valuables are in there."
746
00:37:47,974 --> 00:37:49,224
I said, "A safe?"
747
00:37:49,225 --> 00:37:52,103
- [audience chuckles]
- [as cop] "Sir, yes, a safe."
748
00:37:52,853 --> 00:37:54,896
[as self] "But I just got this money."
749
00:37:54,897 --> 00:37:57,440
[audience laughs]
750
00:37:57,441 --> 00:37:59,693
"Did they check the mattress?"
751
00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:01,361
[audience laughs]
752
00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:03,572
[as cop] "Don't know."
[as self] "Let's find out!"
753
00:38:04,573 --> 00:38:08,368
So, we walk into the master bedroom.
I grab the edge of the bed, right?
754
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:10,578
And I picked it up, and I was like,
755
00:38:10,579 --> 00:38:12,414
"Ah, stupid!"
756
00:38:12,415 --> 00:38:14,500
[audience laughs]
757
00:38:20,756 --> 00:38:22,091
"It's all here."
758
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:25,510
Oh my God. These guys had no idea
759
00:38:25,511 --> 00:38:27,846
they were robbing somebody
more ghetto than them.
760
00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:29,307
[audience laughs]
761
00:38:31,726 --> 00:38:33,893
So, at the end of it, they only got
762
00:38:33,894 --> 00:38:36,646
a couple of little trinkets
from the drawers.
763
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:39,149
Um, and that's pretty much it.
764
00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:40,734
They made a mess of the house.
765
00:38:40,735 --> 00:38:42,861
They didn't get any of the money.
766
00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:45,238
I'll tell you what they did get.
767
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:46,781
They got my guns.
768
00:38:46,782 --> 00:38:48,867
[audience exclaims]
769
00:38:48,868 --> 00:38:50,536
Now...
770
00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:55,290
I have never been open about the fact
771
00:38:55,291 --> 00:39:01,004
that I am, in fact,
a registered gun owner.
772
00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,632
[audience cheers]
773
00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:09,637
Relax, Florida.
774
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:11,724
[audience laughs]
775
00:39:13,934 --> 00:39:16,936
I've never been open about it
because, quite frankly,
776
00:39:16,937 --> 00:39:18,939
it's nobody's business.
777
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:20,399
Okay?
778
00:39:21,192 --> 00:39:25,528
However, it does pertain to the story
that I'm about to share with you.
779
00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:29,366
Um, I am a recent gun owner.
780
00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:32,994
I became a gun owner in 2020, m'kay?
781
00:39:32,995 --> 00:39:35,288
Uh, yeah, when we were in the middle of...
782
00:39:35,289 --> 00:39:36,414
[loudly] ...it.
783
00:39:36,415 --> 00:39:37,832
[audience laughs]
784
00:39:37,833 --> 00:39:41,211
Every morning watching the news,
we didn't know what was gonna happen,
785
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:45,298
and it started to feel irresponsible,
786
00:39:45,299 --> 00:39:50,345
not preparing myself
for a worst-case situation.
787
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:52,472
Every morning watching the news,
788
00:39:52,473 --> 00:39:55,600
it felt like we were headed
towards the Purge.
789
00:39:55,601 --> 00:39:57,061
[audience chuckles]
790
00:39:57,728 --> 00:40:00,021
Some of you are laughing,
but think about this,
791
00:40:00,022 --> 00:40:02,690
the Purge would have taken less time.
792
00:40:02,691 --> 00:40:05,068
[audience chuckles]
793
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:06,444
Yeah, the Purge.
794
00:40:06,445 --> 00:40:10,574
That's how they should've woke us up,
at least for entertainment purposes.
795
00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:13,536
[imitates alarm sounding]
796
00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:21,334
[feminine voice] "I'd like to thank you
for your participation in the pandemic."
797
00:40:21,335 --> 00:40:25,214
"The local time is 7:45 a.m."
798
00:40:27,466 --> 00:40:29,050
[moans seductively]
799
00:40:29,051 --> 00:40:31,137
[audience laughs]
800
00:40:34,056 --> 00:40:37,725
Fear is why I decided to buy a gun.
801
00:40:37,726 --> 00:40:40,311
I was afraid,
and I got no problem saying that.
802
00:40:40,312 --> 00:40:41,271
I was scared.
803
00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:43,231
We didn't know what was gonna happen.
804
00:40:43,232 --> 00:40:45,775
Um, it's only for protection.
805
00:40:45,776 --> 00:40:48,028
I don't hunt.
806
00:40:48,529 --> 00:40:52,282
I don't want to hunt. I don't need to.
I know where there's three Chick-fil-As.
807
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:53,867
[audience laughs]
808
00:40:53,868 --> 00:40:54,827
I'm good.
809
00:40:55,661 --> 00:40:57,328
I don't go out on the weekends, you know?
810
00:40:57,329 --> 00:40:59,456
Pull! [imitates rifle firing]
811
00:40:59,457 --> 00:41:00,665
There's no...
812
00:41:00,666 --> 00:41:02,167
[quacking]
813
00:41:02,168 --> 00:41:04,628
I still own a Nintendo.
I don't need that shit.
814
00:41:06,505 --> 00:41:10,258
Fear is the only reason
why I decided to buy a gun.
815
00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:12,760
So, I wound up
at this sporting goods store
816
00:41:12,761 --> 00:41:14,012
right by my house.
817
00:41:14,013 --> 00:41:18,349
I walk in there, and this place
is packed full of people
818
00:41:18,350 --> 00:41:23,480
that normally would not have been open
to the idea of owning a gun,
819
00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:24,689
but they felt like me.
820
00:41:24,690 --> 00:41:26,691
They were scared, and rightfully so.
821
00:41:26,692 --> 00:41:30,278
I kept hearing the same conversation
over and over and over.
822
00:41:30,279 --> 00:41:31,946
I kept hearing this...
823
00:41:31,947 --> 00:41:36,367
"I would rather have a gun and not need it
824
00:41:36,368 --> 00:41:40,955
than need it and not have it."
825
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:43,416
[audience cheers]
826
00:41:43,417 --> 00:41:45,752
[audience applauds]
827
00:41:45,753 --> 00:41:51,758
And I don't care where you're from,
that makes a lot of sense.
828
00:41:51,759 --> 00:41:58,014
And I was not about to let politics
interfere with my personal safety.
829
00:41:58,015 --> 00:41:59,557
So, next thing you know...
830
00:41:59,558 --> 00:42:01,935
[audience cheers]
831
00:42:01,936 --> 00:42:05,480
So, next thing you know, I got in line.
I had to get a ticket with a number
832
00:42:05,481 --> 00:42:07,815
like when you're at the DMV
or meat market.
833
00:42:07,816 --> 00:42:09,068
[in Spanish] The butcher shop.
834
00:42:10,110 --> 00:42:12,821
The bodega. "Number five!"
835
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:15,823
[in English] I got in line.
836
00:42:15,824 --> 00:42:19,119
Forty-five minutes, I waited in line.
837
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:22,997
And as soon as I get to the front,
this guy comes to the counter,
838
00:42:22,998 --> 00:42:25,834
and he's like... [in Southern accent]
"How can I help you, son?"
839
00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:28,253
[as self] "Well, um..."
840
00:42:28,254 --> 00:42:32,215
By the way, I heard some of you chuckle,
and just so we're clear,
841
00:42:32,216 --> 00:42:37,137
I'm not saying that... all people
842
00:42:38,722 --> 00:42:40,723
[sighs] ...who sell guns...
843
00:42:40,724 --> 00:42:42,810
[audience laughs]
844
00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:46,145
...talk like that.
845
00:42:46,146 --> 00:42:47,856
[audience laughs]
846
00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:50,358
But his name was Jim.
847
00:42:50,359 --> 00:42:52,944
[audience laughs]
848
00:42:52,945 --> 00:42:55,698
So, Jim was like,
"How can I help you, son?"
849
00:42:56,323 --> 00:42:59,742
"Well, I'm here to see about purchasing
my first firearm."
850
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:02,203
"Well, you've come to the right place.
Know what you want?"
851
00:43:02,204 --> 00:43:03,371
"Or you need a hand?"
852
00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:06,082
[as self] "I've had some time
to look at your selection,
853
00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:08,543
and I think I found something
that's gonna work for me."
854
00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:10,420
[as Jim] "All right.
Show me what you got."
855
00:43:10,421 --> 00:43:13,631
"Okay, right over here in the case."
"This one?" "Yeah, right here."
856
00:43:13,632 --> 00:43:15,717
"This one.
The one right here, in the front."
857
00:43:15,718 --> 00:43:17,594
"This one?" "No. Not that one. This one."
858
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:21,306
"This one?" "No. This one. Not that one."
"This one?" "No. The one in front."
859
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:24,934
"With the tag. The tag. Right here.
The one that says two-two."
860
00:43:24,935 --> 00:43:27,021
[audience laughs]
861
00:43:32,985 --> 00:43:36,113
[as Jim] "Um, sir,
did you just call that gun...
862
00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:40,241
a 'tutu'?"
863
00:43:40,242 --> 00:43:41,827
[audience laughs]
864
00:43:44,872 --> 00:43:46,874
[as self] "Yeah. What?"
865
00:43:47,374 --> 00:43:49,584
"Ji... Jim, right? Jim? Jim."
866
00:43:49,585 --> 00:43:52,170
"Don't look at me like I'm crazy, dude.
I'm just reading the tag."
867
00:43:52,171 --> 00:43:55,341
"It says it right here.
In the front. It says two-two."
868
00:43:57,051 --> 00:43:58,969
[as Jim] "You mean a .22?"
869
00:44:00,721 --> 00:44:04,558
[as self] "Well, yeah.
I guess. Two-two, .22, same thing."
870
00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:07,935
[as Jim] "Son, I hate to break it to you,
but there's a big difference
871
00:44:07,936 --> 00:44:11,523
between a tutu and a .22."
872
00:44:12,149 --> 00:44:15,485
"But hey, this is California,
so whatever floats your boat, son."
873
00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:16,402
"All right?"
874
00:44:16,403 --> 00:44:18,237
[audience laughs]
875
00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:23,910
"Now, is there any particular reason
why you have selected a, uh... a 'tutu'?"
876
00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:26,245
[audience laughs]
877
00:44:26,246 --> 00:44:30,333
[as self] "Well, um, as impressive
as your selection of guns here is,
878
00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:32,752
I recognize a lot of them from movies."
879
00:44:32,753 --> 00:44:34,170
"It's a bit much for me."
880
00:44:34,171 --> 00:44:35,463
"Um, I'm very simple."
881
00:44:35,464 --> 00:44:37,965
"Um, this gun looks very manageable."
882
00:44:37,966 --> 00:44:40,843
"It's small and, you know, it looks easy."
883
00:44:40,844 --> 00:44:42,429
"Plus, it's on sale."
884
00:44:43,430 --> 00:44:46,392
"You know what I mean?
Come on, man. A gun's a gun, right?"
885
00:44:47,309 --> 00:44:50,437
[audience laughs]
886
00:44:52,106 --> 00:44:53,273
[as Jim] "Not exactly."
887
00:44:54,316 --> 00:44:56,526
[as self] "Is this not a good choice?"
888
00:44:56,527 --> 00:45:00,530
[as Jim] "Son, you want my opinion,
or you want to buy and be done with it?"
889
00:45:00,531 --> 00:45:02,907
[as self] "No, please tell me
if I'm making a mistake."
890
00:45:02,908 --> 00:45:08,413
"Is... is a... a .22 a good gun or a bad gun?"
891
00:45:08,414 --> 00:45:11,791
[as Jim] "Son, in my personal opinion,
you're better off tickling him,
892
00:45:11,792 --> 00:45:13,418
as far as I'm concerned."
893
00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:14,752
[audience laughs]
894
00:45:14,753 --> 00:45:17,798
"All you're gonna do is aggravate
the situation."
895
00:45:19,591 --> 00:45:22,720
"You're just gonna piss him off
is what I'm trying to tell you."
896
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:26,139
[as self] "Well,
listen to my thought process."
897
00:45:26,140 --> 00:45:29,100
"My whole idea for the gun is,
I'm gonna use the gun
898
00:45:29,101 --> 00:45:31,060
more so like as a deterrent."
899
00:45:31,061 --> 00:45:35,565
"So if somebody breaks into the house,
they're gonna see this big bald Mexican
900
00:45:35,566 --> 00:45:38,276
holding a gun,
and then they're gonna think twice
901
00:45:38,277 --> 00:45:40,487
and then rob my neighbors instead."
902
00:45:41,739 --> 00:45:44,907
[as Jim] "Son, if somebody breaks
into your house and they have a gun,
903
00:45:44,908 --> 00:45:46,868
they're gonna know you're holding a .22."
904
00:45:46,869 --> 00:45:50,663
"And I'll tell you what's gon' happen.
They're gon' take it from ya."
905
00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:52,165
[audience laughs]
906
00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:55,085
"And they're gonna beat
the holy hell outta you with it. Right?"
907
00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:58,087
"And the beating
you're gon' get from a .22
908
00:45:58,088 --> 00:46:01,507
is gonna hurt a hell of a lot more
than the bullets out of a .22."
909
00:46:01,508 --> 00:46:02,967
"That's for damn sure."
910
00:46:02,968 --> 00:46:05,053
[audience applauds]
911
00:46:06,221 --> 00:46:11,726
"Now, listen, I don't know you,
but I think I know your situation."
912
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:13,269
"And correct me if I'm wrong."
913
00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:16,147
"You want to protect your home?"
[as self] "Yes."
914
00:46:16,148 --> 00:46:17,565
[as Jim] "Your family?"
915
00:46:17,566 --> 00:46:20,234
[as self] "Yes."
[as Jim] "Your valuables?"
916
00:46:20,235 --> 00:46:22,321
[as self] "Yes."
[as Jim] "All right, follow me."
917
00:46:22,821 --> 00:46:24,655
"I think I got just what you need
right here."
918
00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:25,782
"M'kay?"
919
00:46:25,783 --> 00:46:30,578
"You see this right here?
This here's a 9 millimeter to start."
920
00:46:30,579 --> 00:46:32,289
- [crowd cheers]
- "Okay?"
921
00:46:32,998 --> 00:46:35,958
"A 9 millimeter is a solid firearm."
922
00:46:35,959 --> 00:46:39,796
"Two to the chest,
that man is going down, ten out of ten."
923
00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:41,964
[audience laughs]
924
00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:46,720
"However, I got this special
military-grade ammunition over here."
925
00:46:48,138 --> 00:46:49,848
"I got this here bullet."
926
00:46:50,432 --> 00:46:51,850
"It's called a spreader."
927
00:46:52,893 --> 00:46:55,269
"Yeah, it's what I used to call my ex."
928
00:46:55,270 --> 00:46:57,188
[audience laughs]
929
00:46:57,189 --> 00:46:59,482
"She was a real pistol too,
let me tell you."
930
00:46:59,483 --> 00:47:02,443
"That's why I had to move to California.
She'll never find me here."
931
00:47:02,444 --> 00:47:05,822
"So, this bullet,
when it comes out the chamber,
932
00:47:05,823 --> 00:47:06,949
it opens up."
933
00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:13,497
"And when it hits,
it'll leave a hole about yay big."
934
00:47:14,289 --> 00:47:17,583
And stupid me, I said this, I said,
935
00:47:17,584 --> 00:47:19,001
"People survive that?"
936
00:47:19,002 --> 00:47:21,963
[audience laughs]
937
00:47:21,964 --> 00:47:23,257
[as Jim] "Survive?"
938
00:47:24,299 --> 00:47:25,634
"Survive?"
939
00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:28,302
"Son, you don't want 'em to survive."
940
00:47:28,303 --> 00:47:31,722
"You want 'em dead as fried chicken,
as far as I'm concerned."
941
00:47:31,723 --> 00:47:34,600
[audience applauds]
942
00:47:34,601 --> 00:47:37,437
I said, "I don't want anybody to die."
943
00:47:38,313 --> 00:47:40,524
[as Jim] "You don't want anybody to die?!"
944
00:47:41,024 --> 00:47:42,483
"You guys hear that?"
945
00:47:42,484 --> 00:47:45,903
"You hear that?
He don't want anybody to die!"
946
00:47:45,904 --> 00:47:48,948
"Yeah! Oh yeah,
you know who he voted for."
947
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:51,034
[audience laughs]
948
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:58,750
[as Jim] "Look here, Tutu,
you're stressin' me the hell out, man."
949
00:47:59,501 --> 00:48:03,046
"I wanna help you, but you gotta want
to help yourself, so listen."
950
00:48:04,339 --> 00:48:07,342
"I'mma do everything in my power
to get through this. Um..."
951
00:48:09,678 --> 00:48:11,930
"I'mma paint a picture for you, m'kay?"
952
00:48:12,431 --> 00:48:13,849
"You're home."
953
00:48:14,349 --> 00:48:16,602
"Someone breaks into your home."
954
00:48:17,644 --> 00:48:18,645
"They have a gun."
955
00:48:19,229 --> 00:48:20,230
"You have a gun."
956
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:25,109
"You have already told this person
to leave or you will shoot,
957
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:26,861
and they're not leavin'."
958
00:48:26,862 --> 00:48:29,030
"Matter of fact,
they're doing the opposite."
959
00:48:29,031 --> 00:48:32,283
"They're getting closer
and closer and closer and closer."
960
00:48:32,284 --> 00:48:35,161
"Now they're so close,
you can see the whites of their eyes."
961
00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:38,039
"This individual is standing directly
in front of you."
962
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,625
"You can see each other."
963
00:48:40,125 --> 00:48:43,961
"This individual is prepared to do
whatever it takes
964
00:48:43,962 --> 00:48:49,216
to leave with whatever they want,
including taking your life."
965
00:48:49,217 --> 00:48:53,095
"My question to you is,
are you prepared to do the same?"
966
00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:56,474
"Are you willing to protect your family,
your home, your valuables,
967
00:48:56,475 --> 00:48:59,769
and most importantly,
yourself, in this situation?"
968
00:48:59,770 --> 00:49:01,437
"What are you gonna do?"
969
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:03,523
[audience cheers]
970
00:49:05,651 --> 00:49:07,151
[as self] "First of all, bro."
971
00:49:07,152 --> 00:49:09,403
[audience chuckles]
972
00:49:09,404 --> 00:49:11,948
"You should sell,
like, life insurance, man, 'cause..."
973
00:49:11,949 --> 00:49:12,990
[audience laughs]
974
00:49:12,991 --> 00:49:15,994
"You're missing your calling.
I felt that. I felt it."
975
00:49:16,745 --> 00:49:17,871
Um...
976
00:49:19,081 --> 00:49:23,709
"If I'm cornered like that,
and I have absolutely no choice,
977
00:49:23,710 --> 00:49:25,753
and my life is in danger,
978
00:49:25,754 --> 00:49:29,715
I promise you, Jim, I will step up, man,
and I will shoot them right in the leg."
979
00:49:29,716 --> 00:49:30,633
"I will."
980
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:31,802
[audience laughs]
981
00:49:36,223 --> 00:49:40,769
[as Jim] "You think you're gonna hit
the leg, Mr. First-Time Gun Owner?"
982
00:49:41,603 --> 00:49:44,105
[as self] "Hey, if I buy that bullet
you're trying to sell me,
983
00:49:44,106 --> 00:49:47,317
that covers that much,
up close, I can hit a leg."
984
00:49:48,694 --> 00:49:51,738
"Two steps closer, I'll shoot him
in the huevos. I will, dude."
985
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:55,241
"I'll hit a pelota.
I will. No more babies, man."
986
00:49:55,242 --> 00:49:58,954
[as Jim] "All right. All right.
You don't gotta get graphic on me, now."
987
00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:02,915
"Son, you know what's gonna happen
if you shoot someone in your home,
988
00:50:02,916 --> 00:50:06,168
in the leg, and they live?"
989
00:50:06,169 --> 00:50:07,545
[as self] "Yeah. I know."
990
00:50:07,546 --> 00:50:11,090
"I'm gonna sleep better,
knowing I didn't take a life
991
00:50:11,091 --> 00:50:14,719
and I was able to protect my home,
my family, and my stuff."
992
00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:16,388
"That's what's gonna happen."
993
00:50:17,681 --> 00:50:18,724
[as Jim] Ah.
994
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:22,268
"Clearly, you're a Disney fan."
995
00:50:22,269 --> 00:50:24,354
[audience laughs]
996
00:50:25,147 --> 00:50:28,817
[as Jim] "That's about the biggest fantasy
I've ever heard, right there."
997
00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:32,236
"Son, I would ask you
if you knew, but clearly, you don't,
998
00:50:32,237 --> 00:50:35,031
so I'm not gonna waste my time
spinnin' my wheels on this one."
999
00:50:35,032 --> 00:50:37,450
"I'm just gonna call it like it is."
1000
00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:42,663
"If you shoot someone
in your home and they live,
1001
00:50:42,664 --> 00:50:47,919
they can come back and sue your ass."
1002
00:50:48,670 --> 00:50:50,839
"That's right. Now, here's the kicker."
1003
00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:52,841
"They're gonna win."
1004
00:50:53,633 --> 00:50:55,594
"That's right. They're gonna win."
1005
00:50:56,344 --> 00:50:59,221
"And not only are they gonna get
everything they wanted to get
1006
00:50:59,222 --> 00:51:03,309
when they first broke in,
when it's all said and done,
1007
00:51:03,310 --> 00:51:08,439
you are gonna cut them a big fat check."
1008
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:11,068
"Now, what do you got to say about that?"
1009
00:51:11,651 --> 00:51:13,611
I said, "That motherfucker's gonna die!"
1010
00:51:13,612 --> 00:51:14,779
[audience laughs]
1011
00:51:14,780 --> 00:51:16,865
[audience cheering and clapping]
1012
00:51:24,039 --> 00:51:24,997
He got excited.
1013
00:51:24,998 --> 00:51:26,666
[as Jim] "Now, we're talkin'!"
1014
00:51:28,293 --> 00:51:30,044
I found out something that day.
1015
00:51:30,045 --> 00:51:35,300
I found out that people that sell guns
are a lot like people that sell used cars.
1016
00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:40,096
They play on your emotions,
and then they start to upsell you
1017
00:51:40,097 --> 00:51:43,266
and make you buy things
you don't want or need.
1018
00:51:43,850 --> 00:51:47,561
He knew I was scared
because he kept saying it to me.
1019
00:51:47,562 --> 00:51:49,021
[as Jim] "I know you're scared."
1020
00:51:49,022 --> 00:51:52,441
"You're scared, and your fears.
You're worried. You're scared."
1021
00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:55,778
Every time he'd say "scared,"
something else appeared on the counter.
1022
00:51:55,779 --> 00:51:57,655
[audience laughs]
1023
00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:03,369
He sold me so well
that when he was done "selling me,"
1024
00:52:03,370 --> 00:52:06,038
I wound up with four rifles...
1025
00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:07,456
[audience laughs]
1026
00:52:07,457 --> 00:52:10,043
...and four handguns
1027
00:52:10,836 --> 00:52:15,381
and a case... a case of spreader ammunition.
1028
00:52:15,382 --> 00:52:17,383
[audience chuckles]
1029
00:52:17,384 --> 00:52:19,761
I hear some of you clapping, and why?
1030
00:52:20,929 --> 00:52:22,596
It's excessive.
1031
00:52:22,597 --> 00:52:24,348
I only have two hands.
1032
00:52:24,349 --> 00:52:25,809
[audience laughs]
1033
00:52:26,434 --> 00:52:31,647
See, I feel, again,
even though my home was burglarized,
1034
00:52:31,648 --> 00:52:37,319
I feel grateful because I wasn't there
and I had my dogs with me.
1035
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:40,781
I can't replace my dogs.
I can't replace me.
1036
00:52:40,782 --> 00:52:42,449
[audience cheering]
1037
00:52:42,450 --> 00:52:43,702
Stuff is stuff.
1038
00:52:45,620 --> 00:52:50,583
However, if I would have been home,
I would have done whatever I needed to do.
1039
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:53,961
That's the difference. In this situation,
there's two kinds of people.
1040
00:52:53,962 --> 00:52:58,382
One, people like me, had the guns,
had the ammo, glad they weren't there,
1041
00:52:58,383 --> 00:53:01,886
but if they were there,
they would've done something about it.
1042
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,554
'Cause if I was in bed and I heard the...
1043
00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:04,805
[imitates crashing]
1044
00:53:04,806 --> 00:53:07,141
...I would've jumped up. [grunting]
1045
00:53:07,142 --> 00:53:09,560
I would've grabbed my gun.
[imitates gun cocking]
1046
00:53:09,561 --> 00:53:13,355
I would've ran out into the living room
with no shirt on and one sock off.
1047
00:53:13,356 --> 00:53:14,732
[audience laughs]
1048
00:53:14,733 --> 00:53:16,650
I'd have confronted the person.
1049
00:53:16,651 --> 00:53:17,986
"Freeze!"
1050
00:53:19,112 --> 00:53:20,280
Knowing my luck...
1051
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:24,534
[audience chuckles]
1052
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:26,786
[as burglar] "Fluffy?"
1053
00:53:28,455 --> 00:53:29,998
[as self] "I said, freeze!"
1054
00:53:31,166 --> 00:53:34,085
[as burglar] "Oh, you're funny.
You're funny, bro."
1055
00:53:34,961 --> 00:53:37,713
"You're funny."
[as self] "Get on the ground!"
1056
00:53:37,714 --> 00:53:39,591
[as burglar] "Oh!"
1057
00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:42,509
[as self] "Don't make me shoot you."
1058
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:44,261
[as burglar] "Ah, hey!"
1059
00:53:44,262 --> 00:53:45,513
[exclaims]
1060
00:53:46,598 --> 00:53:51,061
"Hey, Beto, get in here! Get in here!
You'll never guess whose house this is!"
1061
00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:53,312
The other guy runs in.
1062
00:53:53,313 --> 00:53:56,441
[as Beto] "Oh, hey.
Oh, hey. Oh, hey. Oh, hey."
1063
00:53:57,776 --> 00:53:59,276
"I grew up watching you."
1064
00:53:59,277 --> 00:54:01,363
[audience laughs and cheers]
1065
00:54:06,618 --> 00:54:10,455
Next thing you know, I'm autographing
things they're about to take.
1066
00:54:11,331 --> 00:54:13,333
[audience chuckles]
1067
00:54:17,629 --> 00:54:19,631
[mouthing inaudibly]
1068
00:54:26,972 --> 00:54:28,431
[audience laughs]
1069
00:54:29,683 --> 00:54:31,184
[continues mouthing]
1070
00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:36,940
[audience laughs]
1071
00:54:41,152 --> 00:54:44,738
So like I said, in this situation,
I feel like there's two kinds of people.
1072
00:54:44,739 --> 00:54:48,492
One, people like me.
Had the guns, had the ammunition.
1073
00:54:48,493 --> 00:54:50,995
Glad they weren't home,
but if they would have been home,
1074
00:54:50,996 --> 00:54:54,164
they would have done something about it.
That's one type of people.
1075
00:54:54,165 --> 00:55:00,130
The other kind of people are
the kind of people who cannot wait
1076
00:55:00,922 --> 00:55:03,717
for the opportunity
1077
00:55:04,426 --> 00:55:05,718
to...
1078
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:07,470
- [scattered cheering]
- Oh.
1079
00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:11,390
Good. You're here.
1080
00:55:11,391 --> 00:55:13,475
[audience laughs]
1081
00:55:13,476 --> 00:55:17,104
The kind of people who cannot wait
for the opportunity
1082
00:55:17,105 --> 00:55:19,106
to confront an intruder
1083
00:55:19,107 --> 00:55:24,445
because you know you have way more guns
and ammunition than they do,
1084
00:55:24,446 --> 00:55:27,740
and you are prepared for war.
1085
00:55:27,741 --> 00:55:30,160
[audience cheers]
1086
00:55:32,537 --> 00:55:36,833
The kind of people who sit home at night
in the living room, in the dark,
1087
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,335
holding their gun.
1088
00:55:39,252 --> 00:55:41,254
[audience laughs]
1089
00:55:43,506 --> 00:55:44,716
[imitates rifle cocking]
1090
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:48,552
They leave the front door unlocked
to make it easier.
1091
00:55:48,553 --> 00:55:50,929
[audience laughs]
1092
00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:54,934
And people like that always have a friend
either across the street or across town.
1093
00:55:56,019 --> 00:55:58,187
"How is everything
over there on your side?"
1094
00:55:58,188 --> 00:56:01,065
[imitating radio static]
"It's all clear over here. How about you?"
1095
00:56:01,066 --> 00:56:04,027
"Yeah. Coast is clear.
Ten-four. Out." There.
1096
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:11,409
This situation,
1097
00:56:12,410 --> 00:56:15,120
the break-in, left me traumatized.
1098
00:56:15,121 --> 00:56:18,499
I couldn't go back to living in the house
because I didn't feel safe.
1099
00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:20,752
It's just me and two chihuahuas.
1100
00:56:21,711 --> 00:56:22,669
Yeah, that's it.
1101
00:56:22,670 --> 00:56:26,006
I'm no longer with my son's mom,
and my son lives with his mom.
1102
00:56:26,007 --> 00:56:27,216
So, you know...
1103
00:56:27,217 --> 00:56:30,636
And by the way, I told my son Frankie
what happened, about the break-in,
1104
00:56:30,637 --> 00:56:32,304
and right away, right away,
1105
00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:35,599
"Oh, really?
They're lucky I wasn't there."
1106
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:37,726
[audience chuckles]
1107
00:56:37,727 --> 00:56:40,187
I'm like, "Cálmate, John Wick."
1108
00:56:40,188 --> 00:56:42,439
[audience laughs]
1109
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:43,899
"They would've kidnapped you."
1110
00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:46,069
"I would've had to pay double
to get you back."
1111
00:56:49,114 --> 00:56:52,241
I could not go back
to living at the house.
1112
00:56:52,242 --> 00:56:53,243
Again, it's just me.
1113
00:56:53,827 --> 00:56:56,704
So, I put the house up for sale.
1114
00:56:57,539 --> 00:56:58,956
Uh, yeah, I just couldn't.
1115
00:56:58,957 --> 00:57:04,128
And it was a big beautiful home
that you guys helped pay for. Thank you.
1116
00:57:04,129 --> 00:57:05,546
[audience chuckles]
1117
00:57:05,547 --> 00:57:06,714
It was nice.
1118
00:57:07,215 --> 00:57:08,340
Real nice.
1119
00:57:08,341 --> 00:57:10,927
Freaking four bathrooms.
1120
00:57:11,678 --> 00:57:14,179
Four bathrooms. Yeah.
1121
00:57:14,180 --> 00:57:15,764
One penis.
1122
00:57:15,765 --> 00:57:17,724
[audience laughs]
1123
00:57:17,725 --> 00:57:20,228
Even if I ran, I couldn't, you know...
1124
00:57:22,021 --> 00:57:26,359
I put the house up for sale,
and here's the dilemma that I faced.
1125
00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:30,446
I put it up for sale
before I had a new place to live
1126
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:33,866
because I figured I'm on the road,
I'm always in a tour bus, a plane,
1127
00:57:33,867 --> 00:57:35,951
a hotel, always somewhere. I'm on the go.
1128
00:57:35,952 --> 00:57:39,580
I was just trying to get ahead of it
because when I first bought the house,
1129
00:57:39,581 --> 00:57:43,167
it was sitting on the market
for almost two years.
1130
00:57:43,168 --> 00:57:45,377
So I thought I had time.
1131
00:57:45,378 --> 00:57:49,298
What happened was it sold like that
1132
00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:52,342
because I had two people bidding
on the house at the same time
1133
00:57:52,343 --> 00:57:54,595
and they kept driving up the price.
1134
00:57:54,596 --> 00:57:57,389
And one of the people
trying to buy the house,
1135
00:57:57,390 --> 00:57:59,433
he wanted all of my furniture
1136
00:57:59,434 --> 00:58:02,603
and so my agent for the house goes,
"Gabriel, this is crazy."
1137
00:58:02,604 --> 00:58:04,605
"These two guys are bidding on your house,
1138
00:58:04,606 --> 00:58:08,567
and they want to give you
way more than what you're asking."
1139
00:58:08,568 --> 00:58:11,904
"One of them wants to give you
an extra $100,000
1140
00:58:11,905 --> 00:58:13,614
for all of your furniture."
1141
00:58:13,615 --> 00:58:15,617
"I suggest you take it."
1142
00:58:16,159 --> 00:58:22,039
And so, I did. I sold the house
with everything, except the mattress.
1143
00:58:22,040 --> 00:58:22,999
Everything.
1144
00:58:27,587 --> 00:58:28,922
The problem is
1145
00:58:30,632 --> 00:58:32,383
I don't have a house right now.
1146
00:58:34,052 --> 00:58:37,930
I don't have anywhere to live,
so technically, I'm, um...
1147
00:58:37,931 --> 00:58:40,016
[audience laughs]
1148
00:58:49,567 --> 00:58:51,527
Fuck it. I'm homeless. I don't care.
1149
00:58:51,528 --> 00:58:52,694
[audience cheers]
1150
00:58:52,695 --> 00:58:53,613
I'll say it.
1151
00:58:54,614 --> 00:58:55,657
I'll say it.
1152
00:58:56,950 --> 00:58:59,660
I'm not gonna be "unhoused."
I'm homeless right now.
1153
00:58:59,661 --> 00:59:00,702
They can't cancel me.
1154
00:59:00,703 --> 00:59:03,622
What are they gonna do?
Take my house? I don't have one. Ha!
1155
00:59:03,623 --> 00:59:04,666
[audience laughs]
1156
00:59:06,209 --> 00:59:08,586
So whatever. Mm.
1157
00:59:09,587 --> 00:59:13,298
But no, at this point,
at... at 47 years of age,
1158
00:59:13,299 --> 00:59:16,469
I don't need more stuff.
1159
00:59:16,970 --> 00:59:20,305
I'm happy that I do have stuff,
but I don't need it.
1160
00:59:20,306 --> 00:59:24,560
What I want more than anything else now
is better relationships.
1161
00:59:24,561 --> 00:59:28,855
Better friendships,
better people in my life,
1162
00:59:28,856 --> 00:59:31,526
that's what I want
more than anything else.
1163
00:59:33,653 --> 00:59:36,738
I announced in my last special
at Dodger Stadium
1164
00:59:36,739 --> 00:59:39,866
that I was no longer in a relationship.
1165
00:59:39,867 --> 00:59:43,036
And I thought that was the best place
to announce that
1166
00:59:43,037 --> 00:59:47,040
because I've been very open about my life,
my whole show is my life.
1167
00:59:47,041 --> 00:59:48,458
People kept asking about her.
1168
00:59:48,459 --> 00:59:50,962
So I thought that was the best place
to announce that.
1169
00:59:51,713 --> 00:59:53,256
You know what happens
1170
00:59:53,923 --> 00:59:58,552
when you tell 50,000 people
at a stadium that you're single
1171
00:59:58,553 --> 01:00:02,432
and then Netflix airs that
around the world?
1172
01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:09,480
I received thousands of "applications"
1173
01:00:10,356 --> 01:00:12,774
for the Fluffy fulfillment center.
1174
01:00:12,775 --> 01:00:13,900
Yes, I did.
1175
01:00:13,901 --> 01:00:16,236
[chime dings]
1176
01:00:16,237 --> 01:00:19,531
[Gabriel] That's right, Netflix.
Fluffy is hoein' out.
1177
01:00:19,532 --> 01:00:20,949
[audience chuckles]
1178
01:00:20,950 --> 01:00:24,286
It was incredible.
It was exciting. It was overwhelming,
1179
01:00:24,287 --> 01:00:29,207
And it was terrifying
because I didn't know what they wanted.
1180
01:00:29,208 --> 01:00:33,629
Um, well, I'm gonna tell you
that since announcing that I was single,
1181
01:00:33,630 --> 01:00:36,757
I've gone out on a few dates.
1182
01:00:36,758 --> 01:00:39,636
And, uh, yeah.
1183
01:00:40,762 --> 01:00:44,098
I don't want to say how many,
'cause I don't want your judgment.
1184
01:00:45,350 --> 01:00:47,769
[chuckles] "Fluffy's a whore."
1185
01:00:48,686 --> 01:00:50,647
[in English and Spanish] "He's nasty."
1186
01:00:51,230 --> 01:00:55,276
[in English] "He's like Santa
with all his ho ho hos, yeah."
1187
01:00:57,612 --> 01:00:59,237
I still want to go out.
1188
01:00:59,238 --> 01:01:01,948
I still want to have fun,
I want to make connections,
1189
01:01:01,949 --> 01:01:06,370
but unfortunately,
I don't trust people. I'm afraid.
1190
01:01:06,371 --> 01:01:11,583
I can meet people really easy,
but then I find out what they're up to,
1191
01:01:11,584 --> 01:01:13,377
and that sucks.
1192
01:01:13,378 --> 01:01:16,129
Um, my heart is guarded now.
1193
01:01:16,130 --> 01:01:17,089
Super guarded.
1194
01:01:17,090 --> 01:01:21,134
There's a wall and then a wall
and then a wall and a wall and a wall.
1195
01:01:21,135 --> 01:01:23,887
I'm like the only Mexican who likes walls.
1196
01:01:23,888 --> 01:01:25,390
[audience laughs]
1197
01:01:28,976 --> 01:01:31,562
So moving forward, I can tell you
1198
01:01:32,188 --> 01:01:35,524
I don't want to be
in another relationship.
1199
01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:37,234
I'm actually doing okay.
1200
01:01:37,235 --> 01:01:41,905
I still want to go out, but I don't want
to be in a committed relationship.
1201
01:01:41,906 --> 01:01:43,990
I... I don't. No.
1202
01:01:43,991 --> 01:01:46,284
- [man boos]
- [grunts]
1203
01:01:46,285 --> 01:01:47,745
What do you mean, "Boo"?
1204
01:01:48,830 --> 01:01:50,372
The fact that I'm being honest
1205
01:01:50,373 --> 01:01:52,749
about that I don't want
to be in a relationship,
1206
01:01:52,750 --> 01:01:55,043
I think there's something to be said
about that.
1207
01:01:55,044 --> 01:01:56,628
I could easily lie.
1208
01:01:56,629 --> 01:01:59,256
Meet someone,
say that we're boyfriend/girlfriend,
1209
01:01:59,257 --> 01:02:00,507
and have a thing.
1210
01:02:00,508 --> 01:02:04,011
But does it mean anything
if your behavior doesn't change?
1211
01:02:04,512 --> 01:02:05,846
I'm being up front and honest.
1212
01:02:05,847 --> 01:02:08,557
All I want... All I want... All I want, watch...
1213
01:02:08,558 --> 01:02:11,769
To the guy that booed me for saying
I don't want a relationship.
1214
01:02:12,353 --> 01:02:16,399
Raise your hand so I can...
Okay, you're famous, so...
1215
01:02:17,316 --> 01:02:19,192
- To you... What is your name?
- [man] Justin.
1216
01:02:19,193 --> 01:02:20,777
- Justin?
- Dustin.
1217
01:02:20,778 --> 01:02:22,070
Dustin. All right, Dustin.
1218
01:02:22,071 --> 01:02:23,613
Sorry for... "Dustin!"
1219
01:02:23,614 --> 01:02:26,534
Like, all right, "Chill, bitch." Yeah.
1220
01:02:29,036 --> 01:02:31,163
Yeah, right? Freakin' "'Murica."
1221
01:02:31,164 --> 01:02:32,497
[Gabriel and audience laugh]
1222
01:02:32,498 --> 01:02:34,000
All right, Dustin.
1223
01:02:35,042 --> 01:02:38,128
Me not wanting to be
in a traditional relationship
1224
01:02:38,129 --> 01:02:42,841
is a honest thing because,
uh, I can tell you,
1225
01:02:42,842 --> 01:02:47,012
I don't want to be in a situation
where I'm obligated to participate
1226
01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:50,474
in things that don't make me feel
like a good person.
1227
01:02:50,475 --> 01:02:54,352
And at the age of 47,
I'm tired of arguing,
1228
01:02:54,353 --> 01:02:57,523
yelling, feeling guilted,
feeling obligated,
1229
01:02:58,316 --> 01:02:59,859
not smiling more.
1230
01:03:00,693 --> 01:03:02,360
[audience cheers]
1231
01:03:02,361 --> 01:03:03,528
I'm good, man.
1232
01:03:03,529 --> 01:03:08,200
I... You know... But I still want to go out.
So I just want to be up front and honest.
1233
01:03:08,201 --> 01:03:12,330
All I need, Dustin,
watch, is someone to eat with.
1234
01:03:12,997 --> 01:03:14,999
[audience cheers]
1235
01:03:17,293 --> 01:03:18,711
Someone to drink with.
1236
01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:22,465
Someone to go to movies with.
1237
01:03:24,008 --> 01:03:25,884
And someone to cuddle with.
1238
01:03:25,885 --> 01:03:28,345
[audience cheers]
1239
01:03:28,346 --> 01:03:29,554
That's right.
1240
01:03:29,555 --> 01:03:31,765
And they don't even gotta be
the same person.
1241
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:33,183
[audience laughs]
1242
01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:36,479
All I'm saying is sometimes
it takes a village. Okay?
1243
01:03:38,523 --> 01:03:42,067
Dustin, I would love to tell a woman,
"Hey, would you like to go see a movie?"
1244
01:03:42,068 --> 01:03:43,610
[as woman] "Yeah." Then we go.
1245
01:03:43,611 --> 01:03:45,695
After the movie's over,
I go, "What did you think?"
1246
01:03:45,696 --> 01:03:46,696
[as woman] "Good."
1247
01:03:46,697 --> 01:03:47,614
[as self] "Right?"
1248
01:03:47,615 --> 01:03:50,408
"Would you like to see another movie?"
[as woman] "Sure. When?"
1249
01:03:50,409 --> 01:03:51,368
[as self] "Next week?"
1250
01:03:51,369 --> 01:03:52,327
[as woman] "Good."
1251
01:03:52,328 --> 01:03:54,371
[as self] "Let's stay in touch.
See you next week."
1252
01:03:54,372 --> 01:03:57,290
"This is gonna be so cool.
You like rom-coms. I like rom-coms."
1253
01:03:57,291 --> 01:03:59,167
"You like horror movies. I like horror."
1254
01:03:59,168 --> 01:04:02,045
"This is gonna work. I like this.
I need this. [grunts] Can't wait."
1255
01:04:02,046 --> 01:04:04,548
So I say, "All right, gotta go."
And she gets weird.
1256
01:04:04,549 --> 01:04:06,591
[as woman] "Wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on."
1257
01:04:06,592 --> 01:04:09,010
"You gotta go?
I thought this was going good."
1258
01:04:09,011 --> 01:04:12,514
[as self] "It's going great.
We'll do more next week. This is cool."
1259
01:04:12,515 --> 01:04:14,349
[as woman] "But what's the rush?"
1260
01:04:14,350 --> 01:04:16,268
"Where are you headed? Where you going?"
1261
01:04:16,269 --> 01:04:17,520
[as self] "Um..."
1262
01:04:18,229 --> 01:04:22,315
"Uh, I'm about to call the cuddler. Why?"
1263
01:04:22,316 --> 01:04:24,359
[audience laughs]
1264
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:27,571
[as woman] "The cuddler, what's that?"
[as self] "I got that covered."
1265
01:04:27,572 --> 01:04:30,407
"Okay, movies, that's your lane.
Stay in it, okay?"
1266
01:04:30,408 --> 01:04:34,245
"This is us. We're good.
Solid. You're the movie girl, okay?"
1267
01:04:35,663 --> 01:04:36,664
Now, Dustin.
1268
01:04:38,332 --> 01:04:39,584
I didn't tell her.
1269
01:04:40,585 --> 01:04:41,961
But I'm gonna tell you.
1270
01:04:43,254 --> 01:04:45,338
When it comes
to the department of cuddling,
1271
01:04:45,339 --> 01:04:48,675
and this is so crazy
because I've always been in a relationship
1272
01:04:48,676 --> 01:04:52,638
and I could never be this open and honest,
but now that I'm single,
1273
01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:55,724
these are Fluffy's flavors.
1274
01:04:55,725 --> 01:04:57,350
[audience laughs]
1275
01:04:57,351 --> 01:05:03,190
So, when it comes to the department
of cuddling, this is what I want.
1276
01:05:03,816 --> 01:05:05,943
I want a woman.
1277
01:05:07,320 --> 01:05:08,279
A woman.
1278
01:05:09,196 --> 01:05:10,031
A woman.
1279
01:05:11,115 --> 01:05:14,492
With original factory settings.
1280
01:05:14,493 --> 01:05:16,579
[audience laughs and cheers]
1281
01:05:18,289 --> 01:05:19,665
[speaks indistinctly]
1282
01:05:24,629 --> 01:05:29,425
This woman needs to be equal to,
or greater than,
1283
01:05:30,301 --> 01:05:32,053
in size.
1284
01:05:32,553 --> 01:05:34,638
She needs to be a big girl.
1285
01:05:34,639 --> 01:05:36,973
I prefer a big girl.
1286
01:05:36,974 --> 01:05:39,935
- I want a big girl.
- [audience cheers]
1287
01:05:39,936 --> 01:05:41,895
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
1288
01:05:41,896 --> 01:05:45,982
This way, we both can agree
on the temperature of the thermostat.
1289
01:05:45,983 --> 01:05:48,818
[audience laughs and applauds]
1290
01:05:48,819 --> 01:05:51,529
And only big girls know
what I'm talkin' about.
1291
01:05:51,530 --> 01:05:52,864
[audience laughs]
1292
01:05:52,865 --> 01:05:57,452
See, I'm a big boy, and as a big boy,
I always run hot.
1293
01:05:57,453 --> 01:05:59,329
Heat affects my mood.
1294
01:05:59,330 --> 01:06:04,417
When I'm hot, Dustin, I become irritable,
cranky, my anxiety goes through the roof.
1295
01:06:04,418 --> 01:06:10,090
So for me to feel comfortable,
I like to set the room to 68 degrees.
1296
01:06:10,091 --> 01:06:11,007
Okay?
1297
01:06:11,008 --> 01:06:12,342
[audience cheers]
1298
01:06:12,343 --> 01:06:13,260
That's right.
1299
01:06:14,303 --> 01:06:16,973
And only a big girl
can truly appreciate that.
1300
01:06:18,391 --> 01:06:20,726
Skinny women, not so much.
1301
01:06:21,394 --> 01:06:27,357
And let me tell you, I am tired
of disappointing, skinny, cold women.
1302
01:06:27,358 --> 01:06:28,400
[audience laughs]
1303
01:06:28,401 --> 01:06:31,821
Skinny, cold women are mean.
1304
01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:35,865
They're mean.
They don't want it at freakin' 68 degrees.
1305
01:06:35,866 --> 01:06:37,993
No, they want 72, 73, 74.
1306
01:06:37,994 --> 01:06:40,121
[in Spanish] You're killing me. No!
1307
01:06:40,955 --> 01:06:44,457
[in English] But I can't do that to them.
I can't put them in 68 degrees.
1308
01:06:44,458 --> 01:06:45,542
They get snippy.
1309
01:06:45,543 --> 01:06:49,045
They get evil. They're like,
"Oh my God. What's your problem?"
1310
01:06:49,046 --> 01:06:52,340
"It's so cold.
It's so cold. It's so cold."
1311
01:06:52,341 --> 01:06:55,594
- [as self] "Well, fuckin' eat something."
- [audience laughs]
1312
01:06:56,429 --> 01:06:58,055
"I'm tired of sweating."
1313
01:07:01,017 --> 01:07:01,892
But, yeah.
1314
01:07:02,727 --> 01:07:04,686
Anyway, Dustin, I apologize.
1315
01:07:04,687 --> 01:07:07,105
I wasn't trying to turn this
into a TED Talk.
1316
01:07:07,106 --> 01:07:09,315
[audience chuckles]
1317
01:07:09,316 --> 01:07:14,195
I don't want you to think
that I don't believe in love
1318
01:07:14,196 --> 01:07:18,033
because I do,
and anyone who can pull it off,
1319
01:07:18,034 --> 01:07:19,909
I commend you for it.
1320
01:07:19,910 --> 01:07:22,412
I have met so many couples over the years.
1321
01:07:22,413 --> 01:07:24,622
I've met 20-year couples,
1322
01:07:24,623 --> 01:07:27,125
30-year couples, 40-year couples,
1323
01:07:27,126 --> 01:07:28,501
50-year couples.
1324
01:07:28,502 --> 01:07:31,296
I met one 55.
1325
01:07:31,297 --> 01:07:33,506
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah. Yeah.
1326
01:07:33,507 --> 01:07:34,884
I call them unicorns.
1327
01:07:37,136 --> 01:07:38,386
I'll tell you the story.
1328
01:07:38,387 --> 01:07:40,555
I was in Savannah, Georgia.
1329
01:07:40,556 --> 01:07:45,436
And I had just finished filming
the second Magic Mike movie.
1330
01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:47,187
Now...
1331
01:07:47,188 --> 01:07:50,065
Yeah, I know.
For those of you that don't know,
1332
01:07:50,066 --> 01:07:52,275
I was in Magic Mike.
1333
01:07:52,276 --> 01:07:53,902
[audience cheers]
1334
01:07:53,903 --> 01:07:54,820
Yes.
1335
01:07:55,613 --> 01:07:57,739
I know. I was the only one
who didn't get naked.
1336
01:07:57,740 --> 01:07:58,866
[audience laughs]
1337
01:07:59,742 --> 01:08:02,787
Magic Mike, not Tragic Mike.
So, let's remember that, okay?
1338
01:08:03,579 --> 01:08:06,247
I was the only one
who didn't get naked. So, um...
1339
01:08:06,248 --> 01:08:09,167
Here's the thing,
after the movie, after we wrapped,
1340
01:08:09,168 --> 01:08:11,753
my manager, Joe,
tells me, he says, "Dude, man."
1341
01:08:11,754 --> 01:08:13,588
"Congratulations on another project."
1342
01:08:13,589 --> 01:08:15,757
"I want to take you out
for a steak dinner."
1343
01:08:15,758 --> 01:08:16,966
I said, "Let's go."
1344
01:08:16,967 --> 01:08:20,470
So he takes me to this restaurant called
Ruth's Chris Steak House.
1345
01:08:20,471 --> 01:08:23,264
Now, very popular chain
around the country.
1346
01:08:23,265 --> 01:08:24,808
We go there, we sit down,
1347
01:08:24,809 --> 01:08:27,977
and here comes the server
and the server's real bubbly.
1348
01:08:27,978 --> 01:08:32,232
"Hey, guys. What's going on?
Are we celebrating anything today?"
1349
01:08:32,233 --> 01:08:34,192
"Actually, yes, we are."
1350
01:08:34,193 --> 01:08:36,569
"Well, guess what?
You're not the only ones."
1351
01:08:36,570 --> 01:08:38,279
"You see that couple over there?"
1352
01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:43,076
"That couple is celebrating
55 years of marriage today."
1353
01:08:43,077 --> 01:08:44,787
And we're like, "What?"
1354
01:08:45,454 --> 01:08:46,288
So, we look.
1355
01:08:46,789 --> 01:08:47,831
[whoosh]
1356
01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:49,290
[audience chuckles]
1357
01:08:49,291 --> 01:08:51,626
I said, "How come they're not talking?"
1358
01:08:51,627 --> 01:08:53,670
[audience laughs]
1359
01:08:53,671 --> 01:08:55,255
[as server] "I wondered the same thing,
1360
01:08:55,256 --> 01:08:57,590
but the man made it a point
to say 55 years."
1361
01:08:57,591 --> 01:08:59,509
"I thought that was pretty impressive."
1362
01:08:59,510 --> 01:09:00,802
I go, "No, it is."
1363
01:09:00,803 --> 01:09:04,180
So he leaves to go get us some sodas
and some bread.
1364
01:09:04,181 --> 01:09:06,641
And I tell my manager,
I said, "Hey, Joe, listen."
1365
01:09:06,642 --> 01:09:08,685
"I'mma go say hi
to the couple real quick."
1366
01:09:08,686 --> 01:09:11,396
[as Joe] "Don't get us kicked out."
[as self] "I'm not gonna."
1367
01:09:11,397 --> 01:09:14,774
[as Joe] "Don't make it like last time."
[as self] "It's not gonna be."
1368
01:09:14,775 --> 01:09:20,822
So I get up, and I push in my chair,
and I make my way over to the couple.
1369
01:09:20,823 --> 01:09:25,743
Now, I understand how important
this night is for them.
1370
01:09:25,744 --> 01:09:30,498
I know exactly
how long it took to get to that point,
1371
01:09:30,499 --> 01:09:33,669
and I am not trying to mess that up.
1372
01:09:34,879 --> 01:09:36,129
But I have questions.
1373
01:09:36,130 --> 01:09:37,463
[audience chuckles]
1374
01:09:37,464 --> 01:09:42,469
And these two people are clearly
professionals in that department.
1375
01:09:43,470 --> 01:09:46,347
So I approached the table
as tactfully as I could.
1376
01:09:46,348 --> 01:09:48,601
And I said, "Pardon the interruption."
1377
01:09:49,226 --> 01:09:53,354
"It has come to my attention
that we are celebrating
1378
01:09:53,355 --> 01:09:56,191
55 years of marriage."
1379
01:09:56,192 --> 01:10:01,696
And the man was so happy that someone
acknowledged that. He was just thrilled.
1380
01:10:01,697 --> 01:10:02,864
He's like...
1381
01:10:02,865 --> 01:10:04,950
[breathing excitedly]
1382
01:10:07,870 --> 01:10:09,371
[as older man] "That's right, son."
1383
01:10:09,914 --> 01:10:12,124
"Fifty-five years ago today,
1384
01:10:15,961 --> 01:10:19,464
this lovely lady
sittin' next to me right here
1385
01:10:19,465 --> 01:10:25,053
said I do,
and we've been together ever since."
1386
01:10:25,054 --> 01:10:27,055
[as self] "That is beautiful."
1387
01:10:27,056 --> 01:10:28,766
"May I ask you a question?"
1388
01:10:32,645 --> 01:10:33,979
[as man] "Absolutely."
1389
01:10:35,814 --> 01:10:37,523
[as self] "How come you're not talking?"
1390
01:10:37,524 --> 01:10:38,525
[audience chuckles]
1391
01:10:41,987 --> 01:10:43,989
[laughs as older man]
1392
01:10:49,119 --> 01:10:52,121
"He wants to know how come we're...
Laugh, goddammit."
1393
01:10:52,122 --> 01:10:53,958
[audience laughs]
1394
01:10:58,462 --> 01:11:03,049
"Son, when you've been together
as long as the two of us have,
1395
01:11:03,050 --> 01:11:06,177
you might've seen a thing or two."
1396
01:11:06,178 --> 01:11:07,470
Uh, uh...
1397
01:11:07,471 --> 01:11:12,475
"We have children,
grandchildren, great-grandchildren."
1398
01:11:12,476 --> 01:11:17,397
"We have traveled this great big world
of ours many times over."
1399
01:11:17,398 --> 01:11:19,565
"We're both retired military."
1400
01:11:19,566 --> 01:11:23,486
"We have seen the best in people."
1401
01:11:23,487 --> 01:11:26,948
"And, unfortunately,
when you're around and alive
1402
01:11:26,949 --> 01:11:29,826
as long as the two of us have been, uh,
1403
01:11:29,827 --> 01:11:34,623
you've unfortunately seen
the worst in people as well."
1404
01:11:35,624 --> 01:11:41,462
"We have had
just about every type of conversation
1405
01:11:41,463 --> 01:11:42,672
there is to have.
1406
01:11:42,673 --> 01:11:45,425
[audience chuckles]
1407
01:11:45,426 --> 01:11:47,093
At least twice.
1408
01:11:47,094 --> 01:11:49,512
[audience laughs]
1409
01:11:49,513 --> 01:11:51,723
And after 55 years of marriage,
1410
01:11:51,724 --> 01:11:56,561
well, hell, we're just trying
to enjoy each other's company,
1411
01:11:56,562 --> 01:11:58,230
even if it's in silence."
1412
01:11:59,732 --> 01:12:05,695
I said, "You've had every type
of conversation there is to have?"
1413
01:12:05,696 --> 01:12:09,115
And I guess I triggered him,
because he was like,
1414
01:12:09,116 --> 01:12:10,367
"Look at me!"
1415
01:12:11,535 --> 01:12:12,619
"Look at me!"
1416
01:12:13,120 --> 01:12:14,913
"I've been in combat."
1417
01:12:15,789 --> 01:12:17,582
"Nothing can faze me."
1418
01:12:17,583 --> 01:12:19,877
"Nothing can surprise me anymore."
1419
01:12:21,503 --> 01:12:24,255
- [as self] "You don't say."
- [audience laughs]
1420
01:12:24,256 --> 01:12:28,885
So, I took a step towards them,
I grab my shirt, and I flash them.
1421
01:12:28,886 --> 01:12:30,678
[audience laughs]
1422
01:12:30,679 --> 01:12:32,348
And then I walked away.
1423
01:12:33,515 --> 01:12:35,266
And you know what happened next?
1424
01:12:35,267 --> 01:12:37,018
They started talking!
1425
01:12:37,019 --> 01:12:38,520
[audience laughs and cheers]
1426
01:12:39,313 --> 01:12:43,734
I gave that couple the greatest gift
they will never ever acknowledge.
1427
01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:47,653
Something new, something spontaneous,
something outrageous,
1428
01:12:47,654 --> 01:12:50,615
something neither one of them
had ever seen before.
1429
01:12:50,616 --> 01:12:52,283
I gave them a new story.
1430
01:12:52,284 --> 01:12:53,201
I promise you,
1431
01:12:53,202 --> 01:12:56,496
every year moving forward,
all they're gonna talk about is
1432
01:12:56,497 --> 01:12:58,832
what happened at 55.
1433
01:12:59,792 --> 01:13:03,294
[as older man] "Remember, honey.
Remember when that Samoan flashed us?"
1434
01:13:03,295 --> 01:13:05,254
[audience laughs]
1435
01:13:05,255 --> 01:13:06,340
Right.
1436
01:13:07,841 --> 01:13:09,134
'Cause I'm a giver.
1437
01:13:12,137 --> 01:13:14,305
I remember many, many years ago,
1438
01:13:14,306 --> 01:13:17,642
before there was a venue like this
to perform in,
1439
01:13:17,643 --> 01:13:21,354
the only place around here
for comedians to do shows
1440
01:13:21,355 --> 01:13:25,233
was at a comedy club
right outside these doors
1441
01:13:25,234 --> 01:13:28,694
that was part of the original layout
of the casino.
1442
01:13:28,695 --> 01:13:30,988
[audience cheers]
1443
01:13:30,989 --> 01:13:34,118
It was a club called The Improv.
There's a chain all over.
1444
01:13:34,618 --> 01:13:36,620
[audience cheers]
1445
01:13:38,163 --> 01:13:42,083
And, you know, many,
many years ago, before all of this,
1446
01:13:42,084 --> 01:13:45,044
that's where Martin
and myself, my buddy Alfred,
1447
01:13:45,045 --> 01:13:48,131
we'd go do shows at the... at the club.
1448
01:13:48,132 --> 01:13:51,885
And the first time we got a chance
to perform there,
1449
01:13:52,386 --> 01:13:54,345
I didn't really have a name.
1450
01:13:54,346 --> 01:13:56,347
I wasn't really established yet.
1451
01:13:56,348 --> 01:13:59,434
And I want to take this moment
to acknowledge and thank one person
1452
01:13:59,435 --> 01:14:02,145
who was super, super helpful in that,
1453
01:14:02,146 --> 01:14:05,523
a man by the name of DJ Laz.
1454
01:14:05,524 --> 01:14:07,609
[audience cheers]
1455
01:14:11,864 --> 01:14:14,324
That's right, people.
The Pimp with the Limp.
1456
01:14:15,075 --> 01:14:16,325
Oh, yeah, Papá. Yeah.
1457
01:14:16,326 --> 01:14:19,829
"It's your boy, DJ Laz."
I love him, man. He's great. He's awesome.
1458
01:14:19,830 --> 01:14:22,290
But yeah, he walks in circles. He does.
1459
01:14:22,291 --> 01:14:24,083
He walks in circles. Nice guy.
1460
01:14:24,084 --> 01:14:27,128
DJ Laz was one of the first people
1461
01:14:27,129 --> 01:14:31,215
to allow me to be
on morning radio with him,
1462
01:14:31,216 --> 01:14:33,593
and he helped promote my shows.
1463
01:14:33,594 --> 01:14:38,347
Not only would he allow me to go
on his show and promote my shows,
1464
01:14:38,348 --> 01:14:42,310
he would come to my shows,
and he would bring people,
1465
01:14:42,311 --> 01:14:45,021
and he'd watch and he'd sit
and hang out and laugh.
1466
01:14:45,022 --> 01:14:49,192
The man has a million things he can do
in Miami, but he'd come watch my show.
1467
01:14:49,193 --> 01:14:51,944
And then the next day,
"Papá, come on the radio with me."
1468
01:14:51,945 --> 01:14:53,654
"We're gonna talk about your show."
1469
01:14:53,655 --> 01:14:58,367
And he would help me sell out these shows
year after year after year.
1470
01:14:58,368 --> 01:14:59,703
So, Laz,
1471
01:15:00,454 --> 01:15:03,206
I know you're watching, Papá. Thank you.
1472
01:15:03,207 --> 01:15:04,790
This is part of you, Papá.
1473
01:15:04,791 --> 01:15:05,876
Muchas gracias.
1474
01:15:06,919 --> 01:15:07,753
Thank you.
1475
01:15:08,921 --> 01:15:09,963
Thank you.
1476
01:15:14,384 --> 01:15:16,844
But that was many years down the line.
1477
01:15:16,845 --> 01:15:18,638
In the beginning,
1478
01:15:18,639 --> 01:15:21,015
the first time I performed
at that comedy club,
1479
01:15:21,016 --> 01:15:24,185
right outside these doors,
that's no longer there...
1480
01:15:24,186 --> 01:15:27,438
Um, I'm talking to the marketing person.
1481
01:15:27,439 --> 01:15:31,108
Now, keep in mind, this is so long ago,
there was no social media.
1482
01:15:31,109 --> 01:15:34,570
There was no TikTok, no freaking Twitter,
no Facebook, none of that.
1483
01:15:34,571 --> 01:15:37,323
The only way you could
promote yourself back then was,
1484
01:15:37,324 --> 01:15:39,867
you had to get
on morning radio, morning news,
1485
01:15:39,868 --> 01:15:42,411
have somebody do a write-up on you
in the newspaper.
1486
01:15:42,412 --> 01:15:43,497
Remember those?
1487
01:15:44,039 --> 01:15:48,751
Yeah. And then, of course,
word-of-mouth, which is always the best.
1488
01:15:48,752 --> 01:15:51,254
Uh, they had posters at the comedy club.
1489
01:15:51,255 --> 01:15:54,174
And so, the marketing guy goes, "Gabriel."
1490
01:15:54,925 --> 01:15:57,094
"Help me help you help us."
1491
01:15:58,136 --> 01:16:02,265
"We want to sell tickets.
How do you want to be promoted?"
1492
01:16:02,266 --> 01:16:03,891
I said, "Well..."
1493
01:16:03,892 --> 01:16:05,476
Keep in mind, long time ago.
1494
01:16:05,477 --> 01:16:08,396
I said, "Um, this is how I want you
to promote my show."
1495
01:16:08,397 --> 01:16:10,023
"Please use a photo."
1496
01:16:10,524 --> 01:16:13,150
"Under the photo,
put my name, Gabriel Iglesias."
1497
01:16:13,151 --> 01:16:16,571
I didn't have the nickname Fluffy yet.
That's how long ago this was.
1498
01:16:16,572 --> 01:16:21,492
I said, "Underneath that,
please put, 'As seen on Comedy Central.'"
1499
01:16:21,493 --> 01:16:25,663
Because at the time,
that was the only television credit I had.
1500
01:16:25,664 --> 01:16:29,667
So the marketing guy goes,
"Well, I was thinking, what about,
1501
01:16:29,668 --> 01:16:34,005
'Gabriel Iglesias and his amigos'?"
1502
01:16:34,006 --> 01:16:35,382
[audience chuckles]
1503
01:16:39,803 --> 01:16:40,971
"'Amigos'?"
1504
01:16:42,055 --> 01:16:43,180
"Why 'amigos'?"
1505
01:16:43,181 --> 01:16:45,559
"Because I have other Mexicans with me?"
1506
01:16:46,143 --> 01:16:49,395
And he looked at me
and said, "Good. You get it."
1507
01:16:49,396 --> 01:16:51,606
[audience laughs]
1508
01:16:51,607 --> 01:16:56,736
[as self] "I don't like that. What about
'Gabriel Iglesias and friends'?"
1509
01:16:56,737 --> 01:16:59,280
"Well, we want to put
a couple of buzzwords out there
1510
01:16:59,281 --> 01:17:01,949
to let the community know
what type of show it is."
1511
01:17:01,950 --> 01:17:05,077
I said, "What type of show is it?"
[as guy] "It's a special show."
1512
01:17:05,078 --> 01:17:06,912
[as self] "I don't feel special."
1513
01:17:06,913 --> 01:17:10,208
[as guy] "Gabriel, hear me out.
What about like a taco Tuesday?"
1514
01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:14,254
[as self] "I don't like it."
[as guy] "Okay, what about salsa night?"
1515
01:17:14,755 --> 01:17:15,964
[as self] "Salsa night?"
1516
01:17:17,507 --> 01:17:19,467
"Wait, like dancing or chips and guac?"
1517
01:17:19,468 --> 01:17:20,551
[audience laughs]
1518
01:17:20,552 --> 01:17:22,262
"Either one, I don't like it."
1519
01:17:24,389 --> 01:17:26,807
I could not believe
I was having this conversation,
1520
01:17:26,808 --> 01:17:28,476
and I wanted to get upset.
1521
01:17:28,477 --> 01:17:30,019
I wanted to go off on this guy
1522
01:17:30,020 --> 01:17:32,730
for trying to make me feel
like less of a person, right?
1523
01:17:32,731 --> 01:17:36,859
But I didn't, because I knew
that if I went off on them,
1524
01:17:36,860 --> 01:17:39,028
I would have been seen as difficult.
1525
01:17:39,029 --> 01:17:41,113
I would have been seen as a problem,
1526
01:17:41,114 --> 01:17:44,867
and I would not have been given
another opportunity to come back.
1527
01:17:44,868 --> 01:17:47,995
When people ask me,
"What do you credit for your success?"
1528
01:17:47,996 --> 01:17:51,248
Of course, talent,
showing up, doing what you gotta do.
1529
01:17:51,249 --> 01:17:54,419
But one word that gets left out a lot
is the word "sacrifice."
1530
01:17:55,128 --> 01:17:57,797
I had to sacrifice something that day,
1531
01:17:57,798 --> 01:18:00,758
and a lot of people think they know
what sacrifice means
1532
01:18:00,759 --> 01:18:04,387
but honestly, until you have to make one,
I don't think you do.
1533
01:18:04,388 --> 01:18:06,931
I had to sacrifice my pride
1534
01:18:06,932 --> 01:18:09,934
because as much as I wanted
to go off on this guy,
1535
01:18:09,935 --> 01:18:12,812
I knew that if I did,
I'd be shooting myself in the foot.
1536
01:18:12,813 --> 01:18:16,148
I knew that if they could see
what I could do on that stage,
1537
01:18:16,149 --> 01:18:20,069
they'd have to bring me back,
and they'd have to treat me different.
1538
01:18:20,070 --> 01:18:21,780
[audience cheers]
1539
01:18:27,536 --> 01:18:30,037
So as much as it hurt,
as much as it sucked,
1540
01:18:30,038 --> 01:18:33,249
I allowed that stupid taco Tuesday
to happen.
1541
01:18:33,250 --> 01:18:36,837
So, for me, I was very upset.
1542
01:18:37,337 --> 01:18:41,006
I was wondering, is this something
that happens to all new comedians,
1543
01:18:41,007 --> 01:18:43,050
or was I being singled out?
1544
01:18:43,051 --> 01:18:45,511
It was killing me. I needed to know.
1545
01:18:45,512 --> 01:18:47,722
I couldn't just take out my phone
and google it
1546
01:18:47,723 --> 01:18:51,059
because that wasn't an option
all those years back.
1547
01:18:51,852 --> 01:18:55,354
So what I had to do was I had to go
to the front door of the club
1548
01:18:55,355 --> 01:18:58,691
where they had a bin,
and the bin had flyers in it.
1549
01:18:58,692 --> 01:19:00,985
So I grabbed the flyer,
and I looked at it.
1550
01:19:00,986 --> 01:19:04,530
And the flyer had the list
of upcoming comedy shows.
1551
01:19:04,531 --> 01:19:07,533
And I was so upset when I saw it
1552
01:19:07,534 --> 01:19:11,871
because all it was, was pictures,
names, and television credits.
1553
01:19:11,872 --> 01:19:16,625
No silly names, no theme nights,
no "spicy this" or "crazy that."
1554
01:19:16,626 --> 01:19:17,960
Just comedy.
1555
01:19:17,961 --> 01:19:21,255
So I said, "Why are they doing
this stupid taco Tuesday thing to me?"
1556
01:19:21,256 --> 01:19:23,591
So I said, "Let me try
to find another comedian
1557
01:19:23,592 --> 01:19:26,845
who's a little bit more in my vein."
1558
01:19:27,637 --> 01:19:29,264
If you know what I mean.
1559
01:19:30,015 --> 01:19:32,642
The only other comedian I could find
1560
01:19:33,226 --> 01:19:36,061
was a man by the name of George Lopez.
1561
01:19:36,062 --> 01:19:38,815
[audience cheers]
1562
01:19:41,985 --> 01:19:46,155
With George's promo,
however, it was just a picture, name,
1563
01:19:46,156 --> 01:19:47,281
and underneath that,
1564
01:19:47,282 --> 01:19:51,535
a television credit that said,
"As seen on ABC."
1565
01:19:51,536 --> 01:19:52,453
That's it.
1566
01:19:52,454 --> 01:19:56,123
It didn't say,
"Likes to ride a donkey, George Lopez,"
1567
01:19:56,124 --> 01:19:59,168
"Eats a burrito
with both hands, George Lopez."
1568
01:19:59,169 --> 01:20:03,464
"Ay, ay, ay. I just jumped the wall.
It's George Lopez." No!
1569
01:20:03,465 --> 01:20:05,174
So I said,
"Why are they doing this to me?"
1570
01:20:05,175 --> 01:20:07,301
So then I said, "All right, all right."
1571
01:20:07,302 --> 01:20:11,723
"Let me see
how they promote the Black comedians."
1572
01:20:12,224 --> 01:20:15,643
And with the Black comedians,
it was the same thing.
1573
01:20:15,644 --> 01:20:19,731
Picture, name, television credit,
and that's it.
1574
01:20:20,232 --> 01:20:26,403
Unless it was a show
that had multiple Black comedians on it
1575
01:20:26,404 --> 01:20:30,908
because if the comedy club had a show
with three or more Black comics on it,
1576
01:20:30,909 --> 01:20:32,910
they would put a catchy name to it.
1577
01:20:32,911 --> 01:20:35,287
They would call the show "Urban Night"
1578
01:20:35,288 --> 01:20:38,541
or "Apollo Night"
or "Def Jam Comedy Night,"
1579
01:20:38,542 --> 01:20:41,669
"BET Comedy Night,"
"Black-ish Comedy Night."
1580
01:20:41,670 --> 01:20:43,254
But that's as far as they would go.
1581
01:20:43,255 --> 01:20:45,714
They wouldn't go to the next level
like they would for me.
1582
01:20:45,715 --> 01:20:49,885
Oh, yeah. There was no "Margarita Monday"
or "Taco Tuesday"
1583
01:20:49,886 --> 01:20:53,556
or "Wetback Wednesday"
or "Tortilla Thursday,"
1584
01:20:53,557 --> 01:20:56,935
or "Fiesta Friday,"
or "Sábado Gigante"! No.
1585
01:20:58,812 --> 01:21:01,355
That would never happen to Black people.
Are you kidding me?
1586
01:21:01,356 --> 01:21:04,567
You'll never see a "Malt Liquor Monday"
1587
01:21:04,568 --> 01:21:08,571
or "Tupac Tuesday,"
or "Watermelon Wednesday"
1588
01:21:08,572 --> 01:21:10,823
or "Thong, Th-Thong, Thong Thursday,"
1589
01:21:10,824 --> 01:21:14,243
or "Fried Chicken Friday"
or "Sookie-Sookie Saturday"
1590
01:21:14,244 --> 01:21:16,203
or "Slap-a-Ho Sunday"!
1591
01:21:16,204 --> 01:21:18,415
[audience laughs and cheers]
1592
01:21:20,667 --> 01:21:24,963
And that most definitely will not happen
to white people.
1593
01:21:29,801 --> 01:21:31,802
[audience chuckling]
1594
01:21:31,803 --> 01:21:33,889
[scattered cheers]
1595
01:21:44,816 --> 01:21:45,774
[speaks inaudibly]
1596
01:21:45,775 --> 01:21:47,861
[cheering grows louder]
1597
01:21:58,121 --> 01:21:59,456
Oh, I'mma do the joke.
1598
01:22:01,041 --> 01:22:04,168
And you know why you can laugh
and enjoy and not feel threatened
1599
01:22:04,169 --> 01:22:05,461
by what I'm about to say?
1600
01:22:05,462 --> 01:22:07,922
Because, like what I said earlier tonight,
1601
01:22:07,923 --> 01:22:12,761
I am here to entertain,
I am not here to offend.
1602
01:22:13,261 --> 01:22:16,890
I'm here to have fun with everybody,
starting with me.
1603
01:22:18,266 --> 01:22:20,936
Plus, it'll never happen.
1604
01:22:21,436 --> 01:22:27,483
You'll never see a "Monster Truck Monday"
or "Trailer Park Tuesday"
1605
01:22:27,484 --> 01:22:31,654
or "White Trash Wednesday"
or "Take Your Sister Out Thursday."
1606
01:22:31,655 --> 01:22:33,864
[audience laughs]
1607
01:22:33,865 --> 01:22:37,285
[in Southern accent] "Oh, hell no, Fluffy!
You done crossed the line now!"
1608
01:22:37,994 --> 01:22:40,705
"My name is Dustin,
and I don't play that shit."
1609
01:22:42,248 --> 01:22:44,250
[audience laughs and cheers]
1610
01:22:51,216 --> 01:22:53,175
"I'm from Davie, goddammit."
1611
01:22:53,176 --> 01:22:55,261
[audience cheers]
1612
01:23:01,226 --> 01:23:02,643
Next time, stay quiet.
1613
01:23:02,644 --> 01:23:04,812
[audience laughs]
1614
01:23:04,813 --> 01:23:05,855
So...
1615
01:23:10,110 --> 01:23:12,736
I was talking to Martin backstage
before I came out,
1616
01:23:12,737 --> 01:23:17,116
and he goes, "Are you gonna share
the story about the theme nights thing
1617
01:23:17,117 --> 01:23:19,743
that happened
at The Improv here, and y'know?"
1618
01:23:19,744 --> 01:23:22,579
I go, "Well, y'know,
I think I should, Martin."
1619
01:23:22,580 --> 01:23:26,083
"I think I should tell the story
about, y'know, the theme nights."
1620
01:23:26,084 --> 01:23:29,128
He goes, "Gabe, can I tell you something
about that theme nights bit?"
1621
01:23:29,129 --> 01:23:30,671
I go, "Tell me, Martin."
1622
01:23:30,672 --> 01:23:33,799
[as Martin] "Do you realize
that in all the years
1623
01:23:33,800 --> 01:23:38,679
I have heard you tell this story
about what happened at that club,
1624
01:23:38,680 --> 01:23:42,308
do you understand that you've never once
1625
01:23:43,268 --> 01:23:44,893
finished the week?"
1626
01:23:44,894 --> 01:23:46,980
[audience chuckles]
1627
01:23:48,815 --> 01:23:51,608
I said, "Martin,
you know why that is, right?"
1628
01:23:51,609 --> 01:23:53,318
"It's the rule of comedy."
1629
01:23:53,319 --> 01:23:56,280
"You always want to end
on the biggest laugh."
1630
01:23:56,281 --> 01:23:59,658
"Thursday gets the biggest laugh,
which is why I stopped at Thursday."
1631
01:23:59,659 --> 01:24:03,746
And Martin goes, "I know, I know, I know."
1632
01:24:03,747 --> 01:24:06,165
"But you're robbing white people
of their week."
1633
01:24:06,166 --> 01:24:08,251
[audience laughs]
1634
01:24:12,297 --> 01:24:14,049
I never looked at it that way.
1635
01:24:15,550 --> 01:24:17,301
"Fox News Friday."
1636
01:24:17,302 --> 01:24:18,552
[audience laughs]
1637
01:24:18,553 --> 01:24:20,679
"Storm the Capitol Saturday."
1638
01:24:20,680 --> 01:24:22,848
[audience laughs]
1639
01:24:22,849 --> 01:24:24,933
"Say You're Sorry Sunday"!
1640
01:24:24,934 --> 01:24:27,603
[audience cheers]
1641
01:24:27,604 --> 01:24:29,563
Are we still havin' a good time?
1642
01:24:29,564 --> 01:24:31,775
[audience cheers]
1643
01:24:32,692 --> 01:24:34,610
Are we still having fun?
1644
01:24:34,611 --> 01:24:38,323
[cheering grows louder]
1645
01:24:40,700 --> 01:24:42,785
That's what I'm talkin' about.
1646
01:24:42,786 --> 01:24:46,830
People laughing, not getting upset,
not getting offended,
1647
01:24:46,831 --> 01:24:48,582
not freakin' making a stink.
1648
01:24:48,583 --> 01:24:50,751
And let me tell you right now,
for the five people
1649
01:24:50,752 --> 01:24:55,547
who have never heard of me before,
this... is for you.
1650
01:24:55,548 --> 01:24:57,841
[scattered cheers]
1651
01:24:57,842 --> 01:24:59,510
I get pulled over one night,
1652
01:24:59,511 --> 01:25:02,679
two minutes after coming out
of a Krispy Kreme drive-through.
1653
01:25:02,680 --> 01:25:04,766
[audience cheering knowingly]
1654
01:25:07,018 --> 01:25:09,144
I made a left turn
instead of making a right turn,
1655
01:25:09,145 --> 01:25:11,814
but I wasn't paying attention,
'cause I had a box, right?
1656
01:25:11,815 --> 01:25:14,191
I was like, "Oh, you're gonna get it."
1657
01:25:14,192 --> 01:25:17,694
[chuckles enthusiastically]
1658
01:25:17,695 --> 01:25:19,906
[exclaims, chuckles]
"You're gonna get it."
1659
01:25:21,825 --> 01:25:23,534
I make a wrong turn all of a sudden.
1660
01:25:23,535 --> 01:25:24,451
[imitates siren]
1661
01:25:24,452 --> 01:25:25,619
[groans]
1662
01:25:25,620 --> 01:25:27,037
[imitates vehicle approaching]
1663
01:25:27,038 --> 01:25:28,206
[grunts sadly]
1664
01:25:28,832 --> 01:25:29,706
"Later."
1665
01:25:29,707 --> 01:25:31,583
[audience laughs]
1666
01:25:31,584 --> 01:25:33,461
[gibbers indistinctly]
1667
01:25:34,462 --> 01:25:37,422
The officer is taking forever.
I said, "Forget this."
1668
01:25:37,423 --> 01:25:39,967
I grab the box of donuts.
I put it on my lap.
1669
01:25:39,968 --> 01:25:41,468
I flipped it open. I was like...
1670
01:25:41,469 --> 01:25:43,178
[inhales sharply] Mm!
1671
01:25:43,179 --> 01:25:45,473
[chuckles] Ah!
1672
01:25:45,974 --> 01:25:48,226
[exclaims wildly]
1673
01:25:48,726 --> 01:25:53,272
And just as I was about to tear it up,
the officer gets to the window,
1674
01:25:53,273 --> 01:25:56,150
and he's like,
"You know why I stopped you?"
1675
01:25:56,151 --> 01:25:58,193
It was too easy.
1676
01:25:58,194 --> 01:26:00,445
I picked up the box, and I said...
1677
01:26:00,446 --> 01:26:03,198
[with audience] "'Cause you can smell it!"
1678
01:26:03,199 --> 01:26:04,909
[audience cheering]
1679
01:26:21,885 --> 01:26:28,098
[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
1680
01:26:28,099 --> 01:26:34,605
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
1681
01:26:34,606 --> 01:26:36,691
[audience continues cheering]
1682
01:26:45,491 --> 01:26:46,742
[chime dings]
1683
01:26:46,743 --> 01:26:51,163
[Gabriel] You're probably wondering,
why did we pause the special again?
1684
01:26:51,164 --> 01:26:54,875
Well, I just want to let you guys know
most comedians would've already said,
1685
01:26:54,876 --> 01:26:58,545
"Thank you, good night," gone home,
cashed their Netflix checks,
1686
01:26:58,546 --> 01:27:00,339
and hope they get another phone call.
1687
01:27:00,340 --> 01:27:02,174
"Please call me, Netflix."
1688
01:27:02,175 --> 01:27:04,927
[inhales] But this guy
is not most comedians.
1689
01:27:04,928 --> 01:27:07,054
That's what happens
when you hire a Mexican.
1690
01:27:07,055 --> 01:27:08,722
We love overtime.
1691
01:27:08,723 --> 01:27:10,140
[audience cheering]
1692
01:27:10,141 --> 01:27:16,146
Thank you for still wanting to hear
a joke that's over 20 years old.
1693
01:27:16,147 --> 01:27:18,233
[audience cheers]
1694
01:27:20,902 --> 01:27:22,528
I grew up watching you too.
1695
01:27:23,071 --> 01:27:24,696
[audience laughs]
1696
01:27:24,697 --> 01:27:25,864
Got chills when I...
1697
01:27:25,865 --> 01:27:27,199
[in Spanish] Look, look.
1698
01:27:27,200 --> 01:27:29,285
[audience laughs]
1699
01:27:30,245 --> 01:27:31,870
[in English] That was beautiful.
1700
01:27:31,871 --> 01:27:35,832
I love you too, and that...
Seriously, you guys, thank you for that.
1701
01:27:35,833 --> 01:27:36,750
Thank you.
1702
01:27:36,751 --> 01:27:38,460
[audience cheers]
1703
01:27:38,461 --> 01:27:39,587
Thank you.
1704
01:27:42,840 --> 01:27:44,591
There are fans,
1705
01:27:44,592 --> 01:27:47,428
and then there's
what you just did right now.
1706
01:27:48,054 --> 01:27:50,056
[audience cheering]
1707
01:27:52,016 --> 01:27:56,144
I don't know any other comedian
that gets this type of love and loyalty.
1708
01:27:56,145 --> 01:27:57,312
Thank you so much.
1709
01:27:57,313 --> 01:28:01,316
I'm not getting off the stage yet
'cause I still got more to go,
1710
01:28:01,317 --> 01:28:03,360
but I want to say thank you for that.
1711
01:28:03,361 --> 01:28:05,946
[audience cheers]
1712
01:28:05,947 --> 01:28:07,115
Thank you.
1713
01:28:08,366 --> 01:28:09,658
[sighs dramatically]
1714
01:28:09,659 --> 01:28:12,495
[audience cheering]
1715
01:28:18,710 --> 01:28:19,711
[Gabriel] Whoo!
1716
01:28:21,212 --> 01:28:23,755
So when I started doing stand-up in 1997,
1717
01:28:23,756 --> 01:28:28,136
the only place that would allow me
to go up on stage and do what I do
1718
01:28:28,636 --> 01:28:29,679
were bars.
1719
01:28:30,430 --> 01:28:33,056
Dive bars, rough bars.
1720
01:28:33,057 --> 01:28:36,393
Uh, Martin and I,
that's where we met, many, many years ago.
1721
01:28:36,394 --> 01:28:39,479
We're performing at this bar
in Montebello, California,
1722
01:28:39,480 --> 01:28:42,649
and, uh, you had to fight with the crowd.
1723
01:28:42,650 --> 01:28:44,818
You had to fight because there was noise.
1724
01:28:44,819 --> 01:28:46,111
There were TVs on.
1725
01:28:46,112 --> 01:28:49,364
People were drinking, smoking...
People were doing everything in there
1726
01:28:49,365 --> 01:28:50,949
but paying attention.
1727
01:28:50,950 --> 01:28:54,494
So you had to come out quick,
trying to get them to laugh.
1728
01:28:54,495 --> 01:28:57,873
And one night,
this comedian pulls me aside,
1729
01:28:57,874 --> 01:28:59,459
and he goes, "Hey, kid."
1730
01:29:00,251 --> 01:29:02,502
And when he called me kid, I got upset.
1731
01:29:02,503 --> 01:29:04,171
I'm like, "I could drink."
1732
01:29:04,172 --> 01:29:06,757
[audience laughs]
1733
01:29:06,758 --> 01:29:11,720
I was 20, 21 years old, and, you know,
even though I thought I was grown,
1734
01:29:11,721 --> 01:29:13,013
I wasn't.
1735
01:29:13,014 --> 01:29:14,222
I wasn't grown.
1736
01:29:14,223 --> 01:29:16,516
Uh, I got upset that he pulled me aside.
1737
01:29:16,517 --> 01:29:18,352
He goes, "Can I give you some advice?"
1738
01:29:18,353 --> 01:29:21,773
I'm like, "Who does this guy think he is?
I'm funnier than him."
1739
01:29:22,648 --> 01:29:26,193
That's what I thought
because at the age of 21, I was a punk.
1740
01:29:26,194 --> 01:29:27,403
I really was.
1741
01:29:27,945 --> 01:29:32,240
And so, I don't know what got into me
where I said,
1742
01:29:32,241 --> 01:29:33,951
"Sure, I'll hear you out."
1743
01:29:34,452 --> 01:29:36,871
And I just stood there,
and he said, "Listen."
1744
01:29:38,039 --> 01:29:43,002
"Um, you're really likeable on stage,
and that's rare."
1745
01:29:43,503 --> 01:29:45,128
"I'm gonna give you a bit of advice."
1746
01:29:45,129 --> 01:29:49,050
"If you cut all the cussing
out of your show
1747
01:29:49,717 --> 01:29:52,302
and start taking the filthy material out,
1748
01:29:52,303 --> 01:29:55,306
I think you're gonna have
a long career ahead of you."
1749
01:29:55,807 --> 01:30:01,728
And I know I said "take the cussing out"
and I... I said the F-word twice tonight.
1750
01:30:01,729 --> 01:30:03,814
[audience chuckles]
1751
01:30:03,815 --> 01:30:06,316
Technically, no, three times.
I said it three times.
1752
01:30:06,317 --> 01:30:08,276
Um, but I'm mindful of it.
1753
01:30:08,277 --> 01:30:10,362
I'm keeping count.
It's not every other word.
1754
01:30:10,363 --> 01:30:12,656
Plus, we're in a casino.
1755
01:30:12,657 --> 01:30:14,157
[audience cheers]
1756
01:30:14,158 --> 01:30:17,953
Okay. No one loses their ass
and says, "Aw, shucks." No.
1757
01:30:17,954 --> 01:30:19,830
[audience laughs]
1758
01:30:19,831 --> 01:30:21,581
I heard some of you cussing before.
1759
01:30:21,582 --> 01:30:25,293
"When the fuck is this gonna start?"
Yeah, I heard you. I heard you.
1760
01:30:25,294 --> 01:30:26,586
[in Spanish] I'm fat, not deaf.
1761
01:30:26,587 --> 01:30:28,089
[in English] I heard you, goddammit.
1762
01:30:28,923 --> 01:30:30,508
So anyway,
1763
01:30:31,634 --> 01:30:33,261
he gives me this advice.
1764
01:30:34,679 --> 01:30:38,432
Cut the cussing out of your show,
take out the filthy material.
1765
01:30:38,433 --> 01:30:44,396
And I don't know why I listen,
but I did, and he was absolutely right.
1766
01:30:44,397 --> 01:30:47,899
All of a sudden, I started getting
opportunities left and right.
1767
01:30:47,900 --> 01:30:53,488
I started getting booked at colleges,
high schools, churches, fairs.
1768
01:30:53,489 --> 01:30:54,991
And then the big one,
1769
01:30:55,867 --> 01:30:57,117
casinos.
1770
01:30:57,118 --> 01:30:58,995
[audience cheers]
1771
01:31:03,207 --> 01:31:04,332
[cheering fades]
1772
01:31:04,333 --> 01:31:05,542
Back in the day,
1773
01:31:05,543 --> 01:31:09,588
you had to be squeaky-clean
to perform at a casino.
1774
01:31:09,589 --> 01:31:11,798
Uh, but that's not the case anymore.
1775
01:31:11,799 --> 01:31:14,509
If you can sell tickets,
it doesn't matter what you do,
1776
01:31:14,510 --> 01:31:16,052
they want to book you.
1777
01:31:16,053 --> 01:31:19,556
But back in the day, there was
only a few people who could pull it off.
1778
01:31:19,557 --> 01:31:24,102
I was fortunate to be one of those people.
So I remember, I got booked to perform
1779
01:31:24,103 --> 01:31:27,481
at a casino called Morongo
in Southern California,
1780
01:31:27,482 --> 01:31:29,733
and I'm backstage with the booker,
1781
01:31:29,734 --> 01:31:34,446
the lady that hired me for the function,
and she goes, "So, no cussing, right?"
1782
01:31:34,447 --> 01:31:35,864
I go, "No. No cussing."
1783
01:31:35,865 --> 01:31:38,742
[as booker] "No filthy material?"
[as self] "No filthy material."
1784
01:31:38,743 --> 01:31:39,910
[as booker] "Good luck."
1785
01:31:39,911 --> 01:31:43,997
And it was just me.
I didn't have openers. It was just me.
1786
01:31:43,998 --> 01:31:46,958
It was a voice-over
on the frickin' speaker, right?
1787
01:31:46,959 --> 01:31:50,253
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
comedian, funny man Gabriel Iglesias."
1788
01:31:50,254 --> 01:31:52,422
And then I just...
I walked out there, right?
1789
01:31:52,423 --> 01:31:56,843
I offended the entire audience...
1790
01:31:56,844 --> 01:31:58,762
[audience chuckles]
1791
01:31:58,763 --> 01:32:00,640
...in five seconds.
1792
01:32:01,891 --> 01:32:04,352
And I did it without cussing.
1793
01:32:06,145 --> 01:32:11,567
Frickin' 22-year-old kid goes up on stage,
looks at the crowd and says,
1794
01:32:12,068 --> 01:32:16,321
"Hey, everybody! Is this a regular casino,
or is this an Indian casino?"
1795
01:32:16,322 --> 01:32:18,741
[audience groans and laughs]
1796
01:32:20,743 --> 01:32:23,036
You see how you all know?
1797
01:32:23,037 --> 01:32:25,080
[audience laughs]
1798
01:32:25,081 --> 01:32:26,123
I didn't know.
1799
01:32:27,458 --> 01:32:30,877
I didn't know
because I didn't have TikTok to teach me.
1800
01:32:30,878 --> 01:32:32,462
[audience chuckles]
1801
01:32:32,463 --> 01:32:36,299
What I did have was a life experience
that I'll never forget.
1802
01:32:36,300 --> 01:32:39,928
As soon as I said that,
the entire front row,
1803
01:32:39,929 --> 01:32:44,058
which comprised of the tribal members
from the casino,
1804
01:32:44,642 --> 01:32:46,601
they all stood up,
1805
01:32:46,602 --> 01:32:49,604
and one of them called me out
in front of the entire audience.
1806
01:32:49,605 --> 01:32:52,357
"Hey! Hey! You don't say that anymore!"
1807
01:32:52,358 --> 01:32:54,442
"The proper term is Native American."
1808
01:32:54,443 --> 01:32:55,986
"Please show respect."
1809
01:32:55,987 --> 01:32:59,030
And I was like, "Oh my God.
I'm so sorry. I didn't know."
1810
01:32:59,031 --> 01:33:02,368
And I felt horrible,
and I was so embarrassed.
1811
01:33:02,994 --> 01:33:06,580
Fortunately, I had a second show
at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock hits.
1812
01:33:06,581 --> 01:33:07,956
I take the stage.
1813
01:33:07,957 --> 01:33:11,793
I didn't need to be told
a thousand times that I messed up.
1814
01:33:11,794 --> 01:33:15,338
That one time of me getting shamed
in front of the entire audience
1815
01:33:15,339 --> 01:33:16,881
was all I needed.
1816
01:33:16,882 --> 01:33:19,509
That's why I'm a firm believer in shaming.
1817
01:33:19,510 --> 01:33:21,428
[audience laughs]
1818
01:33:21,429 --> 01:33:23,431
I think shaming is good.
1819
01:33:23,973 --> 01:33:28,519
Shaming is good as long
as you shame with purpose.
1820
01:33:29,186 --> 01:33:32,522
If you're about to teach someone
a valuable lesson,
1821
01:33:32,523 --> 01:33:35,358
I say go for it because it worked for me.
1822
01:33:35,359 --> 01:33:37,235
I got shamed one time.
1823
01:33:37,236 --> 01:33:40,947
Second show, ten o'clock.
I took the stage. Ooh, it was different.
1824
01:33:40,948 --> 01:33:43,950
I was like, "Before I get started,
ladies and gentlemen,
1825
01:33:43,951 --> 01:33:45,535
I'd like to take this opportunity
1826
01:33:45,536 --> 01:33:48,830
to thank all of the Native Americans
who are here tonight."
1827
01:33:48,831 --> 01:33:52,834
"Thank you for this opportunity
to perform in your casino."
1828
01:33:52,835 --> 01:33:55,045
"I hope you enjoy the performance."
1829
01:33:55,046 --> 01:33:57,131
[audience cheers and laughs]
1830
01:33:58,716 --> 01:34:00,258
I thought I was good.
1831
01:34:00,259 --> 01:34:03,219
All of a sudden, another tribal member
in the back jumped up.
1832
01:34:03,220 --> 01:34:07,265
And he's like, "Hey, drop the 'American'!
Just say 'Native'!"
1833
01:34:07,266 --> 01:34:09,268
[audience laughs]
1834
01:34:10,936 --> 01:34:12,020
[as self] "'Kay!"
1835
01:34:12,021 --> 01:34:13,313
[audience laughs]
1836
01:34:13,314 --> 01:34:15,315
That stayed with me. That was powerful.
1837
01:34:15,316 --> 01:34:16,566
That was scary.
1838
01:34:16,567 --> 01:34:19,027
Next time I did a casino,
first thing I said was,
1839
01:34:19,028 --> 01:34:22,656
"I would like to acknowledge
all of the Natives who are here tonight,"
1840
01:34:22,657 --> 01:34:25,826
and then someone yelled out,
"We're Indigenous!"
1841
01:34:26,827 --> 01:34:28,287
Fuck me!
1842
01:34:30,289 --> 01:34:31,498
That's four.
1843
01:34:31,499 --> 01:34:33,584
[audience laughs and cheers]
1844
01:34:35,086 --> 01:34:36,712
{\an8}[chime dings]
1845
01:34:39,256 --> 01:34:43,843
With time, I got a chance to perform
all across the United States,
1846
01:34:43,844 --> 01:34:47,097
and then I get
my first-ever show in Canada.
1847
01:34:47,098 --> 01:34:48,432
Ironically enough,
1848
01:34:49,016 --> 01:34:50,225
at a casino.
1849
01:34:50,226 --> 01:34:51,601
[audience laughs]
1850
01:34:51,602 --> 01:34:53,478
It's a casino we still perform at
1851
01:34:53,479 --> 01:34:56,231
called Caesars
in the city of Windsor, Ontario,
1852
01:34:56,232 --> 01:34:58,983
right across the water
from Detroit, Michigan.
1853
01:34:58,984 --> 01:35:00,610
[audience cheers]
1854
01:35:00,611 --> 01:35:04,197
I come to find out the hard way
that in Canada,
1855
01:35:04,198 --> 01:35:10,453
it is a completely different term
for describing the... people...
1856
01:35:10,454 --> 01:35:11,871
[audience chuckles]
1857
01:35:11,872 --> 01:35:14,040
...originally from that land.
1858
01:35:14,041 --> 01:35:16,627
The proper term in Canada is actually
1859
01:35:17,169 --> 01:35:18,879
"First Nation."
1860
01:35:19,422 --> 01:35:22,465
I didn't know that.
I was so nervous being in Canada,
1861
01:35:22,466 --> 01:35:24,217
I said, "Native American."
1862
01:35:24,218 --> 01:35:26,094
[audience laughs]
1863
01:35:26,095 --> 01:35:28,430
Like, "Hello?"
I'm not even in America, right?
1864
01:35:28,431 --> 01:35:31,266
Frickin' stupid, right? Pendejo, I know.
1865
01:35:31,267 --> 01:35:32,351
[audience laughs]
1866
01:35:32,935 --> 01:35:37,230
Fortunately, someone pulled me
to the side, and they told me what was up.
1867
01:35:37,231 --> 01:35:39,232
I was lucky that I had a second show.
1868
01:35:39,233 --> 01:35:42,402
Ten o'clock,
I take the stage, and I'm like,
1869
01:35:42,403 --> 01:35:45,029
"Before I begin,
I would like to acknowledge
1870
01:35:45,030 --> 01:35:48,032
all of the First Nation people
who are here tonight."
1871
01:35:48,033 --> 01:35:51,286
Then some guy yells out,
"Call us Indians!"
1872
01:35:51,287 --> 01:35:53,289
[audience laughs]
1873
01:35:57,084 --> 01:35:59,002
This guy in the front row was like...
1874
01:35:59,003 --> 01:36:01,045
[in Indian accent] "They're not Indian."
1875
01:36:01,046 --> 01:36:03,132
[audience laughs]
1876
01:36:10,014 --> 01:36:11,932
[in Indian accent] "They are not Indian!"
1877
01:36:18,606 --> 01:36:20,858
[as self] Canada has always
been an adventure.
1878
01:36:21,734 --> 01:36:25,195
There was one show that we did
at the same casino.
1879
01:36:25,196 --> 01:36:29,949
Anytime now, we perform
outside of the United States,
1880
01:36:29,950 --> 01:36:33,286
even if it's next door
in Canada or Mexico,
1881
01:36:33,287 --> 01:36:36,873
Martin's first question
to the audience is,
1882
01:36:36,874 --> 01:36:39,042
"Do we have any Americans
in the house tonight?"
1883
01:36:39,043 --> 01:36:42,670
Because no matter where we perform
in the world, there's always a handful.
1884
01:36:42,671 --> 01:36:46,716
So that night, Martin takes
the stage, and he asked the question,
1885
01:36:46,717 --> 01:36:48,718
"Do we have any Americans here tonight?"
1886
01:36:48,719 --> 01:36:52,388
Not knowing that earlier in the day,
1887
01:36:52,389 --> 01:36:55,351
at that same casino,
in the grand ballroom,
1888
01:36:55,976 --> 01:37:00,480
there was a... a end-of-year holiday party
from an American company
1889
01:37:00,481 --> 01:37:03,066
from right across the water in Detroit.
1890
01:37:03,067 --> 01:37:05,568
And they were having
this end-of-year celebration,
1891
01:37:05,569 --> 01:37:08,988
and they were there,
pre-gaming since noon.
1892
01:37:08,989 --> 01:37:10,073
[audience chuckles]
1893
01:37:10,074 --> 01:37:11,199
Partying it up.
1894
01:37:11,200 --> 01:37:14,369
And I guess the... the party planner
for the event
1895
01:37:14,370 --> 01:37:20,208
thought it would be an amazing idea
to end their party with laughter.
1896
01:37:20,209 --> 01:37:25,588
So this person bought all of the tickets
to my show that night
1897
01:37:25,589 --> 01:37:27,757
and gave them to that company.
1898
01:37:27,758 --> 01:37:31,387
Well, seven o'clock rolls around,
and everybody stumbles in,
1899
01:37:31,887 --> 01:37:35,849
takes their seats, and then Martin
walks out, and he asked the question,
1900
01:37:35,850 --> 01:37:37,267
"Do we have any Americans?"
1901
01:37:37,268 --> 01:37:41,271
And instead of getting a "Yay,"
"Whoo," "Right here," he got...
1902
01:37:41,272 --> 01:37:43,690
[imitates crowd roaring]
1903
01:37:43,691 --> 01:37:47,068
They were so drunk, they started chanting.
1904
01:37:47,069 --> 01:37:53,658
"USA! USA! USA! USA!"
1905
01:37:53,659 --> 01:37:57,453
I'm in the dressing room, hearing this.
I'm like, "Why are we here?"
1906
01:37:57,454 --> 01:37:58,830
[audience laughs]
1907
01:37:58,831 --> 01:38:02,959
"We could have done this in Detroit."
You know? I had to fill out paperwork.
1908
01:38:02,960 --> 01:38:04,587
I'm like, "This is not cool."
1909
01:38:05,170 --> 01:38:07,714
So during intermission,
Martin comes backstage
1910
01:38:07,715 --> 01:38:10,633
and he tells me,
"Bro, I don't know if you heard..."
1911
01:38:10,634 --> 01:38:12,177
[as self] "Oh, I heard."
1912
01:38:12,970 --> 01:38:15,597
[as Martin] "Might wanna mention it."
I go, "Oh, I will."
1913
01:38:15,598 --> 01:38:19,475
So at some point during my performance,
I told the audience,
1914
01:38:19,476 --> 01:38:22,228
"So, a little bird told me
1915
01:38:22,229 --> 01:38:24,689
there might be
a couple of Americans here tonight."
1916
01:38:24,690 --> 01:38:25,773
"Is that true?"
1917
01:38:25,774 --> 01:38:26,941
Sure enough...
1918
01:38:26,942 --> 01:38:29,152
[imitates crowd roaring]
1919
01:38:29,153 --> 01:38:31,237
And they started doing it again.
1920
01:38:31,238 --> 01:38:35,658
[chanting] "USA! USA! USA!"
1921
01:38:35,659 --> 01:38:38,536
Then it got quiet,
and you could hear, "'Murica."
1922
01:38:38,537 --> 01:38:40,623
[audience laughs]
1923
01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:46,085
I said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
do you understand what just happened?"
1924
01:38:46,086 --> 01:38:47,879
"We just made history."
1925
01:38:47,880 --> 01:38:51,341
And people in the front row, they're like,
"What are you talking about, history?"
1926
01:38:51,342 --> 01:38:54,969
I said, "We just made history."
1927
01:38:54,970 --> 01:38:58,765
"Who would have ever thought
you'd see the day
1928
01:38:58,766 --> 01:39:05,313
where thousands upon thousands
upon thousands upon thousands
1929
01:39:05,314 --> 01:39:10,568
of Americans would cross a border...
1930
01:39:10,569 --> 01:39:12,655
[audience laughs and cheers]
1931
01:39:19,703 --> 01:39:21,747
...to see a Mexican?"
1932
01:39:22,790 --> 01:39:24,792
[audience cheers]
1933
01:39:25,626 --> 01:39:32,216
Thank you for 27 years
of supporting this Mexican.
1934
01:39:33,092 --> 01:39:36,344
[in Spanish] Miami, I love you so much.
Many thanks.
1935
01:39:36,345 --> 01:39:38,012
[in English] Have a good night!
1936
01:39:38,013 --> 01:39:39,139
Thank you!
1937
01:39:41,058 --> 01:39:43,936
- ["UP!" by Connor Price playing]
- ♪ I was down but now I'm up ♪
1938
01:39:45,104 --> 01:39:46,896
♪ This all God, this ain't no luck... ♪
1939
01:39:46,897 --> 01:39:50,441
[chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy!
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
1940
01:39:50,442 --> 01:39:54,988
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
1941
01:39:54,989 --> 01:39:57,323
♪ Up, up, up, up, aye ♪
1942
01:39:57,324 --> 01:39:58,866
♪ I was down but now I'm ♪
1943
01:39:58,867 --> 01:40:02,453
♪ Up like my name Lazarus
Know Satan gon' be mad at this ♪
1944
01:40:02,454 --> 01:40:06,374
♪ I had to ask my dad if it's okay
To swing my bat at this ♪
1945
01:40:06,375 --> 01:40:09,085
♪ He said, "Boy if I pitch it
It's out of the park" ♪
1946
01:40:09,086 --> 01:40:11,129
♪ Moving so quick it's like
They stuck in park ♪
1947
01:40:11,130 --> 01:40:12,922
♪ They see the numbers
But I see the heart ♪
1948
01:40:12,923 --> 01:40:14,966
♪ Ten thousand hours
He spent in the dark ♪
1949
01:40:14,967 --> 01:40:18,136
♪ Puttin' in good work
Even though he didn't know it would work ♪
1950
01:40:18,137 --> 01:40:20,138
♪ Talk about a man who grew up
In woodwork ♪
1951
01:40:20,139 --> 01:40:22,223
♪ Do it for the love
That's the way it should work ♪
1952
01:40:22,224 --> 01:40:23,392
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
1953
01:40:23,976 --> 01:40:27,563
♪ I know some people gon' look
At me crazy, and I'm like, for what? ♪
1954
01:40:28,063 --> 01:40:32,608
♪ Yeah, I was stuck
I was down but now I'm up, yeah ♪
1955
01:40:32,609 --> 01:40:36,696
♪ This all God, this ain't no luck, yeah ♪
1956
01:40:36,697 --> 01:40:40,533
♪ I used to be stuck in that mud, yeah ♪
1957
01:40:40,534 --> 01:40:45,163
♪ Yeah, I was down but now I'm up
Up, up, up, up ♪
1958
01:40:45,164 --> 01:40:48,166
♪ I was down but now I'm
Down, now I'm up like a seesaw ♪
1959
01:40:48,167 --> 01:40:50,501
♪ When I'm on the beat
Like an old man's lawn, keep off ♪
1960
01:40:50,502 --> 01:40:52,128
♪ From the ground to the treetops ♪
1961
01:40:52,129 --> 01:40:54,380
♪ Got clouds on my feet
Like Jack and the Beanstalk ♪
1962
01:40:54,381 --> 01:40:56,591
♪ Jumped off quick
Went straight into free-fall ♪
1963
01:40:56,592 --> 01:40:59,218
♪ Cowboy hat and a mic singing "Yeehaw" ♪
1964
01:40:59,219 --> 01:41:00,928
♪ Landed on my feet like a feline ♪
1965
01:41:00,929 --> 01:41:03,598
♪ Put 'em back in the seat
Like a recline, aye ♪
1966
01:41:03,599 --> 01:41:05,767
♪ What, I'm not worthy?
Did it with a purpose ♪
1967
01:41:05,768 --> 01:41:06,851
♪ Didn't need a permit ♪
1968
01:41:06,852 --> 01:41:08,811
♪ Digging from bottom
Brought it to the surface ♪
1969
01:41:08,812 --> 01:41:12,523
♪ Mind your business, now who I worship
Who the little guy making big moves? ♪
1970
01:41:12,524 --> 01:41:17,361
♪ TikTok turn into a tick-tick-tick boom
Yeah, I talk a lot of stuff ♪
1971
01:41:17,362 --> 01:41:21,115
♪ Prolly thought it was a bluff
Till I went and turned it where? ♪
1972
01:41:21,116 --> 01:41:24,952
♪ I was down but now I'm up
Up, let's go, yeah ♪
1973
01:41:24,953 --> 01:41:31,876
♪ This all God, this ain't no luck, yeah
I used to be stuck in that mud ♪
1974
01:41:31,877 --> 01:41:32,877
♪ Yeah ♪
1975
01:41:32,878 --> 01:41:37,131
♪ Yeah, I was down
But now I'm up, up, up, up, up ♪
1976
01:41:37,132 --> 01:41:41,011
- ♪ I was down but now I'm up! ♪
- [hip-hop fades]