The plan was to move forward to Alaska
and just finish our lives up there.
That was it.
We always assumed we'd just be together for the rest of our days.
I didn't know what happened to Leslie.
I thought, "Well, maybe she's okay, maybe something…"
"It wasn't as bad. Maybe it was a bad dream."
The nurse, she says, "Well, honey, she's deceased."
"She's been dead for a while."
And then it all kind of sunk in.
Well, the bullet had gone in right here
and came out around here.
You can see a scar all the way across where they had opened it up.
But it looks really odd.
And they said, "You'll probably never be able to speak again."
My name is Daniel John Paulsrud.
I grew up in Neihart, Montana.
It was a town of 35 people back then.
Everybody knew everybody and their dogs.
I fly fished from the age of five on up.
Did a lot of camping and hunting. A lot of hunting.
I-- I loved it. It was great.
We didn't have a whole lot of money, but I didn't care.
I was an infantryman, in the Airborne Infantry.
Uh… We ended up going to Desert Storm and Kuwait Liberation as well.
Yeah, it prepared me for a little bit…
of life.
It wasn't all, um, blood and guts. It was…
I think the more horrific things that-- that I saw
was the treatment of people.
I've seen some women that were beaten almost to death.
Kids that didn't have nothin' to eat, you know.
Going to combat with people you've been with…
I don't know how to describe it other than a brotherhood.
There's a trust. Yeah.
Kept going until it was time to go home.
I always wanted to be involved in artwork.
So I ended up in Durango, Colorado as a sculptor.
And boy, that lasted for about five years or so.
I ended up moving back to Montana.
You know, and then that's where I met Leslie.
She was very good-looking,
and, uh, her personality was, uh…
wasn't so standoffish.
It was more…
more of a friendly type of person.
She had never been the outdoors type,
and I introduced her to that.
And she took to it. She really enjoyed it.
And started hunting…
She was spot on.
She was very safety-conscious.
Uh, she wouldn't shoot unless she was absolutely sure.
She was great.
Oh, there was
nothing but love at that time.
She has one son and three daughters from her ex-husband.
Leslie, she had a-- a style of raising her kids
without discipline or… or consequences.
If we ever had an argument,
it was about her children, usually.
Her oldest daughter liked to take her to the bars all the time and…
She didn't like me a whole lot
because Leslie was spending her time with me instead of out with her.
Uh, the youngest, Kailee, was always with us.
She's a good kid. She, uh… She is very smart.
So Leslie went ahead, and then I-- I followed.
Did as much moving as I could.
Then right before we were almost done moved in
is when all this happened. Yeah.
We were hunting that day right out of, uh, Fort Benton.
But yeah, it was just after daybreak, I think we went out.
I think she'd gotten several phone calls from the kids,
and like, "Well, we better just go home."
Started making plans for dinner.
She got a phone call from her oldest
and immediately started arguing.
So I went to the apartment we were fixing up…
and unloaded the tools and put the--
the guns in the…
in the apartment.
I always unload the guns before I bring them in.
I just assumed that day I did.
Oh, couldn't have been an hour and a half later or so,
she came in
and she brought beer.
We sat down and started enjoying the evening.
I had the pistol on the table.
It was a .357 Magnum.
I carried it, uh… for hunting season, of course.
You know, if you wound an animal, you can dispatch them quick and easy
without them suffering and whatnot, but…
And as I was playing with the pistol,
I cocked it.
Let it down, cocked it, and let it down.
She had come back from the refrigerator.
I was sitting down.
I cocked it and was playing with it,
and it went off.
She immediately fell back into the chair and down on the floor, so…
I knew it hit her.
And it was so fast.
It died… She died so fast.
And it was…
All I could say was "I love you" and "I'm sorry," and…
There was nothing that could be done at that point.
I sat back in the chair and thought, "Well, I'll just have to shoot…
shoot myself in the head and be done with it."
And I tried.
I couldn't at first, and so I…
I went to the refrigerator and got a vodka we had in there.
I just drank it
and I was able to pull the trigger.
Well, I guess I don't remember a whole lot after that.
Because I shot myself, it was assumed after that, that it was deliberate.
I was convicted of deliberate homicide
and given life without parole, plus ten years.
I never got the chance to, to tell the kids,
"Hey, this was not deliberate."
"This was a horrific accident."
And I'll never lose the guilt and the pain
that goes with losing her,
and especially being my fault.
Well, I… I lost my future.
I lost her kids' future and…
…I lost the rest of my life
that day.
I think of Leslie all the time. All the time.
And as I was playing with the pistol,
I cocked it and let it down, cocked it,
and it went off.
And she was gone,
almost immediately it seemed like.
We were hunting that day.
Yeah, it was just after daybreak I think we went out.
I think she'd gotten several phone calls from the kids,
and like, "Well, we better just go home."
Started making plans for dinner.
She got a phone call from her oldest
and immediately started arguing
'cause she had been at the bar and…
"All right. Just come over whenever and tell me--"
Leslie is the love of my life.
I miss her a lot.
I have to drudge forward with her in mind
without being stuck in that pit
of grief and shame
for causing that.
I do believe we would still be together
had she not been hit,
or if she had survived, or any of that.
Yes, I think we'd still be together.
That sounds like something that was written right when…
before I pulled the trigger, I'll bet.
And I had vodka by then.
I'm trying to think what I was thinking at the time and…
I'm drawing a… a blank.
Oh, ma'am. No, no, no.
No.
I wonder if it was more for closure, but I wouldn't…
I wouldn't say I killed her deliberately and then wrote that, no.
I don't think the car was running.
That doesn't sound right to me, but…
I wish--
I wish I could've talked during the trial.
It seems to escalate every time with her, but…
I never really got along with Amanda.
I wish I could help her to move on.
That's too bad.
No, we weren't fighting that entire day.
We did go hunting that day.
I feel like she's being influenced
as far as what she is
told to say.
It's not nearly as, uh, horrific
as what some have explained.
It was not intentional,
and that's the truth.