♪ I was dancing when I was twelve ♪
♪ I was dancing when I was out ♪
♪ I danced myself right out the womb ♪
What are you learning in that class?
Your fingers are all wrong.
You're so picky, Mum.
If you're going to do something, do it well.
Who's that?
Um, it's my dance partner. We're having extra rehearsals together.
-I already told you. -Yes, but I--
Don't stop and talk.
Remember, she thinks your parents are Indian.
Hi, Mrs. Hanan, it's nice to meet you.
Keep an eye on her little finger.
Mum!
Brr...
I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum.
Liv, you're crazy.
You just did it again.
I'm sorry.
♪ Happy talk Keep talkin' happy talk ♪
♪ You've got to have a dream If you don't have a dream ♪
♪ How you gonna have a dream come true? ♪
♪ Talk about a moon floatin' in the sky ♪
What have you done that for?
I took it to the car wash two days ago.
♪ Talk about a bird learnin' how to fly ♪
-Oh, for God's sake, Adam!
You left the bloody window open!
♪ Happy talk Keep talkin' happy talk ♪
♪ Talk about things you like to do ♪
Arseholes.
♪ If you don't have a dream ♪
♪ How you gonna have a dream come true? ♪
♪ Let's talk about the girl ♪
♪ Talk about the boy
♪ Countin' all the ripples on the sea ♪
♪ Happy talk Keep talkin' happy talk ♪
♪ Talk about things you like to do... ♪
Sorry.
♪ You've got to have a dream If you don't have a dream ♪
-♪ How you gonna make a dream come true? ♪ -
-What you doing?
He's wanking on me!
Can I get off the bus, please?
- Watch it with the cake. -Sorry.
-Can I get off the bus, please? - You all right, love?
Yeah, I just need to get off the bus, please.
He jizzed on me.
What the shit is this?
It's my magician's hankie.
You're not a fucking magician, Jeffrey.
-Maeve. -Yeah?
You know what today is, don't you?
Rent day.
Oh, yeah, Uh, I'll get that to you later today.
Oh.
Such a sweet boy.
Apparently, it was a terrible incident.
He was attacked... by a gang of youths.
Shouldn't be so nosy, Cynthia.
Magic that hankie to the bin, Jeffrey.
Twat.
- Michael. -What?
He is trying.
-Sorry, Dad.
I've got you a trial shift at Brown's this evening at eight.
He's doing me a favor so do not be late.
Why are you wearing a scarf?
-Is that for Rahim? -No.
-No. I just like scarves, okay? -Uh-huh.
-Dude, why is your mum still here? -I don't know.
-She lives here, apparently. -Hello, Eric.
-Hello, darling. -Don't address me at school, Mum.
Oh, don't forget dinner tonight.
It's okay, that's it. You can go back to pretending I don't exist.
What's dinner tonight?
Dinner tonight is me, my mum, Ola, and Jakob
all getting to know each other like a big happy family.
I can't believe you finally get a girlfriend
and she's basically your sister. LOLs. LOLs.
Oh, you don't think anyone will tell your mum
about the whole sex clinic thing though, do you?
'Cause that'll be awkward.
Innit?
Everyone's gonna talk to your mum?
No one will talk to my mum about anything...
-Yeah, especially not-- -Good morning, Eric.
-Morning, Rahim. -I like your scarf.
Oh, this? Forgot I had it on.
Could I ask you something?
Yeah.
Hmm.
-Oh, yeah. Um...
All right, yeah, I'll just go inside.
-Yeah, okay. Cool. -Okay.
Um...
I was wondering if you would like to go out with me sometime?
What? Like, on... on a date?
Yeah. Maybe tonight?
Y-Yes, sure.
Cool, I'll be there.
Cool, um, you decide what we do,
'cause I don't know what's cool to do in this town.
Ooh.
-You auditioning for the play? - Yeah, I'm going up for Juliet.
Who's that?
I'm joking. Someone just gave it to me. It's stupid.
♪ It ain't what you do ♪
♪ It's the way that you do it ♪
♪ If you don't believe me ♪
♪ I'll show you how to prove it ♪
♪ Yes, I will ♪
♪ But listen to me, baby ♪
♪ Oh, yes, ♪
♪ Hear what I got to say ♪
Sex kid?
Oh, come in. Take a seat.
Remember, this is a completely safe place to share.
I'm sorry, this used to be the history classroom.
Bye then.
Shit.
Lily, hi. Uh, question.
Did you just... You didn't tell my mum about the whole, you know, my...
Being a sex wizard?
Yeah.
No. It didn't come up.
-What are you looking at? - My mum.
-It's my mum. -Wow, she's really getting to you.
I don't trust her.
So dinner tonight's gonna be interesting.
We don't have to go. How about we tell them we're not going?
Come on. At least they're trying to make it less weird.
If it gets too much, we can just go to your room and play Smash Bros.
-Okay. -Okay?
-Yes, okay. Um... -Awesome.
I'll see you later.
-I need to see Otis. -Okay.
Uh, no, we don't do discounts.
It's all I've got until I get my pocket money.
You have a sex problem, but you still get pocket money?
-Well, we're not a charity, okay?
So come back with the cash, and I'll book you in.
New client?
No. Got a couple tomorrow though.
Look, um...
I think my mum being on campus might be bad for business.
-I think you're being paranoid. -You don't know my mum, all right?
She says she's just doing research.
Before you know it, she's in everyone's head.
Okay. We'll keep an eye on it.
Happy birthday!
I baked a cake!
-Why didn't you say it was your birthday? -Because I hate birthdays.
No one hates birthdays, Maeve.
Why celebrate the day I got pushed out of some random vagina against my will?
Think of all those gems of nihilistic wisdom
the world would be missing if you hadn't been born.
Happy birthday, oh, joyous one.
Just tell him you like him, already.
So, what do you wanna do for your birthday?
Nothing.
What happened to this cake, exactly?
Oh, it didn't look so bad before,
but then I was on the bus, and a guy wanked on my leg,
and I got a bit of a shock, and I smushed the cake.
What?
Do you think it'll stain?
I love these jeans.
You... you have to report it.
It's fine, they were only cheap.
No, you've been assaulted.
I think he was just lonely, or not right in the head or something,
which is weird 'cause he was quite handsome.
Aimes, this is serious.
It's silly. I'm fine, honestly.
Okay. I know what I want to do for my birthday.
I want us to go to the police.
Where did you take Ola on your first date?
Um... we didn't really go on any dates.
Just started hanging out.
What do you mean?
You know, like playing video games,
talking, eating cereal.
Otis, that's what you and me do.
Yes, except I don't kiss you.
I think French people like to go on proper dates.
-Where should I take him? -Okay, just don't stress.
Just as long as you guys are together, I don't think it matters.
I don't even know why I'm asking you.
You've never even been on a date.
Juicy.
How are your chats with the students going?
Seems a little quiet.
It's... still early.
Hmm.
I wanted to reiterate that you have not been employed
at Moordale as a counselor.
Yes.
You've made that more than clear.
I'm only speaking to the students about the curriculum.
If they ever come to speak to you, that is.
Welcome!
Hi, I'm here to talk about SRE stuff.
Yes, of course you are. Please, have a seat,
and... could you possibly just close the door on your way out, Mr. Groff?
Thank you!
Right.
What's your name?
Malek Amir.
Malek Amir. Nice to meet you, Malek.
I don't have to pay for this, do I?
No.
Right, so...
what do you feel the SRE curriculum is currently missing?
Okay, so a friend of mine
is dating a girl who keeps putting a pillow over his face
when they have sex.
Would the curriculum cover that, maybe?
Interesting.
Adding fetish to the curriculum could be a... a real asset.
Fetish?
Yes, there are hundreds of sexual fetishes, actually,
and, lo and behold, they often start during puberty.
Well, you know, covering a person's face during sex
could be anything from a desire to engage in, well,
breath play, or even encasement fantasy,
or sometimes, although very rare, ghost fetish.
-Ghost fetish? -Yeah.
When one covers another's face because they secretly have a desire
to engage in sexual activity with a spirit or a ghost.
So my girlfriend's insane.
I thought you said it was your friend's girlfriend?
I've gotta go.
Fascinating.
Wow. Who knew?
Do you wanna fuck a ghost?
What?
Well, whatever your face-covering fetish is,
you need to sort it out, because it's weird and it's scary
and it's just making me feel just very unsafe.
I'll get a form for you to fill in.
See, she's got a proper problem.
You've got a proper problem.
Pothole on the high street. Bloody council.
Come on, let's go.
It's basically like he sneezed on me or something.
He came on you, Aimee. Yeah?
Yeah.
Cum is kind of like a penis having a sneeze.
Ugh! That means when you swallow someone's cum,
it's like eating their snot.
Take a seat, we'll be with you in a bit.
-Hi there, how can I help you? -Hi.
This is my friend Aimee. She got sexually assaulted on the bus.
I got jizz on my jeans.
I mean, we're probably wasting your time.
You're not wasting anyone's time, all right?
Do you need to call somebody?
Shit, do I need a lawyer? Am I gonna get arrested?
No, sorry. I just meant, like, your mum or someone.
Oh, God, no. She'll just make it into a drama.
Right. Take a seat, fill out one of these forms,
and an officer will be with you in a minute.
-Thank you. -Uh, you forgot your cake.
Oh.
-Is it someone's birthday? -Yeah, mine.
Oh, feliz navidad.
That means "merry Christmas."
-Really? -Yeah.
Hmm.
Men are so weird.
I think he's cute.
Why do people always think old men are cute?
How do you know he hasn't jizzed on someone on a bus before?
I meant the lizard.
What's going on?
So... this year's school production
of Romeo and Juliet
is not only gonna be a play, but also...
drum roll, please...
...a musical, yo!
Huh?
Who's pumped? Who's pumped? I'm pumped. Yeah?
It will be written and assistant-directed by Swing Band's very own Lily Iglehart,
and auditions will be held bright and early tomorrow morning.
Now, I've got a really special feeling about this one, guys.
It's a chance for everyone to really find their place... and shine.
Hey, you forgot your audition speech.
What is this I see?
Jackson Marchetti auditioning for the lowly school play?
Will wonders never cease?
I don't really understand Shakespeare, sir, it doesn't make sense.
Well, that's the beauty of will.i.am-bic pentameter.
Okay, thanks.
Hello.
Uh, not history.
Oh, no, I'm Michael's wife, Maureen.
Oh. Sorry. Jean. Sex ed-ish.
Hello.
It's Mr. Groff's dinner. I drop it in on Wednesdays.
He works late, marking.
-How are you getting along? -Good.
Good, yeah. Think I'm getting the hang of it.
Yes.
Michael used to come home on the verge of tears most nights
during his first term as headmaster.
Oh, don't tell him I said that.
Anyway, glad you're toughing it out.
Thank you.
I... was wondering whether...
Yes, what is it?
I was wondering whether...
you could tell me where you got that shade of lipstick from?
It's fabulous.
Well, I don't remember.
But next time you're here,
why don't you pop in and I'll let you know?
Great.
-Well, I better get Mr. Grumpy his food. -Yes.
It's nice to meet you, Jean.
Nice to meet you too, Maureen.
Do you wanna hang at mine before your date?
I can't. I haven't decided what I'm gonna wear. What should I wear?
-Wow. How the tables have turned. -Oh, Otis,
I don't have time for this conversation. I have to go home
and try on everything I own.
Well, maybe just lose the scarf.
Maybe lose your virginity?
Olivia, Jesus!
You could have killed yourself.
Thanks to your mum, my boyfriend thinks I wanna kill him.
Why?
Because I sometimes do this thing, okay, where I cover his face with a pillow
just when I cum and now your mum thinks I have a fetish.
-Which you don't? -I have an ugly cum face, okay?
I've seen it in the mirror before. It's bad.
I look like a python swallowing an egg, and Malek always looks perfect.
Well...
that's normal to feel observed and vulnerable when you're having sex.
And he probably feels just as silly sometimes, too.
We... we might think we look stupid or unappealing,
but sex isn't always perfect and it should be about feeling good,
not looking pretty.
It's a privilege to see your partner like that.
So maybe you and your boyfriend need to work on your trust,
so you can show him yourself fully, like, all the bits.
Even the bits you think might be ugly,
'cause I bet he doesn't think they are at all.
And...
there's something I think might help.
I got a B plus in algebra.
You know that's not very impressive?
-So, do you want to do your English
or maths homework today?
Well...
actually, I was thinking of auditioning for the school play,
but I don't understand Shakespeare, and I wondered if you could help me.
-Not my remit. Maths or English. -Come on.
Look, I'd never have got a B plus in algebra if it wasn't for you.
And I'm sure you've got some Shakespeare tricks up your sleeve?
Please.
You're not cute.
Why do you wanna audition anyway?
Well, I'm taking your advice and getting a backup plan.
When I played Joseph in my primary school Nativity,
people said I was very believable.
-Of course you played Joseph. -Come on.
Please. You're a tutoring genius.
Fine.
-But this is a one-time thing. -Yeah.
Read me the speech.
-Now? -Yeah.
All right.
"It is my lady, oh, it is my love,
-oh, that she knew she wor--" -Why are you reading it
-like it's a shopping list? -Because it makes no sense.
It's poetry.
Once you've got the rhythm, the words take on meaning.
So, each line has ten syllables, made up of five heartbeats.
Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.
You try.
"Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
who is already sick and pale with grief."
So you've got the rhythm and the words.
Now you need the emotion.
This speech is about love.
So, try thinking of someone who makes you feel a lot when you say it.
Ooh.
Hope I get my jeans back.
Do you really want them back, though?
Yeah, they're the perfect bootleg, Maeve. You don't find that very often.
It's true.
-Do you think they're watching us? -Yeah, probably.
-Oh! -No.
-Aimee. -I'm sorry, I'm really nervous.
That wasn't me.
Sorry, I fart when I'm scared.
Okay.
All right...
Thanks for the jeans, Aimee.
Where were we?
So...
fair hair, clean-shaven, five feet eight or nine...
and a blue jacket.
It was kind of aqua.
And was he already on the bus?
Yeah.
I think so.
He might have got on at the second stop.
Well, it's really important to know what stop he got on at
so we can get as clear a picture as possible.
So you said you remember smiling at him.
Was that after the first stop or the second?
Sorry, what's that got to do with anything?
Are you saying she shouldn't have smiled at him?
Charges like this are really hard to convict,
and if we do actually catch the guy, the questions are gonna get harder.
Can I have my jeans back, please?
I'm gonna go. I'm sorry to make a fuss.
Aimes, um...
...what if he does this to someone else? I know you can do this.
Please?
-You're doing brilliantly, Aimee. - Yeah.
Just take your time.
Try to remember.
He was already on the bus.
How was your day at school, Ola?
Good.
How was your day at school, Mum?
Having fun hanging out with all my peers?
It was very good, thank you.
-Dad. -Hmm?
-Stop. -Oh, sorry.
I eat like a pig sometimes.
I've been alone for too many years.
Hmm.
My mum's been single a long time too. She doesn't eat like that.
Otis!
Um...
this is delicious.
Mmm.
You don't eat this?
Otis doesn't like fat.
Oh, really?
-Ah, um... -Can I have it, then?
Do you have any more? No.
Thank you.
Fat is the best bits.
Oh.
It's bad for your heart.
Really? It's not a proven fact.
Well, I disagree.
I'm okay with that.
Right.
Why don't we all take a deep breath
and tell each other exactly how we're feeling?
Let's start by saying the first words that come into our minds.
Okay, I'll start. Annoyed.
Immature.
Selfish.
Uncomfortable.
Invasion.
Overly sensitive.
That's two words, Mum.
Monopoly.
Why don't we all play Monopoly instead?
You guys ready? Give you a lift.
Is the lizard going to jail?
No, his owner has Alzheimer's.
Forgets why he's here and then he forgets to take this dude home.
Should we get some dinner, Neil, and then we'll drop these two on the way?
Oh, don't worry. No need for a payment.
Um, enjoy your stay at my hotel.
I'm paying you, it's just I will have to remortgage.
No, you don't have to. I have so much money, I don't need more.
Okay, that's not how the game works.
I'm not breaking the rules. Four hundred pounds, please.
I said it's fine.
I said it's not fine.
I don't want it.
I want you to have it.
Well, if we're playing by the rules, you owe me £600.
Six hundred.
Mmm...
-I think you're bankrupt. -Fuck, I know I'm bankrupt!
Right, I'll make some tea.
Why? Why do we think this is a normal situation?
Ola is my girlfriend,
you are not my dad, and this is not a fucking family.
You shouldn't swear at your mother.
Thank you, Jakob, but I don't need help parenting my child.
Okay. I think I should go home.
Let you guys sort things out.
He's always... He's here all the time, and I...
I'll see you at school.
I want you to go and apologize to Jakob first thing in the morning.
Sure, I mean, I'm not gonna have to go anywhere,
considering he practically lives here.
I understand that you're angry.
But I'm happy with Jakob.
Why can't you be happy for me?
No, you're pretending to be happy, Mum.
You're not the relationship type.
Stop kidding yourself.
Or maybe you're just not as independent as you thought.
Go to your room!
I'm 16.
Fine!
Well, then I'll go to mine!
Hey.
You found it okay then?
Yeah. This town is very small, so, yeah.
Cool.
Where did you get this cake? Demand your money back.
Aimee made it.
Oh, sorry, Aimee. I'm just not used to some of the flavors.
Mmm, it's okay, it's my first cake.
I'm gonna be a baker when I leave school.
Sounds like a good plan.
Uh, you having a birthday party?
No.
She hates birthdays.
Why? Birthdays are great.
Aren't you doing something nice with your fella?
I don't have a boyfriend.
She is in love with a boy though.
She's just too afraid to tell him how she feels,
which is stupid because he clearly loves her back.
Shut up, Aimee, you don't know that.
I think you should tell him how you feel. What have you got to lose?
Uh, um, sorry. I actually ordered the special, the fishy something?
Vichyssoise, it's a chilled soup.
Steak's on the way.
Cool, great.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm. Hm-hmm. Hm-hmm.
-How's your soup? -Um-hmm. It's cold.
It's cold, Rahim.
Hmm.
Have you eaten here before?
Um, my mum and dad came here for their wedding anniversary, so...
I thought it would be nice.
Let's go somewhere else.
-Where? -Take me where you feel happy.
Uh, but... Well, we haven't paid.
Who cares?
You cannot live in fear.
- Oi! - Huh? Yes, yeah.
This is for you, that is from me.
So, you just run the scanner over the barcode, like so.
-Ah.
Jessie's a rescue.
-She's not trained, so don't let her out.
She'll just run off.
Okay. You show me now.
No way. I'm not doing that, I'm really not.
No, Rahim, come on, it'll be fun.
No, I'm very bad at dancing. I'm not doing that.
Look, you said take you somewhere that makes me feel happy.
Do it for me?
♪ What is love? ♪
You ready? Okay.
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
♪ No more ♪
Uh... Back, forward, back...
♪ What is love ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Baby, don't hurt me ♪
♪ Don't hurt me No more ♪
♪ Baby, don't hurt me ♪
You got this.
♪ What is love? ♪
Ah!
-You see, you're basically Beyoncé. -Woo!
-That was fun. -No, you smashed it.
Honestly, you smashed it, Rahim, watch--
You just kissed me.
Yes, Eric Effiong, I did.
Let's do this dance thing again, all right?
Yeah?
Give me the money. Thank you.
It's good. It's a good game.
♪ Don't hurt me No more ♪
♪ What is love? ♪
How is this going to stop you from trying to kill me with a pillow?
We have to see each other at our ugliest.
Do you still wanna have sex with me?
Yeah.
Do you still wanna have sex with me?
Definitely.
♪ Don't you go outside If it's raining too hard ♪
Ahh.
This is me. Do you wanna come in and see where I live?
Yes.
It's sexy here, right? I live above a shop.
When did you get back?
None of your business, Tromboner.
Do you guys know each other?
We used to go to school together.
Um... Do you know what?
Um...
it's a bit late, and I need to get home, sorry.
Okay.
-You can see it another time. -Mm-hmm.
Thank you for a beautiful night.
Oh, sorry.
Okay.
Bye.
"Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
who is already sick and pale with grief."
Jackson?
Is this where you live?
Yeah, this is me.
It's nice.
You'll let me know when I can have my jeans back?
Absolutely. Thanks, Aimee.
Sorry for ruining your birthday.
Weirdly, one of the best birthdays I've had in a long time.
-All right, bye! - Bye.
- Aimee-maimee! -Night, Mum!
No, no, how was your day?
Come in! Come in.
Come in and talk to me.
Oh, why are you wearing those trousers?
They're not flattering at all.
'Cause I lost my jeans.
How did you lose your jeans?
Well, I was on the bus...
and actually, I'm not really sure.
What about I make you a cheese toastie? And you can fill me in on all the goss.
I always like to know who's kissing who, and--
I'm quite tired.
Oh. What about we watch a movie?
You know, something with, um, Ryan Gosling.
He's so handsome.
Or is it Ryan Reynolds?
Which Ryan do I like?
Gosling.
-I think I'm gonna go to bed. -Oh.
Love you, Mum.
All right, love.
♪ After all is said and done ♪
♪ I know I might be the only one ♪
♪ Life indeed can be fun ♪
♪ If you really want to ♪
♪ Sometimes living out your dreams ♪
♪ Ain't as easy as it seems ♪
♪ You wanna fly around the world ♪
♪ In a beautiful balloon ♪
♪ Life, oh, life ♪
♪ Oh, life ♪
♪ Life, oh, life ♪
♪ Oh, life ♪
Happy birthday.
What happened to your face?
I told him I had other kids. It didn't go down too well.
Have.
You have other kids.
You're saving my life, Froggy.
Yeah, you can come in, but we're not gonna pretend everything's okay,
'cause it's not.
Got it.
Come on, darling.
I came to apologize to your dad.
Hmm.
Okay. I'll go get him.
- Dad... -Mm-hmm.
He just wants to talk to you.
-Hi. -Hi.
My mum wanted me to come and apologize.
So, I'm sorry.
Well, there's no need to,
but thanks.
I already have a dad.
I understand that.
It's all right.
Hey, you ready for school?
Yep. I guess.
Thank you. You have a good day now.
-See you, Dad. -Bye-bye.
Everything all right?
Sorry, wrong bus.
"Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name, or if thou will not, be but sworn my love,
and I'll no longer be a Capulet."
Okay. Thank you, Florence.
I haven't got to the good bit yet.
Juliet thinks she's in love and then she dies. We get the gist.
Next.
Ahh!
Jackson!
This is gonna be a train wreck.
Uh, please...
"Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
who is already sick and pale with grief,
that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Be not her maid, for she is envious...
I think we've found our Romeo.
...is sick and green.
And none but fools do wear it.
Cast it off."
-How was the family dinner? -Oh, God, disastrous.
How did your date go?
We... kissed.
-You kissed? -We kissed, man!
-Actually? -How sick is that?
-Yes! We kissed! -Oh, Eric.
Can I walk you to lunch?
Yes. Yes.
-Yeah. -Okay.
Hmm.
Hey.
Hi.
-Maybe your mum is gonna be a problem. -Yup.
How was the rest of your birthday?
Unexpected.
Well...
I got you something.
-You got me a five-year diary? -Mm-hmm.
And I ripped out all your birthday pages,
so you don't have to celebrate one for another five years.
-Thank you. -That's all right.
Um...
see you later.
Otis...
uh, I think...
I think...
What?
♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪
I think I'll have to punch you in the face
if you ever buy me a birthday present again, dickhead.
♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪
Okay. I won't.
♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪
♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪
♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪
♪ Linger on ♪
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
♪ If I could make the world as pure ♪
♪ And strange as what I see ♪
♪ I'd put you in the mirror ♪
♪ I put in front of me ♪
♪ Linger on ♪
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
♪ Linger on ♪
♪ Your pale blue eyes